reflection of self

I am.

I am yet I didn't know I. From I, I became the mother and the father. I created my universe. I impregnated the mother and birthed myself into my own world. The world is a reflection of self. The creation of the world is through the objectification of my polar extremes. I see my naked self. No filters. I did all this in order to understand self and find reconciliation with just who I am. Being honest with myself and owning the suffering in my world compels me to seek answers. The answers are found in the middle; in the heart space where I temper my powerful extremes with love. Love seems to be the answer.

The heart creates the pulse in our body derived from the master heartbeat. The rhythm is the connection to the vibratory nature of being and our way back home. All is vibration. The effluence of the vibration is an energetic tour de force that comes forth from the mother. From this new-found power comes conscious awareness which we use to divide and objectify what just is. Awareness of the other leads to thoughts which give rise to feelings.

Relativity is carried upon the back of the eternal vibration which gives rise to perspective. As we look through the prism of what just is, we create our story. What adventure would you like?

This universe is your universe and no one else can lay claim to your world. Others will steal your power through manipulation of fear and separateness and you willingly exchange your birthright for food and shelter. I want you to understand that the universe you perceive is unique to only you and it is through internal agreements we make about reality that allows us to inhabit someone else's world. A world we share but are privy to our unique perspective. Why do I need you to accept this premise? Well, without it I cannot teach you about power and magic. When I finally convince you that you are the all and this world is of your making from your own unique point of view, you will have the key which allows you to control and change the world. Whether you want to do that is another story; however, it is important you are shown this power. From this standpoint, you will then see how you already are sabotaging your own life and have conspired subconsciously to place yourself into the position from which you now operate. Conversely, you will see how those you think are successful in the game of life perpetuate their way of life.

Paradoxically, the other in their own bubbles, to wit a universe of their own making, are the many all derived from the one. To simplify, who you see are emanations of the great I; an amalgamation of the dreaming mind stitched together into a web of consciousness.

In order to sense this universe of duality you have to live in the middle world. My polar extremes are only discernible in a world where I stand in the middle and can see them. Your universe is created through the interaction of your extremes. You know - light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain. You stand in the middle of it all and bring this world to life.

Try out these mental exercises: Why do we eat? To satiate hunger and find peace so we can get on with life. Why do we seek out sexual gratification? To quell the urge within so we can be at peace. Why do we exercise? To calm the internal fire that needs an outlet. So we can spend a few moments sufficiently exhausted in order to relax before the peacefulness sends us off into sleep where we renew the life force within and the cycle repeats. These are all examples of taking the extremes within the body and bringing them to centre in order to find balance. If you overeat in order to satiate hunger, you aren't going to feel well, possibly vomit, and long term become obese. You missed the lesson of balance and now you suffer from the inability to grasp the teachings at hand.

Love is found in the middle of the two polar extremes. The enlightened sage is just as far from this love as the degenerate. I had to walk the path towards fool's gold for quite some time before I got the teaching. I climbed the mountain, reached the summit of my spiritual beatitudes, got one up on my fellow seekers, and as a result found out it was just another game which keeps us separated. Oh look, he's such a wise man; a guru for our technological troubled times. What are you doing? This is just perpetuating the divide, knowing full well most humans will not reach the pinnacle of enlightenment unless someone else tells them they have accomplished this spiritual endgame. It's true. Most will keep going on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning, all because they are looking for external acknowledgement of something that will never come. If I have you under my spell and am extracting prestige and wealth from you why would I ever let you in on the fact you are already enlightened? I mean if you haven't figured out the game yourself then maybe you deserve it? The philosophical genius Alan Watts explains this very phenomenon:

