he with the two faces

I started reading the Bible word for word about 12 years ago. And that's not just a cliche, I went through every word. I looked up the meaning of every word in a concordance. I was manic and under some spell to decipher meaning from these ancient texts. It was all part of my middle age crisis where I was determined to find the origin of beliefs. I wanted to find out why humans throughout history have had a belief in a higher power. Superstitions play a part in it but at one point in our history there were no atheists; well, there were a small minority who kept quiet about it. I found it compelling there wasn't more dissent and convinced myself our ancestors had more access to the divine. I then set out on a path to find out what the access was, which led me to shamanism, and then into the Amazon jungle and the potent decoction called Ayahuasca. It seemed clear to me that the suppression of consciousness altering substances would lead to a decline in religious and spiritual beliefs and only those who could go on faith and the intercession of a priest could and would remain in a relationship with higher powers.

I was naively introduced to psychedelics ten years ago and was immediately catapulted into the world of spirit. First contact was with the Great Goddess and subsequently I've met some of the all-time greats! My quest for the origin of beliefs ended about twenty minutes after drinking my first cup of Ayahuasca.

Further exploration of the psyche took me to many places and along the way I've retained my knowledge of the Bible though by no means do I consider myself of the Book. I know the characters, the motifs, and the mysteries hidden by the stories. My favourite is the relationship of the first born to the second born. This motif is pronounced in the stories of Cain and Abel, and Esau and Jacob. We also see Jacob bless Joseph's two sons Manasseh and Ephraim and he crosses his arms so that Ephraim, the second born, receives the blessing of the first born just as Jacob had usurped these gifts from his first born brother Esau. Here's the description of the blessing transference from Genesis chapter 48, New International Version.

12 Then Joseph removed them from Israel’s knees and bowed down with his face to the ground.

13 And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel’s left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them close to him.

14 But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim’s head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh’s head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

My first love in gathering knowledge to fulfill my mission was studying the ancient Egyptians. I am captivated by the story called, "The Contendings of Horus and Set" which depicts a lifelong struggle between adversaries for the crown of the murdered Osiris. Horus is the son of Osiris and Set is the brother. Though Horus and Set are not brothers but uncle and nephew, the hidden meaning revolves around this war within you for dominance which the Bible refers to as brothers.

In my own life I have felt this for as long as I can remember though full acknowledgement didn't come until I was over four years into my psychedelic journey. I would encounter another half of me, scare myself, externalize the situation, run from him, and then try to convince myself to stay away from altering my consciousness. I was frightened though curious at the same time. I did get past the fright and then was able to explore deeper. I fully accepted the other half of me about five years ago and have explored that relationship. The part of me that has taken centre stage in this lifetime can't be trusted and waffles. I originally locked away my other half upon coming of age, so in response the shadow part of me now has ensured I won't do it again. It's for the best. He told me in 2020 that I need to kill myself in order to live. I was spinning my wheels going nowhere, taking us both down. The pandemic locked us down and Magic Mushrooms allowed me to have an airing of grievances with my shadow. We hashed out our differences and became friends who understand each other. I help him and he helps me. I'm the pretty face to the construct and he will get us to where we need to be.

I thought of those who let their darkness run their lives. They are the one's seeking power; they are greedy; they are lustful. These are the people that make earth a miserable place. Is that my future if I let my shadow start running the me show? I pondered my predicament when the voice from within said it is not so. I have the advantage of knowing of this split within the man, acknowledging it, and entering a partnership. For everyone else, it is a struggle for mastery. At this point it was my shadow who directed me to my knowledge of mythology and my intimate knowledge of the Bible and God. The Old Testament God is the supreme Alpha male, and he comes forth in all first born. The story of the Israelites is the veneration of God through the first born and then taking the birthright of the first born for their people. The rightful owners of the birthright are the descendants of Cain and the descendants of Esau.

