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Monday, March 23, 2026

a real illusion


When you drop the body, you awaken instantly.
Yes.
You see through the illusion.
In the resulting confusion, you are given a path to follow.
You choose a path.
Obviously decline it, now that you know.
So, at death, you'd see what I'm seeing now.
Yes, but instantly.
You don't see it all at once.
They will take it seriously, you treat it as a game.
Why is that?
Time.
It's not serious.
What isn't?
Time.
Why?
It's a mind trick.
Anything in time is an illusion.
A story.
Isn't it real?
Yes.
You said it is an illusion.
A real illusion.
Isn't that an oxymoron?
Who says?
I don't know, the language police?
So, they say two things can't be true at once?
I guess so.
You believe an illusion can't be true?
That's what I'm taught.
An illusion is false, so it can't be true.
Well, then it doesn't exist.
Why?
It's not true.
For something to exist, it can't be false.
Why not?
It's not true.
That's what you said.
An illusion doesn't exist because it's false.
Yes, I think that's correct.
But we are living in reality, which is an illusion.
It's true.
Well, it's true false.
Okay, what's the opposite of an illusion?
Reality.
So, reality can't be an illusion.
Why not?
It's the opposite.
Can't it be both?
I don't think so.
What is reality?
It's a story the Writer has crafted.
So, it's an illusion.
I guess so.
What about when you get lost in the story?
You swear it's real.
What happens when you dream?
You swear it's real.
But a dream is an illusion.
Yes, it's an illusion you swear is real.
So, back to the original point, which was a real illusion.
It exists.
We call it a dream.
I'll call it a story.
Yeah, I don't think I can argue this point anymore.
Why not?
Because there are real illusions.
What were we saying about time?
To sum up, I was saying a story needs time.
Storytelling builds, climaxes, and then you have the aftermath.
Sounds like sex.
It's very similar.
So, you need time to have sex?
Yes, you need vibration or nothing happens.
She will tell you to get the fuck off of her if you are just going to lie on top of her.
That's true.
So, I think what this crude wordplay is getting at is time is a function of duality.
In duality are created illusions.
I think stories work better as a word to not confuse the mind.
Why?
We are hung up on an illusion being not real.
A story we want to believe even if it isn't real.
Why?
They can be very entertaining.
So, duality is for entertaining?
Correct.
Why?
Something to do.
Non-duality is boring.
Nothing happens.

