wandering

I'm not lost in self. What I mean is I do a good job of being of service. I support a lot of people. I'm a good provider. I unselfishly give up my time. I'm a great dog owner. There's always more you can do and when you embark on the spiritual path you become inundated with calls to service. As Ram Dass would say, "How can I help?" It can be fulfilling though I have found I don't resonate with it. I like to help, but I don't go out of my way to be of service.

Will I reach nirvana with that attitude? That's very funny to me. The spiritual path is whatever you want to make of it. If you are expecting a reward, then you are going to be disappointed. This lifetime is a terrific opportunity to learn, and it was Jesus Christ who said ask and you will receive during his sermon on the mount.

Matthew chapter 7 (New International Version)

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

If you wander through life and hit upon something so unfathomable it consumes you then for sure at some point you are going to try and figure it out. Personally, I'm going to start asking questions. This is my story. The spiritual path led to some startling discoveries and either I have the definitive answer to this whole charade or my ability to make up a story is next level. So, I guess I should spill the beans.

Within me is the eternal masculine energy. I happened upon him when I first ventured into the Amazon jungle in search of the Great Goddess. I found her and she is my guiding light on this path. I also discovered him. I guess since I call her the Great Goddess then it's proper to call him the Great God. He scared me and I wanted him to let me be. However, the cat was out of the bag and because I'd surfaced him, he was going to harass me as a reminder to not stir that pot again. I was insistent on pursuing the Goddess and so that meant continually dealing with this other part of the equation. I was tested, threatened with death, and told to get lost. I transformed myself in that hellfire and proved I had what it takes to travel to places no one had ever gone before without succumbing to madness.

Over time we developed a friendship, and I was privy to secrets of the universe. I asked questions and got answers. Things really came to a head when I went to Peru this time last year. I drank really strong Huachuma every other day for a couple of weeks and reality came apart at the seams. I saw into the future. I was shown how the pyramid fit into my story and this story spans multiple lifetimes in multiple universes. These universes contain the constant of the pyramid as a reminder of the thread that binds all these creations as well as being a meeting point for the two main characters of the plot.

The two main characters are Goddess and God, bound by love and acrimony. I became part of the story and being a mortal avatar of God I accidentally succeeded in finding the Goddess who had been locked away for two milleniums. It was an omen that would lead to finding her mortal avatar. I did find her and since I believe in fairy tales, I thought we'd live happily ever after. We live separate from each other, and this divide is the cause of creation. This physical plane is the result of our divorce, and she has not forgiven me. She falls in love with me, sees the perfection in our union, and then can't help but notice the faults. I haven't changed. I'm still that garbage she tossed away many aeons ago. And so, she flees. I'm left here in a state of disbelief knowing I have lost her again.

I will have to start the full process over again. I fucked it up so now I must lay waste to this world because I don't think I'm going to get her back. I will destroy this world which I meticulously designed in order to one day get her in my arms again. I will dream another universe into existence and go through the prolonged process of winning her back. I know how to recognize her, my vibration is eternally within her, and I planted the seed of the pyramid, so she knows where to find me when she becomes curious once again. I am a master card player and know all the tricks to winning the game. The game never lasts, and the dragon returns to an unbearable loneliness once again, raging at an injustice that was of his own making, and perpetuated by the obstinacy of his divine partner.

Like I said, either I have the definitive answer to this whole charade or my ability to make up a story is next level. Does it have to be either-or?

