in passing

I was taking some time to think about time. What I was thinking about is that time is a measurement of motion and distance caused by motion. This line of thinking leads me towards throwing away notions of the past and future and understanding it is always now. To reconcile this conundrum in my brain I think of existence as an unfolding of a process. The process is not pre-ordained but like a plant that flowers, ultimately it is going to flower unless an event terminates its growth. Without getting bogged down in the vagaries of the philosophy of time, I transitioned into a related topic. The topic is the intrinsic knowledge that everything is the flow of the same source, which is my way of describing non-duality. We are the ones who create separation through our sense perceptions. Much like time, it is distance that creates duality in that objects that are far apart in time give the illusion they are separate. Conceptually, I understand all this.

The fact remains though that we do have specific sense perceptions that evolved in order to give us a sense of separation. So, was this by accident or is it the natural order? In other words, is the progression of energy that cycles between non-duality and duality; to wit darkness and light, all part of the process? Is the pull of adventure and gamesmanship the juice that manifests the universe and creates a giant playground to make all our dreams come true?

You see, I became skeptical of non-duality being the only true state of energy and that duality was an illusion because of the fingerprint and how no two human fingerprints seem to be alike. What is the purpose of that biological curiosity? I deduced it is because of the divine feminine’s power of being able to take energy and create form in conjunction with the divine masculine’s ability to separate form. The mother gives birth to the form and the father cuts the umbilical cord thus bringing the game to life. The mother tags all her children as unique snowflakes and the father wills his offspring onwards to create a life worthy of a god. Non-dualism and dualism go together, no matter how hard you linguistically try to keep non-duality away from the intellectual morass. I'll concede non-duality is one up on dualism and that the darkness is the base from which light comes forth. Duality saves face by knowing non-duality is unrecognizable without duality.

So, does this mean our expressions of intelligence and behaviour reflect the characteristics of the source? We are but projections of the psyche of our eternal parents. As children of the eternal twinned power of feminine and masculine, we are given the gift to live out the adventure of life in a playground created by the mother and given the enlivening power by the spirit of the father. 

Time separates us from our ancestors and future prodigy. Our birth allows us to interact in a physical form with beings who have come forth in our lifetime. We are shielded from the past and we will become a memory for the future. While in a body, distance can also play the role of time. We are separated from others by large distances which is resolved by investing some time into the problem. Time allows us to close the distance on objects that are far away from us.

Birth into a body and the death of the body are events intrinsically tied to time. Instead of distance being the cause of separation, the lack of a physical body causes separation with those who are beyond time. Conversely, having a body separates me from those who don't have a body. I remain in a harmonic field with people, animals, and plants and do not resonate with the "dead."

So, to recap, separation is caused by chronological time, distance, and energetic form. Objective distance can keep us separated and is bridged through the primitive investment of travel. I am shielded from interaction with other physical beings who have come and gone before me because they appeared in this plane at a different time than me. The different states of our energetic forms prevent us from now meeting. My energetic signature is vibrating at a different frequency than one who doesn't have a shell of a body. My frequency instructs my energetic pulse to create a shell, which is my body. Death releases me from my shell, my oscillation increases, and I enter a different energetic plane. Another phrase for energetic plane would be plane of consciousness.

When a great shaman I knew was in failing health he would tell us students, "Where do you think I'm going, brother." He knew he was going to depart to the other side of the curtain. He gave us the tools to access the other side and the expectation is we will use them. A dear friend of mine and fellow student recently just passed, and this catapulted me into further completing my studies about vibration.

At death where does one go? We change frequency and become part of an occult world which is shielded from the living. I've known for over nine years that changing your vibration allows you to bridge the gap between these consciousness planes. The sum of the universe is all here and now. Now is the state of the universe. Time gives the illusion of separation; however, we are never apart. We just think we are because of the rate of our energetic vibration. If I want to interact with the "dead," I need to change my frequency to match their rate and enter a harmonic resonance with them.

