reflection of self

I am.

I am yet I didn't know I. From I, I became the mother and the father. I created my universe. I impregnated the mother and birthed myself into my own world. The world is a reflection of self. The creation of the world is through the objectification of my polar extremes. I see my naked self. No filters. I did all this in order to understand self and find reconciliation with just who I am. Being honest with myself and owning the suffering in my world compels me to seek answers. The answers are found in the middle; in the heart space where I temper my powerful extremes with love. Love seems to be the answer.

The heart creates the pulse in our body derived from the master heartbeat. The rhythm is the connection to the vibratory nature of being and our way back home. All is vibration. The effluence of the vibration is an energetic tour de force that comes forth from the mother. From this new-found power comes conscious awareness which we use to divide and objectify what just is. Awareness of the other leads to thoughts which give rise to feelings.

Relativity is carried upon the back of the eternal vibration which gives rise to perspective. As we look through the prism of what just is, we create our story. What adventure would you like?

This universe is your universe and no one else can lay claim to your world. Others will steal your power through manipulation of fear and separateness and you willingly exchange your birthright for food and shelter. I want you to understand that the universe you perceive is unique to only you and it is through internal agreements we make about reality that allows us to inhabit someone else's world. A world we share but are privy to our unique perspective. Why do I need you to accept this premise? Well, without it I cannot teach you about power and magic. When I finally convince you that you are the all and this world is of your making from your own unique point of view, you will have the key which allows you to control and change the world. Whether you want to do that is another story; however, it is important you are shown this power. From this standpoint, you will then see how you already are sabotaging your own life and have conspired subconsciously to place yourself into the position from which you now operate. Conversely, you will see how those you think are successful in the game of life perpetuate their way of life.

Paradoxically, the other in their own bubbles, to wit a universe of their own making, are the many all derived from the one. To simplify, who you see are emanations of the great I; an amalgamation of the dreaming mind stitched together into a web of consciousness.

In order to sense this universe of duality you have to live in the middle world. My polar extremes are only discernible in a world where I stand in the middle and can see them. Your universe is created through the interaction of your extremes. You know - light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain. You stand in the middle of it all and bring this world to life.

Try out these mental exercises: Why do we eat? To satiate hunger and find peace so we can get on with life. Why do we seek out sexual gratification? To quell the urge within so we can be at peace. Why do we exercise? To calm the internal fire that needs an outlet. So we can spend a few moments sufficiently exhausted in order to relax before the peacefulness sends us off into sleep where we renew the life force within and the cycle repeats. These are all examples of taking the extremes within the body and bringing them to centre in order to find balance. If you overeat in order to satiate hunger, you aren't going to feel well, possibly vomit, and long term become obese. You missed the lesson of balance and now you suffer from the inability to grasp the teachings at hand.

Love is found in the middle of the two polar extremes. The enlightened sage is just as far from this love as the degenerate. I had to walk the path towards fool's gold for quite some time before I got the teaching. I climbed the mountain, reached the summit of my spiritual beatitudes, got one up on my fellow seekers, and as a result found out it was just another game which keeps us separated. Oh look, he's such a wise man; a guru for our technological troubled times. What are you doing? This is just perpetuating the divide, knowing full well most humans will not reach the pinnacle of enlightenment unless someone else tells them they have accomplished this spiritual endgame. It's true. Most will keep going on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning, all because they are looking for external acknowledgement of something that will never come. If I have you under my spell and am extracting prestige and wealth from you why would I ever let you in on the fact you are already enlightened? I mean if you haven't figured out the game yourself then maybe you deserve it? The philosophical genius Alan Watts explains this very phenomenon:

So, there are all sorts of people in the religious racket who are going through revolving doors. And they’re very bitter about people who walk right through and leave the door behind, because they say, “You haven’t paid enough respect.” You must really understand religious one-upmanship. It’s a tremendously important thing. And don’t be caught out by this, because what happens is: there’s a little game going on, which I’m going to initiate you into. And it’s played in Zen, which is… it works like this: if you go to a teacher and ask for spiritual instruction, or even if you come to a seminar like this, you are—by doing that—confusing yourself, because you are looking for what you are asking for outside; as if someone else could give it to you, as if you didn’t have it. So, the teacher knows that, as long as you do that, you haven’t understood. But he doesn’t just tell you to go away. Or he may, sometimes, just say, “Go away, I’m too busy. And in any case, I can’t tell you anything.” Well, people won’t take that for an answer. They won’t take no for an answer. And furthermore, if he just said, “Go away,” they would just find some other teacher who would exploit them, and maybe keep them as followers for years and acquire a great deal of money by so doing.

