I left my house Monday morning in an uneventful manner as I had many times before. Because I question everything, this was the day that I finally questioned why I was doing this. I mean I like my comfortable life and doing the Monday to Friday thing allows me to navigate the vagaries of life with aplomb. However, there is something quite strange about falling into patterns of behaviour that reinforce your comfort zone and perpetuate your cultivated existence. Like MasterCard, stability has its rewards. In contrast, us humans like novelty and the colour in life comes from new experiences and not falling into traps that deliver the predictable results with the side effect being having to wonder: Is this what life is really all about?
I thought back to a dream I had recently where I lost my job and it caused me great upset. I guess I had to chew on that for a bit before moving on to the guts of the lesson. In retrospect, the teacher on the path I walk placed a huge obstacle to overcome in my lesson plan. First off, he had to scare the proverbial shit out of me, make me question my fortitude, and force me to summon courage in order to transform myself from weak to strong and from fearful to brave. I look back upon my journey and I now know they were tests, though at the time it was all so confusing. I successfully passed these tests after displaying fortitude and courage. I can say this knowing full well the outcome was in doubt. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to go back to my mediocre life and not have to face up to the challenge of a lifetime. Regret is a good motivator and ultimately wanting to walk this path meant I had to step up to the plate. Ultimately, I was successful and got my stripes. I know what I did and who I took on to prove myself. Now, within me is the undeniable knowledge I can handle whatever is thrown at me. The dream of losing my job was to challenge and take me a step further.
So, I left my house and the voice questioned me: What are you doing? Why are you spinning your wheels going through this whole routine day after day? I thought about it and in a way, I’m being of service to the attachments I have acquired throughout my life. It’s comfortingly noble! I have an excuse for why I’m not free - I’m being of service! There’s truth to it. I’m a good provider however without balance I lose my way. It was pretty incredible I was able to take up my sword on this path and get as far as I have come considering the cultural prohibitions and family ties that prevent most from exploring that which calls out to them. We all get the inkling of something perhaps greater however by the time we are ready to follow what is calling out to us we are too old and too tired. Those with families and respectable jobs don’t out of the blue trek into the jungle in order to lose their sense of self. The inner voice was now questioning why I’m afraid of giving up the day to day routine and stopping the pathological madness. I like assured meals, a little spending money in my pocket, and a soft mattress in a warm place to sleep at night. I have a family that relies on me and a dog that adores me. That’s what keeps me going.
Additionally, I have wondered why I can’t transcend destructive behaviours that plague me. In truth, I’m a psychologist's dream. Deep down, I know I have the resolve to overcome anything that is thrown at me; in fact, I have done it against all odds. I took on a Dragon and came out in one piece. I look back at and marvel that for two years and eight months I was a total ascetic, eschewing all the guilty pleasures in life. It was one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of humankind! I could do it again if need be. If the chase of transient worldly pleasures gets too much in my way I could go back to that lifestyle. In the end, I know it doesn’t free me; I’m just delaying the inevitable return and at the end of the road I will be left with a big bag of nothing.
This gets to the crux of the matter and the spiritual journey. Our lives are to be lived in the fires of transformation. Through suffering and the fires of this hell, steel is forged, burning away desires as dross, and tempering this new alloy with the love of the Goddess. Through this incarnation the path leads towards purification of your energetic signature, that in combination with conscious awareness, allows you to become a pure and holy being greater than the gods. By pure and holy I mean energy free of attachment and desire that weigh you down within a form made of love. The form is enlivened by the constant pulsing and transforming energy that keeps the spectre of death at bay. I’ve seen this outcome in vision so though it sounds like I’m nuts, it’s my truth. I’ve glimpsed my destiny and here on earth I walk a path towards that outcome. Within this lifetime we re-discover, transform, and become ready to fly free like the butterfly that drops the caterpillar body.
