conversations on the edge

Ideas come into your head.

You watch them flow by.

Meditation is Tao practice.

Ideally, you let ideas go by.

You don't engage.

That's hard to do because the way you think you don't engage is by making a choice to deny it.

When you deny something, you increase the friction and intensity.

You acknowledge it, lessen the friction, and it moves on.

That would seem to be the correct choice.

If you must pick between the two, acknowledgment would be preferable to denial.

However, you make a choice.

Meditation teaches you to watch the idea in your head float on by.

Are you not deciding to do that?

Yes.

So, how do you make that decision?

You deny the thought and then you acknowledge it.

This creates the middle.

The middle allows for the flow.

There's not a correct order.

You could acknowledge the feeling and then deny it.

The important thing is to do both and then let it go.

If you were given the suicide test where those thoughts kept occurring, you would do both to pass the test.

Naturally, when you first get the thought of suicide, you deny it.

When you keep denying it, it will grow stronger.

When you acknowledge it, it will return to balance.

Some people will call that weakness.

They think you should never give in.

The weakness just makes the vibration less and it returns to balance.

Everything is always waiting for you to grab onto.

Everything is always within your perception and grasp.

Everything floats by.

You choose what to grab onto.

You choose what thoughts you want to populate your world.

The more attention you give those thoughts, the more they start occurring as synchronicities in your world.

If they get too much then you start to... well, this is tricky.

You either acknowledge or deny them.

If it's because you've been denying them that these things start showing up in your world, then you must acknowledge them.

If you've been wanting too much of a good thing and increasing that want, it is going to get out of control so then you must let it go.

This is how you create cycles.

For some people it becomes a cycle of addiction.

Crave and then deny.

When you get them in balance then you can watch it float on by.

Tao goes deep.

That answers the suicide question of why it keeps popping up.

Because first I denied it and then I started acknowledging it.

You're acknowledging it and having a laugh because you realized how magic works.

Yes, so, I'm acknowledging it therefore it keeps coming up and I should let it go.

Yeah, you must be disinterested.

I must let it run its course.

I must let the vibration peter out.

I must let the song's hook acoustically tire me.

Or, have the sirens let go.

It's beautiful music as it fades out.

If you keep thinking about a subject it will be expressed subconsciously and consciously.

The dog gave you a purpose.

That's what spurs that idea in your head.

You lose a purpose.

That negative triggered an idea of suicide.

You must build it out for other purposes.

Yeah, I did but I thought I was going to lose that purpose as well.

There are lots of purposes and promises you can have today.

You can add them to your life.

Yeah, I see that one.

I do like not having a purpose.

Yeah, what a pleasure!

I don't know, pleasure can be a purpose.

Don't let go of ideas before their time.

Let them run their course and then let them go.

The one you want to come back, will come back.

Don't hang on to an idea that's past its time.

This is the wisdom bomb.

Who are you?

The voice inside your head.

Subconscious.

Your dual nature.

The ones who take care of you.

Isn't that the Goddess?

Yes, she's in charge of us.

That's why you let her be dominant.

She's in charge.

She hires your dual nature to control you.

They plant ideas in your head.

The idea of a plant is that they're from the Goddess.

The plants, oh I get it.

The Goddess is implanting words in the writer's head.

Am I getting this clear?

That is how it works at that level.

When it filters down into all other areas of consciousness do you see how amazing it works?

The ideas you witness going by in your head, especially with meditation, are words implanted by the two scientists within, hired by the Goddess.

Fuck, that's crazy enough to be interesting.

That's like clever crazy.

You wrote this.

I did, right?

I wrote that the Goddess could insert words into my head that I'd never write.

Everything's her fault then.

Stop blaming me.

Support me because all the calamities in this world are because of her.

All the love is from her too.

Just be aware this is all her fault.

She puts words into my head.

I invented this concept called meditation.

With meditation, you'll eventually learn about these words that are in your head.

If you get far into the book of life, it'll explain to you that these words are implanted by the Goddess.

Nobody gets that far.

I know, but you created meditation so that people will discover this.

Pretty clever, right?

I'm the best meditator.

I won the meditation thing.

I didn't even try.

I didn't care.

I thought meditation was well, not stupid, but I didn't see the purpose.

