highs and lows

I know from experience that the best lessons, knowledge, and learning from a plant medicine experience come from the challenge. The direct within ceremony aspect of the extreme alteration of consciousness presents as cyclical highs and lows. This paradigm follows what you experience in daily life in a condensed manner. With Ayahuasca, the intense phase lasts for about five hours. When I sink into the depths and feel discomfort plus fear during the ceremony I react to the challenge. At first, I warn myself to stay away from these drugs as the upset is too much. I resist the darkness and the unveiling of negative influences upon me and the negativity I project upon others. This part of the experience does pass. I ascend to a blissful state of awareness and bask in the glow that has enveloped me. Because of this outcome, I participated in more plant medicine ceremonies. I can minimize the terrible lows, blocking out how bad it made me feel, and balance the alteration of consciousness. I have done this enough that I'm quite aware of the process and how I handle it. Without the lows teaching me, I'd have moved on. I always threaten to move on from these substances because of the darkness but that is the mystery that gnawed at me and made me come back for more.

Ayahuasca is more intense than Huachuma. The difference is the duration and mobility. In my experience Huachuma is about a twelve-hour trip with a strong dose. You can get out in nature and potentiate the intoxication with life. The group dynamic becomes key and the sharing and caring aspect of the plants comes into play. Ayahuasca floors you and sticks you to the ground. The mareación is a drunkenness of the body which precludes much moving around unless threatened by gastrointestinal distress.

My use of the plants has been a ten-year odyssey. Each substance comes on in a peculiar way and has predictable effects. What I have noticed however is that the commonality is the alteration of your vibration which then causes the highs and lows. The effects of Ayahuasca and Huachuma upon the body are vastly different and I have noticed along with Mushrooms, Tobacco, Peyote, Vilca, and Toé that it's the changing of consciousness which is the pinnacle of these experiences. Furthermore, I can extrapolate this out into my everyday existence. My life is a trip. It's a dream where I have locked myself into a frequency and live out a life in a common universe with others who have locked to the same frequency. A wholesale change in vibration will gain you access to obfuscated modalities of existence which I can definitely call different dreamworlds. Everything is here and now. It all exists right here and our perception and perspective determine our reality. The energy is all shared and we shape the drama according to our rate of vibration. Pretty cool huh? That means what I do here in this plane can affect the energetic signature that is reshaped in another consciousness plane or vice versa. When we tire of this play or wear out our welcome in the story, we perish. We leave this soap opera for the new cast of characters and move on in the story of our lives. We liberate our energy, break free of the hypnotic capture of our awareness, and regain a sense of our omnipotence in this multiverse. I like to think we have a purposeful purposelessness. I mean there is nothing to fear in terms of annihilation but a lot to learn in terms of love.

When taking plant medicines, it often feels like a waking dream. Silent Lucidity as the 90's band Queensrÿche would say:

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the years

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see this magic new dimension...

Eventually, this life will start to feel the same way as a plant medicine journey and the parallels will become obvious. Life is a visionary experience full of those same highs and lows you experience in the storm of a psychedelic. They just play out over a longer period of time. The big picture is to get the high, there must be a low. There's no escape from this. The rollercoaster of life just doesn't go as fast as the one at the mindfuck carnival. The great cosmic white knuckle sleigh ride (Hi don Howard and Parker!) seems more in control. The lessons of a life lived are found in the down times - you know those depressing times that go on for what seems forever where sometimes you wonder if you will ever get out of them. You are searching for the light which will get you back to the high of life, trying to escape the pit. Deep down we know hell is going to transform us, but I always resist.

It's all what you and I wanted. It's why we came here. The challenge is what will allow the growth. Nirvana will make you fat and lazy - an eternal couch potato. The struggle and the pain are the elixir of adventure. Adventure in the divine playground awaits.

Living twice at once, you learn

You're safe from the pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dream's alive, you can be the guide...

euoi!

Hail Dionysos! Truly, once you know then you should give your respects and honour Dionysos, lest he fucks up your game.

