crave

When I say freedom, what am I referring to? There is an external freedom found in extricating one from the demands of culture and attachments that throughout a lifetime you have wound yourself up tightly in. You have created an identity and you must fulfill that role lest you become an outcast and viewed as a failure to live up to the bargain you made with society and those around you who are playing the same game. Accepting identity is a path towards being blackmailed by culture into remaining in the system. The device used is connection as being social animals we want to find commonality with other humans. To leave this game all at once is painful for all stakeholders. I don’t know what is better? Do you rip the band-aid off in one fell swoop or a little bit at a time? It’s going to hurt either way. I’m doing the little bit at a time gambit, and it seems it’s a highly personal decision that depends on how much you’ve embedded yourself into the mess. I don’t think I’ll ever go 100% into letting go of my identity. It’s a must to enable freedom of movement in 21st century earth. I can see how to use it to your advantage but not take it seriously. There are also friends and family relationships that will remain with you no matter what path you choose. External freedom means no expectations. Desires will continue to tug at you and tempt you to become once again attached. Having a great deal of money will enable much freedom at the cost of being attached to your money. Giving up all wealth will allow for total freedom at the cost of suffering. This is quite the problem to figure out!

The other freedom is internal freedom which once again is affected by the expectations of culture. By internal freedom I mean stop being a puppet controlled by that all seeing eye of culture that controls your behaviour. Our early years are spent balancing the urge for experimentation to fulfill our desires while living within the bounds of cultural expectations. The human life trajectory, as I see it, is to fulfill your desires in the first half of your life and then discard later in life all the accrued attachments because of the chase. In addition, you will be free of the need to quench your thirst for these desires as you’ve tasted them and therefore get on with the project of the discovery of self.

We are desire and because of this we chase adventure and novelty and then sink into the experience, sometimes letting go of complete control while other times maintaining a modicum of sanity in order to not lose ourselves. Ever seen someone you know fall in love? It’s irrational and their actions are pathological therefore we say they are crazy in love. Sometimes, this leads to making decisions that will curtail your freedom and you do it willingly because that’s what you are supposed to do in this culture. Standing back from the madness and observing is instructive. We start out free and then we chase what we desire. We get it and lose our freedom because we become attached to the behaviour. Not being able to extricate ourselves from the predicament leads to suffering. Because we are desire, we are attracted to this incarnation so we can chase carnal desires. The incarnation causes suffering because we don’t get what we want and need. A successful go round on the wheel isn’t baked into the cards. You chase what lights you up and it’s a gamble. Oh, to taste the sweet nectar of fulfillment of desires! It's so intoxicating. A bad roll of the dice and I’m living in a shit hole, scrounging for food, and trying to get out of my predicament.

To understand why we chase fulfillment of desire is to look no further than music. In observing how a song’s hook addicts its listener, it can be understood that first it's not rational so trying to understand the pathology of addiction seems futile. The satisfying hit of a sequence of sounds is pleasurable and releases a reward. It’s novelty and what we crave. It’s nonsensical. Therein lies the rub as soon the newness wears off and we become indifferent to the tune and move on in search of the next hit. It’s a fascinating look into what makes us tick. If we viewed relationships in this regard we would have a healthier society. There is a dichotomy at present in that two people come together through desire which as we know is going to wane. They tie themselves up contractually and introduce offspring into the equation to further complicate matters that can be reduced to the analogy of the song. We addict to others and then want to exit the situation and search out a new relationship to get that hit of pleasure it brings. It is generally frowned upon but it’s the truth of what we seek. That being said there are those who do desire a family and view relationships as a means to this end. Most don’t realize what they are getting into and the consequences of their actions. Overcome with desire, we give up freedom in order to fulfill our wants. Eventually we wake up, the desire is long gone, and we are left holding the proverbial bag.

We bury the master teacher because he knows the way out of internal and external enslavement. We are desire and don’t want to hear about anything that goes against it. We are in a prison that we helped build and we like it that way. We ignore the whispering in your ear to be free. The secret to the game is chase novelty, enjoy the playing and savour the fruit, and then let it go. Freedom allows you to move on to the next game. Without freedom there is no more playtime. The knock at the door comes asking you to come out and play. Sorry I can’t; I have expectations of the role to perform. The great liberator had to leave in order to establish roots of a civilization and culture. It’s no good having a bunch of people running around with no stability and nothing grounding them to role to play within society. How can it move forward without these restrictions? Civilization as we know it owes a big part of its success to the banishment of that voice inside us urging us to be free and step beyond the pale of culture that keeps you in chains.