I gave my grand speech about it last night where I described it and then I said it's just one big cheat, follow your breath and hypnotize yourself, but it does have its uses.

Today, I figured it out.

I figured out its biggest use.

It lets you see the words that are being implanted in your head.

It's a magic spell.

Now you know how her spell works.

Women plant words into your head and try to get you to act on them or not.

They want to see what you're going to do.

Within, I then weigh the pros and cons of doing something.

I wrestle with the decision.

And then like a clown, I do nothing.

I tell them I'm going to do nothing.

I laughed so hard it sounded like crying.

The woman on the bike who it sounds like she's crying, she's laughing.

She saw how absurd everything is and it drove her crazy to where she is now mentally.

She rides a red tricycle around the neighbourhood.

She's so gone, she just laughs.

If that's true, it's funny.

It's true if you believe it.

Believing it will not make it true.

Believing it will make it real.

Real isn't true.

Reality is just what people believe.

So, here's the deal: she's going to plant words in your head.

Don't deny any of them.

They are the stories you are going to create.

Okay, wait a minute, the words she's planting in my head are the lust drug.

Yeah, tell the story.

She must give me that lust drug for me to write stories.

Lust as motivation.

As the writer, I only write because she gives me the words.

Yes, and then you give the story back to her after you write it.

That's how she's winning.

She has the words, and she has the story.

You're left with nothing.

Oh, I still have my abilities.

Yeah, but you need words.

You have a point, but eventually she will run out of stories.

When she runs out of stories, she has a bunch of words, but no stories.

How the fuck is she gonna get a story without a writer to organize the fucking words?

She can't unless I do it.

She'll get Artificial Intelligence to do it.

AI needs a dick.

Without a pen, the Goddess can't have her stories.

There's no way around it.

Though she wants to eliminate men and win, she finds that she needs him.

These are good stories.

You must balance them with the naughty ones.

They are both good.

If you follow the breath, you will be a great meditator.

You'll never learn what meditation is for, but you'll get exceptionally good at it.

That's a paradox.

Meditation leads you to the words.

The words will make you wonder who's making those words.

The clues in your existence about women will make you realize who is putting those words in your head.

Then, if you understand the meaning of life, you can piece it all together.

You're the chief of the fools.

She gives you the words.

You know what she's doing.

You write what you want to write and fool her.

She doesn't know that you know she's giving you the words.

She does now, she's in my head.

It's subconscious at most levels.

She's mind fucking you.

You mind fuck her back.

That's one way to create balance.

The relationship can work.

ambrosia

Hang out on the edge of lust.

The feeling is indescribable.

The most intense one yet.

Then it got a little bit ruined.

Because you like the ruin.

You like a little bit of pain.

We have it all for you here at lust's bend.

The cyclical farce of the spiritual trip leads back to the sexual.

To sit in bliss and rapture is to taste the ambrosia of the gods.

To be divine and watch the drama of Dionysos unfold with your cup of lust in hand offered freely by the Great Goddess.

I now understand meditation so you can observe the pleasure.

The spiritual man eventually folds in on himself, back to a state of primal bliss, with not a care in the world.

I sense the shortcuts to a taste of bliss through narcotics are meant to tempt and destroy.

The natural way to this realm of ecstasy seems to be the goal of the spiritual trip that is well hidden from view.

With narcotics, the siren call leads to your demise.

I know the way in with stories.

Maybe a good story is the ultimate drug?

It's a combination of the divine feminine and masculine.

The feminine has the lust drug and the masculine writes the story.

Together, they are what you are looking for.

I see why the adepts ran away up the mountains and became hermits.

The holy sect wanted to go into rapture for as long as possible.

The distractions of civilization will constantly bring you out of the state of pleasure, so you find a place on a mountain where you can be alone for weeks at a time.

It makes sense now.

We think they are in communion with the divine.

They are spiritual jerk offs.

It is a state of bliss.

It is a state of indescribable pleasure.

It is communion with the divine that is highly sexual and that conflicts with my notions of the divine.

I must let my preconceived ideas fall away.

My stories take me there and then I must let them go and stop the play, so I can just sit with pleasure.

The tempting aspect is finding the story that does it for you, takes you to the edge, and then you wonder, is this the story I will act out in my life?

Can I then get double the pleasure?

