balancing act

There is at times this ceaseless chatter in my head spinning all awareness. It's tainted by culture to a large degree. It analyses and speaks in English which kind of gives it away as a product of the language and customs of my local surroundings. It molds my behaviour, points out when I fit in, and warns when I am beyond the pale of expectations. It directs me to lash out at others in anger when it is not respected. Acting on desires will bring with it castigating shame and contempt from this entity as a form of control. Travel to an extent is quite liberating in this regard as being an outsider allows you to transgress their cultural norms and being free of your own expectations is therefore a boon to self. Then there is me who is kind of a puppet to the ceaseless chatter guy but kind of just acts on impulse. That’s the real me! I think. Then there's this part of me that is seemingly on auto pilot though acting like a servant. This guy keeps everything functioning without even asking or reminding him. Breathing, digesting, growing my hair, and so on. Who is this? Who created the universe and keeps it running? Who is the energy behind the stars? Same guy. I wonder if he is the one pushing desires into consciousness? I limit myself to my conscious awareness, and even then I’m split, and because of this I don't realize that the part of me replenishing my cellular structure is me as well. The energy system responsible for the maintenance of you and the universe is the same worker. It is all you. And by it I mean you are it. You do this. We focus on the stream of drivel running through our head as being who we are when it is just a part of it and one that shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat.

That’s the thing that is difficult to move past when I try to identify who I am. The problem is trying to identify who I am because it seems kind of impossible. The advice I usually give to myself is if there is no solution to a problem then by definition it isn’t a problem. It has become a problem because of the insistence on trying to solve it. There really is no I, however long I wish and insist on propagating that notion. At best I am a field of energy that is definable based on others, their feedback, my body shape, and this chatter in my head that tells me I am this guy. I don’t know why I have exalted the chatter in my head guy above the silent worker who keeps this all intact and running and left the guy affected by desire twisting in the wind. I guess if you aren’t loud and get noticed then you get taken for granted and largely dismissed.

Part of why I want to believe I have a higher and a lower self is I have met this higher self. I know it is me but I still can’t reconcile that my localized conscious awareness is not the only me. Damn it, I want exclusivity for what encompasses me in consensus reality and I want it to be the definition of me. So I come to the realization on this spiritual journey I have a higher self but that he stands above me so I separate the two. And then this higher self connects me with everyone else because they have the same one and if they access it then they too are in touch with this universal consciousness. They get tripped up by it as well. How can it be me if it is you?

I look at myself in consensus reality as the controlled looking to break free of the dominance and usurp the power of the controller in my head. In psychological terms it is the ego making a play to become the superego and hopefully breaking free of being the controlled and becoming the puppet master. The puller of the strings is aware of this gambit from the beginning and has tried to prevent me from getting too far in this journey. He scared me, threatened death, and tried to get me to turn back.  I proved my worth, I had the courage to continue, and I was given passage up the mountain. In fact he really helped me to get to the destination. I didn’t stay on top of the mountain and instead chose to come back down. We all seek to be the king of the castle. Our internal drive beckons us to purge the surroundings of our enemies and competitors once we triumph. For the man it is power and the love of women, specifically the feminine divine who is mother and lover, being the ultimate prize. At first she is mother but as we climb the mountain she becomes lover. The underpinnings of everything is desire and this attraction at the level of the sacred is off the charts. Just a hint of her power and the chase is on. In psychology this desire to overthrow the father and capture the mother becomes Sigmund Freud's 'Oedipus complex.’ Delving into ancient Egyptian mythology it was recognized in the form of kamutef ‘bull of his mother' and this motif is also found in ancient Greek mythology such as the overthrow and castration of the King of the Titans, Ouranos, by the son Cronos. In turn Cronus, now the father, waits to devour his children at birth while their mother Rhea goes behind his back and saves the youngest Zeus from this fate. Zeus goes on to defeat Cronus and the Titans and then Zeus becomes the most high and mythologically becomes an asshole. He eats his first wife, the titan Metis, so she wouldn’t give birth to their second child, a prophesied son, who would overthrow him. It’s all an elaborate metaphor of the struggle for mastery within the male psyche and the same outcome is continually the result. The son overthrows the father, gets the girl, and then becomes just like his father and locks her away again. He tries to consolidate and maintain his power. The union of the two powers, the King and the Queen, creates the next iteration of the lower self and he needs to go on the hero’s journey to rescue the princess from the father who has developed dragon like tendencies. And on it goes. How does this cycle break? I think an answer is found in Pre-Columbian shamanism. The process involves taking the two halves of man and mediating them to the centre position. They called this process 'tinkuy.’ Tinkuy is a Quechuan term denoting the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation. It's all about bringing everything into the centre, the in between space, to find balance. This place was called the 'chaupi' and the central axis in this common territory was called the 'chhimi' which means the heart. Once balance is achieved, the complementary opposites are ready for the sacred marriage to the divine feminine who has undergone a similar trial by fire; a figurative burning of the dross. The perfect union ensues when everything is in balance.

Part of being balanced involves recognizing in our psyche this ego and superego that are in a power dynamic. The superego needs a lower self in order to know he is the controller. There’s no superego if he doesn’t have an ego to control. Or to put it in a different way: if you insist on dividing up your psyche then all these pieces must be present in order to create the psyche. They must exist. Well they must as long as you insist on labelling things. It is like the universe. The universe is one enormous energy system. It is us who divide it up and label patterns of contiguous energy as things and then we believe in the things we have given recognition to. For the most part it is arbitrary though there's logic to our categorization. Once we divide things up you can realize that the universe cannot exist without that thing; it is quite illuminating, especially if you ever wonder what happens when this human body gives out and perishes. Your energy is part of the total sum of the universe; in other words there is no universe without you. If there was no you then there would be no this. That’s pretty awesome. I realized because of this that everything is transactional. For instance I transfer energy from my body into a drum skin via a stick and I produce a noise which is another form of the energy. Knowing this, it is then understood there will be a release and transmutation of your energy when you physically die.

Another way to look at this energy process is realizing the ineffable sacredness of what is going on and the opportunity available to act unconditionally and be of service. Plants have mastered this universal precept. They take in their energy from the sun and nutrients from the soil and water without having to take life. Conversely we take energy from others in order to survive, whether it is through taking life and ingesting other plants and animals for energy or by burning wood in order to transfer it into saving heat. The underlying process behind all life is the transfer of energy that enables survival. When we take from others we can offer something in return instead of a constant greed and focus on self. Cultures that are in a symbiotic relationship with their environment realize this and have words in their language for it. In Andean culture it is called 'ayni’ in their Quechuan language, which means reciprocity. This is realizing the energy exchange involved and offering up something in return.

