my heart is my mother

My understanding of my inner life has been thrown for a bit of a loop. I have to take stock of the knowledge and situation and re-pattern my thinking and understanding. It is not going to be a flick of a switch; instead, I'll need to meditate on my knowledge in order to find clarity. You see, the problem is I assigned my rapaciousness to my shadow because it made me feel better to offload how abhorrent a world of suffering I had created onto something else. I wanted to be the good guy and denigrate the part of me that wants what he wants. I did a good job of fooling myself.

I have to figure out this split. I assigned the bad to the omnipotent god within I had discovered by repeatedly going into my shadow and encountering the psychic split. I now have the intuitive feeling that I have lumped everything together and created this dragon because I didn't want to come to terms with the horror of self. It is actually a mirror I was looking into and didn't acknowledge the reflection.

I wanted to believe I am the good guy.

I have come forth many times into the world of form. I am an eternal happenstance. That is true; however, my incarnations are all unique. Who I am now is special and will never recur. That's a pretty good clue I successfully ignored. I am an iteration of the great masculine life force. This life force is the Greek zoë who is indestructible. The zoë acts through the bios, which is the feminine body. The body can be destroyed but the life force lives on and cyclically reappears like everything else in this universe. It's all a pattern of on and off, acceleration and deceleration, coming and going, light and dark etc. Duality is what makes the universe come alive and we are perceptive duality machines who constantly objectify energy in order to delineate patterns in this big bucket of chaotic energetic flow.

There's something about our instincts for survival that gives rise to needs and wants. This is the motivating principle behind our lives. Survival and a fear we won't make it; so, like the chipmunk we stuff our cheeks as full as possible with bounty. Those successful at the game of accumulation easily become pathological towards wealth. We are hoarders. We have television shows depicting this psychological condition which reveal the down and out mentally ill living in filth as they can't control their need to accumulate stuff. So, transfer this condition onto money and power. See how the insanely rich in our world are sick. We elevate and put these people on a pedestal and yet they are as psychologically damaged as the hoarder.

I wanted to point this out in order to understand just who we are. This ingrained part of our nature is illuminating and acknowledging it does allow for a little bit of understanding to sink in. It allows one to take responsibility for who they are and to stop denying our darkness. I need to accept this or I'll remained lost. This journey is never ending and there is always so much more. There's a part of me who wants to finish the puzzle and bask in the glory of being done. I figured it all out! However, I'm a long way away and this ship of fools just keeps sailing onwards to new ports of call. My open mind has served me well in addition to being able to accept where I have been wrong as I discover more. I have documented how wrong I have been in this blog space. It is so refreshing and freeing to be wrong and be okay with it.

I have a heart and I do feel the power of love. Love does seem irrational unless I can use it to my advantage. The best part about love is it doesn't work that way and if another discovers you are using love to mislead or to profit off them, the love disintegrates. The ancient Egyptians had a saying that, "My heart is my mother." The heart is the Goddess and is the power that allows the eternal life force to repeatedly come forth when slowed down into matter. My heart is my eternal pulsing signature, akin to a fingerprint, and something we would then call a soul which is a gift of the Great Goddess. The feminine heart in conjunction with the masculine life force creates the energetic form that enlivens the gift of a body with this soul and here we are.

When you watch feel good stories of animal rescues it gives you hope that there is good to be found in humanity. Caring for an animal is a selfless act of love. Sure, there is the friendship aspect of the relationship and a hedge against loneliness but it does go much deeper and involves the path of the heart. When you open your heart, this is what you want to do. You want to help the other; whether fellow human or animal doesn't seem to matter.

I clearly see this and I see how the key to this game is found in the heart and through love. My extremes need to be tempered with love and I intuit that's what this grand game is all about. The outcome is the reconciliation of all power into the middle, the heart space, and radiating out this power in order to touch all who are encountered.

I understand purpose though I denied self. The understanding of self shows me the imperative of walking the path of the heart to heal humanity and by inference self.

I have the whole universe within. I am the magic man and can conjure anything I desire. I'm going to live forever and cyclically re-appear. I will retain my eternal signature and re-appear in continual new forms. I'm the producer, writer, director, and actor all rolled into one and can make of the drama what I choose. Ultimately, I need to stop identifying with the parts of me I like and embrace all of my humanity, see where I am a failure, and sprinkle some of that love power on the fertile soil and then watch it transform and grow into a beautiful flower. 

he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world

The truth is I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy. I treat him as the adversary because he is in opposition to my worldly paradigm of fulfilling my wants and desires. This meat carnival is so inviting and I want my fill. That inner compass, whether moral or just a friendly reminder of the consequences of my actions, I have to bury. He is always there. When I set out to fulfill my desires, I assign the tumult to him in order that I have someone to blame.

