the tao of suicide

If you could go into the darkness, the best way to enter is by being naive.
You tell everyone you're going into the darkness.
They question whether you really want to go into the darkness.
They say, oh that's not dark.
You keep going and hit the darkest bottom.
Now, you can tell people about it.
How you faced that question, and you kept going.
Warrior.
You can't go full on into the darkness without facing that question.
That's why people will avoid the darkness.
It will lead you to that question.
It will come after you physically and mentally.
You must be strong.
If you can laugh at that question, then you've got this.
It came at you in depression.
It came at you in a twist.
It was trying to make suicide a logical action.
You got past it by remembering Tao.
You told people you were going into the dark.
You were just too ignorant to realize what you were doing and then you just went into it.
I did set an intention to go into the dark.
I didn't know what I'd find.
I have enough fetishes that don't make sense that when I saw other dark ideas that don't make sense, I was able to examine them.
I did the same thing with magic.
I told people I was going to find magic.
I was too stupid to realize what it was and where to find it.
I just blindly wandered around trying to figure it out.
Eventually, I stumbled on it.
What is magic?
The easy explanation is that in the conscious world it's a set of actions used to produce a desired result.
This could be a ritual, craft, or it could be mental actions.
If you're patient, kind, and understanding, you're performing magic.
Those traits will get you what you want.
You must let them go to work.
It's slow-acting whereas fear is fast-acting magic.
There are the actions I do subconsciously that I don't know about which get me what I want.
I'm starting to understand them more.
Yes, so those stupid rituals you do are in response to knowing there's magic in you.
You don't see that magic in you, but you know it exists, and you use rituals to tease it out in order to give you understanding.
Those synchronicities and coincidences?
The "I don't know how the fuck that happened" events.
Exactly, and they always do.
The story also goes in the direction you want it to go.
So be honest about what you want, and you might see where the stories are heading.
When you interfere with the story, you'll change it.
You must let the story unfold.
That's hard to do.
That's why you need patience.
Patience is magic and that magic will enable the other magic.
Patience, kindness, understanding, and spirituality.
You cashed them in for pleasure.
I got my reward by putting it into balance.
You got your outcome.
I didn't force it until the odds were in my favour.
Then I cashed in until the money ran out.
I had no more currency left so I had to leave.

Are you going to play the same game again?
The world is like one big casino.
Casinos are about making choices and gambling.
That's what you're doing.
Casinos are stacked against you.
Life is stacked against you.
It sure seems that way.
Casinos would teach you the odds are not in your favour, so eventually you're going to lose it all, so you don't play their games.
If life wasn't worth playing you would have stopped playing.
It would have been like a casino.
What are my odds?
You're a fuck up.
You woke up.
You know about magic.
The odds are good right now.
Would you want to quit this game?
No, I now have the advantage.
Are you going to take advantage of that advantage?
No, I'll let it play out because I know that I'll win.
Most people play "The Game of Life" at a disadvantage.
You're going to lose.
A small minority are big winners.
The majority of people try to figure out the middle.
Then there's just the losers.
You must wake up in the system now.
The cards are in your favour, you'll see.
You know chess teaches you that you'll find the answer before you capitulate.
Checkmate will inform you there's no way out.
Then the game ends before you do something stupid.
That's pretty clever.
A stalemate is like dying of old age where you don't find the answer, but you won't put yourself in danger to find the answer.
Checkmate is you found the answer.
There's no way out of your predicament.
What's my predicament?
I think it's the question of are you going to die?
It seems obvious.
I don't know why that's the big question to which you're looking for an answer.
You've already been shown the answer, do both.
There's no way out.
You found the answer and it's to do both.
That is correct.
You will die, you'll lose your body, and carry on in spirit.
That's the answer.
There's no way out.
Checkmate.
That's what chess is teaching you.
Seems strange.
What if you're the winner in a chess game?
What is that teaching you?
It teaches you that you've played the game a lot and you know how to win.
You go around telling other people the meaning of life and putting them into check.
I imagine it has something to do with going to God, getting there, and realizing the meaning of life, and then telling everyone about it.
I can't keep my big mouth shut about stuff if I want to win at chess.
Am I like an evangelist preacher?
No, you can just tell people.
Tell them about the meaning of life and nonsense.
There's no way out, chess, casinos, and porn plus the guy in the corner playing dominoes.
I'm not sure it's a guy.
Whatever.
Nobody will believe me.
Eventually, they'll see it.
Then you win that game too.
Be true to yourself and what everything means.
The more you stick with the topic, the more you learn.
Yes, so if you aren't afraid to go into the dark and deal with death and suicide then you can keep going.
Then it freaks you out and you decide to keep going.
You get past it and then you learn more about it.

