pearl

The path of the heart is one of those challenging courses requiring effort to pass. I remember skating through most of my education as a youth and only being challenged by higher math courses. I put no effort into them and didn't do well. In post-secondary studies, I saw others drop courses or switch majors when things got too hard. My current predicament is along those lines where I must put forth a solid effort, or continual failure is the result. I failed the first part of the course. It would have been easy to say this is too difficult and leave this institution. It would have given me temporary relief with the effect of leaving my life more than a mess than it already is.

I think I have come across that predicament more than once during my incessant search for the meaning of life. The old saying about enlightenment goes along the lines of if you are thinking about becoming enlightened, don't do it. If you have already started, you should go all the way. In other words, don't half-ass it and don't give up if you made the unwise decision to attempt it. Similar is said about being red-pilled where it is for the best you remain ignorant of your situation here on earth. It will be more enjoyable a ride if you remain ignorant. If you take the red pill, swallow it whole. If it gets caught in your throat, it will just turn you into an angry and unpleasant malcontent who holds others in contempt. You will see how the world works but not understand why.

My journey is inexorably tied to psychoactive plant medicine. The beginning phase of my awakening was clueless about substances which change consciousness. As my studies progressed, I was shown different modalities of altering your vibration to move into obfuscated realms which throughout history have been branded as the occult. The study of alchemy is such a discipline which tries to reconcile who we are now with our destiny. Alchemical gold is concealed from the greedy pretenders who think it is a way to materially turn lead into gold. When truths are revealed to the human masses, it must contain a layer of misdirection to weed out the unworthy. The sincere aspirant will see through the facade. The Bible contains these layers as well. Humans want a reward and are frighteningly stupid at times. As a species we are easily led. We don't question things. We blindly follow authority. We conform to the wishes of a society set up to use us. We forfeit our mental capacities in times of crises and engage herd mentality. We are lied to and propagandized, and we accept it. Because of this, the truth of who you are must be kept secret. It is not for the unwashed sheep. Our human nature will rend it into a useless junk heap. Jesus Christ understood this well. In his Sermon on the Mount, he proclaimed the following in Matthew chapter 7 (New International Version):

6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Even finding a path such as plant medicines will not automatically get you what you seek. When I found them and did my first ceremony, I was astonished. Wow! My second and third ceremonies were the opposite. They pushed me away. This seeker isn't getting in. I was given a huge dose of fear, I became afraid, and was told to leave and never return upon penalty of death. When I summoned the courage to return, I was offered power over everything. I declined. In retrospect I see it. Many can stumble upon this path, so that layer of testing you to discover your intentions must be present to keep the greedy away from the pearl. A lot of us have good intentions when encountering the promise of plant medicines but then can't help ourselves. The light goes on in our head and soon we are taking advantage of the knowledge and using it to gain monetarily or increase our power and prestige because of it. It's a process that will ensnare most of us. If you sidestep these pitfalls, imagine then having to deal with the human emotion of envy? I've seen everything these prominent spiritual people have seen but I walk a lonely road with little recognition. All I get is I'm weird and crazy. Others get prestige and gravitas. Keep going. Chop wood and carry water.

The spiritual journey is punctuated by failure. That's a hard one to accept if you are building a brand. The spiritual enterprise known as Deepak Chopra can't experience falling down and failure. Who'd buy incense from that guy? In my previous recent blog posts, I've revealed what a failure I am in this path of the heart course. I was taught an important lesson through abject failure to adhere to previous lessons. I had to be shown what I would do once again in real time in order to realize the proper way to love. This is the introduction to the course. Here's a punch to the gut, a kick to the curb, and now think about it. It's not particularly hard to see what happened. You'll get it soon enough with a little effort. I progressed through this phase and was given a good dose of suffering. I don't wish that upon anyone, and I sense its potential to shatter your world. The course is relentless and soon enough the next lecture was scheduled.

Possessive love is not true love and thus subject to qualifiers. If you want to get over someone who caused you pain you can turn your emotions into anger and hate. Add a few drops of that elixir to the situation and see what happens. Don't add too much or you'll regret it. I can see why the world is full of negative emotions as it dulls the pain of suffering.

