shadow path

At the close of the ceremony the third time I drank Ayahuasca in 2013, I went to the washroom and on my way back I stood against the handrail on the path back to the maloca and looked out into the jungle on this glorious night that was lit up by the full moon. I looked to my right and it was divine. The jungle was radiating the light of the moon and the plants were 3D extruded. I looked to my left and the path was dark, dull, and lifeless. I looked back right and sure enough it was bathed in an enchanted spiritual light.

It didn’t take me long to figure out the meaning of this waking vision. The right hand path up the spiritual mountain of achievement will lead to your enlightenment and it’s magnificent. The left is the path into the shadows and not all that much fun. I had a choice; I had the chance to become one of the all-time great enlightened sages. It was offered but deep down I knew it was the path of the ego, self-glorification, and not for me. I didn’t consciously choose the darkness. Instead, it chose me.

Indeed, I had faced the darkness head-on in ceremony and soon revealed was the left and right hand path. I had to make a choice about where I was headed or alternatively turning around and running from this crossroad. In the same ceremony as the paths, I was offered an unbelievable amount of universal power, which I had declined. At the time, I remember being a psychological mess and I had to turn back and regroup before coming back to take the left hand path. After mustering the courage to return, I soon became dismayed that the altering of consciousness continually presented darkness. I wanted to head towards the light but the left hand path, with the constant darkness, kept pulling me back in. It was my choice, as I wasn’t prepared to give into the conditions necessary to take the right hand path. I also didn’t understand the darkness was trying to teach and I just wanted to skip class and hang out in the light. A sane person would have found another spiritual path.

As I have revealed and related in this blog space, the darkness attacked and tried to kill me or at least neuter my power. I went back to the Amazon to confront this demon and in no time it was on me again. To my credit, despite outward projections of being quiet and meek, I’m really not. I have fire that burns within, I don’t like to lose, and I’m relentless. My quiet confidence borders on arrogance. The Goddess called me out on it half way through that first meeting. I was up for the darkness challenge. In turn, pretty much each subsequent Ayahuasca ceremony started off with darkness. It kept coming. I cursed it and stubbornly came back for more until I learned how to navigate and move past it. I still craved the bright lights, the grand Ayahuasca vision of light and transcendence however the majority of my visions remained in the subterranean realms. Some of them were just so weird and unnerving however I always came back and pressed on because it was teaching me something. I didn’t know what but I knew something was up.

The understanding and reckoning comes slowly once you start to get an inkling of who and what is behind this life class that is forever challenging and changing you. This has been difficult and I have wanted to run or find a safe place to jump off this ship. I was in port many times, satisfied with the answers I had received. I kept re-boarding the ship though because I loved the knowledge and the learning was a kick. I’m not sure what port I’m at now but as with all my stops upon the never ending journey this one is ultra-fascinating. You see, I had two main impetuses during my mid-life crisis: Number one was when I discovered the presence of the feminine divine I wanted to figure out how the adepts of old came into contact with her. The second burning question revolved around the darkness that lay within my depths that would come and go; an exercise in extreme frustration as I wanted to be gifted with a nice holy and white robe in order to project my success and goodness onto the world.

It was ancient Egypt that sparked my interest in different worlds. By this, I mean they had mapped out a hidden world of gods and goddesses along with an impressive corpus describing this alternative world, seemingly attained through changing consciousness. I studied and searched for methods to achieve this result, culminating in finding shamanism and plant medicines. Before taking any of these substances for the first time, I clearly remember the shaman asking my intention for undergoing this initiation. I blurted out, “I want to meet the Goddess and confront my dark side.” Poof! Your wish is my command. Over seven years later, through trials, tribulations, joy, sorrow, fear, elation, well pretty much the whole gamut, the shaman certainly didn’t let me down. I thought it would end after ceremony in the jungle, especially after the darkness scared the living daylights out of me. But no, I asked for it and it is going to dominate my life now. It will burn within until I get the answers I want. There’s been much gnashing of teeth and occasional bouts of wanting off the ride. However, I have stayed with it. Looking back, knowing I’m still deep within this trip, I would not change this for the world nor exchange places with anyone. I’ll shout that from the mountain tops.

The Goddess is a special woman full of love; every kind of love imaginable. A heart filling love of all, cosmic love, familial love, bliss, and insanely erotic love. She freely offers herself for your growth and benefit. She was the one who warned me about my chosen path, cautioned me about the upcoming darkness, and offered me protection on my journey that I, as an unwitting fool, stumbled upon. She was always there telling me I could call on her at any time - which I did and at times in major distress, I urgently needed to. I’ve always been independent but without her help I would have been crushed. Once she knew I had it in me to succeed, she encouraged me to go on the offence against the darkness. On the other hand, this darkness of self is quite the mysterious character. My initial forays revealed something quite frightening though very mysterious. I didn’t know what this was but I did know there was this demon within me. I went to battle with him, once I regained my strength from the initial beat down. That took courage. After slowly working my way through the tests of the darkness and facing it head on, I got my badge of undeniable courage. The class proceeded to the next level master class. Life’s challenges were amped up; let’s see what you got. It was an exercise in frustration. I want to be holy now and done with these desires of life. No, no, no you just can’t wave a wand and be done with them, you have to figure out how to integrate these little demons. Okay, more gnashing of teeth and despair over my predicament. Finally I got it. Master the self, recognize the obstacles within, and move past them. At the same time, I realized this darkness was the master teacher. Who I thought was an adversary was actually my teacher - the greatest teacher in the whole universe. Buddha didn’t go to Buddha school; his teacher was always waiting for him, for that day when he wanted liberation. A human teacher can only take you so far. The master teacher lies within. So, now I had to deal with this: Who is this guy?

I totally misread my teacher and treated him as an opponent. Maybe that’s the way it had to be? We all read of strict teachers; some of us experience them for ourselves. They are tough, relentless, and sometimes use non-ordinary methods of discipline and training to get you to break past your limits. Little did I know the darkness is an extraordinary teacher who will actually stomp you out if you don’t get through the course. The battle becomes life and death, which is pretty motivating to say the least. All my desires and choices I could project and clearly see where they were leading and the teacher upped the ante, attraction, and the stakes. Not only did I have to give up the pursuit of desires and let them go but I had to break the hypnosis some desire demons held on me. I had to go full on into them to break free of their hold. Once I learned I couldn’t ignore, bypass, or destroy them, I finally broke free. All I had to do was master them. Once I got the upper hand, it all went away. Tasting liberation is pretty sweet. He did a follow up to see if I really did have the strength. It was tough but I passed as I’m not weak.

Do I dare answer the question? I know who this part of me is but I think I’ll just leave the mystery in the dark for the discovery of future explorers. Ultimately, on this journey you do become a man (or woman) of knowledge as Carlos Castañeda wrote about in his Don Juan books. The knowledge is a gift for you, when you are ready, as a reward for your strength and courage. The darkness taught me that inner strength and courage. I was brave and I knew I could face up to anything after taking on this aspect of self and surviving. I was a jaguar now and I knew it. The fount of power is found in this darkness and being able to be free and touch it ensures I can move onto the next level, unencumbered with delusions of grandeur.

The left hand shadow path isn’t glamorous. There won’t be a cadre of followers on social media for you. However if it is knowledge you seek and you are worthy then you get to uncap the spigot. And then you know. Leave the right hand path for those who want the adoration and accolades. The hidden left hand path is like Fight Club. First rule...