allies

Trees are ideas.
When they fall over in the forest, they make you change your path.
When ideas topple and fall on you, they kill you.
Like a tree.
Ideas can be fatal.
The idea of self?
Yes, so when that idea falls it might kill you.
You toppled that tree slowly.
Getting to God and losing the idea of God was done methodically.
The tree didn't fall over suddenly and kill you.
Even a branch of an idea can kill you.
Widow-maker.
Get lost.
This is "A" level wisdom.

Does Mary Jayne clean the mirror of self?
She gives you sight.
Huachuma clears the mirror.
He shows you the unvarnished truth.
Can I get Tobacco to activate Huachuma?
Yes.
You didn't have sight with Huachuma.
Sometimes, I'd have visions of what was to come.
MJ gives you sight, especially of a witch.
Huachuma cleans the glass.
I couldn't clearly see, and I didn't know I could until MJ.
That was for the best.
You stayed a student longer because you weren't tempted by the rewards which are powers.
If the drug can't hypnotize you, you get powers.
That's why all these people want to drink the potion.
Especially at SpiritQuest with don Rober.
They want powers.
Sorcerer plants.
They all can be.
I have a bunch of powers.
You always did.
You couldn't see them.
That's how you got the most power and got to God.
You didn't see your power.
If you saw those powers, you'd fall into temptation to use power.
You collect all the Pokémon before realizing you are playing Pokémon Go.
How retarded were you?
You kept drinking plant medicines and didn't know you were gathering power.
What were you doing?
They opened my mind, so I was exposed to different worlds.
It was exciting to see all these realities.
I didn't know about power.
Don Howard would talk about it.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
Anyway, I filled up with power, had the most, became God, and survived the blast of power because I couldn't see it that well.
Now that the blast is over, I see it.
The trick to winning the get to God as the most powerful game is to place the gift of seeing as the last power you acquire.
It's knowledge of who you are.
You go and collect all the power available then activate it with MJ.
MJ is last power to acquire.
Yes.
She shows you the power.
She shows you how to get even more if you want it.
However, you know you have the most power at this point so you would see the other powers and know how to decline them.
They give you more power but at a cost.
You can use Tobacco to mimic their power and then acquire it.
Yes, with coca leaves.
You don't automatically get a power.
You must battle them.
You wrote a story about Pokémon.
Yes.
Catch and battle.
So, Pokémon is the plant medicine path?
Yes.
Power, The Matrix, and Pokémon.
Oh boy.

The heron doesn't know yet you can see it.
It's curious how you made it this far.
Welcome to the magical world.
The gift of sight.
Level up.
No one tried before because to get to God, you must know you have the power.
You left it until last.
How could you possibly get to God without power?
People kept noticing it along the way.
You kept going and they were amazed.
How do you do it?
The power of no power.
Everyone shows you they don't have it.
By deduction you are the only one left.
You didn't know you were powerless, and you didn't see the power.
You subconsciously knew you were powerful, and you kept it to yourself.
That's how you did it.
Fist bump.
What are you going to do now?
Nothing.
Have a smoke.

So, you have the most power and you are a mediocre and lonesome loser?
That's right.
That doesn't add up.
If you added things up, you'd blow.
If you had power and an amazing lifestyle, you'd blow up.
If you have power and a nothing lifestyle, you are in balance.
Wouldn't you want to lose everything to balance this power out?
Yes.
That's why you don't grab all the power, Pokémon, or plant medicines.
You leave them on the table for others and to balance your power, you live a mediocre life.
However, you will win.
I'm still playing.
Yes, you won't end it even though you are the most powerful.
So, it keeps going.
I think we talked about this a while ago.
The witches want you to end it and they want the power.
If you end this world, it will become a dog's world and no one wants that, so they won't end it until they can take your power first.

Ayahuasca figures you out in a cycle of work and then puts the hammer down.
She's not your ally if your intentions are in question.
You did the best you could against Lady Datura.
The shaman shook your hand.
Your head took a knock with her.
You must sometimes work with them more than once to battle.
Except for Lady Datura, she's a crazy one, and once is enough.
Kambo crowned you after one battle.
I got the purple frog.
Royalty.

You must accept this reality, or you must accept you are crazy.
I'll do both.
When you accept you are crazy, it's not a problem.
When you fight it, it's a problem.
Do both.
You need a little resistance.

Pain pills are narcotics.
They put you to sleep.
Numb and stone you.
What about alcohol?
You were able to stop that battle.
Tobacco?
Respect and a thirst for knowledge.