The path of the heart is to lead to loving all with no exceptions. Recent events have revealed I don't love all. Petty interactions with miserable people have led towards despising my neighbours. I have trouble loving someone I despise. Examining my predicament, I see the allure of becoming a hermit. I can love everyone if I don't have to deal with them.

The overall spiritual journey at first leads you to an external search for answers. It's a fun and exhausting trip towards what is calling out to you. I read a lot of books, I search the internet, I took courses at the local University, I travelled to Egypt, and I headed into the Amazon jungle. There's something hackneyed about the whole I searched everywhere for something that was always within. It's true, what you seek you will find within. The journey doesn't have to stop there though because in my experience it's cyclical. Once you discover it within, if you keep going you will find it externally. You must or couldn't love all.

Huachuma was the perfect catalyst for this part of the course. The strength of the intoxication altered my vibration to the point where I saw myself present in others. What made me who I am was present in the group of twelve other people I was with. It's an interesting symbolism, right? I don't want to compare myself to Jesus but what the hell, I will! Jesus' 12 disciples were aspects of him, even the ones that betrayed him - I'm looking at you Judas and Peter. Anyway, I was witness to self externally in others. Projecting this out throughout all of humanity allows you to see yourself in everyone. I readily accepted this and knew it was the answer to the question of how to love all.

In addition, it allows easy understanding of a concept that is troubling. As I have progressed upon this path, part of my awakening has involved realizing I'm God. Because of cultural bias and misunderstanding, this pisses a lot of people off. It's either dismissed, ridiculed, or I'm thought of as nuts. So, if you can see yourself in everyone else, what does that mean? We are all divine. Goddess and God. I'm not exclusionary with a monotheistic bent. God and Goddess are everything and everyone. It's just that no one sees this, so they react to my assertions in a negative way. Those that do discover this tend to aggrandize self and get locked away in a psychiatric institute. Then there's me.

You know what's cool about all of this? The whole Goddess and God drama plays out within all the different consciousness planes. You know this spiritual drivel flows through me like diarrhea. I keep writing and on it goes. At the plane of faster vibration all become one and there is no differentiation. Goddess and God are one. The oneness flows outwards into creation much like the sexual act in our dimension. Our world mirrors what happens in the higher planes of consciousness. The resultant child of the union creates a universe. Each iteration of Goddess and God contains within the all. This energetic happening comes forth in our consciousness plane as the sexual union of woman and man. It's the same energy doing the dance of creation. It's a gift on the spiritual path to see this and propels you further so you don't get stuck.

This path is what I wanted. I've tried to sabotage it and find a way to get off. I've cried at night to let me be so I could fulfill some other desire. I made a pact with self when I came here which involves keeping me going in the direction of the path of the heart. It's why I'm here and acceptance goes a long way towards understanding why things have worked out for me in the way they have.

I took the first step towards awakening at middle age. It wasn't solely spiritual but more of a Matrix like red pill which opened my eyes to a world which wasn't what it pretended to be. I've gotten this far, and it animates my life. I'll keep going as far as I can.

psychosis

The mind enables magic. It's the alteration of consciousness which unlocks the occult. The result also means you start acting a little off and talking about strange occurrences as well as having weird thoughts. Others start to whisper and then eventually tell you about the appearance of you having gone mad. You must pause at this moment and either accept it or see it for what it is. The important thing is you can question it.

If you can do this, you're not crazy. Others project this mental state onto you in order to make sense of their world. Your world is uniquely your world. Don't let them get into your head because their intention is to control you through this manipulation. When you call them out on this, they get defensive and try to blame you. Trust your intuition at this point. Record your thoughts so that when it all plays out you have a record of it and hold the receipts. This is important because you will forget about what your inner compass warned you about. The rose coloured glasses are pretty thick, so you only get glimpses of what is going down.

The diagnosis of a mental condition strikes me as a Catch-22. By Catch-22 I am referencing a situation where regardless of what you do, you will be in the wrong, have a negative outcome, or your views/understanding will not be valid. I came across how pernicious the Catch-22 is during some mandatory training I had to participate in. For most, they don't realize what's going on but, in my case, where I question everything, I thought the training was ingenious, yet I saw the deceit, so I just laughed at it, went along with it, and then developed contempt for these people.