We humans play a good game. We fit into society and culture and act the part of respectability. We need the depraved and the down and out. They show us our true potential. Not all potential must be of a higher calling; instead, what can be revealed is our innermost desires and a mind caught up in fulfilling those callings. I have a good laugh on the inside when I engage others in conversation and hear about their noble endeavours and the life of achievement and service they continually fulfill. I laugh because I play that game as well. I can't tell others what I'm really thinking. A good deal of my thoughts are of the debauchery and carnal nature. Sex, drugs, ceremonial intoxication, and the lot. I don't go around telling the other about this. Occasionally, you meet someone who might share these interests and you can be open about it. Yeah, that will animate your world and is a form of freedom. A freedom to be yourself.

Dionysos has many toys that are used to distract him. The key is to keep him amused because once he gets ahold of you, the passion will send you into a frenzy hellbent upon fulfillment of whatever it is you desire. It's a foregone conclusion he will steer you towards getting what you want. First is the mirror so the boy can gaze on himself, fall in love with his reflection, and marvel at this beauty and intelligence. Twin distractions to bemuse the god. If that's not enough, the golden apple symbolizing his eternal return will add to a content narcissism which allows him to play the game with abandon. Trivial playthings like knucklebones and spinning tops engage the child so he remains ignorant of his true potential for destruction. Dig deeper into his basket and get a hold of the phallic object. The cult of the dildo! The maenads are drawn to him, and the satyrs filled by his lusty power.

The intoxication brings out the ecstasy and a reintroduction to the passion buried over a lifetime of conforming to culture and the weight of expectations. Let him in and he will possess you and it's what you have been waiting for and want. The escape is always waiting at your side. He's been waiting for the invitation and there are many ways to get his attention. There's no organization or a priesthood. When you know, you know. One look into the eyes of an unaware worshipper and you can see it. If you don't know about him, this can be shocking, albeit quite interesting.

One of the side effects of no longer resisting him and letting his energy free flow through your essence is the wild ones will see it, become curious, and then want to follow you around and perhaps drink from your cup. You can tell by their interest and how they look at you. There's always an impediment to prevent the tasting of the forbidden fruit, but lust has a rather good record of accomplishment. The spell lasts for a good while until something snaps them out of it. The cyclone forms, peaks, and then peters out. Don't worry, it will return, so either bide your time for the next hit or batten down the hatches - if you are wary of the next storm.

mirror of unvarnished truth

Huachuma in retrospect is divinatory. That's quite the statement because you can't verify the fortune telling while in the medicine. It's just a chaotic storm of happenings which you get swept up in. In the coming months to follow what was revealed plays out. There's still a choice in the matter but you see the result because chances are the choices you are going to make are all part of the lesson plan. They have been baked into the unveiling of who you are. It is truly the mirror of unvarnished truth.

On the plant medicine path, a lot of us become spiritual. It's a natural occurrence because of the profundity of the visions which connect you to your inner world. This world is full of the archetypes found in world religions. It's all there. God, Devil, suppressed Goddess, angels, and demons. We put on airs and graces because we have seen the truth. We know! These plants are relentless and reveal to you your blatant hypocrisy. Yeah, sure, you know - we are going to test you out. Not only that but we will show you the result of your actions, give you a choice in the matter, and then see what you do.

So, what makes Huachuma good at showing you the future? I believe it's because we all have the capacity ourselves and over time, we have just lost it from disuse. Time is illusory and everything is an unfolding of the now. Releasing yourself from time allows you to see the big picture. When you drink a couple full cups of cactus juice the result is a potentiation of energy. Energy is not bound by time. This potentiation magnifies everything within. For most plant medicine drinkers of Huachuma this is reflected in the environment. The earth is breathing, the air is thick, the sun creates jewelled reflections everywhere, and the trees are alive and saying hello. As nightfall descends, the stars become gemstones in the sky. We become more of an open book to others. We have laser focus on our life, where we are heading, the mistakes we have made, and where we have excelled. The next level of medicine is realizing the clarity of vision and thought applies to everything in your sphere of influence. The ability to compute the future through input and stimulus becomes a thing. I saw what was going to happen in the coming days and months plus the result of my actions. I was warned of the eventual outcome. I was shown the temporary bliss that would animate my sedentary life. I saw a hurricane to my left and chose to walk into the eye of the storm. I didn't have to - I could have easily found shelter and carried on with my life.