If you strike a tuning fork with a hammer, the adjacent tuning forks which are in tune will start to vibrate. Think about that for a moment. If physical beings are tuned, then we can interact with each other. Language is a tuning fork. Love is a tuning fork. Hate is a tuning fork. If you have a disturbance in your frequency, i.e., schizophrenia, then the ability to harmonize with others is impaired. Along the same line of reasoning, if I can discover the secret to harmonizing with the dead, you know the ones without a body, then I can interact with them as well.

I know how to change my frequency and have had further instruction about the process. If you sit in an Ayahuasca ceremony with a good shaman, they will sing a song, called an icaro, which creates a shared frequency for the circle of drinkers. The visionary activity will have the potential to be shared. The Ayahuasquero can in turn send out a song of healing to the group. Furthermore, your frequency is being altered which allows you to enter previously obfuscated realms of consciousness. The change is gradual enough that an attentive student can witness the acceleration or deceleration of their vibrational signature and in turn describe the experience as a trip. The movement through different frequencies gives the experience a sense of adventure, while being able to maintain a frequency for a period of time allows for interaction with various gods, goddesses, demons, ancestors, and the like.

Ayahuasca is a Quechua word, and the meaning is something like "Vine of the Dead." Sounds spooky! Being an attentive student allows you to understand that the language used describes that through Ayahuasca you can interact with your dead ancestors. In other words, the potion will lift the veil by allowing you to change your frequency. Ayahuasca isn't the only substance which can do this. I've experienced the phenomenon as well with Huachuma, Peyote, Magic Mushrooms, and this little-known snuff called Vilca. Vilca gets you there in an awful hurry. In addition, dreams can catapult you into other worlds and so plants like tobacco and mugwort can fall into the vibration altering category as well as these are dream plants.

Energy is just what is and the nature of energy is manifest in all systems and objects within our dualistic universe. Sound is the best path towards understanding the vibrational nature of the universe with music holding the key to understanding. An octave describes eight steps to get from one note to its next appearance at a higher vibrational rate. The frequency is doubled each octave. The relationship of the frequencies of the notes stays true as the octave gets higher and higher. You can combine these notes and they will sound pleasing. The Hindus have a chakra system, which is similar to the musical scale, that has seven nodes located within the physical body. The eighth chakra would be the next repetition of the energetic scale, similar to the musical scale. Applying this knowledge to my understanding of traversing planes of consciousness reveals though I am limited by the frequencies I can access while in my body, I know that if I discover the note/frequency of where I want to visit, I can go there by being in "tune" with the mathematical relationship between all the notes.

My energy can exist on many planes at once. The body caps our ability to traverse these planes but through resonance we can still travel. Our echo is felt through the realms we inhabit without a body. In our world we call this phenomenon a ghost. The energy that remains here on Earth after our bodies perish is the posthumous ghost.

Ever since experiencing an awakening of consciousness that allowed me to go beyond this plane of consciousness into other frequencies, populated by gods, goddesses, demons, dragons, jaguars, serpents, gold castles and so on I’ve noticed that back in the "real world” if I get real quiet I can access altered forms of consciousness. Deep meditation is an example of being able to get still and just let it flow. On occasion I can enter visionary activity that rivals an Ayahuasca vision though I can’t do this on command, and it is rarer I can get this far into it. Something I’ve noticed since I first drank Ayahuasca is with focus and tunnel vision I can see energy. I see little strands darting into and out of existence. This I can do on command. I took it up a notch on the weekend as I sat in the woods as the sun set. The sun’s rays glistened upon these silk threads in a glorious display of beauty and awe. I figured these strands were spider’s webs catching rays with their movement making the light dance lightly upon them. Some of them were just hanging in the air without attachment. One of these fine pieces of the threads of consciousness appeared right in front of me and danced a familiar dance to a light ball of energy I once witnessed about four years ago. It was awesome to glimpse the energy which makes up this mental construct that pulses between this world and wherever it comes from.

