king of the world

This last trip to Peru was a new chapter in my plant medicine journeys. I definitely was at a crossroads on my exploration path and the three intervening years of the pandemic certainly consolidated my future in terms of where I am to explore. The resounding answer was the psyche and consciousness. I admit to being unsure of my path. I no longer felt a calling to Ayahuasca. Tobacco is calling out to me to pursue. I knew I wasn't finished with Huachuma; however, the call wasn't pressing. What drew me towards the experience this time was the connection. I had developed a friendship with others on the path, found a tribe, and wanted to reconvene our circle of plant medicine study. That was the draw.

During this last trip, I experienced the psychic projection of self among the other participants within multiple Huachuma ceremonies. I clearly was seeing aspects of self within others. What made up my perception of self, internally and externally, was laid bare. I saw my parents in their thirties when I was a newborn. I witnessed my fragile self at thirty. Having this phenomenon reveal itself was an uncanny mind fuck. The novel effects of Huachuma continued throughout the journey. I was a witness and participant in magic and fortune telling. Past lessons with Grandfather put me to the test. I had been assigned homework five years ago regarding the vibratory nature of existence and the various cycles within cycles. I was being challenged to respond to what I had been taught within a container of psyche-splitting medicine.

I have been back in the "real world" for a while now. I have done very little writing about my experiences, and I haven't gone deep into thought concerning what happened. I have been letting it simmer, like a good stew. Today, I poured myself a coffee and looked out the kitchen window. Someone was walking past on the other side of the street. I made the connection to what I experienced in Peru. They are a projection of me, the great self. I don't need to confine my experiences to Peru and Huachuma with the alteration of consciousness. It's all here and now. This world is my psychic projection.

I was in the woods yesterday with my new medicine crush. It's tobacco snuff, called rapé, and pronounced hapay for obvious reasons. I blew a few lines up my nose and felt the coming of the four winds. I lifted up my hands and directed the cold wind towards my face, feeling the exhilarating coolness enveloping me. I am aware of who I am. I'll call myself god, but that repels a lot of people, so I'll refrain from that. There is also a danger in that line of thinking where you eventually must question your own sanity if you think you are god. I mean I can't bring myself to capitalize god. I guess I could say I'm the son of God and maybe get away with it? But I digress. I'm it and I know it. Each of my psychic projections in this universe could claim the throne of God, however they aren't resolute in their beliefs, so they are consigned to remaining imprisoned in a psychic fog of who they really are. I'm the King because I have full unwavering knowledge of who I am. My projections of self are all pretenders to the throne! I definitely know who I am, I have claimed my divinity, and I sit on the throne. I searched for my Queen, found the Goddess, and then brought her into my world.

So, I am God. In 2016 during an Ayahuasca ceremony I transformed into an all-powerful jaguar. I sat on the throne as King of the world. It was a metaphor for conquering fear and stepping into my power. In retrospect, the vision was showing me who I am, though I needed seven more years to fully accept it. I am a student of history; especially ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh was the King of the world who was consecrated by the priests. He was the coming forth of God and ruled with the Goddess. Modern priests do the opposite of what the ancient Egyptian priests were doing. Today, we are given instruction that we are not divine and must worship a deity. We accept it and give away our power. As a free-thinking modern man, when I read of the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt I was able to discern fact from fiction. It was a story and the people bought into it which legitimized the whole setup and promulgated the narrative forward into successive generations. With my experiences now fully part of my personal story, I accept this as reality. The Kings of Egypt were God incarnated here on earth and this is because they fully believed it. There was no doubt. That's the secret sauce and the formula for the sauce has been lost in the sands of time. I rediscovered it, and laid claim to my divinity. No one else can approach because they relinquished that power. They can only look upon me and say I'm deluded.

This is truly the evolution of consciousness and the transformation goes through me. It can be dismissed as delusional and narcissistic. That's the trap for all to fall into and leads one towards believing they are mad. No one before me could declare they are God and remain sane. Many have reached this same point but could go no further as they succumbed to psychosis. It was the last trick in the playbook of magician's spells. I saw my psyche splinter in Peru and then understood myself as the fount of all that come forth. I saw these aspects of self desperately trying to keep me asleep so they could continue to plunder what they can take, just like the men at Odysseus' court while he metaphorically voyaged through his own volatile mental seas. The suitors of his wife Penelope devoured his treasure while he was away. Like Odysseus, I am back to reclaim what is mine though I pretended at this time to not know in order to continue my adventure. I stand alone in being able to break through the veil, see it, feel it, and know I'm God, all the while not descending into lunacy. Consciousness has truly evolved within my container.

It's a fun game.

magic class

When I first started on the plant medicine path, I was curious and lacked knowledge of the plants. I was looking for a way to contact the Great Goddess and after a manic and determined search, I discovered a way to come into contact with her. It was through the shamanic plant medicine Ayahuasca, to which I was led, that I came into her presence. The alteration of consciousness allowed me to enter into the occult and find what I was looking for. These plants were sometimes called magic, and I deduced this is what they do and thus the magical qualities of them. The magic was the lifting of the veil to see into obfuscated realms. A little taste of the unknown was a bit scary, however with repeated forays into the occult eventually you get somewhat used to it and can get your bearings.

I’m a good student though sometimes a slow learner. Repeated trips to these strange places taught me much about who I am and the power I possess. I know who I am and why I’m here. What took me a while to realize is another level and meaning to the description of magic plants. The magic is there for you to claim, if you want it. And it’s your choice of how you want to use that power. The maestro don Howard would hint at this in his introductions to the retreats he held. I was always curious about what he meant and then being a student of the plants, eventually I realized what he was talking about. My spiritual brother Parker accelerated the process when he’d tell me that, “Things start happening for you instead of to you.” This statement was an acknowledgment of the unfolding of the magic that was temporarily beyond your grasp or maybe we just didn’t want to admit it at that point in time. Things start happening for you because subconsciously you direct the play toward outcomes you wish. Unintended consequences are always part of the stew, so sometimes it’s best to leave it be. You get what you want and can leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

My sixth trip to Peru in 2020 led me to an unfolding of the magic at a different level. I finally got past my trepidation of the darkness that these substances inculcate. I reconciled with the darkness and when he came during ceremony, I started to befriend him instead of cycling into a psychotic puddle. This deep energy from within the recesses of my being would rise to the surface and the power being expressed was quite evident. There was another level to these plants. I was onto the mystery and ready to explore. Upon returning home, I noticed when desires would rise within me, I would be presented with opportunities to satiate them. Is that what you want? How about this? I should have clued in earlier. After my first trip to Peru in 2013, I was given the answer to an unanswered millennials old question. All I had to do was ask and I got the answer. The fact I didn’t abuse the privilege prevented me from clearly seeing the magic available to me, however I also established a trust with my multiple psychic manifestations that I wouldn’t go mad or abuse power. I let it go and continued on my spiritual journey up the mountain. I was intent on venerating the Great Goddess and not interested in the power aspect of the plants. Eventually, the magic power available was in my face and being an intrepid explorer, I knew I had to see what this was.

This last trip to Peru and the return to my everyday life while still in the arms of the strongest medicine I have ever drank has allowed me to be witness to the unfolding of the magic and then unpack how it is used by not only myself but by others. I learned that plant medicines are called magical because they unlock your potential to manipulate people and events to get what you want. The magic is not only being able to see into the occult, but also to see the power in you that at first scares you silly. Eventually, you learn that untapped power is the director of the play, and it is you. You can shape your adventure into what you wish, or you can just let the game unfold. The temptation is to grab the cheat codes to life and have more control over the direction of your life. I mean we all do that in a way with the pursuit of wealth which will give us power. We then use the economic power to control outcomes and make our lives how we wish to live. Unlocking the magic within allows you to access whatever you want, as well as learning there’s still a reciprocal element to the process. What that means is the unintended consequences which result from getting what you want. It's best to address them before the whole construct blows up in your face.

