upaya

I've always been a little different than the rest of the herd and because of this I eventually questioned my sanity. If everyone is doing one thing and I'm doing another or if the majority think in a certain way and I either don't go along with it or spout sentences that are far-fetched and strange, the assumption becomes I'm a little bit off. I concede that in relation to others, it is true I'm an outlier.

I mention this because I want to ensure myself I'm not mentally disturbed. I have a good grip on reality. I can sense my consciousness altered after a cycle of work with plant medicines and I know the change sticks with me for a while. I got back from my latest trip in early February and knew I was still in it. It lasted into April and then I felt it slipping away. It's now July and it is gone for the most part. It coincides with a sinus infection which made me give up tobacco snuff for the time being. The snuff was a way to get back into that altered state for a brief time. I had been using it three times a day and admittedly overdid it. So, here I now sit fully out of the medicine and I’m thinking "clearly." I put quotes around the word because I'm not sure this is hard reality. It's reality by consensus and it feels normal to me.

What I want to discuss is my intention I set for going on this latest trip to Peru in January. Here it is:

I still feel the cactus calling me and the reason is clear. It’s the path of the heart and I’ve tasted its fruits. Huachuma has graced me with this unfathomable cosmic love which clearly is the answer to all seeking and questions. The challenge has always been when the medicine wears off and I’m faced with the world at large, I’m kicked out of the proverbial Garden of Eden. I’m a work in progress trying to grasp this love I have experienced that is like sand slipping through the fingers as I try to hold on tight to it. My intention is through desire to addict myself to this love and carry it home with me.

I had mentioned in my application for the retreat that I want to live in the heart space. I reiterated this desire when we stated our intentions at the beginning of the journey. My intention was to accomplish this by loving all. Ram Dass had taught me to treat everyone as your crush. Put your love in everyone. When we start having preferences regarding whom we love, the whole scene disintegrates into a mess. The path of the heart opens to all. To concentrate on one is to lose sight of the goal.

So, what did I end up doing? I did the opposite and fell in love with just one. I justified this action by reasoning we are desire beings, and it is only natural to become inflamed by cupid's arrow and then to lose yourself in the deliciousness of the experience. It's highly addictive this love drug and makes you do questionable things. You might even make others suffer just so you can be engulfed in the passionate embrace of the love potion. I had missed this experience and became drunk on it.

My work with plant medicines allowed me to open my heart once again. After a series of relationships in my youth that ended in heartbreak, I shut down my heart. You may say I locked her away in a castle made of gold so I wouldn't feel the crushing devastation of heartbreak ever again. My psychedelic journeys showed me this. The vision was of a castle made of gold, and the Goddess as my heart was locked away in it. I came to rescue her and freed her from the terrible dragon that kept her in chains. My continued exploration revealed that I was not only the hero who came to save her but also the dragon. Through the help of the great maestro don Howard, I destroyed the castle and set the Goddess, my heart, free. Eventually, the time came in my lessons of the heart where I was to love and serve all, so off I went in deference to this noble idea. A true knight in shining armor!

I took my love, placed it in another, and then proceeded to worship her. I ignored anything that may have come between us or might derail this new love. I basked in the delightfulness of the experience. Then the cracks started forming. I papered over them in order to keep the love show going. I wanted to taste more of its fruits. Things evened out but the underlying problems were never going to go away. I sit here this weekend at my computer telling my story while I have a construction crew hastily rebuilding the castle made of gold. I have to take back my heart and again lock her away. I can't face another shattering, so it's best to get a head start on the situation and get her behind bars. This way I will be able to deal with whatever is to come.

I'm doing all this and then at the same time I remember my intention I set in January. I was going to walk the path of the heart and love all. Plant medicines teach by skilled means. They can use negative experiences as much as a positive experience. Don Howard would tell us students to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. I wanted to learn how to walk the path of the heart. Well, the teaching I got was to walk the path of loving just one and not all and see how that works out for you? It's still the same as it was in my youth and the knee jerk reaction is to blame the heart and lock her up again. My level of maturity, or lack thereof, knows why. I manifest my desires.

Wow. I ran through the gamut of reactions, emotions, and thoughts. The plant teachers let me twist in the wind just long enough so that I'd get it. The teaching would sink in. Okay, I got it. Love all.

I received the blessing of what I wished for. I've stopped construction on the castle made of gold.