metaphor

The visionary and dream states often convey information as metaphor. Despite knowing better, humans are very literal beings, and at first, we tend to go in the direction of believing things to be tangibly real. We have lost the idea behind myth and now treat myth as generally falsehood since it can't be true in a physical sense. This too pertains to ancient scripture as it is held up against the science of today and derided as childish. Yes, the story of Noah's Ark is a scientific impossibility, the pushers of biblical narrative want you to literally believe it, and those of reason denounce such folly. And that becomes the choice.

I know the above exposition also pertains to the individual visionary states I have been able to enter. I constantly remind myself to not take the visions and conversations I have had with entities so literally. but instead search for the meaning behind what has been presented. In the last year, I have been cognizant of this when recalling dreams as well as some symbols I have seen in conscious waking life. To give some examples, about a year ago after a particularly trying time I stepped out of the house and witnessed a snake devouring a frog. I knew from my studies of ancient Egypt that their primordial representation of creation had the snake representing the feminine creative principle that gave impetus to the masculine striving spirit symbolized as a frog. I deduced the meaning behind this scene I was witnessing as being the passions, represented by the feminine snake, could devour the masculine spirit, played by the frog, and to take heed. Prior to embarking on a second trip to the Amazon, in which I knew I was going to face my fears, I witnessed an owl flying up out of the bush, which I had never seen before in this setting and regard. I knew of the owl's symbolism of death and the connection was not to my physical death but to the process and path I had embarked upon that would lead to the annihilation of self. The third time ever drinking Ayahuasca, after a harrowing second experience, this dark entity I had encountered said to continue following my current path, if not he'd make me walk in front of a train. The path he directed me to follow consisted of not changing the course of my life and thus continuing destructive patterns of behaviour I could not shake. In subsequent visionary ceremonies with the plant medicines Huachuma and Vilca, I have experienced an eery feeling of death and sacrifice. The first time I experienced this unnerving sense I chalked it up to having an unfamiliar experience. A year later I was confident participating in the same ceremony however at the appointed time the feeling of imminent death returned. After dealing with a great deal of anxiety and psychic disturbance, I vomited out these bad vibes and carried on though I could not let go of self. The feelings of dread abated to the point where I could continue and from this event, I eventually realized the feeling of death I had experienced twice now was coming from deep within. In an Ayahuasca ceremony on this last trip I had finally been able to advance past this darkness who had been plaguing me and, in my vision, this male actor drove up in a car on train tracks which I took as being a completion of the level and an end to the scene leading to a transition into the next phase. It wasn't until much later I realized this actor in a car on train tracks was the higher self appearing due to being able to silence the ego mind. I never clued into the significance of the car driving up to me on train tracks until much later when I was able to connect it to the walking in front of a train threat and see that a car on train tracks could easily stop as it approached me. I realized from these metaphors the significance behind all these events and their connection. My intentions last year in my work with the plant medicines were primarily ego based, feeling a need to subdue the sense of self. I am quite aware now the greatest and final attachment we cling to is the sense of a separate self. To give up the ego is the last cord remaining that binds you to the Middle World. Once the last chain is cut you are free, yet no one can take this ultimate step and abandon a lifelong building project. At physical death, if this eventuality is not reconciled, it is forcefully ripped away and is the subject of much grief leading up to the event in the case of a terminal illness situation.

I have been wondering about this dark entity who is hidden deep within my psyche and its origin. I subscribe to the all is one philosophy with the caveat that the one is the ecstatic sexual embrace of the all-encompassing feminine creative and masculine consciousness powers - a figure that could be described as a hermaphrodite. So, from this line of thinking it stands to reason that the masculine dark entity I have encountered is divine masculine consciousness masquerading as a puppeteer intent on controlling deluded individuated conscious beings as puppets to see how far he could keep this game going before it is unmasked. And for the fool in his foolishness to see through the game they/you must take a leap of courage and faith based on wisdom so that you can discard the false self and recover the knowledge of who you are as the higher self. This thinking will lead to an intellectual recognition that yes, the father and the son are one in the same as the Christians unwittingly claim, except that it is you who are both Christ and God. I come from divine parents and I'm one of them. But do you take the discarding of self as something you need to do literally or is it metaphor?

