perfect suffering

In this macabre world we have to eat others in order to survive. This world of ours is truly a hell world. When you step back from the absurdity you start to see what it is all about with rich clarity. The hot fire of this world of suffering is the catalyst to enact transformation.

It’s perfect. The suffering in the world is here to teach us lessons. The blunt force trauma eventually has to get through to us as a species, if not the suffering continues.

We see the suffering and as good people we want to relieve it. We decry the bad actors who are responsible. Damn it, we want to change the world. The problem is you haven’t healed yourself. There is no hope to fix your own problems, so you abandon the project and focus your attention on the world at large. You can’t change the world. The suffering is perfect. It’s the way to wake us all up. What you can change is yourself. The suffering is the catalyst for you to change.

Earth is suffering. Getting involved in life causes suffering. We attach to the other and try to swim against the current. The current is change. It is too strong, and it drags us along. Nothing lasts and thus the clinging is at the root of the suffering. I will pithily say here, "Embrace the change!"

On par with the clinging which causes suffering in this world is the pursuit of power and control. To grasp power is to accumulate wealth and use the gain to control others who enforce your suzerainty. The desire to be king of the castle is seen of course in the political theatre but extends to all walks of life. At the root of the pathology to obtain power is the accumulation gambit. This world is a zero-sum game; therefore, taking more than your share means someone goes without. Over 99% of the world goes without. I was fortunate enough to be born in the First World and though I'm not way ahead of the game, I have enough to be in the positive ledger. I don't suffer from lack of basic necessities, and this allows me to pursue my greatest inner desire which is to solve the mystery of life. The majority of the earth's population is involved in a game of survival as the basic necessities are a struggle to maintain.

However, it's all perfect. Each and every one of us who has incarnated into this world did so because of desire. We all wanted into earth's den of suffering to see if we could wake up amid the temptations of the carnival of sensory worldly pleasures. It's quite the challenge and only the daring and the brave sign up for the game. Imagine being an eternal being who loves games, challenges, and puzzles and using the experience to grow.

So, I want to end suffering but that’s in opposition to why the world was created. The world is a place of suffering. The world is designed to lead you back to the heart. The path of the heart needs you to wake up and walk in earnest towards love of self; the self being all. When we all walk the path, the suffering will end. We all go, or it continues on.

Along the twist and turns of this most interesting spiritual path I walk let me tell you something: Eventually, you will come face to face with magic and power. You will see you can get anything you want. If you are selfish, you can fulfill all your wishes and desires.  If you are pure and you hold this power, then why not just end suffering?

Because that’s not the game. You do what you can to relieve suffering. Love, Serve, Remember and remember all suffering is grace because it will lead you back to the heart. Love allows you to remain in the heart space and have compassion for all. To serve is to keep all in the heart and do what you can to relieve suffering, knowing that it will continue despite your best efforts. To remember is to remember god and continually remind yourself who you are. It’s the seventh chakra power where the constant remembering will keep you in the vibration of unity.

The suffering continues on because in this world of form we can’t escape the prison of the lower three chakras. Survival, desire, and power. We all chase something which keeps us vibrating in the lower forms and this prevents us from accessing different states of consciousness which will shine a light upon higher truths. The heart is in the fourth chakra, and it is but a short jump from the base chakras. We all visit but never stay for long.

The heart is the key. The lessons of the axis mundi kept pointing me in the direction of the heart. My path involved seeing duality and reconciling with my disparate self and bringing everything home to the heart. The saying goes, “Home is where the heart is.” This saying is another peculiar missive from the subconscious that has found its way into our words of wisdom. Whether you go on a vibrational trip into the lower chakras or head into the higher planes, respite is found in the middle - back to the heart.

suffering

Have you ever had a bad toothache? The pain is a constant throbbing and really tests the preconceived notions you have developed about yourself. I surely no longer am a being of love and light. As well, I think I can transmute the pain because after all the pain is just a state of mind, right? I should be able to train my mind to find pain exhilarating. I got this! Nope. Still there. The suffering gets to the point where I must act to relieve the suffering.

