disturbed

The most disturbing thing I have ever been a part of in my life was an Ayahuasca ceremony. I can say on multiple occasions I have been highly disturbed by what transpired. What has been disturbing is the darkness contained within the experience which I not only witnessed in vision but also a feeling of unease and intuition that something I have unearthed here just isn’t my normal and mostly comfortable self. The darkness encountered is a barrier to further exploration of the subconscious and brings upon the inner explorer a time of crisis and questioning whether they want to continue to dive into the depths. The divide at this point is whether you want to continue with ceremonies and exploring consciousness or do you give them up? If you give them up the rational excuse is that it was incredibly illuminating to experience the visionary but that was all you needed or wanted to see. If you do continue on in the journey then you become hyper-aware of the bad trip. So, in my case when I first went exploring back in 2013 I was pummelled by my subconscious and spent almost a year recovering and then it was another year before mustering the courage to continue on. I developed strategies to deal with the bad trip, aided by the advice of others. It is a necessary part of the journey, as the exploration of all of consciousness isn’t easy once you have had that bad trip. There are barriers to exploring your hidden dark side and well if there weren’t these blocks then it wouldn’t be hidden, now would it? When I continued on the path the darkness kept returning, hinting at something I didn’t want to face up to. I had my defences readied for the onslaught though and learned how to successfully navigate the storm. The way through it is to disengage the mind and enter into the heart space. It works 100% of the time and so the exploration of consciousness becomes easier since I can handle all which comes my way.

I never leave things alone and I always want to poke at it with a stick. I’ll get the answer or solution to a problem and instead of being content or decide to live happily ever after I instead develop a better microscope and peer even deeper into the mystery. So on my last journey to Peru I was presented with the de facto answer of how to live in bliss, essentially to be high, and it is through the heart and love. I was shown to be in the heart space and full of love will take you to heaven. To engage the mind will bring you back down and eventually to hell. I was given situations over and over again by the plant teachers which showed me how it works. I was elated that all my work with the plant medicines over the course of seven years and about forty ceremonies paid off with this wisdom and knowledge.

I have been integrating these lessons and have gone even further with them. With the help of Ram Dass, I learned even more about being love and how we tend to eventually re-introduce the mind into the heart space and from that develops possessiveness and jealousy along with fear of losing a loved one. We tend to look to others to give us love when in fact love comes from within and from this knowledge we can learn how to become love and have love for all instead of it being something in a limited quantity which is reserved for only some. These were really powerful lessons. I would of course relapse back into the mind and become judgmental and find others annoying but I’d catch myself and remember my plant medicine teachings. If you want to live in hell then keep it up…

It brought up a lot of soul searching and insights. First of all, who am I kidding? I know I still have desires and traits which aren’t all that inclusive and loving. I looked back on my life and wow I’m kind of fucked up. Am I a creep? My dark side sure can be creepy. It’s all still there; I just recognize and have come to terms with the complete self. Then I got to thinking about the bad trips and the darkness. In sum, I reacted the way the lower self/darkness wanted me to react. It’s all part of setting up the barriers to the exploration of all of consciousness. I’m smart and resourceful and so when I continued on the journey of course I learned how to navigate the darkness. Plant medicines present the darkness to you over and over and then you avoid it so you can have a happy time. You see how it works? Funny isn’t it? Plant medicines are trying to get you to experience all of consciousness. The lower self knows all the tricks in how to keep you away from the dark regions and stay hidden; scare you and then help you develop strategies so it is all love and light. Anesthetize the plant medicine experience so that the darkness within remains buried. Engage the heart, go to heaven. Engage the mind, go to hell.

The mind is the doorway into the bad trip and the road paved to hell. When you engage the mind while on plant medicines then you head off into crazy territory. It’s chaotic and undisciplined, like a conspiracy theory on steroids. However, the mind gets you into the lower self and surfaces the darkness so you can finally integrate it all. I have the requisite knowledge to be aware of the pitfalls of the exploration of the lower self. How disciplined is my mind after 52 years of life experience and seven years of consciousness exploration? Despite all efforts to remain hidden I am essentially saying to the darkness within, “I see you!” Where does this path lead?

