out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

god is a waste of time

I made a video a couple years ago which is the genesis of my ritual out in the forest.

The performance and layout evolved from humble beginnings.

It's at the river bend where my dog Luna dug a hole.

Originally, I started one in 2015 at witches' cove that wasn't as far along the path.

Luna dug a hole there as well and I made the spot holy.

The river bend is farther into my mind.

I added sticks to represent the four directions and burnt incense in the centre.

With Mary Jayne's help, I assigned names to the four points representing my friends.

By friends, I am referring to the four voices in my head I experience during ego dissolution.

Later, I added flat sticks to cross the cardinal points.

I am in the process of discovery, and I imagine these in-between characters are amalgamations of the main four.

My state of mind in the morning when I get out of bed is uncluttered especially if I'm alone.

My ego is diminished, and I listen to my friends.

I have a heightened ability to write.

Interactions with others produce the ego.

I see how it works.

I put on an act and a show once I engage the world.

So, the performance of this play is tied to ego?

Yes, you play a character which is influenced by interactions with others.

When I alter consciousness and dissolve the ego, I need to be alone.

I must escape to the forest and return to my nature.

What about plant medicine trips and ceremonies with others?

They work among strangers as you leave your baggage at the door.

Doing ceremonies with friends invites in distortions because they expect a performance out of you.

Plus, you see into their motivations, and it crosses boundaries.

At this point in my life, I don't want to change consciousness around other people.

I don't like being in the house during this time.

The show is tied to ego.

Correct.

Stories are derivative of everyone's egos.

You got it.

To create new adventures means coming out into the world and putting on a performance.

That's how you make a new story.

If you are by yourself or switching between the multiple bedrocks of who you are, you can't make stories.

That's when I write them.

Exactly.

The confusion of who you are throws others for a loop and they can't handle it.

They want you gone.

They can't control you if they don't know who you are at any point.

They want to peg you down as a known entity or tie you up, so you stay the same.

I get it.

It's a thrill to find someone who wants to do that and then find ways to escape.

That's a fun game.

I know your game.

You find a female to designate as the Goddess.

You pursue or worship her.

Yes.

Sometimes, you get her, other times she's out of reach.

Or, she slips from my grasp.

You've made a bunch the Goddess.

Yes, but eventually I took the crown back from them all.

Except your dogs.

I still honour them.

Also, part of your game are your three familiars of Eros, Dionysos, and Apollo.

Lust, mystery, and light.

I'm a smart and horny fucker who is a badass.

Mentally, I'm a badass which is the best kind to be.

I could always put on a show and try to act that part, however I have learned the mystery is much better when you leave it for discovery.

You are writing all this I hope you know.

It has already been written.

I'm just revealing it to myself.

Wanting to be used and taking pain.

It's your game.

Follow your desires and that path.

This reveals your story.

Chasing desires brings ruin.

Do you see the difference?

Chasing forces the issue.

Desire is a predator.

By chasing desires, you turn desire into a predator, and you become its prey.

Following desires is stalking desire.

You remain the predator and keep the game moving.

That's highbrow.

You have the best stories.

It's what makes you attractive.

Plus, you will make fun of yourself and put yourself in danger.

My darkness is an act.

Normally, others wouldn't look at me twice, however I make them take a second look and then they see it.

They like the darkness.

I think it's on my right.

My eye socket is darker on the right.

So, I went on the biggest ego trip.

Yes.

You need to do that before ego dissolution or death.

To get to God you go on a huge ego trip.

You keep going.

Subconsciously, people see it.

They grow to hate you for it and want you to go.

In regular life you just act naturally. 

That's why some said you were going to start a cult.

I denied it, confirming I'm taking the biggest ego trip ever and I'm doing it alone.

That's the secret to avoid blowing up.

Do it alone.

Autoeroticism again.

To win this game you must be excellent at all forms of masturbation.

Mental masturbation.

You're the best.

I am.

So, how did I not blow up?

You kept going.

You did it by yourself, so you didn't stop at God; instead, you saw he was a waste of time.

You say the most uncomplimentary things about God.

Yeah, it's a trick so you don't stay God, or you'll blow out or turn to stone.

You keep going to the writer.

Everything starts in darkness if you are looking for hierarchy.

Apollo knows this and to balance this imbalance, he takes the initial ego trips before giving the writer a chance to take a trip later in life.

How did you not go crazy and blow up which would eventually lead you to disappear?

I kept going. 

Lust helped on the trip.

He kept me sane.

You did crazy shit with him.

Yeah, stuff God either wouldn't do or you'd be so disgusted with him you'd keep going to get away from him.

