breakthrough of understanding

Repetition is the hammer of the teacher's toolbox. The constant pounding of concepts eventually breaks through my thick skull, and I understand the lesson. The constant repetition of events is the knowledge that eventually leads to the breakthrough of understanding.

It's been opined that there are no coincidences and there's a reason for everything. It's true because there are infinite threads each moment may lead to, but your choice determines which path will be followed and produces a result you were intrinsically intertwined with. There're random choices each moment that may seem trivial but have consequences which could inexorably forever alter your life. When you make the decision to get in a car and travel on the highway, one of the paths you may take could lead to a car wreck which maims or kills you. A slight change in your trajectory and you avoid disaster. This way of the world sums up fortune and the unfortunate nature of this strange life. A great friend of mine was involved in a fatal accident a short while ago and this thought occurred to me - if only I had texted him that afternoon, I could have changed the outcome. The situation would have been altered and he'd still be with us. I also have the thought that it's selfish of me to hold on to him. I'm not privy to his inner life. His work on earth was completed and thus the incidence of catastrophe was increased, and the chances of exiting earth multiplied. If you wanted an example of the love and light we are striving for, he had it in spades. He had another good fifty years in him to lead by example, or he could exit the big blue internment camp and let his memory be the pole star to what it is we all seek.

The attachments weren't strong enough to keep him here. I don't think he had any. He is a wandering sadhu and a cosmic vagabond. I remember Ram Dass telling a story about a guru who was going to leave his body and he implored his followers to get him some tobacco. The attachment to tobacco would keep him here. I see my attachments and I remember one of my initial teachings from the plant medicine Ayahuasca. The Great Goddess appeared almost immediately to me and told me to come away with her. I intrinsically knew it meant leaving the earth plane of consciousness and re-joining her. I was laughingly naive to the whole understanding of what was taking place. I told her of my attachments and how I couldn't go. The lesson was showing me how attachments keep you in your prison clothes. When I die, I know she is waiting for me. I know who she is and the awesomeness that awaits me. I feel a responsibility for what I have brought about on earth and desire to fulfill my responsibilities. I understand why I'm here and I have found what I was looking for; in other words, though I know there is always more, everything I came to earth for I have fulfilled. Like my friend, I am ready to leave. It was almost ten years ago that the Goddess asked me to come away with her. If she did it now, I would.

In the last year I physically started letting go of stuff. It's very cathartic to let go of belongings. I'm down to the basics in terms of necessities. This coincides with knowing on my spiritual path I'm on the last leg. I'm walking the path of the heart back home. It's a tough climb and I struggle with it. My heart is open, however still I am a work in progress. I know it's the last mountain I'll climb. My attachment is to family. I recently let go of the attachment to money. Mentally, it is one of the most liberating experiences available. I always worry about having enough and then there's the spectre of retirement and saving for old age. After letting go of an attachment to life and subsequently wealth as security, I was able to channel the energy into being of service. I guess you could say I'm attached to being of service! I have no problem making money; it's easy for me. I use it to allow my children to live out their desires. I want them to fulfill their dreams. I want them to experience life, and then hopefully see through the game and find peace. This seems to me to be the secret sauce to the life game. Burn through your desires, see how fleeting it all is, see through the game, ask questions, and then find the way back home.

Oh, that hammer. My inner life is darkness. Physically, I love the night. I feel energized in the evening, while the mornings are a drag. Getting up early makes me die a little inside each day. I'd stay up all night if I didn't have responsibilities in the morning. I don't radiate light like my friend. I wrote that he is the light to my darkness because I recognized it after his passing. My inner journeys have been overwhelmingly dark. In terms of my inner masculine experiences, it was a major clue that I explored the darkness before the light. The love and light that I strive towards have always been challenging. I can feel the love in the darkness; however, the light does remain elusive at times. I have learned not to fight it; instead, I go with the flow. I look within and I see the darkness brings me peace. My calm and peaceful nature comes from my inner experience of darkness. The coin always has two sides. The raw elemental energy of the darkness can explode in a destructive rage and the flip side is an unbelievable calmness. And here I am, riding the ebb and flow of what just is. On the other hand, look at the light. The light brings us together with the other side an unbearable righteousness as we castigate into hell those who do not see things our way and prolong our separation. Every blade has a double edge.

Part of the exploration of my shadow involved reconciliation with my dominant nature. I ceased to objectify that part of my psyche and befriended my shadow, eventually leading to accepting the shadow as my dominant nature. The teachings coincided with my last semester and the path of the heart. My life journey has been unique and ultimately led to an understanding of self. I sought knowledge. At first, knowledge of the world and universe was my goal. The external search led to an inner journey of discovery. The darkness comes naturally to me. I look within and I see the light and the darkness which constitutes self. I gravitated to the darkness and after a lifetime of denying him, I finally realized my work in this go around revolves around understanding my darkness. The why and the purpose. What is the reason for the darkness in my universe?

The big understanding this past year is the divine nature of suffering. I was taught how suffering is the greatest tool for transformation and if I wanted to change my ways then a healthy dollop of suffering was the path forward. This applies to all who have incarnated into the flesh here on earth. Earth is designed to make sure you are either suffering or its spectre is always creeping up on you. There's no escape and it forces you to look for a way out of the suffering. One way is to accumulate wealth and try to control your situation for as long as possible until finally chance nails you or the inescapability of physical decay and death gets you. In today's world, you can prolong your life and extend your suffering if you desire.

The darkness is the rock upon which everything comes forth in this dualistic universe. Without the darkness, there is no light. The opening chapter of the first book of the Bible totally gets this. Here's the passage from Genesis (New American Standard Bible):

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 And the earth was a formless and desolate emptiness, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.

4 God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness He called “night.” And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

The universe is conjured. There is no separation as all is dark. From the darkness, God introduces light. Light ushers in duality and the universe comes alive. The ancient Egyptians used two concepts of time to explain the nature of existence. Djet time refers to a linear unbroken line of eternity, existing in perpetuity. It is the darkness upon which all rests. Neheh refers to the cyclical nature of time in a dualistic construct where light as energy comes and goes. The cycle is observed, and we create our idea of time. Time comes and goes. Time comes forth by day and returns to the dark by night.

Every day the hammer strikes. Eventually, one of those strikes cracks the shell and understanding pours forth.