I think I deviated a bit from the original intent of the idea of this split within our localized minds. I was trying to point out the need of a lower ego self in order for the higher controller self to know he is in charge. So when my lower self, with all his warts, embarks on a journey to improve himself and become the model of what his superego wants him to be where does the puppet master eventually go? There's no room for two at the top. Is there a coup, an overthrow of the dominion of this energy field called me? I guess there has to be. So how does the superego self react to this journey? Well at the start I imagine it is made difficult. If you insist on continuing, you know polishing that armour and training for the battle, then various paths will present to you, baiting you to take one of them so you will sidestep the journey to the top. But what if you continue on in the journey to self? You overthrow the father, take what he has including the Queen, and you rule in his stead. But wait a minute. You are destined to repeat the same drama because you assumed the higher position. So there's a new lower self that forms and that needs refining. It's metaphorically the next shit that bubbles to the surface that is not your ideal of what your newly defined self is. It’s a new you with a whole new set of problems! Or perhaps the same desires that frustrated your previous self never went anywhere and will now harangue the new you. Another desire causing havoc to the better man. The cycle begins again and this lower self is going to overthrow the new king unless the incumbent can throw him off the task at hand. This never ends. There's always something that needs improvement. This is the eternal masculine problem. How do I maintain balance once I reach the top?

Oh my god. That's it. That's why I am here. To find out the answer why; why this continual cycle?

What's the answer to this continual problem? Wisdom tells me that an insoluble problem is not a problem at all. The problem is you trying to solve it. As long as you insist you have a separate superego and your ego needs improvement then you must play this game. I wrote about belief a couple weeks ago and I have been empowering this split within myself because I refused to accept responsibility that I am the total package and instead live a life of disintegration with an insistence upon myself being comprised of parts. Accept and recognize what it is that is me without feeling I need to do anything about it. It’s the same way we are fooled into thinking we are isolated from the universe as a whole. There's nothing you need to do. You are already it so instead of trying to improve your lower selfish self, become fit for service and be of service to others and help them. Focus your efforts on improvement of others. Lift them up so they can reciprocate and lift others up and on it goes. If you are at this point in your journey then you can see you don't need to improve yourself, you just need to recognize your own diversity and find balance. In that divine harmony you will acknowledge all that makes you you and and take from each the strengths that will counteract the weaknesses and bring balance into the equation which enables you to become fit for service. Then bring this balance into the world at large. Attaining higher consciousness doesn't mean climbing the mountain and becoming the most high as if you are trying to be the most enlightened in some spiritual contest. Higher consciousness involves Love and forgiveness for yourself and others. It is recognizing your strengths and your weaknesses and that you will never be infallible. Stop trying to make the two ends of a stick, the top and bottom, be the same point. It can't be done. Transform yourself from a stick into a circle. Wherever you are in the circle is perfectly balanced.  

machinations of mind

Reason is founded upon non-reason, chaos if you will. The natural state is meaningless; it just is. Assigning it context, ordering it, and making logical sense and reason out of existence is the result of thinking. So, you see, reason is measurement and therefore illusory. Non-reason is the fount of everything.

As an exercise the next time you are out in nature or go for a walk in the woods, have a unencumbered look at your surroundings. In nature you will notice there’s no order to the plethora of old and new growth in the forest. Nature is resembling chaos for the most part. The river that runs through the path I walk is winding and twisting and turning on its way to a destination unknown. We humans love to organize and plant gardens. We plant them in nice rows. We bring order and reason to the natural state of chaos.

nature

My masculine "higher self" can be said to be ultimately in charge of this vehicle I call self. He is the one who has the knowledge, experience, and expertise needed to drive this vehicle perfectly on the road of life. He gave the keys to me at physical birth. He takes care of most things needed to operate this vehicle but he gives me free will to drive it wherever I wish to take it. He has managed to be hands off and just lets me sometimes drive it out of control or make questionable decisions that cause negligent damage to the vehicle. It’s a joy ride on my journey of discovery.

How awesome is it that he made me the mouthpiece of this field of energy? He entrusted me to be the spokesperson. I can wax eloquently on about this and that all the while hiding a ulterior motive in my quest to get get get. In retrospect, what a blunder! It's like giving the fox the keys to the henhouse. I mean I'm full of desires, wants, and questionable eating habits. I want power and control over my vicarious situation and I'm given the means to become an utter failure and miscreant by using this power for selfish gains. I think that's the brilliance behind it though. Through this power and responsibility I will fail and bring the edifice into disrepute. I will reenact the biblical story of the prodigal son (It's a great story, go read it - I'll wait). 

Switching gears now, when I go to sleep at night mental activity seems to cease because I can’t recall anything for a certain portion of the night. However. at some point into the rest period eventually comes the dreaming. Think of this in terms of the eternal wave of energy that is at rest and then peaks and is everything in between. So, you have peaceful sleep and then mental activity, in which a form of dreaming consciousness then starts to take place. You can mimic this with meditation where you can silence the mentation and turnings of the mind and reach peace. This state of mind is fleeting and then the thoughts start coming back. I’m sure you can now see the parallels. So, why I bring this up is the curious case of our lives being a form of a dream and existence being a form of consciousness as opposed to concrete stuff. When we sleep and dream at night we are dreaming within our dream, because that is the energy cresting and falling. Cycling is what energy does and it is recursive in this case. We only recognize the actual dream when we come out of sleep. While dreaming we don’t recognize that we are dreaming for the most part and those that do can eventually direct the course of the dream. Taking this as a template for what we call life, or reality, it is interesting if we view our lives as a dream or the mental activity of something "higher", whatever that may be. I do like to identify with something higher; definitely not the low! The "higher self" is dreaming and controls an avatar that functions in this world. The world is the mental construct of a collective consciousness in which everyone participates because we are all part of the energy which enables consciousness. Much like in a dream if you do realize this then you can perhaps start having some control over events in this waking dream. We used to call this magic. From this thinking, you can postulate that not having control over your avatar might be the better play. We call this free will. Free will and magic at opposite ends of control.

Taking this a step further, when I dream at night I am creating a universe, though my "lower self" and its dreaming capacity is pretty primitive, so this universe is loosely modelled on the "higher self" dream. Subsequently, this universe is fleeting and not all that well thought out being as it is coming from a rookie dreamer. However, the cool thing about my dream is that everything which is separate and plays out is ultimately the product of my mind as a unity. So, take that realization and project it on to your own life, your origin, and realize the essential oneness of all.

At night I dream and I create worlds full of people, places, and things from the mundane to the spectacular. The commonality between all I have created in my dreams is that they were given the energy to exist through my mental processes. They are of a common origin. They are essentially one; the unity we seek in our own spiritual lives. Are we the product of a dreamer? And is the dreamer a product of another dreamer? Is this recursive? 

belief

Alan Watts says the spiritual is transient. Conversely, the seekers among us look towards an ideal of eternal life thinking we can lock ourselves into one manifestation and find solace in living forever as an unchanging monolith. Look around you: nothing lasts! That is what is revealing about the nature of existence. Derived from that observation is the sacredness of music and of dance, which are activities that are play and have within them no real objective, competition, or a restraint of time. They are performed for the sake of performance. To play is to behold the divine.

We in the west look towards the future, to a time when we will be rewarded with eternal life for our righteous achievements within this lifetime. Even the eastern traditions push us towards union with the godhead after getting off the wheel of reincarnation. Curiously, they also contradict with sayings like “Be Here Now.” No wonder those starting off on a spiritual path are confused after sampling the spiritual smorgasbord. If time is an illusion and all there is, is the now, why do we look towards some future goal of samsara or a kingdom of heaven? Existence is now. This is it. This is heaven at this very moment. Don’t you get it? The spiritual is the performance, the dance. We are all notes of the eternal song. We aren’t going anywhere but we are here now! To grasp the all is to live freely in the now and realize truth is now and truth is always changing. I’m the all come forth and then I will be the all returned; a wave of energy that can't be defined by time and space because all you can do to define me is metaphorically take a picture and claim that picture is me. The illusion of time and space are such because they are measurements; nothing but attempts to capture the moment and the object. To wit, creating a static noun by delineating an event in time and space. I am an event come forth recognized as an individual, an ego, playing a part in this divine body I have been blessed with. When released from this body, I will live in a truth of recognizing the all and that I am everything all connected. It is all relative.