I get why people seek an external Jesus. We get an inkling of the spirit and split within us and we are conditioned to find what we are looking for in the external world. Or, we can’t accept that little old us can house a god within. The sages of yesteryear shout at us to look within. So, we look within and initially all we find is a box of repressed feelings, desires, and instincts. It’s quite the project to go even deeper and polish the pearl which lies within the depths of this buried panoply.

Why does Jesus hang out with thieves and whores? Because that’s where we place him. We shut him away in the darkness where we shove all the things about us we hide from society and culture at large. You are the thief. You are the whore. Becoming an atheist means we don’t have to contemplate the inner voice. Becoming a Christian means we can externalize that voice and let some other human power lead us astray and delay the eventual reckoning.

Why do we crucify Jesus every year? Because in order to live this life of desire fulfillment we have to get him out of the way. So, we hang him on a cross and go about our business, free of his interference. He dies for your sins - an ingenious way of transferring responsibility onto the other. Remember, you think you’re the good guy. Jesus subsequently returns and harangues us. Imagine that! Like Peter, every year we have to deny him. 3 times until the cock crows. I know not the man. Please go away, you’re preventing me from living my best life. He doesn’t take the hint; so, once again we point him out to the authorities and hang him on the cross. If you live long enough, you must wonder what’s going on? Imagine being a billionaire, living it up, and every year the light grows within you and you have to abort or pretty soon you are giving away your fortune and helping others.

There’re many names for the god within. The ancient Egyptians called him Amen-Re and he rose to prominence in the Pharaonic 18th dynasty. Amen-Re means hidden light and it’s within where you will find the light. Pharaohs adopted the moniker Amen. Amenhotep - Amen is peace. Tutankhamun - The living image of Amen. You can find him in the devotionals of the commoner of the time who called upon the god in a display of personal piety. My culture calls him Jesus but we don’t teach to look within. There would be no need for our religious institutions if everyone knew of the hidden kingdom within. So, we have churches and tightly controlled religious experiences.

In the third millennium BCE, the ancient Egyptians credited the great Imhotep for the progress of civilization. The pyramid complex at Saqqarah and advances in medicine were all because of him. He was said to be a demi-god - the son of Sekhemet, who was the ferocious healing aspect of the Great Goddess Hathor. Imhotep means, “I come in peace.” Do you see it? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

What a long journey to get to this place coinciding with publishing a blog post recognizing that I met Jesus. I’ve been sitting within myself, alone, for a couple days now and the epiphany hit. It was a gradual build up just waiting for the catalyst. It was a YouTube username that was the incendiary spark. He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

I have written a few times about how I felt Jesus was an avatar for the weak. It’s true, but only in the sense of the external Jesus. The one we invented out of whole cloth and projected out onto the world at large. The neutered power by which others profit. In essence, stealing the power that we all hold within. Hanging on to the image of an external Jesus will prevent the inner exploration that makes you come face to face with who you are. When you meet yourself, trust me, you will run. When you accept who you are, you will be able to find within the hidden light in the labyrinth of self. It’s the treasure.

I know of who is in me. My mushrooms trips are all about the split. The last two months, well ever since I took 2 grams of magic mushrooms on December 1st, I knew I had to figure this out. I went deep into the shadow and laid bare the split. At first, I assigned to him the bad and I took credit for the good. I assigned to him everything I don’t like about myself. I deduced the split I intuited was me the good versus him the bad when in fact these two were both me. I just hadn’t reconciled with who I am. I wasn’t ready to have to take responsibility for the suffering in the world so I did what everyone else does and transferred it onto the other and externalized it. I'm the good guy yet I know I'm not. But I'm not that guy. Once I stopped the game of pretend and accepted I was also the guy with horns and the world is a reflection of what I have brought forth, I saw the truth.

I keep piling up shit and dirt upon him and then point and say he is the bastard. My god, he will wait forever until I wake up. The world is the training ground which allows us to manifest what we need after we get our fill. The human race is defined by conflict. We bury, pour dirt, and shit on the light within. Rinse and repeat. It gnawed away at me and I finally realized it was I who was the bad guy. I knew I could get the answer if I asked and then searched. I knew he’d tell me. He always does.

