highs and lows

I know from experience that the best lessons, knowledge, and learning from a plant medicine experience come from the challenge. The direct within ceremony aspect of the extreme alteration of consciousness presents as cyclical highs and lows. This paradigm follows what you experience in daily life in a condensed manner. With Ayahuasca, the intense phase lasts for about five hours. When I sink into the depths and feel discomfort plus fear during the ceremony I react to the challenge. At first, I warn myself to stay away from these drugs as the upset is too much. I resist the darkness and the unveiling of negative influences upon me and the negativity I project upon others. This part of the experience does pass. I ascend to a blissful state of awareness and bask in the glow that has enveloped me. Because of this outcome, I participated in more plant medicine ceremonies. I can minimize the terrible lows, blocking out how bad it made me feel, and balance the alteration of consciousness. I have done this enough that I'm quite aware of the process and how I handle it. Without the lows teaching me, I'd have moved on. I always threaten to move on from these substances because of the darkness but that is the mystery that gnawed at me and made me come back for more.

Ayahuasca is more intense than Huachuma. The difference is the duration and mobility. In my experience Huachuma is about a twelve-hour trip with a strong dose. You can get out in nature and potentiate the intoxication with life. The group dynamic becomes key and the sharing and caring aspect of the plants comes into play. Ayahuasca floors you and sticks you to the ground. The mareación is a drunkenness of the body which precludes much moving around unless threatened by gastrointestinal distress.

My use of the plants has been a ten-year odyssey. Each substance comes on in a peculiar way and has predictable effects. What I have noticed however is that the commonality is the alteration of your vibration which then causes the highs and lows. The effects of Ayahuasca and Huachuma upon the body are vastly different and I have noticed along with Mushrooms, Tobacco, Peyote, Vilca, and Toé that it's the changing of consciousness which is the pinnacle of these experiences. Furthermore, I can extrapolate this out into my everyday existence. My life is a trip. It's a dream where I have locked myself into a frequency and live out a life in a common universe with others who have locked to the same frequency. A wholesale change in vibration will gain you access to obfuscated modalities of existence which I can definitely call different dreamworlds. Everything is here and now. It all exists right here and our perception and perspective determine our reality. The energy is all shared and we shape the drama according to our rate of vibration. Pretty cool huh? That means what I do here in this plane can affect the energetic signature that is reshaped in another consciousness plane or vice versa. When we tire of this play or wear out our welcome in the story, we perish. We leave this soap opera for the new cast of characters and move on in the story of our lives. We liberate our energy, break free of the hypnotic capture of our awareness, and regain a sense of our omnipotence in this multiverse. I like to think we have a purposeful purposelessness. I mean there is nothing to fear in terms of annihilation but a lot to learn in terms of love.

When taking plant medicines, it often feels like a waking dream. Silent Lucidity as the 90's band Queensrÿche would say:

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the years

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see this magic new dimension...

Eventually, this life will start to feel the same way as a plant medicine journey and the parallels will become obvious. Life is a visionary experience full of those same highs and lows you experience in the storm of a psychedelic. They just play out over a longer period of time. The big picture is to get the high, there must be a low. There's no escape from this. The rollercoaster of life just doesn't go as fast as the one at the mindfuck carnival. The great cosmic white knuckle sleigh ride (Hi don Howard and Parker!) seems more in control. The lessons of a life lived are found in the down times - you know those depressing times that go on for what seems forever where sometimes you wonder if you will ever get out of them. You are searching for the light which will get you back to the high of life, trying to escape the pit. Deep down we know hell is going to transform us, but I always resist.

It's all what you and I wanted. It's why we came here. The challenge is what will allow the growth. Nirvana will make you fat and lazy - an eternal couch potato. The struggle and the pain are the elixir of adventure. Adventure in the divine playground awaits.

Living twice at once, you learn

You're safe from the pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dream's alive, you can be the guide...

euoi!

Hail Dionysos! Truly, once you know then you should give your respects and honour Dionysos, lest he fucks up your game.

We humans play a good game. We fit into society and culture and act the part of respectability. We need the depraved and the down and out. They show us our true potential. Not all potential must be of a higher calling; instead, what can be revealed is our innermost desires and a mind caught up in fulfilling those callings. I have a good laugh on the inside when I engage others in conversation and hear about their noble endeavours and the life of achievement and service they continually fulfill. I laugh because I play that game as well. I can't tell others what I'm really thinking. A good deal of my thoughts are of the debauchery and carnal nature. Sex, drugs, ceremonial intoxication, and the lot. I don't go around telling the other about this. Occasionally, you meet someone who might share these interests and you can be open about it. Yeah, that will animate your world and is a form of freedom. A freedom to be yourself.

Dionysos has many toys that are used to distract him. The key is to keep him amused because once he gets ahold of you, the passion will send you into a frenzy hellbent upon fulfillment of whatever it is you desire. It's a foregone conclusion he will steer you towards getting what you want. First is the mirror so the boy can gaze on himself, fall in love with his reflection, and marvel at this beauty and intelligence. Twin distractions to bemuse the god. If that's not enough, the golden apple symbolizing his eternal return will add to a content narcissism which allows him to play the game with abandon. Trivial playthings like knucklebones and spinning tops engage the child so he remains ignorant of his true potential for destruction. Dig deeper into his basket and get a hold of the phallic object. The cult of the dildo! The maenads are drawn to him, and the satyrs filled by his lusty power.

The intoxication brings out the ecstasy and a reintroduction to the passion buried over a lifetime of conforming to culture and the weight of expectations. Let him in and he will possess you and it's what you have been waiting for and want. The escape is always waiting at your side. He's been waiting for the invitation and there are many ways to get his attention. There's no organization or a priesthood. When you know, you know. One look into the eyes of an unaware worshipper and you can see it. If you don't know about him, this can be shocking, albeit quite interesting.

One of the side effects of no longer resisting him and letting his energy free flow through your essence is the wild ones will see it, become curious, and then want to follow you around and perhaps drink from your cup. You can tell by their interest and how they look at you. There's always an impediment to prevent the tasting of the forbidden fruit, but lust has a rather good record of accomplishment. The spell lasts for a good while until something snaps them out of it. The cyclone forms, peaks, and then peters out. Don't worry, it will return, so either bide your time for the next hit or batten down the hatches - if you are wary of the next storm.

mirror of unvarnished truth

Huachuma in retrospect is divinatory. That's quite the statement because you can't verify the fortune telling while in the medicine. It's just a chaotic storm of happenings which you get swept up in. In the coming months to follow what was revealed plays out. There's still a choice in the matter but you see the result because chances are the choices you are going to make are all part of the lesson plan. They have been baked into the unveiling of who you are. It is truly the mirror of unvarnished truth.

On the plant medicine path, a lot of us become spiritual. It's a natural occurrence because of the profundity of the visions which connect you to your inner world. This world is full of the archetypes found in world religions. It's all there. God, Devil, suppressed Goddess, angels, and demons. We put on airs and graces because we have seen the truth. We know! These plants are relentless and reveal to you your blatant hypocrisy. Yeah, sure, you know - we are going to test you out. Not only that but we will show you the result of your actions, give you a choice in the matter, and then see what you do.

So, what makes Huachuma good at showing you the future? I believe it's because we all have the capacity ourselves and over time, we have just lost it from disuse. Time is illusory and everything is an unfolding of the now. Releasing yourself from time allows you to see the big picture. When you drink a couple full cups of cactus juice the result is a potentiation of energy. Energy is not bound by time. This potentiation magnifies everything within. For most plant medicine drinkers of Huachuma this is reflected in the environment. The earth is breathing, the air is thick, the sun creates jewelled reflections everywhere, and the trees are alive and saying hello. As nightfall descends, the stars become gemstones in the sky. We become more of an open book to others. We have laser focus on our life, where we are heading, the mistakes we have made, and where we have excelled. The next level of medicine is realizing the clarity of vision and thought applies to everything in your sphere of influence. The ability to compute the future through input and stimulus becomes a thing. I saw what was going to happen in the coming days and months plus the result of my actions. I was warned of the eventual outcome. I was shown the temporary bliss that would animate my sedentary life. I saw a hurricane to my left and chose to walk into the eye of the storm. I didn't have to - I could have easily found shelter and carried on with my life.