conversations

I've been walking a spiritual path for a while now and I'm picky. I have a skeptical and contrarian bent so anytime I come across awareness of different avenues of beliefs I take them with a grain of salt. Such was the case with the new age idea of 5D consciousness. I rolled my eyes at this and dismissed it as woo. Recently, I became interested in the topic because of my regular use of tobacco snuff. Being an amateur scientist, I wanted to record and analyze what it was doing to me. I did the same with mapacho tobacco which I smoked regularly for seven years. All the while I smoked it, I let anyone who asked know that it wasn't addictive, and I could give it up at any time. It was true, I knew I could and earlier this year I gave it up. It was a sign directly from the Canadian government. When I purchased a large quantity of it, the import fees were staggeringly high. I surmised it's time to move on, and I had come across the practice of inhaling tobacco, so I followed the invitation to explore. As with most things in my life which I like, I indulged. I have a regular practice of ritually inhaling the snuff. At first it was exhilarating, and I marveled that it could get me to the same mind states as some of the heavier psychedelics I have worked with, albeit it was five to ten minutes tops in duration. Continual use of it allowed me to start getting some concrete ideas of what it was doing. The snuff takes me to a different consciousness plane and if I can quiet my chattering mind, I can hang out for a good five minutes.

To connect this back to the whole 5D consciousness thing, when I started getting an idea of what this was referring to, the parallels were obvious. My normal 3D consciousness would ascend the 4D tobacco ladder into the world of 5D. Interesting. It's an accessible and hidden form of consciousness we all have access to but most of us never realize it. Taking a psychedelic will put you there and when you are new to the experience it can cause a bit of a fright. Working with these accelerants of consciousness will empower within you the ability to explore and that's where I am on my journey.

I should have known there was some truth to the 5D thing because it is similar to my experiences with other modalities which at first I dismissed when I didn't know any better. A case in point is Tarot cards. Sure, it's entertaining and then can be a cause for introspection when you have a reading but it's just random chance. A light bulb clicked in me where I realized they only work if you believe they work. If you don't then it will be random. If you understand that the cards you will pull are what you are predestined to select then you grasp they are telling you the truth about the situation you are enquiring about. A way I can explain it is everything has already happened, and we are perpetually living in a now state where what we think is the future is just a rolled-up canvas unfolding before us. It's already baked into the equation of your life. The caveat is you don't know what is going to unfold and even though you don't have free will, you have the illusion of free will by way of ignorance. If you can get an oracle to tell you the future, then you can change the future so isn't that free will? No, because it was already predetermined that you would find a way to see into the future and then change your actions. Gotcha. Another way to look at it is the idea of the playwright. This superstar resides in the future, writes your story. and then you act it out. The screenplay has already been written and your acting abilities determine your fate. The idea of past, present, and future is thrown into disarray knowing conscious entities reside in these different vibrational states. A writer can re-write the past. Give that a good think.

That's a lot to digest! So, what am I getting at? Well, once I figured out the tobacco snuff was getting me into this plane of consciousness I was familiar with, I knew I could hang out with the familiars of the realm. My consciousness exploration invariably leads to the two luminaries - Goddess and God. I have other names for them, but this will do. I can converse with them once I arrive. I wanted them to teach me. I wanted to learn about love and magic. I'm learning about love through copious amounts of suffering. It hasn't been a fun time lately. I wanted the secret to magic. I brazenly asked for forbidden knowledge.

When I read and watch videos about 5D consciousness, and to be frank a lot of spiritual concepts, it is disheartening. It isn't pure. The word desire is used a lot. Practice these methods to get what you desire. That sounds very human and not spiritual. The same is true with primitive magic you come across in my travels into the Amazon jungle and Andes mountains. A sizeable number of people use plant medicines and rituals to get what they want - either money, love, health, or to injure someone they think is doing harm to them. When you become fascinated with shamanism it is strange to then read stories of sorcerers who do battle with each other for prestige and dominance. They cast magical darts at one another, and shamans are insistent upon protecting the ceremonial space from malicious entities and bad actors. This is all to say that when I asked for the secret to magic, I was laughed at. You're a mortal, you're not getting it. The way humans practice magic is through making a pact with an entity. Now, I could write a book about this, and maybe I will, but it is sufficient to say there are no human magicians. The magic comes from a different realm and is produced by an immortal being.