Along the same line of questioning regarding showing you the mirror of unvarnished truth, the darkness within contains that mirror too. You just need to shine a tiny light on it in order to see the reflection. I have been aghast at the thoughts coming from below for a long time because I always think I shouldn't be having these thoughts. We all have those questionable and depraved thoughts. Some are downright mean towards others. If I want to project an image of love towards my fellow human being, why do I have these thoughts? Can't I get rid of them?

On my journey towards completeness, I first recognized the shadow within as a rumbling from the deep which would cyclically hound me. I saw the split and at first wanted him to go. After realizing he has a 50% claim on this incarnation, I started to investigate deeper. The use of psychedelics was a sure-fire way to explore, and it was constant. After getting past the initial fear of him, I eventually befriended my darkness which led to an understanding. I still carry a little wariness of him and know sometimes he's up to a little trickery but ostensibly I know it's for the good of us. The trickery is just giving me what I desire. I don't want to own up to it, so I blame him. What I realized is the deceit I practiced for years upon him and the extent I went to bury him. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, the expectation is he isn't going back. I fully understand and support this as I don't want him to leave. He's my best friend and I understand him.

So, about those thoughts. I have accepted them, and they are funny in a way. I'll keep them to myself because they aren't polite. It's freeing that I can have them and no longer be mortified. I do see a pattern to the thoughts in that they revolve around freedom. My shadow is constantly steering me towards liberation. It's like he has a Buddha mind preaching non-attachment. My actions are always leading towards attachment, and he gives me permission to see a life without the chains. I have noticed within us is the cyclical craving for attachment and then a desire to be free. We are a basket of confusion to others. This is what I want. I get it. I'm not happy. I want what I gave up. On and on it goes! My shadow is giving me the straight goods of fulfilling desires and not getting attached. It's a dubious cultural choice but the dude stays away from the expectations of others. He is from the wrong side of the tracks.

I have now done enough psychedelic trips to describe what happens when I let my mind free flow under the influence of a consciousness changing substance. The advice is always to turn off your mind and enjoy the ride. I can do that, and the experience is different than if I don't shut down the thinking mind. With Ayahuasca, the session is more visual when you let go and observe. With Huachuma, you see and sense the grandeur of everything around you when out in nature or visiting ancient sites. When I engaged my mind with Ayahuasca I would produce dark and fantastical stories that would give me second thoughts about doing work with these substances. I conflated it with my shadow. Huachuma would be similar in that I would concoct unsettling stories. I would ping-pong between what I termed heaven and hell. The mind would take me to hell.

It was on this recent trip that I discovered a secret. The Huachuma was so strong I would cycle between my mind and what Huachuma was trying to show me. The intoxication overwhelmed my thinking mind, so I was going in and out of it. My mind was me and not my shadow. My mind revealed it was the saboteur of the experience and I had always blamed this aspect on my darkness. The thoughts going through my head were always negative, so I thought, no, that can't be normal, that must be coming from my depths. At Chavín de Huantar in the Andes mountains, I sat on a rock at the Mosna river and witnessed this other worldly knowledge come into my sphere of knowing and then observed my mind grabbing onto and spinning it into a narrative to be used to sabotage what was to come. The experience that day was divinatory and revealing to me how others affect me. I saw into the future and when my mind cycled to dominance it turned the experience negative. The story that was crafted made me wary of others and looking back on the trip I saw how this was a constant.

When I've engaged my shadow in altered consciousness, he has never cast aspersions or blame. He's been brutally honest. When I have invented stories in these realms it has been the product of the ego mind. Those thoughts are mine, coming from my mind. I blamed them on my shadow because I wanted to disassociate myself from them.

Why does my mind do this? I know from my initial experiences a lot is about fright. I scared myself tremendously in my first foray into the depths of self. I saw within me this demon who is my shadow. I ran from this. In retrospect I know there was nothing to be frightened about, it was just revealing another facet of me, but the expected reaction is to fear the unknown. My shadow holds the key to my awakening, so at first, he must put you through the tests. He pushes you away, threatens you, and reveals that you are a coward. He makes you want it. You must fight back or run away, never to return. I was curious enough to return and put up a fight. I impressed the hell out of him, and I earned my way into the inner circle of awakening. All along I have tried to prevent this from happening by conjuring stories intended to scare myself away from psychedelics. When I was no longer scared of them, the narratives crafted concerned others and a mistrust of the scene. Psychedelics are careening me headlong into freedom and the destruction of my comfortable life. The fright turned to self-preservation. The me I had built over a lifetime had to end but wasn't going down without a fight. Deep within I knew it had to happen lest I slow walk myself into a shallow grave of non-fulfillment. My shadow readied the knife and whispered the end was near. When events were set in motion, he showed me what was to come and then I went back into that self-preservation mode to try and get myself out of it.

