black sheep

As you progress along the myriad of spiritual paths available to the seeker, you will come across obstacles in your way ostensibly set up as roadblocks to your liberation. These roadblocks are human-made; they are either cultural cautions of where you are allowed to explore or subtle admonitions shepherding you onto a path that is not of your own making. The shepherd will throw out a bunch of terms to confuse, such as "spiritual materialism" and you have no idea what they are talking about. So, you research it and figure well, they must know about this pitfall so I’ll follow them because they know what it is all about; they are fully realized spiritual beings! Of course, they don’t really know much more than you; they are just collecting followers. That’s what a shepherd does - he or she collects sheep and turns a profit on them.

A shepherd has got skin in the game because of the personal rewards. They may come to love their sheep and will do anything for them but the underlying reason for being a shepherd isn’t altruism. It’s because of a need to earn a living and being a shepherd is a pretty noble way to transform this reality into something good. Spiritual materialism refers to activities that lead fundamentally towards wealth creation. Along the path is an increase in one’s ego because of achievement such as being a star at meditation or getting a certificate that says you’re enlightened. Okay, I don’t think there is a place that gives out those certificates but I’ve always thought it to be a really funny idea. Spiritual materialism can also refer to monetizing your holiness through books and lectures as well attracting as many followers as possible and cashing in on that list.

I’m more interested in this new term I’ve just coined called "cultural spirituality." What do I mean by this? Well, glad you asked. What I mean is there're avenues of spiritual exploration that are sanctioned by the culture you live in and there are also the taboo paths. Christianity is the gold standard of acceptable spiritual pursuits in western civilization. This institution will ensnare most who have an awakening and subsequently you will concede your new found awakening to a third party who has been fully vetted by the guardians of culture. So, your path is to do the religious thing influenced by culture. Find Jesus. Too sophisticated for that? Go for the eclectic Eastern disciplines. The eastern paths such as Buddhism offer a more intellectual route towards spiritual fulfillment. It is mixed in with meditation and yoga; activities that have been totally watered down and salted within the confines of western culture. For lunch I can get a Buddha bowl and later snack on some prana chips. Us humans are so funny. Go all in on the holy path. Holy robes and let the light in. Learn the postures. Read the pop-spiritual books. Ah “The Alchemist!” Search the internet and ask, "What you selling?" Talk with others about the accepted teachers. Deepak Winfrey! Go for it all: Become a renunciate and an ascetic. They are all traps. They are all obstacles in your path.

I’m the black sheep. I don’t know why but ever since I can remember I have been a contrarian. Whatever is the in-thing or the expected route to take, I always want to go explore the other side or at least question what I am being fed. If someone tries to tell me what is the truth I try and figure out what they are hiding or who they are and how they are planning to deceive me. If they denigrate an activity eventually I’ll get around to exploring why that is? All the avenues of cultural spirituality I never fell for because I see through them. For some, it’s all they need and I’m cool with that; no judgment here. You do you and I’ll do me.

For example, the tantric path is mostly forbidden. I say mostly because it’s tolerated but relegated to the fringe. I reckon it works however the caveat is you’d get so lost in your hedonism you wouldn’t find your way out without an exemplary teacher, so you’d have to find someone you implicitly trust before embarking upon that left-hand path of indulgence. All in all, tantra raises eyebrows and gets tongues wagging but it isn’t taboo.

I know what’s taboo. It’s easy to figure out because the one constant in all spiritual paths is to seek and head for the light. We tie pagan customs of the re-birth of the light left for dead at the winter solstice into the Christian birth of our saviour. These mythological stories of the light being victorious over the darkness are found in all cultures, past and present. So, the lesson at hand is to put on your contrarian hat and figure out what’s off-limits. It’s the darkness! We give it names like hell and put a ruler over it called the Devil and leave it at that. It’s taboo to explore the darkness and it would be quite scandalous to entertain a spiritual path based upon the dark lord. That would definitely have to be kept on the down low; like an after-hours club for spiritual seekers.

Shouldn’t it be on the menu though? To honestly explore is to examine all nature and facets of consciousness and the darkness is quite neglected even though psychologically we know it is the hidden force that directs our lives. The discipline of psychology cloaks it in highfalutin concepts such as the id and assigns it an animal nature hell bent upon desire fulfillment. As a society, we have outlets to channel these destructive and anti-social impulses so they don’t cause too much havoc. As a last resort, or now too common as a first response, we have pills that will numb consciousness so that the rumblings from deep within can be buried even further.

