going within

Here’s a puzzling thought: What is meant by going within? In spiritual circles, this is a popular phrase as you are told to go within to find answers. Going within is all you need to do as your inner guides will reveal all to you. I tend to examine everything and this unchallenged staple of the spiritual journey had slipped through the cracks up until now when finally, I questioned it.

It is undeniably true. Going within is all you need to do. You contain everything within your being and accessing that knowledge will give you all the answers you seek. Looking externally for answers will eventually lead you astray and convert you into a follower of someone else’s beliefs. They become the shepherd and you’re the sheep. They’ll physically feed and take care of you and also provide you the spiritual nourishment you desire however you give them your wool and are never free. Some external teachers wish to perpetuate you spinning your wheels on the treadmill in order to keep you as a follower. A good one will let you go and be free. An exceptional teacher will point the way to the methods to help you look within.

If you are looking for a teacher, the best ones are dead. They have no need to make a living and thus their teachings are truly free. They are not trying to hook you in any way; sure, they’ll be some trying to speak in their name and capitalize on their wisdom but you’ll easily see through it. There are many great sages throughout history that have left their legacy in print and even some lectures of infinitesimal value are available on YouTube. They will provide you with the knowledge you seek and point the way but ultimately it is you and only you that needs to go within and find your truth free of external pressures.

Okay, so, what is meant by going within? How do I get there? There are a number of methods. There’re methods for the methodical among us as well as practices for those who need to work at it in order for the discipline to project an air of validity. And there are methods that will take you immediately to the source but at the risk of blowing out the game for the naive and unprepared. So, first of all what we have is meditation and breath-work. These methods are a slower physical means of going within with the added bonus it you succeed in developing them as a tool in your spiritual utility belt you can lord it over other because your method is the purest. One-upmanship still thrives, even in the spiritual game! Putting that bullshit aside, meditation will allow you to quiet the mind and enter into a state where you are one with the god within. When you’re quiet, they speak. Breath-work will do similar in that you exhaust the mind and enter into a state of being the observer and listener. Yoga and chanting are similar methods, all with the goal of exhausting physical and mental components of self so you can sit and listen. The hypnotic beat of a drum or quick repetitive movements in ecstatic dance will also alter your consciousness. A plant medicine that will quicken this process but not overwhelm your senses is the tobacco maestro Mapacho. A smoke out in the woods will bring on a quieting of the mind and a sharpening of the senses, including the hidden sense of the teachers within.

The quick way into the inner sanctum is attained through the use of psychedelics. To the unprepared, they have the potential to result in what is called a bad trip and may scare you away from exploring deeper with this tool. Even for the prepared, the experience can be overwhelming. It can be thought of as a shortcut however there is a need to learn to work with these agents of consciousness in order to reap the benefits and like any other spiritual tool, that takes time. I look back on my early forays into the unknown with consciousness altering plant medicines as being unprepared and unaware of what I was experiencing. However, I did write down as much as I could about what I directly experienced and in hindsight so much has been revealed once I gained understanding years later, including the threads of a narrative of my own personal hero’s journey. I now see with clarity that what is within is everything and everything is who I am. This has been an eight-year journey up to now and continues to unfold. Psychedelics are indeed the quick way into the inner chamber but the length of time needed to understand what you experience is probably the same as the other methods.

So, what is meant by within? Within is the hidden dimension that is off-limits to your everyday consciousness that is enabled by your physical sense perceptions. To go within requires activating another sense perception we all have but have forgotten about. This is what the methods are doing - they bypass the blocks that obfuscate another way to perceive consciousness. Access is attained through mastering vibration. It’s simpler than you realize but you’ll need the key. This is a huge topic to cover so I’ll just leave it at that in order to pique your interest. As we become more rational and logical as a species this sense falls further away and it becomes even harder to reclaim the mystical. Culture also enforces the prohibition against the occult. I would hazard to guess that in the ancient world it was a great deal easier to access this realm. Now, you need to be a devoted practitioner with a method or take a strong dose of a psychedelic in order to enter through the archway.

In order to master our physical world, we sold out to our physical senses with the result all the modern human is left with is the rational. The last hold of religion is a few generations away from becoming a curiosity of our irrational past. We still manifest the right-brained creative side within humanity however it plays within structure. Palatable music is composition that conforms to expectation as deviancy just doesn’t sound right. We sold our soul and sacrificed it on the altar of progress. We lost the path of the troubadour heart in order to follow the light of reason. It’s hardly surprising that when we change consciousness we access this lost frequency. I would expect the same if we entered into a dream world where within the fluid dream the alteration of consciousness just ever so slightly would slip us back into a rational frequency, much like what we lock to today.