However, nothing is stopping you from playing along with whatever you want to believe or manifest. Notice I used by convention the word "play." Your higher feminine and masculine selves will play whatever part you want them to play. They don't have a role. We assign them the role and they play it. They just are and we assign them a role to which they artistically perform with aplomb. The domineering god the masculine higher self plays to the best of his ability because that is the role we asked him to play. We sent our feminine higher self away, locked her up, and on my hero's journey which I choose to play, I get to rescue her from the dragon I created because that story is timeless.

Along the same line of thought, we are in the age of reason because that’s what we choose to believe and as a culture that’s what we teach. Magic is gone because we don’t believe in it anymore.

God exists if you believe he exists. If you don’t believe, then he doesn’t exist. You see it is you, you are god, and you are the world’s foremost stage actor and this is the grandest stage of them all. You have hid this from yourself so the show can go on. If you ask the actor within, the "higher self", to play god then by all means god he will perform and he will rock it out. What a magnificent performance making us believe. He will sweep all the academy awards. Glory to god!

Exist and then we don’t exist. It is truth now but maybe not later. I am a self now but probably not later. So, there is this transience of perceptual unity and of non-unity that may provoke a longing for unity or perhaps a struggle to hold onto selfhood for as long as possible. Perhaps, collectively, the togetherness is bliss; please no more adventure, but eventually I yearn to ride the roller coaster of many selves. The actor comes out of retirement and enlivens the grand stage of what we call life once more and makes us all believe.

remembering play

I am returning to my SpiritQuest home in the jungle to drink Ayahuasca in order to traverse the Shamanic planes once again like she has taught me. By altering my consciousness, in essence my vibration, I will sit in communion with my spirit guides and the Great Goddess.

Recounting my latest journey with plant medicines without an explanation of past discoveries and a tie in with my metaphysical understanding of life would strike the reader as very peculiar. Taken out of context the tale I will tell is frankly preposterous.

Why am I doing this? I was always going to return but I figured it would be a while. In November I stood at my Mesa and this feeling of divine union with the Goddess washed over me and I understood that our combination is everything and together we constitute 'god'. Not only that, but the child of our union is our expression and it is the renewer, the ever coming and indestructible life. I completely understood the symbolic visions I had with the Goddess in regards to Ayahuasca and Huachuma which involved a longing to be together, rescuing the princess, slaying the dragon, a crazy erotic vibe, union, and the serpent and the jaguar. I had a dream afterwards in December which involved sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and a bird hovering over me which was repeatedly flying into my head. The symbolism is that I will be drinking Ayahuasca again, the bird and the purple symbolism represents the Goddess, and the knocks on the head are indicative of SpiritQuest as I call this place "don Howard's school of hard knocks."

So I call this return the consummation. It's the coming together of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine energies. A completeness so awesome in its perfection. I am ready. Six years ago when I took the plunge I wasn't ready when she asked me to come away with her. I had much to learn and discover. I have done the work and I now know. I am ready to experience my destiny. Then 'we' become the teacher of humanity. We tear down the constricting beliefs of old and usher in a new age of inclusiveness and Love.

The Goddess. Who is she? The sacred feminine discovered within. This Goddess common to all. Coming forth into this world of appearances as a man allows that an alteration of consciousness with the sacred medicine Ayahuasca will allow me to contact the sacred feminine, in essence my obfuscated other half. There is a commonality with all seekers because of the shared traits that come forth when each of us gains access. Wisdom, love, eroticism, chaos, caring, and guidance. If I drank a masculine plant medicine such as Huachuma then for me as a man I would access my higher self in one of its many iterations, literally having a conversation with a wiser version of myself.

Furthermore, the alchemical transformation of the aspirant involves taking the base materials of man and woman, and refining them. This is the process in agriculture of cultivation or in metallurgy the compounding of alloys into a new material. This process within us is the sacred marriage, called the Hieros Gamos, which creates an inner transformation demonstrated by the union of the sacred feminine and masculine. The spiritual joining together with your soul mate forges the hermaphrodite, who is the end result of this process. The spiritual cultivation of the human being is the template for creating the divine from the human. The spiritual union of the inner divine feminine and masculine gives birth to the god. 

In late 2017 when I ended up in the mountains I was gifted this message "Remember to Play" scrawled on a dirty and worn mattress left out on the equator in the Andes mountains which served as a rest point for seekers of higher knowledge. I'm a knowledge junkie and I tend to seek and seek, much to my detriment, always needing to be reminded to play.

The first two Ayahuasca ceremonies were play. Erotic play. Two lovers enjoying the chase, and she's smart enough not to be caught because then she knows the flame will eventually start to die out and the long separation will begin once again.

The third ceremony had no purpose and in retrospect it was a huge lesson. I of course knew nothing at the time except for frustration and wondering if I should continue on the plant medicine path. Why do you need a purpose? Isn't life the purpose? Love life.

The fourth ceremony was reminding me who I am. I'm indestructible, feared, and will take on all. Call me jaguar! Outside the maloca was heard the roar of this jungle cat for most of the ceremony. Talk about something sublime, a catalyst to continue on this path, and an incredible affirmation of this journey. Walk this path and become the jaguar. He's waiting for you. The message will not resonate with all and where they are on their respective journeys but rest assured destiny as the jaguar awaits the woman or man of courage willing to go forth into the alchemical fire which is calling to them.

Well, let’s get to it. Here’s my journal entries for my most recent exploration of mind, body, and soul transacted through the heart.

Day 1, Thursday March 7

It’s been a year and four months since I returned from my latest adventure which encompassed my 50th birthday when I went to Cusco, Lima, the Amazon, and the Andes of Ecuador. I had said to my friend Parker in the jungles of Peru after we did the concluding Vilca ceremony of 2017 that “I am going to miss Peru.” I sort of meant it; I mean I had finished the chapter and I was going to go up the mountain in Ecuador and finish the spiritual climb which had been beckoning to me. I’ve said it before and I always go back so I knew someday I’d return however I expected it to be a couple years, and up until a few months ago that was the plan.

When Ayahuasca comes a calling then you listen. I had that dream in December where I was in an Ayahuasca ceremony and there was swirling purple energy over top of me as well as a bird which would dart down and repeatedly bonk me in the head. Over the course of the next few days, I figured out the dream. The purple energy is a representation of the Great Goddess and the bird knocking me in the head represents SpiritQuest as I have dubbed it “The school of hard knocks.” Pretty clever was the message sent to me however the problem confronting me was that the maestro don Howard is very ill and SpiritQuest was temporarily on hiatus. Not too long afterwards, I got the word in late December that Parker was going to facilitate the re-opening of SpiritQuest with the continuation of the Ayahuasca ceremonies starting in February. I had some time to take off of work before the end of March and so the wheels started turning. It wasn’t long before I made the decision to go back as it all cosmically just added up.