This leads to the idea of sacrifice and sacrificial offerings to the gods. There are rituals in which objects of possession and material wealth are offered as symbolic of devotion to a deity, as greedy humans are normally loathed to freely offer tangible goods. To us this is a demonstrable sacrifice that can be quantified with an expectation of reward or blessing. Going further into the idea of sacrifice is the psychic reality of the gods and demons within that are aroused by behaviours and passions inherent to the human condition. A sacrifice to a god in this case would be changing behaviour to bring oneself closer to a god or stopping destructive behaviours that would arouse another god/demon. Examples would be the use of a substance such as alcohol which brings out the inner asshole in some, or the love of money which stimulates greed, or excessive sexual needs which progresses from pleasure seeking to pathology. In these cases, the sacrifice of these behaviours demonstrates a willingness to change and invoke the approval and help of these forces we call gods. In the case I am demonstrating here, it seems to be clear the changing path in which I was headed on, that was such a concern to a shadowy part of my constituent being, involved the death of the self and so it was related to me that if I chose that path I would walk in front of a train. It's a blunt metaphor for the death of the self. In order to discover the ultimate truth of who you really are you need to sacrifice the self, or at least that is what I am inferring here. When I next stand in front of the Mesa faced with the very real prospect of imminent death, now I understand the reasons behind why I sense an extraordinarily strong feeling of death and sacrifice. If I can muster the courage to take the last step and free myself of ego, then the presentation of the ultimate discovery awaits.

I have had episodes of dissociation while on mind manifesting substances where in one instance I was in a clothes closet presented with suits to wear as different identities. I was not to be burdened with just one identity, instead I could assume a different self at will. This ties in with the thought that we are all just aspects of the one common higher self that takes on separate roles in this great universal drama. Looking at this phenomenon further, it can be ascertained that culture and society demands we assume a fixed identity to operate. The law and monetary systems collapse without this surety. As well in this past year I have felt an intense desire to free myself of my identity and assume another. I have to believe these visions and behaviours are linked to the eventual dissolution of self that is playing out right now in my psychic sphere. The constant pushing of feelings designed to scuttle my resolve to continue this path come from the area of the darkness that lay within the depths of my being. It's all coming to a head. I will need to call upon courage, strength, will, trust, surrender, and a little protection offered by Athena to accomplish this last step into the unknown stratosphere of the no self.

middle way

I thought the Buddhist concept of the Middle Way was like the Canadian way of compromise - to remain neutral and strive for balance. I have increasingly come to realize our attempts to translate eastern philosophy into English is quite subpar and pained, and the reasons behind this are mainly because a great deal of the philosophical concepts we don't have words to express the meaning; so, the translation becomes a clumsy amalgamation of English words which try to convey the meaning. As well, there is an inherent western cultural bias in translating these concepts which creeps in even under the best intentions. In trying to grasp the idea of the Middle Way, I often thought well, yes, moderation is the key; this thinking of course having a connection to my cultural bias. But upon closer study of this concept, I can see that isn't the intended meaning. The meaning is more along the lines of dispassionate non-choosing of either polar extreme which is rooted in the teaching of the Tao and the concept of Wu Wei. The Middle Way is just letting life and its intricacies flow, just like a river course takes the path of least resistance using a power greater than its own to establish its outreach. This lack of action forcing an outcome is being in harmony with the Tao. Wu Wei is the concept of non-action which is how to be in accord with the Tao.

I picked up on this meaning when I connected it to attachments and not getting attached to something. Humans are very passionate beings and once we discover something we like or find it beneficial, we addict to it and can become dependent on it or want to control it. After we realize this flaw in our behaviour, which has perhaps caused us pain and suffering, we then forcefully avoid situations and behaviours which can cause this psychic or physical dependency and lead to interruption within our lives. The Middle Way is not teaching us to temper our zeal and perhaps let a little bit in and try to control it that way, which never works anyhow. Instead, it is teaching a way to not get attached or not trying to force yourself to fight against getting attached. Just let things happen, go with the flow, enjoy this temporal experience, and let go naturally when it is time. The right time will become obvious and you go with it. You can see for example how this applies to life, death, and love affairs. The attachment way leads to heavy amounts of suffering. The Middle Way leads to celebration and adaptation to the rhythms of life as embodied in the concept of Maya; Maya teaching us how this created world we find ourselves in is impermanent. Clinging to change will lead to confusion and suffering. Celebrating change will lead one to the answer they seek.

maya

A Huachuma vision of the light being protected on two sides by the twin serpent goddesses was stunning.

