goddess ganesha and me

The universe is the dream of the fully realized union of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine. A dream is the reflection of one’s psyche, the reflection refracting into infinity and beyond. The child is that psyche and is the dream. The child is the universe. Our journey is to take us back home where the family reunites.

Dammit we are so philosophical as a species! How frustrating is this to the cosmic dreamer? Reflecting the psyche into their dream they created the universe. It's a giant simulation designed to come to terms with all their accumulated baggage. Instead of focusing solely on coming to terms with what troubles them, alas a great majority of the time is spent in contemplation of who we are and why are we here? How funny is that? We are so introspective we go straight for the ultimate question. I just wanted to figure out why am I such a dick with a predilection towards destruction and instead I'm left with existential questions about the fundamental underpinnings and purpose of life. I can't escape it and I have to know. Next massive dream I have to be clear to all that it is a dream, enjoy yourself, but please come to terms with hatred and strife and why can't I just love myself?

I had such an amazing dream the other night; well it was amazing in that it revealed something I had been curious about. So here is what happened: I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 3 am. My dog wanted to go out so I let her out and left the door open enough so that when she wanted to come in she could just nudge the door open. While I waited for her, I fell back asleep on the couch and started dreaming. My dreaming led me to the climax of the dream where I stood by a door and there was a sudden announcement: “now the door is going to open.” I immediately woke up and on cue my dog came in from outside through the door. Fascinating. Utterly fascinating. I have suspected for a while that my subconscious is all knowing, transcends time, and takes over once I put the local body to sleep. This proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt as it was purposely revealed to me in this connection of the dream to reality. I have had situations in the past that hinted at this where the dream would awaken me just as my alarm was to go off by telling me that the alarm was going to go off. Similarly on multiple occasions during the waking hours I have had situations where complete strangers would know my name or comment on an internal struggle they had no knowledge of; this hinting at a connection that goes deeper than our conscious knowledge.

On June 15th I had quite the strange experience. I published a blog post where I ruminated upon my divinity and in conjunction with that I accepted the corollary where I am also the adversary. So I went to the washroom at work in the afternoon and as I entered into the location, on the speakers was playing the chorus to an INXS song called “Devil Inside.” These coincidences are more regular than to be expected. I laughed at what was going on however soon I started to wonder: The subconscious power that plans everything out, unbeknownst to us collectively, is once again showing itself to be tangible. These coincidences have to be common to all in order to pull this off. It is a hidden power that is behind all action, directing it in a way that keeps the story moving along. It’s very strange but this has happened enough over the course of my life that I can now with confidence at least suspect something is going on behind the scenes. My dreams and coincidences are suggesting that this universal subconscious knows I’m awake and on to it. I want to peg it as a masculine power because I’m also aware of the feminine Goddess power that I have been in contact with now for many years. My soul mate is love and also I describe her as Sophia  - the wisdom and understanding available if I ask or feed her knowledge. I’m currently figuring out the next steps. Do I want to use my connection to this power or is that a road fraught with too much risk? Is the power too much and I should just acknowledge it, use the clarity of knowing there is this power, and continue on my path towards what? What am I heading towards? I’ve never really defined that; instead I just sail onwards gathering up knowledge and experience which has led me to this point.

My plant medicine journeys have been at times a continual battle to peer into this darkness; the hidden subconscious that barricades the doors of perception. It works to deflect, scare you away, and sends you on a path of pure and holy righteousness to become enlightened just so you will stop seeking to peer into the darkness. I have wondered what is hidden down there? It’s omnipotence. It’s power. It’s the essence of our divinity. When I dream I become god. In life when you finally wake up and discover this is a dream, and there is a power that exerts control over the direction of the dream, then you are the Buddha. You are then awake within the dream. Life as you experience it becomes a lucid dream. I get now why we aren’t allowed access and are scared off and sent on a path towards faux ego enlightenment.

In my plant medicine journeys when I finally got past the stone blocks the darkness was inserting along my path on the road to becoming awake and embracing the jaguar of no fear and sublime courage, waiting to welcome and acknowledge me was the elephant headed one. I knew enough to realize it was Ganesha from the lore of the Indian subcontinent but I didn’t know much about him. After his appearance, the Goddess came to me in celebration as well. It was quite the night as I finally learned how to navigate the darkness. Up to that point I had been persistent yet frustrated by the constant fear and loathing of the experience. I really don’t know why I persisted and kept coming back to ceremony. I think it had to do with chasing the Goddess. There was always the chance I’d see her so inward I would return. Once I mastered the technique then I could sail on towards whatever siren song undertow pulled me towards knowing full well I could sail away and escape if need be. I have the confidence and am planning my next voyage into the darkness. I am starting to peer into and see some strange things in the dark, not in the least the power to control one's own destiny and depending upon perspective, the destiny of the world.