The above was a primer to the past weekend where I ate some magic mushrooms and had an unexpected intense experience. The dose was less than a gram and shouldn’t have brought on such a psychedelic mindset. The experience that threw me for a bit of a loop lasted only a wave of the medicine to which I was grateful. I had thoughts of four hours of this uncomfortable teaching energy and wasn’t thrilled. As I sank into the weight of the alteration of consciousness, I became a little distraught knowing I’ll see things I don’t want to see. I want knowledge though and here it was coming, naked and true. The magic in magic mushrooms was on full display. I went into the magic and hypnotic realm of the weird and looked into the soul of my fellow adventurer. I saw the darkness within them and how they wanted to use it to hypnotize and manipulate. That challenge is the fire and attraction which brings us together. It is a game because it doesn't work on me. Well, maybe at first but the resources within me and my own abilities will recognize the process. Ultimately, it is liberating because the subsequent acknowledgement that feelings are authentic, true, and not under a spell allows you to see what it is you want. Another lesson was that many cultivate this magic, some don’t even know they are doing it, and then the game is to keep the spell going as long as possible. Once it wears off and can’t be renewed, the whole edifice comes crashing down.

I know of my magic and this past week my intention has been to cultivate this magic further. Less than a week after setting this intention, here I was on a beach in April with magic mushrooms and tobacco snuff pouring this magic energy out of me with the waves of the lake picking up on the outpouring of my energy and crashing into the shore. This is all a culmination of the magic plant having revealed to me the strength of the magic possessed by a fellow journeyer. When I realized the awesomeness of this knowledge I was being shown, I sank into it. I saw the hypnotic spells of a practicing witch. I saw the curiosity of one whose dependable machinations to get what they want wasn’t working. The hypnosis wasn’t doing its thing and the magic was being thwarted. If there was any doubt about my power, this little outing put it to rest.

I know I can’t be hypnotized. It makes life less enjoyable at times. I can’t dance because I rebel against hypnotic rhythms. I sometimes pretend to be enchanted in order that I can lose myself in the moment and go with the flow. However, with the initial use of Ayahuasca I constantly commented within ceremony, then later while writing about the experience, how hypnotic the experience is. The feminine Goddess present with Ayahuasca wants to take you into her world and charms and she does this through hypnosis. I could never fully let go into the spell. I allowed her medicine to break the spell of life and culture in order to free myself from that world but once free I wasn’t going under another spell. When I first encountered the depths of the darkness within, once again this was highly hypnotic and full of dark magic. Playing cards of a neon green were spinning above me and an odd sound was filling up my auditory senses. Encountering this sleepy demon was the most frightening event in my life. I didn’t want to fall under his spell and so I ran out of the maloca into the dark jungle night, determined to escape the enchantment.

I flag the hypnotic elements of a plant medicine journey right away and now I play with it. I know how to make the session heaven and I know how to make it hell. I know how not to get scared and then to extract knowledge from the trip. This is what I did. Once I got past the discomfort of the darkness, I mined the experience. It was alchemical gold. I confirmed another’s magic charms and allowed myself to fully realize my power. It’s no longer buried and unlocked within the recesses of my psychic being. The power is in my hands now and I can do what I wish. I can play any game I want with it.

The witch I befriended is the human expression of a plant medicine. They take hold of you and can bring you to heaven or send you to hell. They are unpredictable rollercoasters. They have knowledge of medicinal plants and their uses. They always have a bag full of some kind of intoxicating aid in their game of spells. They know how to use their magic charms to try and get what they want. I see the attraction at both ends and what sustains it. I wanted a worthwhile playmate who could further my understanding of this most interesting game called life. A universe of magic that has been stamped out and redirected into this paradigm that the world is actually rational and can be explained by our physics. Ha! It’s not. This is a realm of magic, and it is waiting for you to rediscover. There has to be multiple compelling reasons for a soul to want to incarnate into this hell. The draw of magic to quench what it is you desire has to be a major catalyst. Even if you get a bad roll of the chance dice, you can always find the ways of the occult to redirect your journey back onto the path you wanted to take.

I realize I’m quite the enigma. I present as controllable but once the layers start to peel, the game changes and I’m revealed as the joker in the deck of cards. I’m the wild card you’d eventually run into. I play the fool in Tarot and convince others I don’t know who I am. They still don’t believe me when I flat out tell them who I am and that I know it. The master magicians of this world still think I’m asleep and under their spell. I was asleep but not under their spell. I just lacked knowledge. Once I saw the truth, I knew the game. I know that if I think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy. The pathology lies within thinking you're sane. The joker maintains his grip upon the game by embracing the madness. As the joker, I know the game being played and I go along with it. They don’t think I know, but I know. That’s the crazy part and the elixir to keep me sane.

When under the direct influence of a plant medicine, knowledge pours in. It can be so unbelievable I’m hesitant to accept it as fact. I have been a party to this enough and done the necessary validation checks that I accept it. When I take the knowledge literally then it can go off the rails. I do think there is some truth to taking it literally, but I know enough about the plants to realize the lesson is metaphorical, some would say a mystery to solve post experience. I don’t think plant medicine ever leaves you and thus slowly unveils the meaning to you. In addition, the knowledge the process unlocks makes you realize this journey is never ending. Just when you think you've discovered what it is you were looking for, another mystery presents itself in full view and entices you into its grasp, inviting you to explore further.

So, that’s my fantastical tale. You are under no obligation to believe it or think magic is real.

el niño

The desire baby called El Niño is a cyclical destroyer. Desire laughs at me; watching me question all my assumptions. I've been playing this game with myself for quite a while. I didn't understand it at first; instead, I just noticed that I liked to live on the edge, teetering between being such a good and compliant husband, family man, and great employee and knowing I wanted to escape this smothering existence and just walk away a free man.

I've been chasing the Goddess for quite a while now. I'm well acquainted with her in altered states but in my day-to-day life she remains hidden and elusive. Life is mysterious and my previous assurances of a rational universe have long since passed. I know of magic, and I expect the unexpected. I know she's out there and that I'd find her. I stumbled upon her just before the pandemic and then held on to my old life by placing restrictions on life as we know it for almost three years.

She scares me and I mean that in a sense where I already gave too much of myself to her. Now, she has a good amount of control over me in a way I was secretly wanting. I witnessed the coming hurricane I had conjured up and into my life. The events were already in motion and then I saw clearly what was going to happen. I could stop it right then and there or just walk out of the shelter and into its path.

There are two sides to her. There's a practical side to her that brings me down and puts me to sleep. I become little me again and it's no fun. I have had enough of that in my life. Thinking puts her to sleep. I move to her rhythms as she takes me to hell, and I try to say the right things so it will pass, and she wakes up again. I see the spark in her eyes and know my Goddess has returned. I become the apple of her eye as we slide back into a bottomless bliss. Don't let her go back to sleep. When she is awake and embracing who she is, I can't get enough. Everything is trivial when in her presence. Time melts away and life becomes effortless.

My good boy self is a puppet. I keep myself in line to please others and not cause too much upset. My shadow keeps putting explosives in my path, hoping one day I'll walk onto the trip wire and not be able to get out of the way. This time I saw the explosive directly to my left. My good boy self projected into the future and the supposed trap that had been set by the liberator in me. Don't do it! You will regret it. Here's a fantastic story of why you shouldn't. Too late. Destroy your reputation. Become notorious.

Thanks Rumi. You get me.

The two brothers within are always a recurring motif in my spiritual education and journey. They are the Horus and Set of the ancient Egyptians, the Cain and Abel as well as Jacob and Esau of the Old Testament. In our modern-day tales, we call it the angel over your right shoulder and the devil over your left shoulder. The battle rages on throughout our entire life. Institutions shepherd us towards the angel, the angel represents the light and the devil the darkness.