The light was the most intense light I had ever seen yet it did not obliterate the rest of the scene with its intensity. It was magical. It wasn't until I returned home from the Amazon in the spring of 2015 that I had the epiphany that the light I saw was actually me. It was a confirmation that we are all light and the pursuit and act of enlightenment is fundamentally leading to a deep sense of remembrance of whom you are. Now taking this vision further I came to understand that it was by moving the ego mind out of the equation I was able to have this experience. From a third person perspective I could view what I thought of myself as light interacting within its surroundings. The first person perspective, the sense of a separate self, had been deactivated. From this I could make the connection that the ego generates the first person perspective. I was quite pleased with figuring this out but it still left me the question of who is making the observation from the third person perspective? It took a few weeks to come up with a plausible answer to this question. At first I thought it was the universe looking upon itself and dissolving the ego had the effect of allowing you to experience an unity of consciousness, in essence what is called the higher self. An awareness centred on the ball of energy, consciousness manifest within creation, was what was taking place. I have since wondered about the idea of a collective world 'soul' of which we all share a part. It's a feeling that humanity is one and this getting access to the unifying third person perspective confirms that in terms of consciousness there is no separation. The higher self is the self common to all. It's the collective conscious, the necessary opposite of the Jungian collective unconscious.

Becoming an adult brings about individuation and a desire for freedom. Establishing and cultivating an identity is a big part of the human game. There's some innate desire within that longs for this separation. Curiously though once we become convinced of our uniqueness, culture demands conformity. Culture is a collective ego demanding the individual submit to its demands. This is so odd because when you look into it from the opposing perspective that we are essentially all one it's a wonder why we go through the process of believing we are separate only to acquiesce to the demands of culture for conformity? Culture then becomes a decidedly perverse substitute for those who do not want to seek or hide from a return to unity however language and culture over emphasizes the notion of self to the point where it obfuscates any other mode of cognition and consciousness thus even those who may disdain their culture remain trapped.

The body is the vessel, bridge, and meeting point in the Middle World between the Lower and Upper World. The soul and the spirit become conjoined. The heart and the mind attempt a reconciliation. This is the concept of the Ba and the Ka, the soul and life force concepts of the ancient Egyptians. A successful mediation between the two results in a transfiguration into what they called the Akh, a luminous jabiru stork related to the iconography of Thoth who was their god of wisdom.

The ancient Egyptian Akh hieroglyph

Consciousness manifests in the Middle World in order to come to terms with this conflict not only within but also against the heart. This need for reconciliation bubbles up to the surface and causes conflict at unpredictable intervals. I sense the heart mother creating this world as a place for consciousness to work out its differences and mediate everything into the centre so that peace is attained and then a marriage with the heart can then be enacted. We hopefully work towards a tipping point one person at a time until collectively we see the light and start acting appropriately with love in our hearts for all.

The Illusion is the belief in constructs that keep your mind closed and the soul imprisoned. The physical world is really there and this traps the hardcore materialist into believing it is all there is and the necessary corollary to this line of thinking is to dismiss all forms of feelings, intuition, psychic disturbances, and dreaming as aberrant and pathological. From the Eastern philosophical standpoint the belief in karma, essentially the accumulation of spiritual debt that keeps you trapped within the wheel of incarnations, is one of these illusions which is called maya. This form of maya is a trap laid into the very same system the non critical believer blindly follows as they seek nirvana. The belief you need to do anything because of karma is the illusion. As well, the created world is not tangible, you can't hold onto it as it is ever changing and becoming so illusion in this regard is the opposite of the idea of permanence. In Judeo-Christian terms it is the belief that you need to be saved and worship a sole god in order to receive eternal life. From a global perspective ultimately it is the idea that culture has any meaning. The demands of your culture prevent you from rising above the mass mess.

The idea of maya translated as illusion maintains within its meaning a sense of play because once you see it for what it is the world and its systems of control can become gameplay. So although you may gather from the knowledge of maya that the world we live in is a construct it does not mean that it is not there, that it is only illusory. The meaning points towards the world being created by the feminine, maya, as a classroom in which the masculine spirit can play and through this gamesmanship the spirit as consciousness will grow and mature into the hero. It is a game of purification and by purification what I mean is the shedding of the negative traits inherent in the duality of consciousness, which is almost an impossibility, and consciousness is to nurture almost as an autonomous force an innate virtue which raises its vibration to such a level that it explodes into brilliant white light. To use the video game analogy this is when you have beaten the game, you rescue the princess as the heart, and you live happily ever after.