The precipice where I stand reveals the depths of transformation where if feelings go without recognition, are ignored, and unrequited then they turn dark. Therein lies the dilemma and to bring balance into one’s life. The desperate longing and search for connection if not fulfilled turns into pleasure seeking or escapism to temporarily satiate the need and eventually the reckoning comes and that manifests as depression or destructive behaviour. I understand it and would make a good psychologist. Therein lies the challenge: are you a teacher or a doer?

I love a challenge; it is definitely a source of motivation and will lead me to a single-minded focus to solve the problem. Thou shall not pass. Who decides the line between sanity and insanity? I have identified my darkness as a problem; whether that is valid or not is a question I leave open and will reserve the right to answer at a later date. Instead, I know I am energized to keep looking now that I know I can handle it without running scared or thinking I will go crazy. The key to the next phase of the journey is to be heart-centred so when I do hit the spigot it doesn’t destroy me. Love is the elixir which transforms the destructive tendencies of desires that rise up from the darkness and are given currency by the mind. I need to find the source and embrace the part of me which lies in the depths.

quantified magic

In terms of levels of consciousness that are available, the level we are experiencing is vibrating at a rate that is based upon ego structure along with logic and reason, so any of the old superstitions like magic, spells, and related enchantments are a level of consciousness long past and relegated to the category of woo. At one time it was accessible, as we were vibrating on its wavelength so we experienced transference, shared thoughts and emotions, and feelings such as empathy and compassion were the norm. You could say it was a more inclusive vibe that was feminine in its makeup and made us more open to love. Conversely, we now operate on a level of vibration that is self-centred and goal orientated. It truly is a man’s world. Unfortunately, now when you come across groups that are saying they perform magic, they are of the same ilk as the conspiracy theorists who are trying to suck you into their deluded forms of thinking. They are also appealing to a higher power with a petition for change via fiat which is similar to the modality of prayer. There is a failure to realize their own divinity and the accessible magic which starts with them. This is unfortunate because it devalues magic and consigns it to the fringe. Most who currently say they are practising magic and its derivatives are being disingenuous and they are taking you away from really discovering what magic is.

Magic is something that can be quantified by science and brought into the reasoning world because magic is obfuscated forms of vibrational consciousness. For instance, every time I’m in the set and setting which is the conduit for the energy that is potentiated through ingesting Huachuma, I can experience states of transference of energy plus connections with nature and other beings which is normally unavailable. To me, that is what magic is and I think if enough people who are analytical did experience this phenomenon, they would start experimenting and mapping these accessible levels of consciousness we can vibrate into. The result of this inquiry would demystify and bring magic back into our realm. Once magic is brought out into the open it then ceases to become magic but that’s not to deny that it does exist. It becomes science and knowledge at that point. Take for instance the discovery of electricity. It's a hidden power that when first discovered would seem like magic to those who were living what we would consider a primitive life. The magic of electricity has brought us so much in terms of advancing civilization. Eventually, we were able to ascertain the properties of the mysterious force and through science make predictions of its behaviour. This allowed for mass distribution and it lights up our lives. The mysterious is the magic and it is exactly because it is not integrated into our logic and reasoning culture we don’t have access to it.

As civilization presses forward, all that once was magic becomes demystified and through observation of its regularities and properties it becomes science. Science takes on the role of prophecy in being able to predict behaviours. Imagine how magical fire must have been at one point in our civilizations? In fact, it is still pretty magical to sit around a campfire and gaze at the flickering flames. Just because we have observed the properties and reduced the combustion down into its constituent parts doesn’t make it any less magical that such a phenomenon exists. This line of inquiry also presents us with the perplexing question: why does phenomenon such as fire and electricity exist?