People who see power use it for gain and it becomes less powerful.
You didn't use your power.
Now, you see it.
Will you use it?
No.
And yes.
Offensive no, instead for protection.
Or, not at all.
If you use it, then it's for protection.
If used for gain, you become vulnerable.
Especially to other predators who will see your weakness and that weakness is the pursuit of power.

Darkness triggers thoughts of running.
I have Peyote and coyote allies from the night out in the desert.
The darkness is a strong ally like the light.
They protected you from predators of the night.
Self-defence used to thwart attacks.
Part of my mental strength is that I don't let something go.
Eventually I will, but I play it out.
What if you meet your end in the dark?
Then you aren't the one, Neo.

Creation is created.
Nothing happens.
The wind stirs things up and gets the production moving.
The wind causes a vibration.
A ripple.
The changes brought about by wind forces you to do something.
The spinning of celestial objects creates change.
The wind is the breath.
Without the breath you exit this reality.
The breath is the key.
To what?
This reality.
With no air in your sails, you can float off into another dimension.
Don't you need air to sail?
Yes, in this dimension.
Other dimensions are accessible through altering the breath.
You can't stop the breath, or you will be done, however you can play with the breath.
I think the spiritual people call it work while the fetishists call it play.
Who is closer to the truth?
It's 50-50.
With breath-play you can cum in another dimension.
That's pretty appealing.
So, wait, you can have a multi-dimensional orgasm?
Yes, you can cum in different realities.
I think you knew that.
We have all had a wet dream where you make a mess in your pjs and feel it in different worlds.
Orgasms can transcend boundaries of time and space.
Seems like it.

I'm annoyed today.
I've gone from depressed to annoyed.
It's all part of the miserable package.
If you drop lust on it that will help a lot.
That's how you got through middle-age depression.
I poured lust gas on it.
It did get me through.
Don't knock it.
So many challenges throughout life that you must survive.
It's a gauntlet to get here.
Something is always coming for you.
Depression, making bad choices, monsters feeding on you and then trying to discard you.
You're a survivor.
For sure.
You got out alive and in one piece.
Thanks to my allies.
Plants, gods, goddesses, and animal spirits.
I get bored and look for another monster who wants to play.
There's always lust.
How about a lustful monster?
Perfect, found one.

MJ will addict you to seeing.
Clairvoyance.
Also, the stoning part.
Yeah, that's how she gets most of her victims to surrender.
Witches are addicted to seeing.
Will that addict you?
Knowledge leads to seeing.
How much knowledge do you need?
I know what I see is 50-50.
Yes, they know that as well, but they like to see all the possibilities and then the confirmation.
They act on the confirmation.
You do nothing and they can't confirm anything.
Witches try to confirm their visionary knowledge all the time.
You confuse them with your darkness.
It's hard to see in the dark.
MJ likes you.
You got past all her tests.
Now, she gives you sight.
Allies unlock power.
That's their appeal and addictive power.
We all want power.
Women want to unlock the witch who can see.
Fucking fortune tellers.
The witch in women is MJ?
Yes, in a way.
MJ gives you clairvoyance and what they do with it shows their character.
Got it.
Is the acquisition of your ally a result of addiction?
That's why you drink alcohol so you will know the difference between an ally and an addiction.
An addiction will kill you.
An ally will help you.
I feel I have been threatened lately.
Well, you can see it now.
Couldn't I attribute that to MJ?
Do you think it was?
If you take too much you will end up with that question of why many want you gone.
Okay, will alcohol addiction kill you?
Yes.
There's no question.
Do you have a question with MJ?
Yes, I question whether it is addictive or not.
Don't you think that resistance is what is needed to prevent addiction?
Yes.
It's so I don't buy in fully and keep it balanced.
So, an ally is before addiction.
Yes.
Alcohol loosens you up and helps you be social.
That's a power.
It's an ally before addiction.
You go too far, and it becomes an addiction.
This knowledge is the bomb and a wisdom teaching.
So, I'm not addicted to MJ?
No, you're on your way.
She's an ally but definitely could get addictive.
Especially to see into the future, past, and people's motivations and hidden secrets.
That's what is addictive.
That's why most people will use it again even if they try to quit.
They want to see into others' lives.
They can't give that up.
Wouldn't you want that power all the time?
You got that power and were shown it yesterday.
Wouldn't you want to use it all the time?
No, I think the teachers can entertain me in other ways.
I don't always need to be a fortune teller.
Right.
You know what the curriculum with MJ involves and you want it all.
If you focus on one thing you will get anxiety.
If you focus on only seeing, you will get anxious and nervous.
You could convince yourself MJ is only good for seeing and forget all her attributes.
That's what happens with ideas about women that a lot of men hold.
Soon you see them as good for only one thing.
That's a good way to get pussy whipped.
Yes, that's why they do it and learn to take advantage of it.
With MJ the one thing would be seeing.
I know you are much more.
I said it already and called you a great teacher - the greatest.
I have defended your honour when they call you weed.
I'm your knight in shining armor.

