exploration of self, time, dragons, and attachment

The following is an incomplete post of thoughts on self, time, dragons, and attachment I will amend as I continue travelling on this most interesting path.

There is a synthesis of mind states which comprise what I think of as myself. The next task is an exercise of deconstruction of these mind states, sitting with each, and figuring out how each affect the overall constitution of my being. The shamanic Upper, Middle, and Lower worlds can be a good comparative guide in this deconstruction. Also each aspect of mind contains within a polarity which consists of a feminine and masculine pole as well as each gendered pole having contending halves that are in opposition to one another. In the Upper and Lower worlds the masculine polarity contains a dragon. You will find the lair of dragons down by the sea or they will be flying in the air hidden by cloud cover. Both manifestations of this power bedevil the Middle world and fittingly, with its mythical nature, the dragon remains a mystery to us earth dwellers.

Lower World	Middle World	Upper World
Soul	Ego	Spirit
Heart	Self	Higher Self
Love	Individual	Higher Consciousness
Feelings	Separation	Oneness
Fear	Judgment	Connection
Compassion	Comparison	Transcendence
Instincts	Conflict	Knowledge
Anxiety	Competition	Dreamer
Depression	Envy	Intelligence
Shadow	Criticism
Animal	Jealousy
Passions	Self Esteem
Intuition	Low Self Esteem
Courage	Identity	Satori
Strength	Transient	Reason
Wisdom	Needs Affirmation/Praise	Sky
Dark	Journey	Light
Dark Side of the Moon	Expects Rewards	Clouds
Moon	Maya	Sun
Nature	Paranoia	Mountains
Water	Earth	Air
Birth	Time	Release
Mother	Child	Father
Serpent	Jaguar	Eagle

Light penetrates into the darkness and shines throughout all creation. The serpent creates and powers the three worlds. The jaguar draws its strength and power from the serpent and moves freely between the created worlds. The jaguar is the master of the three domains.

Disharmony between these worlds leads to confusion. In parallel to this thinking is the Andean idea of mediating between gendered states of being, starting with the reconciliation of the same gendered complementary opposites, leading to a state of harmony they termed tinkuy. After the successful reconstruction of the respective gendered poles this next leads to the mediation of the feminine and the masculine polarities, a process called yanantin, which leads to the successful result which is called the conocimiento, bringing all into harmony. Peace of mind and harmony of the opposites is the way and the light.

Terms of mediation, harmony, reciprocity, and the androgyne in the Andes:

Huacsas - third gendered ritual attendants.

Quariwarmi - dual gendered shamans who mediated between the symmetrically dualistic spheres of Andean cosmology and daily life.

Ipa/Orua - third gendered ritual attendants.

Conocimiento - the result of the mediation of two opposing forces.

Nepantla - to be or feel in between.

Tinkuy - the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation.

Yanantin - an expression of dualistic symmetry of inclusion.

Chhimi - the central axis, heart that denotes the common territory between two halves. Found in woven textiles called talegas.

Chaupi - the in between positioning between two pairs.

Chhullu - Quechua for the one among paired things but without a pair.

Chhullus - third gendered ritual attendants that bring together the opposites in the chaupi forming the tinkuy.

Fluidly the mind shifts between thought and judgment. Focus on the self effortlessly gives way to service and concern for others. Separate identity contends with a longing for connection. Distraction has become the ego's best weapon to combat awakening. Lost in the madness is the ability to connect with the higher self, as with all things if you don't use it, you lose it. To recover what is lost is a daunting task.

Quiet contemplation and this overwhelming urge to be left alone has been with me as long as I can remember. I long ago buried my heart, since recovered, however the two halves of my mind are fully developed, active, and easily shift between what side is dominant. From a psychological sense of self I knew of the ego and its machinations but there was no label for this other part of mind. To even fathom this divide seems like such an insurmountable task for the distracted mass. When I immersed myself into the world of Amazonian shamanism there were constant episodes of attacks on this other part of my psyche along with visions of light and a longing Goddess trying to get through to this part of me. They are the most valuable, memorable, and cherished experiences I could possibly ask for and experience. To be in the presence of the Great Goddess is ineffable in its greatness. I never really clued in to who it was that was experiencing this because I have known this part of myself for so long. I was ignorant on this journey due in part to a misunderstanding. I have read books on spirituality and psychology which pointed to the higher self and in my spiritual quest I was determined to meet this elusive part of me. It has only been in the past few weeks of my life that I finally realized I have been acquainted with this part of myself all my life due to my innate solitary and contemplative nature. I was going to go to the mountains to find my higher self, now it is just going to be a confirmation of what I already know, to become fully immersed in higher consciousness free of ego, and to have a good laugh.