Love + Consciousness = Enlightenment

exploration of self, time, dragons, and attachment

The following is an incomplete post of thoughts on self, time, dragons, and attachment I will amend as I continue travelling on this most interesting path.

There is a synthesis of mind states which comprise what I think of as myself. The next task is an exercise of deconstruction of these mind states, sitting with each, and figuring out how each affect the overall constitution of my being. The shamanic Upper, Middle, and Lower worlds can be a good comparative guide in this deconstruction. Also each aspect of mind contains within a polarity which consists of a feminine and masculine pole as well as each gendered pole having contending halves that are in opposition to one another. In the Upper and Lower worlds the masculine polarity contains a dragon. You will find the lair of dragons down by the sea or they will be flying in the air hidden by cloud cover. Both manifestations of this power bedevil the Middle world and fittingly, with its mythical nature, the dragon remains a mystery to us earth dwellers.

Lower World	Middle World	Upper World
Soul	Ego	Spirit
Heart	Self	Higher Self
Love	Individual	Higher Consciousness
Feelings	Separation	Oneness
Fear	Judgment	Connection
Compassion	Comparison	Transcendence
Instincts	Conflict	Knowledge
Anxiety	Competition	Dreamer
Depression	Envy	Intelligence
Shadow	Criticism
Animal	Jealousy
Passions	Self Esteem
Intuition	Low Self Esteem
Courage	Identity	Satori
Strength	Transient	Reason
Wisdom	Needs Affirmation/Praise	Sky
Dark	Journey	Light
Dark Side of the Moon	Expects Rewards	Clouds
Moon	Maya	Sun
Nature	Paranoia	Mountains
Water	Earth	Air
Birth	Time	Release
Mother	Child	Father
Serpent	Jaguar	Eagle

Light penetrates into the darkness and shines throughout all creation. The serpent creates and powers the three worlds. The jaguar draws its strength and power from the serpent and moves freely between the created worlds. The jaguar is the master of the three domains.

Disharmony between these worlds leads to confusion. In parallel to this thinking is the Andean idea of mediating between gendered states of being, starting with the reconciliation of the same gendered complementary opposites, leading to a state of harmony they termed tinkuy. After the successful reconstruction of the respective gendered poles this next leads to the mediation of the feminine and the masculine polarities, a process called yanantin, which leads to the successful result which is called the conocimiento, bringing all into harmony. Peace of mind and harmony of the opposites is the way and the light.

Terms of mediation, harmony, reciprocity, and the androgyne in the Andes:

Huacsas - third gendered ritual attendants.

Quariwarmi - dual gendered shamans who mediated between the symmetrically dualistic spheres of Andean cosmology and daily life.

Ipa/Orua - third gendered ritual attendants.

Conocimiento - the result of the mediation of two opposing forces.

Nepantla - to be or feel in between.

Tinkuy - the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation.

Yanantin - an expression of dualistic symmetry of inclusion.

Chhimi - the central axis, heart that denotes the common territory between two halves. Found in woven textiles called talegas.

Chaupi - the in between positioning between two pairs.

Chhullu - Quechua for the one among paired things but without a pair.

Chhullus - third gendered ritual attendants that bring together the opposites in the chaupi forming the tinkuy.

Fluidly the mind shifts between thought and judgment. Focus on the self effortlessly gives way to service and concern for others. Separate identity contends with a longing for connection. Distraction has become the ego's best weapon to combat awakening. Lost in the madness is the ability to connect with the higher self, as with all things if you don't use it, you lose it. To recover what is lost is a daunting task.

