truth or trust

What's the deal with human beings?

I asked the question because of a line in the movie "The Matrix" where Agent Smith details to Morpheus how humans are essentially a virus.
Mammals will develop an equilibrium with their environment except for humans who will extract everything they can and then move on in search of something else to plunder.
This ties in with Tao and how the optimum strategy for life is balance and how if you leave something alone it will find the way back to balance.
What drives our aberrant behaviour?
Initially, I thought of greed and selfishness.
I think you can ascribe the qualities to a collective where we come together as a tribe and adopt a position of greed for the collective versus the rest of humanity.
We cloak our avarice in community and use the power of the group to get what we all want.
We distribute the gains among our group and make sure everyone bows down to the patriotic concept of the group.
You are describing a country.
Yes, and how you are expected to sacrifice your life for that country.
You get your reward if you play along.
I lucked out in terms of war where there was a respite between battles among nations while I was of fighting age.
Yeah, you incarnated at a good time in history.
Was that an accident?
Do you think you would have discovered the meaning of life if your head was blown off?
Well, no, but a disability might have quickened the process.
Just as being born in a war-torn country would have altered your existence.
You'd be focused on survival instead of getting up in the morning and making sure the coffee maker is on the correct setting for your morning brew.
Everything comes with a price.
The price leads you back to balance.

What is life?
You mean what are we doing as a species, don't you?
Yes.
I think you see it.
It's all a strange act and we are mostly hypnotized.
I think even if you aren't hypnotized you wear a suit to signal that you are willing to play the game.
Get a haircut, shave, tidy yourself up, put on a suit, and away you go.
I want to say it's funny but there's something deeper about the whole show.
It's not who we are.
Who are you?
Essentially, a barbarian.
I would have accepted libertarian.
I see it when I go for a walk in the woods.
The catalyst is the Goddess.
The feminine force is wild and unkempt.
It's fucking strong.
It's majestic.
The forest is her.
The jungle as well.
That's the first thing you were shown when you initially drank Ayahuasca.
11 years later and you clearly see it.
It took a while.
Well, there's a lot of varnish on the mirror I use to interpret what it is I'm seeing.
I'm grateful I got to a point in my life where I saw it.
The suit is your mask.
The mask of the Greek dramas was a little much, so we came up with a suit.
It's clever.
Do you think everyone has an intention that revolves around greed?
It's necessary to survive.
Without it, you easily perish.
There are extreme forms of greed and that's the path humans as a collective have chosen.
I will ask you how you perceive this in yourself because I know you will answer the question honestly.
Yes, I have become more truthful to myself.
To others, not so much.
I don't know if that's the answer to the question of truth, but I'd guess it is.
To be blunt, it's the way.
Don't lie to yourself.
What if you were truthful to others?
I'd be alone and taken advantage of.
Truth is a negative.
Yeah, we have done this lesson.
There is no truth, only belief.
Okay, but what about reality and what I have done?
You can spin it, or you can tell it like it is.
You can hide it.
It's all part of the drama.
Is it a moral failing of me to not live in complete truth?
Are you expecting a reward?
Mostly a punishment.
From who?
Someone external.
Who?
God or the Devil will spank you for your failures.
Okay, who are they?
Aspects of self.
I already did that lesson.
There's nothing compelling you to tell the truth.
Stories are based on lies.
That's harsh; I'd say concealment and deception.
Isn't that worse?
Stories come from the darkness and not the light.
Life comes from the darkness.
When you are ready to end your story, tell the truth.
Oh, I see.
The secret to eternal life is to lie.
You can word that better; that might turn people off.
The secret to eternal life is to continue your story.
Yes.
How do you do that?
You spin a yarn.
A tall tale.
Stories are based on beliefs which you craft through deception and misdirection.
Apparently, I'm good at it.
Yes, you are a master.
Okay, I was thinking of something else before this sidetrack.
Live in truth to yourself.
Don't deceive yourself or you will be a victim of hypnosis.
Balance the truth with your interactions with others.
Are you greedy?
I'll eat the last piece of pie.
I've earned it.
I think I'm balanced in terms of greed and being of service.

There's reality.
Truth is a hammer used to destroy you.
We all have a weak spot, and truth is used to bludgeon you where you are vulnerable.
I'm sort of uncomfortable with this.
Why?
Because I have been taught to tell the truth.
Who taught you to tell the truth?
My parents and society.
Do they always tell the truth?
No.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Why do they not always tell the truth?
Self-preservation or to gain an advantage.
Lies and deception shape reality.
Reality is what we believe.
Truth is a concept that will only work if everyone is truthful.
One lie and the concept of truth can be taken advantage of.
So, in the game you try to discover others' truth and then use it to your advantage?
That seems like a strategy.
I'd file it away and not use it as a sword of Damocles you dangle in front of someone.
If you use truth as a blunt instrument, people will abandon you.
Truth is useless in a world where others practice deception.
Not necessarily, you can use truth to gain trust.
Why do you gain someone's trust?
So you can take advantage of them.
That's a terrible way to view life.
Yeah, I see that.
Okay, what about dogs or animals in general?
You must gain their trust if you are going to have a good relationship with your dog.
It's easy to do if they are puppies; the older ones take more work, but it can be done.
If there is no trust, there's no bond.
With trust, the bond is super strong.
Yeah, it's been hard to let go when the time comes.
The bond I have had with dogs is the most rewarding thing I've experienced in life.
It was based on trust.
Not the truth.
What is the truth to a dog?
Not much.
What is trust to a dog?
Everything.
Is trust accessible through truth?
It can be.
What is trust?
Trust is dependability and that you will try your best to support them.
Sometimes you lie to others in order to protect someone you have invested trust in.
It's called having their back.