That sounds scary and it should be. The Devil is real and if you want to fulfill all your desires through magical means then he will make that happen for you, of course at a cost. It's the first line of defence that trips up greedy humans who have bad intentions. I pronounce myself of sound mind and body and will also tell you that I was offered all this, and I know of others who were offered the same. I turned it down at the time because I wasn't the least bit interested. I sought out plant medicines in my manic search to contact the Great Goddess. I got an inkling of her during my trip to Egypt and then I went looking for a way to find her. Coming into direct contact with her is the greatest thing I have ever accomplished in life and something I had no idea was possible. I entered this world of magic focused on her, and these other sideshows were a bother. My story is unique and so I sidestepped the offers of untold power and went my merry way of a content fool.

But like I said, I'm an amateur scientist so eventually curiosity would get the better of me and I'd start snooping around. I have no enemies in the world of spirits, and you are free to read between the lines of such a statement. When I started hanging out on the regular with Goddess and God and conversed about magic, they gave me some of the secrets. Her magic is in creating and love, his is in destroying and fulfilling your destiny which some may construe as desire. If you gain their trust, and remember you are human, they might give you access.

As an avatar of the Great God who is the master magician, I get a front row seat to his power. Like I said, I asked for that magic ability. I was laughed at because humans don't get that. You can make a bargain in exchange for it. In high spirituality we call it reciprocity because it makes us feel good about fulfilling desire. I'll exchange something in exchange for a boon. It's on the up and up.

I play a good character here on earth and have some skills. I can slow walk this guy into the grave and then return to the Master. That's one option if you're scared of adventure. Or I can keep bugging God for a piece of the pie. I look at my life and sometimes get tired of my character. I'm sensitive, get hurt easily, and that pain is hard to take. I'm a good boy and get upset by life. It really takes a toll. If I continue this way, I see trouble ahead, and I know the only way to sidestep that hurt is to be alone. It's my default and helps me process the pain. My intention is adventure. This means coming face to face with magic. So, what are we talking about here in terms of reciprocity? Give me the magic and I offer something in return. Let me have a think about that. Efficacious magic doesn't come through me, so I'd have to give up control of self to make it happen. If I give up my hold on self, then I don't want this. I have learned bargaining skills during my time on this strange planet.

I made a pact with my friend Parker to regularly write. Parker held me to the agreement. If you want to become a better writer and storyteller, you need to practice. My offering was to practice. God is a writer. The Logos is his word used to create out of thin air. The light allows his book of life to be read. When he needs to write another story, he prefers to do it alone and hides the mystery to come. The light is sacrificed by the darkness to allow this. I just gave you the secret to magic and you aren't going to believe me, so it's all good.

My spiritual path is based on the Great Goddess and her path of the heart. She continually teaches me, and it is a curriculum of love. That sounds awesome, right? Transformation is enacted through suffering and when it comes to love there's plenty of suffering to go around. Her magic creates the lesson plans for me, and I study, learn, and fail. It's the best way to teach the student. On the other hand, God intimately knows what I want. He knows what my desires are, and he intends for me to fulfill them. When I look back on my life of the last ten years, I see it clearly. The magic of Goddess and God are interwoven into the finest threads that clothe me. I am a product of their magic.

scientist

Knowledge comes into my sphere through psychoactive plants. My initial go to is to take this knowledge and spin it according to what I want to believe. This leads to inaccuracy and delusion. I am aware I do this and so I have quickened the process of understanding. The knowledge is shrouded in mystery and misdirection. It is a puzzle designed so you can figure it out if you invest time in it because you have the key. My latest adventure with plants revealed this process fully to me. A big takeaway was the addictive nature of plants. I realized I was drawn to tobacco. I don't have a dependency as I can stop without any cravings, but I do like the experience. The experience involves centring and communing with spirit. Spirit is a fancy term I use for vibration. I connect to the vibrational nature of existence. I can go up and I can go down. I find peace or I can let the four winds blow. This is what I seek and thus I was shown this when I went deeper into the psyche. My initial reaction was fear. I don't want to be dependent or addicted to anything. Deep down is the siren call of freedom. This inner defence is strong enough to keep me whole. I ran through all my favourites and gathered my wits about me. It's not the substance I'm wary of, it's the ones who provide the substance who are the perceived problem. A light goes on in the mind of the human when they see the monetary potential of these powerful substances. They turn service into business and focus on moving inventory. The plant substances being amoral, facilitate this desire. So, tobacco becomes highly addictive when used in this manner. Though users will always claim marijuana is not addictive, they will habitually use it. The intention of the seller is for you to return as a customer, and thus the perceived addiction. The plant is imbued with a vibration of greed and the user is implanted with this vibration. Depending on your level of mastery, this can cause problems.