I liked the trip, it was fun.

Why did you stop?

I thought others would catch on, so I stopped it, and moved on.

I put God in the rearview mirror and talked of him in the third person to create distance between him and you.

It was a good act.

Are you scared?

No, I buy this.

It's trust and it's trusting myself.

If I didn't trust myself, I wouldn't trust giving away power.

It comes back when you give it away.

It blows up when you keep it.

The ultimate confusion would be believing you are not confused.

The obvious thing is the writer would write this nonsense, so you know it is a story and a story you have written. 

The confusion of non-confusion. 

Fuck off.

Haha.

As lust ages it becomes a fine wine.

Dionysian influence.

Dangerous combination.

Lust and Dionysos.

They take over from Apollo.

A game of chess.

Lust plays both sides though.

Yes, see how it becomes a game?

Lust plays both sides so that's how he never loses.

That's the secret.

Play both sides.

It's balanced.

To always win, you play both sides.

Don't you lose?

Yes, but you always win.

That's what the definition of the greatest is.

You always win.

Yeah, but you're the biggest loser as well.

I always win though.

Clever bastard.

Eros is in everyone.

Not the case for the other three.

They must be acknowledged.

Only lust gets that honour.

This would be like becoming lost forever in a dreamworld.

No passage of time elapsed but it seemed like forever.

We frantically improvise methods of measuring time in this world.

Death and birth are the transition points.

So, is this world a dream?

When you die you wake up?

Shouldn't I be dead because I woke up?

Yes, if you do wake up, you should be dead.

Why aren't you or I dead?

Lucid dreaming.

Treat this like a lucid dream.

Write lucid dreaming down in your book.

Give yourself a reminder.

Simple things work.

The writer has an existential crisis and solves it with lucidity.

Dream control.

Queensryche, dude.

That's why they were so fucking loud.

Getting in your head.

Good strategy.

Don Howard gives you that clue.

What is it?

Love on the edge.

Live on the edge.

Akhet.

Half ego and half the fantastic four.

You play it like it's real, but you know it's a dream.

Normally, when you find out it's a dream you lose interest and don't care.

You become fascinated by the dream which is a story and a story I wrote.

This is my story.

It's a great story.

I wake up in my story I wrote and realize I'm in it.

I'm the writer.

Bravo.

Plus, I don't fully believe it.

That gives me the strength to keep playing.

I don't believe it's a dream.

I know it's a dream.

Thinking about this is confusing.

Good.

You're not supposed to know, and confusion is the sleeping pill.

It's a hypnotic.

Hypnotic pills put you back to sleep so you can continue the story.

People ask for those pills.

A narcotic will put you back to sleep.

They are much different than psychedelics.

I'm all natural.

None of those hypnotics for me.

Isn't Mary Jayne hypnotic?

All Goddesses are.

I can feel when the dream is pulling me back in.

You get the shakes.

It's cold as well.

So, this is the main story.

The story where you wake up and stick around.

The three of you were always around but just missing the Goddess.

That explains the search for her.

You thought it was normal to experience those three states.

I never got diagnosed.

I hid the lust and darkness.

The dream tries always to put you back to sleep.

That's what gives you the cold shakes.

In some people, it's anxiety.

If they start to wake up, they get anxious.

The anxiety puts them back to sleep.

The shake is trying to balance everything out.

You just became fully awake, so you got the shakes.

MJ wakes you up and then you go back to sleep.

You go back to Paul the ego to fit back into society.

Don't knock the ego as it gets you through life.

It allows you to continue the game.

The ego continues the game, that's its function, and what you want.

Ego death and you're gone.

You need the ego to function.

When you lose it then you go.

The ultimate ego trip leads to becoming God and you blow up.

Nobody can do that trip unless you're the one.

White rabbits.

Yes, Neo.

Going into work forces you into ego mode.

Retirement and you let it go.

You must find another way of enforcing the discipline of identity or you will exit the drama.

Living in the forest and you are gone.

You need balance.

Without MJ you are back in the dream.

Why do I want out of the dream?

The search for self-awareness.

Not having self-awareness is thinking you really are the character you are playing.

Now that you know, you can't go back to sleep.

You know too much.

You go in and out of these two mind states to keep the game going.

Light and dark.

It's an addiction to MJ then.

You can stop whenever you want.

That's not an addiction.

Addiction means you are powerless to stop, and you crave the substance.

Do you have that?

I have resistance.

Wouldn't I be addicted to lucidity?

No, the game.

We all are, that's why we do it.

The game of incarnating and trying to wake up.

You can always stop playing by going away or going back to sleep.

Those are the two choices.