Quiet contemplation and this overwhelming urge to be left alone has been with me as long as I can remember. I long ago buried my heart, since recovered, however the two halves of my mind are fully developed, active, and easily shift between what side is dominant. From a psychological sense of self I knew of the ego and its machinations but there was no label for this other part of mind. To even fathom this divide seems like such an insurmountable task for the distracted mass. When I immersed myself into the world of Amazonian shamanism there were constant episodes of attacks on this other part of my psyche along with visions of light and a longing Goddess trying to get through to this part of me. They are the most valuable, memorable, and cherished experiences I could possibly ask for and experience. To be in the presence of the Great Goddess is ineffable in its greatness. I never really clued in to who it was that was experiencing this because I have known this part of myself for so long. I was ignorant on this journey due in part to a misunderstanding. I have read books on spirituality and psychology which pointed to the higher self and in my spiritual quest I was determined to meet this elusive part of me. It has only been in the past few weeks of my life that I finally realized I have been acquainted with this part of myself all my life due to my innate solitary and contemplative nature. I was going to go to the mountains to find my higher self, now it is just going to be a confirmation of what I already know, to become fully immersed in higher consciousness free of ego, and to have a good laugh.

Part of my confusion stems from comparison to the trials and plights of others. They sure are in a bind, all twisted up in knots searching for answers and are running around in their constructed worlds trying to piece things together or they are caught in a web that radiates such a pervasive aura of worldly distraction that has engulfed them. I have never sold out totally to the distraction, instead I disappear for hours into the woods to find solace and contentment. I shun the mind candy and spend hours outside on the deck quietly smoking away while inside electronics ping and ding as the television blares away. Culture demands more and more of its slaves' attention, which is calculated to prevent an awakening to the knowledge of the higher self. Culture is the manifestation of a collective ego that demands conformity, self policing of attitude, and acceptable behaviour. As the cry for humanity to awaken increases so do the available distractions. I see now the value of meditation as the first step to just stop the noise. Just sit with yourself for twenty minutes and allow yourself to develop an innate ability of allowing quiet into your daily life.

Impulses from the depths of my subconscious attention have plagued me throughout my life. Despite a connection to a really great part of myself it was no match for this part of my psyche. In a weakened state I was a pawn to this psychic manifestation of the darkness. I didn't know how to control it though I certainly did try. It wasn't until a face to face meeting with the psychic manifestation of this power, which scared the bejesus out of me, that I was able to take up arms and fight this now discovered adversary. Psychologists will describe a man's subconscious as feminine, the anima, and to a degree it is true and is the easiest to discern however there is a dark side to that moon which is masculine and very clever and controlling. After subduing this lifelong antagonist I was then able to connect with my long buried heart who had been crying out for so long.

This adversarial alien comes from the dark side of the moon. It is the dark masculine part of your psyche residing in the shadows. The ego is the doorway for this dragon to enter into the human psyche. The visionary state works with metaphor and with this knowledge it becomes clear the hedonistic and misogynistic alien parasites from my cognitive state during an ayahuasca journey last year were metaphors for the infected egos which surrounded me. The thought that others in the ceremony were infected was a way to describe them as being possessed by the parasites as well. The thought that the alien parasite uses the power within the body to sustain itself is directly correlated with the formation of ego which is directed by the alien. I dismissed this whole ceremony as delusionary when instead it was an ingenious construct designed to allow me to see how the compromised ego operates. I felt my power drained by these parasites when in truth it is the puppet shell of the ego that steals your power for self aggrandizement and causes obfuscation of the other constituent states of being, in essence burying your heart and killing your spirit. This also connects with a Huachuma ceremony where once again it was an alien that was using the power inherent within humanity to sustain its existence. The alien was using humankind as generators to perpetuate its eventual takeover of the universe. It was mining us and the great mother for its secrets. The third time I ever drank ayahuasca I was offered the chance to become part of this strange alien construct as a leader of a group of them. I turned it down. This alien was psychotic, loved money, hedonistic, and hated women.

I'd also like to touch on the idea of sacrificing to the gods which was very prevalent in ancient times and still retains a dignified state nowadays in our refined ideas of worship. The gods in question are both internal and external forces which can exert control over you. The base idea of sacrifice is to give up something of value to gain the favour of a god. It's the simple explanation and good enough for most. I sacrifice a bull to Zeus which has a real monetary cost to my bottom line and in a way it reveals devotion. However I have to believe after what I have experienced is that the idea of sacrifice involves giving up behaviours and actions that perturb or enhance the psychic manifestations of these entities. I knew my weaknesses and what aroused my adversary and within these weaknesses I found much pleasure and comfort. I eventually was shown the need to give these up, i.e. sacrifice, in order to slay the demon. To me that is the real impetus behind sacrifice; the public sacrifice is superficial and contains much value as ritual designed to impress upon the adherent a reminder to look within to find what really needs to be forsaken.