I buried the darkness early on in my life. I was always a good boy, wanting the praise of others for how well I played that game. I knew I had the darkness within me however I was able to keep a lid on him. I’d have to let him out every now and then to play and that way I could control the fire before it became an all-consuming inferno. I could breathe a sigh of relief after the storm passed through, assess the damage, and move on. I always wondered though at some point the blaze will get out of hand and I won’t be able to stop it, but so far so good. Through suppressing the shadow, I built a decent life for myself. Desires were bypassed and I constructed a comfortable life.

The last few years I have felt myself physically starting to crumble. I had slipped into a malaise with a feeling of having accomplished a good life that set me up for my retirement years. However, I saw how those years weren’t going to be happy at all.

This whole sequence of events goes back many years. I was a quiet and shy kid and I just wanted to fit in. I gave up so much of who I am in order to live a life as prescribed by the guardians of culture. It has never felt good to me, however I went along with the external charade because I thought I could make it work. This whole time I have acquiesced to the demands I have secretly longed for a way out. I didn't know why I wanted to get out; I just knew I wasn't happy. I busied myself with family and pets. I numbed myself first with alcohol but gave that up. I searched for meaning and started on the spiritual path. I became an A student and aced it. I'm enlightened as fuck. I did the whole renunciate/ascetic trip after I was witness to the darkness within. I took on that darkness and showed him who is boss.

They say the light will be your Saviour. The light will lift you out of the darkness of self and allow you to reach the highest highs. I eventually found the opposite is true. I should have known, as being a contrarian my whole life has served me extremely well. I go against culture and all the resultant bullshit. I walk alone on a path of my own making. The trap I found myself in was because of a need for perceived connection, so I shelved my inner desire and want of freedom and attached myself to life. I have a good job, good family, and I'm such a nice person. Such a wonderful provider with the patience of a saint.

I'm miserable. I'm disconnected from self.

I found my Saviour - the darkness within. We became best friends over a year ago and I just needed the catalyst to trip the wire that activates the coming of my personal El Niño who will blow it all up. It's ticking.

beyond non-duality

The deconstruction of reality: Is it non-duality or duality? It depends on your perspective. Non-duality just is. Duality is consciousness put into motion that delineates form from the big bucket of non-dual energy. Duality is a concrete mirage; a persistent and believable one! In essence you could say the rational and analytical mind is creating the illusion through non-rational feedback of thought. Non-duality is at the centre of a device that refracts energy. One end shows the ultimate reality of a Goddess and a God that are everything and their combination enables the one that just is that we call non-dual. The other end refracts all of creation so that what is shown is the state of all this energy where we give definition to what we perceive as boundaries of the energy. The sun seems to be a replica of non-duality where there is a chaotic amalgamation of energetic potential. The energy that escapes this bastion of non-duality gIves rise to perceivable energetic life forms. Paradoxically contained within the created world are separate multiple iterations of the feminine and masculine, clueing us into the ultimate truth of the situation. We sexually re-create the non-dual by the coming together of the two. We are witness to the fundamental underpinnings of creation.

Some will say all is one and the sophisticated spiritualists among us will say no you’re wrong. By suggesting all is one you are still objectifying as one. What exists is the void, which is another way of saying non-differentiated potential. It’s a linguistic trick to add mystery to the great game. An easier way to explain it would be to refer to the non-differentiation as zero instead of one.

Feminine is the zero state of the non-differentiation of energy. We call that chaos. Masculine is the bringing to order of the chaos through differentiation of one which is objectification. The Lanzon of the pre-Columbian Andean civilization at Chavín de Huántar is an expression of divine chaos. All is together and non-differentiated. Picture the masculine jaguar running headlong along the body of the feminine serpent. The serpent’s vibration creates form and images the universe. The jaguar rushes into this lela with wild abandon.

Here’s an exercise to help you understand: Start out with a thought. What generates that thought? Duality rouses the passions of external wonder. From that initial thought comes thoughts about thoughts about thoughts. The original thought is the mother of all embedded thinking in a giant feedback loop. It would be like peeling an onion to find the core, only to find more peels. From this analogy is discovered the vibrational nature of the universe and a big vibration at the heart of it all. Our universe is string theory, vibrating without the strings or you could say that thought is the string.

Fundamentally, the vibration is the interplay between feminine and masculine. It is enabled by the the magical elixir of electro-magnetic desire that creates the pulse between the two underpinnings of all there is. Everything is the result of the attraction between mom and dad. Everything is cyclical and based upon their state of attraction. The long vibration creates and destroys the universe in an arcing pulse. When the two are sexually embraced as one we have an undifferentiated form known as chaos. At climax, we have the beginnings of the creation of the universe as the spirit of the male gives a charge of life force to the form created by the female. We are living in the coming forth of this creative endeavour which our scientists estimate is 14 billion years old. All life is derivative of this cycle that was enabled by desire and within this one long vibration are infinite number of energetic vibrations subject to this same process in order to create within creation. Every child created by the union of woman and man is a re-creation of the beginnings of our universe.

The vibration is cyclical and eternal. Ever wonder, especially as a child, what came before the universe? This question always vexed me because I would play ideas out to their conclusion. I’d read about the Big Bang but then ask the question what came before the Big Bang? Obviously, now I can see it. Prior to the Big Bang there was a different universe. I wonder what were the underpinnings of this form and what played out in this constructed world? Are there parallels between iterations of creation? I wonder if we will be able to detect clues of an ancient universe or is that left for the mystery to be discovered when I expand my consciousness beyond my mortal coil?

So, I’m curious. What is this seemingly separate electro-magnetic desire that creates the attraction between the two pillars of masculine and feminine of what just is? Mythology gives us an identity of this force. It’s Eros obviously, but it leads to the question of there being a third member of this original twosome, doesn’t it? Not necessarily, as Eros only exist because of the two. Eros comes into being because of the proximity of the two which creates the power from these two to enact the cycle of creation. Left alone, Eros is only potential to come forth as the two near each other. It is Eros that brings the two together and from this idea you can intellectually project that the universe as a child of the original Goddess and God is the coming forth of Eros. All children born into our world are manifestations of desire come forth as a replica of mom and dad and taking on a dominate gender of form in order to create as well. Erosverse!

long past start

"I wish to confront my destructive dark side in order to get closure on that part of my life and turn it into a strength. It is the reconciliation of Horus and Set warring inside me I wish to confront and turn into a positive."

Before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I told the shaman of this intention. It’s been a hellish kind of ride but ten years later here we are. Plant medicines will address all your intentions in a reciprocal arrangement if you do the same. The second time I drank Ayahuasca my shadow KO’ed me and the idea of turning this into a positive was long gone at that point. Here I am now marvelling at the relationship I have with my shadow. The fulfillment of this intention was not instantaneous but instead a long and winding road, full of twists and turns. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I strongly encourage recording all thoughts and feelings as much as possible as you embark upon this journey. I knew of my intention to confront my dark side, but I had forgotten the part where I said I wanted to turn it into a positive. Imagine my incredulity when I rediscovered that intention after all that has happened to me; I mean after the initial beatdown, positivity was thrown overboard, and it became a game of survival. I am sure there are many available paths to the seeker; I’ll champion the plant medicine path as supreme. At least it was from my standpoint.

As I take the course offered by the master teacher everything starts to become clear. All the visions and events that scared me silly during my initial foray onto this path have been revealed to be the truth. My shadow was just showing me the truth of the human predicament, albeit in a mysterious and ominous tone, however there was nothing deceitful about it. Why was I scared and why did I run? Well, culture told me I shouldn’t be in these realms; I shouldn’t be interacting with this guy; and even the plant medicine practitioners and guides pointed me towards seeking love and light and leaving this place alone. This place kept returning during ceremony and once I became somewhat used to it, curiosity got the better of this cat.