Along the same line of questioning regarding showing you the mirror of unvarnished truth, the darkness within contains that mirror too. You just need to shine a tiny light on it in order to see the reflection. I have been aghast at the thoughts coming from below for a long time because I always think I shouldn't be having these thoughts. We all have those questionable and depraved thoughts. Some are downright mean towards others. If I want to project an image of love towards my fellow human being, why do I have these thoughts? Can't I get rid of them?

On my journey towards completeness, I first recognized the shadow within as a rumbling from the deep which would cyclically hound me. I saw the split and at first wanted him to go. After realizing he has a 50% claim on this incarnation, I started to investigate deeper. The use of psychedelics was a sure-fire way to explore, and it was constant. After getting past the initial fear of him, I eventually befriended my darkness which led to an understanding. I still carry a little wariness of him and know sometimes he's up to a little trickery but ostensibly I know it's for the good of us. The trickery is just giving me what I desire. I don't want to own up to it, so I blame him. What I realized is the deceit I practiced for years upon him and the extent I went to bury him. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, the expectation is he isn't going back. I fully understand and support this as I don't want him to leave. He's my best friend and I understand him.

So, about those thoughts. I have accepted them, and they are funny in a way. I'll keep them to myself because they aren't polite. It's freeing that I can have them and no longer be mortified. I do see a pattern to the thoughts in that they revolve around freedom. My shadow is constantly steering me towards liberation. It's like he has a Buddha mind preaching non-attachment. My actions are always leading towards attachment, and he gives me permission to see a life without the chains. I have noticed within us is the cyclical craving for attachment and then a desire to be free. We are a basket of confusion to others. This is what I want. I get it. I'm not happy. I want what I gave up. On and on it goes! My shadow is giving me the straight goods of fulfilling desires and not getting attached. It's a dubious cultural choice but the dude stays away from the expectations of others. He is from the wrong side of the tracks.

I have now done enough psychedelic trips to describe what happens when I let my mind free flow under the influence of a consciousness changing substance. The advice is always to turn off your mind and enjoy the ride. I can do that, and the experience is different than if I don't shut down the thinking mind. With Ayahuasca, the session is more visual when you let go and observe. With Huachuma, you see and sense the grandeur of everything around you when out in nature or visiting ancient sites. When I engaged my mind with Ayahuasca I would produce dark and fantastical stories that would give me second thoughts about doing work with these substances. I conflated it with my shadow. Huachuma would be similar in that I would concoct unsettling stories. I would ping-pong between what I termed heaven and hell. The mind would take me to hell.

It was on this recent trip that I discovered a secret. The Huachuma was so strong I would cycle between my mind and what Huachuma was trying to show me. The intoxication overwhelmed my thinking mind, so I was going in and out of it. My mind was me and not my shadow. My mind revealed it was the saboteur of the experience and I had always blamed this aspect on my darkness. The thoughts going through my head were always negative, so I thought, no, that can't be normal, that must be coming from my depths. At Chavín de Huantar in the Andes mountains, I sat on a rock at the Mosna river and witnessed this other worldly knowledge come into my sphere of knowing and then observed my mind grabbing onto and spinning it into a narrative to be used to sabotage what was to come. The experience that day was divinatory and revealing to me how others affect me. I saw into the future and when my mind cycled to dominance it turned the experience negative. The story that was crafted made me wary of others and looking back on the trip I saw how this was a constant.

When I've engaged my shadow in altered consciousness, he has never cast aspersions or blame. He's been brutally honest. When I have invented stories in these realms it has been the product of the ego mind. Those thoughts are mine, coming from my mind. I blamed them on my shadow because I wanted to disassociate myself from them.

Why does my mind do this? I know from my initial experiences a lot is about fright. I scared myself tremendously in my first foray into the depths of self. I saw within me this demon who is my shadow. I ran from this. In retrospect I know there was nothing to be frightened about, it was just revealing another facet of me, but the expected reaction is to fear the unknown. My shadow holds the key to my awakening, so at first, he must put you through the tests. He pushes you away, threatens you, and reveals that you are a coward. He makes you want it. You must fight back or run away, never to return. I was curious enough to return and put up a fight. I impressed the hell out of him, and I earned my way into the inner circle of awakening. All along I have tried to prevent this from happening by conjuring stories intended to scare myself away from psychedelics. When I was no longer scared of them, the narratives crafted concerned others and a mistrust of the scene. Psychedelics are careening me headlong into freedom and the destruction of my comfortable life. The fright turned to self-preservation. The me I had built over a lifetime had to end but wasn't going down without a fight. Deep within I knew it had to happen lest I slow walk myself into a shallow grave of non-fulfillment. My shadow readied the knife and whispered the end was near. When events were set in motion, he showed me what was to come and then I went back into that self-preservation mode to try and get myself out of it.

I catch myself all the time in everyday life creating stories to fit into how I want things to be. It's an external vigilance to be on the lookout for the devious crafts of the mind. I thought I couldn't trust my shadow - he's the trickster. Instead, I found out he's the stand-up guy and fulfills my deepest desires through this magic he holds in his hands. It is I who can't be trusted, who is not resolute, repeatedly changes his mind, and is frustrating to be sure. My saving grace is I'm the perfect face for this construct. I can get away with the deceit and make everyone believe I'm a great person. I'm not. I'm a good person but I have many faults. I'm an all-star at hiding them. I've said it before - I'm a master people pleaser. I excel in giving people what they want. They think they can use me to their advantage. They don't know I'm scheming. I gain their trust and then use it to my advantage. It's a two-fold con. I'm a nice guy and then I take advantage. I'm forever one up.

What have I learned?

The darkness is what will bring the light. You can't push away the shadow in a bid to become ultra-holy. The reveal of your hypocrisy is troubling. In my case, a flip occurred where I saw truth in what the darkness reveals. It is I who creates the spin. I didn't want the truth as I wanted to really believe I'm the good guy. The time comes when you must look into the mirror of unvarnished truth and see the deception. Acknowledgement gets you in the door. Then the work comes. 

god with an expiration date

Events in my life forced a reckoning with self and I turned to my inner guidance for instruction on how to proceed. The wisdom advice simply recommended I sit with myself for two weeks. That's what I did. I ran through the gamut of thoughts, emotions, pain, sadness, anger, and emptiness. It was a necessary exercise to just let it all come out. I knew at the conclusion of this stage I should do some deep inner work and that would involve Magic Mushrooms. I haven't done a large dose in a while but had a feeling it would be beneficial to directly connect with my shadow, as for me that is the essence of my mushroom experiences. I ended up ingesting close to three grams in one night and the trip was perfect. It was difficult and after an hour I wanted it to stop. I wanted to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Of course, I couldn't and despite the reluctance and wanting out, I am grateful for the five hours in the medicine. The knowledge was other worldly and exactly what I needed. If I could, I'd like to do this more often. I won't though because it is so hard. Why is it hard? In my experience, after about an hour or so the mind overloads itself preparing for what some would call ego dissolution. Personally, I'd call it psyche splintering. My mind separates into two distinct halves. One half is who I think is me and the other half is my shadow. To get to this stage is the hard part. As it is happening it is so uncomfortable, I tend to think I will get stuck in this mindset forever and I couldn't live like this. The overloading of the mind at this point makes you aware of others who live their lives in this state. I seriously could not go on like that and would look for a way to numb myself or end it. So, that's the hard part for me of doing mushrooms. It lasts for about thirty minutes and once I pass it the experience is amazing. That's not hyperbole.