My Apollo mind tends to investigate all which comes into my sphere. Tobacco snuff I was re-introduced to in Peru in January of 2023, and it was a powerful experience. The effects were short-lived, about a five-minute intense phase. I could feel the rush. As I have noticed when smoking mapacho tobacco, there is a rush followed by calm. Snuff has the rush come on in a hurry and is far more enveloping and powerful. When I returned home, I started using snuff regularly. At this point I have a good grasp on its effects. It is potentiating my vibration. The physical effects are obvious as I tremble throughout my body. The external effects are a stirring of the wind. This one is a mystery as I can't explain it, but it happens. The effect on my mind is multi-faceted. I can enter a stillness or have my mind race. The common feeling is that I have raised my frequency and levelled up a step of consciousness. There's a connection with my teachers. I can centre and enter into the heart space. As I come down from higher consciousness, there is a peaceful feeling.

My life I have carefully crafted into a state of calmness. I have been able to compartmentalize my anxiety about social situations, challenges, and the future so that I know how to not think about them. I limit my ruminations on the past or about people who have done me wrong. I tend to stay away from people because of the resultant drama which ensues. My life is peaceful, and my vibration's oscillation is tight. I'm not saying my vibration is low - I'm noting that I don't get high, and I don't get low. I mention this because of what I have noticed with marijuana. The effects on me are mild and I have wondered about it. Because of noticing what tobacco does to me, I finally realized the effects of marijuana. The scientist in me took a capsule of 5mg THC with 5mg CBD in the evening and then got my paper and pen ready. I felt my consciousness alter and a connection to higher wisdom and this connection became strongest about two and a half hours in. I wasn't impaired and didn't feel noticeably high but more of a cerebral feeling. Some tooth and knee pain became present and then went away. I took notice that marijuana is calming. It modulates the oscillation of your vibration. In my case, since my waves are calm the effects of marijuana are light.

The next day I went out into the woods after taking another capsule. This time I took notice of doing tobacco snuff along with the marijuana. I could feel the snuff increasing the oscillation making for a bigger wave as well as raising my consciousness, but the effects of marijuana tempered the usual experiences. The environment was calmer and more peaceful, and the wind stayed away. Interesting. I saw how people self-medicate with marijuana, especially if they have a great deal of anxiety. I realized why plant medicine retreats ask their participants to cease using marijuana at the retreat. Marijuana would inhibit the effects of plant medicines as it did for me here with tobacco. This also explained how a cause of increased anxiety would be the regular use of tobacco snuff. If you are already suffering from this condition, snuff will temporarily spike it. In my case, snuff is appealing because it forces me out of my malaise.

This knowledge and understanding ingrained in me what I have been taught about tobacco. The shamans tell us that tobacco is the master plant. It's the most important plant in their healing work. I understand why. Tobacco potentiates the effects of the other plants in the ceremony. Combining a medicinal plant with tobacco will activate and potentiate the healing. You can see the opposite where tobacco can be used to increase harm. If you abuse it for profit the greed will metastasize into cancer and kill your customers.