After first meeting Ganesha and returning home I noticed in my life how things were being moved out of my path both figuratively and literally. The funniest example was the walking path where I walk the dog. It had become overrun with fallen trees and debris. Curiously town workers showed up with wheelbarrows and chain saws and cleared the path. Maybe you don’t think that is out of the ordinary? Well the path is in the woods and no one else uses it. The following summer I had to evict a tenant from my basement and had a court date which was stressing me out. Ganesha came to me in a dream the night before the date and assured me it was all going to work out. Sure enough it did. I have been called even-steven because everything always works out for me. On my recent trip to the Amazon I had another peculiar meet up with Ganesha. There is this tribe that sells their artwork called the Shipibo that visits us at the sanctuary. There is a lot of Ayahuasca themed tapestries depicted with flowing energy in a style that is iconic to their tribe. I was perusing the collection they brought with them, not intending to purchase anything and low and behold I came across one of Ganesha! What the? I mean they are two oceans and the other side of the world away from India and the promulgation of Ganesha. Obviously it was a sign meant exclusively for me, so of course I had to have it.

I’m four months into my latest integration and all that I have mentioned about power and the subconscious is what I have been coming to terms with. I hung my tapestry at work and I often wear a pullover that has an image of Ganesha on the front. I finally added it up and realized the subconscious force that stirs the pot, that removes obstacles from the path and sometimes places them on it that I have discovered has as one of their names Ganesha. I’m sometimes slow on the uptake of seeing what has been staring me in the face. The masculine power I intuit is Ganesha. I’m adding it all up now. The Goddess, Ganesha, and me. I’m god, my co-actress is the goddess, and Ganesha is the reflection of the psyche into the universe who is directing this play. I'm the actor who now has the ear of the director.

So the unfathomable darkness of self, the area that is off-limits is where the director of the play hangs out, who is always creating obstacles or removing them in order to keep the play moving along and remaining interesting. I am the actor in this play and having fooled myself into thinking it is real also denied myself access to the underpinnings of the drama. The director controls the urges that makes us irrational and seek power or to collect items to own because of jealousy others may get them. We seek to win this game either through the pastime of collecting power and wealth, acquiring intellectual mastery and achieving recognition, and when all that is unfulfilling we turn to the spiritual climb. We never think to look at what drives all this behaviour? There must be a certain satisfaction on your deathbed that yes I played the game and beat it somehow! Does that give you currency to play again and give it another go? Put me in another ridiculous situation where I have to eat other beings to survive and see if I can win? Do you ever tire of winning? Is that our fatal conceit that instead of winning we have to elevate all through love but we are not predisposed to do that and we have to cast off the shackles of success and spread our common humanity and decency around the world. This is kind of funny in a way. I know of this power and the temptation is to rig the game, become successful, and live out my life of ease and then I’ll do it again because I know deep down whatever situation I get put in I will eventually figure it out and beat the game. Obviously I’ll increase the challenge in order to make it worthwhile but I know now I’ll always figure it out. I’m good at the puzzles. I stand on the precipice of laying my cards on the table. Sure it is going to be grand to bask in the knowledge of beating the game but what to do with the power? The maestro taught service and reciprocity; I of course never thought I’d get to a place where I could really make a difference but instead live a meagre life of influence, pissing words into the wind, and affecting the lives of maybe a handful. 

Was I finally ready to get the confirmation? It had become clear that nothing is working concerning throwing me off this path. I keep coming back and looking behind the curtain. When I first peered in about seven years ago with Ayahuasca, it was the most disturbing, creepy, and weird experience. I tried to run from it and was threatened with death if I ever looked again. I heard voices for days and worried about my sanity. Back home from this nightmare I had fits of unease, panic attacks, and then occurred over the duration of five consecutive nights a situation where I’d awake at the exact same time every night and have this feeling of fear and an encompassing darkness overwhelm me before I reached out to the Goddess to help me. I eventually returned to Peru and the plants and kept at it all the while wondering why I always would be greeted by this darkness? It’s because what I really wanted to find out was this mystery and plant medicines are both very good at revealing the inner self and the darkness we hide. The holy and righteous climb up the mountain was just a sideshow. We develop strategies to bypass the darkness so we can enter into the state of bliss. Deep down we know the darkness is still there. The subsequent use of Vilca was a good reminder of both polarities as I faced a struggle to reconcile the darkness in order to attain the light.

I had asked the question when I got back from Peru this year: Why do I keep looking? Just this week I wondered what am I hiding? It didn’t take long to get the answer. That seems to be part of the equation where I have to get to the point where I can formulate and ask the question. Then the answer is provided.

Of course the dream is the modality used to divulge the information I was seeking. I sit here now with confirmation of the divinity within, the accessible power, and the ability to know all and transcend our conception of time. Cool. I’m going to need a few days to sit with this one.