I catch myself all the time in everyday life creating stories to fit into how I want things to be. It's an external vigilance to be on the lookout for the devious crafts of the mind. I thought I couldn't trust my shadow - he's the trickster. Instead, I found out he's the stand-up guy and fulfills my deepest desires through this magic he holds in his hands. It is I who can't be trusted, who is not resolute, repeatedly changes his mind, and is frustrating to be sure. My saving grace is I'm the perfect face for this construct. I can get away with the deceit and make everyone believe I'm a great person. I'm not. I'm a good person but I have many faults. I'm an all-star at hiding them. I've said it before - I'm a master people pleaser. I excel in giving people what they want. They think they can use me to their advantage. They don't know I'm scheming. I gain their trust and then use it to my advantage. It's a two-fold con. I'm a nice guy and then I take advantage. I'm forever one up.

What have I learned?

The darkness is what will bring the light. You can't push away the shadow in a bid to become ultra-holy. The reveal of your hypocrisy is troubling. In my case, a flip occurred where I saw truth in what the darkness reveals. It is I who creates the spin. I didn't want the truth as I wanted to really believe I'm the good guy. The time comes when you must look into the mirror of unvarnished truth and see the deception. Acknowledgement gets you in the door. Then the work comes. 

god with an expiration date

Events in my life forced a reckoning with self and I turned to my inner guidance for instruction on how to proceed. The wisdom advice simply recommended I sit with myself for two weeks. That's what I did. I ran through the gamut of thoughts, emotions, pain, sadness, anger, and emptiness. It was a necessary exercise to just let it all come out. I knew at the conclusion of this stage I should do some deep inner work and that would involve Magic Mushrooms. I haven't done a large dose in a while but had a feeling it would be beneficial to directly connect with my shadow, as for me that is the essence of my mushroom experiences. I ended up ingesting close to three grams in one night and the trip was perfect. It was difficult and after an hour I wanted it to stop. I wanted to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Of course, I couldn't and despite the reluctance and wanting out, I am grateful for the five hours in the medicine. The knowledge was other worldly and exactly what I needed. If I could, I'd like to do this more often. I won't though because it is so hard. Why is it hard? In my experience, after about an hour or so the mind overloads itself preparing for what some would call ego dissolution. Personally, I'd call it psyche splintering. My mind separates into two distinct halves. One half is who I think is me and the other half is my shadow. To get to this stage is the hard part. As it is happening it is so uncomfortable, I tend to think I will get stuck in this mindset forever and I couldn't live like this. The overloading of the mind at this point makes you aware of others who live their lives in this state. I seriously could not go on like that and would look for a way to numb myself or end it. So, that's the hard part for me of doing mushrooms. It lasts for about thirty minutes and once I pass it the experience is amazing. That's not hyperbole.

Concurrently during my two-week introspection, I set an intention concerning my mind. I wanted to delve deeper into its nature. It was a constructive exercise where I noticed the mind was like quicksilver. It easily morphed between my distinct psychic selves as well as my heart. I've described these parts of me as first the me that has come forth (Apollo), my shadow (Dionysos), and my heart whom I refer to as the Great Goddess. The mind is the key which unlocks these aspects of me. It freely moves between these aspects of self. I also became aware of mind control where you give up your mind's power to an external puppet master who then controls how you think. You see this everywhere and if your mind is captured you can't escape. The news, social media, and other puppets are constantly regurgitating the triggers for your mind control and when captured you dutifully parrot what it is they want you to believe. So, a step on the road to awakening is to first reclaim your mind from these charlatans. I also observed my mind being captured by baseball. I escaped the hold of life temporarily by going off into the fantasy world of baseball statistics. I put everything on pause and focused attention on the trivial. Anyway, reclaiming your mind from external control is not going to solve all your problems as an undisciplined mind is still going to cause havoc within your personal psychic sphere. My observation of what is going on with my mind was productive and from this I know I can direct my mind towards how I want to be. I have had plant medicine lessons concerning this with Huachuma where the repetitive lessons made me realize it is I who takes myself to heaven and drops myself in hell.