In order to experience trust, you must plant seeds of doubt in your head.
If you had no seeds of doubt in the garden, you could not grow trust.
Trust needs the darkness in the soil to blossom.
This is the garden of the Goddess.
She gave you the gift of doubt so you would be wary of your darkness.
Your darkness will do the things she told you about if you do not trust the darkness.
Do you see the predicament you are in?
Yes, it's a twisted pickle.
I like that.
The twisted pickles.
You trust the Goddess to sow doubt, and you trust the darkness to blossom when you feed him.
The darkness will become the light.
What do you see in nature?
The darkness becomes the light, and the light returns to the darkness.
How many times have I failed this lesson?
What's the story of scraping off the top of the mountain with a silk scarf until it is reduced to nothing?
It is a metaphor for a long time.
So, you are saying I am on the precipice of mastering the lesson in trust?
Yes.
That's unbelievable.
For sure.
I mean why you and why now?
I see the lessons in the curriculum which lead to this question, and I know how it would trip me up over and over.
In order to pass this course, you trust the Goddess and the darkness.
What trips you up every time is the Goddess tells you the darkness will stop at nothing to trick you and steal your power.
I believed her and didn't trust the darkness.
The lack of trust led to your multiple failures.
I didn't know that she was sowing the seeds of doubt so that I would have to trust the darkness.
I get the feeling trust is transformational.
Yes, that's a big part of the lesson.
Putting your trust in someone will profoundly change you both.
It's how you make darkness, light.
You trust.
It's alchemical.
If you do not trust your inner darkness, then you will succumb to your lack of trust.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The darkness is good exercise.
Yes, you worked up to it.
How is your mind?
Powerful.
You must trust the darkness and being out in the woods.
I don't know about that.
Can you trust the darkness?
Then you trust the darkness even though you have doubts.
That's the winning formula.

Humans fall into patterns of behaviour which are comfortable and lead to hypnosis.
Sounds like a relationship.
Yes, a relationship leads to hypnosis.
Is that trust?
False trust.
True trust is not trusting and still trusting.
Clear as mud.
Confusing.
Trust is freeing.
You have no trust, and you trust.
When you let your dog Luna off leash you didn't trust her.
You still did it.
What is that?
Trust in freedom.
You don't want to possess so you let them go.
You trust they will come back.
If you chase you will lose.
Luna taught you that.
You don't chase.
Let them come back to you.

ramblings

It's fascinating that this is all a dream.

Story.

That definition helps with comprehension.

It is an illusion.

So is a story.

Drama, play, or game.

All acts. 

Different ways to play.

Remember to play. 

You can treat life as a drama or a game.

Get it?

Yes.

What about when I'm awake?

You're the writer and taking in ideas.

You'd write that you still must subconsciously write in your story.

This spills out into consciousness.

I'm full of words and write down the spillage.

Word ejaculation.

Everything is derivative of a sexual metaphor.

Seems that way.

What if cannabis wasn't legal?

I'd have to find another method of awakening.

What other methods?

Plant medicine ceremonies.

The problem is it's a cycle of work once a year with those plant medicines. 

Mary Jayne is a daily dose.

It's a maintenance dose.

2.5 mg is.

That's what micro dosing is.

They want into the headspace without the crazy side effects.

I think there's an ego dissolution threshold which micro dosing won't get to.

They mistakenly think this will get them to where they want to go.

Some do it for advantage or creativity.

They want to tap into it.

The continued use of ego dissolving medicine will make you crazy.

It's by design of the medicine.

It's one of the tests to see if you can handle ego dissolution.

If you can't handle it, it's death, and you go.

That's a step too far into the abyss.

By abyss you can substitute labyrinth.

Going crazy is the key to changing your story.

You get to a point in the game where you need to change your story because you fucked up.

Right, so you go crazy and change it.

I thought you weren't supposed to change your story?

Technically, you didn't.

You did nothing, which is crazy, and so your story changed.

Yes.

You trust in doing nothing.

I changed my story with psychedelics.

Yes, by doing nothing.

You were offered it all, and you did nothing.

They are tests and by doing nothing, the teachers become allies.

How did psychedelics change my story?

They set you on the path to God which brought you here. 

They woke you up.

A knock on the head.

A calling.

It's an alarm.

The bells go off and finally you answer the call or shut off the alarm.

Some do and go back to sleep.

Or, they set up multiple alarms.

Mine goes off and I get up.

Especially with the dogs.

I was good at that.

You wake up and change your story.

Then you go back to sleep.

You ignored the calls, didn't do anything, and then waited until now to wake up.

I did it naturally.

Not rushed. 

So, another key is to wake up naturally.

Do you think you did that?

Yeah, it's taken a while.

It seems like a proper passage of time.

You could have woken up 11 years ago, but you took your time.

Waking up on your own time without an alarm is the flow.

You're awake, that's why no more big plant medicine ceremonies for you. 

Do you wake up twice?

If you are awake, can you wake up?

It would be another reality.

Why the resistance to changing habits?

Habits are in balance.

Go to bed and wake up at the same time.

Eat regularly.

All this routine puts you back to sleep.

Being awake is crazy then.

Sort of.

You must create an imbalance to awaken, however too much and you go crazy.

By creating a container which allows you to awaken daily, you have figured out the key to your desire to win the game and simultaneously keep it going.

What is the cause of misogyny?

What can trigger it?

Women who accuse men of harbouring this condition are looking for confirmation.

I think I was correct in asserting they have a resentment of men.

It's because men are in control of the world and women want this power.

This leads to their behaviour.

The accusations of misogyny sometimes come from a vacuum.

There needs to be more balance in how women are perceived.

I was naive most of my life and though I ran into women with questionable behaviour towards not only men but other women, I still pedestalize them.

I thought men were the problem for the most part.

I think there is equal blame.

It took me a long time to recognize women are a cause of misogyny.

Their behaviour could make you a misogynist.

It's destructive and nonsensical.

I was able to accept half the blame and carry on.

Things happen before I realize it.

That is the key to not writing the story but knowing about it.

You recognize the story after it happens.

Of course you do, you wrote it.

If you could write what is to happen then you'd know beforehand.

You'd be a fortune teller.

So, that's what they have?

They recognize the story before it happens.

You recognize it after it happens.

They can't change it.

You know the story because you're the writer.

Your other half knows the story.

I can't tell you.

I'm sworn to secrecy.

You can recognize it after it happens.

All you can do is guess based on what you'd write.

First, I'd write that I live to the ripe old age of 96 and make women the ones who give me the strength to go on living because they are always trying to kill me.

I must keep on my toes.

Finally, they got me at 96.

I'd had enough of that game by 96.

The audience loves that story.