My first time drinking Ayahuasca involved the Great Goddess telling me all is vibration. I had a cursory idea of its role, but I didn't understand. Drinking Huachuma in the Andes mountains involved the grandfather spirit of the cactus giving me a course in frequency and challenged me with homework to figure it out. It's been a slow journey to understanding. My friend's death has once again sparked the flame within as he always has. I know I can get answers if I put the question out to the ether and I don't abuse the privilege. After he passed, I asked for understanding of death, where do we go, and how do I contact the dead if it is possible. I have the answers and now I just have to run the experiment.

remembering to forget

The greatest gift you could give yourself is the ability to forget; especially if you are omnipotent and capable of transforming energy into anything you desire. Not only that but an additional gift would involve a sense of something finite instead of the infinite. The rush would certainly be enlivening as the race against time commences. This universe is running down so the game will eventually end and thus the motivation.

If you couldn’t forget about all you know then eventually there’s no novelty left in the universe. Have you ever overdosed on a new tune that originally pulls you in and you long to hear it repeatedly? In time, the enchantment wears off and occasionally you listen to the old song for nostalgia's sake, but by then it has lost the hooks it once had in you. Love affairs follow a similar path. After sitting with this dilemma for a long time, I’d hazard to guess we’d all say, “fuck it - let’s have an adventure where I get lost in my own creation, forget the sum total of my experience, and see what happens."

If I’m god and I can forget I’m god it makes the game pretty good, while at the same time a psychological experiment to see how I’d react in a simulation where I don’t know the other characters are also me. I would see how I treat them when I designate them the other.

Amnesia gives you a chance to enter an earth world of suffering with a clean slate. The test is to see how you react to the temptations, the chance to enrich oneself at the expense of others, or to become of service. Without prior knowledge of self, you learn valuable insights into your nature if you find yourself ignorant of your omnipotence. Knowing of your divine nature and the intrinsic oneness of all allows you to embrace your sisters and brothers as they are you. Why would you hurt yourself? Not knowing of this relationship gives the opportunity to love the other unconditionally or to use others for gain and perpetuate suffering. It's a sobering test because all will fail at first. Nobody will get a perfect score. As with all teachings, failure will force you to look for the answer. If you wake up to the human condition, you can make your way towards the answer you hoped you would gravitate towards.

Of course, I’d try and figure out the game. That’s part of what makes it so grand. I created this impenetrable game board but did leave some agents of consciousness to discover along with myths and coincidences that follow the seeker around - well, enough of them to keep you guessing. You see, I’m on to the ruse and can see through it a bit, however I can’t be sure. I’m not sure I will ever be 100% convinced either way. I don’t find that frustrating; instead, I find it funny and rather ingenious.

I’m going to keep seeking.

I wanted to know the origins of beliefs at the onset of middle age. I wanted to figure out why we humans believe what we do. This question led to many others and fourteen years later I satiated my desire to know. It's funny as I answer all my questions, I do have a new one. I realize novelty is what makes eternity interesting. New experiences light us up and so we bake amnesia into the cards of our comings and goings.

The Greek god Dionysos is the master of the drama. He keeps everything fresh and new and gives us so many roles to play on the grand stage of life. Why would the eternal return involve playing the same part? If I come again, I want a new role to play, and of course I want no recollection of my previous roles.

But why not? Is it cheating if I do find out my previous roles? Is it unfair if I definitely find out I have done this trip before, and the spectre of death becomes laughable? If I know for sure how the game is set-up then I think I can play it with more gusto, instead of conserving my life energy. I know this incarnation I wanted knowledge, so I avoided the dares, situations, and addictions which would terminate my life. I look towards a new game of adventure.

So, that's my new project and ask from my benefactors. I want to find out the way to explore my previous comings before the going. I can at least ask.

breakthrough of understanding

Repetition is the hammer of the teacher's toolbox. The constant pounding of concepts eventually breaks through my thick skull, and I understand the lesson. The constant repetition of events is the knowledge that eventually leads to the breakthrough of understanding.