Following my mushroom trip, I remembered a lecture by Ram Dass where he was discussing the relationship of Hanuman to Ram. His guru Maharaji-ji gave him the moniker Ram Dass as a gift to remind him that he is an incarnation of Hanuman the monkey god who serves God - Ram. Ram Dass tells this story from the Hindu epic called the Ramayana:

When Ram asked Hanuman, "Who are you, monkey?" Hanuman replied, "When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you."

The exchange I had with my shadow was along these lines. The trip started out visionary and lasted for about an hour, coinciding with the music I was listening to. I have noticed in my exploration this is the pattern with visionary medicine where I will get the introductory visions followed by introspection that occurs in the form of dialog. My recent experience with Ayahuasca is similar. Anecdotally, I would surmise it is the onset of the DMT contained within the Ayahuasca brew and the psilocybin in the mushroom which initially takes hold. Following the visions is the tough part where I become distinct compartmentalized bastions of self and then can dialogue with self. I choose the me that has come forth and externalize the Goddess and the shadow. In the case of Huachuma, on my last trip I went further and externalized my multiple traits within all the members of the travelling party I was with. It was interesting to see the amalgamation of the sum of who I am present within others. The experience with Ayahuasca and Magic Mushrooms seems more psychically contained. The difference to me is the mystical nature of each. Ayahuasca has more of a mystical feminine vibe to the ceremony. Mushrooms are no nonsense. I would describe them as more masculine though I know the Goddess can make an appearance and she has done so just to remind me to not put experiences in a box.

Following the visionary aspect was the ego dissolution or more accurately a short circuiting of my mind. I was then in my shadow's presence, and his initial greeting was an observation of the trip to get here this time. "You're not scared anymore." He acknowledged that the usual fright I give myself getting to this place and then being in his presence was absent. It is true psychedelics don't scare me anymore. Of course, there is a little apprehension upon the decision to use them but once in it I'm good. I have come a long way in my ten years. I knew when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I could handle whatever was thrown my way. I see clearly now my shadow is that jaguar and was recognizing at the time as I merged with him that I could succeed on this path of knowledge.

The last time in his presence on Magic Mushrooms involved me psychoanalyzing him for a long time. I kept wanting to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. I listened, held space, and consoled him. He is power personified and a raging unquenchable storm, continually creating and destroying as an outlet for the surging energy within. On the other hand, I could easily retire to the forest and live a nice peaceful and quiet existence. I was prepared this time to offer myself once again as a good listener and offer solutions to his problems. The opposite happened. I came here this time because I'm the one with the problems and so he put on the lab coat of the psychotherapist and got down to business.

"Who am I? Why am I like this?" My shadow kept reducing me down to my base program and then I saw myself as this wiggly energetic worm. Kind of disgusting but the template for all of us humans. Since I'm no longer scared of him there is this bond between us, and he feels like he can share with me all the secrets that no one is ready to accept or even want to contemplate. He is the divine masculine, God if you will. He said that I am him. We are the same. I saw it and completely understood. Little old me. I'm one of his countless avatars in the universe. I woke up in this lifetime and found my way back through the unnavigable labyrinth. I know the game. When we die, we become him (or her) fully and completely. That's all. We are everything. Each avatar has characteristics of the father or mother while adding in free will. Nobody has gotten as far as I have in seeing all this. Some have reached this stage and seen it but will not accept it for several reasons. Culture and denial being at the forefront. Can't blame them, why would you want to? It's a big responsibility, and the grandiosity of self and narcissism needed is off the charts! The ones that see it and accept it, can't handle it, and end up in the psych ward. Then there's me.

A couple of hours into this trip and I went for the I'm God routine because I fully felt it. I know that feeling because I also noticed later when it wore off as the night progressed, I returned to little old me. I'd accept that the use of these consciousness altering substances fully releases my psychosis which allows me to not only think I'm God but to feel it. It's crazy and it keeps happening. When I come down from being the most high, I can readjust and know I'm okay, that I haven't gone mad. I've worried about this but during this experience I was witness to becoming God and then feeling it wear off to the point where I was like well that was cool but I'm me again.