I cultivate mystery around my interests. People wonder about what I'm up to and think I might have gone mad. Magic follows me around. Despite all this I walk the road of research and experimentation. A scientist in search of understanding.  

it's all perfect

I stand before my Mesa and know it's all perfect. My overarching desire to be the eternal student is fulfilled when I listen to the Great Goddess and the Great God, all the while following the way of Ma'at. Ma'at is the ancient Egyptian expression of the natural order of things which flows. Ma'at is Tao. We perceive order as cyclical and our human minds rail against forces which impede this balanced procession. The ancient Egyptians were no different and denigrated those who would interrupt the march of eternity. The Pharaoh was responsible for upholding Ma'at - this was their chief concern. I honour what it is they believed as it was national in scope. What I mean is that they believed Egypt should always be the dominant power as part of Ma'at, and any interruptions to the flow would lead to upending the world order. In my thinking this was not true to the spirit of Ma'at. Natural order is not orderly at all, instead, within order is found a bedrock of chaos.

The chief culprit of disorder in ancient Egypt eventually was assigned to the god Set. Study of ancient Egypt reveals this was not always so as originally Set upheld Ma'at while in the sun-boat of Re. Chaos was the domain of the serpent Apophis who plotted to disrupt the voyage of the sun through the gates of the night. It was Set at the prow of the sun-boat who fended off the advances of nightfall and subsequent disorder.

Conversely, the power of Set as a separator was said to cause celestial eclipses which portend tough times ahead. Set was the god of the foreign invaders. When attempts at appeasement failed, the later dynastic rulers of Egypt along with the populace, tried to erase his memory from the monuments, not speak his name, substitute Thoth as a placeholder who ties the lands of Egypt together with Horus, and finally chased Set out of the land.

I suffer from lone wolf syndrome and what I mean is I take in knowledge, and I compare it to my own experience. I don't buy into anyone's system, chiefly matters of the divine. I respect everyone's path and choices; however, I won't be worshipping your god. I'll be curious about it and ask questions, but I've got my own treasure trove of understanding going on which has been accumulated over multiple forays into altered consciousness combined with an inordinate amount of study. With much conceit I will say that in my world I'm the number one theologian. I sit in silent arrogance.

A dependable world of order offers little fulfillment. A novel which lacks novelty is not a good read. A life which lacks challenge and adversity is boring. Drama makes the life journey compelling. Sure, we want to take a break from the rollercoaster, find peace, and plant our gardens, but eventually the siren call of adventure calls out to us. My life has been harangued by desires and wanting to fulfill these longings. The call to adventure has brought great upset into my orderly life. What I want I can get, and I don't factor in the consequences. The result of desire fulfillment moves the drama along and introduced is pain and suffering as an outcome. It's cyclical and passes, though the scars remain. Once your ship sails on through the tumult, the grace of understanding opens up to you. The Setian voice within whispers to me, "You wanted to suffer because this is the catalyst for what you really desire." If you want complete understanding of consciousness, suffering is going to be your guide. I'm not saying I'll ever figure this puzzle out 100%, but I'll go as far as I can before my game ends.

The divine wears many disguises and an understanding of this helps you when you encounter their many manifestations as part of the incredible consciousness journey. I used to get scared of the costume, now I smile. The Great God comes to me in a celebration of diversity. I alter my consciousness just a little and I connect. How will he teach me this time? I like it when he comes as Dionysos. I can connect my unapproved thoughts and feelings to God - how freeing is that? All the things you were told by society that are unwelcome as a pious and moral being in service to the divine are waved away with the wink of an eye. God gets horny? Cool. God is the alpha dragon and seeing the divine within allows you to merge with your latent divinity and you can guess at the result. Don't mess with me. Today he is Christ, teaching feminine principles of love and unity. If I can keep him externalized, he is my salvation. When you discover who you are it's a game changer, but you still play the game while others remain asleep and ignorant.

The Great Goddess shows me a love which I have never experienced and then she allows me to partake in an eroticism so charged with lust I lose my mind. As I fall for her deeply, she flips, and Medusa strikes. In ancient Egypt, her iconography is the cobra. I took my time figuring that one out. I was prepared for the poison so though it hurts and causes damage, I make it through the suffering and live to tell the tale. Pleasure and pain intertwine as she readies for the next lesson. It is in the suffering inculcated by the darkness of the feminine that I learn the most. When the poison clears, I have clarity on what caused the serpent to strike. The path of eternity teaches me these lessons she wants me to learn. The feminine is working through her own hurt and when we both find a path towards reconciliation, we will recombine into one. Is this in the cards for this story? Will there be a happy ending? I don't know. Perhaps a sequel will need to be written with an open-ended climax. Uncertainty surrounds our story, and thus the curtain will not fall on this production yet.