Cain couldn't handle the birthright and as the original first born he became jealous of his brother and then smashed his head in with a rock. From this encounter is derived eternal animosity. In the Old Testament the Israelites schemed to take the birthright as well as crossing the arms to transfer the blessing from first born to second born. I bet you never have understood or seen this explained before. Instead, you just read a bunch of Biblical stories and allowed some other ignorant theologian to explain it. Sorry to be so dismissive but sometimes the truth slaps you in the face. Cain is expelled from society and sent to wander the Earth. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 4 NIV to which I’m referring.

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

Cain is doomed to wander the Earth in perpetuity. As the first born, Cain is the spirit of the Alpha male come to incarnate. He is an angel of God. The angel of God in the Old Testament is a wanderer, just like Cain. How do I know this? Well, check out these passages from Zechariah chapter 1 NIV.

8 During the night I had a vision, and there before me was a man mounted on a red horse. He was standing among the myrtle trees in a ravine. Behind him were red, brown and white horses.

9 I asked, “What are these, my lord?” The angel who was talking with me answered, “I will show you what they are.”

10 Then the man standing among the myrtle trees explained, “They are the ones the Lord has sent to go throughout the earth.”

11 And they reported to the angel of the Lord who was standing among the myrtle trees, “We have gone throughout the earth and found the whole world at rest and in peace.”

The four horsemen of the apocalypse from the New Testament Book of Revelation are mentioned here in the Old Testament. The angel of the Lord is the leader of this group who wander the Earth, stirring up trouble whenever they find peace. The angel of God rides a red horse. The association of red to war, the alpha male, to the first born, and to God himself is not lost on anyone with a capacity for synthesis of ideas present in the Bible. God is the Lord of Hosts. Hosts means armies. First born males are described as red and ruddy. It is the meaning of the name Adam. Esau got the nickname Edom, which means red. God in heaven is the colour red. Don't believe me? Check out these passages from Revelation chapter 4, NIV.

1 After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.”

2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it.

3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Other translations describe a carnelian stone which is a translucent red. I present these passages to demonstrate that Jacob's brother Esau is a first born angel of God. Jacob steals the birthright and blessing from a hapless Esau. In Genesis chapter 32 NIV is the famous story of Jacob wrestling with the angel of God after trying to run from him.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Jacob subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel. Immediately following this story is a reconciliation of Jacob with Esau. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 NIV to which I’m referring.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. He's swearing an oath on his life to God. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

Jacob sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two faces within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture. Thus, the psychic split within us is revealed through the story of Jacob and Esau. We are both god. I come forth. I'm the usurper of the throne who is the Jacob of the Old Testament. My shadow as the omniscient life force is relegated to the dark. Remember the angel of God telling Jacob when they were wrestling, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” We both have monotheistic tendencies, and the resultant backlash and gambit of the Alpha is to be the voice within and to be worshipped as God.

The enmity between the two inhabiters of the body fuels the disease within. The reconciliation of the contending halves of self for the crown recreates the divine masculine. The wholeness results from the two faces of God again becoming whole. This is the grand narrative of life for the man, interspersed with calls to adventure.

enlightenment travel agent

There's a life balance towards which we all have to pay heed. By this assertion I'm describing our incarnation which involves fulfilling our dreams. Dreams are code for desires. There is a reason we are all in the beautiful freakshow and if you look within you will certainly find it. The balance I am mentioning is due to a concept called reciprocity. We make deposits in this cosmic bank which gives us the capital to pursue our desires. This is a process I've discovered that is never ending and as you progress through life, it just becomes a little more highbrow.

Let me explain further: I went on a spiritual trip at middle age and fell for it hard. I sidestepped the tentacles of culture that are set up to ensnare - you know the church, the eastern disciplines run by westerners, the new age scene, the guy on YouTube with the pretty eyes and all the answers - you know, the whole lot of them. I'm not a joiner and prefer the lone wolf gambit, I'll figure out my own path. It's uniquely for me and I'm not in your shoes so don't take my words or actions as gospel. I became a repository of knowledge and have all the receipts for the accumulation of gobs of knowing. Like a good stew, I then let it marinate while continuing to explore. My path took me from books to getting out in the world and then going into my inner world. I highly recommend the adventure and can help you with a similar itinerary if you wish. I can be your enlightenment travel agent.