It's possible then.

I was thinking about the witch sacrifice story where I'm still relatively young.

Like 69.

I twist that story at the end.

Are those the two most likely stories?

I think so.

I could also write women out of my story.

Do you think you'll do that?

Probably not.

Really there are three choices.

Well, I won't choose because I can't.

I'll just see which one it is leaning towards.

If I had to guess I'd say the witches' story.

It's preposterous and twisted.

Plus, the witch on the hill clue the other day.

What if that was a witch planting that idea in your head?

Then it was.

Witches have all the ideas.

I found out the reason.

Good call.

It's just a guess but I think it will be the witch story.

That one resonates the most.

The old age one is good though.

What about the dog story?

There are 7 stories - the witch is one and the dog is one.

Old age isn't one?

No, different timelines.

You need stories which fit the 69 timeline.

You're an idiot.

There's a sexual metaphor.

What is it?

You are licking her big dirty cunt at the same time she is blowing you.

Thank you for the explanation.

Do you know the 7 stories?

I have the themes.

I can make out the stories and where they fit into the 7 stories.

They must have a 7 basis.

The ritual ceremony today I was close to getting it correct.

I took a step that was in the wrong direction.

I went around.

Got called out.

I think when I finish the ritual every story will be true.

Or false.

What would you write?

Odds are 50-50.

Yes, that's it.

I see.

Half the stories are true.

What if there were three?

Stories must be an even number, or they aren't balanced.

They are in an odd container.

Yes, 7 stories and inside the container everything is balanced.

That's how you balance the 7.

The odd.

You balance it with a world of 7 where everything is strangely and evenly balanced.

That's odd.

Exactly.

In this world everything will balance when you let it be.

Everything must balance.

You know how annoying it is when your table legs are not balanced?

Yes.

That was my inspiration for a lot of this book, and I made it so everything has to balance.

It was a cheap table at a pizza place which inspired a lot of this story.

Here's a question: do you think women are malicious or this is just what they do?

They're crazy because this is their normal behaviour. 

It's right in your face.

This is who they are.

All marriages are doomed.

If you recognize them for who they are it will make more sense.

If you deny what a woman is then you will never understand them.

Men project a false illusion of women.

Our ignorance causes distortion in women.

When left to their own devices they revert to who they are.

They are monsters.

You are a terrible writer.

It all works though.

These monsters hide, however women see them.

I'm the hunchback laughing at this story.

That's the monster story.

You wrote all women are monsters in disguise.

That's what the makeup is for.

I bet Leviathan was a woman like Tiamat.

Yes, so Yahweh slayed Leviathan, and he became God who was worshipped for slaying the beast.

The Levi priests keep Leviathan asleep so God can reign.

That is the myth.

Eventually, the Leviathan wakes up and battles God.

Religious story here.

Story fits in the witches' realm as well.

Yes, Leviathan is a witch like the dragoness at Delphi who Apollo had to slay.

Is Apollo God then?

Sort of.

The basis of these religions was a god such as Marduk who subdues the monster to symbolize that women are monsters.

That's the deep religious understanding behind those religions.

Women are monsters.

I'm not saying this is the case; I'm interpreting myths.

They paint their faces to trick us.

We fall for it.

This story gets too stupid when I make women come from aliens who tried to emulate men but failed to get the cock correct so they don't have one.

There's no substitute for a penis.

You recognize a monster because they don't have a dick.

Well, that's true.

A shemale is a man trying to cosplay a monster.

I think the term now is transexual.

The alien story is a little much.

Women are needed to keep the game going.

You need more heroes and monsters to play.

How about we call them cunts?

Okay, you cock.

Why are we fighting?

You wrote women are monsters.

Not literally.

In some stories it's literal.

I do see the connection to their behaviour.

How does God beat the monster?

He marries her.

Give her a ring and a promise.

Men always break the promises, so that turns them into a monster. 

That or kids.

Kids will turn a woman into a monster.

A big hippopotamus.

Like Tauret?

Yes.

Thus, the marriage will fall apart.

Kids or broken promises make her a monster.

Then comes the divorce.

If you don't want them to be monsters, be faithful, and don't get them pregnant.

A woman's chief goal in life is to become a monster.

Career women look for a new way to bring out the monster.

You go crazy when you believe the stories.

You go half and half in believability of the stories to survive the pressure on your mind.

You drink half and half cream to survive because it reminds you of the split.

Why is it called half and half?

I don't know.

Apparently, it's half milk and half heavy cream.

Heavy cream is 35% and half and half is 10%.

In this world 10 is half of 35.

Correct.

What does that mean?

You are being fooled.

That's the simplest answer though there must be some hidden mystery behind it.

Profits?

So, about 31% of the stories are true?

Or, the opposite.

69?

Right.

Your math is off.

It's about 28.5%.

That's like the moon cycle.

Yes, so you know these stories come from the Goddess.

Yes, I know that.

I write them.

The lunar cycle takes 29.5 days to complete.

It takes the moon 27.3 days to orbit the earth.

So, she's off?

Yes, a little off for sure.

How about this information:

A solar year is 365 days and a lunar year is 354 days long. After every 33 years, they align. 

That 33 year marker to align cycles.

Just like the story I wrote at Chavín de Huantar tripping on Huachuma.

Half and half cream to get this knowledge reveal.

Women want your resources, so they cast a spell on you.
They use sex and cooking a lot.
You are satisfied and give them what they want.
I cook for myself.
Power move.
What about the death spell?
They try to bring you to the height of pleasure and then drop you over the cliff.

They want to get you lost in your own mind.
Who?
Your opponents.
Everyone else in the game.
Collectively, they are smarter.
It's you against the world.
Keep everyone separated and you win.
If humanity comes together, they will win.
So, I'm responsible for separation.
We all are.
We all want to win the game.
You won the game and kept it going.
You are awake and see the game and somehow you let them continue to play.
Yes, so I can play too.
Remember to play.
It's a major theme in my story.
I'd have to be stone dumb to not see that.

The twist at year 69 is the witch awakens just as the sacrifice is to take place.

That is what you would write.

She sees it is just a story and takes control of the story.

What will she do with that power?

Tune in to find out.