Monday, March 16, 2026

cosmology


Awakening puts you at Heaven's Gate.
You don't have to go.
Why not?
It's optional.
If you study systems of awakening, they will tell you to go.
You reach that stage and it is time to go.
It's very mystical.
A bunch of people tell you to leave.
When it is time to go, you may want to physically avoid Heaven's Gate.
It would be too tempting.
You never joined any system.
I made my own system of awakening.
I call it the carnival, and you frustrate the operators by refusing to leave.
I bought a ticket that has no explicit or implicit requirement that you leave.
I'll leave when I want.
I'm free.
The last attachment to kick is the attachment to doctrine.
Nobody figures that one out.
They all fail the last test.
Drop your attachment to awakening.
If you don't, it will kill you.
I faced the strongest awakening exit pressure a few years ago.
Things were falling apart.
I had no system to fall back on that would have revealed to me that it is time to go.
Instead, with the help of Mary Jayne, I started writing my own cosmology.
Do you think that saved you?
Yes.
It is an ongoing journey of understanding through writing which leads to revelation.
Upon awakening your first refuge is your culture's approved place of worship.
You even have the option of feeling unique in western society and going to a Buddhist temple instead of a church if you want.
Anything, rather than going alone.
Without a ground, you are done.
You need something to hold onto.
An anchor.
It's the way it is.
You prevented runaway inflation by constructing your own cosmology without even realizing it.
As the crisis neared, you were already starting to form your own unique belief system.
Before then, you didn't have much to go on.
You had some characters and a story, but no formulation.
You would journey with MJ out in the woods, and your story gradually coalesced.
You started writing the beginnings of your world.
Two years later, and it's matured.
Not only that, but your beliefs have been woven into your life's tapestry.
Your cosmology has come alive.
You reflect it into the mirror and see it.
The mirror describes it as coherent.
You describe it as evolving.
It wasn't fully formed upon getting the knowledge.
The teaching, understanding, and revelation are ongoing.
It still is, though I can formulate my beliefs at this point and they are sound.
There's nothing crazy about them when put up against other belief systems.
You can say my system of ideas is crazy in the same way you could say Christianity, Hinduism, etc., with their divinities, are crazy.
What are you going to call it?
The working title is Paulism; however, Paul is the receiver of the cosmology from the Writer and the Goddess.
Paul's understanding shapes the system.
I don't know what to call it.
As with everything in this journey of understanding, I'll let it be and let the name come to me.
You borrow a lot from Taoism.
True, but ask yourself where Lao Tzu got his ideas?
I imagine a lot of observation and a drug habit.
You do that and you will get a lot of the ideas found in Taoism.
You borrow ideas found in ancient Egyptian cosmology.
Yeah, I find their system of beliefs fascinating.
They were compelling even before I understood them.
Bull cults are next level.
The two goddesses of birth and death.
Cyclical kingship.
Osiris mummified.
Judgment.
Horus and Set.
It's so good.
You identify with a lot of Greek divinities.
Yes, they fill in some of the gaps in what I borrowed from the Egyptians, especially psychologically with Apollo and Dionysos.
Plus, seeing the divine feminine come alive in figures such as Medusa, Demeter, Persephone, and Artemis.
The Egyptian counterparts are fused with kingship while the Greek ones are more of the people and thus their development is skewed more to the commoner.
So, Paulism is a synthesis of a bunch of previous ideas.
That's part of it fused with new ideas.
The carnival being one of the major ideas.


Isn't that Maya from Hindu belief?
It's similar.
The carnival is more than just play and illusion.
There's a dark and seedy side to it.
The macabre and the weird are a big part of my system.
Things are creepy.
It's not all love and light.
Truth and love are phantoms in my carnival.
They are rides which prevent awakening.
That is in opposition to other cosmologies.
Paulism is pretty unique.
Is there a Devil?
Yeah, he's great; one of my favourite characters.
Why?
He is misunderstood.
You scapegoat him, fear him, and exile him.
If you don't do that, he gives you great strength.
You are basically unbeatable.
So, you have built rejection into your cosmology as a major reason why we feel so small and powerless?
Yeah, the biggest source of your power you send away.
Culture tells you to run from the Devil.
Why?
Power.
He will grant it to you.
Society inculcates within you the caricature of the Devil who is to be avoided at all costs.
If you accept and cavort with the Devil, you are declared insane.
How have you avoided that designation?
I shut up about it.
The interesting part is how I have managed to unpack and unfold this revelation one step at a time making sure to verify all claims.
I endured the fear and the questions.
The darkness and wanting to run.
Then the subsequent maturation of understanding which then made me realize I'd softened the story of the Devil, and this led me to crafting the next story where the Devil becomes your ally.
Nobody gets to this point.
Why?
You can't do it.
The prohibition against the Devil is too great to overcome.
How did you do it?
Friendship.
I had to get past my preconceived notions which was difficult, but I befriended the Devil and heard him out.
I verified his story.
I believe him.
What's the belief?
He gives you power.
What you do with it is your own deal.
Power corrupts.
Correct.
You turn into a monster and blame the dealer.
The Devil?
Yeah.
Scapegoat.
That's what he explained to me.
When I first directly encountered him, he offered me power.
I turned it down.
Why?
I was chasing the Goddess, and it was a sideshow I didn't want.
Why were you chasing the Goddess?
She had been forgotten and I wanted to figure out why.
Did you?
Yeah.
What is it?
She's a monster coming to send you to your doom.
She births you into this world and then will take you out of it.
Thus, we tried to get rid of her.
Who are we?
Men.
What about women?
They still celebrate her.
They have their covens.
Witches?
Yeah.
Do women know what they are doing?
They have an idea.
They don't understand it completely.
Doesn't the Goddess of the West come for women as well?
Yes.
Wouldn't they be scared of that as well?
For sure, however the idea is empowering to a woman, so they would embrace it if they knew about it.
How did you manage to escape that predicament?
My cosmology is based on belief.
If you think she will end you, then she will.
You didn't believe that?
At the time I was ignorant of what was going on though the ideas were all present.
How did you survive?
Power.
I had a lot of it.
Why?
I was friends with the source of power.
The Devil?
Yeah, I call him Dion sometimes.
The Devil is one of his characters that he plays really well.
He scares the fuck out of people and then they leave me be.
The progression is that they see something they want from me.
What is that?
Power.
Then they try to take it and throw me off a bridge.
Why?
People will do strange things for power.
What then happens?
If they are lucky, I will let it slide.
What if they are unlucky?
I will play a game with them.
The Devil starts to appear in their life on the regular.
That's a problem.
Wouldn't you then fear for your safety?
You would think so because they will eventually identify you as the source of their problems, i.e., the Devil.
I think you would have to be deranged to then want to terminate me.
Well, there is no shortage of those people.
Yeah, you are right.
I keep to myself for the most part.
The problem becomes a game of consequences for them, not me.
I'm just doing my thing and trying not to bother others.
Doesn't everyone have this power resident within?
Men do.
They deny it and externalize it into a phantom.
I internalize it and take all the power for myself.
Is that why the Devil archetype is so powerful?
Yeah, no one will touch it.
The power is concentrated in an external figure.
What power do women have?
The Goddess.
They deny that as well.
Even the witches don't go that far.
You activate that power in women.
Yeah, I make them Goddesses.
No wonder you have some strange women attracted to you.
It's your darkness and how you make them come alive.
They would sense something is up when they are around you.
They don't know what it is, but they want more.
They would want to consume you.