What he does is another thing. He tries to give them the putdown, as if to say, “You have a great, long distance to go yet. Your attainment is not at all perfect.” And they’re always talking about other sects and other schools, and saying, “Well, they haven’t really got the point,” see? So that you keep losing faith in yourself and feeling, “My goodness, I haven’t yet attained this thing.” And that keeps you working. But all the time you’re being talked out. It’s like someone who’s a pickpocket, and he’s stolen your own watch and is selling it to you. But just so long as you can be talked out of yourself, you deserve to be!

Now, you become very aware of this if you ever do, momentarily, slip into some sort of a mystical experience. You become aware of this tremendous gamesmanship going on. And you see it as sort of continuous with all sorts of cosmic games that are going on: of creatures eating other creatures up, and the creatures that get eaten, of course, transform themselves into the creatures that eat them, and then in turn eat other creatures. And you see the whole hide-and-seek game going on, and then you realize very clearly that the state of development that you are in, now, is no better and no worse than anybody else’s state. Because it’s like space again. Which star is in the best position? Well, it’s all equal. They’re all in the middle. Anyone can be considered as the center one. Any point on a sphere is the center of the surface of the sphere. So, in the same way, everybody—in all his behavior, whatever he’s doing—whether we call him from a certain point of view sick or whether we call him healthy, whether we call him good or bad, neurotic, normal, psychotic, sane—all the manifestations are just like the leaves on the trees, and in each being in a unique way is (as Christians would say) manifesting the will of God.

So, there really—from that point of view, you see—there is nothing to do to attain Buddhahood. Nothing at all. But, you see, that’s very difficult to understand because a lot of people, when they hear that there’s nothing to do, try to do nothing! And you can’t! Because you are karma, and karma means action. You can’t do nothing. But the thing you’re looking for (or think you’re looking for) is what you’re doing, is what’s called you. Only, of course, as we all know, we’ve got ourselves into the idea that oneself is so difficult to see. Because it’s like, as I’ve often said, trying to bite your own teeth or look into your own eyes, and you can’t find it. It’s always behind. It’s like your head is, from the optical point of view, a blank space. Neither light nor dark. It’s right in the middle of everything.

This world is all you and you hold all the cards. All you have objectified as the other is in fact emanations of your ability to objectify. A divine prismatic ability which is the superpower that sustains this world. The friend you meet on the street is you who strangely enough has the same abilities as you do so that they may convince themselves of their separateness and have an adventure. When you finally realize and accept the inseparability of all and see we are just looking at self from multiple perspectives you realize of course you are god. You are everything! You are god and the devil all rolled into one.

If you meet a peddler of enlightenment, ask them about Satan and their relationship to him. Do they still keep him buried without even an acknowledgement of his existence? Are they so far along their holy path they no longer have to deal with him? The true sage is fully aware of their own rascality.

In essence, we fear psychological death and this prevents us from discovering the truth. We cannot come to terms with the death of the mind. The mind is what keeps the illusion going and makes you really believe you are this separate being. Our minds are attached to our unique body because that's how we perpetuate the con. Once the body goes, the vehicle which allows the mind to convince us we are a perceived distinct being is dissolved and we are left with nowhere to stand. One who makes the claim of enlightenment will of course welcome death and the transition onwards to the next adventure which they have originally created for themselves. I can't tell you what it is; it would ruin the surprise.

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

becoming power

I’m the even-steven guy. Everything always works out for me in the end. Of course, I completed my latest journey in 2020 and got back home from Peru just before the world went to shit. Am I deluded? My maestro shut down international travel a week after I arrived home from Peru in March of 2020. And he has kept travel difficult until I’m ready to return to Peru. He has that power and control. He’s told me this. Either I believe it or I’m deluded and insane. I’d drop this path in a second if I didn’t believe it.