Concurrently during my two-week introspection, I set an intention concerning my mind. I wanted to delve deeper into its nature. It was a constructive exercise where I noticed the mind was like quicksilver. It easily morphed between my distinct psychic selves as well as my heart. I've described these parts of me as first the me that has come forth (Apollo), my shadow (Dionysos), and my heart whom I refer to as the Great Goddess. The mind is the key which unlocks these aspects of me. It freely moves between these aspects of self. I also became aware of mind control where you give up your mind's power to an external puppet master who then controls how you think. You see this everywhere and if your mind is captured you can't escape. The news, social media, and other puppets are constantly regurgitating the triggers for your mind control and when captured you dutifully parrot what it is they want you to believe. So, a step on the road to awakening is to first reclaim your mind from these charlatans. I also observed my mind being captured by baseball. I escaped the hold of life temporarily by going off into the fantasy world of baseball statistics. I put everything on pause and focused attention on the trivial. Anyway, reclaiming your mind from external control is not going to solve all your problems as an undisciplined mind is still going to cause havoc within your personal psychic sphere. My observation of what is going on with my mind was productive and from this I know I can direct my mind towards how I want to be. I have had plant medicine lessons concerning this with Huachuma where the repetitive lessons made me realize it is I who takes myself to heaven and drops myself in hell.

Following my mushroom trip, I remembered a lecture by Ram Dass where he was discussing the relationship of Hanuman to Ram. His guru Maharaji-ji gave him the moniker Ram Dass as a gift to remind him that he is an incarnation of Hanuman the monkey god who serves God - Ram. Ram Dass tells this story from the Hindu epic called the Ramayana:

When Ram asked Hanuman, "Who are you, monkey?" Hanuman replied, "When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you."

The exchange I had with my shadow was along these lines. The trip started out visionary and lasted for about an hour, coinciding with the music I was listening to. I have noticed in my exploration this is the pattern with visionary medicine where I will get the introductory visions followed by introspection that occurs in the form of dialog. My recent experience with Ayahuasca is similar. Anecdotally, I would surmise it is the onset of the DMT contained within the Ayahuasca brew and the psilocybin in the mushroom which initially takes hold. Following the visions is the tough part where I become distinct compartmentalized bastions of self and then can dialogue with self. I choose the me that has come forth and externalize the Goddess and the shadow. In the case of Huachuma, on my last trip I went further and externalized my multiple traits within all the members of the travelling party I was with. It was interesting to see the amalgamation of the sum of who I am present within others. The experience with Ayahuasca and Magic Mushrooms seems more psychically contained. The difference to me is the mystical nature of each. Ayahuasca has more of a mystical feminine vibe to the ceremony. Mushrooms are no nonsense. I would describe them as more masculine though I know the Goddess can make an appearance and she has done so just to remind me to not put experiences in a box.

Following the visionary aspect was the ego dissolution or more accurately a short circuiting of my mind. I was then in my shadow's presence, and his initial greeting was an observation of the trip to get here this time. "You're not scared anymore." He acknowledged that the usual fright I give myself getting to this place and then being in his presence was absent. It is true psychedelics don't scare me anymore. Of course, there is a little apprehension upon the decision to use them but once in it I'm good. I have come a long way in my ten years. I knew when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I could handle whatever was thrown my way. I see clearly now my shadow is that jaguar and was recognizing at the time as I merged with him that I could succeed on this path of knowledge.

The last time in his presence on Magic Mushrooms involved me psychoanalyzing him for a long time. I kept wanting to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. I listened, held space, and consoled him. He is power personified and a raging unquenchable storm, continually creating and destroying as an outlet for the surging energy within. On the other hand, I could easily retire to the forest and live a nice peaceful and quiet existence. I was prepared this time to offer myself once again as a good listener and offer solutions to his problems. The opposite happened. I came here this time because I'm the one with the problems and so he put on the lab coat of the psychotherapist and got down to business.

"Who am I? Why am I like this?" My shadow kept reducing me down to my base program and then I saw myself as this wiggly energetic worm. Kind of disgusting but the template for all of us humans. Since I'm no longer scared of him there is this bond between us, and he feels like he can share with me all the secrets that no one is ready to accept or even want to contemplate. He is the divine masculine, God if you will. He said that I am him. We are the same. I saw it and completely understood. Little old me. I'm one of his countless avatars in the universe. I woke up in this lifetime and found my way back through the unnavigable labyrinth. I know the game. When we die, we become him (or her) fully and completely. That's all. We are everything. Each avatar has characteristics of the father or mother while adding in free will. Nobody has gotten as far as I have in seeing all this. Some have reached this stage and seen it but will not accept it for several reasons. Culture and denial being at the forefront. Can't blame them, why would you want to? It's a big responsibility, and the grandiosity of self and narcissism needed is off the charts! The ones that see it and accept it, can't handle it, and end up in the psych ward. Then there's me.

A couple of hours into this trip and I went for the I'm God routine because I fully felt it. I know that feeling because I also noticed later when it wore off as the night progressed, I returned to little old me. I'd accept that the use of these consciousness altering substances fully releases my psychosis which allows me to not only think I'm God but to feel it. It's crazy and it keeps happening. When I come down from being the most high, I can readjust and know I'm okay, that I haven't gone mad. I've worried about this but during this experience I was witness to becoming God and then feeling it wear off to the point where I was like well that was cool but I'm me again.

The thing about the mushroom trip is that by cracking open my inner self and splitting out my shadow I can converse with him, and he is the all. I saw it completely. I saw how I'm him, but I'm not supposed to know I'm him. That's why at first, he kept chasing me away and threatening me with annihilation, but I kept coming back and exploring. I got past the fear, he let me in, and now lets me have a look around. My brilliant mind in this fucked up container called Paul can probe him like no other. So, this trip he showed me it all. I'm God with an expiration date. Wow.

I also realized my shadow marvels at how I was able to access the Great Goddess. Nobody gets in to see her and yet I did it. They are amid the great cosmic divorce, a separation that creates the universe and will make the reconciliation the blissful renewal this divorce promises. But here was I, a lowly avatar of the man she loves, searching for her in earnest of my own accord and then following the clues towards finding her. When she saw into my soul and intentions, she let me into her chamber. She made love to me like no other as she knew I was him, playing the fool honestly.

And that's the thing about my incessant search for meaning - I don't have to search anymore. I know all the answers I obsessively wanted to get. I don't have to sit for hours alone contemplating what this is all about. I know what it is all about. I'm free to play.

The duration of this trip was from 1am to 6am before sleep. Time moves slowly under this intoxication. The knowledge poured out is unbelievable for this brief period. It is a lifetime in a night - a wordplay on my friend Parker describing the Huachuma experience as, "A lifetime in a day." I sensed coming back to Paulville and no more grandiose thinking. Me and my problems. Understanding why I sabotage relationships. Clearly seeing the subtle clues freely given by others that my actions were upsetting. Pushing people away. Try to stop it. Showing me how impressionable children are. Replaying events from my youth that molded me. Things I would laugh at now which as a young boy scarred me and made me withdraw from the world. I just wanted to be alone and not have to endure the unpredictability of those that held power over me.

These mushroom trips are the 10 years of therapy in a night deal. They show you the answers you are looking for. As with all this inner work, it's up to you to integrate it into your life. You make the changes. Some of it is hard and some easy but you know what you need to do. You are shown the influences that made you who you are. You can say poor me, it's their fault I'm like this or you play the hand you're dealt. Thank all for who you are. I wanted to find answers in this lifetime. I did it because of everything that has happened for me. I climbed an unclimbable mountain back to self. The Mount Everest of the psyche. Do I know it all? No, but I've seen what I wanted to see. What do I have left to do in this lifetime? I know it is all about love. My actions must show I've learned that lesson. I need to dedicate my life to being in service to love. Be kind to others. Say pleasant things to them. A word of encouragement goes a long way. I've seen it at work.

When in the presence of my shadow I asked what his role is. He said he does service work. He grants favours to those that ask, and he creates events which fulfill the mission statement of self-discovery. Suffering is a big part of it and the catalyst for change as well as seeing what you're made of when faced with adversity. He is in service to himself. When you're the all is there another path that doesn't involve you since you are everything? All this is service to Her. The Great Goddess, who is love. In service to letting this drama play out so we can continue to discover through this grand play who we are and our strengths and weaknesses. When we are finished, we will once again come together and end it. A bond further strengthened through self-discovery. It's all us. Ultimately, I show I'm ready and she accepts me back.