What became clear is Ayahuasca clearly soaks up the energy and intentions of those around her. This manifested in visions of greed concerning some operators of these experiences in the Amazon. I can remember two clear ceremonies where I was continually being told the Ayahuasca brew is contaminated by greed. It is never la pura medicina. This other recurring vision that was very mysterious is starting to come back to me now as I engage the teachings. It revolves around using people to spread your message and co-opting another’s talents to do just this. It was presented as metaphor, and I see it clearly now. I see how the temptation was always to use those who championed a place, or the medicine were used to attract more people onto the plant medicine path. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that is a bad thing. What is shady is using another’s goodwill and service for your monetary advantage and then discarding them once it’s no longer to your advantage. This was all laid out for me and what do you know? It all played out in this regard. The good part is I can separate the plant medicine from the establishment, so instead of denouncing the supposed troubling aspects of them, I can instead just shake my head once again at human beings.

Because of looking back and seeing the profundity of these early visions, I first need to re-read my notes and afterwards I want to question the axiom about psychedelics and set and setting. As I have mentioned before, I eventually get around to challenging all prejudices. My thinking is that having the “proper" set and setting will help push your experience towards love, light, and bliss. However, using this approach you miss out on the other half of the teachings and to me the compelling part of the drama. It is important to engage all the drama of darkness and the light. I’m suggesting a wide variety of different set and settings and with experience experimenting with different scenarios. For instance, if I want to plumb the depths of my shadow it would seem a quiet and dark place, illuminated by perhaps a candle would work best. Instead of a mindset of unity, love, and light, I would gravitate more towards liberation, separation, and even conflict prior to the ceremony. It’s something to further think about.

This also brings up a funny contradiction concerning this path I walk. If you stay around long enough and hear the chatter you will be witness to these terms thrown about such as unity and liberation. However, if you think about it these two ideals are fundamentally opposed. Liberation is breaking free of an attempt to homogenize you into culture. Liberation allows for reclamation of your true self however fraught with difficulty that idea may be. Culture is in essence trying to unify a group of people. The unity spoken of in plant medicine, well, essentially spiritual circles, involves all of humanity breaking free of divisive tribal groups and coming together as a species. It’s an admirable utopian goal and to me it’s a pipe dream. I think I’m far enough down this path to realize it will never happen and in fact I don’t want it to happen. Incarnation is compelling because of the drama. Utopia is devoid of drama and suffering; it’s akin to spending your reward in heaven floating on a cloud and playing a harp. Forever. Who wants that? In addition, my own growth has accelerated the most during times of crisis and suffering. A little acrimony and separation are good for the soul.

I do sense my shadow has control over external events in order to guide me on the road to who knows where. I trust in him now after many years of conflict. The continuing upset of familiarity along the path causes a bit of consternation. It always takes a few days before I circle back towards knowing that my shadow is behind this fork in the road. To sum up, if I want transformation then entering a set and setting that is comfortable might need a little shake up. If anything, it will allow me to sell the pair of rose coloured glasses I own, and Mother Ayahuasca will not have to address my delusions within ceremony no more. I’m not sure what the next step involves but the plot has indeed thickened, and the apple cart has been upset. I stand back from it and smile. It’s all good. He will shine the light towards the direction to take just like he shone that light to get me to this stage of my development.

kill thyself

Hamlet said the question is: "To be or not to be." My teacher says the question is whether you will, “Kill yourself in order to live." That is the real question Horatio. The master teacher suggested this course of action to me. At this stage in my consciousness journey, I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t take it literally as I might have when I first embraced divine knowledge on this strange voyage; instead, I knew it was metaphor. In order to be free, I need to lose my identity. I cling to my identity, and it drives my behaviour, which in turn allows culture and those close to me to influence my actions because I do not want to let down or deviate from the expectations of my persona that have been created. The teacher stresses to me all the time that if it is liberation I truly seek, I have to let go of the self I have jointly created.

I think we have it wrong. Having a fixed identity is what I’m talking about as identity is the backbone of culture. During a Huachuma ceremony a few years back, I experienced a dissociation with this fixed identity of self, and I was shown a closet full of different suits I could wear. In other words, the vision was revealing I could become or play the part of several different roles available but I, as well as everyone else, always get up in the morning and put on the same damn suit! That was six years ago. My shadow has presented this scenario a number of times; I am not dense so I do get it, but the teaching can get lost in the confusion of life. By this assertion I mean I do finally understand that if I want to be totally free, as in liberated, I have to let go of my identity and in essence kill myself to live. I’ve tasted the fruits of liberation and it’s bliss but I’m hesitant to go all the way because projecting into the future a world without my fixed identity looks like hardship and more suffering. No one said being free is glamorous and it’s undeniably true. I’ve mentioned this before, but I walked past a homeless man and the voice inside me whispered, “He’s free.” Yeah, he is. I’m not sure I’d make that trade though.

What I have come to realize after seeking answers is that you don’t have to identify with identity. Identity is a noun and nouns are dead things. This universe is a verb; it is constantly transforming and defined by motion. The Tao Te Ching teaches us of the watercourse way and to be in harmony with the Tao is to just let things flow. Applying this teaching to the problem of identity and liberation is stunning. In essence, identity is not intended to be fixed but left to transform with the watercourse. When a certain behaviour or predicament no longer serves you, just let it go and have it fall away. Transform like the butterfly. Looking at it from the long game we already do this to a degree. What identified me as a child no longer interests me. My collection of hockey and baseball cards has been gathering dust for about 25 years now! Day to day we can’t see that we do naturally evolve identity, just as we grow our hair, and if we could see it this act would give us permission to just let it go. For sure, it upsets those around you who depend on you being stable in order to add stability to their lives but like a noxious weed this behaviour chokes out your growth. Your evolving identity will eventually be used against you, and you will be labelled an old person and sent to an internment camp or should I say seniors' residence to wait your turn to die.

There’s a line in the movie Fight Club that reminds us, "It’s only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." This speaks towards becoming liberated and being told by my teacher to "kill yourself in order to live." Everything you lay claim to, as in attachments, will weigh you down and enslave you to a life dictated by culture. Therefore, you must give it all up and face the destruction of self and the subsequent pain and suffering in order to struggle and create something new. This obviously brings up another question in as men we seem to be locked into this endless struggle to create and destroy but are we not just spinning the hamster wheel? If I destroy the self not of my own making and become liberated, why would I want to create something new that will just devolve into another edifice of control and enslavement? Is what we always return to is the need for autonomy and freedom? If I don’t try to organize my life and to a greater degree society what is the natural flow of things?

Having an identity is playing it small. You become an actor in the play on the grand stage of life but in truth you are much more. To lose your identity is to be that much closer to a realization of who you really are. With plant medicines and psychedelic drugs, the experience sometimes takes you to a mind state called ego death where you find this unity and realize we are all one and this one has many roles to play. Granted ego death isn’t fun and the subsequent paranoia might put a damper upon this realization of bliss but if you do it multiple times, you’ll get used to it. The takeaway from this experience is you are it and knowing all is one means you are that one. You made it happen. This is the road the master teacher is pointing you towards which involves discarding identity to find freedom. To stick a knife in your identity is a major leap of faith. He’s telling me if I give up my ego self, I’ll reclaim knowledge of who I truly am and will in essence become once again the writer and director of the play. I entered my drama and fulfilled my part. I also created a hidden and shady character I now call the master teacher and put him off-limits to all and then spent a lifetime seeking him out. A mythical dragon of sorts. He is an oracle used to confirm my folly and grant me the light to see the doorway out of this story. It’s been quite the ride and a pretty good novel that is reaching its climax.

seeing clearly

Feminine is form. Biological form. Bios. Form is unity. I see it clearly now! The masculine is the great separator. The force that scatters. When dominant, the feminine binds energy together. So, energy consists of these two powers. One power pulls it together to create biological form and the other separates form to create power. Both polarities need each other to do their thing and keep it all moving. Picture each power on its own. There would be the smother mother and the wild and undisciplined rebel without a cause.