What a journey to get to this point. I am humbled. I also find this very funny. It had to be this way. I can’t accept anything on blind faith. I need proof and the methodology has to be self-approved. Like Frank Sinatra, I did it my way.

i met Jesus

Want to hear something provocative? Okay, here goes: Jesus is real. Yup, the figure of Christ is not just some fancy made up story to dupe the plebes. I met him a while ago.

Apparently, if you meet Jesus then you have to worship him or something to that effect. I definitely felt the pull but my heart belonged to the Great Goddess so I shook Jesus' hand and that was that. Well, actually I dreamt about him a few months later and the dream involved shepherding me towards accepting Jesus into my heart and worshipping him. I remember waking up from the powerful dream and marvelling at his presence and pull.

The existence of Jesus is a cultural psychic phenomenon. That is why he is real. The collective consciousness of a group of people will psychically manifest the energetic representation of who and what they are conjuring. The same goes for Satan. He is as real as Jesus.

I've told this story before but I get a kick out of it so I'll re-tell and add to its lore. In 2013, I went on a trip into the Amazon jungle to discover shamanism and drink the magic potion called Ayahuasca. I was called to it because of my relationship with the Great Goddess, whom I had discovered in my search for meaning in this world. I had gone to Egypt in 2009 which had ignited a spark within that culminated in fulfilling an extensive search for a method to come into direct contact with her. I was not disappointed as within twenty minutes of drinking Ayahuasca she was right there with me. I participated in a couple more ceremonies and they didn't go as planned. To sum it up, they scared the shit out of me.

I was a few years past middle age and I had never taken any kind of serious mind-altering drug before so I was incredibly naive when it came to the use of the plant medicine Ayahuasca. In addition, I wasn't aware of any preparation needed to undergo this initiation, nor did I approach with the necessary seriousness. I abstained from spices and pork for a few days as told. I was to also stay away from alcohol but upon landing in Iquitos and being down by the Amazon river I wanted to take it all in with a beer. I had 48 hours before ceremony so why not? In other words, I was flippant and clueless. The day before entering into the jungle I did a boat tour of the local Amazon river and as part of it navigated through this shithole community called Belén which consists of a bunch of rickety floating houses on the Amazon. These people have nothing. No land, poor as all get out, and living a life so foreign to me. The subsequent plant medicine ceremonies were powerful and left my ill-prepared self dazed and confused. When I left the jungle and returned to the city of Iquitos, I was still in the intoxication. I was hearing the shaman's voice singing the icaros in my head. His bell was still reverberating in my mind and I was still shaken from all I had experienced. I was a psychological mess and I knew I needed to get out of there and go back home. I couldn't sleep that night because my mind wouldn't return to normal and instead just kept feeding back on itself. The next afternoon while waiting for a flight back to Lima I went to the boardwalk down by the river and walked around for a bit. I eventually rested at a spot that is at one of the ends of the path and it is next to the big Catholic church in Iquitos. I looked up and I saw this dude with long dark hair and a beard coming towards me with a big smile on his face. The following account is the truth - this really happened. He asked me where I was from. I said Toronto, Canada. He replied, "Nice to meet you Paul." He shook my hand and walked away. This freaked me right out because there's no way he could know my name. I was in a bad psychological state and it took a monumental effort to keep it all mentally together at this point.

If you were going to picture what Jesus looked like from the stories we hear about him, this guy was it. Later, I happened upon a poem I had written over a year ago where I had penned this line in it that exclaimed, "I saw Jesus at a rest stop." I had forgotten about the poem and what I wrote so when I re-read it I got those tingles and thought to myself holy Christ! I had foreshadowed this meeting. Then as I said, I had the dream involving Jesus. Furthermore, I learned that the Spanish "Belén" was referring to Bethlehem and Jesus, as he is apt to do, was hanging out with the poor.

So, yeah, I have met Jesus.

And thus, the question: If he is real and you know about him why don't you worship him? Well, you see he is a cultural phenomenon and he exists in our culture so that when you have an all too common human spiritual awakening he is present to shepherd you into the church. The church enforces cultural conformity and slavery. You are stopped dead in your path of awakening and give away your power to another entity that is reaching out with its many tentacles to ensnare you. I have said it before and I'll say it again: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you can't stand the thought of freedom and speaking up for yourself then he's your guy. If you tremble, panic, and run before the face of God then get to him through Jesus. However, if you want to walk that spiritual path to the end then you have to go it alone.

There're so many obstacles on the path towards spiritual awakening. Eventually, you come to expect them and easily see their presence. I'm not sure this makes it any easier to avoid or escape, however you are aware.