My shadow as the great magician tells me this: I grant them favours in service, so they don't wake up and see they are me. I present as an external force ready to fulfill their desires with the cost being to trap them in this world of form. It's what they want. They need to head on straight into their greed, take their fill of pleasure, but suffer at the emptiness of it all. The outcome of the granting of wishes is service to the heart. The Great Goddess is imprisoned in that familiar castle made of gold and repeated forays into the selfish fulfillment of your desires must eventually get through so that you see it. Love is the answer, and this is my path of service.

My path of service is the path of the heart. The take and give of reciprocity is a universal axiom, even between the divine and human. God and his underling. I asked for something and in return he asked me to do something. Walk the path of the heart for your mother. Service, regardless of whether I am the all or just little old me.

The next morning, I fully understood. When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you.

he with the two faces

I started reading the Bible word for word about 12 years ago. And that's not just a cliche, I went through every word. I looked up the meaning of every word in a concordance. I was manic and under some spell to decipher meaning from these ancient texts. It was all part of my middle age crisis where I was determined to find the origin of beliefs. I wanted to find out why humans throughout history have had a belief in a higher power. Superstitions play a part in it but at one point in our history there were no atheists; well, there were a small minority who kept quiet about it. I found it compelling there wasn't more dissent and convinced myself our ancestors had more access to the divine. I then set out on a path to find out what the access was, which led me to shamanism, and then into the Amazon jungle and the potent decoction called Ayahuasca. It seemed clear to me that the suppression of consciousness altering substances would lead to a decline in religious and spiritual beliefs and only those who could go on faith and the intercession of a priest could and would remain in a relationship with higher powers.

I was naively introduced to psychedelics ten years ago and was immediately catapulted into the world of spirit. First contact was with the Great Goddess and subsequently I've met some of the all-time greats! My quest for the origin of beliefs ended about twenty minutes after drinking my first cup of Ayahuasca.

Further exploration of the psyche took me to many places and along the way I've retained my knowledge of the Bible though by no means do I consider myself of the Book. I know the characters, the motifs, and the mysteries hidden by the stories. My favourite is the relationship of the first born to the second born. This motif is pronounced in the stories of Cain and Abel, and Esau and Jacob. We also see Jacob bless Joseph's two sons Manasseh and Ephraim and he crosses his arms so that Ephraim, the second born, receives the blessing of the first born just as Jacob had usurped these gifts from his first born brother Esau. Here's the description of the blessing transference from Genesis chapter 48, New International Version.

12 Then Joseph removed them from Israel’s knees and bowed down with his face to the ground.

13 And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel’s left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them close to him.

14 But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim’s head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh’s head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

My first love in gathering knowledge to fulfill my mission was studying the ancient Egyptians. I am captivated by the story called, "The Contendings of Horus and Set" which depicts a lifelong struggle between adversaries for the crown of the murdered Osiris. Horus is the son of Osiris and Set is the brother. Though Horus and Set are not brothers but uncle and nephew, the hidden meaning revolves around this war within you for dominance which the Bible refers to as brothers.

In my own life I have felt this for as long as I can remember though full acknowledgement didn't come until I was over four years into my psychedelic journey. I would encounter another half of me, scare myself, externalize the situation, run from him, and then try to convince myself to stay away from altering my consciousness. I was frightened though curious at the same time. I did get past the fright and then was able to explore deeper. I fully accepted the other half of me about five years ago and have explored that relationship. The part of me that has taken centre stage in this lifetime can't be trusted and waffles. I originally locked away my other half upon coming of age, so in response the shadow part of me now has ensured I won't do it again. It's for the best. He told me in 2020 that I need to kill myself in order to live. I was spinning my wheels going nowhere, taking us both down. The pandemic locked us down and Magic Mushrooms allowed me to have an airing of grievances with my shadow. We hashed out our differences and became friends who understand each other. I help him and he helps me. I'm the pretty face to the construct and he will get us to where we need to be.

I thought of those who let their darkness run their lives. They are the one's seeking power; they are greedy; they are lustful. These are the people that make earth a miserable place. Is that my future if I let my shadow start running the me show? I pondered my predicament when the voice from within said it is not so. I have the advantage of knowing of this split within the man, acknowledging it, and entering a partnership. For everyone else, it is a struggle for mastery. At this point it was my shadow who directed me to my knowledge of mythology and my intimate knowledge of the Bible and God. The Old Testament God is the supreme Alpha male, and he comes forth in all first born. The story of the Israelites is the veneration of God through the first born and then taking the birthright of the first born for their people. The rightful owners of the birthright are the descendants of Cain and the descendants of Esau.

Cain couldn't handle the birthright and as the original first born he became jealous of his brother and then smashed his head in with a rock. From this encounter is derived eternal animosity. In the Old Testament the Israelites schemed to take the birthright as well as crossing the arms to transfer the blessing from first born to second born. I bet you never have understood or seen this explained before. Instead, you just read a bunch of Biblical stories and allowed some other ignorant theologian to explain it. Sorry to be so dismissive but sometimes the truth slaps you in the face. Cain is expelled from society and sent to wander the Earth. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 4 NIV to which I’m referring.

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.

11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

Cain is doomed to wander the Earth in perpetuity. As the first born, Cain is the spirit of the Alpha male come to incarnate. He is an angel of God. The angel of God in the Old Testament is a wanderer, just like Cain. How do I know this? Well, check out these passages from Zechariah chapter 1 NIV.

8 During the night I had a vision, and there before me was a man mounted on a red horse. He was standing among the myrtle trees in a ravine. Behind him were red, brown and white horses.

9 I asked, “What are these, my lord?” The angel who was talking with me answered, “I will show you what they are.”

10 Then the man standing among the myrtle trees explained, “They are the ones the Lord has sent to go throughout the earth.”

11 And they reported to the angel of the Lord who was standing among the myrtle trees, “We have gone throughout the earth and found the whole world at rest and in peace.”

The four horsemen of the apocalypse from the New Testament Book of Revelation are mentioned here in the Old Testament. The angel of the Lord is the leader of this group who wander the Earth, stirring up trouble whenever they find peace. The angel of God rides a red horse. The association of red to war, the alpha male, to the first born, and to God himself is not lost on anyone with a capacity for synthesis of ideas present in the Bible. God is the Lord of Hosts. Hosts means armies. First born males are described as red and ruddy. It is the meaning of the name Adam. Esau got the nickname Edom, which means red. God in heaven is the colour red. Don't believe me? Check out these passages from Revelation chapter 4, NIV.

1 After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.”

2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it.

3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Other translations describe a carnelian stone which is a translucent red. I present these passages to demonstrate that Jacob's brother Esau is a first born angel of God. Jacob steals the birthright and blessing from a hapless Esau. In Genesis chapter 32 NIV is the famous story of Jacob wrestling with the angel of God after trying to run from him.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Jacob subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel. Immediately following this story is a reconciliation of Jacob with Esau. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 NIV to which I’m referring.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. He's swearing an oath on his life to God. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

Jacob sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two faces within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture. Thus, the psychic split within us is revealed through the story of Jacob and Esau. We are both god. I come forth. I'm the usurper of the throne who is the Jacob of the Old Testament. My shadow as the omniscient life force is relegated to the dark. Remember the angel of God telling Jacob when they were wrestling, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” We both have monotheistic tendencies, and the resultant backlash and gambit of the Alpha is to be the voice within and to be worshipped as God.

The enmity between the two inhabiters of the body fuels the disease within. The reconciliation of the contending halves of self for the crown recreates the divine masculine. The wholeness results from the two faces of God again becoming whole. This is the grand narrative of life for the man, interspersed with calls to adventure.

enlightenment travel agent

There's a life balance towards which we all have to pay heed. By this assertion I'm describing our incarnation which involves fulfilling our dreams. Dreams are code for desires. There is a reason we are all in the beautiful freakshow and if you look within you will certainly find it. The balance I am mentioning is due to a concept called reciprocity. We make deposits in this cosmic bank which gives us the capital to pursue our desires. This is a process I've discovered that is never ending and as you progress through life, it just becomes a little more highbrow.