I am crazy by definition. How would I know I’m crazy? Seriously, does someone who presents as being a little outside the mainstream know that they externally come off to others as being nuts? The psychiatric consensus would most likely diagnose me as being delusional. Maybe put me on a pill. You see, the thing is, I read through the literature and the medical community’s diagnoses of various conditions is spot on. In my opinion, the consensus reason for the pathology manifesting as delusion is a prime example of such blatant narrow mindedness with an appalling lack of curious non-consensual professionals questioning dogma. How about that sentence I just constructed? Pretty good, eh? What I mean is the alteration of consciousness exposes the subject to fields of awareness normally off-limits. The response by doctor and patient, aided and abetted by cultural indoctrination, is that you are crazy, i.e. psychotic. Take for instance a tumour on the brain causing hallucinations. The typical and programmed sensible response would figure the hallucinations are not real because of an abnormality in the brain. I would say the tumour is perturbing the perception of consciousness thus allowing you to experience different frequencies of consciousness. You will be told the hallucination is pathology, not normal, and thus the novelty will frighten you. However, it’s a grand opportunity to explore if you can repeat the conditions and procedures to get to that place, which in this instance is a gold mine. I, for one, know how to do this very thing with select natural substances, I’m confident, I have traversed fear and cultural prohibitions, and I’m intent on exploring. This paragraph was meant to inform you I’m not crazy. Instead of dismissing my delusions, the intention was to open your mind to another possibility.

Why does the belief of delusion exist within the medical community?

Patient paranoia is a big reason. I’ve experienced that condition and I concluded psychedelics unlock the paranoia within which you have been bequeathed by ancestral patterns or acquired throughout your lifetime. The condition or substances causing the non-ordinary will take a thought or belief and amplify it logarithmically, therefore this is a major impediment to a novice consciousness explorer while to the regular Joe on the street he just wants it to go away. I don’t think the medical response is a conspiracy or a way to maintain cultural control over society. I do understand the 1960’s and the LSD craze did open the establishment's eyes towards the truth that the alteration of consciousness will lead to a breakdown of society as it frees the archetype of the liberator, thus there is a vested interest in banning these substances and developing treatments, such as depression pills and anti-psychotics that numb the patient and universally declare that non-standard deviations from the accepted consciousness frequency are pathology and not to be tolerated in our society. That being said, a scientist is more comfortable in being able to measure, thus the diagnosis is the measurement. From this position can be crafted solutions. The solutions are to numb consciousness and create a sub-class of zombified human beings. To accept alterations of consciousness as a real thing would mean there would have to be a way to measure this condition and have a degree of success measuring the result. The condition presents itself in infinitesimal ways, therefore it's pretty much impossible to measure with the corollary that it is an explorer's delight.

Well, back to my story! The teacher knows I would have gone back to Peru before fully integrating all the lessons and discovering his identity and my destiny. And then involved the scenario where I either committed to the path or continued to vacillate between being a steadfast wannabe and a fuck up. So, anyways I’ve made the commitment so the plague can now dissipate and the signal to return to Peru will be presented to me soon enough.

My intentions are to methodically extricate myself from the life I identify with before old age slams the door shut. This will enable my freedom. My actual identity I will retain and minimize to allow access to necessities in this world. Without a fixed identity I would not be able to freely travel or access my finances so I will compartmentalize that aspect of self. In other words, not treat it as the be all and end all but just one of those nuisances you need in order to navigate life on earth. Identity will be a user name and password that unlocks the digital world. Identity will be treated like clothing where for example as I head to the airport I’m this guy today. Am I just deluding myself? Good question. I think the delusion is you think you have a real identity. Remember when you were born? No? Well, let me give you a clue. You were free for a couple hours once they cut the cord. You were then assigned an identity and a certificate. So, to discard it now or treat it as flimsy or not set in stone is perfectly logical. In fact, it’s the sane position of the two. Ha ha, got you didn’t I!