So, here I am on a plane flying to Lima. I’m a veteran now of these journeys, trip #5, so I know how much flights should cost and what to avoid - avoiding the United States in transit is priority number one so I booked early enough to get an Air Canada flight direct from Montreal to Lima and then the return is Lima to Toronto, all for a good price. I’ll spend a full day in Lima at the head of the journey, do some sightseeing, and then off to the Amazon jungle on the Saturday. I’ll be swinging in a hammock by Saturday afternoon and then enjoying the smoke of my friend and ally Mapacho soon afterwards.

The dream I had was the culmination of putting everything together last November. I stood at the head of my Mesa and the feeling of oneness, of a divine union within washed over me. The serpent and the jaguar, the erotic ceremonies, and the sacred marriage ceremony all added up. I realized why the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca the Goddess said to me to come away with her. I balked at the time but I finally realized why. I am the jaguar, the sacred masculine and she the serpent, the sacred feminine. Our union creates the divine child, ‘god’ if you will. It was a feeling like none other.

I owe so much to don Howard and SpiritQuest. It’s because of him and the ritual and symbolism experienced at SpiritQuest that I clearly saw these truths. There are so many spiritual paths leading you away from this realization and due to my independent streak I never joined or embraced any of them, instead I chartered my own course and found the answer. I avoided the chorus saying “you can’t do this alone.” “You need a guru.” don Howard is my teacher. He shows me where to look and that’s all I needed. Looking back on my journey, I had the answers in the summer of 2016 but I just needed another two plus years to put it all together. And then in one magical moment I stood at the head of my Mesa and looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and this incredible feeling of Unity washed over me and I said “My god, that’s me!” She’s as much a part of me as I am me. She’s been that wisdom, the smarts, and epiphanies which have always been with me.

Day 3, Saturday March 9

I arrived in the humid jungle today and it was great to see Parker and see he is doing so well. There’s a group of five guys including myself that will be drinking Ayahuasca this week. It will be a much more intimate group and setting then I’m used to this time around. They are all new to Ayahuasca so along with Parker I was able to share some of my experiences and hopefully allow for some of the anxiety to dissipate.

I haven’t felt any anxiety myself as of yet though I fully expect to as the first ceremony gets closer. I guess there is a bit of confidence in why I am here again and in part it is because I was called back. I got the message and came back.

I had a really interesting dream Friday night where I was locked in a passionate embrace with my Goddess and the kissing was electric. Could it be a preview of what is to come? After that, I was awake and experienced a collage of images in a vision changing shapes which felt like an altered consciousness experience.

Day 4, Sunday March 10

It is just a few hours away from the first Ayahuasca ceremony. We had a Mapacho ceremony late morning/early afternoon which helped get everyone into the meditative state. Mapacho can be very calming and I had felt no anxiety until up to the point we went through the ceremony protocol and set up our space in the maloca. I came back to my room and read the reminder which I leave tacked up on the wall which says Love, Trust, and Surrender as well as telling me to Still The Mind and imploring me to Get Out of My Head. I then went and read for an hour as the sun went down and I had an important lesson on the way back to my room. I had my phone fall out of my pocket into the hammock and I’d forgotten that I had brought it with me. I got back to my room and couldn’t find my phone which set off a mini panic and then my unhinged mind started doing its thing. I calmed down and then retraced my steps, went back to the hammock, and my phone was in the folds of the fabric of the hammock. This was a pertinent and timely reminder about the mind, a most needed lesson, and one that is always needed especially when beginning a cycle of work with plant medicines. Almost like Mother Ayahuasca did not want to have to remind me in ceremony to still the mind so she gave me a preview and said “see you have to not engage the mind!”

I’m here at SpiritQuest to participate in the union of the divine sacred feminine to the divine sacred masculine and the result will be the birth of the child god. The union of these forces within will reconstitute the unity of primal forces. It will be the culmination of this journey and a long and winding road of discovery to get this far for sure. It’s the re-birth of the divine child, ergo becoming a kid again. What we all once were until life, culture, and the hypnotic allure of the world took that away from us and what a ride it has been to retrieve this knowledge and rescue my princess all the while defeating my demons and the dragon.

With that in mind, I’m reminded of distilling and offering my intention for ceremony tonight. 

Mission Statement: Para el bien de todos (For the good of all.)

Offering: I will teach this method of fulfillment, divine discovery, and knowledge of self.

Intention: A sacred coupling with my Goddess.

Day 5, Monday March 11

I will be persistent and not be deterred. My intention is a sacred coupling within.

We met up in the maloca for the 9:30pm ceremony and first received a blessing from dona Eliana and then a protection arkana, replete with a Mapacho soplando, from the maestros don Rober and don Carlos. With only five people drinking that part of the ceremony concluded pretty quickly. I was the second to drink and it became my turn almost right away. I stated I am doing this for the good of all, offered my ability to teach this to others, and stated my intention of a sacred coupling. Before downing la medicina, I voiced “para el bien de todos!” The taste was probably the worst I ever remembered Ayahuasca being as I downed the brew in one gulp. Maybe it was because it had been a while. A few others the next day said it didn’t taste too bad to which I replied “wait until the end of the week.” I went back to my mattress and waited for the nausea to subside before lighting up a Mapacho.

The visions started up slowly this time. Before don Rober started singing his Icaros, I had a feeling of dread and some old Ayahuasca ceremony memories and themes that have vexed me in the past were drudged up. I always forget about these memories until I drink la medicina again and then I remember why I sometimes try to leave myself notes intra ceremony to not drink again. So these thoughts were reforming in my mind, telling me I’m a prisoner of the brew and inviting me to latch on to them.

The last time I drank Ayahuasca in the summer of 2016 I transformed into a jaguar and scared off all my enemies. Prior to that I had learned how to still the mind in this state and become an impenetrable blank slate. Following this in the fall of 2017 with Huachuma I had mapped out my personal experiences with plant medicines and how they come on and how to steer your ship through the tumult. In other words I have come a long way since the days of being a newbie! I proceeded to puff out my chest, became the jaguar, and roared. My mind went completely blank and I envisioned myself navigating a ship through rough waters, avoiding the rocks that will scuttle my vessel on either side of me. About half way through this turbulent sea I smiled as I knew the worst of it I had left behind. It was very empowering knowing my Ayahuasca sailing ability was master level.

I made it out of the storm and ended up on this racetrack, an autobahn of sorts, and cruised down an electric and colourful highway at breakneck speed with no sense of a destination. At the end of the course I found myself in front a mysterious and non defined construct. The patterns started undulating serpent like and I followed the movements with my neck and head, getting lost in the rhythms. I knew it was her; I didn’t need confirmation or to think about it as it was pretty obvious. She was playing the part of the mystery, teasing me with her undulating rhythms. I sometimes picture her as a prim and proper princess when really she is nothing of the sort. Daring, seductive, wild, and dangerous were the vibes being put out, in a way telling me I couldn’t handle her. Playing and teasing was the game so I played along, taunting her with games of my own like lovers do to each other telling her about "earth" girls which play that part really well too. It was nothing like a courtship, of reserved getting to know each other. There was this unspoken familiarity of two equal sides playing and conversing as if we have known each other for eternity. When I look back on my first ever Ayahuasca ceremony, where I knew she was the Great Goddess but was unaware of my relationship to her, up to now where I know we are two halves of a whole it’s pretty striking and we were playing a pretty delicious and seductive game. The give and take in terms of communication was an exchange of thoughts. I recognized the wise voice in my head as her. This knowledge was something that has always eluded my grasp, that she is my guide, the smart one. She would tell me something or challenge me and I’d respond with my typical masculine charm or some dumb ass remark. She’s the inspiration which comes to me, sometimes out of the blue, sometimes so profound that I re-read things I have written and swear there is no way I could have written them.