There's no certificate for enlightenment. Oh, maybe there is. Perhaps some establishment will give you a piece of paper extolling your spiritual accomplishments after you give them a chunk of change. The point I'm making is if you have an independent streak, no one is going to bestow the title of enlightened upon you and furthermore because it is so nebulous and undefined, you'll always be twisting in the wind wondering if you can now mingle with the holy set. Allowing others to anoint themselves is bad for the spiritual business. As with all human endeavours, we need to appeal to an authority with the power to bestow honourifics.

What I'm getting at, tongue in cheek, but with a lot of truth based on my journey is that intuitively you will know when you know. What is it that you know? You know who you are. You know why you are here. You know the path forward. You want to help others see it and allow them to progress at their own pace.

A cold plunge isn't going to bring you to enlightenment. You know what will? Sinking into your many faults and making the mirror so present you will see it. Overload yourself with what makes you repeatedly fall down to the point you finally acknowledge it. Then the real work can begin where you transform those faults into strength. You walk through the fire and before perishing you turn yourself into a woman or man of steel.

I'm writing about this because the time is at hand. I have wanted to be of service and give back. I didn't know how to do this. I'm not an extrovert and struggle playing the game of wanting to help groups of people. Frankly, I suck at it. I couldn't start a men's club or a spiritual group. I'd hate it and look for a way out.

I wrote this a few months before my recent trip to Peru. I re-read it recently and it sums up my path of service:

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

I have life capital I can use to invest in others. I can hoard what I have as security against whatever is coming my way, or I can start spreading it around now. I can die with millions in the bank or Be Here Now in service. I've discovered the secret for my happiness. It's to be free. You need some coins to be free, but not a lot. The road ahead is well illumined. That's the startling point of this whole trip. I expected a trip into the fog of not knowing and mystery. The clarity is razor sharp.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing and fulfillment of desires. You are free to call those desires your life mission. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

inner truth

Religion is the objectification of spirituality. It is making the esoteric exoteric, by projecting out from your inner life the inner sanctum which is unique to your story. Every conscious being is responsible for creating a universe. My world is different than yours, and we agree on what we witness through language and definition. The energetic impulse from the dreamer crosses each avatar's boundary. We can interact within each other's dream and create a new dream, called offspring, by merging into one and reproducing.

Our inner lives are similar in experience, much like the outer life. The concepts of love, light, the divine feminine and masculine are common to all because they are what we are. Also similar are the experiences of the darkness and demons which seek to control our behaviour. Because of the overlap, the ability to create a religion, name the cast of characters, and ascribe attributes to them based upon cultural norms and expectations, becomes an exercise that is highly probable to succeed. Human beings are given validation of what it is we all intuit.

Where we get lost is in the ceding of our inner truth to an authority which expects us to conform to a canon of acceptable beliefs. This is because my truth is different from yours. My location on the spiritual path is at a different point in the journey from yours. My life lesson plan is different from yours. We have divergent karma and to feed everyone from the same bowl is not fulfilling the potential of each incarnation. We seek answers and often don't know where to turn, so we look towards the spiritual authorities in culture. The hard part is turning inwards to find the answers you seek. You hold all the answers and if you ask, you will unveil them to yourself.

The role of belief in the game is paramount, but it is not belief in an external projection. The belief is in yourself. I'm telling you that only you know why you are here and within you have the answers to what it is you are looking for. As hard as it may be, you are responsible for your spiritual progress. The true teacher of the path will direct you to go inwards, that is all. Though you will find the answer within, it doesn't mean you are left to a life of isolation. Find the others on the path and celebrate the uniqueness of the journey you are all on together.