The physicists, material scientists, and their ilk will definitely scoff at my assertion that Jesus is real and of course they should. Brilliant minds suffer from intellectual myopia because they are experts in their chosen field and subsequently they think all their pronouncements are valid when applied to every other aspect of the human condition. The human mind is fascinating and group dynamics that result in collective consciousness are poorly understood and from my perspective and experience I see so much unexplained psychic phenomenon that is dismissed out of hand just because we can't reliably measure it. What happened to me is as real as real can be. To this day, I remember it as clear as a bell. What I find so incredible is that I had been inculcated by my upbringing and culture to manifest this collective perception of Jesus when I was ready to have that peculiar human spiritual awakening. Just a slight opening of the doors of perception revealed a Pandora's Box of psychic human treasure. I upset the apple cart of expectations by venturing out on my own and first discovering the Great Goddess so that when Jesus came a calling I shook his hand, shook my head, and continued on. This life is very funny.

Jesus is real and he lives in Iquitos. 

edge of the cliff

The plant medicine journey has made me aware of culture, its hold on me, and my internal cry for freedom. The journey is gradual and methodical as you slowly wake up and realize how ingrained and entrenched you are in the system. The most fascinating part of this whole journey is that immediately upon entering into this occult world I was shown how enslaved I was. I reacted negatively and just wanted the alteration of perception to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the comfort of my world where I toiled in obscurity for someone else, got my three-square meals a day, and a comfortable pillow. The truth was too much to take all at once. I ran home. Two years later, I re-started the intensive phase and this time I have peeled away the layers of the onion one by one until there is nothing left. I stand at the end of the road where all that remains is the precipice where you make the decision to jump or to turn back and bend the knee to your master.

I'm the one leading myself into a situation where I will be forced to reap all I have sown. I have to do it. I can't stay working at a job that drains me of my will to do anything about what I know and to walk that path forward in life. I'm just running out the clock on my life and I'm soon going to be too old to make the difference in the world I wish to make. I waste my days doing a job I really don't need to do. I have what I need. I can let go. Sure, it is life changing and involves risk but deep down I know it is what I want and I'm inexorably headed in that direction. My shadow and I both want this. The only way he was going to extricate me from the long and slow descent into oblivion was to yank it away from me. So, here we are. My sword is the freedom sword.

The greater good. What a devious psychological trap. The masquerading superego writ large. The weight of cultural conformity coming for all those who don't bend the knee. No matter the crisis, real or imagined, the forces of control will always seize the opportunity and use the confusion to further sink their claws into you. Reclaim your power. Whatever the original crisis was, it's over. This is a psychological battle for control between the puppeteer who modulates your behaviour and rewards you so as to condition you versus the force within you longing to be free. It's frustrating because I bide my time waiting for people to wake the fuck up. Being obedient doesn't allow you to reclaim your freedom from an entity that doles it out. Freedom is taken by being rebellious.

Instead of the greater good which involves the sacrifice of self to another controlling entity, there's another way. It's called for the good of all. What's the first stop on the road to service? Heal thyself, grasshopper. If you are still sick, you can't help another; you will just infect them will the same bullshit that sullies your light. For the good of all, wake up, free yourself of your chains, and then offer yourself in service to others who are on the path of awakening.

Your master gets you to bend the knee on the regular to inculcate and remind you of whom you serve. You do it so often that eventually it becomes ingrained and you learn to love your imprisonment. The Russian philosopher George Ivanovich Gurdjieff succinctly summed up the human condition with this quote:

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”

Additionally, he recognized the forces within society that keep you down and in turn make you love your servitude.

“In order to awaken, first of all one must realize that one is in a state of sleep. And in order to realize that one is indeed in a state of sleep, one must recognize and fully understand the nature of the forces which operate to keep one in the state of sleep, or hypnosis. It is absurd to think that this can be done by seeking information from the very source which induces the hypnosis."

I like my job and willingly give away the best of myself so that my masters can profit off of my gifts. I am given controlled compensation that allows me to reap the rewards which culture offers me. I get a nice place to live, can raise a family, and use some of my money on leisure and entertainment while being mindful of saving for when the time comes and I'm no longer of use to my cultural masters. Gurdjieff continues:

".... One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man.”