It's been opined that there are no coincidences and there's a reason for everything. It's true because there are infinite threads each moment may lead to, but your choice determines which path will be followed and produces a result you were intrinsically intertwined with. There're random choices each moment that may seem trivial but have consequences which could inexorably forever alter your life. When you make the decision to get in a car and travel on the highway, one of the paths you may take could lead to a car wreck which maims or kills you. A slight change in your trajectory and you avoid disaster. This way of the world sums up fortune and the unfortunate nature of this strange life. A great friend of mine was involved in a fatal accident a short while ago and this thought occurred to me - if only I had texted him that afternoon, I could have changed the outcome. The situation would have been altered and he'd still be with us. I also have the thought that it's selfish of me to hold on to him. I'm not privy to his inner life. His work on earth was completed and thus the incidence of catastrophe was increased, and the chances of exiting earth multiplied. If you wanted an example of the love and light we are striving for, he had it in spades. He had another good fifty years in him to lead by example, or he could exit the big blue internment camp and let his memory be the pole star to what it is we all seek.

The attachments weren't strong enough to keep him here. I don't think he had any. He is a wandering sadhu and a cosmic vagabond. I remember Ram Dass telling a story about a guru who was going to leave his body and he implored his followers to get him some tobacco. The attachment to tobacco would keep him here. I see my attachments and I remember one of my initial teachings from the plant medicine Ayahuasca. The Great Goddess appeared almost immediately to me and told me to come away with her. I intrinsically knew it meant leaving the earth plane of consciousness and re-joining her. I was laughingly naive to the whole understanding of what was taking place. I told her of my attachments and how I couldn't go. The lesson was showing me how attachments keep you in your prison clothes. When I die, I know she is waiting for me. I know who she is and the awesomeness that awaits me. I feel a responsibility for what I have brought about on earth and desire to fulfill my responsibilities. I understand why I'm here and I have found what I was looking for; in other words, though I know there is always more, everything I came to earth for I have fulfilled. Like my friend, I am ready to leave. It was almost ten years ago that the Goddess asked me to come away with her. If she did it now, I would.

In the last year I physically started letting go of stuff. It's very cathartic to let go of belongings. I'm down to the basics in terms of necessities. This coincides with knowing on my spiritual path I'm on the last leg. I'm walking the path of the heart back home. It's a tough climb and I struggle with it. My heart is open, however still I am a work in progress. I know it's the last mountain I'll climb. My attachment is to family. I recently let go of the attachment to money. Mentally, it is one of the most liberating experiences available. I always worry about having enough and then there's the spectre of retirement and saving for old age. After letting go of an attachment to life and subsequently wealth as security, I was able to channel the energy into being of service. I guess you could say I'm attached to being of service! I have no problem making money; it's easy for me. I use it to allow my children to live out their desires. I want them to fulfill their dreams. I want them to experience life, and then hopefully see through the game and find peace. This seems to me to be the secret sauce to the life game. Burn through your desires, see how fleeting it all is, see through the game, ask questions, and then find the way back home.

Oh, that hammer. My inner life is darkness. Physically, I love the night. I feel energized in the evening, while the mornings are a drag. Getting up early makes me die a little inside each day. I'd stay up all night if I didn't have responsibilities in the morning. I don't radiate light like my friend. I wrote that he is the light to my darkness because I recognized it after his passing. My inner journeys have been overwhelmingly dark. In terms of my inner masculine experiences, it was a major clue that I explored the darkness before the light. The love and light that I strive towards have always been challenging. I can feel the love in the darkness; however, the light does remain elusive at times. I have learned not to fight it; instead, I go with the flow. I look within and I see the darkness brings me peace. My calm and peaceful nature comes from my inner experience of darkness. The coin always has two sides. The raw elemental energy of the darkness can explode in a destructive rage and the flip side is an unbelievable calmness. And here I am, riding the ebb and flow of what just is. On the other hand, look at the light. The light brings us together with the other side an unbearable righteousness as we castigate into hell those who do not see things our way and prolong our separation. Every blade has a double edge.

Part of the exploration of my shadow involved reconciliation with my dominant nature. I ceased to objectify that part of my psyche and befriended my shadow, eventually leading to accepting the shadow as my dominant nature. The teachings coincided with my last semester and the path of the heart. My life journey has been unique and ultimately led to an understanding of self. I sought knowledge. At first, knowledge of the world and universe was my goal. The external search led to an inner journey of discovery. The darkness comes naturally to me. I look within and I see the light and the darkness which constitutes self. I gravitated to the darkness and after a lifetime of denying him, I finally realized my work in this go around revolves around understanding my darkness. The why and the purpose. What is the reason for the darkness in my universe?