I am intimately aware and acquainted with my inner spiritual world. At first, it was all new and fantastic, so I externalized these characters. This has the consequence of inculcating fear. After you exhaust that trip and either run from yourself or stand up to yourself, you reach the turning point. You are either defeated or become a first-class warrior. The warrior gets past the fear and starts to explore which reveals the truth. It's all you.

Religions are containers for spiritual truths. They bring the mystery to life and as humans we take the knowledge and shape it in order to get an advantage over the easily led sheep. At the core is found what it is we seek. It's up to you to use your wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Other people's fantastical consciousness journey stories are a trap. They wow you with embellishments of what they experience in the psychedelic space and you're like, "I wanna go there! I wanna have that experience!" This takes you away from your personal story. There's nothing like your story and if you stick with it, you will discover the big secret. All of us are sidetracked by the bombast of the other, and we lose sight of our own path. We become attentive and captured by the pull of the other, who mostly cloaks their intention in a blanket of service that shields a desire for followers and a perverse need to monetize the human experience.

It's smaller scale co-opting that is also performed by religious institutes. The human experience will demand you confront your mortality and the guardians of culture know you will start to awaken. At the ready here in the West is the Church. When the time comes, the doors are open and welcome you into the fold. The original awakening that brought you to the doorstep is short-circuited. There's a canon of beliefs you must accept, and the priest becomes the go between in matters regarding the divine. So many blindly fall for this even though they were the original priest who had the contact with something divine.

The positive aspect of all these distractions is to prevent the final awakening. When enough of us awaken we will reach a tipping point. The tipping point is we collectively awake from this long and strange dream and the world ends. You can see the signs already, can't you? The coming destruction is upon us because it's the manifestation of energy on a higher consciousness plane simply of God waking up. You are God. It would be conspiratorial of me to suggest there're many in this realm that are working hard to prevent God from waking up. When you walk your own path in your consciousness journey you reach the door which when you open it will reveal the secret. We are all on our own personal journey of awakening which leads to this door. In the labyrinth of the damned, the detours and sideshows are aplenty. You can travel through them in order to become acquainted with them but chalk them up as learning experiences. Retrace your steps and find faith in your inner guidance. Follow your unique path to the end and find the centre of centres.

The light has been brought and I have come forth by day. I have awakened within my dream and see this as a world of my creation. To take the last step, fully awaken, and get out of bed, means the destruction of the universe. It is Shiva completing the Rudra Tandava dance of destruction. Falling asleep created the world and awakening destroys it. The caretakers of the world scurry about devising ways to keep the dream going. How do we keep God distracted so this whole edifice does not blow up? The eventuality is that it will, but in the meantime the dam is patched in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood waters. Yeah, I'll play along for a bit longer, but it's too late. I can't go back to sleep, so I'm just going to lie in bed for a bit before I get up.

another plant medicine story

Integration from my latest plant medicine journey in Peru this past January had been a bit of a non-starter for a few months. The reason is the experience has continued into my life back home and a few months later I was still on the journey. I’ve probably stated after past experiences that the journey I just returned from was the best ever. Not every time, as I know some trips were more impactful than others. I mean the first time I went in 2013 was dreadful but it opened the doors to a ten-year odyssey. This last trip was a showstopper through the northern coast of Peru and then on up into the Andes mountains. The plant medicine of record was Huachuma, the cactus heart opener.

When you drink two full cups of strong Huachuma every other day for two weeks straight things start to come a little unglued. The maestro don Martín serves an energetic cocktail which upon continual use took me beyond expectations and knowledge of what Huachuma can facilitate. Usually by now, I will have written a detailed account of my journey from the notes I took during the experience. I don’t feel a calling to do that this time around, however I’m sure I will write about pockets of the sublime adventure in due time.