This has always been in the back of my mind; however, I was scared to take the step to walk away. I was destined to run out the clock on life and take the easy way into my eventual demise. Change seems daunting and I'm not sure about what is behind door number 3. I can have some degree of confidence in what life will look like if I continue to toil for my master and I can get more of a handle on the future. If I stay asleep and in chains things will be easier.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca way back in 2013 part of the mental beatdown I received concerned the weight of culture and how I was in chains. I clearly saw my role in culture and how it could all come crashing down within moments if people found out about my flaws. All of the good will and social credit would disappear in mere seconds. It was like my secrets were being used to keep me in line so I'd stay in the game. Then I had a vision of how I was a slave. I lived in a run-down hut in some far away land toiling away for a master and this situation had followed me through many lifetimes. I misread the vision and thought I was going to enslaved in the jungle when instead Ayahuasca was showing me how that in my life back home I was a slave through metaphor. I remember being so beaten down by my first exposure to plant medicines that I just wanted to go home, return back to my former life, go back to work, put the chains willingly back on, and never do this again. Wow! Trying to break free of the hold of culture and the superego is monumental. I was being shown I'm in bondage and I was frightened. I just wanted to return to my master. Talk about Stockholm syndrome. The integration of plant medicine experiences is a multi-year project and little by little I came to understand all the while embracing freedom and clearing out space for that liberty to blossom in my life. The flower has come forth and it's beautiful.

I have many times in this blog space written about my shadow. He is the great magician and controls the material outcomes of this world. I could ask him for anything and he will grant the wish and in return ask for a favour as recompense. I get what I want, fulfill my desires, and he then gains control over me. That's his role in this adventure of life. There's a shortcut to get out of your predicament which is available to you once you discover this guy. I found him and saw how I can serve my cultural corporate masters or I could serve him. Either way, I'm not free. I have been fortunate to be wonderfully naive when I first stumbled onto this power and side-stepped it. Then I was drawn to a great maestro who taught me about the trappings of power while concurrently learning about cultivating and protecting your freedom at all costs.

I'm not really sure why I became enthralled with the idea of freedom? Maybe it is from cultivating the voice within that doesn't like being told what to do? We all have that but soon learn in life to pick our battles and if someone is paying you, you shut up, and just do your job. I'm good at that while retaining an inner fire that still burns with a longing to be free. I've never been happy working but have instead hypnotized myself into accepting this is just how it is.

I remember in my youth the first time I rebelled against being told what to do. My dad told me I needed to cut my hair shorter or I wouldn't be allowed to participate in his church anymore. No more playing on their sports teams. The carrot was dangled in anticipation I would give in and learn to accept authority over myself. I don't know why but something in me said no and I stood my ground. I was 16 at the time and I remember it set off an internal chain of events that had me looking towards leaving home and setting off on my own, no matter how difficult it would be. I was determined to be free.

I stand at the same crossroads and see the pressures of my corporate masters wielding the same knife over me to conform and reaffirm my servitude. I am a really good employee so the battle of wits should get interesting. I know what awaits and I have reconciled with the outcome. I talk a good game of freedom and eventually it is time to act.

It's so funny. I write about freedom all the time. I write about integrity. I champion these values. I'm a worthy foil to my shadow and I know he marvels at the fact I continuously choose freedom over his offers of gobs of power. I mean who does that? I could have it all. I know it. I stand above the crowd and could become uber-successful and win the culture game. I maintain a little freedom over my condition and hide within the corporate world. My shadow is the master teacher and he has taught me to become a warrior. I already had the freedom gene and now he forged steel by adding in some courage and bravery. He has prepared me for the next lesson. The time is now. The lesson is in my face now. Do it. Take back total freedom and escape the prison you have acquiesced to. Fulfill your destiny.

It's coming soon. I had a bunch of time off and realized how much happier and healthier I am while not giving away my life force to some corporate entity that will callously throw me to the curb once I have expended my usefulness to them. I snapped out of the hypnosis and see the enslavement. I have this feeling of hatred of my master that grows every day. I have returned to the feeling of my youth where I knew I had to plot my escape.

My shadow has brought me to this moment, letting me make the continual choices along the way so I can be assured it is my decision. His magic put the necessary events into motion knowing full well what it would take to get me fully awakened and then take the final step into freedom. I trust his guidance and I marvel at watching the narrative crumble. He's the best. Time to enjoy the show.

Concurrent events coalescence into the end of a teaching, graduating, and moving on to the next stage in the course of your life. Failing the semester means you remain trapped in the world, serving another, knowing you struck out in the quest to become free. This whole set up is intriguing. I mean the pandemic has different meanings for everyone and alters the course of their life in different ways. How it will affect me and be part of my curriculum is different than yours. I think the pandemic was something I created because I needed a way to rip myself away from this waste of time called a job. I needed something to wake me up, force me to take stock of my life, and realize I didn't need to do that ridiculous grind anymore. I could take back my freedom.

Time to jump.