Let me explain further: I went on a spiritual trip at middle age and fell for it hard. I sidestepped the tentacles of culture that are set up to ensnare - you know the church, the eastern disciplines run by westerners, the new age scene, the guy on YouTube with the pretty eyes and all the answers - you know, the whole lot of them. I'm not a joiner and prefer the lone wolf gambit, I'll figure out my own path. It's uniquely for me and I'm not in your shoes so don't take my words or actions as gospel. I became a repository of knowledge and have all the receipts for the accumulation of gobs of knowing. Like a good stew, I then let it marinate while continuing to explore. My path took me from books to getting out in the world and then going into my inner world. I highly recommend the adventure and can help you with a similar itinerary if you wish. I can be your enlightenment travel agent.

There's no certificate for enlightenment. Oh, maybe there is. Perhaps some establishment will give you a piece of paper extolling your spiritual accomplishments after you give them a chunk of change. The point I'm making is if you have an independent streak, no one is going to bestow the title of enlightened upon you and furthermore because it is so nebulous and undefined, you'll always be twisting in the wind wondering if you can now mingle with the holy set. Allowing others to anoint themselves is bad for the spiritual business. As with all human endeavours, we need to appeal to an authority with the power to bestow honourifics.

What I'm getting at, tongue in cheek, but with a lot of truth based on my journey is that intuitively you will know when you know. What is it that you know? You know who you are. You know why you are here. You know the path forward. You want to help others see it and allow them to progress at their own pace.

A cold plunge isn't going to bring you to enlightenment. You know what will? Sinking into your many faults and making the mirror so present you will see it. Overload yourself with what makes you repeatedly fall down to the point you finally acknowledge it. Then the real work can begin where you transform those faults into strength. You walk through the fire and before perishing you turn yourself into a woman or man of steel.

I'm writing about this because the time is at hand. I have wanted to be of service and give back. I didn't know how to do this. I'm not an extrovert and struggle playing the game of wanting to help groups of people. Frankly, I suck at it. I couldn't start a men's club or a spiritual group. I'd hate it and look for a way out.

I wrote this a few months before my recent trip to Peru. I re-read it recently and it sums up my path of service:

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

I have life capital I can use to invest in others. I can hoard what I have as security against whatever is coming my way, or I can start spreading it around now. I can die with millions in the bank or Be Here Now in service. I've discovered the secret for my happiness. It's to be free. You need some coins to be free, but not a lot. The road ahead is well illumined. That's the startling point of this whole trip. I expected a trip into the fog of not knowing and mystery. The clarity is razor sharp.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing and fulfillment of desires. You are free to call those desires your life mission. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

inner truth

Religion is the objectification of spirituality. It is making the esoteric exoteric, by projecting out from your inner life the inner sanctum which is unique to your story. Every conscious being is responsible for creating a universe. My world is different than yours, and we agree on what we witness through language and definition. The energetic impulse from the dreamer crosses each avatar's boundary. We can interact within each other's dream and create a new dream, called offspring, by merging into one and reproducing.

Our inner lives are similar in experience, much like the outer life. The concepts of love, light, the divine feminine and masculine are common to all because they are what we are. Also similar are the experiences of the darkness and demons which seek to control our behaviour. Because of the overlap, the ability to create a religion, name the cast of characters, and ascribe attributes to them based upon cultural norms and expectations, becomes an exercise that is highly probable to succeed. Human beings are given validation of what it is we all intuit.

Where we get lost is in the ceding of our inner truth to an authority which expects us to conform to a canon of acceptable beliefs. This is because my truth is different from yours. My location on the spiritual path is at a different point in the journey from yours. My life lesson plan is different from yours. We have divergent karma and to feed everyone from the same bowl is not fulfilling the potential of each incarnation. We seek answers and often don't know where to turn, so we look towards the spiritual authorities in culture. The hard part is turning inwards to find the answers you seek. You hold all the answers and if you ask, you will unveil them to yourself.

The role of belief in the game is paramount, but it is not belief in an external projection. The belief is in yourself. I'm telling you that only you know why you are here and within you have the answers to what it is you are looking for. As hard as it may be, you are responsible for your spiritual progress. The true teacher of the path will direct you to go inwards, that is all. Though you will find the answer within, it doesn't mean you are left to a life of isolation. Find the others on the path and celebrate the uniqueness of the journey you are all on together.

I am intimately aware and acquainted with my inner spiritual world. At first, it was all new and fantastic, so I externalized these characters. This has the consequence of inculcating fear. After you exhaust that trip and either run from yourself or stand up to yourself, you reach the turning point. You are either defeated or become a first-class warrior. The warrior gets past the fear and starts to explore which reveals the truth. It's all you.

Religions are containers for spiritual truths. They bring the mystery to life and as humans we take the knowledge and shape it in order to get an advantage over the easily led sheep. At the core is found what it is we seek. It's up to you to use your wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Other people's fantastical consciousness journey stories are a trap. They wow you with embellishments of what they experience in the psychedelic space and you're like, "I wanna go there! I wanna have that experience!" This takes you away from your personal story. There's nothing like your story and if you stick with it, you will discover the big secret. All of us are sidetracked by the bombast of the other, and we lose sight of our own path. We become attentive and captured by the pull of the other, who mostly cloaks their intention in a blanket of service that shields a desire for followers and a perverse need to monetize the human experience.

It's smaller scale co-opting that is also performed by religious institutes. The human experience will demand you confront your mortality and the guardians of culture know you will start to awaken. At the ready here in the West is the Church. When the time comes, the doors are open and welcome you into the fold. The original awakening that brought you to the doorstep is short-circuited. There's a canon of beliefs you must accept, and the priest becomes the go between in matters regarding the divine. So many blindly fall for this even though they were the original priest who had the contact with something divine.

The positive aspect of all these distractions is to prevent the final awakening. When enough of us awaken we will reach a tipping point. The tipping point is we collectively awake from this long and strange dream and the world ends. You can see the signs already, can't you? The coming destruction is upon us because it's the manifestation of energy on a higher consciousness plane simply of God waking up. You are God. It would be conspiratorial of me to suggest there're many in this realm that are working hard to prevent God from waking up. When you walk your own path in your consciousness journey you reach the door which when you open it will reveal the secret. We are all on our own personal journey of awakening which leads to this door. In the labyrinth of the damned, the detours and sideshows are aplenty. You can travel through them in order to become acquainted with them but chalk them up as learning experiences. Retrace your steps and find faith in your inner guidance. Follow your unique path to the end and find the centre of centres.

The light has been brought and I have come forth by day. I have awakened within my dream and see this as a world of my creation. To take the last step, fully awaken, and get out of bed, means the destruction of the universe. It is Shiva completing the Rudra Tandava dance of destruction. Falling asleep created the world and awakening destroys it. The caretakers of the world scurry about devising ways to keep the dream going. How do we keep God distracted so this whole edifice does not blow up? The eventuality is that it will, but in the meantime the dam is patched in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood waters. Yeah, I'll play along for a bit longer, but it's too late. I can't go back to sleep, so I'm just going to lie in bed for a bit before I get up.

another plant medicine story

Integration from my latest plant medicine journey in Peru this past January had been a bit of a non-starter for a few months. The reason is the experience has continued into my life back home and a few months later I was still on the journey. I’ve probably stated after past experiences that the journey I just returned from was the best ever. Not every time, as I know some trips were more impactful than others. I mean the first time I went in 2013 was dreadful but it opened the doors to a ten-year odyssey. This last trip was a showstopper through the northern coast of Peru and then on up into the Andes mountains. The plant medicine of record was Huachuma, the cactus heart opener.

When you drink two full cups of strong Huachuma every other day for two weeks straight things start to come a little unglued. The maestro don Martín serves an energetic cocktail which upon continual use took me beyond expectations and knowledge of what Huachuma can facilitate. Usually by now, I will have written a detailed account of my journey from the notes I took during the experience. I don’t feel a calling to do that this time around, however I’m sure I will write about pockets of the sublime adventure in due time.