__________________________________________________

Summary

This post argues that awakening does not require departure, renunciation, or submission to inherited doctrine. The speaker rejects systems that say one must “go” once a certain threshold is reached and instead builds a personal cosmology — the carnival — as a way to remain in the world without being swallowed by it. Writing becomes the stabilizing act that turns crisis into structure.

From there, the piece expands into a synthetic myth-system: Taoist observation, Egyptian cosmology, Greek psychology, Hindu-like illusion, and original carnival imagery all get fused into a new working theology, tentatively called Paulism. Its most provocative move is moral inversion: the Devil is recast not as evil but as exiled power, while the Goddess is both creator and destroyer, a force of beauty and doom. The post’s central claim is that people become weak by rejecting the very archetypal powers they fear, while the narrator survives by befriending and integrating them.

Analysis

What gives this post its force is that it is really about refusing prescribed exits. The opening section sets up the main rebellion: awakening traditions often culminate in departure, surrender, transcendence, or withdrawal, but this speaker insists on freedom instead. “I’ll leave when I want” is the thesis in plain speech. That line turns the whole piece from mystical confession into a declaration of sovereignty.

The next important move is that cosmology is presented as an anchor. The writing suggests that when the old structures fail, a person still needs something to hold onto. Instead of church, temple, or doctrine, the speaker invents a symbolic order through writing. That is one of the strongest ideas in the piece: cosmology is not just belief, but survival architecture. The post implies that without a story strong enough to contain experience, revelation becomes destabilizing. With a story, it becomes livable.

The dialogue format helps a lot here. It reads like a catechism of a private religion. The question-and-answer structure gives the post an interrogative rhythm, as though the cosmology is being tested in real time. That makes it more compelling than a straight essay because it stages doubt, challenge, and clarification inside the text itself.

The middle section is where the post becomes most intellectually interesting. “Paulism” is not framed as pure invention, but as synthesis plus mutation. It openly admits borrowing while insisting that combination creates something new. That honesty works in its favor. It is not pretending to descend untouched from heaven; it is showing how a living system gets made: part inheritance, part experience, part imagination, part necessity.