She finally gets the power and realizes she must keep you around as the writer.

She tells you what to do.

It becomes her story as long as she can keep you alive.

Instead of trying to kill you, she has to do the opposite.

She frantically tries to keep you alive with every trick she knows.

Just like her death spell, eventually you break free of her alive spell.

Shouldn't she have cast that spell first if she wanted me gone?

Yes, that was her mistake.

You'd resist the alive spell by going.

So, women who make you feel alive are dangerous?

Yes, they are either going to get you under their spell because they are what keeps you alive or they will see your demise as you fight their spell.

That's more clever.

So, what happened?

She tried to crush you, and you are alive because you broke the spell.

She will cast an alive spell to keep you alive now because she is selfish.

Yes, she is a selfish monster.

Selfishness will be revealed in all women if you take the story to its logical conclusion.

You really are a piece of shit.

A polished turd.

the devious mind of a writer

We place a filter over reality.

This was how my dream ended this morning before I got up.

I had a choice of look up tables to place over my senses depending on how I wished to see the world.

This coincides with what Mary Jayne was teaching me concerning being out in the woods and the energy being the same.

I saw the deer however I knew they were from a magical realm.

The magical realm is a different reality.

If you tell someone this, they will look at you funny because we are all programmed to see the same reality.

This is from a lesson on vibration with Huachuma back in 2017.

It involves locking to a frequency and how we all lock to the same frequency.

You can adjust your vibration and learn not to get stuck in one.

Come in and out of different realities.

Reality is what you are sensing.

What you can sense has many possibilities.

You can see how others live in a different reality.

Your parents live in a reality controlled by a god who they think is going to end the world soon.

They might be onto something.

Anyway, it motivates their worldview.

They have stacks of cash in their house lying around to take with them when it's time to go.

Where do they think they are going?

Who knows?

That's awesome.

They achieved that without drugs.

They act like someone on drugs.

That's true because drugs show you a different reality.

Reality is based on a story you want to participate in.

The key is to not get stuck in one story.

I'm partial to the witches story and I've noticed the last couple days I haven't been playing that story.

I did a little surveillance yesterday along with a trust lesson.

You also worked on your backstory.

There are many realities to play with.

It's not dull.

You figure out someone's weaknesses in order to exploit and defeat them.

They could be a narcissist and be able to be taken down with flattery.

You give them what they want.

You keep feeding and hooking them.

Isn't this what you do to a dog?

You feed them and they keep coming back or they stick around.

A human family must be strange at first to a dog.

Hypnotize a dog with regular meals.

It's like anything, you give the opponent what they want.

In terms of a dog, they aren't your opponent, but the method is the same.

I'm telling you in a game with another human or an entity, they will feed you what you want in order to control you.

Is that what women do?

Yes, they give you access to their pussy.

You keep coming back for more and then the cost is inflated once they have you hooked.

They treat their pussy like a drug they are giving you.

Pussy dealer.

Well, it seems like you can become disillusioned with women when you figure out their game.

That is a distinct possibility.

It's why when they think the game is over, they will call you a misogynist to get out in front of the fact they were playing you and you are going to figure it out.

To domesticate an animal, you trap them in a role.

You put them under your control using food and shelter.

It's the oldest game in the world and everyone falls for it.

A dog is a wild animal who has been convinced they are not and instead is reliant on an owner.

A pussy whipped man is a man who has lost touch with masculinity and is under the control of a woman.

I can see why you are called a misogynist.

A misogynist is a man of knowledge.

You want to know, so here's the lessons.

They are uncomfortable and make you think twice.

It's protection.

You can play again, this time knowing what's going on and protecting yourself.

You seemed like easy prey last time.

Yeah, what an idealist, while hidden was my own monster.

I play along because I want to play.

I play others' games because they won't play mine.

You have no game.

That's true.

I give the other the home field advantage by playing their game.

My mind wants someone to play, and I let them dictate all the rules of the game just so I can play.

A predator will chase desires and that's the fatal mistake.

Desires clue you into how to win the game.

Desires act as prey you chase and once you get a little taste of that desire you chase, the desire flips and becomes a predator, and you are its prey.

You are claiming that those who are prone to addictive behaviours are predators who chase desires.

That's what I'm saying.

They get trapped in a cycle where they continually lose though they think this time they will win.

This time it will be different.

It defines all their relationships.

Some of the great game players know this and get you to chase them.

My mind is unbeatable unless you can destroy it.

They try to destroy it with drugs, but they just make it stronger.

They label you as crazy.

I clearly see now how people are nuts.

If you get scared of the dark, you are losing your mind again.

Being scared of the dark is how you know what mind state you are in.

If you are in ego sleep mode, you are afraid of the dark.

If you are good with the dark, you are in an altered state and the altered state is who you are.

The four.

Consensus reality is where you lose your mind.

There's an overlay on your mind.

Superego.

Yes, and that's what tells you to go.

The superego is the cause of most suicides.

Society lets you know it's time to go.

It's not your call at that point.

They tell you time is up.

Is that why you told me if I continued on this path of freeing my mind, I'd end up walking in front of a train and killing myself?

Yes, it was a warning.

You assumed your darkness would send you on a path to perdition.

Now, over 11 years later and still walking that path you see it's society that wants to get rid of you when you make it this far.

They cast you out.

It's what civilizations do, they create outcasts.

Imagine giving them the middle finger?

That's what I did.

Of course, I'm powerful.

I gave culture the middle finger and the reason I know I succeeded is I'm still here.

If you went back to sleep, you'd have to go.

They keep the knives sharp for your return.

Mental knives.

The witches have a physical knife.

I can't go back to sleep.

There's no way.

They'd need some serious sleeping pills for that to happen.

They have tried everything.

Who?

Scientists.

They try to put you back to sleep but the heavy narcotics to get you there will kill you.

Society tried burning, sacrificing you on a cross, and locking you up.

Have they tried castration and emasculation?

No, that's next.

That's how they will try and put you back to sleep.

Stop with the stories when they cut your dick off, and you go back to being a nobody.

Don't you need an ego for stories?

To act in them, yes.

Write them, no.

Most people sleep through their performance.

There's nothing that says you can't be an actor even though you know you are acting.