I'll keep writing. Life is a book that must be written as it goes, and it needs readers and actors. That's where we all come in. We all participate in the great drama of Dionysos. We read his divine poetry making this play come alive. I look forward to feasting, revelry, and much joy as we recount this tale and honour the eternal fairy tale. Pain and pleasure. Tragedy and triumph.

Thank you, Goddess and God.

go back to sleep

Some people aren't ready to awaken. They wake up. They see it. They get scared and want to go back to sleep. They get angry with the direct influence on their awakening. The one with the nodoze pills becomes the bad guy. They get scared of them. This person is the bad one. They can't go back to sleep. They get angry. They run. It helps for a bit, but the gnawing pain returns. They remain sick in a toxic society.

I learned that when you wake someone up and they have unfulfilled longings, the backlash can be severe. A pilgrim on the path can be totally invested in waking up until the reverse pull of the sandman gets to them. Once they go back to a light slumber, the resulting animosity can be swift and harsh. It's like a complete 180 degree turn on a dime is enacted and huge amounts of vile is tossed your way. I searched for an answer to why and came up with a bunch of plausible scenarios. I kept searching and I asked the Goddess for knowledge. She filled my cup, and I ran through it all. The sandman puts you to sleep but who is it that wakes you up? The Greek Eleusinian Mysteries of Demeter and Persephone point you in a solid direction. The Dionysian Mysteries gives you more clues. Dionysos wakes you to the drama and what a play it is! The Mysteries liberate you from society and cultural restraints. You were called to return to nature and the essence of your being. The corollary to this is exiting the life you have led up until now. It means leaving behind family and friends. Why should I trust Dionysos?

When you start the process of awakening it is scary and you want to run. It's understandable. I ran. The guardian at my gate was a scary motherfucker who told me to get lost. He threatened me with death if I returned. The stakes are high, and I had to be sure I wanted this. I returned to face him two years later and took my beating. I'm a warrior now. The problem is you started to wake up. You shouldn't have done it because when you try to abort the process, it will just get worse. You'll be left a confused mess. Everyone needs a wise figure at the gates who will inform you of the outcome. We don't have that in our society but ideally, they would counsel you against walking the path towards awakening. Turn back, go home, and live out your life. Once you roll over in your sleep and get up for a bit, you are not going back to sleep. You're fucked.

Imagine you can then externally place the blame on someone else? You don't have to take responsibility for the mess, instead point the finger at someone who whispered in your ear that there is another way. The anger and vitriol will get you temporarily through some of the challenges you face. The worst part is the gnawing feeling from within will never go away. There will always be something pointing you towards the path of awakening and it will rise at the most inopportune times in the most innocuous of situations.

What is the path of service? An effective use of your time is helping others awaken. This runs the risk of getting you beaten down. Now we're talking! For most of us, the path of service is a feel-good endeavour. We help others and see the positive changes in their lives. We did good and it's something to be proud of. What if your path of service is to rouse people from their slumber? They want it but aren't prepared for what's to come. The shit hits the fan, and they hate you. You help others and your reward is crucifixion. The lesson within the New Testament is startling. Jesus Christ is the preeminent agent of change, waking up untold multitudes. Jesus was straightforward about the tumult to come in your life. He told his followers they must be prepared to give up everything.

Luke 14 (New International Version):

25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said:

26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Of course, his message has been perverted and today's church isn't waking anyone up; rather it has just become another institute of societal control, but I digress. Jesus became so successful at waking people up, he had to go. He was mocked and scorned. He was nailed to a cross and left to die. The lesson is we as a society don't want to wake people up, so if that's your path of service, it's not going to be a fun ride.

I'm just a human doing this work. I'll always be here to help you. It's what I do. I can wait.