So, there are all sorts of people in the religious racket who are going through revolving doors. And they’re very bitter about people who walk right through and leave the door behind, because they say, “You haven’t paid enough respect.” You must really understand religious one-upmanship. It’s a tremendously important thing. And don’t be caught out by this, because what happens is: there’s a little game going on, which I’m going to initiate you into. And it’s played in Zen, which is… it works like this: if you go to a teacher and ask for spiritual instruction, or even if you come to a seminar like this, you are—by doing that—confusing yourself, because you are looking for what you are asking for outside; as if someone else could give it to you, as if you didn’t have it. So, the teacher knows that, as long as you do that, you haven’t understood. But he doesn’t just tell you to go away. Or he may, sometimes, just say, “Go away, I’m too busy. And in any case, I can’t tell you anything.” Well, people won’t take that for an answer. They won’t take no for an answer. And furthermore, if he just said, “Go away,” they would just find some other teacher who would exploit them, and maybe keep them as followers for years and acquire a great deal of money by so doing.

What he does is another thing. He tries to give them the putdown, as if to say, “You have a great, long distance to go yet. Your attainment is not at all perfect.” And they’re always talking about other sects and other schools, and saying, “Well, they haven’t really got the point,” see? So that you keep losing faith in yourself and feeling, “My goodness, I haven’t yet attained this thing.” And that keeps you working. But all the time you’re being talked out. It’s like someone who’s a pickpocket, and he’s stolen your own watch and is selling it to you. But just so long as you can be talked out of yourself, you deserve to be!

Now, you become very aware of this if you ever do, momentarily, slip into some sort of a mystical experience. You become aware of this tremendous gamesmanship going on. And you see it as sort of continuous with all sorts of cosmic games that are going on: of creatures eating other creatures up, and the creatures that get eaten, of course, transform themselves into the creatures that eat them, and then in turn eat other creatures. And you see the whole hide-and-seek game going on, and then you realize very clearly that the state of development that you are in, now, is no better and no worse than anybody else’s state. Because it’s like space again. Which star is in the best position? Well, it’s all equal. They’re all in the middle. Anyone can be considered as the center one. Any point on a sphere is the center of the surface of the sphere. So, in the same way, everybody—in all his behavior, whatever he’s doing—whether we call him from a certain point of view sick or whether we call him healthy, whether we call him good or bad, neurotic, normal, psychotic, sane—all the manifestations are just like the leaves on the trees, and in each being in a unique way is (as Christians would say) manifesting the will of God.

So, there really—from that point of view, you see—there is nothing to do to attain Buddhahood. Nothing at all. But, you see, that’s very difficult to understand because a lot of people, when they hear that there’s nothing to do, try to do nothing! And you can’t! Because you are karma, and karma means action. You can’t do nothing. But the thing you’re looking for (or think you’re looking for) is what you’re doing, is what’s called you. Only, of course, as we all know, we’ve got ourselves into the idea that oneself is so difficult to see. Because it’s like, as I’ve often said, trying to bite your own teeth or look into your own eyes, and you can’t find it. It’s always behind. It’s like your head is, from the optical point of view, a blank space. Neither light nor dark. It’s right in the middle of everything.

This world is all you and you hold all the cards. All you have objectified as the other is in fact emanations of your ability to objectify. A divine prismatic ability which is the superpower that sustains this world. The friend you meet on the street is you who strangely enough has the same abilities as you do so that they may convince themselves of their separateness and have an adventure. When you finally realize and accept the inseparability of all and see we are just looking at self from multiple perspectives you realize of course you are god. You are everything! You are god and the devil all rolled into one.

If you meet a peddler of enlightenment, ask them about Satan and their relationship to him. Do they still keep him buried without even an acknowledgement of his existence? Are they so far along their holy path they no longer have to deal with him? The true sage is fully aware of their own rascality.

In essence, we fear psychological death and this prevents us from discovering the truth. We cannot come to terms with the death of the mind. The mind is what keeps the illusion going and makes you really believe you are this separate being. Our minds are attached to our unique body because that's how we perpetuate the con. Once the body goes, the vehicle which allows the mind to convince us we are a perceived distinct being is dissolved and we are left with nowhere to stand. One who makes the claim of enlightenment will of course welcome death and the transition onwards to the next adventure which they have originally created for themselves. I can't tell you what it is; it would ruin the surprise.

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.