When I was a teenager, I recall having a bad toothache. A "baby molar" was in decay and one day chewing a large wad of bubble gum exacerbated the situation. The sugar hit the nerve and I was in agony. Being a stoic, I retired to my room to suffer in pain. Finally, after enduring the excruciating pain all afternoon, I felt compelled to act. I went to the bathroom, found a bobby pin, jammed it in the cavity, and pulled my tooth out. I had a mouthful of blood, but I felt so much relief. My outlook on life immediately changed.

In my adult life I have had similar toothaches. I tend to avoid the dentist, so I had to find alternative solutions to my predicament that didn't involve the constant ingestion of pain relief pills. For sure, ibuprofen will allow you to sleep at night because a toothache surely won't. Eventually, my oral search led me towards sensitive teeth toothpaste, and I became a follower. With regular and disciplined application of this product, the pain subsides. As an adult in my 50s, I have the typical receding gums and enamel erosion. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but the acidic qualities of fruit invite the dentist to your door. Sensitive teeth formulations I am a big believer in. Similarly, I had terrible eczema as a young adult. The prescribed steroid creams didn't offer the solution and so I had to find my own answers. Eventually, I found aloe vera cream. Aloe vera is a godsend, or should I say goddessend? I now live a symbiotic existence with aloe vera.

Having a toothache is a great spiritual teacher. It's clearly superior to going to church or mastering physical postures. This assertion is predicated upon the suffering that causes you to act in order to find answers and relief from your painful condition. Life can be painful, and the suffering will compel you to also seek out answers.

Ram Dass tells a story where his guru Maharaji-ji exclaims all suffering is grace. Ram Dass' initial reaction to this assertion mirrored my own. How could a high spiritual being make such a claim? Suffering is the enemy and anyone on the spiritual path should be relieving suffering, not be blasé about it. Even if I accept that all suffering is grace, I still don't understand it until I probe my own life and see how I seek answers because of suffering. My transformation is given the necessary impetus via suffering. Once grokked, the statement of the guru becomes an obvious truth. It doesn't mean we don't work towards relieving suffering where we can, but we also see its divine quality.

Life on earth is defined by suffering. Along with needing a heat source, we endlessly suffer because of biological demands. In essence, we are set up to suffer. Hunger compels us to seek out food and in dire situations we directly take life in order to eat, just like an animal. Us modern day humans have offloaded the killing to places that are out of sight, so we don't see it. We go to the supermarket where everything is packaged and looks nice. Look at the exquisite marbling on that scrumptious piece of grade A beef! We obscure the fact that as animals we have to take life in order to survive. The plant kingdom is one up on us. Plants survive on the natural elements, being able to use photosynthesis to transform light and they ingest minerals through the soil thanks to water. They absorb carbon dioxide in the air. On the other hand, we kill plants and animals and extract their nutrients in our primitive stomachs.

Mother Earth provides what we need to survive. Given free will, humans increase the amount of suffering in the world through greed. We hoard resources and the reciprocal result is that many go without, while a few prosper. Most of the world lives in poverty while in the First World we have it good. Even in our societies the same situation plays out where there are players who amass huge sums of wealth while others in these wealthy nations live in poverty. The elite buy access to power, enrich themselves in the public trough, enact favourable legislation, and in turn the divide gets even worse.

When everything is going my way, I get content and fat. I live a life of leisure and don't feel compelled to act or change. When I am faced with adversity, I become focused and determined to change my situation and reach the goal I established for myself. To not act would mean slipping into a crippling depression which would result in death. So, it seems suffering will transform or kill you. That's a tough teacher. The outcomes mimic what I have experienced on the spiritual path where I had to deal with a masculine force that was going to destroy me unless I changed. My spiritual father taught transformation through unorthodox methods of harassment with the result forcing me to either change, run, or perish. I chose the path of transformation due to a thirst for knowledge and wanting to get back to the Goddess, who is love. The fear compelled me to act and transform into a warrior who would vanquish the enemy. My father played the part of the dragon masterfully and I am forever grateful for all he did, ultimately becoming who I am because of suffering.