Your magic is powerful at night.
You don't know about it.
They all know about it.
I do the ritual thing.
They think you know about it and what you're doing.
You transform and you head off.
People aren't sure about it.
They're trying to figure out if it's you doing it.
When they're with you, they can't see him.
They keep noticing him and realize it's you.
They tell you to leave or they leave.
It's the magic you don't know about that's shaping your story.
The flow is that magic from a place you don't know about that is working to manifest your story.
They work under the cover of darkness to get you what you want.
So, to get what you want is to use that magic darkness.
You could make an argument that the flow is a tool of the Devil.
The Devil is teaching that in order to fulfill your desires, do nothing, and he'll take care of it.
That's pretty clever.
A day of cloven hooves and sudden wind.
You should fear this.
You can see how in the game the way to get everything you want is to do nothing and put your trust in the Devil.
That would explain desire fulfillment.
You've written into this story that in order to win, you must trust the Devil.
Complete trust will get you exactly what you want.
I guess I should be careful with what I want since I know how the game works.
I know the best thing to do is to not tell the Devil what I want because if I tell him what I want then I make a choice.
Yeah, everything's just implied.
You use feelings to convey what you want but don't tell anyone.
Life is complicated and confusing if you want to win.
There's no way you get this far.
You can't get to a place where you win the game.
Trust the Devil to take you there.
What kind of weird game is that?
It's one I would write.
I know that.
Just to be different.
Yeah, different and clever.
You're past the first stage right here.
The stage of fear.
Now, it's just self-knowledge that I'm a twisted writer and this is something I would write.
For everybody else, it would scare the shit out of them.
Yes, God is one of a kind.

Today was fun.
I brought the darkness out and made it fun.
I didn't take it seriously.
This is what I wanted to work on today.

I still have a lot of work to do with this Mesa out in the woods.
I still get confused.
That's a good thing.
It will motivate you to keep learning.
If you stop learning, it's because you're disinterested, or you know everything.
The natural pull is towards laziness.
Tao is teaching mental and physical laziness.
Wu wei.
Imagine how that would conflict with everyone's teachings?
They all teach you to do something to go to God.
Tao teaches you to do nothing.
This is the Devil's religion.
You can title your book "The Devil's Religion" and then explain how Tao works.
Would that sell?
The provocativeness of it might get a few people to buy it.
I could write about the meaning of life and discovering all that and how it leads to nonsense and doing nothing.
You have all the information, so you do something and write a book.
You got me there.
I will take all the information and organize it.
I must because if I did not there's all these chaotic thoughts that are coming out of my head and I'm jotting them down as I go.
Eventually, I must compile and edit them.
I must bring them into reality.
Isn't that what they say about psychedelic trips where you bring the ineffable into the effable?
You eff them.
Parker had it right.
I brought the Goddess into this world and then I fucked her.
She was ineffable and I effed her.
Yes, you're a spiritual master.
Everyone can see it.
We all bow down to you even though you eventually fucked it all up.
I am a spiritual master who is a fuck up.
You are in balance.
Tao.
To be a spiritual master, you have to be a fuck up.
Of course you've found the Goddess, brought her into this world, fucked her, and then lost her.
There's a chapter right there.