Okay, so that’s the freedom path. The steel path as a corollary to this gambit is to embrace the shadow into the light of everyday consciousness. Why do I want to do this? Well, first off, I recognize that I am a two-man operation and I have a consciousness that has come forth in this lifetime and I recognize a second buried one. I also recognize a third consciousness that is with me, it’s the feminine Goddess to whom I refer, however that one is whole and seems external to me. I've mentioned this before in that I don’t know how a woman intuits these different consciousnesses or how they manifest within their form. I have asked a few women and they have described their shadow as possibly being masculine. It involves further study. At any rate, my whole self is the combination of self and shadow and when I say I’m discarding identity it’s because as far as I can tell any semblance of a true identity has to start with this recognition. It’s the steel path because my shadow is fearless and all powerful with the ability to transform at will. He contains the power to control events, to change outcomes, and to grant any desire you wish. He is great of magic. He’s offered all that to me in order to suss out my intentions. My original intention was to recover the love of the long-lost Goddess; so, the offers of power I brushed aside. He offers power to everyone who gets this far. Look at your hand and count your fingers. That’s a good approximation of how many in the billions of conscious beings who will not grab this power. Imagine being born in a poor country and being given a way out? Would I take it then? I guess I had a lucky roll of the dice upon conception. Additionally, he loves a good fight and a good opponent. He could have rubbed me out at will and destroyed me in a wink of an eye, I know that, but he played along and was intrigued by my fortitude and moxie. So, here we are!

My next steps are to cultivate this relationship and invite the master teacher into my life to become my driving force. To enable the strength and resolve that lies within; the potential to not only enable my freedom but the strength to keep my freedom by stomping out all impediments to liberation. I’m not a blank slate; I do offer a worthy partnership in this deal. I can play the overt game of life and navigate human society. I’m a worthy foil to the shadow; the shadow being the outcast. I can play the straight man on the path towards freedom. What is the outcome of all this deluded bluster I present to you? The fully realized human being. A being of strength and mystery. A fount of wisdom and knowledge. It’s the final step in our evolution. Ultimately, a path revealed to others that I can offer up as an example of the possibilities. I will be that strength and power. Instead of using it for gain, I will become power. See how it works? An occult path for the worthy. The mystery school once again accepting students.

I will keep to my agreement to prove I’m actually ready to go forward on this path instead of the usual two steps forward, one back nonsense. I can do it; I just need the requisite challenge and so here it is. What if I fail? I’m not. Okay, so what lies ahead? That’s up to maestro. When he's ready to receive me, I’ll head back to Peru. I’ll know when it’s time by the signs on the path. I’ve seen the owl and I know it’s coming. The owl was loud last night. I see the death welcomed by the presence of the owl, headless rodents and carcasses ripped asunder, signaling to me change is coming. The world works in mysterious ways once you understand the path of the maestro. It’s all for you whether you realize it or not. This is your universe. There are as many different universes as there are conscious beings. Each and every one of us brings the universe to life. Because we agree on core principles of each manifestation, to wit consensus reality, we can then inhabit someone else’s world.

Power has consequences. Power is the antithesis of freedom. To not seek power is to become power. To grasp at an external source of power leads to being enslaved by power. To think you need to seek power is the fatal flaw. Once you realize you are power everything falls away and you become free. There’s no need to seek for power anymore. Your shadow is all powerful and if you ask he will grant you all the power you want. It’s then up to you to grab the ring and fulfill your destiny. Am I recommending this path? Hell, no. This path has consequences and you are making a bargain with your shadow and he will require recompense. If you don’t live up to your end of the deal then it will be an unpleasant outcome. Having clarity allows me to see this. I see gobs of power available to me. My shadow controls past, present, and future and can grant the realization of all your wishes and desires. I know what I could do with power. However, I turned it down because I sought knowledge and that included the nature of power. Granted, I wasn’t faced with biological death and begged for a second chance. We don’t know how we would react to that situation. Knowing what I now know, I’d die with dignity. It’s remarkable that he gave me these answers the third time I drank Ayahuasca but I later wrote that he was mad. He told me of the beggar's bargain many make with him. Ok, whatever, you nut-bag and I got the fuck out of there.

As I study culture and myth, I now see clearly that every culture can create their own god through the collective consciousness and access to the shadow. The shadow is the great actor, is the god common to all, and will play the part asked of him. Because the shadow is archetypical to all, all will receive the same ideas if they conform to cultural behaviours much like how I mentioned we enter into other’s conscious reality through shared agreements upon reality. I would think if any culture wanted to be successful long-term they need a god to rally around. If you ask the shadow for power he will grant it to you but it is a reciprocal arrangement. In exchange for the power, something will be asked of you or your culture. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences. A great example of this idea is found in the entirety of the Old Testament and the trials and tribulations of the Israelites.