War, famine, pestilence, pandemics, disease, and natural disasters. Loss of loved ones. Depression. Envy and jealousy. Greed. Suffering is part of the curriculum and to be in a human body on this earth is pointing towards action. I've never been sold on life having any kind of purpose but rather we can make it purposeful, and the grace of suffering gives us the push we need to take the course and work towards graduation.

I have looked at life and seen how easily we can make it hell. We were given a garden and we destroyed it. I have wondered why am I here? Clearly, it is a mistake because I don't think I should be in hell. Why did I deserve to go to this hell? I went to hell in order to enact transformation which will lead me towards the path of the heart and back home to the Goddess.

state of no mind

Life rolls along and my spiritual journey rolls with it. When the heat was turned up way back in 2013 and I faced a healthy dollop of fear, I didn’t think things would ever compare to what I faced. The fear was direct and tangible from which I had to spend almost a year recovering. I learned self-mastery because of walking through the fire and then like all fallible mortals, I let the mastery slide. However, when faced with the challenge, I rose to the occasion and got past my fear, which of course was a necessity if I wished to continue enrolled in the master class.

Once I sailed on past fear, I started to experience some things that were new to me. I encountered this feeling of cosmic love, which engulfed me. The love was bliss, yet so strange. Never had I felt this way before, and it was clear love was the answer and the way to live our lives. I wasn't at the point in the course where I was to walk the path of the heart back home; instead, I was given a taste of what is to come. I still thirsted for knowledge, and I had to reconcile with my darkness, all before walking home.

The great gift of meditation or any modality that quiets the mind is in the process of becoming pure awareness. Stopping the spin puts you into the state of pure consciousness. Subsequently, you can engage the mind and see you'll never walk the path of the heart through the mind. Aha! That's how I will find the way back home. The state of mind flipped to the state of no mind. Did you know that the Quechua word for Huachuma, the sacred cactus of the Andes, means “no head”. It is said the cactus gives you the keys to heaven. Pretty good clue!

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru Maharaji-ji telling him to "Love all and tell the truth." This sent him for a mental loop because the truth was he didn't love everybody. The teaching was at odds with what he perceived and caused a mental meltdown. Love all and tell the truth is a master kōan. The design of the request is meant to force you to tie yourself up in a mental knot trying to achieve spiritual mastery. For sure, if I'm enlightened, I have to love all and tell the truth. The dissonance between the truth and reality that you don't love everyone is a pretty tough swallow and deep down we all know we are spiritual frauds because this one is the showstopper.

The heart course requires you to experientially learn the lessons. The mind spins and creates falsehoods. As long as you engage the mind, you will never reconcile love and truth. When you release yourself from the grip of the mind, you clearly see love and truth are inexorably intertwined. Awareness just is. What just is, is the simple truth. A simple and profound truth. The truth behind the veil is the one begets the many and thus the question of love and forgiveness of self. Do you love you? This is all me.

I can see another crossroads coming up in the distance. The game is unravelling before my eyes. I have figured out the cosmic joke and can now laugh about it. I'm in hell and I'm a co-creator and co-conspirator of the cosmic game board which when I rolled snake eyes, I found myself in the lower regions. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why I'm here. What did I do to get myself sent to hell? For sure, I'm not like the others. I've always felt an outsider while wondering how people fit in so easily to culture. I've always wanted to be left alone and create my own bubble. The situation does not add up. I’m different. This must be a mistake.

Yeah, I know, it's not a mistake. My attachment to desire and the requisite suffering is clear. Sure, I've polished my gemstones and am nearing the end of the curriculum of incarnations, but the glass isn't pure as of yet. Desire has waned and my life has taught me the consequences of my actions and the suffering I perpetuate upon not only myself but the world. I know I won't change the world overnight but I know I can work on myself and polish up that old chestnut so it shines and go from there.