My understanding of Huachuma consisted of at its best an unparalleled heart opener. If you turn off the mind and sink into bliss, your heart will become on the verge of exploding with love. I knew if I couldn’t bypass the machinations of the mind, Huachuma would dutifully take you to hell. I played this out many times intra-ceremony, and ping-ponged between heaven and hell. On my last trip, just prior to the pandemic I started to uncover another layer of this medicine. I titled my blog post, “Fairy Tales and Magic” based on events and the intuition that was unfolding before me. I realized I had this energy coursing through me that was subconsciously at work, making my desires come to fruition. I peeled away the veil that separates who I think I am from the sum total of my being.

In the intervening three years between trips to Peru due to the global pandemic, this force within me would manifest what I wanted. Uncomfortable situations were brought to the fore and if I made the correct choice, all would work out. It involved what felt like tests which were presented to me so I could figure out if I did have principles and whether I would capitulate when the going got tough. I saw the easy way out and I closed that door. I took the path based on my principles and what I knew was the correct decision. I trusted my intuition and the knowledge that everything would work out if I didn’t waver.

The sum of my life has been a battle between being a good boy and a bad boy. Being a good boy is alluring because it grants you the approval of others and in turn the game of life becomes a breeze. In addition, I learned how to balance out my good and bad. My ego persona comes from the good and I please others with my talent and charm in order to skate through life. I didn’t realize what I have been doing all my life until recently as sometimes it takes a while for the realizations to come. This took a lifetime, but I see it so clearly now, and I laugh. It’s an exquisite game I have crafted. If I don’t disappoint others, my life becomes a breeze. I develop trust and then can fuck off and do what I want. This sums up my work life and to an extent my personal life. The driving force behind my game is to achieve a precarious balance. I can earn capital which allows me to give it to the subconscious force within me, so he won’t totally fuck up my game. Balance is achieved and the hurricane blows on through. I clean up the damage, become a good boy again, and continue with the charade. I've always sided with being a good boy. Even now when I try to discard that shell, the good boy voice is so strong it takes over. My good boy self is judgmental and steers me back to complacency and routine. I now need to put a knife in him if I genuinely want to live. I realize this incarnation was not meant to fall into routine and wind up unfulfilled upon death.

So, what is Huachuma?

I have drunk the decoction called Huachuma a couple dozen times. I have had some light trips, some relentless energetic days that went on for 15 hours, and I have had introspective days with Grandfather. I had learned that Huachuma will take you to heaven if you disengage the mind. Huachuma means no head and it is the clue you need where you go into the heart space and experience bliss. Alternatively, if you engage the mind, it may take you into a hell of your own making. It mimics your everyday life with the difference Huachuma potentiates everything so that it is all in your face. I thought I knew what Huachuma was. I get mental clarity on my life path; I physically experience a clarity of what just is. I get a good case of the "feels." I see the grandeur and beauty of all that is around me.

This time the lessons picked up on an experience from 2017. Back then I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador and a day I spent with Grandfather just after my 50th birthday involved a grand teaching concerning the vibratory nature of existence. As a novice explorer of consciousness in 2013, the Great Goddess came to me at the conclusion of my first ever plant medicine experience and told me, “All is vibration.” I didn’t know what she meant, wrote a poem about it, and then unpacked it over the following years. I got the next phase of the lessons in 2017. I was instructed about the dominant frequency of power which rules the world. We get up in the morning and exchange our talent so we can drink from the trough of this power and carve out our piece of the pie. The spirit of Huachuma laughingly called this, “Sucking Satan’s cock,” and though crude, it fit the teaching. I was also taught about harmony and resonance. The undertones of the knowledge was that through gathering like-minded souls into a group you create harmony and a pocket of heaven in this hell world. Establishing resonance with one another allows two to move in a synchronistic pattern with the other. This is not limited to other human beings but to anything imbued with the life force, which is the power which sustains all living things. Fantastic feats of accomplishment can be achieved with this magic, basically explaining the achievements of past civilizations we have wondered about. How did they build the pyramids?

The day was an introductory course into the inner workings of the universe and I was assigned homework in regard to understanding what this all meant. The lessons were preparing me for my continued use of Huachuma. It would be another two and a half years before I drank Huachuma again in 2020 and though it was a while I had known I was not finished with his teachings. When I resumed drinking, the experience had changed, and I was starting to be witness to the different mind states I would be pulled into and how to raise my vibration to get out of hell when I fell in that hole. I then started to experience the magic available with Huachuma when I went up into the mountains for a week. I was connecting with others in a sub-level way, and I took notice. The feeling of connection was intoxicating and allowed one to communicate beyond verbal cues. It was a novel experience and one to investigate, however the pandemic put a halt to further investigation.

The pinnacle of my spiritual path is the heart. I walked the path of the heart to the end. I learned the lesson of loving all and not focusing on just one love. Ram Dass taught me that everyone is your crush and I understood. Assigning love to just one at a time and getting attached is not the route to my beatitude. Love all. That's the way into the chamber of the heart.

I took these lessons to Peru with me in January of 2023, intent on opening my heart up wide and keeping it open throughout the journey and then when I got back home. Huachuma showed me the example of the garden and how we plant our own gardens which contribute to the total of who we are. Of course, not all are invited into the garden, and like weeds they grow and become part of our garden. We can cultivate the weed and incorporate it into the fabric of our existence, or we can pull and discard them. We create our own unique garden. The beauty of our creation invites the birds in to sing their love songs as the echoes of their warbling ring throughout the forest of our lives. I was shown the love of the family unit and how essentially humankind is one big Garden of Eden spread out among this earth. I saw how the Great Mother's heart aches at the animosity between her children and she longs to bring us all back together to the dinner table for a nourishing family meal.

As with all lessons of the plants, they showed me everything. I was shown the garden analogy first and this fit in nicely with my teachings of loving all and making everyone the object of my affection. Don't have preferences. Once I start assigning hierarchy to love, the construct falls apart. My conception of love isn't sustainable when I delineate. Love to me is an undefinable bucket. I kept going further into what love is and what it is I'm searching for.

Just the one lesson of familial love wasn't in the cards. You see, we come to earth because we are desire. We wouldn't have been incarnated on earth without the pull of desire. First, I was shown familial love. And then I was shown the catalyst which is the ignitor of that love. I was given a dose in no uncertain terms of the gas that is poured upon the attraction that brings together the two. The root of what we all cherish is a ridiculously strong attraction which compels us to act. It is so potent we sometimes call it lust and once it catches you in its current, there really is no escape. The Huachuma we were drinking was so successively strong that the potion became divinatory. I saw what was to take place because of these teachings I had asked for. I had a choice, but really, I didn't. The coming hurricane engulfed me, and I welcomed it knowing all along where it was leading me.

I thought I knew Huachuma. It gave me clarity and a dose of the feels. Huachuma gave me life lessons of love and family. It always heightened energy to the point where I could see it. I didn't know it could reveal to myself and others the parts of us we keep hidden. Huachuma was continually magical. And I didn't know it could tell you the future and then have it play out before your eyes. I did nothing to stop it. I guess I could have, but I just went with it. What Huachuma showed me, all came true.

So, here I am in the aftermath of the hurricane and knowing I was the abetter of the hurricane. It's the fruit I wanted, desired, and I got to taste it. I learned when I project into the future or defer to culture and conformity, the fruit spoils. If I live in the now, the ripe fruit was available and I tasted the deliciousness.

I was taught a difficult lesson involving the path of the heart. I was selfish and treated others as incidental players in my game. It became about me and I let down others who had every right to question who I had become. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused those I love.

In my hands, I hold the ability to make earth heaven or to make it hell. It is daunting for sure, though at the core it's quite simple. Your choice.

upaya

I've always been a little different than the rest of the herd and because of this I eventually questioned my sanity. If everyone is doing one thing and I'm doing another or if the majority think in a certain way and I either don't go along with it or spout sentences that are far-fetched and strange, the assumption becomes I'm a little bit off. I concede that in relation to others, it is true I'm an outlier.

