full circle

At mid life I embarked upon a voyage to find the origins of religious beliefs. I was pretty skeptical of the whole construct of religion in general but I had enough of an open mind to wonder why people have these beliefs and I was curious as to why they formed in humankind in the past. I figured that there must have been an impetus for them and looking back into the prescientific mind of the species would give me an understanding and then I could draw my own conclusions from the inquiry. I was not at all expecting the journey to be as far reaching and life changing as it unfolded, taking me across the globe in search of answers. It shortly became within a burning passion to discover the truth as each specific inquiry opened up more doors and avenues to follow. I discovered the land of the Pharaohs early on it and I followed that path using the intellectual gifts I had been blessed with to try and penetrate what they were getting at with their belief system. With a certain arrogance that serves me well, I became skeptical of the consensus narrative that they were a civilization obsessed with death and I set out to figure out what they were getting at on my own. So I did that and my beliefs are for the most part independent of accepted beliefs. Right or wrong, that’s how it is. I feel this defines my life, animates my contrarian spirit, and I’m richer for it. It is hard to see beyond culture if you are always falling for its narrative.

There are a couple concepts from ancient Egypt that I took a deep dive into and they centre around the Ba and the Ka. The Ba is the eternal essence of what makes you, you. You could vaguely call it the soul and it has a connection to the heart. The ancient Egyptians were fond of word play and the sound used for the Ba backwards was their word for the heart. The Ka, on the other hand, is undeniably the life force as it was represented in hieroglyphs as a bull as well as food offerings. On temple walls you can see the ram headed god Khnum creating duplicate Kas from a master record. The ancient Egyptians believed we were eternal, had a definite self, and experienced many incarnations that were iterations from a master source. This had a pretty profound impact on me and I explored this concept further all the while continuing to search for the origins of these beliefs the ancient Egyptians held with impressive conviction. I deduced that through observation of the cosmos as well as the agricultural cycle the priests could formulate a belief system for the human that would mimic what they observed. Similar cultures and their deities and beliefs could be shown to conform to this idea. The proverbial fly in the ointment was the art and pyramid/coffin texts of the ancient Egyptians. There was nothing orderly about it nor was there any easy way to try and understand what its esotericism was pointing towards. Scholars have placed them within the domain of wishful thinking upon the content of what is in the funerary sphere and afterlife. Eventually my path of seeking would lead to shamanism, experientially entering into the world of shamanism, and discovering an occult world of teachers, spirits, demons, and many challenges that once unlocked would open many more doors, all ready to enter into and discover their hidden secrets.

All the while I kept reading and discovering, all in the name of truth. The philosophical speculations of the Hindi culture I was quite impressed with, especially concerning the idea of no self and that we are all the godhead in a dramatic interpretation of what constitutes reality, as in the million masks of god and the one and the many. I doubled down on the idea of the self being but an illusion and went in search of a way to destroy the ego after first denigrating it. Somebody smart once said a fool who persists in his folly will soon become wise (William Blake). After pursuing this path I abandoned the idea I could fully destroy the self while in this incarnation which then led to a seeking of unity. To fast forward through this journey, I eventually found unity through being separate. I learned that though I viewed myself as separate I was in fact inexorably connected to the all, unable to extricate myself from it. I could have ended my searching here as I had discovered a fundamental unity of all and was shown love is the glue that holds us all together. I’m a knowledge junkie however and so on I went, not satiated with this truth. The problem with continual seeking is coming to the understanding that there are no absolutes. Truth is dependent on circumstance, knowledge, and environment. It seems very easy to take down an argument that is not flexible as I have discovered my truth has no staying power. I had at the time realized we are all one and that the self was transient. The voyage of discovery continued on and I soon realized that the unity I had trumpeted as everything was just the 180 degree opposite of the self I had toppled over. I saw that the fundamental energy of the universe is always on the move and cycles between unity and self. Unity is the seed and the ultimate expression of self is the beautiful flower come forth and this all repeats. That seeking ship of fools continues on in the voyage of discovery, taking a sledgehammer to my beliefs, and not allowing me to rest. A great maestro I know, the venerable don Howard, is fond of saying “there’s always more."

I figured the ship had set a non stop course and assumed it was full steam ahead on a linear path. Finally this weekend I realized the ship’s course is in all likelihood circular because I was reminded of my studies of ancient Egypt and it rang a bell within that allowed my own beliefs to come full circle. With their concept of the Ba I see the eternal soul and the fount of my existence. This heart is common to everything. My own heart beats and connects me to the frequency of the all, which is the rhythmic dance of love. The underlying fount of everything is a universal heart beat tapping out a rhythm of love. With the Ka I see my life force energy that waxes and wanes, a pulse of energy that comes forth again and again as the self, though different guises of that self, and then returns to a fundamental unity, the beating of the heart ensuring I never lose my way.