Many are content to live within the structure of society and transfer their desire onto the acquisition of material wealth for the most part. After a while, it rings hollow and we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. The spiritual path is taken up by some at this point, and they seek fulfillment in this regard. We sink into this experience and become holy. The optimal time for this game is post middle age so it can take you into your old age and death therefore you don’t start questioning it and become disillusioned. It’s too late at that point. What good is freedom when you're decrepit?

The shadow is the liberator. The freedom we buried is in this darkness. My path to take is the rediscovery of what is hidden deep within. Maybe it will kill me or cause great pain but that’s not what I intuit. Instead, I can taste freedom as time slips through my fingers. Clarity has certainly arrived. I know what is ahead. Freedom is my desire.

dogmatic unravelling

In my youth, I never had much time for the Bible. I concluded religion was superstition, wishful thinking, and not rational. Religion had its uses in being able to inculcate within a group of people a like-minded belief system which would allow them to stay together as a cohesive nation. The Old Testament and the twelve tribes of Israel is such an example which brought together the Israelites to form a nation who worshipped the god Yahweh. Looking back at the impact of the Old Testament, it really is an exquisite template for nation building in addition to holding the nation together through the trials and tribulations of history. In contrast, the New Testament brings together many nations under the umbrella of Christianity, which crosses ethnic bounds, and can become a worldwide unifying force through the power of Jesus Christ. So, I see the utility in such methods of nation building and bringing together disparate groups of people through belief systems.

In my own spiritual education, I recently wrote the final exam on the two brothers within my masculine psychic makeup. Within, I see the light and the dark and I stopped identifying with one at the expense of the other. As with everything, my makeup reflects the two which create a triad. I am three. I am the one from the two and the two are who I am. My masculine self is the sum of the two brothers of the light and darkness within. Furthermore, my relationship to the feminine divine recreates unity and I’m that unity. I subdivide into feminine and masculine and bring the dualistic universe to life. Go forth and multiply!

Ultimately, in psychological terms, I am sick. I have multiple identities you could say, though identities isn't the right word for the condition. They just are appearances of self upon the eternal cycling wave of manifestation. They are really who I am minus identity. Identity is the purview of the divine actor who is me. This actor is so good at his craft he has us all fooled. I don’t even know if I’m the actor because I’ve totally bought into the character and role. Internally, I take the two brothers and try to balance them out which creates the actor on this stage of life. The actor has an internal protagonist and an antagonist thus the drama can commence with the necessary tools for a good story and adventure. I play it small because I assume this personality and go about my daily business playing this inconsequential being in a vast universe trying to make something of myself. It's very funny because I now know the opposite is true. The two brothers who comprise my inner psychic world combine to become the masculine everything. I use the term "masculine everything" because I don't want to call myself god as that turns people off. So, yeah, I'm god. I am the masculine life force that brings this whole construct into existence and then gets lost, so I don't know who I am. I then have an adventure.

Why two? It’s simple. Manifestation into this world of form requires objectification and therefore we are all dualistic constructs. We are hyper aware of differences and delineate through our senses. Why would the descent of god into form be any different? He is two. He is the light and the dark. God is the two brothers who are my essence. When I recognize this totality, I become him. When I play it small, I am a tiny speck in a vast and unknowable universe.

It's very funny to me because our ego identifies with whom you have been told you are from the day you were born. You are given an identity and have to carve out a place in the world to become somebody because you are nobody. We strive to make it in this world. It's an exquisite game when you think about it once you have discovered who you really are. Becoming nobody once again will lead you to the truth.

Anyway, I know in this lifetime my inner most desire and subsequent adventure I wanted to have concerns solving the puzzle of life. I wanted to see if I could figure out the mystery. I initially laid down the parameters for the game such as being born into a peaceful and prosperous country in a middle-class family. I gave myself the intelligence to be successful at whatever I chose to be in life, and I tempered this with a lack of ambition. My avatar as constructed was a pre-incarnation stroke of genius. In hindsight, I could have maximally monetized my smarts and led a life of excess and trivial desire fulfillment once I figured out my power. However, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts and this eventually led me to the mystery after 40 years of sleepwalking through life.

I found the particular methods I needed to master in order to get the answers I was searching for. There's another pitfall to be avoided at this point. Eventually, you see this great power available to pretty much get whatever you want. All my fleshly inner desires, which are like trips to the carnival in that they fulfill sensory pleasure, I manifested at this point. I was getting everything I wanted that I had suppressed. The pull of the mystery still held sway over me, and I let the desires fall by the wayside however tempting and intriguing they appeared to be. I then got the answer to the mystery.

