menagerie

My own personal world that I have brought into existence is crumbling before me. The hell I incarnated into for reasons is being destroyed. I see pandemics, wars, famine, natural catastrophes, increasing polarization, and insanity all on the rise. Dear friends have departed, and my life has inexorably changed. The writing is on the wall.

My existence is so profound. I say that because my dream which I conjured to fulfill my desires has been impeccably stitched into the fabric of existence by the master weaver. The Great Goddess created the material world out of many patterns and the quilt she made is stunning. I am a part of the universal quilt and within my lifetime I was able to see my place within the blanket of existence and realize my own story which is different than everybody else's story. The menagerie I constantly marvel at. The storylines that intermingle and collide are legendary.

The signs of the coming apocalypse are unique to each and every one of us. I'm at the point in my dream where both chronologically and from a real-time perspective, I see the end converging. I'm in the second half of my life, so of course I am more keenly aware of my mortality. As I look out into this world I share with many others, I also see the end. Perhaps it's just my perspective and my dream is ending because I'm fully awake. I can see through the curtain, so I'm no longer mesmerized by the play. I guess when that happens, the drama detours off towards the end of the performance. A re-write is commissioned and the story arcs towards completion. The actor fulfilled his role and rode off into the sunset. The award shows for my performance await!

What's the story of my life? What role did I just play to perfection? I remember an Ayahuasca vision of the great actor. He appeared at a point in my search for meaning where I started to see beyond the veil. I was transforming from a scared seeker of truth into a warrior who would slay the dragon and ascend the mountain. The story was reaching the climax where I would encounter the antagonist and rise to the challenge. Once I became the conquering hero, I would search for love. The story ends when I learn to love. I have found the path of the heart and I know what's left. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. This is the last chapter and thus the peripheral storylines are all coming to an end as well.

The great actor I met in vision I laughed at. He was playing the part of a struggling actor who lacked purpose and identity, mirroring my own life. Here is my written account of the vision:

Then to my right at this carnival scene a car on tracks drove up to me. I understood it to delineate a transition of scenes. The driver was very funny and played the part well, so I complimented him on his skills and asked if he was an actor. He said no, and I said he should pursue it. He thanked me and then I innately knew the scene needed to change so I said he should go. I looked away, paused, and looked back and he was still there though once again an inner knowing was clear this part of the vision was over and needed to come to an end. Finally, he left, I waved, he did a jump and a click of his heels and departed. Then he stopped and tried to do more acting and be funny. I told him he had gone too far and wasn't funny anymore. He said Awwwwww and left.

The actor is me and at that point I didn't know I was an actor, so when asked I denied knowing my role. An actor playing an actor. What a great story and the perfect appearance of the actor in my own play. I told him he wasn't needed at this point as I was still heavily invested in the drama. I told him to leave as I wanted to see this part of the chapter to its natural ending. The actor understood and proceeded to leave, clicking his heels, and waiting for my adoration. It wasn't coming. There was no applause at this point, instead I told him it was time to go. The actor appears when the chapter is ending. I'll probably be seeing him again soon.

Who are the greatest writers of all time? Shakespeare, Homer, Austen, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Bronte? They all touched on the human journey and our morbid condition. They grappled with absurdities and adventure with aplomb. May I suggest it is you, dear disciple of Dionysos, who is not only the greatest writer of all time, but also the greatest actor. I salute you and award you the greatest of all honours. Well done!

love and light

I was preparing for an upcoming trip to Peru and was recalling my prior use of a psychedelic substance called Vilca. A good blast up the nose promises a consciousness journey you will not soon forget. The second time I participated in this ritual, I endured a chaotic experience, complete with a sense this was it, and I wasn't going to make it through the trip. I persevered until a point where it did really feel like too much and then the upset stopped. Everything got peaceful and I found myself in this dark warehouse on an industrial elevator which let me off at the top. There was the sound of dripping water from old pipes. These beings of light then populated the area and welcomed me. They were shining, kind of like a diamond, though they were multi-dimensional to the point I have no words available to describe them. Light was cycling through them, representative of the colour spectrum. They explained to me they were made of love and powered by light. They told me this was my essence as well. These dazzling beings then instructed me to do what they were doing. Raise and lower your light vibration, as this is what makes you eternal within the container of love. I then practiced this behaviour, lit up the room, and the scene gradually faded away.