From this you see pathology, fetishes, and the unexplainable explained, though I'm not sure the victim of lust is aware of what's going on.

I have awareness.

I see how powerful this lust drug is.

You were supposed to be spiritual, and you ended up sexual.

It's because they're both the same.

If you take the spiritual path full circle, it becomes sexual.

a perfect three

Lust.
Eros.
The Roman Cupid.
The ancient Egyptians called him Ihy. The perfumed essence who drips off the Great Goddess Hathor. He is her child. The jackal of light, born in the east, who comes forth as a turbulent bull. The son of the gold.

The secret is Tao.
Tell me about it.
There's really nothing I can say.
Either you know or you don't.
If you don't know Tao, you're onto something.
Nobody knows Tao.
Tao is nothing.
Can you worship nothing?
That would be prudent.
However, that's going too far.

Mary births Jesus as the light.
Eros is the child of God and Goddess.
He's the word of God.
As the light, he is Apollo.
He has a bit of Dionysos and Apollo in him.
He seems to be God in the flesh.
He comes from the Goddess.
He's got a little bit of her in him as well.
Are you still trying to figure this out?
The moon, sun, and the egg.
Easter.

If you called Tao vibration and said that vibration is Eros, you also know that Eros is just one of three.
There's two other principles that this universe is founded on.
Love, lust, and vibration?
Light, dark, and everything in between.
Everything in between is the result of Tao.
How about male, female, and baby?
If man and woman do nothing there is no baby.
If there is no baby, Tao is not active.
The baby is lust and resides in the future.
Tao goes from being in the future to the present.
We call it the birthing process.
If Tao is not active, everything is balanced.
Man and woman coming together is doing something and it creates an imbalance.
Is the imbalance a perfect three?
The imbalance is the activation of Tao in the present.
All of creation must work to get back to balance.
That's clever.

Tao is a perfect duality.
Tao encompasses the two extremes and puts them in the middle.
If the two extremes are man and woman then the baby Eros is in the middle.
So, you're saying Tao is Eros?
He's a manifestation of Tao.
Eros would be a way to see how balanced they are.
The middle way.
Always.
How do you get to the middle?
By juggling the two.
It opens in the middle.
The two extremes make a middle.
Without the extremes, there's no middle.
The middle was always implied.
The two extremes needed to come together.
They make a middle.
The implication is that the middle is the future.
The separation of the two is the past.
Together, they are the present.
See how it works?

consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

just a little peak

Going to sleep every night is reaffirming the hypnotic spell you are under. You are put to sleep through hypnosis, and you are awakened through hypnosis. You are mentally put to sleep during physical wake periods. During physical sleep periods the mind is unleashed. The spiritual awakening is figuring out how to mentally awaken while physically awake. This is the challenge. The process takes a while and if successful results in maybe you are sitting at a computer and writing it down. When you start to awaken there are others who will try to put you back to sleep. They can be tricksters who are challenging you or they just want to keep this domain all for themselves. I'll give them a shoutout, you know who you are. For the man, mastering the awakening in the physical realm is how you go to God. Your life may fall apart around you, however the fruit is there for you to pick.

The opposite is possible where physically you go to sleep and mentally you go to sleep at the same time. A way to describe this is you stop dreaming. This is the domain of the dead atheist. You have no beliefs, and you stop dreaming. It's over. Sounds bad, right? It could be as if it's annihilation of your character. Alternatively, you embrace non-dualism and return to the all.

You see, dualism is all about dreaming and stories. Keep the story alive and you will live forever. We all love stories. What if you tire of the story? The divine playwright makes them fresh and new, so you don't tire of them. He wants to entertain you. He is the great hypnotist. Can the great hypnotist hypnotize himself? So far, no. I can only get so far before admitting it is a spell. I'll let it go for a bit, but I always snap out of it.

What's the endgame?

There is none. I won't make a choice. My lack of decision making ensures the perpetuity of existence. By not making a choice, I'll choose both. My story will continue when my current character ends. I'll honour my word and words and see those I want to see in the next world I create with my words. I won't create Karma I can't recover from by forcing anything. I read the Tao Te Ching over ten years ago and I knew it was the greatest book I had ever read though I didn't really know why. I just said it was. Lao Tzu revealed the strategy to win the game. There's no stopping me. I am going to win by doing nothing.