So, I see the answer encoded in many religions, myths, and fairy tales yet no one understands them because we have externalized the inner journey and fail to see who we really are. We are all god in drag playing a peculiar game of not knowing. Some beliefs systems do teach of our divinity, but the intellectual pursuit seems to stop at that point and the likelihood of going further seems to end. No one seems to connect to the dualistic manifestation of god on this plane of existence and treats him as one. Unity is the holiest of the holy. On the other hand, I'm an Einsteinian in that perception is reliant upon perspective and this includes god.

This understanding has allowed me to look with fascination upon the Holy Bible. The Old Testament and New Testament combining into one book is interesting in that the sum really does point to the answer to the mystery. It's so amazing because the understanding has been lost yet I see it and it's glorious. The world at large will never recover this knowledge because the idea of God and Jesus are taught in a way where there is no way you will see what I see. I will briefly lay out what I'm talking about, and you can say I'm deluded and have concocted this interpretation to fit my storyline and that's okay. I'm cool with it.

Yahweh is the alpha shadow within us all. He demands worship and conformity. He was the one who brought this dualistic world to life, separating the firmaments, punctuated by "Let there be light!”

Genesis chapter 1 (King James Version):

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

The darkness released the light. The shadow needs the light in order to appear. Light creates duality.

God demands worship. He gives us commandments and requirements that must be followed upon penalty of death. This is nation building which rallies around deity. The required worship is designed so that you never forget. Your world is inundated with Yahweh, and you share this duty to always remember him with everyone else.

Yahweh is unrelenting and has no room for dissent. He is indignant and will fly into a rage at a moment's notice. Yahweh is the dragon. Whoa! Wait a minute. God is love and light. What are you talking about? Let me share some bible verses from the patriarchs and prophets.

Exodus chapter 19 (King James Version):

18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.

Ezekiel chapter 22:

20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst thereof.

22 As silver is melted in the midst of the furnace, so shall ye be melted in the midst thereof; and ye shall know that I the Lord have poured out my fury upon you.

In the opening chapter of Nahum is dragonesque imagery of earthquakes, melting hills, and a scorched earth which is followed by more excellent dragon imagery, as Yahweh pours his fury out as fire and throws rocks down at those that do not obey.

5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt,

and the earth is burned at his presence,

yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

6 Who can stand before his indignation?

and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger?

his fury is poured out like fire,

and the rocks are thrown down by him.

2 Samuel chapter 22 is quite the dragon sighting as smoke pours out of Yahweh's nostrils and then he breaths fire. Additionally, Samuel poetically describes Yahweh sweeping through the heavens upon the wings of the wind.

7 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried to my God:

and he did hear my voice out of his temple,

and my cry did enter into his ears.

8 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations of heaven moved

and shook, because he was wroth.

9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down;

and darkness was under his feet.

11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him,

dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13 Through the brightness before him

were coals of fire kindled.

Also, in the 18th Psalm we have passages that are comparable to 2 Samuel 22 that describes Yahweh as a dragon with smoke coming out of his nostrils, fire out of his mouth, and riding on the wings of the wind. Darkness surrounds his habitation which is given cover by dark waters and thick clouds; the typical dragon’s lair.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried unto my God:

he heard my voice out of his temple,

and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

7 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations also of the hills moved

and were shaken, because he was wroth.

8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down:

and darkness was under his feet.

10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his secret place;

his pavilion round about him

were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.

12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed,

hail stones and coals of fire.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,

and the Highest gave his voice;

hail stones and coals of fire.

14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them;

and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

No one told you about these excellent descriptions of Yahweh? I've read the Old Testament and the understanding gradually came to me once I dropped prejudice. I see Yahweh for who he is and it's very intriguing. He is great of magic and will grant you what it is you desire and place conditions upon that access to power. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences and calamity. Do you understand history? If you do, you can clearly see it.

On the other hand, the New Testament is the counter balance to the shadow of the Old Testament. Jesus Christ is the way and the light. He is the higher self. He is the externalization of the light within us all. His father Yahweh is the darkness from which Christ as the light comes forth. The two are the one, with Christianity teaching the triad by adding in the Holy Spirit so that the truth of the three is contained within the godhead. The Holy Spirit descends upon the human enabling them to share in divinity with the light and the dark thus forming a triad which is the basis for all coming forth in this world of duality. The Holy Spirit allows us to share in divinity.