She’s the serpent to my jaguar. Two equal halves which create a sum greater than the parts. In essence, the all and this all has total freedom like a bird able to traverse the three shamanic planes of water, earth, and the heavens at will. My expectation is after this teasing and foreplay was that there would be a divine sacred coupling which would take us to bliss. Instead she started to go through my historical faults, my treatment of women in relationships, and then the side of me she doesn’t trust. I pleaded my case, my undying love for her and my pursuit of her. I told her I left my family, flew down here to be with her - isn’t that commitment? Drinking Ayahuasca is far from easy or a pleasant experience but here I am! She went through my relationships with women, especially my wife, and said look when you tire of them you just lock them away emotionally and forget about them. She said she should turn herself into a dog then at least I’d always be affectionate and love her. She was of course correct and then she said that’s what men have done with the Great Goddess for over two thousand years. She said she doesn’t want to be released from bondage and be given equal footing with men if the same result is a foregone conclusion. She’s not going to risk being locked away and forgotten about again. I offered up the eternal defence of it will be different this time. I suspect I have used that line before and she wasn’t falling for it. I said a contract won’t work as that will just set up future litigation. Ultimately, I know she is referring to actions and how they speak louder than words, and I need to prove or convince her this time it is actually forever. Unconditional Love, celebrating women and the Goddess, and honouring and pedestalizing her. I know we really need to honour the feminine in western culture, like go really overboard into bringing balance back into the world. If not we are going to destroy ourselves.

After the first icaro ended I knew there would be no visionary sacred coupling tonight and that she had gone away for the night. I sat with it and my feelings for a while afterwards and I thought well there’s three more ceremonies to convince her. I had some more periphery visions and then eventually the nausea came on and I purged.

The ceremony left me with lots to ponder.

Day 7, Wednesday March 13

If nothing else I am persistent!

The brew was noticeably stronger for the second ceremony and I felt it envelop me in a more substantial manner than the first night. The taste was pretty foul once again, markedly worse. I could feel the intoxication in my limbs and after ten minutes with my eyes open I could pick out patterns of energy which were familiar to me from previous ceremonies. Another clue tonight to the strength of Ayahuasca was that I started getting visions even prior to don Rober starting to serenade us with his icaros. The whole experience was largely visionary and not much telepathic interaction with the Goddess. So, here is what I can faithfully remember because so many visions occurred over the space of the first four icaros that at the time I was thinking there is no way I’ll be able to journal all of these visions.

The first vision was all brown, like dirt, and it completely enveloped my visionary field. Then a slit in the dirt formed and the earth started to separate in the manner of the folds of skin like a vagina. It was clearly a vision of Mother Earth/Pachamama. When the tunnel into the earth completely opened up I dutifully entered into it and wound my way through the canal towards an unknown destination. I reached an area which was in darkness but periodically light would shine in. I’ve had this vision previously and in that vision I could never fully reconcile the dark with the light. This time I was able to move a megaton block above me to fully reveal the light. It felt like actual exertion and I felt a tiredness in my arms from moving the block. After this, a blue butterfly formed in my vision and the wings opened to reveal a vagina. It was a vagina with wings, sacred and not erotic, and this led to the next vision which was a vibe that was very showgirl, and a big stage performance was going on. There was a giant umbrella centre stage being held up by a giant golden pole. Serpents were entwined on this pole and slithered to the ground and I looked up and my lady was gyrating seductively at the top of the pole. She was wearing no clothes and her golden brown breasts glistened in the strobe lighting on this stage of this visionary strip bar. I watched as she continued to mesmerize on the cosmic stripper pole. The vision came to an end as the icaro finished.

The next icaro produced a vision of a staircase I ascended. It was a classic wooden varnished staircase but it also propelled me upwards like a supercharged escalator. Upon reaching the top I then went down, down, down on this wooden escalator, wondering what subterranean place or subconscious level it was taking me too. I reached the bottom and it was this white room full of play sized furniture. I saw the Goddess on a white couch and she changed into a fluffy white cat and then her face became a jungle cat. The Goddess began morphing between different creatures while lying reclined on the sofa. Finally she became a contorted white mannequin blending in with the white furniture with her body parts strangely out of place and her vulva pretty much front and centre. She asked me “Do you wanna fuck me now?” I was flummoxed and did not reply or move. Snakes slithered on the ground as I then found myself transported back in time to when my kids were little and I took them to the amusement park, waterslides, and the park near our house. I know as a parent you always worry whether you are doing enough for your children so I guess this visionary cut away just appeared to remind me I’m doing alright and that it is important to give opportunities for children to play. In my next vision there was an adult couple having sex and I got a close up of the action and then a head popped out of the woman’s vagina. The motif or lesson here was that the child born of this sexual union is desire. Eros and cupid in art are depicted as chubby babies because they are the child of the desire which brings the man and woman together. 

Eros

The child is in essence desire personified. We all begin as desire. From there the vision was once again in this playroom and my avatar in this vision had enough teasing so I chased the Goddess until I could jump her and we started making out with unbridled passion. At this point in don Rober’s icaro the beat got heavier, imitating the thrusting of the man into the woman called in slang “giving it to her.” However before the act was complete the shaman’s song ended and the vision as well. The Goddess did not return after this.

I had sporadic visions afterwards, nothing that seemed noteworthy. It took a while to purge and then finally I laid back and just listened to the icaros for the rest of the night.

Overall, the ceremony was a blast, it was so playful and I’m wondering if Ayahuasca should be like this? It’s supposed to be work or have healing properties. Instead, I have spent two ceremonies in pursuit of the Great Goddess, not that I think there is anything wrong with that. The other thing is I am very confident now in my ability to work with Ayahuasca, to navigate the initial storm, and to pursue my intention. I mean this is all part of my intention - the sacred coupling. I expect the brew to keep increasing in potency and for the back to back ceremonies to be challenging. If nothing else, it is confirming my view of this existence to be essentially a sexual metaphor driven by desire. I don’t have expectations for the upcoming ceremonies but I do sense a climatic finish!

Day 8, Thursday March 14

A couple things I want to write about this morning related to ceremony two. I have mentioned previously my ability acquired through experience and trial by fire of being able to navigate the Ayahuasca experience being totally aware now of the toxicity of the mind during the initial onset of the intoxication. In layman’s terms it will fuck you up if you don’t disengage your mental faculties. I mapped out the common structure of both the Ayahuasca and Huachuma intoxication last trip in November/December of 2017. I had drunk Huachuma in the Andes mountains on the equator in Ecuador and I went through the stages of both medicines. With Ayahuasca the onset is the precarious time as a mind unleashed will fight the experience and try to turn you against it. The primary reason for this is the use of Ayahuasca will eventually reveal to you the machinations of a programmed ego mind which is a puppet controlled by others and by culture at large. The capacity for the mind to spin an elaborate tale of deception is unparalleled in my opinion. If you let it, the mind will be so convincing, it can craft the most unbelievable of stories and presentation of reality which will have you utterly convinced of its validity. The goal is to knock you off the hero’s journey so you do not discover your true nature and get you to return to your life of cultural indoctrination and servitude. If you continue on the plant medicine path the narrative of the mind will continue and be waiting for you at every turn.