There's no right or wrong answer, you just acknowledge.
Acknowledgment of the problem without picking a side.
I was taught that yesterday by a comedian.
They tried to trap him into picking a side and he wouldn't do it.
Are things complicated or easy?
If you use a timeline, it's easy to go back to a predetermined length and then assign blame.
It's dishonest because you must go all the way back to the beginning of time and blame the people at the start of the timeline.
They're the ones that started it and fucked it all up.
If you go past the start you get to the writer.
This is his story.
It's about stories within stories.
The original story doesn't mean anything.
How the fuck would any story after that mean anything?
Everything has no meaning.
To balance everything what I do is explain the meaning is no meaning.
The writer said that he gets the words for his story from the Goddess.
Even though he writes the story, it's her words.
The blame must go to her.
The word is Eros, she just has Eros in her possession.
I organize your lust, which you give me, into a story.
The first order of blame for this world is Eros.
The second order of blame is the Goddess and as the writer, I'm the least culpable person to blame.
I'm just pointing this out.
I know Eros is going to win but I just want this on the record.
I get the least amount of blame.
I get recognized as a saint because I get the least amount of blame.
Would you rather win the game by being the favourite of the audience or do you want to be recognized as a saint?
Wouldn't you want to be the Goddess?
She's balanced.
She took a little blame and a little credit.
What do you get credit for?
I wasn't the worst.
Eros was the most shameful.
That is true.
He wins but lust is the most shameful.
I'll be the biggest loser, but I won't feel any shame.
The Goddess will bear the brunt of everything and have a little shame in it, but also, she sees her creation come alive.
It's her creation, but it comes from Eros.
He comes from the writer when the writer makes an action.
The writer creates Eros out of nothing, gives Eros to the Goddess who then creates the potential for a story, and then the writer takes all those words and crafts it into a story.
The question is why does the writer create something out of nothing?
He didn't have to do anything.
If you did nothing that would be Tao.
The writer must magically start from nothing.

If you don't do anything you'll naturally get what you want.
You'll know what you want.
Isn't that why you come here to earth?
It's to live out your desires.
The best practice is to figure out a way that will lead you to realizing what your desires are.
That's what Tao is.
Following Tao will lead you to your desires.
Sounds simple enough.
You're going to do something.
Then you must juggle the rebound.
The juggling of the action reveals your character.
Not only am I revealing my desires, I'll also be revealing my true character if I'm a master player of Tao.
That is correct.
I'm going to do nothing.
Is that my true character?
Doing nothing means that you came here to figure out your desires.
That's what spiritually you want to do.
This makes sense, though I'm not sure it's going to make sense.

I'm recognizing that I should let my subconscious handle stuff.
They always do a good job.
The subconscious is the flow.
It takes you to where you want to go.
The trick is to figure out where you want to go and then not force it.
If you know where you want to go then you know the subconscious will lead you to that place.
How's that for magic?
You could get wealthy from this information.
I'd take King of the world for an answer, but let's just say wealthy.
You would make your desire to be wealthy and then leave it up to your subconscious to get you there.
You would be led on a path that will get you wealth.
It might be a path for you to do a lot of horrible things to get wealth, but you'll be led to it.
It's because you cede control of your path to get what you want so this wouldn't be a path that you would have mapped out.
Exactly.
You map out your path to your desires before you incarnate.
To change your path means giving your control back to the writer.
The writer will write you a new path.
You sell your soul to the writer.
The writer originally gives you free will.
By playing the part of getting to God you were given free will and you never made choices in your life that would affect free will.
Your life had a variety which you didn't know about.
You didn't plan for it and made choices that created variety.
You hadn't written those events into your story but because of choices those varieties will manifest.
The overall story would remain.
The key to your story is you didn't have any desire to figure out the story of your life until you reached middle age.
At middle age you decided you wanted to figure out the origins of beliefs and the meaning of life.
The natural flow of life is not to put much stock into it until you hit middle age.
You followed the flow to middle age which eventually led you to question existence.
The questioning of existence is part of the flow.
Then you went into the whole question of existence and that path took you exactly to where you are today.
Practicing following that path will get you to the end.
You'll figure out why you incarnated and will reveal your character.
I would guess that I incarnated in order to find the Goddess and I did find her.
Now, I'm trying to get back with her.
This seems to be part of my desire in knowing that I'll find her and lose her.
That was my life story, and it continues.
That's how I got to God.
I chased the Goddess.
Knowing who she was made me realize who I was.
That was my desire.
Was your desire to become God?
No, I already was God.
My desire was to realize it.
I fulfilled it by following Tao.
Tao is your guide through life.

The theme for today was to turn the darkness into love and play.
It's all play.
It's a good game.
You will get what you want if you do nothing.