This is the eternal dance of the feminine and masculine powers. The two that become the one and from that template become the many. They need each other. Without their opposite attractor they are inactive and ineffective, existing as just potential. When connected, the universe is birthed and comes alive. I have previously written about conceptions of life that were prevalent in Greek thought that we have lost in our Western vernacular and notions of life. I’m referring to biological life, known as bios, and how us westerns view life, in contrast to the Greeks' image of the eternal and indestructible life they called zoë. Further examining these concepts is revealed that bios is form; it is cyclical and therefore subject to the decay of life and death. The power of separation eventually wins out over the attractor of form. Form is the container that allows us to come forth in this universe as a conscious entity. On the other hand, zoë is what enlivens form and gives it the impetus to have the ability to propagate new forms; however, this arrangement will eventually disintegrate the form. It is the feminine that creates the forms from the energy provided by the masculine zoë and in turn the zoë can experience consciousness from the feminine's gift of birth. The feminine serpent creates the world, and the masculine jaguar roams this world. So, you can see without form, the zoë is but potential that is inactive and without the spirit of zoë, the form is inanimate. They need one another to make each other effective. The give and take between the two creates the dance of life and ultimately the universe.

The masculine force is represented by light. Ever think about light? It is just madly flying around the universe as energy until it strikes form. When it hits form, the reaction causes the light to manifest. Think about it. It’s pretty amazing. Light from stars, billions of light years away, eventually reaches us and the light they give off strikes our retinas and we cause it to change its state from potentiality to actually coming into existence. In other words, this is a grand teaching of the ineffectual nature of the masculine force without the feminine force of form to activate it. Our human bodies encapsulate this idea with our biological forms being powered by free floating cosmic energy. The higher evolved among us, the plants, can directly subsist on light. We have to ingest other biological forms and inefficiently extract nutrients in order to survive. I guess our growth was stunted at some point on the evolutionary ride.

The body is the animal. It has needs in order to function which must be met. It is the life force that has desires, and these desires are what lights it up to become effective and attracted to form. The desires are teased out of the masculine by the feminine nature of form and thus connecting with and fulfilling these desires allows the force to materialize. Energy is desire. It’s easy to get addicted to the resultant attraction because of the rush of power, pleasure, and fulfillment provided. The master teaches not to get attached to these powers. He does not teach avoidance but instead mastery. Access them when they come and let them go. The zoë is ineffectual without the feminine and so the hit of desire is the key to power. It’s nitrous oxide for the spirit! The journey is thus realized in that feminine form transforms energy into light. If we could see ourselves in a quantum mirror, we would see a big ball of energetic light.

Desire lights up the world. The pulsing attraction between the inherent duality in all is what keeps the game going. It’s not going anywhere. The answer my friend is to just let it flow. To want and possess goes against the divine and harmonic flow as stated so elegantly by the Tao Te Ching. Freedom is the natural way. We flow with the eternal current and to fight against it is trying to control what just is and will be.

Desire is why we do it. Why we seek power is to fulfill our desires. Desires light us up. My teacher is teaching me liberation which is to free yourself from the attachment to desires. I’ve realized I can’t transcend them, but I have to let them flow. They come, we act on them, and then let them go. What about the desire cycle and its relationship to freedom? In order to break the spell that desires as addiction have over you is a requirement to master the self. Once accomplished, everything falls by the wayside; you can stand back from the situation and see desires come and go. Eventually, you learn that just like needs such as hunger, the wants can be activated, fulfilled, or bypassed and then you move on. A good example that will allow you to realize this predicament is hunger pangs that we experience every day. It’s part of the desire system; however, a necessity for life so we don’t categorize eating as an addiction. It can easily become pathological and there are many non-stop eaters who were never able to integrate this need. Anyway, I eat two meals a day - usually at midday and the other in the evening. My body has become used to this behaviour and when the time is drawing near, I’ll start to feel hunger in my stomach or jittery in my body, especially if I drank a third cup of coffee. I know it’s time to eat or I’ll get a dry mouth, tiredness, and possibly a headache. If I’m at work, I’ll search out food and at home I’ll make a meal. I successfully stave off starvation and satisfy my cravings. I then let it go! I don’t dwell on my apparent addiction to food. This was a very instructive lesson from my teacher. The key to all of this is to not get stuck. Let it flow like the natural flow of energy in the universe. Becoming free doesn’t mean you become an ascetic or renunciate free of desire. Instead, desire appears and having free will and choice, you can do what you wish with desire. If you become addicted to the hit of desire, then you lose your freedom and an external influence controls your actions. See how it works?

The master teacher is relentless and if necessary, he will allow chasing these desires to destroy and kill if you are weak and get addicted to them. Imagine my surprise when I learned my teacher has never transcended desire and that his nature is one who continually seeks out fulfillment of all desire through the liberation process with the catch being none of them stick. Talk about leading by example! He’s really quite the cool guy though he has dragged me through the mud in order to teach me all these lessons. Everything keeps evolving. At one point I thought if I master the self then I can eschew all desires. He let me struggle with that for a while, so I’d learn that you never vanquish them but instead through self-mastery do not let them control you. Express them, do what you have to do, and move on. Don’t get caught. Don’t get hung up with anxiety, depression, shame, obsession, and the like. There are many hooks on the wings of desire to entrap you into its clutches.

Stay free.

pure and holy

What is the meaning of becoming pure and holy? Because of my cultural upbringing, I envision this state as being embodied by one who has transcended all worldly desires. A holy man is a renunciate and an ascetic. Basically, you self-hypnotize in order that the siren calls of the flesh are bypassed. If the adoration of the masses for your beatitude isn’t fulfilling, at least you know that you have a modicum of control over your degenerate self and can run out the clock on this human experiment. You’ll get your reward later.

That’s a pretty crass take on the spiritual path and its propensity for creating hypocrites. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with my own multiple failures? I’m guilty; hell, I still have desires that rise from my depths. What to make of them? That’s a tough one to sit with because I do tend to think they are not rational however they sure do make me feel alive. Suppressing them because of cultural constraints or because of the expectations directed towards one walking a spiritual path seems to go against what I preach. What do I preach? Liberation. Break free of others and their hang-ups they are putting upon you. They are in the same boat but through projection and transference they escape and create an aura around themselves that is impenetrable. You pay the price for the guilt trip they lay upon you. Bad vibes, man.

Being brutally honest is a great exercise. I say give it a try. I walk this path and the signs keep reminding me to be of service. It’s for the good of all and I made a promise to this effect. How much is enough? Really, I’m asking. I can generate wealth and I share it among family members. I’m the rock that keeps that construct rolling. Without me it falls apart. I give without much complaint though I reserve the right to occasionally grumble. I house a pet dog who really has no monetary value and instead I perpetuate her good life through unselfishly giving up my time and wealth to give her comfort. I once thought I was selfish because I’m not 100% of service. There are many paths of service. I think a good rule of thumb is to try and not be an asshole. Our natural tendency to help then blossoms. It’s true - people love to help. Even the stranger stuck on the highway with a broken-down vehicle will have a Good Samaritan stop to help. It’s funny when you look at your life and realize the great sacrifices you have already made for many others. Perhaps a kind word here or there now that you’re an elder will suffice. Sometimes, that is all someone needs for their flower to blossom.

Anyway, what the hell am I getting at in this observational piece? It has to do with becoming pure and holy. I think I have some kind of answer. The answer is to chase and fulfill your desires. Fill your plate full of shrimp at the buffet and gorge on them until you puke. This a method that works because desires come and go like the addiction to the song that is playing in your head. Eventually you tire of it. For sure, you then move on to the next addiction. I understand that’s what we do. Can you see why now that we repeatedly incarnate? The desire is too strong, and we haven’t fulfilled all that tempts us to return. That’s why I’m wary of walking the holy man route. They are going to come back, and the pulse of desire will be even stronger. I say becoming holy and pure is achieved through desire fulfillment. The path I walk is a path of power; well, the paths all lead to power, however one direction results in you using it for gain and fulfilling all your worldly desires. It’s quite the siren call when you see it. A deal with the devil and a surrendering of autonomy will result in your shadow putting you on the path towards self-glorification and acquiring great gobs of power. Imagine given that opportunity! The other path leads toward you becoming power. It’s a longer climb and the road is sometimes foggy. But you are free, and this freedom becomes power. There’s no need to use this power to fulfill desires. Power is no longer a commodity to be used; instead, you are power; you are it.