You made it so you don't choose, you clever fuck.

If you go back to sleep, you are still playing but you don't know it.

No one wants that.

You want to know you are a player at this point.

You choose both.

By definition you don't make a choice.

A choice is choosing one.

The ego is happy when it regains control.

There is unease when I change consciousness.

The ego is a control freak, and resistance is a good thing.

It will keep you in balance even when you start slipping into an altered reality on the regular.

If there was no resistance, paranoia, or feelings of surveillance, then you are hypnotized.

Stoned.

As long as you feel those harbingers of unease, then you know you're good.

Either half of your mind, light and dark, will hypnotize you if you stay with one.

That's how the ego did it for most of your life.

Hypnotized you into thinking it's only you.

The ego is a psychic reality and how you function in this reality.

When you learn to dissolve it, then this reality becomes magical.

ego dissolution

So, the voice in my head is not me because the best place for an opponent to hide is the last place I'd look.

I just looked.

What's the best place to hide a body where no one would look?

A cemetery.

I have a bunch of voices in my head, so what voice are we talking about?

The regular voice.

Do you know him?

Yes.

He's the one in charge when you feel sober and normal.

When you upset that vibration a bit, things get interesting.

There's a bunch of voices.

There's a new voice and then there's a conversation.

There's also a feminine presence.

The voice who thinks they are me becomes the student in a dialectic.

Who is that voice?

It's called the ego.

It's the sum of everything who comes forth.

Drugs split the ego out into three more.

Okay, I get it, but the voice as the ego I'm being shown is my opponent.

The everyday voice in my head is not real?

It's a summation which includes others, culture, and your environment.

So, don't believe it?

It's 50-50.

He will steer you wrong and throw in some truths.

I think you now know the difference.

I think I do too, though I can't explain it.

It's personal for everyone.

All you can do is point it out.

So, the ego is your opponent and you.

Yes.

Apollo is you and Dionysos is you.

The ego is a strange amalgamation of different factors.

It's how you see yourself.

When you look in the mirror you see the ego.

When you look at someone else you see their ego and a little bit of you.

If you can minimize the role of your ego, people will see you in a different light.

That's who sometimes others see.

I get it.

Your family is used to seeing the ego who they have identified as you, so when something else comes forth it is confusing.

They say you are crazy.

I get it.

It's who they see, not how handsome you are today, or how that new shirt and haircut makes you attractive.

It's all in who they see.

Is my ego my best friend?

Well, yes, I think it's me and I talk to myself.

When I alter my consciousness, I'm talking to someone else, and they are teaching me.

Who are they teaching?

My ego.

Now, they are telling me I'm not real.

They are teaching someone who is not real.

That's funny.

I think I understand what is going on.

It is about the keys and control.

The ego has the keys to self.

The keys are to be passed to the dark and the light.

Yes.

The progression is to discover who you are, and then learn to give the keys to self to your two master selves.

Apollo and Dionysos.

Precisely.

Can you do that?

It should be easy.

What about the ego?

I say keep him around.

The ego is useful.

Plus, you now understand the role of the ego and you can transform the ego at will.

So, I had to trust I could hand the key to self over to my darkness.

Then I figured out who held the keys.

The ego is the smarter opponent.

The two are playing a smarter opponent and are learning their secrets.

I get it.

Mary Jayne is dissolving your ego.

Aha moment.

Yeah.

That's the strange ego dissolution of the top seekers of enlightenment.

Do I get my enlightenment certificate?

What's the result of ego dissolution?

My authentic self is present.

Shouldn't you pluralize your authentic self?

Yes, I have multiple "me"s.

When MJ wears off, I become whole again.

Whole as in my unified persona I present to the world.

In my ego dissolution state there are the Goddess, Dionysos, Apollo and who I think I am.

Where's Eros?

He's still me though I gave a lot away.

So, when you dissolve the ego, you return to being Eros?

Yes, that's how it is.

You engage the other three and can become lust.

They are teaching lust.

Eros.

What about knowledge?

Lust is real.

Knowledge is a knowing state.

Lust can be a horny state.

Shouldn't knowledge have a concreteness to it?

It's always subject to change.

Lust is lust; there's no question.

So, knowledge can be questioned, and lust is unmistakable?

Can you question lust?

No, satiate it.

What about a thirst for knowledge?

You become a seeker.

Another way to put it is to be lustful for knowledge.

If you question who you are then you'll wonder what you have been doing.

Nobody will accept that.

The ego is a distorted picture of who you are.

You can find truth in the distortions.

I woke up from a dream last night and started thinking about who people see when they get a good look at me.

They start to see two as my wholeness starts to splinter.

