full admission

Continuing on with what I wrote about last week, I’m going to be forthright and come off as maybe deluded and crazy however this is the truth of the situation. This is what has happened to me and continues to occur on a regular basis. I got trolled again this morning by my subconscious. Well, not really a troll, but one of those coincidences that is too contrived to think it is a random happenstance and I know from past experiences that my subconscious can manipulate events so that the outcome lines up in a way that is serendipitous. I think this goes back to the assertion that I’m mad but in a healthy and good way. I’m pretty low-key and have it all together on the outside so nobody suspects anything is going on.

I remember when I first went to Peru and drank Ayahuasca. I was an easy mark who tended to avoid confrontation. The darkness within went into full on attack mode in order to leave me dazed and to send me home, never to return. Just live out your life, don’t change anything, and don’t come back. Do not disturb. When I left the jungle, I started hearing voices in my head. Okay, not voices but just one voice. It scared the shit out of me and it went on for three days. No sleep and I was on the verge of psychosis it was that unnerving. Seven years later I know what it was. It was me. The part of me I bury in the subconscious that occasionally rises up to the surface. I know him pretty well now. He was just trolling me and asserting dominance. He kept at it in the background for months leading to this situation where he’d wake me every night at the exact same time and harass me. 1:10 am wakeup call. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was a wreck after five nights of this. Eventually, I asked my muse the Goddess, for help after I went into a full-on panic attack for the first time in my life and she helped me out of this hole. My relationship with the feminine divine is the single most important bond in my life. Her power saved me from what it was I faced. She is always present, ready to offer protection, guidance, and wisdom. All I have to do is ask. I know it sounds religious! It’s why I can’t get sucked into the beliefs of others. My belief in a personal goddess is unshakeable. Anyway, I started making changes in my life and the darkness accosted me again a few months later and I went into another panic attack but I came out swinging and fought back. I resolved to get the best of him and defeat him. I then spent two and a half years with the upper hand and used a hammer to beat him into submission. I wasn’t aware I had that strength and neither did my dark side.

 

Eventually, I went back to Peru and once again faced him directly. What balls! The first experience was designed so I’d run away and not come back; never to peer into the darkness again. Why did I go back? I didn’t want to live out my life a coward. I knew somewhere I had courage to muster and so I came back for round two. He came out swinging and I took all the punches. He threatened me with death if I didn’t give in to his wishes. I stood my ground and said kill me if you must. I earned a lot of respect that night.

 

I'm the biggest and baddest motherfucker on the planet. How do I know that? It’s because my subconscious wanted to destroy me because no one takes on that aspect of themselves when it has decided to stomp you out of existence and comes out of it alive, all in one piece. I really should be a cowering basket case and exhibit ‘A' in regards to the use of psychedelics. Who knows what lurks within? I won and for that I got mucho respect. My relationship with my dark side is what you could call a truce with steps towards a working agreement. He knows my weaknesses because they are me and he is me. Predilections is a better word for it. He constantly shows me what he is capable of. It’s astounding in that he transcends time and can manipulate events to work out how he so chooses.

 

On this path, you are warned about power and its seduction. I see clearly how it works: you are shown the strength and dominance of the darkness within. It floors you with an uppercut and beats you into submission. Afterwards, the subconscious force offers you power in exchange for fealty as there is a price to pay for your new-found power. Look at the powerful in the world and see it. See the depravity at the base of it. The last two years of world history have been a course in what the result of giving power to humans manifests. There is a price to pay for power. In the end, you end up using your power to feed off of others, mostly in a way that is subtle where you take advantage of and manipulate them. Meanwhile, the Goddess is busy teaching you that you are the others; we are all one. Don’t do it! I look back now and see how this was to play out. I got hammered and subsequently in a malleable position was offered a ton of power. I declined. I was harassed afterwards until finally I fought back and later had the gumption to return and face up to it all. Not only that but after being offered power again, I declined and kept my freedom.

 

I don’t think the subconscious is malevolent. I think it is in a way proving a point in that we are all weak and will take the road to power, fame, fortune, and glory if offered the chance. We will self-aggrandize at the expense of others, forgetting we are one. Ultimately, that is the lesson to learn in that to objectify others as separate from yourself is what causes suffering and also allows you to amass power. We will sell out whomever and whatever for this opportunity. I don’t want to glorify myself. I did decline the offer of power and said I’m looking for a paradigm of love and was not interested in those worldly powers. If I do acquire fame and fortune, I will do it through my own accord and use it to give back. Those are my intentions and have always been my intentions.

 

I am intrigued with the darkness, as it is me. The relationship is now much different and he knows I’m a jaguar and have the serpent on my side. I have wondered if he misread me? Would he have attacked as he did, if he knew I’d fight back and win? He didn’t see the jaguar hidden within nor the serpent woman at my side ready to strike. I now know of his power and I think we can strike a deal in order to liberate the mind and to help heal the world.