Ultimately, within are the answers you seek and the mind works in a way to get you to look towards the exterior for the answers which present themselves in culture and to constructs and institutions which ultimately require a belief in someone else's beliefs. There is a level of clarity acquired over time and experience which allows you to see these traps and I now see clearly how others fall for them and I want to say something but I know better. That approach never works as they have to see it for themselves; however, unfortunately most won’t see it but I think I can help by steering them towards other ideas and modalities of thought and experience.

So anyway, I liken the onset of the Ayahuasca experience akin to sailing a ship through rough waters with a rocky shore on either side threatening to scuttle your ship. Engaging the turbulent seas, trying to out maneuver the tempest is not going to work. Lao Tzu, the Chinese sage, in his masterpiece the "Tao Te Ching", essentially tells us to be water and go with the flow, just go with the current. The waters here are rough so just flow with it. The particular technique I use to follow the watercourse through the tempest I call the "Ten Mile Stare." It allows me to enter a profound state of primal awareness where my mind is shutdown, my thinking processes are on jail ordered lock down and I just observe. As I successfully navigate the experience I smile as I near the calm waters. Then the magic starts to happen. It’s trial by fire and a skill which is not developed overnight. Personally, it started out as a survival skill as this medicine repeatedly beat me up until I realized the problem was me and specifically this ingenious part of me which puts a spin on conscious awareness. The big obstacle is of course this mind has been a friend, albeit sometimes a shitty and judgmental friend, all your life so it is tough to kick him to the curb. He knows how to play the game as well, to speak the language, so there is a certain trust. Ultimately actions unmask the motivations and intentions. Clarity will allow for understanding.

I’d also like to further discuss this vision I have recognized from a couple ceremonies now where I travel through darkness to find hints of the light. The first time it happened I remember I couldn’t quite open up the sky completely so that all the light would shine in on the darkness. This last ceremony I was able to move the megaton block of stone with great effort which enabled the light to shine in on the darkness. During the remainder of this ceremony this idea stuck with me and I recognized my unique ability to bring the light into wherever I find darkness. It was a direct calling to be of service and help others who are lost in an insurmountable abyss of darkness. I can remove the obstacles preventing them from seeing the light.

Lastly, I’d like to touch on the idea of play. It stems somewhat from the vision of the playroom I had and the connection to keeping it light and Huachuma’s constant exhortation to me to remember to play. As a species we take everything so seriously. Something like the theatre is such a great reminder of the transience of it all and the ability to play different characters to create a different story. If you are unhappy with your lot in life, your storyline, then change character, make changes in your life which rewrites your story. You control the direction your novel is heading. We get locked into a storyline and take its outcome seriously. You can alter the trajectory at anytime. Have fun with it, throw off expectations of culture and others which limit your story to being the same as every other person.

Day 9, Friday March 15

La medicina was pretty strong last night and engulfed me completely. At the end of the ceremony I was still bodily very tipsy. The ceremony was the first of the back to back drinking, so it will probably be even stronger in tonight’s ceremony. In fact I can still feel the effects on my lips, now currently the following afternoon, in the form of a tingling sensation.

It was a strange ceremony; the word melancholy comes to mind. It was visionary pretty much the whole time but the visions didn’t go anywhere, instead they were just mundane images of everyday life. It would not be of much value as of now to actually provide a laundry list of all I witnessed. I probably couldn’t remember them all anyways.

I gathered the most insights from the ceremony after I went back to my room and then the following morning. I feel very tired today and the group got an idea of why at the start of the retreat it is said that it will take some courage and perseverance to make it through all four Ayahuasca ceremonies. So I will go through my observations since a chronological break down of the night will not really do at this point.

I will mention that off the top and a bit later I experienced the fast moving through a tunnel motif which seems quite common to my experience. A train came speeding at me and I ducked under it and sped off in the opposite direction. Later on in my visions I saw a jaguar, it came towards me but then the vision just ended. It was the theme for the night in that none of the visions seemed to go anywhere or have meaning. I also got tired of the nausea which usually means I’m getting near the end of the cycle of work. A majority of the experience was going through past relationships and connections I had with women. It was interesting being able to kind of psychoanalyze the women based on their behaviour in the relationship. I had to admit the wild and crazy ones were fun though not long term relationship material and that’s where I lacked the maturity at the time to have figured it out. It was clear I married a woman who would not cause me heartache and stress. These trips down memory lane provided insight into my relationship with the Great Goddess because manifested in Ayahuasca she is wild, crazy, exciting, and ultimately untameable. I want to possess her and put her in my castle of gold and I see now that will never happen. The deep meaning is the impetus in men to treat love and beauty like a trophy wife and not honouring and glorifying those ideals every single day. Instead, I want to lock them up in my Peruvian trophy case of collectibles, displaying the love I found in the Amazon when I tell stories of my time in the jungle. It speaks to actions and the need to take responsibility for the gifts, wisdom, and knowledge I have been blessed with and step up the reciprocity game. To celebrate everyday love and beauty. There is always more we can do.

Along the same line of messaging in the chaos of Ayahuasca is my attraction to the experience which at first contains a lot of highs and a lot of lows. There’s no middle ground in the experience at first. I admit an addiction to the madness though I also wanted to tame the experience and I worked towards doing just that. I have been successful as this ceremony was demonstrating that I mastered the ceremony. It’s been my lot in life. I’m calm, patient, and everything always comes out even-steven, no surprises. In this ceremony the visions were just mundane and no surprises, just how I worked to get them to be. That is our existence as humans for the majority of the time; we observe, process, discard, and move on. There’s a need to embrace that part of life and to use love to provide meaning, joy, and hope to others. Going on a roller coaster ride is fun once a year but life can’t be lived like that. A Trevor Hall lyric I have been listening to came to me now and sums up the teaching: “Love all. Serve all. And create no sorrow.”

The Goddess did appear once in my menagerie of visions. I was sitting poolside and she came outside through a glass door where I first noticed her. Her image then refracted into the glass and divided up into many layers and this kept going until each refracted layer of her image became a point of light. She is one and she is many.

Day 10, Saturday March 16

The final ceremony held Friday night was a novel experience. The taste of the aged brew was disgusting, so much so I almost puked it out right away as I finished downing the cup. I had to turn away from the altar for fear I would throw up on it. La medicina was fuerte and it came on way before the shamans started singing their icaros. The ambience outside the maloca was not as I had ever witnessed or heard. There was a jaguar in the not too far distance roaring at a regular interval while all the while I was hearing the hooting of an owl, and the screeching of a monkey. These sounds locked me into a visionary state and I was off. I remained in focussed awareness for a really long time, my head being locked and looking ahead in one place, so much so that I developed a stiff neck from holding it so still. But it was magnificent.