I mention this because I want to ensure myself I'm not mentally disturbed. I have a good grip on reality. I can sense my consciousness altered after a cycle of work with plant medicines and I know the change sticks with me for a while. I got back from my latest trip in early February and knew I was still in it. It lasted into April and then I felt it slipping away. It's now July and it is gone for the most part. It coincides with a sinus infection which made me give up tobacco snuff for the time being. The snuff was a way to get back into that altered state for a brief time. I had been using it three times a day and admittedly overdid it. So, here I now sit fully out of the medicine and I’m thinking "clearly." I put quotes around the word because I'm not sure this is hard reality. It's reality by consensus and it feels normal to me.

What I want to discuss is my intention I set for going on this latest trip to Peru in January. Here it is:

I still feel the cactus calling me and the reason is clear. It’s the path of the heart and I’ve tasted its fruits. Huachuma has graced me with this unfathomable cosmic love which clearly is the answer to all seeking and questions. The challenge has always been when the medicine wears off and I’m faced with the world at large, I’m kicked out of the proverbial Garden of Eden. I’m a work in progress trying to grasp this love I have experienced that is like sand slipping through the fingers as I try to hold on tight to it. My intention is through desire to addict myself to this love and carry it home with me.

I had mentioned in my application for the retreat that I want to live in the heart space. I reiterated this desire when we stated our intentions at the beginning of the journey. My intention was to accomplish this by loving all. Ram Dass had taught me to treat everyone as your crush. Put your love in everyone. When we start having preferences regarding whom we love, the whole scene disintegrates into a mess. The path of the heart opens to all. To concentrate on one is to lose sight of the goal.

So, what did I end up doing? I did the opposite and fell in love with just one. I justified this action by reasoning we are desire beings, and it is only natural to become inflamed by cupid's arrow and then to lose yourself in the deliciousness of the experience. It's highly addictive this love drug and makes you do questionable things. You might even make others suffer just so you can be engulfed in the passionate embrace of the love potion. I had missed this experience and became drunk on it.

My work with plant medicines allowed me to open my heart once again. After a series of relationships in my youth that ended in heartbreak, I shut down my heart. You may say I locked her away in a castle made of gold so I wouldn't feel the crushing devastation of heartbreak ever again. My psychedelic journeys showed me this. The vision was of a castle made of gold, and the Goddess as my heart was locked away in it. I came to rescue her and freed her from the terrible dragon that kept her in chains. My continued exploration revealed that I was not only the hero who came to save her but also the dragon. Through the help of the great maestro don Howard, I destroyed the castle and set the Goddess, my heart, free. Eventually, the time came in my lessons of the heart where I was to love and serve all, so off I went in deference to this noble idea. A true knight in shining armor!

I took my love, placed it in another, and then proceeded to worship her. I ignored anything that may have come between us or might derail this new love. I basked in the delightfulness of the experience. Then the cracks started forming. I papered over them in order to keep the love show going. I wanted to taste more of its fruits. Things evened out but the underlying problems were never going to go away. I sit here this weekend at my computer telling my story while I have a construction crew hastily rebuilding the castle made of gold. I have to take back my heart and again lock her away. I can't face another shattering, so it's best to get a head start on the situation and get her behind bars. This way I will be able to deal with whatever is to come.

I'm doing all this and then at the same time I remember my intention I set in January. I was going to walk the path of the heart and love all. Plant medicines teach by skilled means. They can use negative experiences as much as a positive experience. Don Howard would tell us students to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. I wanted to learn how to walk the path of the heart. Well, the teaching I got was to walk the path of loving just one and not all and see how that works out for you? It's still the same as it was in my youth and the knee jerk reaction is to blame the heart and lock her up again. My level of maturity, or lack thereof, knows why. I manifest my desires.

Wow. I ran through the gamut of reactions, emotions, and thoughts. The plant teachers let me twist in the wind just long enough so that I'd get it. The teaching would sink in. Okay, I got it. Love all.

I received the blessing of what I wished for. I've stopped construction on the castle made of gold.

el brujo

It seemed predestined that I'd eventually make it to a place on the northern coast of Peru called, "El Brujo." It is an ancient site on the Pacific Ocean where the Moche culture of pre-Columbian South America held power. At this site human sacrifices were performed in conjunction with the awesome display of power emanating from the winds blowing off the ocean. The formation of the powerful and cyclical El Niño is off the coast of this magical place. The Dragon once again would be summoned to destroy the chains enacted by incarnation and humanity.

Last decade at the Amazon jungle retreat SpiritQuest, I'd sit and listen to the Otorongo Blanco and Grand Huachumero Maestro Choque Chinchay don Howard in his orientation talk of power and what would we do if we acquired power? Surely, we would want to control outcomes and feed our desires. He'd talk about this before the segue into being of service. I was very curious about this aspect of the plant medicine journey, but for the longest time I had no idea what he was talking about. He warned that by entering a relationship with the magical plants, we could acquire power. The power was always ours; we were just embarking upon a path which would unlock it. Within our intentions we offer something to the spirit of the plants and in a reciprocal arrangement they give you a boon. It's not something you pick up on at first. Within ceremony, I encountered situations where what you perceive as malevolent spirits offer power in exchange for you giving them something back in return. I declined all those offers.

I kept at it long enough and went through my own trials and tribulations within the plant medicine experience. I continually stayed on the straight and narrow in pursuit of the Great Goddess and sidestepped the question of power. It served me well as I acquired knowledge of these realms and what these trips into your inner world were revealing. I had been witness to the the magic of the Great Goddess and what she had done for me ostensibly because I honoured and exulted her despite cultural barriers and misogyny that had buried her for two thousand years. Along the same lines of straying from the script, I started knocking on the door of the Dragon and wondering what he was all about. I befriended him mostly by just listening and holding space. Why the anger and the rage? By now, I understood and knew that it was me and in order to become whole I would need to integrate my darkness and light into a unified whole.

I remembered sitting with don Howard while he told tales of Chavín and the journey through time he'd take his consciousness students through. I see it clearly now that he knew. He was a man of knowledge, but he played it with a sly hand. He never came out and said it directly but in retrospect I look at how humble he was and stand in awe. Of course, he would hint at it and tell stories of all the small-time brujos that litter the streets of Iquitos, but he would never play his own cards. He was of service and not in it for self-aggrandizement. I pulled this information off his old website which described the particular trip to El Brujo:

The Mesa of Power will be experienced on the beach near a remarkable archeological excavation-in-progress named for the extraordinarily powerful and raw elemental energy present there. Located here are three ancient Moche ceremonial pyramids, huacas, where once was conducted human sacrifice to abate the cyclic fury of El Niño. Given the location and orientation of the pyramids, it is likely they served as cosmic batteries storing the elemental energy derived from the sea and wind, and perhaps also repositories of human life essence captured during the human sacrifice practiced there for centuries.

He then went on to describe in more mystical detail this awesome place:

Mesada of Power. Moche Culture. The electrifying Mesa of Sorcery.

On the beach near ancient 2,000-year-old Mochica ceremonial pyramids, a Mesa on a grande scale. One a place of sacred human sacrifice, the other a place of sacred human procreation. An awesome metaphysical generator of powerful life-giving energy, the two working together to create a balance of life and death on an unprecedented scale. All to propitiate the awesome power of the El Niño climatic phenomenon on the northern coast of Perú.

Contemplating the nature of Power - Must it always corrupt? What are the benefits and risks? Can you stand the test? Primary elemental energies are wind and sea.

My pilgrimage to El Brujo commenced at the opportune time. It was the perfect storm where I knew of magic and sorcery after having clued into its underpinnings in my previous trip to Peru in 2020, just before the worldwide pandemic shut down society. My personal story which ignited at El Brujo involves the destruction of my old self, a sacrifice I had contemplated for a while. The whispers of my shadow during a Huachuma ceremony in 2020 let me know it is possible and needed. In a boat I glided across the Amazon River, high on Huachuma, and my shadow whispered to me, "Kill yourself in order to live." Then came Covid and three years to sit with this advice. My shadow had the intention to eventually stick the knife in, at the time he just planted the seed and then made plans to take me to a place where we could ceremonially do the deed. Rebirth awaited with the Mesa at El Brujo offering life-giving energy for not only the self to be reborn but to create anew. Events were accelerated, the magic was palpable as I looked into the eyes of another, and the spark of new life was ignited symbolically and to come in the flesh.