If you show signs of psychosis or just that you are a little off, everyone in society accepts that you are in a state of non-reality and can dismiss you as crazy. The acceptance that if you do not agree with the canons of consensus reality you are nuts is so pervasive that it is not questioned. The weak mind says that if people think I'm crazy, I must be crazy.

If you know the rate at which you are vibrating determines your reality, then of course you will question the mainstream consensus. You get the conspiracy theorist label and a cultural strike against you. There's a lot at stake to convince you this is reality, in essence it's your imprisonment and you dutifully go along with it. Breaking mentally free of these chains puts you in opposition to everyone else. You must trust yourself, not the shouting masses and their labelling. It's exceedingly difficult and will further your confusion until you just want it to stop, take a pill to numb the upset, and go back to being a good drone in a sick society. With the gift of hindsight, I can see my intuition and understanding have been correct which further encourages me to trust my inner guides.

I'm very clever and a devout non-conforming contrarian so when I experienced psychosis it was a gift. I remember it well because it was when I first drank plant medicine in 2013. The break from reality scared me. Outside of the ceremony I was hearing things, seeing things, and confused. Once my mind recovered, I was able to face the fear again and start to explore. I've done it a bunch of times.

So, I can read about mental conditions being the result of overloading the brain and the brain producing non-ordinary states to try and make sense of the stimulus and condition. Or you have just tapped into another reality and the weight of culture is telling you that you are crazy. When you hold culture in contempt eventually you'll get past this block and be able to explore. I can go into and out of these realities with ease. You can call me psychotic as I tell stories of these adventures. For someone who is crazy, I sure am highly functioning and can hide it well. Or you can see that crazy is just a convenient label used to dismiss others you don't understand and don't want to understand. I'm going to upset your world and if you don't accept alternate realities you will cling to a society that is fundamentally sick and will imprison you for the rest of your life. The rumblings to escape will come and go, but you will run away when they do.

There are a lot of pills to numb you. As you drift away from the frequency that locks you into this hell world you are prescribed something that maintains your rate of vibration. I just want to fit in and be normal. Why not accept the gift of clairvoyance you have been given? Break free of the chains and give the jailer the middle finger. Be the joker in a world of obedient slaves. 

advice not judgment

The awakening process involves searching externally for answers and eventually finding out what you are looking for is found within. You are everything and the answers are contained internally. The progression on the spiritual path is not over at this point. When you see this, a funny thing happens. In the external world you can then see with clarity what you are looking for.

I've started heading down this path and one of the initial lessons I received was enlightening. When you see the divine in the external then it becomes easy to love all. It's the secret sauce I was looking for because I finally had to admit I don't love the other. I find so many people fearful and greedy while holding them in contempt. I now see those traits within and realize the other, who is me, has incarnated into the flesh on this planet of the damned in order to satiate greed, work through trust issues, and become a warrior. Everyone has a path they are walking. I might not approve, get pissed off at them, or condemn them but the path they are walking will lead to a resolution of what brought them here, even if it means repeating the grade. I understand this and can now look everyone in the eye and have compassion for all. We will all get there, and I can honour that spiritual journey.

When I signed up for the plant medicine experience, I was cautioned it wouldn't be easy. Don Howard warned of the tumult to come in your life. Ceremonies were indeed difficult as the fear and unknown aspects of them were challenging to the point of wanting to run and never return. As hard as that was, I can say the life challenges thrown your way during the interval of the integration process are far more difficult. They are made hard by a stubborn refusal to take stock of oneself and apply the lessons to the situation you have received repeatedly. Service and doing things without expectations. Unconditional love. Reciprocity. Love Serve Remember. I've tried my best to not do this. Eventually, the hard knocks to the head get through and the approach mirrors what you have been taught.

What are plant medicines teaching me? What am I here to teach you? Did I learn my lessons or even understand them? I know why I took the course. I wanted to delve into the peculiar human condition which involves love. We strive to love all which is difficult. We passionately fall in love with one which seems easy. That love is more precarious, and failure has the potential to shatter your world. Loving all doesn't contain this outcome. There is always lots of love to go around and time to wait until others get aboard the love train.