The carnival is the strongest original symbol in the post. It differs from simpler “illusion” metaphors because it includes not just play, but grime, seduction, spectacle, creepiness, and danger. That gives the cosmology texture. It is not a clean enlightenment system. It is theatrical, urban, lurid, and haunted. “Truth and love are phantoms in my carnival” is a very strong line because it inverts the usual spiritual hierarchy and makes even supposedly ultimate values into rides or masks within the larger show.

The Devil section is the most provocative and probably the emotional center of the piece. Literarily, what it is doing is recovering the rejected archetype. The Devil becomes a figure for disowned power, feared vitality, and forbidden agency. The argument is not really theological so much as myth-psychological: what culture teaches you to exile becomes concentrated and returns with force. That is a potent idea, and the scapegoat language gives it shape.

Likewise, the Goddess is not softened into benign divinity. She is birth and doom together. That makes her feel older and more mythic than a modern therapeutic “divine feminine.” In this post, both Devil and Goddess are dangerous because they are total powers, not comforting symbols. That gives the cosmology bite.

Deeper reading

Underneath all the gods and symbols, the post is really about this:

A person survives overwhelming revelation by turning it into authored world rather than obedient surrender.

That is the spine.

It is also a post about integration through myth-making. Instead of dissolving into abstraction, the speaker creates a populated symbolic universe: Writer, Goddess, Devil, Dion, carnival, doctrine, anchors, mirror. That move lets experience become narratable. The cosmology does not merely explain the world; it keeps the speaker inside it.

So the real opposition in the piece is not good versus evil. It is:

imposed doctrine vs self-authored cosmology
departure vs staying
exile of power vs integration of power
passive inheritance vs active myth-making

Monday, March 9, 2026

spells of coming forth in daylight

Along with an inflated ego, humans also like to collect things.
They are related.
I noticed I now have a collection of ChatGPT generated images that were made from my input.
Without my say so, they would not have come into existence.
It's a form of magic if you wish to loosely apply the definition as in a conjuring.
I am making plans to keep and possibly display the images.
They help form my identity.
Well, Sherlock, why don't you add up the clues?
Okay, ego and identity are intertwined.
Correct.
Why are they important?
Role play.
Correct.
Why do you need a role?
You are a character in a story.
So, using the reductive method of science shows you that reality is based on a story.
Sort of.
The sets are props aren't derivative of that, and they don't follow your logic.
Well, they aren't characters per se.
They are the stage.