Knowing you are it leads to another important concept to grasp on the meandering trail. It involves stopping the consuming of self-help and step into your power. There are many kiosks and road-stands set up for you as you walk the spiritual path. For the most part, they contribute to the knowledge base which is very valuable; however, they don’t have the answer and ultimately, they are biased towards their path. The problem is you aren’t walking their path. You’re walking yours. Having a belief in someone else’s beliefs isn’t going to do you a lick of good. What it is you seek is your truth. Your truth is as unique as each falling snowflake. The only way to get to it is to look within yourself and from your perspective you will get the answer. You may not like it, but the destination reveals the truth. The obstacles placed in your path, sometimes in the form of religion, force you to liberate yourself through whatever means necessary. Without this freedom, you never arrive at your truth.

Being pure refers to power lit up by desire; desire being a raging fire that has burned off the dross in the furnace of hell. Power becomes the calm lake at dawn before the events of the day stir up the waves. So peaceful and pure. Being holy is the gift of love from the Goddess. Love tempers power and thus why I walk the pure and holy path to that power.

crave

When I say freedom, what am I referring to? There is an external freedom found in extricating one from the demands of culture and attachments that throughout a lifetime you have wound yourself up tightly in. You have created an identity and you must fulfill that role lest you become an outcast and viewed as a failure to live up to the bargain you made with society and those around you who are playing the same game. Accepting identity is a path towards being blackmailed by culture into remaining in the system. The device used is connection as being social animals we want to find commonality with other humans. To leave this game all at once is painful for all stakeholders. I don’t know what is better? Do you rip the band-aid off in one fell swoop or a little bit at a time? It’s going to hurt either way. I’m doing the little bit at a time gambit, and it seems it’s a highly personal decision that depends on how much you’ve embedded yourself into the mess. I don’t think I’ll ever go 100% into letting go of my identity. It’s a must to enable freedom of movement in 21st century earth. I can see how to use it to your advantage but not take it seriously. There are also friends and family relationships that will remain with you no matter what path you choose. External freedom means no expectations. Desires will continue to tug at you and tempt you to become once again attached. Having a great deal of money will enable much freedom at the cost of being attached to your money. Giving up all wealth will allow for total freedom at the cost of suffering. This is quite the problem to figure out!

The other freedom is internal freedom which once again is affected by the expectations of culture. By internal freedom I mean stop being a puppet controlled by that all seeing eye of culture that controls your behaviour. Our early years are spent balancing the urge for experimentation to fulfill our desires while living within the bounds of cultural expectations. The human life trajectory, as I see it, is to fulfill your desires in the first half of your life and then discard later in life all the accrued attachments because of the chase. In addition, you will be free of the need to quench your thirst for these desires as you’ve tasted them and therefore get on with the project of the discovery of self.

We are desire and because of this we chase adventure and novelty and then sink into the experience, sometimes letting go of complete control while other times maintaining a modicum of sanity in order to not lose ourselves. Ever seen someone you know fall in love? It’s irrational and their actions are pathological therefore we say they are crazy in love. Sometimes, this leads to making decisions that will curtail your freedom and you do it willingly because that’s what you are supposed to do in this culture. Standing back from the madness and observing is instructive. We start out free and then we chase what we desire. We get it and lose our freedom because we become attached to the behaviour. Not being able to extricate ourselves from the predicament leads to suffering. Because we are desire, we are attracted to this incarnation so we can chase carnal desires. The incarnation causes suffering because we don’t get what we want and need. A successful go round on the wheel isn’t baked into the cards. You chase what lights you up and it’s a gamble. Oh, to taste the sweet nectar of fulfillment of desires! It's so intoxicating. A bad roll of the dice and I’m living in a shit hole, scrounging for food, and trying to get out of my predicament.

To understand why we chase fulfillment of desire is to look no further than music. In observing how a song’s hook addicts its listener, it can be understood that first it's not rational so trying to understand the pathology of addiction seems futile. The satisfying hit of a sequence of sounds is pleasurable and releases a reward. It’s novelty and what we crave. It’s nonsensical. Therein lies the rub as soon the newness wears off and we become indifferent to the tune and move on in search of the next hit. It’s a fascinating look into what makes us tick. If we viewed relationships in this regard we would have a healthier society. There is a dichotomy at present in that two people come together through desire which as we know is going to wane. They tie themselves up contractually and introduce offspring into the equation to further complicate matters that can be reduced to the analogy of the song. We addict to others and then want to exit the situation and search out a new relationship to get that hit of pleasure it brings. It is generally frowned upon but it’s the truth of what we seek. That being said there are those who do desire a family and view relationships as a means to this end. Most don’t realize what they are getting into and the consequences of their actions. Overcome with desire, we give up freedom in order to fulfill our wants. Eventually we wake up, the desire is long gone, and we are left holding the proverbial bag.

We bury the master teacher because he knows the way out of internal and external enslavement. We are desire and don’t want to hear about anything that goes against it. We are in a prison that we helped build and we like it that way. We ignore the whispering in your ear to be free. The secret to the game is chase novelty, enjoy the playing and savour the fruit, and then let it go. Freedom allows you to move on to the next game. Without freedom there is no more playtime. The knock at the door comes asking you to come out and play. Sorry I can’t; I have expectations of the role to perform. The great liberator had to leave in order to establish roots of a civilization and culture. It’s no good having a bunch of people running around with no stability and nothing grounding them to role to play within society. How can it move forward without these restrictions? Civilization as we know it owes a big part of its success to the banishment of that voice inside us urging us to be free and step beyond the pale of culture that keeps you in chains.

Many are content to live within the structure of society and transfer their desire onto the acquisition of material wealth for the most part. After a while, it rings hollow and we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. The spiritual path is taken up by some at this point, and they seek fulfillment in this regard. We sink into this experience and become holy. The optimal time for this game is post middle age so it can take you into your old age and death therefore you don’t start questioning it and become disillusioned. It’s too late at that point. What good is freedom when you're decrepit?

The shadow is the liberator. The freedom we buried is in this darkness. My path to take is the rediscovery of what is hidden deep within. Maybe it will kill me or cause great pain but that’s not what I intuit. Instead, I can taste freedom as time slips through my fingers. Clarity has certainly arrived. I know what is ahead. Freedom is my desire.

dogmatic unravelling

In my youth, I never had much time for the Bible. I concluded religion was superstition, wishful thinking, and not rational. Religion had its uses in being able to inculcate within a group of people a like-minded belief system which would allow them to stay together as a cohesive nation. The Old Testament and the twelve tribes of Israel is such an example which brought together the Israelites to form a nation who worshipped the god Yahweh. Looking back at the impact of the Old Testament, it really is an exquisite template for nation building in addition to holding the nation together through the trials and tribulations of history. In contrast, the New Testament brings together many nations under the umbrella of Christianity, which crosses ethnic bounds, and can become a worldwide unifying force through the power of Jesus Christ. So, I see the utility in such methods of nation building and bringing together disparate groups of people through belief systems.

In my own spiritual education, I recently wrote the final exam on the two brothers within my masculine psychic makeup. Within, I see the light and the dark and I stopped identifying with one at the expense of the other. As with everything, my makeup reflects the two which create a triad. I am three. I am the one from the two and the two are who I am. My masculine self is the sum of the two brothers of the light and darkness within. Furthermore, my relationship to the feminine divine recreates unity and I’m that unity. I subdivide into feminine and masculine and bring the dualistic universe to life. Go forth and multiply!