Five years later, I got the full teaching. Imagine how dense sometimes we can be? It is very funny now that while I was preparing for this upcoming journey, I realized they were telling me to practice being love and light not only with them at the time, but to do this back in my consensus reality. The advice was simple - be a balance of love and light, that's all. Of course, I knew I was love and light and to that state of pureness I would someday return, but they told me I already am this and to practice being it. Oh, I get it! I mean Earth is the toughest course of them all, reserved for the overachievers. If you can fully embrace love and light while in the pressure cooker of life, then the eternal exam you write on the path of the heart is aced.

Love is unity and light is separation. Balancing these two ideals opens the path of the heart home. The mesa of the great pre-Columbian shamans of the Andes mountains teaches this balancing act as the way towards wholeness. The seven-fold chakra system of the ancient Indus valley demonstrates the same principle where found in the middle chakra is the heart.

The celebration will be top notch when you return home. Everything now is making sense.

If I'm on the duality trip, I will retain the sense of a self. I think about living forever because I'm in the dimension of time which is fostered by objectification. When my body dies, my energetic signature remains as long as I maintain the illusion of separation and I access my many comings and goings. I reunite with old friends and laugh at our adventures. I see those close to me and discuss roles. Oh wow, in that incarnation you were my mother. Before that you were my lover. My brother was my son and so on. Was I once someone's daughter? We all take as many trips as necessary in order to learn the lesson being taught. Ultimately, we are given instruction on Love and are shown the path of the heart. We are to show each other the way home after our sojourns within duality. When ready, we dissolve back into the one, becoming whole and unified in love. The fount of all is love, outside of time. When ready, all becomes separate once again, and we renew the vow of love. We demonstrate that despite all hardships and suffering, love is the sauce that will free us and allow us to overcome any obstacle thrown our way. And so it is, until we all get the message and put it into practice. The University of Duality remains until we all go.

As unified energy, we don't re-engage the dualistic adventure until we all are ready. It's another long haul; a cleansing within the waters of incarnation. The measurement of time fills our senses with the acknowledgement of repetitive cycles of motion which seem to go on infinitely. The appearance of energy within the container of the universe is the long game, not be entered into without expectations of loneliness, suffering, hardship, adventure, exhilaration, and triumph. A celestial celebration worthy of a Queen and King awaits your return from the Earth game, the hardest of all the love courses. You are not going to get a perfect score, and failure is expected. Failure and suffering will teach you what you came here to learn. The course revolves around love and finding the path of the heart home. Walk the path, feel the truthfulness of what you have discovered, shine your light, and embrace the great mother. Help those who are looking for guidance. That's all.

It doesn't seem all too difficult. Love all and tell the truth. As don Howard told me, it takes courage to live your life this way. Logically, I feel it shouldn't be hard, but the human game makes it so. We want to fit in and so lose some authenticity. We live lives of deception in order to blend into the fabric of society. Our culture is based upon appearance and demonstrating you are successful. Being successful in the culture requires a certain level of ostentatiousness. We become programmed by the prevailing establishment and our thoughts aren't really our own. It's a definite struggle to break free of control and go it alone. A puppet always has a certain affinity for the master puppeteer. He gives him food and shelter in exchange for subservience. You are a pawn on a chessboard obscuring the reality you are not only royalty, but you designed the game. This is your trip!

The challenge of your lifetime awaits. Can you find the way home?

my religion

My religion is the Great Goddess' path of the heart. Initially, the teachings are external as you look for answers outside of yourself. Eventually, you go inwards and find all you need you always had. The canon of instruction also involves seeing duality through heaven and hell. I realized a hell world of suffering is promulgated by a heavenly world of judgment and righteousness. I saw God and the Devil as two sides of the same coin. I looked and found a dragon in the heavens and spotted him in the abyss of hell. I looked within and this was me - the light and the darkness. I saw the massive amount of suffering and my starring role in its continuance.