The visions started off again with speed. I was racing at top speed on a racetrack much like a formula 1 circuit and I was picking up speed and weaving into and out of traffic. It was a blast as I navigated at high acceleration where eventually I reached a launch pad where I was then catapulted into orbit. I intuited that this was a futuristic way of travelling called a "shallow orbit." This took me to a city where I was able to create with my hands these designs which formed by simply touching the atmosphere around me. I then saw an enormous billboard which contained within a live woman dancing. She was beautiful and eventually she came out of the billboard and changed into a dragonfly like insect and landed in front of me and started boring into my head. Now, normally this would freak me out but instead I just let it happen until the scene changed and I was in this underground place. I saw a friend of mine taking care of her daughter and then I saw this construct where a giant artificial intelligence superman was being created by gathering up the power inherent in humans. It became clear that humans hold all the power in this world and we are quick to give it away. Corporations use wealth to perpetuate their power but it is all just transient. People need to stop giving away the power they possess. I then saw this giant AI man break free of his constraints and go on a destructive rampage. I knew I had to stop him so I became the jaguar and then through prolonged and sustained attacks at the giant robot I eventually brought him down.

I then found myself in a subterranean location once again. The experience took part in these realms for the majority of my visions this night. In the distance I spotted an owl flying around, then it spotted me and flew towards me. It settled directly in front of my face and stared into my eyes with the non blinking owl stare. It was a large black and brown owl much like the one on don Howard’s Huachuma Mesa. The significance of the owl will reveal itself to me however at the time all I could think of was my Ayahuasca journeys and seeing serpents, jaguars, butterflies, and now this owl. The owl has been a big part of my dreams and omens I witness in the forest near my home as well as the owls on don Howard’s and my own Mesa. 

To now have it come to me in ceremony was unspeakable beyond belief. I recall last time at SpiritQuest being in a trance and staring at the owl on the Mesa and having it blink its eyes at me. I was amazed and grateful for all I have been given in terms of wisdom and knowledge. Life is very mysterious. I feel I have penetrated the mystery to some degree but I’m not ready to fully embrace the magic, to let go of reason, and just witness and experience the unfathomable. However deep down I now know my logic rests on a bed of magic swirling pixie dust. Compared to the mundaneness of the previous ceremony, I was energized and it gave me a sense that there is a purpose to continuing on in these plant medicine journeys. I had been thinking I was at the end but this owl was letting me know there is more.

From this scene I looked up and saw a giant wall which filled with bright light the more I looked up. The wall then started to break up and a giant figure was appearing. I noticed bunches of grapes on the body and I figured this was the eternal return of Dionysos. The vision did not complete but it was hinting at the return. I have awakened the giant, there is still more to do, but the wheels are now in motion. Once again the vision was imploring me not to stop now but to continue on the path.

In this ceremony for some reason the shamans did not start singing their icaros until well into the ceremony. For this gathering all I needed was the jungle ambience; in fact, when the icaros started up I actually preferred the jungle noises this particular night as the visionary catalyst. This is worth exploring or at least spending some time with as it might be a sign of not needing external aids to drive visionary activity and that extends into my meditation practice at home where a new modality of opening up the visionary state could be at hand; don Howard would talk about this and Parker had mentioned using Mapacho to enter into the state as well. I know from my relationship with Mapacho that I can enter into trance, though the visionary activity is muted or not available most of the time.

At one point in ceremony something clicked in my head and I experienced complete and utter bliss capped off by a sublime feeling of contentment. Later on I compared some of the girls I have wanted to be in a long term relationship with but couldn’t have them to this whole experience this time with the Goddess. Culture and I by extension have locked her away for so long that now that I have freed her on a personal level she is not up for being tied down again. She is a wild and free spirit. It is probably time I rethink my culturally driven attitude towards marriage and possession as a peculiar masculine trait. Needless to say, I have lots to think about and lots to write about.

First off is remember to play. Things that are serious are bullshit. Don't take everything so seriously. I went into the ceremonies serious about a sacred union. She wanted to play. Life is play. The universe is at play; it's a dance.

There is a definite call to be a leader and not a follower. Walk your own path. The path only you can travel is the greatest path. So many others are seeking fulfillment by getting you to follow them as a perverse way of acceptance of what they are putting out there. You don't need that anymore or their spin. Lead by example, be selling nothing, and offer only your authenticity. If that attracts people so be it but show them the light and their own path to liberation.

Rethinking attitudes towards eroticism. It is frowned upon in our culture and treated as deviant behaviour. The damage to the psyche is immeasurable. From a personal standpoint I had to do a hard reset. I bought into the shame and treated my feelings of desire as aberrant and tried to rid myself of them. I went back to square one. I was very successful at suppression. I thought I conquered desire. Altering my consciousness repeatedly revealed desire is what makes the world go round. It is the elixir of love which powers up creation. It's not going anywhere; you can't conquer it! So when I saw this clearly I returned to the dance, I understood the power, and I maintain a healthy attitude towards the erotic and our desires. I returned to Peru because of this. I was chasing the Goddess, the sacred feminine which I have awakened within. 

Embrace the essential realization that existence is chiefly sexual and is filled by desire. The need to throw off the chains of culture and embrace the fundamental underpinnings of energy which is eros. To let go of inner conflict, shame, and the feeling that desire is sinful. This prevents us from waking up to the truth of who we are and the nature of our inner life and the great mystery. The mystery found in the the forgotten left hand path, of tantra, and of medieval alchemy. Bask in the esoteric hidden and exotic arts of tantra and alchemy and throw in some Dionysian revelry for good measure.

Those first two ceremonies were off the charts crazy. I was able to describe in detail what went on to those present in the sharing circle. If there were women present I would have had to ask them first if it was alright to describe fully my visions. I’m not sure I would consider any of it work but in retrospect full of insights and an amazing confirmation of my perception of what is the catalyst for creation.

Along the same lines of thought is the insight that the butterfly is the epitome of all women. The grace, beauty, and transience of this winged enchantress defines the Goddess which appears in my visions. She is playful and sensuous and my attempts to be the stereotypical bumbling male butterfly catcher in order to add her to my collection are hilariously thwarted and denied at every turn. At one point she morphed from the Queen to a butterfly, opened up and revealed herself to be a particular female body part and flew away.

I think I will end the description of my latest sojourn by being provocative. You see all my life I didn't believe in magic. In the Amazon plants taught me about intention and how to access different modalities of consciousness. I was taught about having an access to power and the ability to manipulate based upon your intentions in how you want to use this power. I was given access to knowledge which I can't explain. Still my reason and logic side didn't fully buy into it. So, I think I'll just come clean with what I now know. Divination, manipulation of people and events, and access to wisdom and knowledge are possible because you are in communion with the essence of who you are. They are the divine feminine and masculine aspects which are also of the same essence of what constitutes the all. When you realize this and can access this power then you have access to a fount which contains everything. These powers don't give away who they are though. You have to discover that honestly. That's the strange and puzzling part. You as the higher self will play along with your bumbling self, whether you believe you have accessed gods, demons, witches, sorcerers etc., or you figure it out and their ultimate identity. It's you but until you accept it is you then the "higher" you plays along with your ignorance or refusal to acknowledge the fact you are it. It would be fair to label then your higher self a trickster of sorts but it is only a trickster as long as you want to play that game. When you wake up and declare I know who you are then the knowledge of who they are, who you are, is freely admitted to. Conversely, if you access this power, are smitten with the possibilities, and then use it to enrich your so called "lower" mortal self then they play along in this foolish and selfish game as well. It boils down to choice and if your intentions aren't pure then you entrap yourself in the pursuit of an aggrandizement of self. It's best when you access this power to then be of service before self, give it away, and cultivate a love for all. 

walking a path with heart

The naysayers all have their correct path and yours is flawed. Their method is more pure; done without the use of a catalyst. They are one up in this eternal game of my game is better than your game as they demonstrate not only are they winning their game but it is a superior and more accepted game than yours! Granted the plant medicine path just may be a shortcut to the mindfulness you seek, however it is also the most dangerous. So, there, ha! Score one for my path! Instead of a ten year meditation sojourn to bliss while sweeping up at the ashram, you experience it all within a short period of time and there is no hiding from it. You approach and you will receive the light and the dark. You will face tests of courage, strength, and resolve to which no amount of chanting or meditation compares. Having these spiritual tools available, such as a meditation practice, is a great resource however there is no reason to malign whatever path the seeker chooses to walk. As I have said many times before, there are infinite paths to what you are seeking; the only necessity to find what it is you seek is to walk a path that has heart.