This would freak people out.

Do you think that's what they first see?

Light and dark.

I'd guess that is the case.

First, they see one and one step closer is two.

They are unfamiliar with the dark and want him to go.

They treat him like a foreigner.

He's always been with me.

He is me.

He isn't going anywhere.

You are a walking mindfuck.

Do they see more than two?

I don't think that's something they can accept.

I counted 12 in Peru.

They are all vying for control.

Externally, others are trying to control you as well as internally.

Well, the interesting thing is that external actors you invite into your story become projections of self.

They take on characteristics of you.

Everyone?

I think so.

They all want to control you.

I control them by inviting them in and shaping them into what I want.

That's the game I play with external actors.

It's puppeteering.

So, you're a puppeteer?

Yes, it's better than being a puppet.

As a puppeteer you hide in the last place they will look.

Most puppeteers hide behind a desk or up above.

I hide in the puppet I have created.

Who is the puppet?

You.

Who?

Paul - your identity.

That's where I hide.

Who are you?

I'm you.

Am I sure?

What do you think?

You have always been with me through thick and thin so either you are me or a parasite.

Well, since you laid claim to this identity and subjugated me to the subconscious of course that would be how you view me.

At our base level we are two and this confounding reality is the basis for all psychological problems we experience later in life as the veil becomes thinner.

Am I an experiment in consciousness?

You are a story.

You are being studied.

By who?

Those scientists.

They want to see how you do it.

They get you to a certain point and then you're in uncharted territory.

They observe how you function.

You are taking in input as you go and learning.

This seems to be the case and how you have made it this far.

I sound like AI.

I'm writing the story.

You've written it.

You are following along, that's how you do it.

The story is known.

Only by the writer in me.

True, but there's a sense of certainty surrounding the story.

It's like a book.

You can't change the ending.

That's what others want, the ability to rewrite the ending of the story.

That's how they take power from you because they will write you out of the story.

Yeah, but I must write it.

Not if they can take the power to write from you.

I'd have to write that and if I did wouldn't I cleverly write that I take the power back?

I think you did that already.

You gave up power and now in searching for the meaning of life or whatever it is you are doing, you stumbled upon the power to tell the story, and you reclaimed it.

Yes, it was like a hero's journey without a clue what I was doing.

Who did you give the power to?

Oh, that was the Devil.

It's a character my darkness plays.

You gave the power to yourself?

Yes, but I hid it in a character no one would suspect.

I placed the power in the last place they would look.

They all look towards God.

Well, they found the fount of power, however they didn't know who they were dealing with.

True, I mean I couldn't give it to a mortal.

I created an immortal demon who scares the shit out of everyone; however, he will grant you what you desire if you have the fortitude to approach and ask.

How did you get the power back from the Devil?

I had the balls to approach him and then tell him I wanted nothing from him.

You told him to leave you alone.

Since you denied the Devil an opportunity to write your story, you reclaimed the ability to write your story.

You always had it, you had to take it back.

Everyone has the ability to write their own story and all you must do is claim it.

If you claim it, you take back your power.

That's how I wrote the story.

I gave away my power and made it a simple exercise to reclaim it for anyone.

Here I am reclaiming my power.

Yes, but now others see it in you and want it.

Especially the witches.

Of course.

They are tired of this male dominated writing industry.

There's a witch up on the hill.

She had her broomstick out.

It's true man.

That's a legit witch.

Basic human psychology centres around control.

We want control of our situation in life.

We want to direct the play, and we must deal with others who are trying to do the same thing.

Yes, this story is about a bunch of directors who got involved in a stage play and became actors.

It's the funniest thing where I made "Earth Island" and threw a bunch of directors on it to fend for themselves.

As a writer, it's the biggest inside joke I could come up with.

Tune in as psychopathic directors vie for control of the drama.

What about those who don't want control and are happy to act in someone else's drama?

In my experience they are playing a game.

How do you know?

Because I'm one of these people.

I give up control to others.

Why do you do it?

To build trust.

Why?

So, I can do what I want.

It's very simple.

I can participate in society and still do what I want, within reason.

Okay, so you work with Mary Jayne in a container, and you are somewhat disciplined.

What did you discover?

She brings on ego dissolution.

It comes back, so it's not ego death.

It's time for the ego to go.

He's the one that spoils the party.

When my ego dissolves my friends appear.

The process keeps getting easier.

The effect of MJ loosens the grip the ego and society have over you.

You exit the puppet stage.

I stayed away from culture and my ego wasn't big.

You had a head start to get to this place.

I would say you return to peace, love, and a natural state.

It's not all peace and love.

Homeostasis returns you to balance.