This path is honourable and I got the answer I was seeking. It’s fascinating and a pretty good game now. Instead of grabbing the ring, I became his student. I’m a student of omnipotent power, to wit God, and on the road to becoming power. 

chasing power

I’m reflecting on the nature of power as I stand on the precipice of mastery which in turn presents to the student the ring. I have to prepare for this stage. I know enough to always turn left and leave the bright lights and self-glorification for others. Those continual choices have served me well so I find guidance in continuing on with this mode of exploration.

We all do chase power as well as the ability to control others and outcomes which leads to a world ordered the way we wish it to be. It’s why we get up in the morning and go to work. We don’t trust anything will be given to us; that we will be fed; or that anyone will unconditionally help us. I mean everything seems to be transactional and the currency for the exchange is time and money. We acquire money through giving up our time, selling our physical or mental gifts, and working for this credit which allows for us to have a modicum of control over our lives. At this point in our life, others look at us and internally nod, knowing we are playing the cultural game and have it all together. We are dependable and the system rewards us. Being stable and having a fixed identity allows us access to all the rewards in life, most importantly being liked by the bank. Credit allows us to purchase houses, cars, and fancy vacations. It all works out as long as we keep working for it and bow to the demands of culture.

What if you stop working while still being able to do so? Eventually, it all gets taken from you and you reside in run down accommodations and are thrown scraps. Faced with that decision, I get out of bed in the morning and go to work. I’ve mentioned this before so I’ll re-iterate: Freedom isn’t glamorous nor does it have any relationship to opulence. Naturally, those who play the game seek to be successful and one up each other. I mean why bother playing if you aren’t going to seek out success? Playing out the string for scraps would lead to depression. This motivates us even more to acquire as much power and wealth as possible. It is yet another right-hand egoistic path to follow. We want our friends and neighbours to hold us in artificial high esteem due to wealth and we reflect that admiration in the choices we make, the year and model of our cars, and how well manicured our front lawn is.

To be successful and not want these things is a head scratcher. You become a bit of a mystery and some may try and figure you out. I gravitate towards t-shirts and jeans, public transit, and an unkempt lawn. There’s a rebellious streak coming out in my behaviour along with a longing to be free. Non-conformity and disobedience speak to me. There’s now not much left tethering me to society. I still have dependents; so, there’s that and it’s got another couple years or so to play out. After that, the balance is tilted towards freedom so I do have to start thinking about what I want or should I say, what I don't want?

So back to power: We are slaves to our desires and in order to fulfill these desires we need power. We make a bargain with the darkness within us in order to get what we want. To hide this choice and subsequent ugliness, we dress up our intentions and put a little lipstick on it or a nice tailored suit. Your shadow acquiesces to what you want and gives you the strength and resolve to chase your dreams. In exchange, the shadow has its desires that in reciprocity you have to feed. We’ve seen this constantly play out in society. The most depraved among us are those who are the most powerful. It is so common and repetitive, I don’t even have to give examples or highlight the names of those I am talking about.

As I have previously revealed, this darkness is your master teacher. He will give you what you want in order to teach you a lesson. Ultimately, it’s a lesson in freedom. The pursuit of power and control is the antithesis to freedom and will transform you into a monster when played out to its extreme and finality. The path of having control over others ends in depravity. Even a little bit of control turns people into tyrants. Ever seen some of these frustrated authoritarians' behaviour with pets? Having power means having to maintain this power and become even more cruel to fend off competitors. You are taken down a path so reprehensible, a lesson in cruelty and suffering, thus you will eventually understand the teaching. All this is teaching you liberation. It’s a real-life class with real and terrible consequences.

The wheel keeps spinning as long as you keep turning right and lighting up the circuit by collecting power and chasing desire. 

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.

god is unknowable

Did you know God is unknowable? Just when you are spiritually on the cusp of knowing your chosen idol, the guardians of religiosity will drop the hammer on you. Silly you, God is unknowable! He is far off, unfathomable, and unreachable. Christians thus point to Jesus as a way to get to the father. I have written this before and I’ll say it again because it is provocative and loses me followers: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you get a hint of whom this God is, the descriptions in the Old Testament of patriarchs approaching him with fear and trembling are accurate. Moses telling the Israelites on the mountain at Sinai in Exodus 19 (King James Version) to not climb the mountain to the abode of God or they will perish is good advice.

16 And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.
21 And the Lord said unto Moses, Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many of them perish.