The construct I laid out at the beginning of this post is trying to explain that you are divine and for a man in this dualistic world this divinity is the two brothers within. The sum of this light and dark comprises the essence of your appearance - your coming forth by day. You can sever this connection and play it small; in other words, be the ego that has something to prove. You can adopt the idea that you are small and insignificant in this vast universe and have to “make it."

Jesus will take on all our burdens; he will heal us and will die for our sins. He is everything you would expect your higher self to be. Jesus hangs out with the down and out, the whores and the thieves. This is us. It’s a clever way of saying within all of us is Jesus and he will befriend you no matter how degenerate you are. He will forgive you.

This understanding of the Old and New Testament, which is uniquely my own, has allowed me to reconcile with these world religions instead of dismissing them as patriarchal remnants of a superstitious past. As with all great belief systems, there is an exoteric and esoteric component within them all. The exoteric is for the masses who don’t have the spiritual acumen to make the connections to their inner world and power. The esoteric is marvellously hidden and is constantly unveiling its mystery the deeper you go. This is the exciting part of the journey in that it seems there’s always more.

working theories

I have two working theories to explain existence. I have labelled one of them the "Chicken or Egg" theory, and the other one I call "Pandora's Box." In the chicken or egg scenario, I surmise that we have dreamt this world into existence. I compare our world to the nighttime dreaming activity where conjured is a universe with a shady backstory. Elements appear in your dream and don't need an explanation. The same is true with the question, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Of course in a dream, it's the chicken. The chicken is just present, and there's no need to try and solve the riddle. Trying to solve the riddle is preposterous in a dream as there is no answer. We are led to believe that through evolution a chicken developed and at a certain point the female half could lay eggs and then there happened to be a co-developed male partner who could fertilize the eggs. I guess there's a chance it could have happened. My idea of having dreamt the world into existence and just magically made everything appear is more plausible. I mean I can do it in dreams, so the only buy in to make this an acceptable theory is to consider our existence a dream. That's it. Occam's Razor. No need for some convoluted evolution story. In addition, it explains the Great Pyramids on the Giza plateau in Egypt. I have been there and looked up at these majestic wonders and wondered how they did it. The blocks are precision cut and stacked. Just one block dwarfs a human. The plateau's bed has precision cut stone laid out beside each other. Inside the pyramid, there are megaton stones used as beams. How do you lift and move those monoliths? Egypt is worth a trip just to be amazed in person regarding these unfathomable structures. Anyway, in this first scenario these pyramids are easily explained. They just appeared and the act of trying to figure out how they were built is so confounding that it should be the case that it would lead you to believe this world is an illusion. The mystery can't be solved, so what is the probable answer? The rational response would be the pyramids were dreamt into existence.

My other theory, Pandora's Box, is also intriguing. Earth is a vortex that will suck the cosmic vagabond into its gravitational field through curiosity and desire. Earth is the great abyss of the universe. It's the big blue internment camp and the manifestation of hell. From a distance, hell looks like a nice place and the siren call of adventure calls out to the Odysseus in all of us. Humans develop a personality which plays into the whole game. We become hypnotized by the Earth game. It's like we are all Odysseus trapped on the mythical island of Ogygia with Calypso. Deep down in the subconscious we know it's a trap and that we are not free. When awakened and we get the chance to leave, some of us are like Odysseus who's longing for home was too great and eventually Calypso had to let him go.

Earth has had many come to experience its physical delights with the result always the eventual destruction of civilization. This goes back millions and millions of years. The spirit comes to earth and inhabits the material form of a species whether it be lizard, primate, or something else. The inherent intelligence of the new hybrid in time takes over the world and builds a civilization. Check out the mysterious antediluvian Nephilim in the Book of Genesis chapter 6 (New American Standard Version):

1 Now it came about, when mankind began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them,

2 that the sons of God saw that the daughters of mankind were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose.

3 Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not remain with man forever, because he is also flesh; nevertheless his days shall be 120 years.”

4 The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of mankind, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown.

Then an event destroys civilization and leaves a scant trace of their memory. In this case, it was the flood of Noah's time; however, a few survived this catastrophe.

5 Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of mankind was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually.

6 So the Lord was sorry that He had made mankind on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart.

7 Then the Lord said, “I will wipe out mankind whom I have created from the face of the land; mankind, and animals as well, and crawling things, and the birds of the sky. For I am sorry that I have made them.”