The thing about the mushroom trip is that by cracking open my inner self and splitting out my shadow I can converse with him, and he is the all. I saw it completely. I saw how I'm him, but I'm not supposed to know I'm him. That's why at first, he kept chasing me away and threatening me with annihilation, but I kept coming back and exploring. I got past the fear, he let me in, and now lets me have a look around. My brilliant mind in this fucked up container called Paul can probe him like no other. So, this trip he showed me it all. I'm God with an expiration date. Wow.

I also realized my shadow marvels at how I was able to access the Great Goddess. Nobody gets in to see her and yet I did it. They are amid the great cosmic divorce, a separation that creates the universe and will make the reconciliation the blissful renewal this divorce promises. But here was I, a lowly avatar of the man she loves, searching for her in earnest of my own accord and then following the clues towards finding her. When she saw into my soul and intentions, she let me into her chamber. She made love to me like no other as she knew I was him, playing the fool honestly.

And that's the thing about my incessant search for meaning - I don't have to search anymore. I know all the answers I obsessively wanted to get. I don't have to sit for hours alone contemplating what this is all about. I know what it is all about. I'm free to play.

The duration of this trip was from 1am to 6am before sleep. Time moves slowly under this intoxication. The knowledge poured out is unbelievable for this brief period. It is a lifetime in a night - a wordplay on my friend Parker describing the Huachuma experience as, "A lifetime in a day." I sensed coming back to Paulville and no more grandiose thinking. Me and my problems. Understanding why I sabotage relationships. Clearly seeing the subtle clues freely given by others that my actions were upsetting. Pushing people away. Try to stop it. Showing me how impressionable children are. Replaying events from my youth that molded me. Things I would laugh at now which as a young boy scarred me and made me withdraw from the world. I just wanted to be alone and not have to endure the unpredictability of those that held power over me.

These mushroom trips are the 10 years of therapy in a night deal. They show you the answers you are looking for. As with all this inner work, it's up to you to integrate it into your life. You make the changes. Some of it is hard and some easy but you know what you need to do. You are shown the influences that made you who you are. You can say poor me, it's their fault I'm like this or you play the hand you're dealt. Thank all for who you are. I wanted to find answers in this lifetime. I did it because of everything that has happened for me. I climbed an unclimbable mountain back to self. The Mount Everest of the psyche. Do I know it all? No, but I've seen what I wanted to see. What do I have left to do in this lifetime? I know it is all about love. My actions must show I've learned that lesson. I need to dedicate my life to being in service to love. Be kind to others. Say pleasant things to them. A word of encouragement goes a long way. I've seen it at work.

When in the presence of my shadow I asked what his role is. He said he does service work. He grants favours to those that ask, and he creates events which fulfill the mission statement of self-discovery. Suffering is a big part of it and the catalyst for change as well as seeing what you're made of when faced with adversity. He is in service to himself. When you're the all is there another path that doesn't involve you since you are everything? All this is service to Her. The Great Goddess, who is love. In service to letting this drama play out so we can continue to discover through this grand play who we are and our strengths and weaknesses. When we are finished, we will once again come together and end it. A bond further strengthened through self-discovery. It's all us. Ultimately, I show I'm ready and she accepts me back.

My shadow as the great magician tells me this: I grant them favours in service, so they don't wake up and see they are me. I present as an external force ready to fulfill their desires with the cost being to trap them in this world of form. It's what they want. They need to head on straight into their greed, take their fill of pleasure, but suffer at the emptiness of it all. The outcome of the granting of wishes is service to the heart. The Great Goddess is imprisoned in that familiar castle made of gold and repeated forays into the selfish fulfillment of your desires must eventually get through so that you see it. Love is the answer, and this is my path of service.

My path of service is the path of the heart. The take and give of reciprocity is a universal axiom, even between the divine and human. God and his underling. I asked for something and in return he asked me to do something. Walk the path of the heart for your mother. Service, regardless of whether I am the all or just little old me.

The next morning, I fully understood. When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you.