This world is meant to cause suffering as the result of our choices and actions. Or the opposite. The cycle is on repeat, and the heavy hammer of suffering keeps banging us over the head to no avail. Eventually, some will wake up. It's a given. You do what you can to relieve suffering while knowing it must be this way. As Ram Dass would explain, "All suffering is grace" and he would qualify the statement by saying it sure is a stinker and tough to swallow.

The path of the heart is the toughest course of them all. The intense fear of the spiritual novice is no longer present, and I can't lose myself in extricating myself of that challenge. The quest for knowledge with its frustrations and unbelievable exhilaration has been quenched. The reconciliation with my brother, the other, the prince of darkness, has happened and I accepted who I am and what I can do. I hold the power in my hands and can manifest whatever it is I desire. I knew enough to let it be, both subconsciously and by my own blundering self. I sat at the feet of the maestro warning me of power and how we all seek it out. I learned his lesson plan and though tempted by power and control, it's not what I wanted. I knew my path was the path of the heart. Ever since I found her in Egypt, I knew I would walk home to my mother. It is the reason I have done this trip.

So, I see it approaching in the distance. I can let go of the attachments. I know they weigh me down and keep me here on earth. I keep tempting myself with more and more fulfillment of various desires, yet the path of the heart is now lit up; so, even if I veer off it, I can easily re-find it. I've boiled it down to making choices; choices that I make with free will in which I know of the consequences of the actions I take. My choices are tilted towards the heart, and I see the weights that are keeping me here are being lifted. As they fall away, I see the beauty and the ugliness of the present. I'm aghast at the insanity and suffering found here on earth and I can't shake this feeling anymore that I've done most of the work and I'm getting ready to leave. Giving the heart wings to love all unconditionally without attachment shows you the way out. I know now death is the doorway.

I see the exit. The choice is to leave or take the bodhisattva vow and become of service to help others find the way out.

I shed the attachments that imprison me and will open myself to all. I am to become of service; however, not become attached to the other or the outcome.

The world is a carnival of delights with the madhouse inviting you in for a ride. I'm weary and wary of the roller coaster and I'm not keen on the prospect of ever returning. Yet, I see what is needed more than ever are beings of service who can teach awakening and point the way towards the truth and the heart. I don't have to wait until the next incarnation. I'm at the point where I can do this now.

good guy

The war in Ukraine has driven one point home to me that coincides with my psychedelic experiences. I want to identify with the good guy; so, in my inner journeys, I become the light and objectify my shadow as the other. I claim the moral high ground and deny responsibility for the darkness in the world. I did it often enough so that eventually the realization that I'm both the good guy and the bad guy whacked me over the head like the blunt force trauma of a hammer.

When I consume mainstream corporate news, I am told the same thing. We in the west are the good guys and the Russians are the bad guys. The other is designated the “evil empire.” The language used is simple and makes me laugh. Professional people in suits, holding positions of power within the cultural west, constantly use the term "good guys" and call Russian leader Putin the "bad guy" or they position the conflict as good versus evil. Those old enough will remember 43rd US President Dubya and his "evil-doers" phrase, spewed forth in an acquired southern drawl. A cursory look at western behaviour over the last two decades clearly contradicts this narrative but the presentation is so simple and compelling, thus speaks to us directly because we all want to believe it. I'm the good guy. I kept doing this during psychic exploration. Eventually, I had to give it up in order to understand who I am. The same challenge awaits the west.

I didn't want to accept responsibility for the horrible acts I support, perpetrate, and unleash upon the world. I stand back and say, "That's not me. I'm not dropping bombs or purposely starving non-compliant nations." In order to live a life of economic dominance, we privileged countries need third world countries to enslave and pillage of their natural resources. If we participate, the affluence trickles down to us in western society while the elites directly enrich themselves through graft and corruption of their vassal states.

What you desire is what you will manifest. For some, the deepest of their desires are buried far down into the subconscious. If you are suffering, ask yourself why? If you find yourself in a war-torn shithole there may be a reason for it and it begins with self. The journey inwards will reveal it is you who makes the world come alive. You are responsible. You are the magician. Eventually, you will have to accept you are also the bad guy or the lesson plan will grind to a halt. We all identify with the good guy, or we are striving to become just like Christ. We further bury our darkness without integrating all back into a wholeness.