The big understanding this past year is the divine nature of suffering. I was taught how suffering is the greatest tool for transformation and if I wanted to change my ways then a healthy dollop of suffering was the path forward. This applies to all who have incarnated into the flesh here on earth. Earth is designed to make sure you are either suffering or its spectre is always creeping up on you. There's no escape and it forces you to look for a way out of the suffering. One way is to accumulate wealth and try to control your situation for as long as possible until finally chance nails you or the inescapability of physical decay and death gets you. In today's world, you can prolong your life and extend your suffering if you desire.

The darkness is the rock upon which everything comes forth in this dualistic universe. Without the darkness, there is no light. The opening chapter of the first book of the Bible totally gets this. Here's the passage from Genesis (New American Standard Bible):

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 And the earth was a formless and desolate emptiness, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.

4 God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness He called “night.” And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

The universe is conjured. There is no separation as all is dark. From the darkness, God introduces light. Light ushers in duality and the universe comes alive. The ancient Egyptians used two concepts of time to explain the nature of existence. Djet time refers to a linear unbroken line of eternity, existing in perpetuity. It is the darkness upon which all rests. Neheh refers to the cyclical nature of time in a dualistic construct where light as energy comes and goes. The cycle is observed, and we create our idea of time. Time comes and goes. Time comes forth by day and returns to the dark by night.

Every day the hammer strikes. Eventually, one of those strikes cracks the shell and understanding pours forth.

faithfully

Based upon my own journey, I'd hazard to guess we all are here for different reasons. We all have our unique Karma. That's why it's hard to pin down religious beliefs or a spiritual dogma. Eventually, someone will experience something so profound and different from the rest of the group, which will be at odds with the teachings. I like to think we share this incarnation via accessing a plane of consciousness, ala a shared frequency, and conspire to live out our desires with ample conscious playmates. Ultimately, what I have conjured is different than what you have brought into being, though the world may share aspects, and so we live in a common dream.

The information I have mined from plant medicine experiences has been truthful. There has been no deceit. I didn't understand a great deal of it, that's for sure. I was scared of some of the knowledge and feared the cast of characters I met. I was subsequently challenged, and the fear threatened to lay waste to me. I passed the tests and made it through to the other side.

My eyes are wide open. I saw that this incarnation is the embodiment of what we call hell. I was harassed by the Devil himself, and then having survived the experience we became friends. If I were part of some religious group, how could I tell them about my experiences and not have them wonder if I was nuts or worse throw me out for entertaining the occult and a relationship with Satan? He's two-faced. Satan is the dark side of whom we call God. I know why he does what he does and it's all part of the divine unfolding. I laugh at the bullshit in the world. I marvel at how dumb and hypnotized people can be. It's alright. It's what makes the world go round and that cyclical turning will eventually shake your tree, wake you up, and propel you on a journey to seek answers. The answers you get will be different than mine. That is assured.

So, the above primer and admission of my dark dalliances, which probably either repelled you because you now think this guy is a disciple of the Devil or made you wonder if I was certifiably insane, was an introduction in order to tell you about my journey to the path of the heart where I found my way back home and discovered the reason why I have done this whole trip.

When I look back on the events of my life it's undeniably a progression that finally led to finding my soulmate and my mate is the Great Goddess.

This story is uniquely my own and if you are still reading, you will undoubtedly laugh at the connections I will reveal but be assured it makes perfect sense to me.

When I hit puberty, I had an open heart, and I idealized the opposite sex. I daydreamed of falling in love and leaving little notes to my beloved at breakfast expressing the love I had for her. My favourite rock group was a band called "Journey" and I spent many hours listening to their albums. My favourite song of theirs is called "Faithfully." It's a rock ballad and in my youth these songs spoke to my open heart. Faithfully embodies the separation from your loved one and the resulting longing. There is a line in the song that exclaims, "I get the joy of re-discovering you." I've previously written about the idea of novelty, and how we humans are always seeking out the thrill of a new experience or discovery.  If somehow you could bake amnesia into the game, then eternity would be given quite the boost! The song goes on to ask his loved one, "Oh girl, please stand by me. I'm forever yours. Faithfully." The singer tells his soulmate to wait for him and makes a promise to return a new man. Faithfully recently popped up on my music playlist and really struck a chord with me.