One of the most exciting things to come out of my entry into the spiritual path scene is that I question everything and like to play at the edge of prejudice. The universe was keenly aware that eventually I would get around to questioning this constant shepherding towards the light. Whatcha hiding? It couldn’t keep me away. I’ve seen in. I scared myself silly and ran upon first glimpse. The biggest spiritual block I’ve encountered on this path is desire that originates in this darkness. I’ve tried abstinence, renunciation, and I’ve embraced it. It bubbles up from the darkness before boiling over. I reckon the only way to find the answer I seek is to go fully into this darkness and embrace the teachings of the master. Talk about taboo. Here’s my condensed story of how I got to this place:

I know I will get there. I don’t even know where there is. All my life I have been able to figure out whatever I put my mind to. I’ve answered the questions of life that I had been curious about. This path I have travelled has expanded my consciousness to the point where I can see it all, drink it in, and get the answers to eternal questions. The current block on my path was related to desire. It took a long time to get past its hold. Small victories and ignominious defeats. The constant failure taxed my psychological well-being. I could feel the depression coming and the waves of despair threatening my mental health. However, I knew I would get past it; I always do.

I sat with this feeling last night and reminded myself what a bad motherfucker I am. I know what I did. I know you won’t believe me when I tell you what I did. On this path, I ventured into the jungle wilderness and altered my consciousness in the dead of night. At one point when I did this I met a really scary and bad demon; the baddest of the bunch, well you know who, and this frightened me beyond anything you could ever imagine. He chased me away and then chased me all the way home. My cultural cudgel, Jesus, offered a couple times to help but I declined. Sorry JC, I got this. Diablo continued pummelling me while at home and came in for the final death blow. I slowly learned to fight back and at one point I had the nerve to do something that I look back on and think what chutzpah I had. What balls! One night, I conducted this ceremony to summon him and then when I knew he was present I told him I was going to cut his motherfucking head off! We had another throw down after that and I was jacked. I wanted to keep fighting.

I went back to the jungle wilds and he was waiting for me. I sat in that ceremony and took all the blows to the head. He threatened me with death and I said kill me if you must, I’m not veering off my path. I survived. I got one up on him. I locked him out. I was so successful I convinced him I had it in me to not only take his life course but succeed at the top of the class. My outlook on life changed from being a meek man to someone who was a fighter of no compare. I transformed into a jaguar in a subsequent ceremony because I was the king of my domain. Instead of fighting the darkness, I now became his student. The class is a constant challenge and he tells me he is forging steel. Things will get hot and it's not for the weak. I had to remind myself last night how strong I am and that I can do this. I need to let go of behaviours that make me weak and instead take hold of my destiny.

When I figured out his identity I was shocked at first; I had to sit with it a couple days but then came acceptance because I knew deep down it was true. I had been trying to deny the knowledge for a while even though it was staring me right in the face.

I know power can change you for the worse and I’ve been very cautious with it. This fire burns within me; it’s intense and it comes forth and needs an outlet. When I drink Huachuma, it's coursing through me. It’s my teacher enveloping me and I’m him. Gobs of power lighting me up. Do it, reach out and take it. I get that message sometimes but I’m reluctant. He has told me about this power. I’ve earned it. I took on that bad man and came out the other side, still intact. He says it’s mine. Take it. You can handle it. What would society think of that if I fully owned it - the power and its source? I seek knowledge so I’m not afraid of being corrupted by the temptation to power I see. All the answers I seek are in that abyss that awaits me and I don’t intend to be sidetracked by power that would derail my caravan. My intention is pretty clear at this point and I’m ready to make the leap and fall into the downward spiral to get there. I’ll be alright; I always am.

What is the truth of what I’m dealing with? Organized religion engages in deceiving people in order to obtain wealth and power. I know a favourite tactic of sociopaths are to accuse your perceived enemy of the traits that describe your personality in order to mask your own unpleasantness. It works because you acknowledge you are aware of these character flaws and of course if you had them you would see them in your actions and therefore being a good person, you would change these bad behaviours. If you need examples of how this successfully works just follow politics. My personal favourites are the autocratic governments that call their country the “Republic of” or “Democratic People of”. It’s quite stunning to see it at work and how whole swaths of the populace fall for this tactic. Anyway, I bring this up because if you really want to see the inner workings of the Christian church just examine all the traits they assign to Satan and you will understand the underbelly of the church and its sins. If the church was holy and pure their words would ring true. Instead, it makes you question who really is the great deceiver?

I’m not chasing power and I stood up for myself in the face of great adversity. Respect is earned and in turn it lifts the veil. Though shocked by what you may uncover it’s what feeds me. I’m excited to continue on down this road towards the adventures that beckon and await my exploration.