My understanding of Huachuma consisted of at its best an unparalleled heart opener. If you turn off the mind and sink into bliss, your heart will become on the verge of exploding with love. I knew if I couldn’t bypass the machinations of the mind, Huachuma would dutifully take you to hell. I played this out many times intra-ceremony, and ping-ponged between heaven and hell. On my last trip, just prior to the pandemic I started to uncover another layer of this medicine. I titled my blog post, “Fairy Tales and Magic” based on events and the intuition that was unfolding before me. I realized I had this energy coursing through me that was subconsciously at work, making my desires come to fruition. I peeled away the veil that separates who I think I am from the sum total of my being.

In the intervening three years between trips to Peru due to the global pandemic, this force within me would manifest what I wanted. Uncomfortable situations were brought to the fore and if I made the correct choice, all would work out. It involved what felt like tests which were presented to me so I could figure out if I did have principles and whether I would capitulate when the going got tough. I saw the easy way out and I closed that door. I took the path based on my principles and what I knew was the correct decision. I trusted my intuition and the knowledge that everything would work out if I didn’t waver.

The sum of my life has been a battle between being a good boy and a bad boy. Being a good boy is alluring because it grants you the approval of others and in turn the game of life becomes a breeze. In addition, I learned how to balance out my good and bad. My ego persona comes from the good and I please others with my talent and charm in order to skate through life. I didn’t realize what I have been doing all my life until recently as sometimes it takes a while for the realizations to come. This took a lifetime, but I see it so clearly now, and I laugh. It’s an exquisite game I have crafted. If I don’t disappoint others, my life becomes a breeze. I develop trust and then can fuck off and do what I want. This sums up my work life and to an extent my personal life. The driving force behind my game is to achieve a precarious balance. I can earn capital which allows me to give it to the subconscious force within me, so he won’t totally fuck up my game. Balance is achieved and the hurricane blows on through. I clean up the damage, become a good boy again, and continue with the charade. I've always sided with being a good boy. Even now when I try to discard that shell, the good boy voice is so strong it takes over. My good boy self is judgmental and steers me back to complacency and routine. I now need to put a knife in him if I genuinely want to live. I realize this incarnation was not meant to fall into routine and wind up unfulfilled upon death.

So, what is Huachuma?

I have drunk the decoction called Huachuma a couple dozen times. I have had some light trips, some relentless energetic days that went on for 15 hours, and I have had introspective days with Grandfather. I had learned that Huachuma will take you to heaven if you disengage the mind. Huachuma means no head and it is the clue you need where you go into the heart space and experience bliss. Alternatively, if you engage the mind, it may take you into a hell of your own making. It mimics your everyday life with the difference Huachuma potentiates everything so that it is all in your face. I thought I knew what Huachuma was. I get mental clarity on my life path; I physically experience a clarity of what just is. I get a good case of the "feels." I see the grandeur and beauty of all that is around me.

This time the lessons picked up on an experience from 2017. Back then I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador and a day I spent with Grandfather just after my 50th birthday involved a grand teaching concerning the vibratory nature of existence. As a novice explorer of consciousness in 2013, the Great Goddess came to me at the conclusion of my first ever plant medicine experience and told me, “All is vibration.” I didn’t know what she meant, wrote a poem about it, and then unpacked it over the following years. I got the next phase of the lessons in 2017. I was instructed about the dominant frequency of power which rules the world. We get up in the morning and exchange our talent so we can drink from the trough of this power and carve out our piece of the pie. The spirit of Huachuma laughingly called this, “Sucking Satan’s cock,” and though crude, it fit the teaching. I was also taught about harmony and resonance. The undertones of the knowledge was that through gathering like-minded souls into a group you create harmony and a pocket of heaven in this hell world. Establishing resonance with one another allows two to move in a synchronistic pattern with the other. This is not limited to other human beings but to anything imbued with the life force, which is the power which sustains all living things. Fantastic feats of accomplishment can be achieved with this magic, basically explaining the achievements of past civilizations we have wondered about. How did they build the pyramids?