In examining my own life, I can be confident that nobody gets sent to hell. You go to hell of your own accord. A chance to fulfill desires. This makes the game a little transparent because I know why you're here and I just have to find out what it is that makes you tick. Power, fame, greed, lust, gluttony, wrath - which one is it? I realized all suffering is grace - the grace being the power of suffering to transform. I opened my heart and embraced love which birthed the King within. Some call it Christ consciousness, Krishna, or the Buddha nature - it doesn't matter. Jesus is the coming forth of the desires of the heart. When you make love with the Goddess, the child who results from the union is Jesus. Jesus subsequently hangs out with thieves and whores. That's who we are. Look within, and you will find him hanging out with you.

The human being is defined by contradiction, and it is an exquisite game. The role of seduction and addiction is paradoxical. We easily addict to the trivial and pleasures within our material world. We see the way out of the pleasure byproduct of suffering through becoming free of desire. However, as I pointed out, the suffering is divine and thus the path of the renunciate leads to a dead end in the labyrinth of life. I know the grand purpose of why it is we suffer. The continual strong doses of suffering are designed to lead one towards love. Just a taste of that love will be all you need to know that this is the only way to live. The beatings will indeed continue until morale improves.

The paradox is we are desire, desire causes heartache, and in the end, it is desire that will get you home. The desire that causes so much suffering will become alchemical gold as you turn your desire inwards towards your heart and find the key to unlock the door of home. If you ask, you will be shown the way to what it is you truly desire. Addict yourself to love. What a long road it was to burn through all my desires, exhausting the chase, until I emptied the tank and felt drained of life's energy. It was the way through - a tantric invitation to indulge one last time in order to shed desires of the flesh. Subsequently, the teachings of the Goddess turned towards continuing desire. I finally felt I had slayed the beast, walked free of attachment, and the mistress of seduction tells me desire is what will set me free. In my confusion I did not understand. She directed me to a poem I wrote back in 2011 when I was a novice on the path:

I asked for the light to shine within and to direct the unquenchable flame of desire towards my heart. It's the sum total journey of my life to get to this point with over eleven years lapsing since I asked to bleach my soul. In retrospect, it's like learning to play a musical instrument or learning a new language. We all want it to happen overnight; instead, it takes years of practice, sometimes where you think you are never going to get there. I owe everything I have become to Her. I see home. Addict yourself to the heart and you can enter through the front door.

The feminine divine is the curator of magic. Within her grasp are all potentialities, waiting to be discovered. She holds the power to fulfill all our desires and is the fount of the masculine eternal cycle of coming and going. She is the impetus which enlivens the divine masculine, who overcome by her charms, activates the energy and brings the universe alive. The universe comes forth through fiat magic. Desire creates the universe. Desire is magic. The potentiality of the desire resides in the feminine. The masculine is the activation of this power.

My story is I chased the Great Goddess until I finally came into direct contact with her in the jungle of the Amazon basin. She led me there, making sure I made the choice to come along at every stop of the way. She presented to me the answers to all I was searching for, even though I didn't understand the lessons. I met her first and following this encounter, I met a dark masculine force. All these discoveries were fantastic and scared me beyond belief. Eventually, she told me this dark masculine energy was her husband, and he kept her locked up in a castle made of gold.

Why would this exquisite woman marry such a psychopath? She had her pick of any man she wanted, yet this Queen chose him? I certainly didn't understand it. Furthermore, she treated me, this accidental explorer of consciousness, as the most special man she had ever met. She encouraged me to go after her husband and release her from bondage. I carried out my duties and as the hero went after the dragon. I looked into the Goddess' mirror and saw I was the dragon. I was that man who locked her in the castle. I awakened to the mystery. I saw myself as the light and the darkness. I am the reason behind all that is good and the unfathomable suffering.

As the Goddess' Tarot teaches, once the fool starts off on his journey, he will soon encounter the magician. The magician does not suffer fools, and so the journey for most soon comes to an end. He will shake you to your core and cause an introspection so great which will result in you making a choice that is uniquely yours. You can accept the offer of power and sell your soul. You can run and try to hide. You close the lid on this mistake and shove the genie back in the bottle, never to rub it again. An unfulfilled destiny awaits you as you live out your life a failure. Alternatively, you can summon courage and return to the path you had retreated from. There's no shame from the retreat. It's necessary. No one makes it through on the first attempt. The key is to come back, knowing what monster awaits you.