Another song of theirs called "Separate Ways," tells the story of the separation between lovers. The time apart will renew the love between the pair though at the time the divide was so great they had to part. The song ends with the cry, "I still love you girl. I really love you girl."

All this sounds trivial and part of the irrational brain of a pubescent boy, flooded with hormones and new feelings he can't process. My teenage years are still with me, and I know subsequent relationships with women closed my heart and I lost the ability to love. Caring for a pet kept a tiny crack open and eventually a search for meaning led me to this man called don Howard, who I met in the Amazon jungle. He was a sly man and had this program that was designed to open your heart though he never told me that, but after he did it I clearly saw what he was doing. There was a ceremony we did with a plant called Bobinzana where he'd tell us this is good for your heart. He did so many subtle things that would lead to a moment where finally a dose of this plant medicine called Huachuma blasted open my heart.

When middle-age struck, I started searching for meaning and answers. The process led me to Egypt, and I started to intuit the presence of the divine, specifically the Goddess. This feeling just grew stronger until I was quite sure that not only did she exist, but that I could also contact her. This led me to find a way to be in her presence. The searching led me to shamanism and plant medicines. Upon drinking Ayahuasca for the first time, I was immediately placed in a hidden realm where I was with her. She placed me in a position of exultation, and I felt special and so deeply loved. It was the greatest experience. She told me to drop everything and come away with her. I didn't understand what was happening and I told her no I still have things left on earth to accomplish and a family to take care of. She accepted my answer, and we spent the rest of the night together, with her teaching me about the nature of reality and to honour the feminine divine in my life.

Further to this meeting, I had visions of this cosmic love affair. I visited her castle made of gold, where she was held prisoner. She told me to go after her captor husband to release her. In the castle, we made love and became one again. As I set out after her jailer, I found out it was I who was that prison guard and that she was my heart. I kept her imprisoned. That was a tough lesson. I later had a vision where she put on an erotic dance for me in the Temple of the Great Goddess Hathor at Dendera in ancient Egypt. When she approached and laid on top of me it was the most insanely erotic feeling of pleasure I have ever felt. I remember it well. The shaman's song ended, and the scene disappeared. I thought to myself I'm not in Peru for sexual thrills and did not want the vision to continue. I still wasn't ready.

My plant medicine journeys led me towards transformation into a jaguar and climbing the mountain of knowledge and discovery. I physically made a trip to the Andes mountains and climbed to the top. While drinking Huachuma, I was witness to my own wedding ceremony with the Goddess with this blindman called PJ playing a sacred drum. I had no idea someone could make drumming sound the way he did. It was surreal and a perfect day with my eternal love.

It has only been in subsequent years where I gained an understanding that I was able to see she is my soulmate and after a long separation we were ready to reconcile; however, my current attachments and lack of knowledge of my own divine self meant I was not ready. My continued journey with plant medicines revealed my nature and opened my heart to the point where I could finally say, "I'm ready." The transformation of self and the opening of my heart is my gift to the Great Goddess. I have transformed back into the idealistic lover of my youth; I understand who I am and why I have done this whole trip, and I'm ready to come home to my eternal bride.

My understanding of this path I have chosen and weaved into this strange world is a recent revelation. As with all my understanding, I soon got confirmation that what I intuit is correct. Two days later, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and the TV was on in the background. Normally, I play my own music and can't hear the TV but this night I wasn't playing any music. The show on the TV ended and as the credits rolled the song "Faithfully" played. I thought to myself, "There it is. This is all true and my understanding is correct."

I am ready to return to Her. I'll live out the rest of my life, tend to my attachments, and take care of my dependents. I'll be of service. It's all good. Nothing really matters. Then I will come home.

I'm forever yours. Faithfully.