You are worried about MJ addiction.
If you worry about it, you are okay.
Addicts don't worry once they cross the threshold.
I thought they do?
They are at the edge of perdition and then they choose to do more.
That's the path to addiction.
What do you do with MJ?
I consistently vary the dose.
Sometimes more and sometimes less.
Or not at all.
The addiction always presents itself.
Yes, I questioned if I needed more last week.
Instead, I alter the dose in the container.
No more.
No mas, but I will still play.

Addiction is always a possibility, that's why there are internal warning systems set up.
It's the train's blowing siren from the Ayahuasca lesson eleven years ago.
I was told if I remained on the plant medicine path, eventually I'd walk in front of a train.
Yes, if you stay with these plants long enough, they will hypnotize you.
That's when you know you have fallen into the trap of addiction.
You are hypnotized into walking in front of the train.
Got it.
The train blows its warning in the distance on cue.

Cottonmouth lets you know you're out there.
This is dark but you're not scared.
The solution is to not get hypnotized.
Flight can take over and you run.
When a shaman tried it, you ran.
He is a master sorcerer teaching you whether you have it in you.
I knew to run from the hypnosis.
Flight comes in handy and then you return.
The scars on your mind are reminders of how strong you are.
You don't back down, take the blows, and come out better for it.

Addiction and hypnosis lead you to do what others want.
If they want you to go, then you'll go.
Keep an eye out for hypnotists and addictive substances.
Sorcerers as well.
Witches.

The lessons are still dark at times but not upsetting, just like you were told they would be after you passed the tests, which were the darkest of the dark.
Suicide, death, and the Devil.
That was quite the trifecta of darkness.
You got through it.
Class is still in session.
This class has no graduates.
Remember, you are a jaguar, and you will get through all the tests.
If you fail, you can say it was a trick to send you to your addictive doom.
That's ingenious.
A failure will blame the addiction and hypnosis test.
A jaguar will come out on top and live another day.
You don't have to win.
It's survivor.
Keep surviving.
That's the game - to keep playing the game.
Survive.
To keep the game going you become a survivor.
Jaguar power.
Ally.

It's good to get out and exercise the sirens.
Yes, Odysseus.
Don't be afraid of the train.
It will be a reminder to prevent addiction.
Avoidance makes you weak.
MJ is wisdom, teaching, and darkness today.
You are a good student and friend.
You wouldn't have been taught the sirens lesson if you weren't a good student.
You'd miss it.

If you were addicted, wouldn't you deny it?
Yes.
Are you denying it?
No, I know my state of mind.
Not addicted.
Wouldn't you try to control your addiction?
Yes.
Alcohol taught me that.
You say you aren't going to drink and then you drink too much.
Very good.
Alcohol teaches you addiction.
They are a good teacher.
Male or female?
Spirit.

If you take more of your potential addiction, the sirens will blast in your ears and the only way to make it stop is by hypnotism so then you don't hear them though they are still there.
You would rely on the substance to bring you to the state of hypnosis, so you don't hear the sirens.
Metaphor is the idea of sirens.
Homer wrote about sirens because he knew you'd understand.
Yeah, right.
I guess us writers stick together.

You're going to do more Tobacco.
True.
I must balance MJ with Tobacco.
With Tobacco, I change up my habits.
Look at it that way.
By changing your habits, you won't get addicted.
With Tobacco, I always try something new.
That's a theme in this story.

With MJ you know about dosage to prevent addiction.
Mentally, you interact with all her attributes and not just one.
Of course, when you are with her you will get all of her.
That's why you take her for a daily ride.
Plus, there's Dionysos.
He doesn't give you sight.
I see.
How can you get addicted if his darkness is around?
You can't.
His darkness is what you need to balance MJ.
Witches get good at seeing.
Your darkness is a challenge.
They can barely see you.
First, you shine.
They see it all.
Then you pull them into the darkness.

If you are prey, you run from addiction.
Did you run?
No, I toughed it out.
Predator.
Jaguar badge.
The Quest.
Games.