The day was an introductory course into the inner workings of the universe and I was assigned homework in regard to understanding what this all meant. The lessons were preparing me for my continued use of Huachuma. It would be another two and a half years before I drank Huachuma again in 2020 and though it was a while I had known I was not finished with his teachings. When I resumed drinking, the experience had changed, and I was starting to be witness to the different mind states I would be pulled into and how to raise my vibration to get out of hell when I fell in that hole. I then started to experience the magic available with Huachuma when I went up into the mountains for a week. I was connecting with others in a sub-level way, and I took notice. The feeling of connection was intoxicating and allowed one to communicate beyond verbal cues. It was a novel experience and one to investigate, however the pandemic put a halt to further investigation.

The pinnacle of my spiritual path is the heart. I walked the path of the heart to the end. I learned the lesson of loving all and not focusing on just one love. Ram Dass taught me that everyone is your crush and I understood. Assigning love to just one at a time and getting attached is not the route to my beatitude. Love all. That's the way into the chamber of the heart.

I took these lessons to Peru with me in January of 2023, intent on opening my heart up wide and keeping it open throughout the journey and then when I got back home. Huachuma showed me the example of the garden and how we plant our own gardens which contribute to the total of who we are. Of course, not all are invited into the garden, and like weeds they grow and become part of our garden. We can cultivate the weed and incorporate it into the fabric of our existence, or we can pull and discard them. We create our own unique garden. The beauty of our creation invites the birds in to sing their love songs as the echoes of their warbling ring throughout the forest of our lives. I was shown the love of the family unit and how essentially humankind is one big Garden of Eden spread out among this earth. I saw how the Great Mother's heart aches at the animosity between her children and she longs to bring us all back together to the dinner table for a nourishing family meal.

As with all lessons of the plants, they showed me everything. I was shown the garden analogy first and this fit in nicely with my teachings of loving all and making everyone the object of my affection. Don't have preferences. Once I start assigning hierarchy to love, the construct falls apart. My conception of love isn't sustainable when I delineate. Love to me is an undefinable bucket. I kept going further into what love is and what it is I'm searching for.

Just the one lesson of familial love wasn't in the cards. You see, we come to earth because we are desire. We wouldn't have been incarnated on earth without the pull of desire. First, I was shown familial love. And then I was shown the catalyst which is the ignitor of that love. I was given a dose in no uncertain terms of the gas that is poured upon the attraction that brings together the two. The root of what we all cherish is a ridiculously strong attraction which compels us to act. It is so potent we sometimes call it lust and once it catches you in its current, there really is no escape. The Huachuma we were drinking was so successively strong that the potion became divinatory. I saw what was to take place because of these teachings I had asked for. I had a choice, but really, I didn't. The coming hurricane engulfed me, and I welcomed it knowing all along where it was leading me.

I thought I knew Huachuma. It gave me clarity and a dose of the feels. Huachuma gave me life lessons of love and family. It always heightened energy to the point where I could see it. I didn't know it could reveal to myself and others the parts of us we keep hidden. Huachuma was continually magical. And I didn't know it could tell you the future and then have it play out before your eyes. I did nothing to stop it. I guess I could have, but I just went with it. What Huachuma showed me, all came true.

So, here I am in the aftermath of the hurricane and knowing I was the abetter of the hurricane. It's the fruit I wanted, desired, and I got to taste it. I learned when I project into the future or defer to culture and conformity, the fruit spoils. If I live in the now, the ripe fruit was available and I tasted the deliciousness.

I was taught a difficult lesson involving the path of the heart. I was selfish and treated others as incidental players in my game. It became about me and I let down others who had every right to question who I had become. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused those I love.

In my hands, I hold the ability to make earth heaven or to make it hell. It is daunting for sure, though at the core it's quite simple. Your choice.

upaya

I've always been a little different than the rest of the herd and because of this I eventually questioned my sanity. If everyone is doing one thing and I'm doing another or if the majority think in a certain way and I either don't go along with it or spout sentences that are far-fetched and strange, the assumption becomes I'm a little bit off. I concede that in relation to others, it is true I'm an outlier.