Coming into direct contact with God will send you scurrying for cover. Who dares to approach and survive the encounter? Not many, that’s for sure. The fright, panic, and subsequent harassment will confound, confuse, and cause you great upset. Pay heed to the advice of cowards and keep him afar and unknowable. If you are going to do it despite this caution, I’d suggest first practice the ability to enter into a state of meditation that allows you to quiet the mind and re-centre. If not, it will be game over in a hurry.

I’m here to help; so, I’ll give you the advice you need however you’ll forget it when you are in the eye of the storm and the fight or flight response kicks in. After you run, depending upon cultural background long haired Jesus may appear, smiling and inviting you to become his follower. Maybe you’ll dream of him and confirm to yourself he is the way and the light.

Jesus stops you in your tracks. He is a roadblock on your path to discovering what is available to you. Thank Jesus and move along.

The unknowable, unreachable, and unfathomable God that is off-limits is you. This whole construct is you as God trying to get to know thyself so you trick yourself into thinking you aren’t who you are and then make many iterations of self in order to be able to self-reflect by looking at the behaviour of others. Everyone is like a mirror and through creating this world you get an idea of what you are made of. The trick is to make sure no one wakes up to the ruse or the experiment is compromised. If enough wake up then the illusion is compromised.

There is an unpleasant side-effect to waking up. As the creator, the suffering of the world you cause and it’s your responsibility. It’s clear. I’m aghast at all the suffering in the world but my actions reveal otherwise. I participate in an economic system that divides the world up into haves and have nots and I make sure I monetize my gifts so I get a piece of the pie and live in modest comfort, never at a lack for food and shelter. I do all this knowing that for the extra I take someone goes without. I use motor vehicles to travel distances each and every day knowing full well I am contributing to the pollution of the world. I heat my home with natural gas that has pipelines leaking poison into our water supply. I support companies that are exploitative like Apple, Amazon, and the like. I invest in the Nasdaq which is home to some of the greediest and power-hungry companies upon the planet. The conditions on earth are all my fault. If we want systemic change, platitudes will not suffice; instead, you have to live the life you point towards. It’s pretty simple. Protests and demonstrations of rage are like pissing into the wind; it’s the easy way out. Become the change you want to see in the world.

That is the answer to the puzzling question that is always posed: If there is an all-loving god then why did he create and allow the suffering? Why does he allow it to continue? Why does he allow the innocent child to get stricken with cancer? This is the world you created. A world of duality that reconciles pleasure and pain and for everyone who hoards resources there are many that have nothing in order to even it out. Everything is reconciled. The cost is suffering. The answer lies at your feet. This is the world that you as God have created. That’s a tough swallow. As long as there is suffering the universe will continue on. Can you see it? Suffering creates our world. Until there is a grand reconciliation, this world of form will remain as a reminder of who you are and the work to be done on self. Love is the way out. To end the suffering, open your heart.

God is unknowable because you can’t see yourself. The invention of the mirror was a boon for narcissists. Similarly, the ingenious device of the one becoming the many acts as a proverbial mirror so you and I as God can psychoanalyse and understand our self. We made the impossible task of self-knowledge a reality through our cunning and ability to hypnotize self into not knowing who we are. Those who start to wake up and question this construct are few and thus the charade can continue merrily along. We can remain in the experiment and observe the actions of others and see how we react once we know. That’s a lot of responsibility to take on; it was probably better when I didn’t know.

If I want a loving universe then I should practice unabashed love. As it stands, the universe is a reflection of me. The suffering, greed, and environmental destruction reflects my attitude and malaise towards them. That’s pretty heavy. This whole construct was a step in the direction of healing and an admission to the Goddess that her path of the heart was always the way. It’s hard for a man to admit he is wrong, especially to his eternal wife. Contrition through self-reflection of my true nature sure hits like a heavy feather.

tempering the extremes of omnipotence

The purpose and meaning of incarnation into a world of my own making is to explore the extremes of the high and the low; to wit the duality of self. As the stone idol at Chavín de Huántar in the Andean highlands teaches, bring all back to centre at our own personal axis mundi. The purpose is to find wholeness in the heart space in the middle, called the chaupi in the Quechuan language. This is also the fourth chakra in a seven-fold energetic human existence. The answer is not found in the crown chakra and the pure white light of enlightenment; ah, it's fun to climb that mountain and experience God consciousness but in the end, you see that's not why you're here. You already are God. Instead, the reason why you are here is reconciliation. To bring all back to centre, taking the unity of form of the divine feminine and merging with the independent spirit of the divine masculine. And from this process you rediscover the heart and love. This is why you created this whole game and imbued the quest with the impetus and desire to discover the secret. The puzzle kept you going. The game was frustrating and challenging, but ultimately fun. The hero's journey kept you invested and involved. I love a challenge and I'm going to keep going through multiple lifetimes in order to complete this quest and along the way I'm going to unveil the mystery. What an adventure! Kudos to myself for designing this most interesting game-board.