So, on the road to becoming reconciled there may come a point when you welcome your brother back on to the throne of self and stop objectifying him as the other. Perhaps you will then have a dream which will reveal to you the secret of all secrets. What you desire is the impetus behind all that manifests in the world. From my perspective, all events that occur in the world timeline are a product of my desire system and what I wish to have come about. The world is divided into have and have nots because I wanted to live a life of having, but not too much that would draw attention. I needed to not be too immersed into fulfilling all desires lest I totally forget why I’m here. The spiritual path would be hard to justify if I were rich. I mean there is that passage in the New Testament about the rich man and the eye of a needle. Here’s the passage from the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 19 (King James Version):

23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

When I first discovered my shadow and objectified him, he scared me. He appeared to me because it was what I wished for. I wanted to find out why I had this dark side to me, and I wanted to reach some sort of closure. I thought I could get rid of my darkness and become ultra-holy. I mean that’s the achiever part of the spiritual path. What a journey this has been. He has taught me so much. After he scared the shit out of me and I ran, eventually I returned. I laid down some ground rules where the coming tribulation would not affect my family. He threatened me with death on this voyage and I accepted that as an outcome.

Fast forward to the next phase of the lesson plan and I see the pandemic is of my own making. My shadow is the expert weaver who takes this world event and applies it to my teachings. He can take disparate human journeys and create a world where the events that are transpiring all line up and have meaning for us as a way to correspond to what it is we ultimately desire. For most of the world, the virus is another random threat on the road of life trying to inculcate a sense of urgency concerning the mortal coil but for me it is a major lesson on the path towards self-awareness of who I am. This is what I wanted. It’s my innermost desire. I wanted to figure out the mystery of life. The isolation forced me to reconcile all my lessons and discover the truth about myself. Without the full-stop I would have continued on the path of consciousness exploration without a total full integration of all I had been shown. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and made me quite aware of my psychic split. From this standpoint I had to then figure out the rest of the story and drop my prejudice. My prejudice was continuing to objectify him as the other and the bad guy. Once I saw through my refusal to accept what is, I got the answer I was looking for. I clearly saw it is I who brings this world to life. The power is in my hands.

I have had some good teachers on this path. The maestro don Howard warned me of this power though at the time I didn't know what he was really talking about. Yeah, power corrupts, I know. I have heard the stories and warnings. I've read books by Carlos Castaneda where he tells tall tales about his run in with this power. Sure, it's mostly fiction but it is grounded in truth.

Indeed, it is I your humble writer, who is not really real. The identity I cloak myself in is a sham. I’m playing it small, not wanting to bring attention to myself or admit I hold all the cards in my hands. I am the light, and I am the darkness. I’m the good guy and the bad guy. I am a saint and a scoundrel. Charitable and a thief. This facade of self is the vehicle I chose to reconcile the two brothers within who constitute my essence and this life project is a build that is ultimately focused on finding common ground. There is to be a meeting in the middle, in the heart space of acceptance and love.

When you drop your small ball identity and see through the veil of self you discover two. The prism refracts into objects of self. Being free, the project of discovery allows you to integrate the two back into the one. You will find out who you really are.

Let me further explain: I have come forth as masculine and I see two within my psychic split. I drop the identity of this lonely and helpless dude, reconcile my power, and discover I am the divine masculine power. The process is similar for the feminine. She reconciles with her origin and discovers she is the divine feminine. The process of letting go of objectification then allows the two powers to enter into a state of union once again. The sacred marriage constitutes just what is. The sexual union of the two merges all back into totality. The sacred triad of the two into one.

Can this union last forever? I think we all know the answer. The two will birth the next iteration of creation.

A great gift is the gift of motion. What defines creation is a state of cyclic coming and going. Definitions and objectification fall away because transformation is the name of the game. On and on it goes. I salute you, dear reader, and what you have put into motion.