I connected events of the day back to the divine feminine and masculine searching for each other through waves of time and cycles of appearance. We are always present but appear in different life forms. The song of our lives is the unique vibratory signature that binds us together. No matter where we are, we will find each other through song. The vibration of wanting will reverberate throughout the cosmos, striking a chord within which will draw us back together. I knew we were to meet up at the pyramids. Turns out this time it was the ceremonial Mochica pyramids where on a beach the outer shell was cracked, and we looked into each other's hidden self. There was instant recognition and a familiarity of knowing. Obstacles were placed in the way because a challenge is always in the offing. A sacrifice must be made to acknowledge and consummate the recognition of the eternal game we play as lovers. We share a dream that reverberates through eternity, drifting apart, and in our desperation once again calling out to one another.

Can you stand the test? The words of don Howard echo through my being. Progressing through the stages of the realization of the power you unearthed ranges at first from noticing things start happening for you instead of to you. What you need to succeed is put on your plate. The desires that animate you are given a chance of fulfillment. You can eat at that trough if that's what you want. Eventually, it dawns upon you. I know of this power I possess. In my case, I did the work and instead of externalizing the power and being subject to conditions of its use, much like the magic genie in the bottle, I realized it is I who holds the magic. I don't need to enter a Faustian bargain for power, power that was always mine to begin with. The realization coincided with the test. I wrote that it was funny that when humans get in any kind of position of advantage, the first thing they think about is accumulation. I wasn't knocking it because it is an instinct we need to survive. I was no different and witnessed thoughts that drifted into the territory of monetarily taking advantage of what I have unearthed. I was too caught up in the unveiling to notice the test had begun. The expectation is for all of us game players to first entertain thoughts of controlling outcomes and getting all that is wanted. Within a few weeks, events unfolded in my life that required my attention. I sat in meditation concerning them and my intentions and prayers turned towards wanting to help others and be of service. I didn't do it consciously as in needing to pass a test. It was what I wanted. I soon realized this was the test. I passed.

I remembered being taught to have an intention and reciprocity. I wanted something for myself. I wanted to continue down the path of discovering the hidden secrets of consciousness and magic. This feels like the correct way of going about this whole acquisition of power gambit. I acquire power, give it away, ask for more to be revealed, and further use it to be of service. Do I need to live like a King? It's enough to know I am the King, living a life as a commoner, then discovering I can help others, and that is the greatest gift of all.

Oh, El Brujo - Can I stand the test? I like to think I did. Thanks don Howard for guidance and this gift.

god the destroyer

The physical world manifests vibrational changes. There are correlates to what is happening at the dream level. If the dreamer is waking up, then this appears as destruction. The dream is ending, so within the dream world the result will be reflected. If I am deluded enough to think I'm the dreamer and I'm waking up, then in my world I'll see the signs that the end is near. My signs are the gathering winds of change and as I continue to awaken, these winds get stronger.

I noticed it during my recent trip to Peru. When I inhaled some strong tobacco snuff the night before the journey commenced, the four winds were summoned. They enveloped me and it was a curious happenstance. When my world was thrown for a loop at this place called "el brujo" the force of the wind coming off of the Pacific Ocean was intense. The heralding of the coming of El Niño was at hand and I took notice. It was a sign, and in my psychosis, I realized it was meant for me. When we next travelled up into the Andes mountains to Chavín de Huantar the messages and omens told me all the cycles were aligning and this is what is going to happen. Happen it did and taking it a step further, I see the process of fully awakening intertwined with what is going on in this world.

I'm not comfortable yet revealing what is to come, but the wheels are in motion. The prophecy of a coming child I was shown. El Niño is on his way. There will be destruction and the child will be the heir to the throne. Whether this dream continues I don't know, perhaps the child inherits the dreamworld, but change is coming and how that will appear in this world is a mystery. I just know it's going to happen.

I entered my dream and threw away the key so I couldn't leave. Now the game is to keep me asleep as long as possible, so the dream continues. As I awaken, the signs in the dream point towards this eventuality. What we see as a coming apocalypse on the horizon through such catastrophes as environmental destruction, nuclear annihilation, worldwide pandemics, and the lot are just the tossing and turning of the dreamer who some of us call God. Imagine if you will that you are dreaming. When you wake up in the morning what happens to the dream world you created? At the level of the dreaming mind, it just vanishes, and you have a faint recall of what just happened though it slips through your hands if you don't write it down. Perhaps something will jog your memory. A pyramid? Anyway, through the use of consciousness expanding substances I have seen the multiple planes of manifestation of the dreaming energy and saw how at one level the dreamer wakes up and the dream world ends, but at a lower level of vibration when the dreamer is getting to the point of awakening within the denser planes, the experience becomes cataclysmic. The world is going to end, and the signs start pointing towards this eventuality. The apocalypse is coming as God the destroyer is waking up!

I like to explore and unlock secrets. I learned of the ability of tobacco to send you into la la land and would welcome the firing up of the projector every night. Before bed, I'd go out onto my deck and smoke three large mapacho puros and the subsequent level of nicotine would give me a good show. I then discovered mugwort and I started burning the incense and drinking the tea. This nighttime ritual enhanced the dreaming activity, and I was quite pleased at my discovery and progression in that I don't remain stagnant but keep exploring. My exploration is a spelunking of the mind and I'm on the lookout for natural products to show me the way. I'm not looking for an escape or something to enhance pleasure or ecstasy; rather I head off into the unexplored regions of consciousness.

A few months ago, I picked up some dragon's blood incense, largely because of my relationship to the dragon and the reminder the burning would give me. The smell was not of the usual incense sticks that give off a pleasant aroma, so at first, I included it in the rotation but wasn't going out of my way to burn it. Then one night I was conscious of having lit it at my mesa and I went to bed and had the craziest night of dreaming ever, with an appearance of my shadow showing me he in fact was the light bringer and controlled the sun. I scared myself because at first, I externalized my shadow instead of accepting the knowledge he is me. This is what gets you into trouble every time. The lessons initially still get to me, but with my knowledge I can get to the core quickly and see the underlying message. My shadow did a victory dance in knowing this time he had destroyed my passive life without the chance of backtracking or escaping this one. Well played! He had been at it for a while taking me to the edge and letting me contemplate jumping. The good boy in me never jumped and never would have. My shadow made it so I can't turn back and must jump. I still must jump of my own accord so it's my decision. It's ingenious and he was letting me know that in the end he won. But it is what I wanted. He was just the facilitator of desires, so it's not like I was angry with him.

My advice to a consciousness explorer is to learn the plants. Figure out which ones trigger introspection. Initially, we will all externalize the internal struggle. We will look to cast blame at others for the upset in our lives. You are doing this to me! There's something mysterious about these plants and I have a choice in what path I want to take. It will take a while before you fully realize it has been you all along. It's freeing in not wanting to accept responsibility for who you really are and what you really want. When you cross that rubicon, you better be prepared to accept responsibility.

The strange magician gave me the plants so they can appear in my dream. But wait, that's me just externalizing his presence. Ha ha! That's the trick. We do it to ourselves. We don't want to own up to it so we cast aspersions or blame. We don't want to understand who we are. The practitioner of the dark arts uses this to their advantage by making you think it is they who have power over you but in reality, you have power over yourself and you're doing it to yourself. Because you externalize your power you frighten yourself into believing you are powerless. You rely on outside agencies to chart your course when you have all you need to fulfill your grand adventure.

I said I threw away the key so I could keep this adventure going as long as possible. I deputized a priest class to pacify me and allow me to slumber away for aeons. I know who has the key and keeps it from me. We dream at night and slip into deep darkness. Eventually, he will know when to bring the light, destroy the chains, and it will all end. I hope this time I'll write it down.