The resolve you show is the elixir you need to demonstrate you have what it takes to unfold the great mystery. The magician takes notice and again offers you power over your pitiful life. Another test. Do you want to live out all your dreams and become that man who towers over his peers? It's there for the taking. At this point you don't understand you are the magician, and so the temptation is great.

Passing this test will lead you to a confrontation with the dragon and you will have to summon the magic within to enact transformation. It's all worth it and will be an experience you will remember for as long as eternity stays around. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. What a game you set up for yourself and the exhilaration of a successful outcome is special. Not long after, you are shown you are the magician. The Great Goddess holds the potential, and you make it happen. She is the song, and you are the music. That's quite the responsibility. I choose to let it be and unfold as originally intended. I don't want to interfere, but instead leave Earth as it is as a finishing school for wayward spirits. When you complete the course, you can leave.

I see the magic unfold in my life as originally intended. I sense I can manifest all my desires in order to see how far I will go in order to satiate them. I want to know what still keeps me attached, thus subconsciously I surface all. I play them out to the end, tire of the thrill, and let them go. I'm a work in progress, following the path back home to the heart. I've come a long way and I still test myself every now and then. I take my ability to be successful and give it away to others. This keeps me going towards the heart. I see it clearly now.

Nobody leaves this game with a perfect score. That would be a pretty dull life. Learn from your mistakes. Lift yourself up off the mat and retrace your steps with the power of experience behind you. Confront your fears and don't back away from a challenge. Trust me, fulfillment of your personal quest awaits you if you heed the call.

From my masculine perspective, the worship of God is an act of fellatio upon yourself. The proper act of worship for a man is to venerate the Goddess. My incarnation into an infinitesimally small body in a vast universe is my devotion to Her. My intent is to worship Her. From this understanding, I know there is nothing I need to do once I open my heart and see why I have created a world of mass suffering. I did it to honour Her. My intention is to prove to Her that despite the odds being stacked against me, I would find my way back home. I threw it all into the mix in order to get me to veer off course and despite all obstacles I found my way back home. In fact, I found her premature of understanding the whole game. I threw a wrench into this great game by finding the answer prior to knowing the question. Once found, she implored me to return home, but I still had to climb the mountain of knowledge and get understanding in this mortal coil of why I did it. I had to tempt myself one last time with the opportunity to live out my selfish desires and once again leave Her.

I completed the climb and got the clarity I was seeking. I re-discovered Her and understood the healing power of love. I know the way home as taught by the Great Goddess is through Love. Love is the elixir of what just is - providing, healing, and comforting. My gift to my eternal bride is to understand the nature of who she is. This is the reason I have done what I have done. This is why I caused massive amounts of suffering. A divine suffering which forges a love so strong so I can be at peace and in love for eternity.

I knew I didn't have to do anything. I was loved and all my shortcomings were forgiven. My actions revealed my intentions. Despite the struggle, my path has been to walk back towards her garden, sidestepping the pitfalls I had set up for myself along the way. Here I am. I have returned a warrior having forged steel in the fires of this hell, tempered with the love of the Great Goddess.

This is my universe. To show my love and appreciation for my Love is why I desired to manifest such an adventure realm. My life is my gift to the Great Goddess. All this I did for Her; a supreme act of love to demonstrate that against all odds I would find Her within a sea of misogyny, greed, and suffering and lift Her up onto the pedestal of supreme honour and reverence.

fingerprints and snowflakes

We are all unique and as part of this understanding I have come to realize we have all incarnated for as many different reasons as there are varied fingerprints and fallen snowflakes in the world. To be sure, there is definitely a lot of overlap and therefore our journeys do share much in common and we can find others who are walking a similar path. The spiritual path I am walking is unique. I definitely recognized that as I usually do not find commonality with others and their experiences. The cast of spiritual characters I have met are typically the same or of a similar cultural motif, but I find it's my interpretation of the journey differs remarkably. That's a tough one for a human as we wish to find connection with others so we can walk hand in hand. My adventure has largely focused on authenticity and being true to what it is I have experienced.