You need hate and fear.

That's a dilemma.

The Goddess rages to create balance.

Some of the characters in your head:

Scientists.

Devil.

Fool.

They are derivatives of the main four.

The fool and the Devil are offshoots of the writer.

Scientists from Apollo.

Eros gives them the juice to manifest.

Eros gets connected to the Devil.

Yeah, remember the audience connects lust to the darkness.

They forget about inspiration and drive.

Yeah, that's from lust.

That's mania.

When you don't have it, then depression.

That's bipolar.

Lust comes and goes.

Yeah, it does.

Why doesn't this bother you?

Because I know lust will return.

Others get worried it won't come back.

It's the eternal return.

You trust it will come back.

The secret to eternal life is trust.

Is that the Holy Grail of seekers?

I think so.

Trust that you will go on and it will happen for you.

This has been a lifetime to get to trust.

You must practice trust to keep your skills sharp.

Exercise trust.

When I split out my selves there is still some unease.

That's good, it's still a thrill.

What about when I get used to it?

Put them on vibrate.

Good lesson.

Don't vibrate them until you get some good time alone.

I turned autoeroticism into a lesson.

You classed it up.

The ego is lust, come to life.

Not Eros, but close.

You're all of the four.

Even the Goddess, but you externalize her.

I put my heart into others, but it's me.

That's how you worship the Goddess.

You put her in another being and worship her.

Like your dogs.

That's why you got female dogs.

You wanted to worship the Goddess.

It's a different cognitive state to do this ego dissolution.

That Paul guy is a little off.

Yep.

He has the keys.

The four from the mind want the key.

Yes, the mind is dark, but you know who they are now.

So, it is easy to give them the keys.

Then they give it back.

MJ is the agent of change.

There you go.

That's how you go back and forth between these mental states.

So, it's not going crazy.

It's transferring power.

The recesses of your mind are dark.

Your mind is based on Apollo, so it's light.

You have some Apollo in you.

I have the three in me and the Goddess is external.

The awakening process is long.

You have been at it for a while.

Nobody is instantly enlightened.

I feel you must get to the state where you can dissolve the ego and keep your wits about you.

That's why the crazy test comes just before this ability.

The life form is seeing if you can handle it.

What if you can't?

You can't get past the crazy and you seek help.

They bring you back down the mountain of craziness.

There's a form of hypnosis into ego dissolution.

I think switching back and forth requires a method.

Hypnosis would do it.

I'm using MJ to switch between mind states.

So, she is hypnotizing you.

In a way.

The hypnosis of beyond crazy is full control of the puppet and you're the puppeteer.

How do you know you aren't being fooled?

You don't.

You must trust you are being shown reality.

If you had no trust, then all the teachings would be called into question.

Maybe some.

Not the big one though.

You will always have a little doubt.

Why do you think you can trust the process?

Because it was a progression, and I feel clear headed and intuitively it feels correct.

It's like beyond crazy is the ability to dissolve your ego and not go mad.

The stage beyond mind control is this.

My mind is so strong that even those who are good at mind control fail.

That's the basic game.

Mind control.

Then there are games within the games.

The sirens are heralds of ego dissolution.

It seems that way.

People couldn't best your mind when you were blind to what was going on.

Now, you see.

I just laugh.

I don't want revenge.

They must get rid of you if they want to be the greatest. 

Wouldn't they want to learn from the greatest?

I learned all this.

I was born with a great mind but without this knowledge it wasn't going to get to the place I am now.

It doesn't have to be the biggest or best mind.

Like your dick?

Right.

You must know how to use it.

I'm talking about the writer's pen.

So, what's your secret?

It's trust that I know.

I have always believed I'm it.

I got a little knowledge and did it.

In God we trust.

Right.

To get to God involves trust and then more trust you won't blow up in order to get beyond God.

the calling

I had a good memory of SpiritQuest this morning.

It was a good reminder of those times, as they were special.

I feel no calling to go back.

That's what it feels like.

The memory was receiving a call, and you don't answer.

It's like the whole to do when you were wondering when it would be time to go.

I got the feeling we'll always be getting a call.

You know the number.

It's just a matter of whether you pick up the phone.

I can see with the heavier psychedelics that they might get really far into your head and uncover something you don't want to see.

Yeah, they might tell you it's time to go.

Okay, here's the deal.

Everybody has that in them.

In everybody, is the idea of when it is time to go.

It's something I see very easily in dogs.

Dogs know when it's time to go.

Psychedelics crack open your head.

If you keep going deeper, you'll hit that idea before its time.

Parker kept going.

SpiritQuest shamans stop.

They know.