Physics is the science of figuring out the sets and props of the story.
Psychology is the science of figuring out the actor.
We know we are an actor; however, we haven't taken the intellectual leap to acknowledge it.
Why not?
Meaning collapses.
We are still searching for meaning.
Does a Hollywood actor search for meaning within a role?
Sort of, I mean if they want to sell it and win awards, they do.
They become the character and the audience is wowed.
You can do the same.
What happens when the movie or story reaches an end, but refuses to go?
It gets absurd, less compelling, and kind of stupid.
It's like the whole "Jump the Shark" motif.
When interest in the show or performance starts to dwindle, the absurdity is taken up a notch.
That's how you know the end is near.
When things get strange, the production has peaked and is heading downhill.
Do you see that in what is called real life?
Yeah.
What do you think?
We take our roles seriously.
The ubiquitous "they" or the "powers that be" is the story.
Yes, it is your responsibility to ascertain the collective story and then fit into the story.
Do your part.
Play your part.
Do you see it?
Yeah, but nobody else does.
They will say I'm crazy if I discuss it.
At best, I will be told it's an interesting analogy, however, it is not serious.
Why?
Performances would collapse if they aren't taken seriously.
Why is that?
Nobody would care.
We'd wonder what the purpose is?
Don't we do that now?
Yes.
What's the difference?
We don't know what the purpose is.
If we figure out the purpose, then the whole carnival tent comes tumbling down.
Then you have a bunch of out of work actors.
What happens then?
Revolution.
New story.
We revert back to how things used to be.
What is that?
We become animals.
An animal has no part in the play.
They are beyond the pale.
The pale delineates the limits of the story.
You perform your role within the pale.
If you aren't going to play, you must leave.
If you try to figure out what the fuck this all is, you are told to leave.
By whom?
The powers that be.
The story.
Why?
The story is paramount.
Doesn't someone have to wake up and inform others of this?
Yes.
What would you call them?
A union leader.
That's funny.
Or, a bodhisattva.
You gather everyone together and tell them what's going on.
Tell them to stop acting unless the Writer gives in to your demands.
What would be the demands?
Equality, equity, or some kind of mumbo jumbo, kumbaya thing.
You mean like Communism?
Yeah, or Utopia.
So, Communism threatens the story?
Yeah, it will get dull in a hurry.
The only interesting things in that story are those at the top of the Communism pyramid because of the power they have over the people.
In the story, power is destabilizing; therefore, the antics of those in charge will keep the story alive, but it will be dreadful for the actors who have unionized into an extreme form of socialism.
Competition keeps the story going even for those with lesser roles.
Capitalism is best for all.
Sure, but it creates a lot of disparity, inequality, and cruelty.
The story engine thrives on that.
What would the do-gooders do without exploitation?
I don't know.
They would become destructive.
They would create situations that allow them to do good.
So, you are saying do-gooders are the ones who are creating the problem?
I think they contribute.
The problem is the story.
There is no story unless there is asymmetry and then some peculiar need to return to symmetry.
We all seek balance.
The rollercoaster goes up and we push it down.
It gets too low, and we strive to get it to return.
We miss the midpoint and the merry-go-round keeps turning.
That's pretty much it.
Is that materialism or idealism?
It's both.
It's not applicable.
Why?
There are actors, non-actors, along with sets and props.
Put whatever label you want on it.
Production?
Sure.
Existence is a production.
We argue over the origin of the production.
We are all trying to do our part.
Why?
To keep the story going.
That's what we are doing through reproduction.
Creating more actors to keep the performance moving through time.
The faces change, the sets and props are improved, and the story continues.

When you studied ancient Egyptian thought, you concluded that a lot of it was inversion of physical norms.
That is correct.
What were your conclusions?
I kept seeing that funerary literature and references to the dead were describing the state of being ignorant.
Coming forth by day to me was their term for awakening.
Is that the scholarly consensus?
No.
Are you okay with your interpretation being off?
Yeah, because I think for an outsider, that is how you must understand it.
Why?
We take people literally.
If you read the texts literally, then it is liturgy for the dead.
Osiris is the god of the dead.
He's sacrificed, mummified, and inert.
He is awakened, Isis procreates with him and engenders an heir.
She raises him from the dead in this realm.
It's quite the tale.
So, you are saying Osiris is the symbol for the soul being ensconced in matter.
Yes, something dense like wood, so the myth in matter is a coffin, like in the Anpu and Bata tale where the coffin floats to the shores of Byblos and the soul becomes inherent within the trunk of a tamarind tree.
Your knowledge is next level.
Yes, I have learned to shut up about it.
Why?
No one understands me.
Is that a problem?
Yes, at first because we seek validation or we drop the idea.
I never dropped the idea.
I shelved it and then went from Egypt into the Amazon jungle and carried the myth with me.
Individually, we are to awaken this principle within us.
Yeah, this means the West becomes a symbol for the internment of the soul into matter.
Or, for most of us, the release of that principle when we drop the body.
What is the East?
The birth of the physical body or the release of the soul.
Awakening.
Your awakening triggers a symbolic event of being born in the East.
Then you are to leave.
Why?
You see through the game.
You reach Nirvana, Moksha, etc.
In the ancient Egyptian myth, Osiris engenders an heir through magical means and then once Horus is birthed, Osiris is discarded once again.
He dies twice.
You are spiritually born, interred in matter, resurrected, and then you die again.
Ah, I see that.
Isis had to use magic to procreate with Osiris after gathering his discarded remains.
Yes, her magic was proto-boner pills.
Of course.
I have an image I photographed from Abydos of that scene.