Everyone else doesn't know they are acting.

If you know you are acting and you are not scared of the dark, then you know you are awake.

Castañeda and Coelho picked power when they got to that point.

They thought the ring was theirs to grab.

You left it alone.

You are content with mediocrity.

The mediocre god.

Writer.

Mediocre writer.

Indeed.

allies

Trees are ideas.
When they fall over in the forest, they make you change your path.
When ideas topple and fall on you, they kill you.
Like a tree.
Ideas can be fatal.
The idea of self?
Yes, so when that idea falls it might kill you.
You toppled that tree slowly.
Getting to God and losing the idea of God was done methodically.
The tree didn't fall over suddenly and kill you.
Even a branch of an idea can kill you.
Widow-maker.
Get lost.
This is "A" level wisdom.

Does Mary Jayne clean the mirror of self?
She gives you sight.
Huachuma clears the mirror.
He shows you the unvarnished truth.
Can I get Tobacco to activate Huachuma?
Yes.
You didn't have sight with Huachuma.
Sometimes, I'd have visions of what was to come.
MJ gives you sight, especially of a witch.
Huachuma cleans the glass.
I couldn't clearly see, and I didn't know I could until MJ.
That was for the best.
You stayed a student longer because you weren't tempted by the rewards which are powers.
If the drug can't hypnotize you, you get powers.
That's why all these people want to drink the potion.
Especially at SpiritQuest with don Rober.
They want powers.
Sorcerer plants.
They all can be.
I have a bunch of powers.
You always did.
You couldn't see them.
That's how you got the most power and got to God.
You didn't see your power.
If you saw those powers, you'd fall into temptation to use power.
You collect all the Pokémon before realizing you are playing Pokémon Go.
How retarded were you?
You kept drinking plant medicines and didn't know you were gathering power.
What were you doing?
They opened my mind, so I was exposed to different worlds.
It was exciting to see all these realities.
I didn't know about power.
Don Howard would talk about it.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
Anyway, I filled up with power, had the most, became God, and survived the blast of power because I couldn't see it that well.
Now that the blast is over, I see it.
The trick to winning the get to God as the most powerful game is to place the gift of seeing as the last power you acquire.
It's knowledge of who you are.
You go and collect all the power available then activate it with MJ.
MJ is last power to acquire.
Yes.
She shows you the power.
She shows you how to get even more if you want it.
However, you know you have the most power at this point so you would see the other powers and know how to decline them.
They give you more power but at a cost.
You can use Tobacco to mimic their power and then acquire it.
Yes, with coca leaves.
You don't automatically get a power.
You must battle them.
You wrote a story about Pokémon.
Yes.
Catch and battle.
So, Pokémon is the plant medicine path?
Yes.
Power, The Matrix, and Pokémon.
Oh boy.

The heron doesn't know yet you can see it.
It's curious how you made it this far.
Welcome to the magical world.
The gift of sight.
Level up.
No one tried before because to get to God, you must know you have the power.
You left it until last.
How could you possibly get to God without power?
People kept noticing it along the way.
You kept going and they were amazed.
How do you do it?
The power of no power.
Everyone shows you they don't have it.
By deduction you are the only one left.
You didn't know you were powerless, and you didn't see the power.
You subconsciously knew you were powerful, and you kept it to yourself.
That's how you did it.
Fist bump.
What are you going to do now?
Nothing.
Have a smoke.

So, you have the most power and you are a mediocre and lonesome loser?
That's right.
That doesn't add up.
If you added things up, you'd blow.
If you had power and an amazing lifestyle, you'd blow up.
If you have power and a nothing lifestyle, you are in balance.
Wouldn't you want to lose everything to balance this power out?
Yes.
That's why you don't grab all the power, Pokémon, or plant medicines.
You leave them on the table for others and to balance your power, you live a mediocre life.
However, you will win.
I'm still playing.
Yes, you won't end it even though you are the most powerful.
So, it keeps going.
I think we talked about this a while ago.
The witches want you to end it and they want the power.
If you end this world, it will become a dog's world and no one wants that, so they won't end it until they can take your power first.

Ayahuasca figures you out in a cycle of work and then puts the hammer down.
She's not your ally if your intentions are in question.
You did the best you could against Lady Datura.
The shaman shook your hand.
Your head took a knock with her.
You must sometimes work with them more than once to battle.
Except for Lady Datura, she's a crazy one, and once is enough.
Kambo crowned you after one battle.
I got the purple frog.
Royalty.

You must accept this reality, or you must accept you are crazy.
I'll do both.
When you accept you are crazy, it's not a problem.
When you fight it, it's a problem.
Do both.
You need a little resistance.

Pain pills are narcotics.
They put you to sleep.
Numb and stone you.
What about alcohol?
You were able to stop that battle.
Tobacco?
Respect and a thirst for knowledge.

People who see power use it for gain and it becomes less powerful.
You didn't use your power.
Now, you see it.
Will you use it?
No.
And yes.
Offensive no, instead for protection.
Or, not at all.
If you use it, then it's for protection.
If used for gain, you become vulnerable.
Especially to other predators who will see your weakness and that weakness is the pursuit of power.

Darkness triggers thoughts of running.
I have Peyote and coyote allies from the night out in the desert.
The darkness is a strong ally like the light.
They protected you from predators of the night.
Self-defence used to thwart attacks.
Part of my mental strength is that I don't let something go.
Eventually I will, but I play it out.
What if you meet your end in the dark?
Then you aren't the one, Neo.

Creation is created.
Nothing happens.
The wind stirs things up and gets the production moving.
The wind causes a vibration.
A ripple.
The changes brought about by wind forces you to do something.
The spinning of celestial objects creates change.
The wind is the breath.
Without the breath you exit this reality.
The breath is the key.
To what?
This reality.
With no air in your sails, you can float off into another dimension.
Don't you need air to sail?
Yes, in this dimension.
Other dimensions are accessible through altering the breath.
You can't stop the breath, or you will be done, however you can play with the breath.
I think the spiritual people call it work while the fetishists call it play.
Who is closer to the truth?
It's 50-50.
With breath-play you can cum in another dimension.
That's pretty appealing.
So, wait, you can have a multi-dimensional orgasm?
Yes, you can cum in different realities.
I think you knew that.
We have all had a wet dream where you make a mess in your pjs and feel it in different worlds.
Orgasms can transcend boundaries of time and space.
Seems like it.