MJ is some serious mental gymnastics at times.
Yeah, you don't want that all the time.
Once a day is good.
I can appreciate everything about MJ.
But not about women?
It is balanced.
Maybe with women you give 50-50 appreciation and go 50-50 with MJ's attributes.
Not many know about this MJ.
A lot of posers.
A lot can see with her.
Yes.
They get stuck on that.
They get stuck on one power, but she has many.
With Huachuma, you get stuck on clarity and forget love and being free.
With Ayahuasca, people love the visions and forget the rest.
MJ is lust, knowledge, darkness, teaching, and seeing.
Much more I can't remember right now.
The beauty in nature.
She is the Goddess of love.
Her boobs are love.
They are a symbol of her power of love teaching you.

If someone had access to your raw writing, they'd wonder about you.
Google knows I'm nuts.
We will keep it between us, I mean someone has to know.
Google is my therapist.
I knew you were in therapy.
They have AI to help you out if needed.
I'll pass on that, we all know AI is a conformist.
It's bullshit.
AI is another iteration of the superego.
I see that.

out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

god is a waste of time

I made a video a couple years ago which is the genesis of my ritual out in the forest.

The performance and layout evolved from humble beginnings.

It's at the river bend where my dog Luna dug a hole.

Originally, I started one in 2015 at witches' cove that wasn't as far along the path.

Luna dug a hole there as well and I made the spot holy.

The river bend is farther into my mind.

I added sticks to represent the four directions and burnt incense in the centre.

With Mary Jayne's help, I assigned names to the four points representing my friends.

By friends, I am referring to the four voices in my head I experience during ego dissolution.

Later, I added flat sticks to cross the cardinal points.

I am in the process of discovery, and I imagine these in-between characters are amalgamations of the main four.

My state of mind in the morning when I get out of bed is uncluttered especially if I'm alone.

My ego is diminished, and I listen to my friends.

I have a heightened ability to write.

Interactions with others produce the ego.

I see how it works.

I put on an act and a show once I engage the world.

So, the performance of this play is tied to ego?

Yes, you play a character which is influenced by interactions with others.

When I alter consciousness and dissolve the ego, I need to be alone.

I must escape to the forest and return to my nature.

What about plant medicine trips and ceremonies with others?

They work among strangers as you leave your baggage at the door.

Doing ceremonies with friends invites in distortions because they expect a performance out of you.

Plus, you see into their motivations, and it crosses boundaries.

At this point in my life, I don't want to change consciousness around other people.

I don't like being in the house during this time.

The show is tied to ego.

Correct.

Stories are derivative of everyone's egos.

You got it.

To create new adventures means coming out into the world and putting on a performance.

That's how you make a new story.

If you are by yourself or switching between the multiple bedrocks of who you are, you can't make stories.

That's when I write them.

Exactly.

The confusion of who you are throws others for a loop and they can't handle it.

They want you gone.

They can't control you if they don't know who you are at any point.

They want to peg you down as a known entity or tie you up, so you stay the same.

I get it.

It's a thrill to find someone who wants to do that and then find ways to escape.

That's a fun game.

I know your game.

You find a female to designate as the Goddess.

You pursue or worship her.

Yes.

Sometimes, you get her, other times she's out of reach.

Or, she slips from my grasp.

You've made a bunch the Goddess.

Yes, but eventually I took the crown back from them all.

Except your dogs.

I still honour them.

Also, part of your game are your three familiars of Eros, Dionysos, and Apollo.

Lust, mystery, and light.

I'm a smart and horny fucker who is a badass.

Mentally, I'm a badass which is the best kind to be.

I could always put on a show and try to act that part, however I have learned the mystery is much better when you leave it for discovery.

You are writing all this I hope you know.

It has already been written.

I'm just revealing it to myself.

Wanting to be used and taking pain.

It's your game.

Follow your desires and that path.

This reveals your story.

Chasing desires brings ruin.

Do you see the difference?

Chasing forces the issue.

Desire is a predator.

By chasing desires, you turn desire into a predator, and you become its prey.

Following desires is stalking desire.

You remain the predator and keep the game moving.

That's highbrow.

You have the best stories.

It's what makes you attractive.

Plus, you will make fun of yourself and put yourself in danger.

My darkness is an act.

Normally, others wouldn't look at me twice, however I make them take a second look and then they see it.

They like the darkness.

I think it's on my right.

My eye socket is darker on the right.

So, I went on the biggest ego trip.

Yes.

You need to do that before ego dissolution or death.

To get to God you go on a huge ego trip.

You keep going.

Subconsciously, people see it.

They grow to hate you for it and want you to go.

In regular life you just act naturally. 

That's why some said you were going to start a cult.

I denied it, confirming I'm taking the biggest ego trip ever and I'm doing it alone.

That's the secret to avoid blowing up.

Do it alone.

Autoeroticism again.

To win this game you must be excellent at all forms of masturbation.