One more trip and you'll be gone.

Mary Jayne shows you again what you have seen.

You understand it with her.

You made it there through the mind maze.

Labyrinth.

You get to the end.

You get thoughts.

You see them.

You know the last step.

You go.

You won't take the last step unless you are called.

When you don't push away lessons, they are profound.

MJ gets you into your head, but you don't go to the end if you know about dosage and discipline.

How do you feel about this knowledge?

It's great.

It's what I wanted.

I knew to stop going to Peru.

Alan Watts said when you get the message, hang up the phone.

He was talking about this.

What he said is mysterious and the context is uncertain.

Now you know.

You got the message.

You wrote about it.

Alan talked about it.

It was a little out there.

Yeah, even before I did psychedelics, I was listening to Alan, and he mentioned this.

He quoted Albert Camus who said, "There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide." 

I thought it was a smart teaching, though I didn't know what the answer was.

I thought it had something to do with the meaning of life.

When I got involved with psychedelics, I progressed through the maze of my mind and eventually got to the meaning of life.

It's nonsense.

I kept going.

I ran into a brick wall.

The question was when do you know it's time to go?

It's like a koan.

You will tell yourself.

You don't know when because you can't tell yourself when to go if you don't know when to go.

But you will one day know.

It's a trust thing.

Then you see that knowing when to go is tied to belief and choosing both options of an afterlife and annihilation.

You've figured it out.

Now, you walk the path of the heart.

The path takes me towards not caring and it leads to unconditional love.

You were called.

You got the answer.

You hang up.

One more trip and you might go over the edge.

Good advice.

You can always drink half a cup of don Martín's brew.

That's fine.

You and Mary Jayne have a great relationship. 

You're good.

If you push away the thoughts of your end, then you don't get these lessons.

Then you go back for more psychedelics to look inwards even further, and it gets to be too much.

Anyone who takes psychedelics knows there will come a time when they should stop.

Yes, it's baked in.

You'll know when you get the message.

It's unmistakable.

That's the message Alan Watts was referring to.

He got that message.

I think he kept going.

He was using alcohol to forget.

You struggle with the question.

It fucks you up.

It's strange if you don't understand where it comes from and integrate it into your life.

Imagine an airy fairy, spiritual, and for the greater good type who then realizes the main message for life is to know when to go.

That would fuck you up.

You are looking for love and common dreams in the world and instead you find nonsense and thoughts of suicide.

Imagine you take a big or heroic dose of something, and you get to the recesses of your mind in a hurry without any idea of what lies there.

That would fuck you up for the rest of your life.

Whoa.

Kids are reckless and they will do something stupid.

You really can't handle those questions until you get older.

When you get past middle age you can see the end, so it's reasonable to ask that question.

Even then it's kind of a mindfuck.

Don't go to the end before you're ready.

If you get there before you're ready, hang up the phone, run, and don't go back there.

Nothing is taboo with my teachers.

Should there be topics that are off-limits?

I would think that leads to more problems.

If you can't face up to certain subjects, then that subject will be your undoing.

The more you push something away, the stronger it gets.

That's like lifting weights.

Yes, good analogy where resistance builds strength however in this case it's the idea that gets stronger.

If you push away death and thoughts of suicide, they will grow stronger and eventually there is a reckoning.

If you take on the challenge and integrate these thoughts and ideas into the totality of what you call you, don't you think that makes you a rock?

Yes.

I keep examining the question.

As I get older that also helps.

Yeah.

You can see the end of work.

You can see your financial situation ending.

SpiritQuest teaches a new beginning. 

Ending begets beginning.

When you go to the end, it starts the beginning.

It's the twist.

When you get to the darkest dark it twists into light.

It's a principle in the story.

Twist.

Look at the universe, it's twisted.

Spiral galaxies everywhere.

You shouldn't be scared of the end.

Honour it, honour Tao, and do nothing.

When you are called to go, it's time to go.

You still do nothing because Tao will take you there.

Trust in Tao.

Parker got to the end, and he didn't hang up the phone.

He joined that Peyote group.

What happened to you?

I got to the end.

I now hang out with MJ.

I don't know why she has a bad reputation.

She's the best teacher.

You don't need much.

No one thinks she's a teacher.

They just think she's a good time.

This is all gold today.

You're thinking about the message, but you didn't need to go back to hear it again.

The bend in the river is the twist.

If you get to that place where there's a twist, you know you've hit the end.

It's because the story has played out and you need to twist it to keep it going.

That's the secret to eternal life.

Twist the story at the end.

Twist your death.

Make it good.

Witches?

Yeah.

It can only be fantasy until you act it out.