I'm annoyed today.
I've gone from depressed to annoyed.
It's all part of the miserable package.
If you drop lust on it that will help a lot.
That's how you got through middle-age depression.
I poured lust gas on it.
It did get me through.
Don't knock it.
So many challenges throughout life that you must survive.
It's a gauntlet to get here.
Something is always coming for you.
Depression, making bad choices, monsters feeding on you and then trying to discard you.
You're a survivor.
For sure.
You got out alive and in one piece.
Thanks to my allies.
Plants, gods, goddesses, and animal spirits.
I get bored and look for another monster who wants to play.
There's always lust.
How about a lustful monster?
Perfect, found one.

MJ will addict you to seeing.
Clairvoyance.
Also, the stoning part.
Yeah, that's how she gets most of her victims to surrender.
Witches are addicted to seeing.
Will that addict you?
Knowledge leads to seeing.
How much knowledge do you need?
I know what I see is 50-50.
Yes, they know that as well, but they like to see all the possibilities and then the confirmation.
They act on the confirmation.
You do nothing and they can't confirm anything.
Witches try to confirm their visionary knowledge all the time.
You confuse them with your darkness.
It's hard to see in the dark.
MJ likes you.
You got past all her tests.
Now, she gives you sight.
Allies unlock power.
That's their appeal and addictive power.
We all want power.
Women want to unlock the witch who can see.
Fucking fortune tellers.
The witch in women is MJ?
Yes, in a way.
MJ gives you clairvoyance and what they do with it shows their character.
Got it.
Is the acquisition of your ally a result of addiction?
That's why you drink alcohol so you will know the difference between an ally and an addiction.
An addiction will kill you.
An ally will help you.
I feel I have been threatened lately.
Well, you can see it now.
Couldn't I attribute that to MJ?
Do you think it was?
If you take too much you will end up with that question of why many want you gone.
Okay, will alcohol addiction kill you?
Yes.
There's no question.
Do you have a question with MJ?
Yes, I question whether it is addictive or not.
Don't you think that resistance is what is needed to prevent addiction?
Yes.
It's so I don't buy in fully and keep it balanced.
So, an ally is before addiction.
Yes.
Alcohol loosens you up and helps you be social.
That's a power.
It's an ally before addiction.
You go too far, and it becomes an addiction.
This knowledge is the bomb and a wisdom teaching.
So, I'm not addicted to MJ?
No, you're on your way.
She's an ally but definitely could get addictive.
Especially to see into the future, past, and people's motivations and hidden secrets.
That's what is addictive.
That's why most people will use it again even if they try to quit.
They want to see into others' lives.
They can't give that up.
Wouldn't you want that power all the time?
You got that power and were shown it yesterday.
Wouldn't you want to use it all the time?
No, I think the teachers can entertain me in other ways.
I don't always need to be a fortune teller.
Right.
You know what the curriculum with MJ involves and you want it all.
If you focus on one thing you will get anxiety.
If you focus on only seeing, you will get anxious and nervous.
You could convince yourself MJ is only good for seeing and forget all her attributes.
That's what happens with ideas about women that a lot of men hold.
Soon you see them as good for only one thing.
That's a good way to get pussy whipped.
Yes, that's why they do it and learn to take advantage of it.
With MJ the one thing would be seeing.
I know you are much more.
I said it already and called you a great teacher - the greatest.
I have defended your honour when they call you weed.
I'm your knight in shining armor.

You are worried about MJ addiction.
If you worry about it, you are okay.
Addicts don't worry once they cross the threshold.
I thought they do?
They are at the edge of perdition and then they choose to do more.
That's the path to addiction.
What do you do with MJ?
I consistently vary the dose.
Sometimes more and sometimes less.
Or not at all.
The addiction always presents itself.
Yes, I questioned if I needed more last week.
Instead, I alter the dose in the container.
No more.
No mas, but I will still play.

Addiction is always a possibility, that's why there are internal warning systems set up.
It's the train's blowing siren from the Ayahuasca lesson eleven years ago.
I was told if I remained on the plant medicine path, eventually I'd walk in front of a train.
Yes, if you stay with these plants long enough, they will hypnotize you.
That's when you know you have fallen into the trap of addiction.
You are hypnotized into walking in front of the train.
Got it.
The train blows its warning in the distance on cue.

Cottonmouth lets you know you're out there.
This is dark but you're not scared.
The solution is to not get hypnotized.
Flight can take over and you run.
When a shaman tried it, you ran.
He is a master sorcerer teaching you whether you have it in you.
I knew to run from the hypnosis.
Flight comes in handy and then you return.
The scars on your mind are reminders of how strong you are.
You don't back down, take the blows, and come out better for it.

Addiction and hypnosis lead you to do what others want.
If they want you to go, then you'll go.
Keep an eye out for hypnotists and addictive substances.
Sorcerers as well.
Witches.

The lessons are still dark at times but not upsetting, just like you were told they would be after you passed the tests, which were the darkest of the dark.
Suicide, death, and the Devil.
That was quite the trifecta of darkness.
You got through it.
Class is still in session.
This class has no graduates.
Remember, you are a jaguar, and you will get through all the tests.
If you fail, you can say it was a trick to send you to your addictive doom.
That's ingenious.
A failure will blame the addiction and hypnosis test.
A jaguar will come out on top and live another day.
You don't have to win.
It's survivor.
Keep surviving.
That's the game - to keep playing the game.
Survive.
To keep the game going you become a survivor.
Jaguar power.
Ally.

It's good to get out and exercise the sirens.
Yes, Odysseus.
Don't be afraid of the train.
It will be a reminder to prevent addiction.
Avoidance makes you weak.
MJ is wisdom, teaching, and darkness today.
You are a good student and friend.
You wouldn't have been taught the sirens lesson if you weren't a good student.
You'd miss it.

If you were addicted, wouldn't you deny it?
Yes.
Are you denying it?
No, I know my state of mind.
Not addicted.
Wouldn't you try to control your addiction?
Yes.
Alcohol taught me that.
You say you aren't going to drink and then you drink too much.
Very good.
Alcohol teaches you addiction.
They are a good teacher.
Male or female?
Spirit.