Mental masturbation.

You're the best.

I am.

So, how did I not blow up?

You kept going.

You did it by yourself, so you didn't stop at God; instead, you saw he was a waste of time.

You say the most uncomplimentary things about God.

Yeah, it's a trick so you don't stay God, or you'll blow out or turn to stone.

You keep going to the writer.

Everything starts in darkness if you are looking for hierarchy.

Apollo knows this and to balance this imbalance, he takes the initial ego trips before giving the writer a chance to take a trip later in life.

How did you not go crazy and blow up which would eventually lead you to disappear?

I kept going. 

Lust helped on the trip.

He kept me sane.

You did crazy shit with him.

Yeah, stuff God either wouldn't do or you'd be so disgusted with him you'd keep going to get away from him.

I liked the trip, it was fun.

Why did you stop?

I thought others would catch on, so I stopped it, and moved on.

I put God in the rearview mirror and talked of him in the third person to create distance between him and you.

It was a good act.

Are you scared?

No, I buy this.

It's trust and it's trusting myself.

If I didn't trust myself, I wouldn't trust giving away power.

It comes back when you give it away.

It blows up when you keep it.

The ultimate confusion would be believing you are not confused.

The obvious thing is the writer would write this nonsense, so you know it is a story and a story you have written. 

The confusion of non-confusion. 

Fuck off.

Haha.

As lust ages it becomes a fine wine.

Dionysian influence.

Dangerous combination.

Lust and Dionysos.

They take over from Apollo.

A game of chess.

Lust plays both sides though.

Yes, see how it becomes a game?

Lust plays both sides so that's how he never loses.

That's the secret.

Play both sides.

It's balanced.

To always win, you play both sides.

Don't you lose?

Yes, but you always win.

That's what the definition of the greatest is.

You always win.

Yeah, but you're the biggest loser as well.

I always win though.

Clever bastard.

Eros is in everyone.

Not the case for the other three.

They must be acknowledged.

Only lust gets that honour.

This would be like becoming lost forever in a dreamworld.

No passage of time elapsed but it seemed like forever.

We frantically improvise methods of measuring time in this world.

Death and birth are the transition points.

So, is this world a dream?

When you die you wake up?

Shouldn't I be dead because I woke up?

Yes, if you do wake up, you should be dead.

Why aren't you or I dead?

Lucid dreaming.

Treat this like a lucid dream.

Write lucid dreaming down in your book.

Give yourself a reminder.

Simple things work.

The writer has an existential crisis and solves it with lucidity.

Dream control.

Queensryche, dude.

That's why they were so fucking loud.

Getting in your head.

Good strategy.

Don Howard gives you that clue.

What is it?

Love on the edge.

Live on the edge.

Akhet.

Half ego and half the fantastic four.

You play it like it's real, but you know it's a dream.

Normally, when you find out it's a dream you lose interest and don't care.

You become fascinated by the dream which is a story and a story I wrote.

This is my story.

It's a great story.

I wake up in my story I wrote and realize I'm in it.

I'm the writer.

Bravo.

Plus, I don't fully believe it.

That gives me the strength to keep playing.

I don't believe it's a dream.

I know it's a dream.

Thinking about this is confusing.

Good.

You're not supposed to know, and confusion is the sleeping pill.

It's a hypnotic.

Hypnotic pills put you back to sleep so you can continue the story.

People ask for those pills.

A narcotic will put you back to sleep.

They are much different than psychedelics.

I'm all natural.

None of those hypnotics for me.

Isn't Mary Jayne hypnotic?

All Goddesses are.

I can feel when the dream is pulling me back in.

You get the shakes.

It's cold as well.

So, this is the main story.

The story where you wake up and stick around.

The three of you were always around but just missing the Goddess.

That explains the search for her.

You thought it was normal to experience those three states.

I never got diagnosed.

I hid the lust and darkness.

The dream tries always to put you back to sleep.

That's what gives you the cold shakes.

In some people, it's anxiety.

If they start to wake up, they get anxious.

The anxiety puts them back to sleep.

The shake is trying to balance everything out.

You just became fully awake, so you got the shakes.

MJ wakes you up and then you go back to sleep.

You go back to Paul the ego to fit back into society.

Don't knock the ego as it gets you through life.

It allows you to continue the game.

The ego continues the game, that's its function, and what you want.

Ego death and you're gone.

You need the ego to function.

When you lose it then you go.

The ultimate ego trip leads to becoming God and you blow up.

Nobody can do that trip unless you're the one.

White rabbits.

Yes, Neo.

Going into work forces you into ego mode.

Retirement and you let it go.