Born from darkness we can become beacons of light. How big of an arc can be created as we pulse from off to on? All is vibration therefore I am a vibration and I am moving in a rhythm from birth to death which starts out as nothing from the Lower world, grows in the Middle world, and becomes complete in the Upper world. Within creation we become and then we are once again not - the void - but latent within is the impetus to become again. In a sense it can be deduced that the process of becoming would come to an end upon escape from the everlasting cycles of motion and time. To exist outside the wheel. The concept of djet to the ancient Egyptians; nirvana to the Hindus.

Is there a choice between attachment and release from time? Is this choice the penultimate decision we will make as spiritual free agents? What role does Love play in the decision? Do I heed the call of the Goddess and the longing for reunion or do I remain fettered to the cycle of rebirth in order that I fulfill the obligations I have made to my earthly loved ones? The opportunity for transcendence and union I have been presented with twice already, both times I have spurned the advance. The first time I explained to the Goddess I still have to take care of my family and could not come away with her. The second time was an erotic bonding in the temple of Hathor at Denderah in which I experienced the most intense and erotic feeling I have ever felt and then immediately afterwards I halted the visionary activity for some reason I'm not exactly clear about. Is it my ego which fears dissolution from the consequences of ending the prolonged separation of the divine feminine and masculine encapsulated within and therefore is constantly entrapping the self in attachments? Some of these attachments are my most treasured relationships in this temporal existence and because of this it makes one hesitant to walk the path to the conclusion of what I have been searching for. I need help on this question in order that I make the right decision. The Goddess has previously alerted me to the ability of the darkness to construct the most elaborate of schemes and will stop at nothing to prevent the reunification of the primal universal pair. This all feels related to those admonitions of my eternal bride. 

I feel the seeker if they choose to remain attached and do not ascend the proverbial mountain to transcendence then they will remain subjected to the trials and tribulations inherent in this world we live in, though you will have the opportunity to help others in their journey and allow them the opportunity to make the same choice which was once presented to you. The Buddhists call this person the Bodhisattva. I wonder too if the Goddess is strangely present in this world in some women and like everything else is veiled and hidden away. Into this world I manifested and soon developed a bad case of amnesia, I've sorted some stuff out but I am never 100% sure about it all. As a corollary to this, do I have delusions of grandeur?

If I choose to transcend my bodily existence and become the pure white light entering into a divine coupling with the Goddess does this all end? Does the universe enter into a process to become whole once again? The cosmic vibrational wave crests and returns to the state of rest before once again exploding into another cycle of creation. What about my attachments that I hold near and dear? What about all my attachments that weigh me down? Can I pick and choose? Probably not. Are they just illusory and anyhow will be ripped away from me upon physical death? Do I need to demonstrate and reconcile this in order to rest in peace, transcending the wheel? Is the ultimate expression of love, from which all springs forth, the reunification of the divine feminine and masculine? 

The choice is whether you wish to exit the never ending process of becoming once you realize there is a choice. Or do you wish to remain to help others? Or can you not let go?

Pistis Sophia. Faith in Wisdom. Love. The answer is to be found in those eternal concepts and all the rest will be taken care of.

Well, I did say I would amend this post as I travel this most fascinating path. It's four years later and I have reconciled with my darkness. My ego was the psychic manifestation that was infected and crafted stories of the darkness within with the strategy to ultimately keep me away from further exploration. It's all part of this grand game and in order to keep it going as long as possible, the ego plays its role impeccably. So, here I am. The shadow I created via ego is psychotic, loves money, is hedonistic, and a misogynist. I threw all my perceived negative traits into the toy box and declared that's not me! As I climbed the mountain to the higher self, I discovered that was the me I wanted to exalt and emphasize all my wonderful traits. Same process - strip away the labels of who you think your higher self should be and what are you left with? The light and the darkness and they are me. The obstacle to growth I realize is the me who has come forth.

The dragon is my teacher and my best friend. I find him in the lower world and the higher world. He is with me now and I'm starting to find the true definition of sacrifice. Give up control. I want this incarnation all for myself and so I buried my connection to omnipotence and took on the risk of psychic pathology and fear. Fear of future outcomes and fear of death. Was it worth the trade? It has made for a great quest. It's time though to re-enter into the partnership with my "other half." I see him and salute him. I knew of the Andean process of tinkuy. I just had to live the experience.

call to adventure

The call to adventure beckons once again. I have gone into Egypt to recover the knowledge of the Great Goddesses of the past and then came multiple trips descending into the Lower Water World of the Amazon to snatch the pearl from the dragon at the behest of the aforementioned Goddess. My friend Ganesha closed the path back down into the Water World and has steered me in the direction of the Upper World to ascend into the mountains.