A plant medicine experience is very magical and can be unexplainable. Fundamentally in working long enough with them, you discover that plant medicines are consciousness technologies. The results are unpredictable, much like our psyche, and therefore are a challenge to investigate or create a blueprint for the trip. That’s not to say that generalizations cannot be made about the experience or that if you spend enough time with them then the commonality of the experience will become evident among those who take the substances. A big reason for their unpredictability is the experience is never just about the plant; rather, it involves the plant and most importantly you. It is an exploration of your consciousness which has been tinged by your psyche and culture at large making each trip and individual unique. That’s the spice of life in which we all come from the same source however we all carve out our own unique path, contributing to the tapestry of life.

The plant teacher Huachuma can put out some serious love vibes through its medicine. Through experiencing that state of consciousness it can light the spark within to motivate us towards bringing that state of consciousness back into the world at large. In sum, that what’s we are dealing with because if we still were living in a world that was tuned into the love frequency, then drinking Huachuma surely wouldn’t be medicinal, but rather just odd! 

everyone is your crush

Let the dark side out for a walk as it’s the only way to peer in to the workings and underpinnings of self. When I’m on the pure and righteous path, insights into my darkness are pretty piss poor. My intuition and thought cisterns are filled in the coming days after a dalliance with the dark. This is nothing to be afraid of and I’m not preaching hedonism as love comes from this buried region as well. Let love out of the cage; all forms of it. It’s very instructive. It’s pretty delicious to get a crush on someone. I love that feeling of surrender to cupid’s arrow and just enjoying the intoxicating feeling that washes over you in the presence of your muse. That is until the mind takes over and makes it a problem. The projecting into the future, the uncertainty of whether this love will go unrequited, then the eventual nesting instinct, and the need to possess. Thoughts turn to jealousy and needing to control the behaviour of others. What a shit show this whole feeling devolved into! How do we not get trapped in this nightmare? Love all, serve all, and create no sorrow. Everyone is your crush.

Can I do that? Love all and treat everyone as the beloved? What a challenge that is. I mean if you want a lifelong project bequeathed to you by inveterate seeking then here you go. Give up selfish love for the love of all. Wow! What a predicament I find myself in.

Ram Dass talks about learning to love all and transcending the paradigm of loving only one at a time. I’m a long way away from finding fulfillment that way. I know exactly what he is talking about though as I don’t think our maturity level is at the point where romantically we can handle loving unconditionally. Relationships always end up involving possessiveness and jealousy which pull you away from the original feeling of love generated from the heart. To transcend this is to love all. To taste love is to want more. The feeling is roused from being with others but comes from within. I know what he is saying.

A path of the heart is through plant medicines. With their teachings, no matter who you are, you will glimpse this love that is pervasive within the universe. You will feel it and when you do you will reach a stage where the door to your heart has been pried open. It might take a while to unlock but eventually if you keep it up and you are with a practitioner that is skilled in doing this, then that door to love will be opened and you are going to experience bliss that comes from the heart when you start to love others and yourself. It’s not new to us because in our younger years we probably did at one point experience an open heart however culture and life happens and for a lot of us we shut down the heart as part of a self-preservation mode, or you just get tired of being hurt, and so you encase your heart because you don’t want to feel that hurt anymore. There’s a level of maturity, and I’m not at that point, however I can see it now where when you love someone it is not unconditional so we introduce the mind into our feelings of love and then that’s when we get possessive and jealous. There are all these factors that go into this love we feel and it is the ultimate teacher where we just get so bogged down into the other issues like is that person going to continue to love us or do they really love us and we start questioning it. Even through love we still bring ourselves into this hell world and ultimately it’s not what love is supposed to do so there has to be another way or an answer to the question: how do I not get trapped in this?