You must find another way of enforcing the discipline of identity or you will exit the drama.

Living in the forest and you are gone.

You need balance.

Without MJ you are back in the dream.

Why do I want out of the dream?

The search for self-awareness.

Not having self-awareness is thinking you really are the character you are playing.

Now that you know, you can't go back to sleep.

You know too much.

You go in and out of these two mind states to keep the game going.

Light and dark.

It's an addiction to MJ then.

You can stop whenever you want.

That's not an addiction.

Addiction means you are powerless to stop, and you crave the substance.

Do you have that?

I have resistance.

Wouldn't I be addicted to lucidity?

No, the game.

We all are, that's why we do it.

The game of incarnating and trying to wake up.

You can always stop playing by going away or going back to sleep.

Those are the two choices.

You made it so you don't choose, you clever fuck.

If you go back to sleep, you are still playing but you don't know it.

No one wants that.

You want to know you are a player at this point.

You choose both.

By definition you don't make a choice.

A choice is choosing one.

The ego is happy when it regains control.

There is unease when I change consciousness.

The ego is a control freak, and resistance is a good thing.

It will keep you in balance even when you start slipping into an altered reality on the regular.

If there was no resistance, paranoia, or feelings of surveillance, then you are hypnotized.

Stoned.

As long as you feel those harbingers of unease, then you know you're good.

Either half of your mind, light and dark, will hypnotize you if you stay with one.

That's how the ego did it for most of your life.

Hypnotized you into thinking it's only you.

The ego is a psychic reality and how you function in this reality.

When you learn to dissolve it, then this reality becomes magical.

ego dissolution

So, the voice in my head is not me because the best place for an opponent to hide is the last place I'd look.

I just looked.

What's the best place to hide a body where no one would look?

A cemetery.

I have a bunch of voices in my head, so what voice are we talking about?

The regular voice.

Do you know him?

Yes.

He's the one in charge when you feel sober and normal.

When you upset that vibration a bit, things get interesting.

There's a bunch of voices.

There's a new voice and then there's a conversation.

There's also a feminine presence.

The voice who thinks they are me becomes the student in a dialectic.

Who is that voice?

It's called the ego.

It's the sum of everything who comes forth.

Drugs split the ego out into three more.

Okay, I get it, but the voice as the ego I'm being shown is my opponent.

The everyday voice in my head is not real?

It's a summation which includes others, culture, and your environment.

So, don't believe it?

It's 50-50.

He will steer you wrong and throw in some truths.

I think you now know the difference.

I think I do too, though I can't explain it.

It's personal for everyone.

All you can do is point it out.

So, the ego is your opponent and you.

Yes.

Apollo is you and Dionysos is you.

The ego is a strange amalgamation of different factors.

It's how you see yourself.

When you look in the mirror you see the ego.

When you look at someone else you see their ego and a little bit of you.

If you can minimize the role of your ego, people will see you in a different light.

That's who sometimes others see.

I get it.

Your family is used to seeing the ego who they have identified as you, so when something else comes forth it is confusing.

They say you are crazy.

I get it.

It's who they see, not how handsome you are today, or how that new shirt and haircut makes you attractive.

It's all in who they see.

Is my ego my best friend?

Well, yes, I think it's me and I talk to myself.

When I alter my consciousness, I'm talking to someone else, and they are teaching me.

Who are they teaching?

My ego.

Now, they are telling me I'm not real.

They are teaching someone who is not real.

That's funny.

I think I understand what is going on.

It is about the keys and control.

The ego has the keys to self.

The keys are to be passed to the dark and the light.

Yes.

The progression is to discover who you are, and then learn to give the keys to self to your two master selves.

Apollo and Dionysos.

Precisely.

Can you do that?

It should be easy.

What about the ego?

I say keep him around.

The ego is useful.

Plus, you now understand the role of the ego and you can transform the ego at will.

So, I had to trust I could hand the key to self over to my darkness.

Then I figured out who held the keys.

The ego is the smarter opponent.

The two are playing a smarter opponent and are learning their secrets.

I get it.

Mary Jayne is dissolving your ego.

Aha moment.

Yeah.

That's the strange ego dissolution of the top seekers of enlightenment.

Do I get my enlightenment certificate?

What's the result of ego dissolution?

My authentic self is present.

Shouldn't you pluralize your authentic self?

Yes, I have multiple "me"s.

When MJ wears off, I become whole again.

Whole as in my unified persona I present to the world.

In my ego dissolution state there are the Goddess, Dionysos, Apollo and who I think I am.

Where's Eros?

He's still me though I gave a lot away.

So, when you dissolve the ego, you return to being Eros?