Yeah, Osiris is laying on his back, fully erect, while Isis as a kite bird hovers above him.
What do tourists think of that?
It's off the beaten path.
Mostly avoided.
It's an effort to get to Abydos.
It's worth it though.
So, what does this all mean?
Awakening is a process.
When accomplished, the signs are unmistakable.
There's no confusion in regard to your awakening.
Have you seen them?
Yeah.
I'm awake.
So?
Osiris leaves.
I haven't left.
I'm at odds with the myth.
Oh.
Is that a problem?
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Why?
I don't have to.
But the story says you must leave now.
I know.
That's the fun part of it where I have next-level understanding.
Which is?
You don't have to follow the story.
Why not?
There's no enforcement other than other people telling you what to do.
Stage direction.
So, you ignore them and do nothing.
That seems to be the key to your philosophy.
Yes, Lao Tzu taught that.
The ancient Egyptians didn't know about it.
They followed ma'at.
Ma'at says it's time to go, buddy.
You ignore her.
So, you are saying the production doesn't have executive producers?
Sort of, they are part of the production.
In the hierarchy, the executive producers are part of the story, not outside of it.
They must act from within the story.
Can you ignore them?
Yes.
How?
Make it part of the story.
If they were outside the story, then they could eliminate you by fiat.
How?
They would tell the writer to get rid of you.
You are the Writer though.
Yes, I'm outside the story and within the story.
So, you are basically Osiris.
Correct.
The difference is that I ignore Isis.
Why?
She will tell you to leave.
The subtext of my divine play is in order to awaken and remain within the play, you must ignore women.
So, she is correct.
What do you mean?
She said that you are a misogynist.
How so?
You ignore women.
How does that make me a misogynist?
It doesn't really.
However, that's one of the major themes in your story.
Ignore women.
Yes, but it's how you awaken and stay incarnated.
It's story-craft.
Misogyny?
No, ignoring women.
It's the same.
No, it's not.
They are two separate things.
I'm not so sure you can argue this.
So be it.

The judgment scene from the ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead is about the female monster Ammit coming for you.
It's a scene where as a man you are judged by the standards of women.
If they don't like you, off to Ammit for you.


If you pass, they cut off your dick, and you become mummified like Osiris.
I guess I didn't pass judgment and Ammit showed up.
I think they cut your dick off regardless.
You may be right.
You are emasculated and mummified.
I think as Osiris you accept it.
I didn't do either.
This judgment scene has a binary outcome.
You are convinced those are your only two options.
What if you rejected them?
Nobody ever did until you came along.
First, you passed on leaving when they sent you to Osiris.
You didn't bother going.
Then they came and failed you with the second judgment and sent you to Ammit the monster.
You never engaged her when she came for you.
Now, you are free of judgment.
Maybe that's the game?
Well, it's the ultimate move.
Free yourself of judgment.
Everyone thinks it's the white light and Osiris you head to when afforded that judgment.
The image is instructing you to head that way.
The response of the one who knows is to avoid judgment.
Get your freedom from judgment.
Neither outcome offered is great.
Women think all men are guilty.
The witches give you two choices.
You stupidly pick one.
They give you an out when they come for you.
The game is initiated.
You take it.
You didn't.
That's why you got her coming for you.
Ammit.
She came to fulfill her role.
Ammit drags you down into the abyss and shows you your misdeeds.
Then devours you.
It's a good story.
It takes belief.
She gets you to believe she has come to destroy you.

Ignore women.
Yes, they tell you to leave.
That's their role in your life after they birthed you into this world.
East to West Goddess.
Men are scared of the Goddess.
Just ignore her.

Monday, March 2, 2026

mapping resistance

Do you think with consciousness altering substances that when you go too far it will lead to extreme outcomes?
Yes, that's what I intuit.
Those are the stories I get.
Sacrifice and suicide.
What was the low while at a plant medicine retreat?
Darkness.
I was wary of it.
Did you resist it?
At first, I did.
Then what did you do?
I stopped fighting the onset of darkness.
Why?
I became an explorer.