Before I went down on this latest trip, I started listening to a bunch of Ram Dass’ lectures and the content of them I found compelling but obviously some of them you hear what he is talking about but you don’t relate it to your own experiences until you re-experience those feelings. I am so appreciative of Huachumita for giving me the opportunity to experience what had been lost and pretty much forgotten. To feel and be enchanted once again by life and to taste the deliciousness of connection. In Peru all those feelings came up and then when I returned home and listened to Ram Dass again, it was like holy shit he is talking about what I’m going through and the big lesson I got from one of his lectures was that you are love and love comes from within and is not something externally that you find. You may use a catalyst; whether it is a person, nature, or animals and they are the key that unlocks the love that is already in you. Once understood, you realize I can be this walking conduit for love and I don’t have to rely on someone else to constantly give me that juice or look for something that is going to activate this within me; I just need to cultivate it within myself. Instead of just loving one at a time and becoming trapped by that and needing them to activate the love within, the mature destination on the path of the heart is to realize that you are that love and to love everybody instead of just the one and trying to possess that one. I can’t say I’m there yet but at least I understand what he was saying and I see that is the way forward, no matter how much I want to experience that possessive love again. I know from my life history that possessive love never works out. It’s almost like the lesson the Goddess has been trying to teach me all along where our separation is because I wanted to possess her and I can get close but I never can fully have her for my own and she knows that if she gives in and I give in to the desire to possess then the flame dies out and the long separation begins once again.

You don’t find love externally; it’s in your heart. You are looking for those who can help you activate what you already have. We get addicted to others because we haven’t learned this lesson and think we can only find love through external means. Affirm to yourself that you are love.

mapacho the great teacher

Smoking Mapacho, as I have written about before, is a meditation cheat in that it acts as a laxative for the mind and allows you to enter a state of no mind, which makes it easier to connect to universal consciousness as opposed to our individual self-centred and limiting consciousness. The nicotine within tobacco is also a central nervous system stimulator which over time is developed a tolerance. When I first started smoking, it would give me a rush after smoking just one puro, so much so I’d have to sit down, close my eyes, and hang on for the ride, as it was pretty intense. Eventually because of tolerance, I’d have to smoke quite a bit to get to this state and in truth it is pretty hard to smoke a lot of Mapacho over a short period of time. I eventually found a snuff that would achieve this result with a few quick snorts up the nose. It burns, causes an evacuation of the sinus cavities, and sneezing, though worth it when done out in nature. It’s hard to do this in polite company though! This past weekend I learned something about myself and Mapacho. Don Howard would always tell us to "lean into it" and finally I decided to lean into smoking Mapacho. After smoking a couple I just pushed past my block of not wanting to smoke more and continued puffing on a few more. I felt some of the familiar energy I feel with Huachuma return in the form of CNS agitation and I closed my eyes. I saw red, it was peaceful and eventually the red changed to green. Then on to purple, mimicking the rising power of the kundalini as it pierces through the chakras. I felt the vibrations and I opened my eyes and everything was sharp, the birds were chirping, and the splashes of green on this spring day were popping.

There was a lesson being taught to remember to embrace all these varied states of consciousness: the red representing the passion and desire, the green the inclusiveness of the heart, and the purple the higher spiritual state all we seekers try to achieve. It’s a big reason why I consider Alan Watts the greatest spiritual teacher of all. You see Alan was well versed, educated, and understood all the spiritual traditions, yet he didn’t promulgate one specific teaching, nor did he follow or join any of them. He resisted the siren call to become whatever and remained true to the wisdom that the answer is found within and once you discover that truth you don’t need a crutch. Not only that but he didn’t fall for the spiritual trip and think he could become a holy man. Instead, Alan embraced all of it and revelled in his humanity. He drank heavily, tripped on LSD, smoked like a chimney, ate the finest food, divorced and remarried, and had a scandalous affair all the while a practicing minister. In spite of all that or most likely because of it, he recognized that each and everyone one of us was it and there was nothing you really need to do, whether that be angling for a reward in the afterlife or trying to shed karma for past misdeeds.

Mapacho reminded me to keep looking within and all the answers will be waiting. Continuously, the progression of consciousness within has now been red, green, and purple mimicking a set up of my mesa that symbolizes the lower, middle, and upper world crossed with the power of the feminine and the masculine. All is eventually reconciled in the centre; the axis mundi where we stand face to face with the truth. Everything that sums as self presents itself as unquestionably connected. As you look into the mirror whom do you see? Do you see just a lonely and powerless being or do you see it all?