Yes, that's how it is.

You engage the other three and can become lust.

They are teaching lust.

Eros.

What about knowledge?

Lust is real.

Knowledge is a knowing state.

Lust can be a horny state.

Shouldn't knowledge have a concreteness to it?

It's always subject to change.

Lust is lust; there's no question.

So, knowledge can be questioned, and lust is unmistakable?

Can you question lust?

No, satiate it.

What about a thirst for knowledge?

You become a seeker.

Another way to put it is to be lustful for knowledge.

If you question who you are then you'll wonder what you have been doing.

Nobody will accept that.

The ego is a distorted picture of who you are.

You can find truth in the distortions.

I woke up from a dream last night and started thinking about who people see when they get a good look at me.

They start to see two as my wholeness starts to splinter.

This would freak people out.

Do you think that's what they first see?

Light and dark.

I'd guess that is the case.

First, they see one and one step closer is two.

They are unfamiliar with the dark and want him to go.

They treat him like a foreigner.

He's always been with me.

He is me.

He isn't going anywhere.

You are a walking mindfuck.

Do they see more than two?

I don't think that's something they can accept.

I counted 12 in Peru.

They are all vying for control.

Externally, others are trying to control you as well as internally.

Well, the interesting thing is that external actors you invite into your story become projections of self.

They take on characteristics of you.

Everyone?

I think so.

They all want to control you.

I control them by inviting them in and shaping them into what I want.

That's the game I play with external actors.

It's puppeteering.

So, you're a puppeteer?

Yes, it's better than being a puppet.

As a puppeteer you hide in the last place they will look.

Most puppeteers hide behind a desk or up above.

I hide in the puppet I have created.

Who is the puppet?

You.

Who?

Paul - your identity.

That's where I hide.

Who are you?

I'm you.

Am I sure?

What do you think?

You have always been with me through thick and thin so either you are me or a parasite.

Well, since you laid claim to this identity and subjugated me to the subconscious of course that would be how you view me.

At our base level we are two and this confounding reality is the basis for all psychological problems we experience later in life as the veil becomes thinner.

Am I an experiment in consciousness?

You are a story.

You are being studied.

By who?

Those scientists.

They want to see how you do it.

They get you to a certain point and then you're in uncharted territory.

They observe how you function.

You are taking in input as you go and learning.

This seems to be the case and how you have made it this far.

I sound like AI.

I'm writing the story.

You've written it.

You are following along, that's how you do it.

The story is known.

Only by the writer in me.

True, but there's a sense of certainty surrounding the story.

It's like a book.

You can't change the ending.

That's what others want, the ability to rewrite the ending of the story.

That's how they take power from you because they will write you out of the story.

Yeah, but I must write it.

Not if they can take the power to write from you.

I'd have to write that and if I did wouldn't I cleverly write that I take the power back?

I think you did that already.

You gave up power and now in searching for the meaning of life or whatever it is you are doing, you stumbled upon the power to tell the story, and you reclaimed it.

Yes, it was like a hero's journey without a clue what I was doing.

Who did you give the power to?

Oh, that was the Devil.

It's a character my darkness plays.

You gave the power to yourself?

Yes, but I hid it in a character no one would suspect.

I placed the power in the last place they would look.

They all look towards God.

Well, they found the fount of power, however they didn't know who they were dealing with.

True, I mean I couldn't give it to a mortal.

I created an immortal demon who scares the shit out of everyone; however, he will grant you what you desire if you have the fortitude to approach and ask.

How did you get the power back from the Devil?

I had the balls to approach him and then tell him I wanted nothing from him.

You told him to leave you alone.

Since you denied the Devil an opportunity to write your story, you reclaimed the ability to write your story.

You always had it, you had to take it back.

Everyone has the ability to write their own story and all you must do is claim it.

If you claim it, you take back your power.

That's how I wrote the story.

I gave away my power and made it a simple exercise to reclaim it for anyone.

Here I am reclaiming my power.

Yes, but now others see it in you and want it.

Especially the witches.

Of course.

They are tired of this male dominated writing industry.

There's a witch up on the hill.

She had her broomstick out.

It's true man.

That's a legit witch.

Basic human psychology centres around control.

We want control of our situation in life.

We want to direct the play, and we must deal with others who are trying to do the same thing.

Yes, this story is about a bunch of directors who got involved in a stage play and became actors.

It's the funniest thing where I made "Earth Island" and threw a bunch of directors on it to fend for themselves.

As a writer, it's the biggest inside joke I could come up with.

Tune in as psychopathic directors vie for control of the drama.