Ultimately, in psychological terms, I am sick. I have multiple identities you could say, though identities isn't the right word for the condition. They just are appearances of self upon the eternal cycling wave of manifestation. They are really who I am minus identity. Identity is the purview of the divine actor who is me. This actor is so good at his craft he has us all fooled. I don’t even know if I’m the actor because I’ve totally bought into the character and role. Internally, I take the two brothers and try to balance them out which creates the actor on this stage of life. The actor has an internal protagonist and an antagonist thus the drama can commence with the necessary tools for a good story and adventure. I play it small because I assume this personality and go about my daily business playing this inconsequential being in a vast universe trying to make something of myself. It's very funny because I now know the opposite is true. The two brothers who comprise my inner psychic world combine to become the masculine everything. I use the term "masculine everything" because I don't want to call myself god as that turns people off. So, yeah, I'm god. I am the masculine life force that brings this whole construct into existence and then gets lost, so I don't know who I am. I then have an adventure.

Why two? It’s simple. Manifestation into this world of form requires objectification and therefore we are all dualistic constructs. We are hyper aware of differences and delineate through our senses. Why would the descent of god into form be any different? He is two. He is the light and the dark. God is the two brothers who are my essence. When I recognize this totality, I become him. When I play it small, I am a tiny speck in a vast and unknowable universe.

It's very funny to me because our ego identifies with whom you have been told you are from the day you were born. You are given an identity and have to carve out a place in the world to become somebody because you are nobody. We strive to make it in this world. It's an exquisite game when you think about it once you have discovered who you really are. Becoming nobody once again will lead you to the truth.

Anyway, I know in this lifetime my inner most desire and subsequent adventure I wanted to have concerns solving the puzzle of life. I wanted to see if I could figure out the mystery. I initially laid down the parameters for the game such as being born into a peaceful and prosperous country in a middle-class family. I gave myself the intelligence to be successful at whatever I chose to be in life, and I tempered this with a lack of ambition. My avatar as constructed was a pre-incarnation stroke of genius. In hindsight, I could have maximally monetized my smarts and led a life of excess and trivial desire fulfillment once I figured out my power. However, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts and this eventually led me to the mystery after 40 years of sleepwalking through life.

I found the particular methods I needed to master in order to get the answers I was searching for. There's another pitfall to be avoided at this point. Eventually, you see this great power available to pretty much get whatever you want. All my fleshly inner desires, which are like trips to the carnival in that they fulfill sensory pleasure, I manifested at this point. I was getting everything I wanted that I had suppressed. The pull of the mystery still held sway over me, and I let the desires fall by the wayside however tempting and intriguing they appeared to be. I then got the answer to the mystery.

So, I see the answer encoded in many religions, myths, and fairy tales yet no one understands them because we have externalized the inner journey and fail to see who we really are. We are all god in drag playing a peculiar game of not knowing. Some beliefs systems do teach of our divinity, but the intellectual pursuit seems to stop at that point and the likelihood of going further seems to end. No one seems to connect to the dualistic manifestation of god on this plane of existence and treats him as one. Unity is the holiest of the holy. On the other hand, I'm an Einsteinian in that perception is reliant upon perspective and this includes god.

This understanding has allowed me to look with fascination upon the Holy Bible. The Old Testament and New Testament combining into one book is interesting in that the sum really does point to the answer to the mystery. It's so amazing because the understanding has been lost yet I see it and it's glorious. The world at large will never recover this knowledge because the idea of God and Jesus are taught in a way where there is no way you will see what I see. I will briefly lay out what I'm talking about, and you can say I'm deluded and have concocted this interpretation to fit my storyline and that's okay. I'm cool with it.

Yahweh is the alpha shadow within us all. He demands worship and conformity. He was the one who brought this dualistic world to life, separating the firmaments, punctuated by "Let there be light!”

Genesis chapter 1 (King James Version):

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

The darkness released the light. The shadow needs the light in order to appear. Light creates duality.

God demands worship. He gives us commandments and requirements that must be followed upon penalty of death. This is nation building which rallies around deity. The required worship is designed so that you never forget. Your world is inundated with Yahweh, and you share this duty to always remember him with everyone else.

Yahweh is unrelenting and has no room for dissent. He is indignant and will fly into a rage at a moment's notice. Yahweh is the dragon. Whoa! Wait a minute. God is love and light. What are you talking about? Let me share some bible verses from the patriarchs and prophets.

Exodus chapter 19 (King James Version):

18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.

Ezekiel chapter 22:

20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst thereof.

22 As silver is melted in the midst of the furnace, so shall ye be melted in the midst thereof; and ye shall know that I the Lord have poured out my fury upon you.

In the opening chapter of Nahum is dragonesque imagery of earthquakes, melting hills, and a scorched earth which is followed by more excellent dragon imagery, as Yahweh pours his fury out as fire and throws rocks down at those that do not obey.

5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt,

and the earth is burned at his presence,

yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

6 Who can stand before his indignation?

and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger?

his fury is poured out like fire,

and the rocks are thrown down by him.

2 Samuel chapter 22 is quite the dragon sighting as smoke pours out of Yahweh's nostrils and then he breaths fire. Additionally, Samuel poetically describes Yahweh sweeping through the heavens upon the wings of the wind.

7 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried to my God:

and he did hear my voice out of his temple,

and my cry did enter into his ears.

8 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations of heaven moved

and shook, because he was wroth.

9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down;

and darkness was under his feet.

11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him,

dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13 Through the brightness before him

were coals of fire kindled.

Also, in the 18th Psalm we have passages that are comparable to 2 Samuel 22 that describes Yahweh as a dragon with smoke coming out of his nostrils, fire out of his mouth, and riding on the wings of the wind. Darkness surrounds his habitation which is given cover by dark waters and thick clouds; the typical dragon’s lair.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried unto my God:

he heard my voice out of his temple,

and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

7 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations also of the hills moved

and were shaken, because he was wroth.

8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down:

and darkness was under his feet.

10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his secret place;

his pavilion round about him

were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.

12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed,

hail stones and coals of fire.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,

and the Highest gave his voice;

hail stones and coals of fire.

14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them;

and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

No one told you about these excellent descriptions of Yahweh? I've read the Old Testament and the understanding gradually came to me once I dropped prejudice. I see Yahweh for who he is and it's very intriguing. He is great of magic and will grant you what it is you desire and place conditions upon that access to power. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences and calamity. Do you understand history? If you do, you can clearly see it.

On the other hand, the New Testament is the counter balance to the shadow of the Old Testament. Jesus Christ is the way and the light. He is the higher self. He is the externalization of the light within us all. His father Yahweh is the darkness from which Christ as the light comes forth. The two are the one, with Christianity teaching the triad by adding in the Holy Spirit so that the truth of the three is contained within the godhead. The Holy Spirit descends upon the human enabling them to share in divinity with the light and the dark thus forming a triad which is the basis for all coming forth in this world of duality. The Holy Spirit allows us to share in divinity.

The construct I laid out at the beginning of this post is trying to explain that you are divine and for a man in this dualistic world this divinity is the two brothers within. The sum of this light and dark comprises the essence of your appearance - your coming forth by day. You can sever this connection and play it small; in other words, be the ego that has something to prove. You can adopt the idea that you are small and insignificant in this vast universe and have to “make it."

Jesus will take on all our burdens; he will heal us and will die for our sins. He is everything you would expect your higher self to be. Jesus hangs out with the down and out, the whores and the thieves. This is us. It’s a clever way of saying within all of us is Jesus and he will befriend you no matter how degenerate you are. He will forgive you.