8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

In my theory when Earth's inhabitants are laid waste to, a universal warning is sent out to keep Pandora's Box closed. Leave it alone, but always someone is enticed, opens her box, and the cycle begins again until once again it is destroyed. I look at where we are now in our current predicament here on Earth. We are destroying the environment in the name of progress, and we have developed a means to destroy ourselves. I think that eventually someone will do it. Someone will drop that nuclear bomb and kaboom, it's done. Hell is laid waste to once again and a big galactic sign is placed in front of Earth. Do not enter. Eventually, the fall out of the blast will dissipate over millions of years and some poor soul will come back to this beautiful world.

This theory explains the unexplainable remnants of previous civilizations that would have built the pyramids. The act of building the pyramids out of stone which could survive the Earth's destruction was on purpose. They are meant to warn us of how this cycle is repeating. The destruction is baked into the cards. We know this from geological history where we can see it. We also know this from the great precession of the earth through the solar system which takes approximately 26,000 years. The astrological signs of the bull, man, lion, and eagle, warn us of the impending quarterly cyclical doom and they tie in with the planet moving through fields of space debris. You can even find the reference in the Book of Revelation chapter 4 in the New Testament (New American Standard Version):

6 and before the throne there was something like a sea of glass, like crystal; and in the center and around the throne, four living creatures full of eyes in front and behind.

7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second creature like a calf, the third creature had a face like that of a man, and the fourth creature was like a flying eagle.

The throne of God is encircled by the destructive tendencies of the zodiacal waypoints of Earth's journey through time.

The cosmic spirit didn't necessarily inhabit the body of a primate. Say for instance, the intelligence of consciousness was housed in a large reptile then the construction of the unfathomable becomes more explainable as opposed to trying to figure out how a human did it. My chicken or egg theory becomes a casualty of this scenario. But maybe not - it is possible that this cyclical dream and billions of year adventure I dreamt into existence as a pitstop on the road of eternity. I'm always existing in perpetuity, so why not make the most fantabulous dream, the greatest jigsaw puzzle ever made, and then insert myself into the puzzle. In addition, having this fantabulous adventure span an unfathomable amount of time. I'll really out do myself this time. Eventually, the timeline I have created will reach the end and all will dissolve back into the one eternal self of no self.

Oh Pandora! What a ride.

commuted

If you make near and dear friends in prison, then do you leave when your sentence is commuted? If your release from prison will hurt the ones you love, do you still do it or do you remain in prison with them? Maybe you leave so that they know to follow when it is their time. The weight on the heart must be great when you sense the truth and are shown the door to the freedom for which you have longed and waited while in chains.

The jailer and I are now friends. He has given me the key and I can leave if I want to. Why am I still here? I busy myself with attachments which mostly revolve around taking care of my responsibilities as head of a household. I keep involved with trivial matters in order to maintain a purpose. I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to extinguish the flame completely. I need a few things to light me up in order to stay invested. Greed doesn't do it anymore; I want to get rid of stuff. Food has become just a utility. Lust is cyclically interesting, but the attraction has run its course. I don't envy others as I know they don't know they are in prison. It goes back to the idea that you are in hell and how embarrassing it would be to find out you became famous in hell. Do I have pride? I take pleasure in a job well done. Ultimately, I know all will pass and to rest on your laurels is fools gold. I've never seen the purpose of rage and taking revenge on others. I have slowly learned to let it go and disengage. Do I want to head into the sunset of retirement and consume what is rightfully mine? Do I want to waste away while others serve me? I can't see that happening as being of service to others is where I have found anything that sustains a passion for life. I don't like the feeling of being a burden.

I just enumerated the seven deadly sins. They are a good guide towards understanding attachment and what keeps you in prison. The chance of fulfillment of desire is the drug that keeps you hypnotized so you don't see the bars on your jail cell. When you first see your chains, you will deny it. You will not believe it is so and run back to your master. Freedom is scary and will cause a great upset. Such a thing happened to me. I remember returning to work after scaring myself with losing my chains and feeling relief. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I felt I never should have gone exploring. Eventually, I returned to the perturbation of consciousness, again the veil was lifted, and this time I broke the spell.

I laugh because it's what I wanted though it causes the game to lose its meaning. I wanted to know, and the result was the purpose of the game evaporates. We are here to fulfill our desires. The carnival of the seven deadly sins allows us to get our fill. When you tire of the carnival you are free to leave. Chains are a device of your own making. You put them on, and you can take them off when you are ready.

I have walked the path back home and the garden of the heart is just up ahead. It's the next turn-off on the highway of life. What's left? I've gone through the gamut of possibilities, and I've seen the answer. To remain is to be of service in order to wake up and help the others who want to awaken. To lead by example and if someone is curious about the path then to offer help. No two paths are the same and so I can point someone in the direction that will lead them to the difficult truth, if that is what they seek.