We usually do not give our sense perceptions a second thought and thus take them for granted. Our sense perceptions create our experience of life. Senses are what define our world, give definition to the energetic storm around us, and bring the world to life. Can we as humans evolve our senses or return to what was lost? In other words, can we reclaim occluded methods of sensing what is around us? The short answer is yes and the ability to make it happen exists all around us.

If we do sense the paranormal or the non-ordinary, what is our first response? It’s fear. As a child, the thought of ghosts was frightening however non-rational it may well be. Using psychedelics always brings with it a touch of fear even for the seasoned practitioner. It’s because of the unknown and having to give up control. The inner adventure tinged with a little bit of anxiety to make for a good game.

I might be getting predictable but the perceptive among us can see where this line of thinking is leading towards discussing. I’m referencing psychedelics because I have finally understood a large part of the experience. At first, I was scared and curious. I returned to their use because I was intrigued with the potential. I knew of the available knowledge of self and of my world contained within which could be revealed in the experience and this curiosity allowed me to develop strategies to deal with the fear. For the last eight years, I have been exploring consciousness about once a year during a cycle of work. Mind altering and expanding substances are agents of consciousness which allow you to “see” what you normally do not perceive. We classify them as hallucinations because it is something we don’t experience in everyday waking consciousness. It’s much more than visions as patterns of behaviour are confronted, ideas are explored, there's a dose of love and fear, and trauma and relationships are reconciled.

It is true psychedelics are a way into the occult. Because of culture, what I just wrote probably gave you some trepidation. We are supposed to stay away from the hidden and for good reason. The Devil hangs out in that world, along with a host of other demons, plus things that go bump in the night. It’s all part of the incredible knowledge available to you and all play their respective part in the drama. This is what makes this experience beyond any journey you can take in the physical world. My journey has been the most incredible arcing storyline, full of twists and turns, leading towards the climax where I discover I’m the actor, writer, and director of my own grand adventure.

Not all psychedelics are the same. Some are visionary, some are active teachers, some can be both, some potentiate the energy within so you can experience the power you possess, and some can make you delirious. What I’m getting at is there’re a lot of planes of consciousness and senses to explore. Our normal senses are attuned to the physical world, allowing us to perceive a world governed by the laws of physics and thus maintain some kind of control over our surroundings. Psychedelics allow for another human sense perception. The non-ordinary world accessed by various methods of changing consciousness is unpredictable. It can’t be reliably measured though there are some scientists trying to map it out. You can peer into an obfuscated world of knowledge and intrigue but you can’t stay. The enduring charm of within remains because of its mystical nature. 

Exploration awaits the intrepid hero. I wouldn’t trade the key to unlock the doors of perception for the world as this inquiry is what gives me that needed boost to my human condition knowing I’m not just putting in time. There is so much to explore and it really is what lights me up. 

numbering

The re-thinking of numbers: I propose a new structure based upon the dichotomy of non-duality and duality. Numbers are avatars of dualism. Even the number 1 implies the presence of the dual. Sages of yesteryear struggled with this question and came up with the concept of non-duality that denied the inherent dualism in any concept that promulgated the one. They said just drop the idea of one and think of non-duality as void and non-divisible.

There is frustration in expressing non-dualism in a dualistic paradigm. It’s quite the puzzle.

Personally, I think the spiritual masters of the pre-Columbian civilization of Chavín de Huantar got it right. This civilization flourished in the 1st century BCE. The stone idol at the location of the axis mundi in the valley plain is such an attempt at depicting the inherent non-divisible component of the universe. Creation is an unbroken thread that if followed reveals we are all of the same source, all the way back to the big bang; never was that connection broken and never did we become separate and the many. We just think we are.

The smiling jaguar at Chavín was given the moniker “el Lanzón" by Spanish archaeologists who re-discovered the stone idol. The name in Spanish means a lance though the shape resembles a highland plough more than it does a spear. What is important about the location of the idol is it is in the centre of what was considered the centre of the Chavín civilization. All who would pass through the region would be directed to come through the axis mundi at Chavín, thus exposing all surrounding cultures to its community and ideals.