Part of my confusion stems from comparison to the trials and plights of others. They sure are in a bind, all twisted up in knots searching for answers and are running around in their constructed worlds trying to piece things together or they are caught in a web that radiates such a pervasive aura of worldly distraction that has engulfed them. I have never sold out totally to the distraction, instead I disappear for hours into the woods to find solace and contentment. I shun the mind candy and spend hours outside on the deck quietly smoking away while inside electronics ping and ding as the television blares away. Culture demands more and more of its slaves' attention, which is calculated to prevent an awakening to the knowledge of the higher self. Culture is the manifestation of a collective ego that demands conformity, self policing of attitude, and acceptable behaviour. As the cry for humanity to awaken increases so do the available distractions. I see now the value of meditation as the first step to just stop the noise. Just sit with yourself for twenty minutes and allow yourself to develop an innate ability of allowing quiet into your daily life.

Impulses from the depths of my subconscious attention have plagued me throughout my life. Despite a connection to a really great part of myself it was no match for this part of my psyche. In a weakened state I was a pawn to this psychic manifestation of the darkness. I didn't know how to control it though I certainly did try. It wasn't until a face to face meeting with the psychic manifestation of this power, which scared the bejesus out of me, that I was able to take up arms and fight this now discovered adversary. Psychologists will describe a man's subconscious as feminine, the anima, and to a degree it is true and is the easiest to discern however there is a dark side to that moon which is masculine and very clever and controlling. After subduing this lifelong antagonist I was then able to connect with my long buried heart who had been crying out for so long.

This adversarial alien comes from the dark side of the moon. It is the dark masculine part of your psyche residing in the shadows. The ego is the doorway for this dragon to enter into the human psyche. The visionary state works with metaphor and with this knowledge it becomes clear the hedonistic and misogynistic alien parasites from my cognitive state during an ayahuasca journey last year were metaphors for the infected egos which surrounded me. The thought that others in the ceremony were infected was a way to describe them as being possessed by the parasites as well. The thought that the alien parasite uses the power within the body to sustain itself is directly correlated with the formation of ego which is directed by the alien. I dismissed this whole ceremony as delusionary when instead it was an ingenious construct designed to allow me to see how the compromised ego operates. I felt my power drained by these parasites when in truth it is the puppet shell of the ego that steals your power for self aggrandizement and causes obfuscation of the other constituent states of being, in essence burying your heart and killing your spirit. This also connects with a Huachuma ceremony where once again it was an alien that was using the power inherent within humanity to sustain its existence. The alien was using humankind as generators to perpetuate its eventual takeover of the universe. It was mining us and the great mother for its secrets. The third time I ever drank ayahuasca I was offered the chance to become part of this strange alien construct as a leader of a group of them. I turned it down. This alien was psychotic, loved money, hedonistic, and hated women.

I'd also like to touch on the idea of sacrificing to the gods which was very prevalent in ancient times and still retains a dignified state nowadays in our refined ideas of worship. The gods in question are both internal and external forces which can exert control over you. The base idea of sacrifice is to give up something of value to gain the favour of a god. It's the simple explanation and good enough for most. I sacrifice a bull to Zeus which has a real monetary cost to my bottom line and in a way it reveals devotion. However I have to believe after what I have experienced is that the idea of sacrifice involves giving up behaviours and actions that perturb or enhance the psychic manifestations of these entities. I knew my weaknesses and what aroused my adversary and within these weaknesses I found much pleasure and comfort. I eventually was shown the need to give these up, i.e. sacrifice, in order to slay the demon. To me that is the real impetus behind sacrifice; the public sacrifice is superficial and contains much value as ritual designed to impress upon the adherent a reminder to look within to find what really needs to be forsaken.