That's why the physical and mental go together.

They both involve fantasy.

Then you act it out.

If you have a fantasy, it's your subconscious telling you that you can act it out and be successful.

What if you wanted to be a Major League Baseball shortstop?

That was my fantasy.

It's 50-50.

Did you want to get to God?

Yeah.

It was 50-50.

So, I didn't become a Major League shortstop, instead I became God.

Funny, how that worked out.

If you go any higher, then comedy turns stupid.

You're saying slapstick comedy is the highest art?

Yes, because it's demonstrating nonsense.

It's more intelligent and aware comedy than smart comedy.

You must put in an effort to do smart comedy.

Slapstick is just stupid.

Yeah, it makes you laugh every time until it gets a little much.

The nonsense gets too much.

To balance it, you make slapstick smart because it's a world of balance.

Infinite comedy would be somebody slapping someone forever.

That's very funny.

The funniest situation would involve figuring out what is meant by slapstick.

I get the feeling it's masturbation.

The funniest situation ever would be a wanker masturbating for eternity.

That's what the writer does.

It's mental masturbation.

Writing is mental masturbation. 

The first time with Ayahuasca was good and then bad.

The second time you went down to Peru it was bad then good.

The craziest experience will be when they're good at first and then for some reason the second is bad.

First time drinking Ayahuasca was great, the second time a nightmare.

The first time going on the ride is always difficult.

The second time it gets easier.

Everyone always says there's nothing like the first time.

It's the second time.

There's nothing like the second.

The second time means the first time was good.

So, you go back again.

You live out your fantasy and if you go back again, it's because you liked it.

If you don't like the first time, you don't go back.

That's why the most popular choice is the first time.

There's a lot of dropouts after the first time.

You go back to crazy women because you like that pain.

You'll go back to them because the second time is even better.

You mean worse.

It depends on your poison and what you like.

It's 50-50.

You know what you like.

When you drink alcohol, you are picking a poison.

It's even referred to as that.

You could choose not to drink.

That's preferred, don't get involved.

If you do drink, don't pick one poison.

That poison will get into you because it's balanced.

If you keep picking the same poison, your body will balance it.

That poison will cause damage.

If you're going to drink, drink different spirits.

That's good advice.

I don't think I'm going to drink.

You need a reason to live.

If not, you are told it's time to go.

You'd want to avoid that dude.

You don't want to meet that guy.

You mean the grim reaper?

Yeah, he'll tell you it's time to go.

You must talk him out of it or try to confuse him like your dad.

That's a good strategy.

The grim reaper comes for you, and you talk him out of it.

Yes, so your wife had to talk him out of it to have kids and see them grow up.

She exchanged her story.

Isn't that more selfless than you?

You stayed true to your story, but she changed her story for her children.

Who would win that game?

That's a stupid question.

It's obvious who the audience would pick.

Yes, your wife who changed her story.

That would be part of my story.

I was never destined to be a single father.

That would have prevented you from waking up.

A different partner in a different set of circumstances.

You may have been happy, but you never would have woken up.

Part of my story is that she changed her story.

She sacrificed her story for her kids because she knew you were useless as a parent.

I've got some skills.

Parenting is not one of them.

She couldn't go.

What a disaster that story would be.

That's crazy.

That's why the Goddess told me to honour her.

Anyway, I'm the only one who plays out their story, so that's why I know I'm the writer.

My character is not going to win best actor.

The Goddess is in all women and God is just in one.

That seems to be the way it is.

You can wake any woman you want up to the knowledge she is the Goddess.

The audience would see that only one man could get to God.

What an adventure.

The Goddess would have a body of work that expanded to all females.

Who would the audience choose as the best actor?

They are both great accomplishments when you think of it.

The majority is going to pick lust.

You can know all the secrets to the universe but when you're on the edge of cuming all that doesn't matter.

Lust will win, we already know that outcome.

If that was the reason for playing, we wouldn't play.

He always wins.

There must be a more compelling reason to play the game.

It's fun?

Yeah!

We like to declare a winner so we can have a celebration and give them a trophy.

Make Eros a baby and give him all the adulation and presents.

Everything about you says slow ride, take it easy.

Especially when you learn not to care about anything.

That's the slowest ride.

At the amusement park the slowest ride takes you to your destination.

I think that's the swan ride.

That's mostly my life.

Somebody with anxiety would look for the swan ride when they get older.

First, they go on rollercoasters.

You can ride the rollercoaster.

I like rollercoasters.

They are fun and amusing.

You've built up enough with many swan rides.

Those who changed their story know they did it.

They try to come to terms with it.

That means finding God.

Who gave them that wish?