The lesson for the day was if you want to transcend the behaviours and desires that plague you, you have to extricate yourself from the scene you have trapped yourself in. It’s pretty clear in my behaviour I seek to destroy my cultivated life. I walk on the edge of ruin wondering what it would be like to fall into the abyss; waiting for someone to shove me in so I don’t have to be the bad guy who makes the decision to jump. As long as I remain doing the same old same old then the thirst for liberation and self-destruction will continue. Well, there’s my answer. My teacher was thorough in teaching this lesson; watching me fail over and over again, leading me to the edge of frustration before I realized why I can’t transcend what vexes me. My trade-off for this comfortable life is an inner cry for freedom at any price that keeps bubbling over and just gets worse. It’s like a leaky boat where thinking the hole is going to close up is the real madness. Ignoring the hole gives only temporary mental refuge from the situation. It’s just going to keep getting bigger until eventually you go down with the ship. Destiny proclaims I will leave the boat one way or the other. I can stay on the boat until it capsizes and then struggle to stay afloat or I can jump off the boat before the inevitable collapse, swim towards my freedom, and put destiny in my own hands.
It’s a worthwhile course I enrolled in. I like the no nonsense and tough answers I eventually grasp.
I came across Jordan Peterson on Wednesday talking about sacrifice and it stirred something within me.
I have limited use for Christianity, I’ll bluntly tell you Jesus is an avatar for the weak, however I can talk Christian theology with some good clarity and I understand the lessons of the Bible. I started thinking about sacrifice. In the Old Testament it’s pretty preposterous. Abraham was going to sacrifice his first-born son Isaac in order to curry favour with Yahweh until it was called off at the last moment. It’s what happened; for real. As well, the whole sacrificial system of the Old Testament is based upon sin. The wages of sin is death and as payment to escape the punishment the follower has to give up something of value which evolved into animal sacrifice. Okay, that’s the explanation so that’s out of the way. What intrigued me was the metaphor of giving something up of value in exchange for a boon which is ultimately reciprocity and something I am familiar with in partaking of plant medicines. You ask for something and offer something back in return. Reneging on the bargain is not a good idea as it was also stressed in the Old Testament. The conception of reciprocity does seem to be universal and there is a higher understanding to grasp as opposed to behavioural reconciliation through ritually killing a goat because you didn’t honour the sabbath. Intuition is telling me the absurdity of the biblical stories are pointing to a higher truth much like arguing the existence of Noah's ark is debating metaphor with today's science. That's what is truly absurd. I had a feeling that if I want to free myself of my behaviours I don’t like I need to sacrifice them. I need to recognize I value them however to go forward on my spiritual path involves sacrifice. It resonated deep within but I need to sit with it for a while before making a commitment.
The answers are finally coming. They always come fast when it’s time. I watched a Russell Brand video on Thursday where he described his drug use and hitting rock bottom.
The takeaway for me from the video is how he explained the motivation behind all addictions. Addictions are an unconscious attempt at destruction; to annihilate the self and experience liberation. The filters of the perceived self are destroyed and you become free. That is the impulse behind the progression of addiction. The attempt at self-destruction just needs a vehicle - whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, food, risk taking etc. At first, the behaviour is fun however it eventually is used by the destructive impulse within to free oneself from the clutches of his fellow cultural enforcers.
This was the clearest explanation I have ever had of what I have experienced throughout my life. It’s no mere coincidence that I finally came across this confirmation as I did ask for answers to why I am wired the way I am with a predilection for self-destruction. On Monday morning that voice in my head said it will remain that way until I extricate myself from the life I have created. I was frustrated that I cannot beat the demon once and for all. I’m very good at avoidance however he just lays in wait for the next opportunity.
The demon is the Dragon; he’s the teacher in disguise, and he is one of the many faces of God. It’s a tough course in liberation however once you understand the truth, the destructive power of the Dragon is yours and leads you to destroying the chains that have bound you for so long and for so many incarnations. Once removed, you see God as the liberator and taste the sweet nectar of the vine of freedom.
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