Another way to look at the human spiritual journey is as such: When you follow a system, such as Buddhism, you are are walking in the footsteps of the Buddha and those that came after him who interpreted his teachings. The corpus that followed is a way for a practitioner to reach a form of enlightenment in Buddhism. This method is Buddha's. He was uniquely ready to walk his path. It probably isn't yours and will lead towards frustration. The template will help but you must look inward to find what it is you are looking for. Your journey will be different from the Buddha and his experience. In Christianity, if you join the church, you are given a set of beliefs, called dogma, that you must follow. Any spiritual insight you may have had up to that point is then surrendered to the authority of the church and your beliefs become homogenized with many others. Your individual journey comes to an end, and you become part of a group. The cultural institution of the church knows of the peculiar spiritual awakening that occurs within humans and is set up to welcome those in the culture who have these revelations. The cynic in me would say the church takes advantage of this situation and attains much power and profit because of the relationship. The trusting part of me says the church is the shepherd which guides the flock towards God.

I consider myself lucky to have always known this in the back of my mind. Even when I was an atheist, I was aware each and every one of us are unique. We walk the earth journey in our own set of shoes, not someone else's. As I became more open to spirituality, I wanted to forge ahead on my own journey of discovery, regardless of culture or inhibitions. I was searching for the elusive truth. Somewhere along the way I discovered I create my own universe and as a byproduct, I create my own truth. In my 15 years of spiritual mania, I have indeed found the truth I was looking for. I can elucidate my discoveries and the cast of characters involved in the unfolding of divine truths. I could set up a religion that is designed for someone to follow in my footsteps and have revealed all it is I have discovered. You can become just like me with all my spiritual knowledge and rewards. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. However, I will gladly talk about my experiences and share my story.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have received a profound teaching. The course involved the re-emphasizing of something I had already known but had let lapse, so the follow-up exam was very effective. Let me see if I can sum up the teaching:

When I treat the world as external, I get scared. When I realize all is a part of who I am, then I accept the world as is and am not scared.

Upon heading out on the intensive stage of my spiritual journey I encountered the light, the darkness, and love. I externalized my journey and so when I came face to face with the sinister, I frightened the shit out of myself and ran. I continued to externalize my adversary for many years, and it served me immensely. This is because in order to get past the fear, I had to transform into a warrior full of courage. My journey wasn't going to get far if I was a coward. Eventually, I became the king of myself, and I ruled my world. At the same time, I started to discover that all I had externalized was in fact within me. This led to a complete understanding that not only was this occult world within my own universe, but it was all me. I am all.

So, when I faced some uncertainty in life and was feeling physically ill, I let my mind run wild and one night I again externalized the darkness within. The master teacher is so very frightening and when externalized he trips you up. If you meet this guy on the spiritual path, he will fuck you up.

I used to do this on the regular when I was a newbie and then uncertainty would pour into my spiritual path. Revisiting this experience allowed me to see fear is the result of separation and externalizing all you are. When you realize it is all you, then of course you feel safe. The corollary is that you are the evil in the world. You initiate and perpetuate all the suffering. It sucks but if you keep walking the path you will see all suffering is grace and is the master tool for transformation. The transformation is designed to allow you to find the path back home. The path back home is to the garden of the Mother. Home is where the heart is, and the heart is love. This is my spiritual path and I'd like to think it is the ultimate in what we seek. My methods of getting there will definitely be different than yours. The labyrinth leads to many places, some are filled with a radiant and blinding light. I'd like to announce my way through the maze is the truth and the way, but I'm onto the game. Others are at different stages and paths on the journey and what is unfolding for them is what they need. It's not my place to direct them to my path if they haven't done the work which will allow them to be successful.

plant medicine synthesis

The feminine weaves together the container, both the universe and the body. The masculine spirit gives the objects the juice, which makes it all come alive. The feminine decelerates energy into form and then the masculine goes to work to enliven it. This is the dance of life and defines existence. It's a game of push and pull and the cycle of appearances creates the motion which defines time. The objectification combined with the hide and seek act of coming and going creates life as we know it. Our world is defined by cycles.