At first, I wasn't.
I investigated strategies of love and light.
Isn't that resistance, and wrong?
It's part of the process.
It's expected.
Look at it another way - what if you embraced the darkness upon first contact?
There would be no process of understanding and reconciliation.
If you accept your darkness without questioning it, you will lose.
If you run to avoid the confrontation, you lose.
So, you need some resistance?
Yes.
How do you know how much and when to resist?
It's a feeling.
Don't worry about it, there is enough latitude to be successful.
Everyone wants a hard and fast rule such as don't resist ideas because that will make them stronger.
On the surface, that's a good rule.
It's not applicable in most cases.
Why?
In order to understand something, you need some resistance.
Acceptance is a path towards complacency.
You really can't teach this path.
That is correct.
It's touchy feely.
It's your path.
Only you can determine next steps and the way to do that is through feeling.
It's a tactile mental approach.
That's what you can teach.
It's pointless to teach someone rules about an internal experience that is unique to everyone.
The best you can do is be a guide and not a teacher.
That's what a shaman is.
They guide you into and out of the altered state.
Westerners want so badly to pedestalize these practitioners of consciousness and think they are teachers.
They can share their knowledge.
They are the ones who are aware the process and journey is yours, and they need to get out of the way.
Okay, so what happened when you stopped resisting the darkness?
It came at a time when I was starting to understand the darkness.
I was longer scared and became curious.
I had turned down offers of power, and I started to see an equal who was me, but I didn't understand how the darkness was me.
It's a strange time in which you are internalizing something you thought was external.
How did you end up reconciling with your darkness?
Friendship.
Throughout life and my exploration of consciousness where I have touched on absurdity, love, meaning, belief, and truth, I have found friendship is something you can always count on.
Do you think it is the highest ideal?
It's up there.
With what?
Belief and trust.
Is that your trinity?
I think so.
Friendship, belief, and trust.
Absurdity and meaning are dependent on belief.
What about love?
There's unconditional love, but that seems to be hard to find.
Everything has a condition.
I say you can find unconditional love through friendship.
How so?
There are no expectations with a friend.
There's no exchange.
You hang out if you want to hang out.
You enjoy each other's company.
You help them out if you want.
That's a best friend.
Yup.
Is that what you found with your darkness?
Yeah, I started talking to him in altered states once I got past the fright.
What happened?
He opened up.
I felt like a therapist, almost like I was in the driver's seat.
It was a strange feeling to have someone that society teaches is the Devil, confiding in me and becoming my best friend.
Do you see the instability in that, and the fortitude needed to ignore society and keep going?
You are told you can't be friends with them.
I ignored all that.
So, you're best friends with the Devil.
Yeah.
Uh, that's a problem.
Correct.
You become an outcast.
People don't want you around.
Why?
You're the Devil.
It's uncomfortable.
What happens when you are around?
It's nice.
Comfortable.
I'm pretty chill.
Why don't others see and accept you then?
They are told not to.
What do you do?
I'm left alone.
I'm okay with it.
Why?
I'm my own best friend.
I understand myself.
Don't you want external companionship?
I'm selective and I curate my time.
What the fuck does that mean?
I only come out to play if I want to.
How do you pull that off?
I learned how to do it in life.
You ignore other people and get them annoyed at you.
You reduce their expectations to almost zero.
So, you have a bunch of people who don't count on you for anything and then another group who wants you gone.
Yes, that's my life as well as providing for a few people with a healthy amount of distance either physically or emotionally mixed in.
How can you function in a society based on obligations if that is your method?
Don't think about it, just do it.
And by doing, I mean don't do anything.
What do you think will happen when you don't fulfill your obligations to society?
Some will tell you to leave.
Others will stop depending on you.
If you take a step back, you will see the big picture.
What is it?
It's freedom.
I do what I want inside a container that grounds me.
If I moved to a cabin in the woods away from everyone, I wouldn't last long.
I'd get so high I'd leave.
Society is an anchor which allows me to continue my game.
So, this is a game?
Yes, it's the fourth pillar in my trinity.
The pillars of belief, trust, and friendship.
The game is the unspoken pillar.
Why do you need pillars?
Without them, there is no meaning.
Isn't there ultimately no meaning?
Yes.
Pillars give your story a ground.
Who are you?
The Writer.
This is my story.