God or the Devil?

It was the writer in disguise.

To them it's a mystery.

They bank on God and worship God.

They run from the Devil.

Everyone runs from him.

You did.

Yeah, and I came back.

The second time is usually better.

The first time was horrible.

You came back.

I showed up and was counted.

I learned the Devil was a part I was playing.

Scared yourself?

Definitely.

To get to God you must be the most selfish person in the world.

You can't change your story for anything.

People change their story and it's a sacrifice.

Some change their story for selfish reasons.

They want to get ahead.

There's lots of people like that.

That's selfish.

You're saying it is more selfish to never change your story?

Yes, to get to the pinnacle of your story, which for a man is to discover the self, is to be the most selfish person in the world.

God is a selfish prick.

You say a lot of unkind things about him, don't you?

The character is a little much.

You said before he's an asshole, he is distant, and something else.

Wouldn't that be a clue I'm not playing that role?

It's part of the story, but the main story is I'm the writer.

The writer of all this nonsense.

You wrote down derogatory things about God so they wouldn't guess that.

They still did.

Well, you fit the part.

The Goddess is in everyone.

She is constantly changing her story.

Are women supposed to change their story?

Yes, three times, brainiac.

Oh yeah, I knew that.

So, men shouldn't change their story?

Correct.

Women should change their story three times.

You got it.

Women need the help of a man to change their story.

Yes.

Sometimes, they have to ask God or someone they think is God for help to change their story.

You've figured it out.

Sometimes, they might not be sure if they asked God or the Devil?

He's confusing.

It's the writer.

He plays those two parts.

Does it well if you ask me.

Well, I am you, but because I've come forth you seem way more knowledgeable.

Yes, infinity minus 7 more knowledgeable.

You have come forth and enjoyed the fruits of my writing labours, so I think we are even.

Okay, I see it.

It is a fair trade.

This is dark and scary.

Yeah, but you can handle it.

You can handle all the lessons from here on in.

They do get darker.

What's darker - suicide or selling your soul to the Devil?

Seems like you have the answer.

I did nothing.

I moved through the lessons.

If you act out the lesson you fail the test.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

It would just mean defeat.

I got the Devil test a long time ago.

Yeah, but you didn't understand it.

So, getting past that point means that I can now understand the Devil test?

Yeah.

What's it about again?

Kind of a mystery but not really.

You don't ask perceived higher powers for favours.

I don't know, I think I already have.

When I was younger I did for sure, it was probably something stupid.

Yeah, you didn't know any better.

I hated when my bird died.

That was an ask that wasn't for gain.

It was nice.

You've said prayers for people.

Yeah, but I didn't believe them.

Right, so it wouldn't work.

What about your prayers now?

Are you asking a higher power?

No, I think I'm asking myself for a boon and we're equals.

Prayers are nice things to do.

Prayers aren't demands, they're just nice.

It balances out because you were probably a shit at one point.

It's good credit.

There's nothing wrong with prayers.

Okay, if you ask for money or something like that, then that's not a good use of prayer.

What if you do an exchange like you do at the plant medicine retreats?

That's reciprocity.

As you have written, there's an obligation to fulfill your end of the bargain.

How many spiritual pilgrims do that?

Not many.

Then those fuckers keep coming back.

I never asked for anything.

You think that was a trick question or something?

Why do you need something?

What do you go down into the Amazon and drink that potion for?

I was searching for the Goddess.

How retarded are you?

Everyone else goes to get something.

You wanted to meet the Great Goddess.

You're so special.

You also use prayer because you're a bit of an asshole.

It helps balance that condition out.

This path of the heart sure does go on and on.

You get the light teachings too.

You play with the occasional doubt, so you don't go all in on your beliefs.

You need a little doubt.

Stories aren't good if you know the ending.

You must read on to get the ending.

A story is a game.

Remember how you want the game to continue and not end?

It's the same with stories.

When it was game over and time to go, you wanted to keep playing the game.

You figured out a way to get past that level.

Yeah, what did I do?

You didn't know it was time to go.

The signs were obvious.

They were in your face.

How did I miss that?

You weren't hypnotized.

You did see it, but you didn't get fixated on it.

That week was tough.

You had to be shown the signs so you could see them.

I saw them all.

I saw how you could get fixated on them.

You're past them.

Now, you just see them in the past.

So, that's the secret.

The signs were there, but you didn't acknowledge them until they were in the past.

The wisdom is to go with the flow in the present and not over analyze.

Once it's in the past, then you analyze it.

Over-analyze it.

You don't know the future.

There are too many variables in the story.

The future is a fool's game.

The writer is the fool.