The masculine is active energy while the feminine is passive. The feminine is the rock of ages. She is linear time. The eternal soul who is omnipresent. The masculine comes and goes and rules the cosmos, a member of an intergalactic band of misogynists; however, he is nothing without her. She creates the container, and he is the current which brings the biological to life. When the container weakens, the life force destroys itself, and is free once again, on the universal prowl for another place with which to incarnate.

The feminine is eternal and unchanging, yet she participates in the game of the man. She is the springboard which allows the light of the masculine to enliven the universe. The masculine is cyclical; always coming and going. The essence of who you are through the feminine is the heart and the appearances are the iterations of self through the life force of the masculine. To rediscover and answer the eternal question of who am I, is to find the path of the heart and walk back home. You are made of love and powered by light. You are love and your appearances are patterns of light energy.

Through Huachuma, I was metaphorically shown the masculine galactic travellers who use the human body as a battery. The body can ingest food stores and convert foodstuff into energy. The virus-like reptilian invader inhabits the body and biologically comes forth. It's a parasitical relationship at its core, though the word parasite is prejudicial in that the union is beneficial to both parties. A few cosmetic changes were in the offing. Lose the tail and do something about the prevalence of hair. The woman will never be happy, so she adorns herself with the latest fashion, and paints her face. Ha ha. Oh, and perfume please. These beasts smell really bad. We the parasites have transformed the human ape into a new species. It can be argued that the new human species has been detrimental to the health of the planet, and to that I will not argue.

The knowledge and visions of this relationship were disturbing. I didn't get the metaphor at first and took it literally. Why am I being shown these galactic misfits who abuse biological forms? I was shown how like a virus they invade the host and the environment and strip the surroundings of their natural resources. We dig and drill into the Great Mother and strip her bare. We try to discover her secrets of life but never get to the core answer. We want the ability to create life without her. We are at the A.I. robot stage. Ultimately, it is love which she uses to create form and something we don't understand. The knowledge I was given through plant medicines was of a race of intergalactic misogynists who roam the universe. In other words, the spirit. It's a true representation of man, that I can't argue. We are the adventurers, while the feminine is the nurturing soul who reminds us every now and again of love. Originally, I was recruited to become a leader of one of these galactic tribes to which I declined. Subsequently, I had Ayahuasca visions of these crazed misogynists.

When I snuffed Vilca later in my consciousness journey, I was shown the enlightened among this viral-like race. I reached this place where there were beings made of love and powered by light. It was the result of what we seek because we gave up the impetus to conquer and rape. Instead, we embraced love. When we discovered the love of the feminine, all that we were seeking was given to us. We then transformed into these diamond-like shining creatures of love and light.

I'm at the point in my journey where I was looking for origin answers. I don't ask for much though I know if I do ask, I will get the answers. The Great Goddess promised me such an outcome. I don't abuse the privilege. I asked a few weeks ago for the answer to who we are and what it is we seek. As with most questions I now become curious about, I already had the knowledge. I had just had to put it all together and understand it. World events conspire with visionary medicine to reveal what it is you are looking for. We each manifest our life according to our desires. We can fulfill what it is we really want. Find out why you are here, and then walk that path back home. You will be amazed as everything unfolds in due time and what it is you seek is found. What you raged at as an injustice was in fact teaching you and leading you to the answers you sought. The events of our existence are disparate events that are woven into your personal story. This is a conspiracy between the great dramatist and the master seamstress. She makes the costumes, and I am the divine actor. The weaver is exquisite. The thread count and stitching are impeccable. Nobody sees it until you ask. Then with compassion, she shows you how it works and how the blanket she makes for her children fulfills all their desires. Eventually, we come back home to mom.

The New Testament calls the spirit that takes up residence in matter the Logos. We are led to believe this is a one-time proposition and we call the amalgamation Christ. An understanding of the biblical passages in their original Greek reveals that the Logos is within all and through intention we create our universe. We are the director and the actor of our personal play. This is what you wanted. Act with gusto and go for the Academy Award. Bask in the bright lights of self, come forth as the flower, and when done return home to the family. Love awaits the eternal spirit and as the saying goes, "There's no place like home."