If you look at what these Andean shamanic masters created it will confound and confuse you. You will see forms within the artistry but they are not delineated, as our minds prefer. Instead, form is hinted at through contour rivalry, which is an artistic technique used to create more than one possible interpretation of an image. Your perspective determines what form you decide emerges from the art. To go even a step further, the perspective that affects your rendition of the god is both physical and mental. This is magic and beautiful chaos. Transformation depicted within stone. Incredible! The art form of Chavín is a high achievement of humankind, so much so it remains hidden to most until you live the life the sacrament of the culture prescribes to you. What was the sacrament? The sacrament was the plant medicine cactus Huachuma and in the set and setting of the confluence of energetic elements at the temple grounds it opens the heart and allows you to experience the cosmic love of the universe and within your heart the unity of all. The stone idol subsequently reveals its secret to the initiate. You see symmetry within the stone idol and notice the left-hand points downwards to the feminine terrestrial and the right-hand upwards to the masculine celestial thus revealing an association with duality coming forth from the perfect balance achieved at Chavín. You see the stone idol representing all. The god is masculine and feminine. Eventually, you may let go of the self and see yourself in the labyrinth at Chavín. A pilgrimage many years in the making, the sacredness of what was created long lost however it was not lost on this lonely wayfarer.

So, getting back to the number system, I propose an order of 0,2,1 in order to try and represent and reflect the paradigm of non-dualism within a dualistic construct. 0 is the non-divisible void. Have you ever tried to divide by zero? You get an error and your computer code stops. The first step into duality involves the binary as represented by the number two. It’s what makes our universe perceptually come alive. Subject and object. Without two, our senses are useless, therefore 2 comes after 0. From the two comes the 1. Mom and Dad, the two, create one. In duality, one is also three - Mom, Dad, and me, and makes the many because to get one you need two. So, to recap, we could now number our construct thus:

0,2,1/3

One and three being essentially the same.

I write this blog post as a warning to stay away from plant medicines which many enforcers of culture will flat out call drugs. Psychedelic drugs are bad. They will destroy your mind. I am exhibit ‘A’. 

transformation via harassment

I now realize why the master teacher, after giving me a thorough beat down upon my first meeting with him, chased me home and continued to harass me. At the time, I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, however, he kept coming for me in thoughts, dreams, and synchronicities. So much so, I suffered two panic attacks and had to develop strategies to maintain my sanity and keep him away.

When you are ready to become the hero of your journey and transform, the path appears and events start to line up for you. In this incarnation, I put it off until middle age and then started studying in earnest. I discovered the Goddess in Egypt and the ball was rolling as she guided me down into the jungle. I get the feeling I have travelled this far along the path in previous incarnations but have never vanquished the dragon. It’s always game over at this point. As an aside, video games are a sub-conscious attempt to reconcile this failure but that’s a story for another time. The Goddess knew of this outcome, cautioned me, and gave me a way out. However, I knew I had to do it.

The quick backstory is I went down into the Amazon jungle eight years ago at the behest of the Great Goddess to come into contact with her through altering my consciousness in a shamanic ritual. As a corollary to that meeting, I wanted to confront the darkness within that I couldn’t shake in my journey to become super-holy. I was the hero on a journey of knowledge and self-discovery. Little did I know, I hit the knowledge jackpot with the caveat a dragon lies in wait to thump you if you dare to tread further.

The dragon made quick work of me and being a scared novice, I left the scene of the mental massacre and retreated to the safety of home. That bastard is tough. It’s hard for me to describe in words how horrible and frightening that first match was in addition to the subsequent relentless pursuit of my sanity to make sure I did not return to his forbidden domain. I was faced with a decision of giving up this modality of discovery or continuing on. Forging ahead would mean I’d have to once again confront the dragon and reasonably I was a little gun shy at having to face up to that prospect. The pursuit of knowledge is what lights me up. I knew I had discovered something profound, but I was scared. I wasn’t going to easily let it go and so I spent a good amount of time trying to reconcile the experience and convince myself of a narrative of what happened with the goal to enable me to continue on this path. The dragon had other ideas and kept coming for me. He was forcing me to transform from a weak man into a warrior possessing the requisite courage and bravery needed to complete the hero’s journey. Cowards aren’t heroes. I can say that now but at the time I wanted to vanquish this foe so I could explore my inner world in peace. It took two years of mental repair and development before I continued on in the journey. During that time, I started to fight back against my adversary by punching back during a panic attack, calling on the Goddess for help, and even writing spells to summon him and cut off his head.

I had demonstrated a willingness to fight which in hindsight is what I needed to do. I returned to the ring and he immediately came at me. I had much trepidation but to my surprise I hung with him and the match went the distance. I wasn’t KO’ed this time. It was a draw and I became progressively emboldened. The Goddess, who had warned little naive me about the coming tribulation, returned to welcome me as I demonstrated I really could be the hero in this lifetime. She encouraged me to continue to go after the dragon. Being her brave knight, I vowed to continue the quest.