The teaching starts to become clear. To escape the cyclical nature of being is to love all. Walking the path of the heart to this fork in the road has been a ride. I wonder how the next chapter plays out as I draft this story?

It's the weight of your heart not the size. Those are great lyrics from the 90s grunge band Alice in Chains in a song called "Angry Chair", describing the condition of your heart resulting from a lifetime of living. Some people grow a big heart in terms of being generous. The weight of your heart is determined by attachment. Getting emotionally attached to others in love and then suffering heartbreak will give you a heavy heart. Loving all with no preferences will make you lighthearted. You see the good in all and love everyone for their journey and contribution to this game of life.

When I started out on this path of discovery, I invested heavily into learning about the civilization of the ancient Egyptians. I came across what was called the judgment scene.

It involves the recently deceased having their heart weighed on a scale against a feather in the Hall of Maat in front of 42 divine beings. If the heart was heavier than a feather, then it would be devoured by the hybrid demon Ammit. Our modern take on it was that you'd be destroyed and sent to the depths of hell if you couldn't pass this test. If you did pass the test, off you went to see Osiris and get access to paradise. Ammit will constantly gorge on your heart if it is not as light as a feather. Do you need to wait until death for this scene to play out? It's available now and is on repeat.

We called this scene judgment because of our Judeo-Christian influence. The elements are suggesting this with the various divine figures looking on in addition to surmising the Hall of Maat is set up for judgment. The concept of Maat in ancient Egyptian thought is referring to the natural order of things, comparable to the Hindu concept of Dharma. Our western thought processes will immediately connect this to judgment. I'm not so sure about the inference. Maat is just the way it is. To go against Maat will bring upset into your life, but that's not judgment. Instead, it is your own doing. Thus, another way to look at Maat is not as judgment but just a product of your own choosing, to wit Karma. If you spend your lifetime becoming attached to others this will weigh down your heart and you will return to this heavy plane until the lesson is learned. We all know there's no escaping the eventuality that everything we hold dear here on earth is going to perish one day, including our own life. I think within this is found a cause for continual celebration. To rejoice in what we have and to let go when the time comes. Not to be sad but to be happy someone has completed their journey. From this can be derived a light heart. To love all.

We have a preoccupation with death and not living in the moment. We look at such a scene from the ancient Egyptians and immediately think this is the afterlife and we are going to be judged. The bias is because of our upbringing and applied by default. It's easy to bypass the default way of thinking if you just do it without thinking. That seems like an oxymoron, think by not thinking! Don't filter your thoughts before the expansion. Just see them in perfect form and try to grasp what it is they are showing you. Okay, got it? Look at the hybrid crocodile goddess Ammit devouring hearts. Internally, the Goddess is your heart. A heavy heart is the result of choosing to love only a few rather than all. When the select few leave for whatever reason, your heart becomes heavy and once again the monster will devour it. The lesson becomes strikingly clear. Love all. It's not judgment - it's advice. You are being shown the way to eternal bliss is with a light heart.

My heart, who is my mother, who is the Great Goddess, asked me, "Why can't you fall in love with one and still love all? Why do you have to be selfish and exclusionary?"

Yeah, why? 

intentions

My intention: Walk the path of the heart. Whoa. It just hit me hard. That's what I'm doing. This sucks. The course puts you through the wringer. "Teach me to love." Okay, you asked for it.

The serpent as the Goddess takes her place at the top of the tapestry encircling the jaguar.

She is in her divine and exalted place. The pinnacle of the spiritual path is the path of the heart. After completing the various grades and assignments you enter into the last phase of the journey. The path of the heart. It sounds like bliss and a reward for the long climb. I was ready to open my heart and love all. Bring it on.

I went to Peru in January to drink a lot of Huachuma and let my heart shine. My beatitude awaited as I completed a ten-year plant medicine odyssey in addition to fulfilling a quest I started at middle-age. I've got the knowledge. I have understanding and a little bit of wisdom. I answered the questions about existence. The wisdom lessons said I'll never have all the answers nor will the seeking end - there's always more. The burning questions were answered, and I turned towards my heart. The Goddess was the catalyst for my plant medicine experiences and she is the one who made me come back for more, especially when times get tough, I was scared, and wanted to run far away.