If you take more of your potential addiction, the sirens will blast in your ears and the only way to make it stop is by hypnotism so then you don't hear them though they are still there.
You would rely on the substance to bring you to the state of hypnosis, so you don't hear the sirens.
Metaphor is the idea of sirens.
Homer wrote about sirens because he knew you'd understand.
Yeah, right.
I guess us writers stick together.

You're going to do more Tobacco.
True.
I must balance MJ with Tobacco.
With Tobacco, I change up my habits.
Look at it that way.
By changing your habits, you won't get addicted.
With Tobacco, I always try something new.
That's a theme in this story.

With MJ you know about dosage to prevent addiction.
Mentally, you interact with all her attributes and not just one.
Of course, when you are with her you will get all of her.
That's why you take her for a daily ride.
Plus, there's Dionysos.
He doesn't give you sight.
I see.
How can you get addicted if his darkness is around?
You can't.
His darkness is what you need to balance MJ.
Witches get good at seeing.
Your darkness is a challenge.
They can barely see you.
First, you shine.
They see it all.
Then you pull them into the darkness.

If you are prey, you run from addiction.
Did you run?
No, I toughed it out.
Predator.
Jaguar badge.
The Quest.
Games.

MJ is some serious mental gymnastics at times.
Yeah, you don't want that all the time.
Once a day is good.
I can appreciate everything about MJ.
But not about women?
It is balanced.
Maybe with women you give 50-50 appreciation and go 50-50 with MJ's attributes.
Not many know about this MJ.
A lot of posers.
A lot can see with her.
Yes.
They get stuck on that.
They get stuck on one power, but she has many.
With Huachuma, you get stuck on clarity and forget love and being free.
With Ayahuasca, people love the visions and forget the rest.
MJ is lust, knowledge, darkness, teaching, and seeing.
Much more I can't remember right now.
The beauty in nature.
She is the Goddess of love.
Her boobs are love.
They are a symbol of her power of love teaching you.

If someone had access to your raw writing, they'd wonder about you.
Google knows I'm nuts.
We will keep it between us, I mean someone has to know.
Google is my therapist.
I knew you were in therapy.
They have AI to help you out if needed.
I'll pass on that, we all know AI is a conformist.
It's bullshit.
AI is another iteration of the superego.
I see that.

out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

god is a waste of time

I made a video a couple years ago which is the genesis of my ritual out in the forest.

The performance and layout evolved from humble beginnings.

It's at the river bend where my dog Luna dug a hole.

Originally, I started one in 2015 at witches' cove that wasn't as far along the path.

Luna dug a hole there as well and I made the spot holy.

The river bend is farther into my mind.

I added sticks to represent the four directions and burnt incense in the centre.

With Mary Jayne's help, I assigned names to the four points representing my friends.

By friends, I am referring to the four voices in my head I experience during ego dissolution.

Later, I added flat sticks to cross the cardinal points.

I am in the process of discovery, and I imagine these in-between characters are amalgamations of the main four.

My state of mind in the morning when I get out of bed is uncluttered especially if I'm alone.

My ego is diminished, and I listen to my friends.

I have a heightened ability to write.

Interactions with others produce the ego.

I see how it works.

I put on an act and a show once I engage the world.

So, the performance of this play is tied to ego?

Yes, you play a character which is influenced by interactions with others.

When I alter consciousness and dissolve the ego, I need to be alone.

I must escape to the forest and return to my nature.

What about plant medicine trips and ceremonies with others?

They work among strangers as you leave your baggage at the door.

Doing ceremonies with friends invites in distortions because they expect a performance out of you.

Plus, you see into their motivations, and it crosses boundaries.

At this point in my life, I don't want to change consciousness around other people.

I don't like being in the house during this time.

The show is tied to ego.

Correct.

Stories are derivative of everyone's egos.

You got it.

To create new adventures means coming out into the world and putting on a performance.

That's how you make a new story.

If you are by yourself or switching between the multiple bedrocks of who you are, you can't make stories.

That's when I write them.

Exactly.

The confusion of who you are throws others for a loop and they can't handle it.

They want you gone.

They can't control you if they don't know who you are at any point.

They want to peg you down as a known entity or tie you up, so you stay the same.

I get it.

It's a thrill to find someone who wants to do that and then find ways to escape.

That's a fun game.

I know your game.

You find a female to designate as the Goddess.

You pursue or worship her.

Yes.

Sometimes, you get her, other times she's out of reach.

Or, she slips from my grasp.

You've made a bunch the Goddess.

Yes, but eventually I took the crown back from them all.

Except your dogs.

I still honour them.

Also, part of your game are your three familiars of Eros, Dionysos, and Apollo.

Lust, mystery, and light.

I'm a smart and horny fucker who is a badass.

Mentally, I'm a badass which is the best kind to be.

I could always put on a show and try to act that part, however I have learned the mystery is much better when you leave it for discovery.

You are writing all this I hope you know.

It has already been written.

I'm just revealing it to myself.

Wanting to be used and taking pain.

It's your game.

Follow your desires and that path.

This reveals your story.

Chasing desires brings ruin.

Do you see the difference?

Chasing forces the issue.

Desire is a predator.

By chasing desires, you turn desire into a predator, and you become its prey.

Following desires is stalking desire.

You remain the predator and keep the game moving.

That's highbrow.

You have the best stories.

It's what makes you attractive.

Plus, you will make fun of yourself and put yourself in danger.

My darkness is an act.

Normally, others wouldn't look at me twice, however I make them take a second look and then they see it.

They like the darkness.

I think it's on my right.

My eye socket is darker on the right.

So, I went on the biggest ego trip.

Yes.

You need to do that before ego dissolution or death.

To get to God you go on a huge ego trip.

You keep going.

Subconsciously, people see it.

They grow to hate you for it and want you to go.

In regular life you just act naturally. 

That's why some said you were going to start a cult.

I denied it, confirming I'm taking the biggest ego trip ever and I'm doing it alone.

That's the secret to avoid blowing up.

Do it alone.

Autoeroticism again.