There are so many differences within each and every one of us it is folly to think your method works in a superior way or that one size fits all. The plant medicine path isn’t for everyone and properly stewarded it would contain a screening process to make sure those who wish to partake of its benefits are well suited for it. It was tradition in the ancient mystery schools that you had to be accepted into the school; you couldn’t just sign up and expect to be blessed with wisdom and a glimpse of the mystery.

For those who culture has convinced you need a long arduous process and a guru in order to see the light, there is a path for them. This will work in order to satisfy the requirement that the process for awakening is gradual. For those that can handle sudden awakening there is Zen and there are also plant medicines. The integration period that follows awakening is what separates the wheat from the chaff. You can get the answer immediately, but you still must do the work afterward or it remains hollow and will come off as drivel to those who you try and explain your new found insight of the universe. There’s no way around that requirement and this integration is what does take time. You can put off this realization as long as you want and people do love seeking. I get it as it’s fun and it brings meaning to existence, especially if you have locked into a 9 to 5 routine. Eventually, you must realize you have the answer. There’s no party, no confetti, or announcement in the local paper that you are now enlightened. You just know. This is the end of the beginning. You can stop seeking and the path opens up. The old axiom about actions speaking louder than words really comes into play.

sacred tobacco

A big loss to our western culture is our relationship towards tobacco. We use it, abuse it, and big corporations profit off of it. It has become demonized and treated as a vice due to the addictive relationship we have formed with it, the misuse that causes heart disease and cancer, and the peddling of it by greedy corporations whose intent is to addict and profit off of you mindlessly inhaling their product. Nicotine is among the world’s most addictive substances (and poisons) however it all depends on your intent and I will testify towards and argue that to no end. Tobacco, in a proper relationship with it, is your ally and defender.

I never took up smoking when I was younger, largely in part because I never hung around with the crowd that took up smoking because it was cool and rebellious. I saw those teenagers become addicted to it and witnessed their health suffer. Watching people try to kick the habit was a testament to its power. When I first started going to the Amazon in 2013 I was introduced to ‘Mapacho’ which is jungle tobacco and 20x as strong as the cigarettes we smoke. The smoke was harsh, caustic, and pungent. I was not a fan and the smell tended to put me off of it. It wasn’t until the third time I visited the Amazon, and it was during a Huachuma ceremony that I fell in love with the spirit of tobacco. We were up on the star deck at SpiritQuest and the maestro don Howard was masterfully conducting the ritual. We were each given a Mapacho to smoke and send our prayers up to the heavens with the smoke. Something clicked that night, I felt its power, and I started controlling the smoke with my left hand as I sent it skywards. I can’t possibly rationalize or explain how I did this but it was magical. I smoked a bunch of Mapacho that eventful evening and potentiated the Huachuma to such a degree that when I laid down on the stone surface of the sky deck the energy coursed through me at such a rate I was pinned to the ground. I touched my lips to the stone surface and felt the intensity of the vibrations going through me. I barely made it down the hill back to my room and once there had to vomit as the intensity was so off the charts.

This night is forever etched within my being and when I got back home my intention was to explore my new found relationship with tobacco. Explore it I did and the spirit of tobacco became my ally and I treat him with reverence and respect. I smoked and snuffed enough of it over a period of time establishing this relationship that I should have became addicted. I observed its effects and was cognizant of any need or desire to smoke it. Nothing. It’s because I treat the act as sacred and I thank tobacco for its blessings. I have written a few blog post regarding Mapacho that I will note here:

https://fessell810.blogspot.com/2018/05/my-friend-and-teacher-mapacho.html

https://fessell810.blogspot.com/2017/05/confluence.html

The effects of the active alkaloid nicotine within tobacco on me I observed was an excitation of the central nervous system leading to awareness and arousal which the Hindus would call the awakening of the Kundalini. Furthermore after a few minutes this excitation became calm and I would develop an acute awareness and perception of my surroundings, which if I quieted the mind would lead me to become just the observer.

This weekend I was listening to an Alan Watts lecture which I had heard before and he was discussing meditation where you quiet the mind and eventually when you master this you become the observer. The Hindus would call this the Atman where actions, events, and thoughts all taking place are subject to a deeply hidden part of you that just observes everything dispassionately without getting caught up in the madness of the world. I’ve always noticed this ability within myself as I perform well under pressure and am able to block out distractions. A casualty of being able to do this is a discernible lack of empathy at times. I just observe the situation without getting caught up in it or feeling the need to “do something, anything.” I have noted before that Alan Watts lectures tend sometimes to go over my head but on the tenth time listening to it I finally grasp what he is saying and finally get it. So today I realized that the path of a sacred relationship with Mapacho is a doorway to the Atman; to the hidden observer within us all. So off to the forest I went, Mapacho puros and snuff in hand.

Mapacho tobacco and snuff with kuripe

It was exactly how I finally grokked it. I became the observer. 

the spiritual man's schtick

On this path which can lead to a spiritual awakening, the expectation is that you would run into many instances of the masculine ideal of enlightenment or the behaviours that are deemed necessary to achieve it. If you join up with a discipline then discipline you are in for! The guru path will eventually lead to an understanding of awareness and attachment after you have moved up through the ranks. We suffer because we seek fulfillment in ideals that have their root in the machinations of the mind. When these desires are not fulfilled then we suffer. So, the antidote and the ultimate goal is to let go of all attachments and not to desire.

What a way to live! The ascetic life of no pleasure and a denial of the passions. Through this practice, and not attaching to anything, you become one with your higher self and are a beacon of pure consciousness. That's the whole trip! You are the cosmic alpha male, superior to all others. As a culture, we have embraced a god who is a domineering and righteous male overlord. He has as one of his epithets the title of "the most high." Pleasure is frowned upon, especially sex as it is for procreation only. 

Then why bother with life? Why go on with this charade? To be human is to experience, to desire, to get attached, and to suffer. Through the agony and ecstasy of life, we learn the value of cooperation and love of our fellow travellers on this journey. Love is the most spiritual thing you will ever encounter in your life. There is no other comparison and having the ability to love and be loved is something that should not be wasted. There is nothing spiritual about asceticism and non-attachment, no far from it. The spiritual path ultimately needs balance or it becomes another male only quest, a competition to ascend the mountain, and become the most high.