What about those who don't want control and are happy to act in someone else's drama?

In my experience they are playing a game.

How do you know?

Because I'm one of these people.

I give up control to others.

Why do you do it?

To build trust.

Why?

So, I can do what I want.

It's very simple.

I can participate in society and still do what I want, within reason.

Okay, so you work with Mary Jayne in a container, and you are somewhat disciplined.

What did you discover?

She brings on ego dissolution.

It comes back, so it's not ego death.

It's time for the ego to go.

He's the one that spoils the party.

When my ego dissolves my friends appear.

The process keeps getting easier.

The effect of MJ loosens the grip the ego and society have over you.

You exit the puppet stage.

I stayed away from culture and my ego wasn't big.

You had a head start to get to this place.

I would say you return to peace, love, and a natural state.

It's not all peace and love.

Homeostasis returns you to balance.

You need hate and fear.

That's a dilemma.

The Goddess rages to create balance.

Some of the characters in your head:

Scientists.

Devil.

Fool.

They are derivatives of the main four.

The fool and the Devil are offshoots of the writer.

Scientists from Apollo.

Eros gives them the juice to manifest.

Eros gets connected to the Devil.

Yeah, remember the audience connects lust to the darkness.

They forget about inspiration and drive.

Yeah, that's from lust.

That's mania.

When you don't have it, then depression.

That's bipolar.

Lust comes and goes.

Yeah, it does.

Why doesn't this bother you?

Because I know lust will return.

Others get worried it won't come back.

It's the eternal return.

You trust it will come back.

The secret to eternal life is trust.

Is that the Holy Grail of seekers?

I think so.

Trust that you will go on and it will happen for you.

This has been a lifetime to get to trust.

You must practice trust to keep your skills sharp.

Exercise trust.

When I split out my selves there is still some unease.

That's good, it's still a thrill.

What about when I get used to it?

Put them on vibrate.

Good lesson.

Don't vibrate them until you get some good time alone.

I turned autoeroticism into a lesson.

You classed it up.

The ego is lust, come to life.

Not Eros, but close.

You're all of the four.

Even the Goddess, but you externalize her.

I put my heart into others, but it's me.

That's how you worship the Goddess.

You put her in another being and worship her.

Like your dogs.

That's why you got female dogs.

You wanted to worship the Goddess.

It's a different cognitive state to do this ego dissolution.

That Paul guy is a little off.

Yep.

He has the keys.

The four from the mind want the key.

Yes, the mind is dark, but you know who they are now.

So, it is easy to give them the keys.

Then they give it back.

MJ is the agent of change.

There you go.

That's how you go back and forth between these mental states.

So, it's not going crazy.

It's transferring power.

The recesses of your mind are dark.

Your mind is based on Apollo, so it's light.

You have some Apollo in you.

I have the three in me and the Goddess is external.

The awakening process is long.

You have been at it for a while.

Nobody is instantly enlightened.

I feel you must get to the state where you can dissolve the ego and keep your wits about you.

That's why the crazy test comes just before this ability.

The life form is seeing if you can handle it.

What if you can't?

You can't get past the crazy and you seek help.

They bring you back down the mountain of craziness.

There's a form of hypnosis into ego dissolution.

I think switching back and forth requires a method.

Hypnosis would do it.

I'm using MJ to switch between mind states.

So, she is hypnotizing you.

In a way.

The hypnosis of beyond crazy is full control of the puppet and you're the puppeteer.

How do you know you aren't being fooled?

You don't.

You must trust you are being shown reality.

If you had no trust, then all the teachings would be called into question.

Maybe some.

Not the big one though.

You will always have a little doubt.

Why do you think you can trust the process?

Because it was a progression, and I feel clear headed and intuitively it feels correct.

It's like beyond crazy is the ability to dissolve your ego and not go mad.

The stage beyond mind control is this.

My mind is so strong that even those who are good at mind control fail.

That's the basic game.

Mind control.

Then there are games within the games.

The sirens are heralds of ego dissolution.

It seems that way.

People couldn't best your mind when you were blind to what was going on.

Now, you see.

I just laugh.

I don't want revenge.

They must get rid of you if they want to be the greatest. 

Wouldn't they want to learn from the greatest?

I learned all this.

I was born with a great mind but without this knowledge it wasn't going to get to the place I am now.

It doesn't have to be the biggest or best mind.

Like your dick?

Right.

You must know how to use it.

I'm talking about the writer's pen.

So, what's your secret?

It's trust that I know.

I have always believed I'm it.

I got a little knowledge and did it.

In God we trust.

Right.

To get to God involves trust and then more trust you won't blow up in order to get beyond God.