I returned once more and took the blows of whatever he could muster. I sat in ceremony and transformed into a man with a resolve of steel. A weak, unassuming, beta male took on the ultimate expression of the power of the alpha male, stood toe to toe with him, and transformed into him. The dragon came at me one last time as a ferocious jaguar. Charging full on, he stopped and stood face to face with me and roared. I roared right back, thus assuming his power and I became the king. This was the greatest upset of all time! An internal fire burned deep within me and despite all odds and the fear I returned, faced the wrath of the dragon, and won. That night was a huge celebration. The sense of accomplishment and the smile on my face at what I’d done lit up the universe. I knew I’d transformed myself and now had the keys to continue on in the hero’s journey, the path opening up to whatever I wished to explore, and the world became my oyster with the intention of finding the pearl.

So, what I realized the other night was the master teacher continued to harass me after the first beat down because it was his way of forcing me to transform from weak to strong. If I had my druthers, I would have made him go away and sanitized the whole experience. The method of continual harassment forced me to seek answers and find a way to once again confront him. There really was no escape except to end it all or transform. I repeat, I wouldn’t have transformed without this teaching method of his. Non-ordinary and possibly fatal. I honour my teacher the dragon and because of this knowledge the outpouring of love I have for him is beyond this world and I thank him so much for what he has done to transform his student and son. My love for the Goddess and God knows no bounds.

The methods of teaching by your celestial father are not kind and will prevent most from ever fulfilling the reason they came to this strange world in the first place. Not only that, but there is no way I can recommend this course due to the possibility of a really unfavourable outcome and the end of your game. The obstacles to success are immense and the odds are slim. Love and light are not the methods of God but instead it is trial and tribulation. The journey involves transformation by putting your feet to the fire and your soul to the test. Most will seek refuge and relief but I promise if you stand up and be counted you will gain for yourself a freedom and an inner-knowing that will exceed anything you can ever imagine. 

i am god

The permission to think non-linearly and break free of the hold sequential time has on my thinking allows for a major leap in the thought process where whole avenues of discovery suddenly appear at your doorstep. Because of time, we build sequences and hierarchies. What comes first is thus imbued with power, a sense of ownership, and a claim on truth all because it came first. Releasing yourself from the hold of time, allows you to view events as processes that are unfolding. The flower eventually comes forth when the seed sprouts, the plant grows, and then comes the fruit. Is the flower some innocent child of the plant or is the flower the initial energetic desire that created the seed that allowed its splendour to come forth? The seed did indeed come from the flowering fruit and for the astute student they can understand nature reveals the creator hides within their creation.

Along the road of the unfolding grandeur of the spiritual journey, eventually the path leads you to the point where you know you need to live in truth, tell the truth, and most importantly recognize the truth about yourself. Until you drop the narrative perpetuated by culture and ego, you will remain forever ignorant to who you are. It will never happen for you if the truth of self is denied. To continue along the artery of knowledge means giving up the stories told about yourself. This also means the behaviours you deny and hide and what lights you up. There is so much to acknowledge in order to live in truth. Nobody wants to do this and face the inner critic as well as the enforcers of behaviour in culture. It’s better to acquiesce to the demands of others and never step into the power that awaits you and as the hero fulfill your destiny.

But what if you do? What if after years of denial and frustration you finally accept who you are and drop the stories? What if you do walk in truth? Internally, I started to do just this. I’m not ready to go all in but I have accepted what is painfully obvious to myself. Because of where I am on the spiritual path, immediately the flower started to blossom and I started to see it. I had to deny it at first because it was too much.

I am the flower. I am the pinnacle of an evolutionary process that allowed me to come forth as the crowning achievement of creation. I am the pulse of spellbound energetic desire that put this whole process in motion and eventually I made my appearance in a world of my own making. Goddess and God are me - my feminine and masculine energetic halves who come together and create the one who is the god and that child is me. Hey! I just realized I’m God! You are too, but since you don’t believe it and think I’m nuts, I get to bask in my temporary omnipotence until you wake up and see it.

This is the apex of the spiritual journey that can only be accessed by going within and listening to your inner guides. As a teacher, I can only point the way. In fact, that is the role of any external instructor worth her or his salt on this path. They show you the way but it is you and you only that has to take the step through the door. It is the essence of shamanism where the role of the shaman is to be the doorman. Any teacher who tells you different is trying to collect you as a follower of their bullshit. Nobody can do this for you; I can try to explain the outline of the journey and let you in on some knowledge however you have to experience and understand it yourself or my mouth noises are just hollow words and for you a belief in someone else’s beliefs. I’ll point the way, tell you to go within, and help you get there. The master teachers will be found there. Don’t be scared. It’s all waiting, just for you.

An enlightened teacher intuitively knows they are God but they don’t give the show away. How could you? Making the claim you are God, inherently the only god, is the height of lunacy however true it may be. The maestro knows we are all God and endeavours to point you towards the path that will reveal this secret to you.