Born from darkness we can become beacons of light. How big of an arc can be created as we pulse from off to on? All is vibration therefore I am a vibration and I am moving in a rhythm from birth to death which starts out as nothing from the Lower world, grows in the Middle world, and becomes complete in the Upper world. Within creation we become and then we are once again not - the void - but latent within is the impetus to become again. In a sense it can be deduced that the process of becoming would come to an end upon escape from the everlasting cycles of motion and time. To exist outside the wheel. The concept of djet to the ancient Egyptians; nirvana to the Hindus.

Is there a choice between attachment and release from time? Is this choice the penultimate decision we will make as spiritual free agents? What role does Love play in the decision? Do I heed the call of the Goddess and the longing for reunion or do I remain fettered to the cycle of rebirth in order that I fulfill the obligations I have made to my earthly loved ones? The opportunity for transcendence and union I have been presented with twice already, both times I have spurned the advance. The first time I explained to the Goddess I still have to take care of my family and could not come away with her. The second time was an erotic bonding in the temple of Hathor at Denderah in which I experienced the most intense and erotic feeling I have ever felt and then immediately afterwards I halted the visionary activity for some reason I'm not exactly clear about. Is it my ego which fears dissolution from the consequences of ending the prolonged separation of the divine feminine and masculine encapsulated within and therefore is constantly entrapping the self in attachments? Some of these attachments are my most treasured relationships in this temporal existence and because of this it makes one hesitant to walk the path to the conclusion of what I have been searching for. I need help on this question in order that I make the right decision. The Goddess has previously alerted me to the ability of the darkness to construct the most elaborate of schemes and will stop at nothing to prevent the reunification of the primal universal pair. This all feels related to those admonitions of my eternal bride. 

I feel the seeker if they choose to remain attached and do not ascend the proverbial mountain to transcendence then they will remain subjected to the trials and tribulations inherent in this world we live in, though you will have the opportunity to help others in their journey and allow them the opportunity to make the same choice which was once presented to you. The Buddhists call this person the Bodhisattva. I wonder too if the Goddess is strangely present in this world in some women and like everything else is veiled and hidden away. Into this world I manifested and soon developed a bad case of amnesia, I've sorted some stuff out but I am never 100% sure about it all. As a corollary to this, do I have delusions of grandeur?

If I choose to transcend my bodily existence and become the pure white light entering into a divine coupling with the Goddess does this all end? Does the universe enter into a process to become whole once again? The cosmic vibrational wave crests and returns to the state of rest before once again exploding into another cycle of creation. What about my attachments that I hold near and dear? What about all my attachments that weigh me down? Can I pick and choose? Probably not. Are they just illusory and anyhow will be ripped away from me upon physical death? Do I need to demonstrate and reconcile this in order to rest in peace, transcending the wheel? Is the ultimate expression of love, from which all springs forth, the reunification of the divine feminine and masculine? 

The choice is whether you wish to exit the never ending process of becoming once you realize there is a choice. Or do you wish to remain to help others? Or can you not let go?

Pistis Sophia. Faith in Wisdom. Love. The answer is to be found in those eternal concepts and all the rest will be taken care of.

Well, I did say I would amend this post as I travel this most fascinating path. It's four years later and I have reconciled with my darkness. My ego was the psychic manifestation that was infected and crafted stories of the darkness within with the strategy to ultimately keep me away from further exploration. It's all part of this grand game and in order to keep it going as long as possible, the ego plays its role impeccably. So, here I am. The shadow I created via ego is psychotic, loves money, is hedonistic, and a misogynist. I threw all my perceived negative traits into the toy box and declared that's not me! As I climbed the mountain to the higher self, I discovered that was the me I wanted to exalt and emphasize all my wonderful traits. Same process - strip away the labels of who you think your higher self should be and what are you left with? The light and the darkness and they are me. The obstacle to growth I realize is the me who has come forth.

The dragon is my teacher and my best friend. I find him in the lower world and the higher world. He is with me now and I'm starting to find the true definition of sacrifice. Give up control. I want this incarnation all for myself and so I buried my connection to omnipotence and took on the risk of psychic pathology and fear. Fear of future outcomes and fear of death. Was it worth the trade? It has made for a great quest. It's time though to re-enter into the partnership with my "other half." I see him and salute him. I knew of the Andean process of tinkuy. I just had to live the experience.