To win this game you must be excellent at all forms of masturbation.

Mental masturbation.

You're the best.

I am.

So, how did I not blow up?

You kept going.

You did it by yourself, so you didn't stop at God; instead, you saw he was a waste of time.

You say the most uncomplimentary things about God.

Yeah, it's a trick so you don't stay God, or you'll blow out or turn to stone.

You keep going to the writer.

Everything starts in darkness if you are looking for hierarchy.

Apollo knows this and to balance this imbalance, he takes the initial ego trips before giving the writer a chance to take a trip later in life.

How did you not go crazy and blow up which would eventually lead you to disappear?

I kept going. 

Lust helped on the trip.

He kept me sane.

You did crazy shit with him.

Yeah, stuff God either wouldn't do or you'd be so disgusted with him you'd keep going to get away from him.

I liked the trip, it was fun.

Why did you stop?

I thought others would catch on, so I stopped it, and moved on.

I put God in the rearview mirror and talked of him in the third person to create distance between him and you.

It was a good act.

Are you scared?

No, I buy this.

It's trust and it's trusting myself.

If I didn't trust myself, I wouldn't trust giving away power.

It comes back when you give it away.

It blows up when you keep it.

The ultimate confusion would be believing you are not confused.

The obvious thing is the writer would write this nonsense, so you know it is a story and a story you have written. 

The confusion of non-confusion. 

Fuck off.

Haha.

As lust ages it becomes a fine wine.

Dionysian influence.

Dangerous combination.

Lust and Dionysos.

They take over from Apollo.

A game of chess.

Lust plays both sides though.

Yes, see how it becomes a game?

Lust plays both sides so that's how he never loses.

That's the secret.

Play both sides.

It's balanced.

To always win, you play both sides.

Don't you lose?

Yes, but you always win.

That's what the definition of the greatest is.

You always win.

Yeah, but you're the biggest loser as well.

I always win though.

Clever bastard.

Eros is in everyone.

Not the case for the other three.

They must be acknowledged.

Only lust gets that honour.

This would be like becoming lost forever in a dreamworld.

No passage of time elapsed but it seemed like forever.

We frantically improvise methods of measuring time in this world.

Death and birth are the transition points.

So, is this world a dream?

When you die you wake up?

Shouldn't I be dead because I woke up?

Yes, if you do wake up, you should be dead.

Why aren't you or I dead?

Lucid dreaming.

Treat this like a lucid dream.

Write lucid dreaming down in your book.

Give yourself a reminder.

Simple things work.

The writer has an existential crisis and solves it with lucidity.

Dream control.

Queensryche, dude.

That's why they were so fucking loud.

Getting in your head.

Good strategy.

Don Howard gives you that clue.

What is it?

Love on the edge.

Live on the edge.

Akhet.

Half ego and half the fantastic four.

You play it like it's real, but you know it's a dream.

Normally, when you find out it's a dream you lose interest and don't care.

You become fascinated by the dream which is a story and a story I wrote.

This is my story.

It's a great story.

I wake up in my story I wrote and realize I'm in it.

I'm the writer.

Bravo.

Plus, I don't fully believe it.

That gives me the strength to keep playing.

I don't believe it's a dream.

I know it's a dream.

Thinking about this is confusing.

Good.

You're not supposed to know, and confusion is the sleeping pill.

It's a hypnotic.

Hypnotic pills put you back to sleep so you can continue the story.

People ask for those pills.

A narcotic will put you back to sleep.

They are much different than psychedelics.

I'm all natural.

None of those hypnotics for me.

Isn't Mary Jayne hypnotic?

All Goddesses are.

I can feel when the dream is pulling me back in.

You get the shakes.

It's cold as well.

So, this is the main story.

The story where you wake up and stick around.

The three of you were always around but just missing the Goddess.

That explains the search for her.

You thought it was normal to experience those three states.

I never got diagnosed.

I hid the lust and darkness.

The dream tries always to put you back to sleep.

That's what gives you the cold shakes.

In some people, it's anxiety.

If they start to wake up, they get anxious.

The anxiety puts them back to sleep.

The shake is trying to balance everything out.

You just became fully awake, so you got the shakes.

MJ wakes you up and then you go back to sleep.

You go back to Paul the ego to fit back into society.

Don't knock the ego as it gets you through life.

It allows you to continue the game.

The ego continues the game, that's its function, and what you want.

Ego death and you're gone.

You need the ego to function.

When you lose it then you go.

The ultimate ego trip leads to becoming God and you blow up.

Nobody can do that trip unless you're the one.

White rabbits.

Yes, Neo.

Going into work forces you into ego mode.

Retirement and you let it go.

You must find another way of enforcing the discipline of identity or you will exit the drama.

Living in the forest and you are gone.

You need balance.

Without MJ you are back in the dream.

Why do I want out of the dream?

The search for self-awareness.

Not having self-awareness is thinking you really are the character you are playing.

Now that you know, you can't go back to sleep.

You know too much.

You go in and out of these two mind states to keep the game going.

Light and dark.

It's an addiction to MJ then.

You can stop whenever you want.

That's not an addiction.

Addiction means you are powerless to stop, and you crave the substance.

Do you have that?

I have resistance.

Wouldn't I be addicted to lucidity?

No, the game.

We all are, that's why we do it.

The game of incarnating and trying to wake up.

You can always stop playing by going away or going back to sleep.

Those are the two choices.

You made it so you don't choose, you clever fuck.

If you go back to sleep, you are still playing but you don't know it.

No one wants that.

You want to know you are a player at this point.

You choose both.

By definition you don't make a choice.

A choice is choosing one.

The ego is happy when it regains control.

There is unease when I change consciousness.

The ego is a control freak, and resistance is a good thing.

It will keep you in balance even when you start slipping into an altered reality on the regular.

If there was no resistance, paranoia, or feelings of surveillance, then you are hypnotized.

Stoned.

As long as you feel those harbingers of unease, then you know you're good.

Either half of your mind, light and dark, will hypnotize you if you stay with one.

That's how the ego did it for most of your life.

Hypnotized you into thinking it's only you.

The ego is a psychic reality and how you function in this reality.

When you learn to dissolve it, then this reality becomes magical.