I mention this because I want to ensure myself I'm not mentally disturbed. I have a good grip on reality. I can sense my consciousness altered after a cycle of work with plant medicines and I know the change sticks with me for a while. I got back from my latest trip in early February and knew I was still in it. It lasted into April and then I felt it slipping away. It's now July and it is gone for the most part. It coincides with a sinus infection which made me give up tobacco snuff for the time being. The snuff was a way to get back into that altered state for a brief time. I had been using it three times a day and admittedly overdid it. So, here I now sit fully out of the medicine and I’m thinking "clearly." I put quotes around the word because I'm not sure this is hard reality. It's reality by consensus and it feels normal to me.

What I want to discuss is my intention I set for going on this latest trip to Peru in January. Here it is:

I still feel the cactus calling me and the reason is clear. It’s the path of the heart and I’ve tasted its fruits. Huachuma has graced me with this unfathomable cosmic love which clearly is the answer to all seeking and questions. The challenge has always been when the medicine wears off and I’m faced with the world at large, I’m kicked out of the proverbial Garden of Eden. I’m a work in progress trying to grasp this love I have experienced that is like sand slipping through the fingers as I try to hold on tight to it. My intention is through desire to addict myself to this love and carry it home with me.

I had mentioned in my application for the retreat that I want to live in the heart space. I reiterated this desire when we stated our intentions at the beginning of the journey. My intention was to accomplish this by loving all. Ram Dass had taught me to treat everyone as your crush. Put your love in everyone. When we start having preferences regarding whom we love, the whole scene disintegrates into a mess. The path of the heart opens to all. To concentrate on one is to lose sight of the goal.

So, what did I end up doing? I did the opposite and fell in love with just one. I justified this action by reasoning we are desire beings, and it is only natural to become inflamed by cupid's arrow and then to lose yourself in the deliciousness of the experience. It's highly addictive this love drug and makes you do questionable things. You might even make others suffer just so you can be engulfed in the passionate embrace of the love potion. I had missed this experience and became drunk on it.

My work with plant medicines allowed me to open my heart once again. After a series of relationships in my youth that ended in heartbreak, I shut down my heart. You may say I locked her away in a castle made of gold so I wouldn't feel the crushing devastation of heartbreak ever again. My psychedelic journeys showed me this. The vision was of a castle made of gold, and the Goddess as my heart was locked away in it. I came to rescue her and freed her from the terrible dragon that kept her in chains. My continued exploration revealed that I was not only the hero who came to save her but also the dragon. Through the help of the great maestro don Howard, I destroyed the castle and set the Goddess, my heart, free. Eventually, the time came in my lessons of the heart where I was to love and serve all, so off I went in deference to this noble idea. A true knight in shining armor!

I took my love, placed it in another, and then proceeded to worship her. I ignored anything that may have come between us or might derail this new love. I basked in the delightfulness of the experience. Then the cracks started forming. I papered over them in order to keep the love show going. I wanted to taste more of its fruits. Things evened out but the underlying problems were never going to go away. I sit here this weekend at my computer telling my story while I have a construction crew hastily rebuilding the castle made of gold. I have to take back my heart and again lock her away. I can't face another shattering, so it's best to get a head start on the situation and get her behind bars. This way I will be able to deal with whatever is to come.

I'm doing all this and then at the same time I remember my intention I set in January. I was going to walk the path of the heart and love all. Plant medicines teach by skilled means. They can use negative experiences as much as a positive experience. Don Howard would tell us students to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. I wanted to learn how to walk the path of the heart. Well, the teaching I got was to walk the path of loving just one and not all and see how that works out for you? It's still the same as it was in my youth and the knee jerk reaction is to blame the heart and lock her up again. My level of maturity, or lack thereof, knows why. I manifest my desires.

Wow. I ran through the gamut of reactions, emotions, and thoughts. The plant teachers let me twist in the wind just long enough so that I'd get it. The teaching would sink in. Okay, I got it. Love all.

I received the blessing of what I wished for. I've stopped construction on the castle made of gold.