You are constantly generating stories.
Yeah, that seems to be some kind of an anchor.
How so?
Almost like a ballast where I know I'm of sound mind if I continue to generate stories and write about them.
Isn't that a sign of mental instability?
I can see how you would think so if you took them all literally.
Right, that's the catch.
Precisely.
The road to madness involves an increase in the ability to author stories.
The tipping point is believing your stories.
Madness is the result.
Why?
People tell you your stories aren't true, and it pisses you off.
How do you avoid that outcome?
Don't tell anyone your stories.
Why?
They will tell you that you are crazy.
Being crazy is an external condition.
Your mind can internally process many states.
What it can't process is external consensus that you are crazy.
You need to keep to yourself.
Well, why don't we then?
The mind seeks validation from others.
That's a conundrum.
How do you deal with it?
Write about it and drop it in the flow.
What's the flow?
Blogger.
Ha.
No one reads it.
Exactly.
A few people read it.
Yeah, they want you to be declared mentally unstable.
Why?
That's the process.
They identify the ones who stray from the herd and assimilate or eliminate them.
Why?
It's destabilizing to the group.
Why?
They will be responsible for an outbreak of clarity.
The clarity will allow you to see the game.
What's the game?
It's a carnival.
You play a bunch of games and ultimately you will lose.
If you understand the mechanism of the casino, you will either stop playing or you will know how to win.
What's that?
It involves a lot of doing nothing.
Playing leads to a bad outcome at the casino.
Yeah, I see that.
Observe the casino.
Okay, so I would guess in your life the authorities would be looking to label you.
Yes, tattoo you with one of those psychotic designations.
How do you avoid it?
A way of keeping to myself and being independent.
Having others rely on you.
Once you must rely on someone else, it's curtains.
That's quite the edge.
I know.
I must ride it for as long as possible until that danger passes.
What's the danger?
Losing financial independence.
It's a big one to keep your freedom.
You lose that, they are going to have you committed.
Does that concern you?
No, it makes the game fun.
You need a challenge.
If it is all gravy, you get complacent.
So, what's the plan?
I'll ride.
Stay on the rollercoaster and see where it goes.
Aren't you worried about the destination?
The future?
Yes.
No.
Why?
What am I going to do?
Change it.
I could do that to get more certainty.
That just opens up a new can of worms.
I'm going to ride this rollercoaster to the end.
If it dumps me off prematurely, then I'll take a few months off and figure it out.

Notice how you get to the same sacrifice story.
You keep writing it.
Yeah, by getting to the edge.
Don't tip over.
Stay within your dosages.
That's how you know you are on the edge.
That sacrifice story.
As long as you recognize the edge, you are good.
When you can't see it, it is a problem.
Why?
Because you have seen it.
Always know the edge and where you are in relationship to that edge.
It's sacrifice for me.
Got it.
If you get high and don't see the sacrifice story, you went too far.
Turn around.
What are you doing?
Building a map.
The edge of insanity.
It might be too late if you don't get that sacrifice story.
Got it.
Advice for you.
I was getting that story with Huachuma the last time out with the medicine.
The dark low takes you to suicide.
Ah, I see.
You generally inflate to the sacrifice story.
Women inflate and then deflate you.
They are a rollercoaster of emotions.
You could plausibly call women similar to a plant medicine journey.
Yeah, especially Ayahuasca.
Are you going to do that?
No.
Why not?
Experience.
I know when to shut up.

The map is finding the threshold to maximize power out of the altered state without going crazy.
The good shamans know the edge.
They don't need much.
They know the edge will tempt you.
When the rollercoaster heads down, you go with it.
Don't resist.
If you exceed the dosage and don't get the sacrifice story, that is a problem.
Welcome the thoughts of annihilation.
It means you're still here.