And so, here I am. I did the journey and completed the quest. I unveiled the mystery. I rescued the princess. What’s left now if I keep sailing on this ship of discovery? My ship is blessed with the moniker "The Fool." I clearly see the destination as I look into this world of form and what is revealed is all pervasive duality. I see the opposites and know the task at hand is to bring the opposites to the centre in order to find love. That's why I did it - to find balance and temper the extremes of omnipotence. The sideshows I created to keep me interested and continuing on the voyage so that eventually I'd see it and discover the reason "why" I did this. I wanted to know God; I wanted to know what makes me tick along with discovering the answer to how do I reconcile the creator and the destroyer within? I now see what it is I wanted to see - the polarity and separation, and grudgingly I accept that she was correct all along. She is Love - the Great Goddess, and she shows me reconciliation of what is leads to the centre and in this centre is found life and love.

Earth is one of these centres where we have life and can practice love. It's on now; this is your classroom buddy. Reconciliation is the game! You did the whole journey, found what you seek is within, and created a world that manifests difficult situations which implore you to find solutions to the endemic problem. The various problem-solving methods at hand are diverse and most lead you away from what it is you seek. The answer to the conundrum is love and you find this answer after exhausting all avenues that take you away from the centre. The streets of separation are roads paved with fame and fortune but ultimately lead you farther down a path to nowhere and eventually we all lose the way home. Wow, we sure have travelled a great distance and now I no longer even realize within there is a castle made of gold which houses the Goddess and her gift of love. We forgot her and buried the knowledge of the feminine divine under the sands of time.

I never cease to be amazed at the writing process and how it lubricates the mind which in turn allows you to make a connection to wisdom and understanding. As I spent the day writing this post and consequently thinking about it, I had yet another epiphany on the nature of being. The root chakra and the crown chakra are connected as in they are polar opposites. One is chaos and form while the other is order and separation. They are the representation of the feminine and masculine energies who need and attract each other. I know the answer is found in the fourth chakra which is the heart. Both paths, regardless of origin, lead to the heart whether you start from the bottom or the top. It is in the middle where biological life is possible. The balance between the two eternal and divine energies create and sustains life. Life is precarious and it’s only on this gift of Pachamama where we can experience biological life which in turn allows us to find love and realize now is the time to express that love.

Furthermore, I intellectually started investigating the polar origins of the cyclical energetic system and realized that some of us are on a journey of ascension while others are in a state of deceleration of the energetic signature. Some of us are entering into life via the crown chakra and heading towards stasis while others are entering at the bottom of the mountain and beginning the long climb to the grandeur of self. Each energetic journey leads to the heart at the mid-point of the journey and it’s where we manifest into conscious form; so, here we are. This is the game we are playing. Acceleration from feminine unity, separate into form, and finish the climb. Deceleration from masculine separation, unify into form, and return to the great mother who smothers. Some of us will head towards the light at bodily death and others will descend into the darkness. But don’t you worry; it’s all cyclical and it is the constant transformation of your energetic signature that bestows upon you eternal life. The ride is the thing. Embrace it.

The cycles within this cycle are of the same nature as within our lives we traverse the energetic centres and remove the blocks in order to experience all facets of life in this body. Some head towards the crown chakra to become the king of their domain, fully enlightened, while others take the path of unity back to the base chakra. Most of us get stuck in the second chakra of carnal pleasures or the third chakra of personal power and greed. Once again, with experience and the subsequent wisdom is discovered in the fourth chakra of the heart is where we become fully realized human beings.

So, what's left is to love. Open the heart, put yourself in others' shoes, and find compassion. Realize that greed and games of power mask fear. Transmute that fear into love. Plant the seed so that others know there is another way; life doesn't have to be this way. Leave this world a better place and light up the Goddess’ heart castle so that other game players can see the beacon shining in the distance when they are ready to head towards her divine gift of love.