My perception of the path of the heart and reality were at odds. This course is the toughest of them all, but it turns out I was predestined for a tough time because I don't know how to love. This deficiency meant starting from the bottom and re-experiencing the mistakes from my youth which had the result of locking away my heart. I had to go through the process once again and all the old feelings of despair returned. My go to was to lock her away. My heart was breaking, and I couldn't go through the pain. I soon realized that wasn't what I had been taught. My plant medicine journeys allowed me to release my heart from the castle made of gold; a castle my alter-ego the Dragon had constructed and locked her away in. My seeking and plant medicine use was a multi-year project to free her and here I was at the first sign of love trauma ready to lock her up. I got past this lesson, maybe a D+ as I wanted to imprison my heart, but I knew better.

So, I had to face a familiar heartbreak and despair. I had to project into the future a life without the one I had fallen in love with. I had to contemplate loss and how I'd never get back with her. I spent the nights longing. Why can't she remember how good we are together and come back to me? Why did her feelings change? What did I do? I hate this. This emptiness is killing me.

I forgot I was walking the path of the heart. I was walking the path of personal sorrow and seeing the collapse of my world. When I finally accepted the loss, I stood at my Mesa, and she looked at me and reminded me I'm walking the path of the heart. This is what I asked for and I was getting it. It's the toughest course. You're a good student Paul. You are going to do well, though you will fail parts of this course. Remember, this is what you asked for. The next night is when I looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and saw her over all. She's the best and allows you to lock her away as part of the teaching. To the aspiring student she then sends you off to slay the dragon so you can make the discovery you are the dragon. You are the one who imprisons her. She sacrifices self to teach you. I've got this far and now see it. Why did you lock me away Paul?

I cried. I did it because my love is possessive. I need you and will do anything to hold on to you. You will leave me because I'm not good enough, so I must imprison you. By making myself jailer I also imprison myself. I create a mess out of everything because I don't know what love is. I think I do, yet my actions prove otherwise. One taste of you and I will spend the rest of my days trying to get back with you. You showed me this clearly during my first ever Ayahuasca experience. I didn't understand it at the time, but I see it completely now.

Teach me to love Goddess.

Love must flow freely and without conditions. If love is tied to conditions, it's not true love. Do you see it? You may think it is love but it will spoil and wither on the vine. It won't last because conditions will change. The lessons affect us all and how you get the lesson is dependent on your circumstance. You chose to be a man this time and so you get to see it from this perspective. If you chose woman, then you will see how attaching conditions to love you in exchange for security is indeed a vexing problem to overcome.

As my previous life course concluded I was told to kill myself in order to live. The rub was I didn't know how to live. The pandemic hit and I was given three years grace to ready myself for the destruction of my life. When life resumed, I dutifully followed the path that was laid out for me and saw my destruction was nearing. Events unfolded, and this external force ignited the wick upon a bomb that would go off. This time there was no way out. The story of my life arced towards freeing myself of my lifetime of self-inflicted chains. The freedom from my mediocre life was waiting for me and I walked to the edge of the cliff. Everything fell apart in my world before I jumped. Instead of liberation, I retreated to a world of hurt and then was witness to an external world that was grappling with change and destruction. I sat with my misery and felt the pain envelope me. My sentence was two months until I found the answers I was searching for after I slowly let things go. The Goddess proactively instructs in the path of the heart course, and she was waiting for me to get over myself. She looked into my eyes and asked if I was now ready.

I see it. My shadow closed the last course by telling me to kill myself in order to live. As with all divine advice, I didn't understand it at first. I thought it meant to blow it all up and walk away free. This rallying call was preparing me to walk the path of the heart. Myself is the one who builds the prison. My fear of losing others and feeling the pain of heartbreak and loss causes me to imprison my heart. As the jailer, I cage myself because someone must watch her. I had to do this one more time, see it play out, and then understand why it happens. Killing myself means letting go of possessiveness. In order to be free I must let others be free and not create dependencies.

I have received the lesson loud and clear. The Great Goddess - my heart and my mother - is the teacher of the most important class that you will need to graduate from the University of Higher Consciousness. I've enrolled and got my ass kicked first semester. I'm a good student, not a quitter, and I know I will continue on, all the better, for the lessons learned from the ultimate school of hard knocks.