This understanding of the Old and New Testament, which is uniquely my own, has allowed me to reconcile with these world religions instead of dismissing them as patriarchal remnants of a superstitious past. As with all great belief systems, there is an exoteric and esoteric component within them all. The exoteric is for the masses who don’t have the spiritual acumen to make the connections to their inner world and power. The esoteric is marvellously hidden and is constantly unveiling its mystery the deeper you go. This is the exciting part of the journey in that it seems there’s always more.

working theories

I have two working theories to explain existence. I have labelled one of them the "Chicken or Egg" theory, and the other one I call "Pandora's Box." In the chicken or egg scenario, I surmise that we have dreamt this world into existence. I compare our world to the nighttime dreaming activity where conjured is a universe with a shady backstory. Elements appear in your dream and don't need an explanation. The same is true with the question, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Of course in a dream, it's the chicken. The chicken is just present, and there's no need to try and solve the riddle. Trying to solve the riddle is preposterous in a dream as there is no answer. We are led to believe that through evolution a chicken developed and at a certain point the female half could lay eggs and then there happened to be a co-developed male partner who could fertilize the eggs. I guess there's a chance it could have happened. My idea of having dreamt the world into existence and just magically made everything appear is more plausible. I mean I can do it in dreams, so the only buy in to make this an acceptable theory is to consider our existence a dream. That's it. Occam's Razor. No need for some convoluted evolution story. In addition, it explains the Great Pyramids on the Giza plateau in Egypt. I have been there and looked up at these majestic wonders and wondered how they did it. The blocks are precision cut and stacked. Just one block dwarfs a human. The plateau's bed has precision cut stone laid out beside each other. Inside the pyramid, there are megaton stones used as beams. How do you lift and move those monoliths? Egypt is worth a trip just to be amazed in person regarding these unfathomable structures. Anyway, in this first scenario these pyramids are easily explained. They just appeared and the act of trying to figure out how they were built is so confounding that it should be the case that it would lead you to believe this world is an illusion. The mystery can't be solved, so what is the probable answer? The rational response would be the pyramids were dreamt into existence.

My other theory, Pandora's Box, is also intriguing. Earth is a vortex that will suck the cosmic vagabond into its gravitational field through curiosity and desire. Earth is the great abyss of the universe. It's the big blue internment camp and the manifestation of hell. From a distance, hell looks like a nice place and the siren call of adventure calls out to the Odysseus in all of us. Humans develop a personality which plays into the whole game. We become hypnotized by the Earth game. It's like we are all Odysseus trapped on the mythical island of Ogygia with Calypso. Deep down in the subconscious we know it's a trap and that we are not free. When awakened and we get the chance to leave, some of us are like Odysseus who's longing for home was too great and eventually Calypso had to let him go.

Earth has had many come to experience its physical delights with the result always the eventual destruction of civilization. This goes back millions and millions of years. The spirit comes to earth and inhabits the material form of a species whether it be lizard, primate, or something else. The inherent intelligence of the new hybrid in time takes over the world and builds a civilization. Check out the mysterious antediluvian Nephilim in the Book of Genesis chapter 6 (New American Standard Version):

1 Now it came about, when mankind began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them,

2 that the sons of God saw that the daughters of mankind were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose.

3 Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not remain with man forever, because he is also flesh; nevertheless his days shall be 120 years.”

4 The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of mankind, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown.

Then an event destroys civilization and leaves a scant trace of their memory. In this case, it was the flood of Noah's time; however, a few survived this catastrophe.

5 Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of mankind was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually.

6 So the Lord was sorry that He had made mankind on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart.

7 Then the Lord said, “I will wipe out mankind whom I have created from the face of the land; mankind, and animals as well, and crawling things, and the birds of the sky. For I am sorry that I have made them.”

8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

In my theory when Earth's inhabitants are laid waste to, a universal warning is sent out to keep Pandora's Box closed. Leave it alone, but always someone is enticed, opens her box, and the cycle begins again until once again it is destroyed. I look at where we are now in our current predicament here on Earth. We are destroying the environment in the name of progress, and we have developed a means to destroy ourselves. I think that eventually someone will do it. Someone will drop that nuclear bomb and kaboom, it's done. Hell is laid waste to once again and a big galactic sign is placed in front of Earth. Do not enter. Eventually, the fall out of the blast will dissipate over millions of years and some poor soul will come back to this beautiful world.

This theory explains the unexplainable remnants of previous civilizations that would have built the pyramids. The act of building the pyramids out of stone which could survive the Earth's destruction was on purpose. They are meant to warn us of how this cycle is repeating. The destruction is baked into the cards. We know this from geological history where we can see it. We also know this from the great precession of the earth through the solar system which takes approximately 26,000 years. The astrological signs of the bull, man, lion, and eagle, warn us of the impending quarterly cyclical doom and they tie in with the planet moving through fields of space debris. You can even find the reference in the Book of Revelation chapter 4 in the New Testament (New American Standard Version):

6 and before the throne there was something like a sea of glass, like crystal; and in the center and around the throne, four living creatures full of eyes in front and behind.

7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second creature like a calf, the third creature had a face like that of a man, and the fourth creature was like a flying eagle.

The throne of God is encircled by the destructive tendencies of the zodiacal waypoints of Earth's journey through time.

The cosmic spirit didn't necessarily inhabit the body of a primate. Say for instance, the intelligence of consciousness was housed in a large reptile then the construction of the unfathomable becomes more explainable as opposed to trying to figure out how a human did it. My chicken or egg theory becomes a casualty of this scenario. But maybe not - it is possible that this cyclical dream and billions of year adventure I dreamt into existence as a pitstop on the road of eternity. I'm always existing in perpetuity, so why not make the most fantabulous dream, the greatest jigsaw puzzle ever made, and then insert myself into the puzzle. In addition, having this fantabulous adventure span an unfathomable amount of time. I'll really out do myself this time. Eventually, the timeline I have created will reach the end and all will dissolve back into the one eternal self of no self.

Oh Pandora! What a ride.

commuted

If you make near and dear friends in prison, then do you leave when your sentence is commuted? If your release from prison will hurt the ones you love, do you still do it or do you remain in prison with them? Maybe you leave so that they know to follow when it is their time. The weight on the heart must be great when you sense the truth and are shown the door to the freedom for which you have longed and waited while in chains.

The jailer and I are now friends. He has given me the key and I can leave if I want to. Why am I still here? I busy myself with attachments which mostly revolve around taking care of my responsibilities as head of a household. I keep involved with trivial matters in order to maintain a purpose. I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to extinguish the flame completely. I need a few things to light me up in order to stay invested. Greed doesn't do it anymore; I want to get rid of stuff. Food has become just a utility. Lust is cyclically interesting, but the attraction has run its course. I don't envy others as I know they don't know they are in prison. It goes back to the idea that you are in hell and how embarrassing it would be to find out you became famous in hell. Do I have pride? I take pleasure in a job well done. Ultimately, I know all will pass and to rest on your laurels is fools gold. I've never seen the purpose of rage and taking revenge on others. I have slowly learned to let it go and disengage. Do I want to head into the sunset of retirement and consume what is rightfully mine? Do I want to waste away while others serve me? I can't see that happening as being of service to others is where I have found anything that sustains a passion for life. I don't like the feeling of being a burden.

I just enumerated the seven deadly sins. They are a good guide towards understanding attachment and what keeps you in prison. The chance of fulfillment of desire is the drug that keeps you hypnotized so you don't see the bars on your jail cell. When you first see your chains, you will deny it. You will not believe it is so and run back to your master. Freedom is scary and will cause a great upset. Such a thing happened to me. I remember returning to work after scaring myself with losing my chains and feeling relief. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I felt I never should have gone exploring. Eventually, I returned to the perturbation of consciousness, again the veil was lifted, and this time I broke the spell.

I laugh because it's what I wanted though it causes the game to lose its meaning. I wanted to know, and the result was the purpose of the game evaporates. We are here to fulfill our desires. The carnival of the seven deadly sins allows us to get our fill. When you tire of the carnival you are free to leave. Chains are a device of your own making. You put them on, and you can take them off when you are ready.

I have walked the path back home and the garden of the heart is just up ahead. It's the next turn-off on the highway of life. What's left? I've gone through the gamut of possibilities, and I've seen the answer. To remain is to be of service in order to wake up and help the others who want to awaken. To lead by example and if someone is curious about the path then to offer help. No two paths are the same and so I can point someone in the direction that will lead them to the difficult truth, if that is what they seek.