Sri Ganesha

I was well aware the Middle World of the earth where I spend the majority of my time is for all intents and purposes ego world. It's all about the individual self and constructing identity. Adventure called to a place I could go to find the higher self. I would find this elusive character and bring him back to the ego world and the quest would be satiated for I am jaguar and I traverse the three worlds. I knew the next step after the Upper World is ultimately death and a physical release from this world into the next, though using past experience as a guide high adventures awaits. Anyway that's the plan.

I'd heard a particular Alan Watts lecture a few times that describes the elusiveness of the ego. It's a well told comparative story where the police respond to a robbery at a residence and the ego as the perp simply escapes up to the higher floor. The gist is the higher self you seek is of the same essence as your ego. You think you can transcend the ego but in actuality you can't because it is a generated feedback attachment of your own making and it fluidly morphs into the higher self and hangs out at the higher level subtly infecting that aspect of your psyche which eventually manifests in your presentation to the world as being an 'enlightened' being; the pioneering psychologist Carl Jung coined this process inflation. This recent listening to the metaphor somehow triggered within the understanding of the interconnectedness of the ego and the higher self. The catalyst was I thought the opposite must be true then - the higher self must be able to descend down to the main floor where the ego makes its home and hang out there. This moment of clarity hit me while I was in the kitchen preparing the evening meal and it stopped me in my tracks. Aha that's it, the higher self I seek I already know very well, he has just been playing along in a game of hide and seek in this great drama all the while. I had a chuckle over that. I've known for a while the seeking I have been obsessed with, which has taken me afar, will lead back to the self but this time it felt really ridiculous. I get on airplanes and fly around the world just so I can find what was me all along! It's preposterous but it's the only way. Practically what a real waste of effort and money but in the end this part of the journey is priceless. I must continue to persist in my folly in order to complete the quest.

The Roman god Mercury and his element's elusive liquid nature with mysterious alchemical properties became illuminated as an apt symbol describing the fluidity that occurs between these two natures of self.

Mercurius

I meditated on this later in the evening to discern the relationship between the ego and the higher self and the role wisdom plays in mediating between the two. The brain is a physical model of universal consciousness to a proportional scale in order to localize it and in the human brain nature achieved the greatest expression of this project. This mechanical model of consciousness generates self centeredness because consciousness innately projects the idea it is the all so naturally when consciousness is generated via the workings of the brain and you become aware of other entities you truly believe in your uniqueness and separate self. This perception leads to self awareness as you compare yourself to other conscious beings and also self reflection from individuated consciousness existing within universal consciousness and the byproduct of these processes is the formation of ego; the ego being the psychic centre of the generated consciousness we access and experience. Lost within this structure is the ability to reconnect with universal consciousness. We are utterly lost within the universe of our own making and it is suggesting we did this on purpose in order to peer in a detached manner into the all. Universal consciousness tricks sentient aspects of itself into believing they are outside of the all in order to look in upon itself; this relationship is illusory but is essential for universal self knowledge. It would have to be understood by the originators of this construct that there would always be shards of consciousness that would eventually see through this ruse. Whether awakening from the dream or snapping out of the hypnosis is the goal of this game is debatable. At what point would the all be satisfied in an inquiry into its fundamental nature? I tend to believe it is a win win situation where the realization of the separate self of their true origin despite heavy odds of it happening, elevates all forms of consciousness to greater heights and reveals an insight into the nature of consciousness that yes it will seek and aspire to greatness despite the traps and detours encountered along the way.

In the world I currently find myself in I will never completely transcend the relationship between ego and the higher self but will only get glimpses of which I have previously attained. Through the use of cactus juice (Huachuma) I fully realized how essential Love is to the process of elevating your consciousness from self centered ego awareness to cosmic oneness - experiencing the light within; a kinship with all life; the Goddess telling me your it; sitting in a boat on the Amazon river fully connected to the all which was this Love I cannot put into words; and there was the moment sitting in the Maloca in the jungle where I became disassociated with identity along with a vision of a closet full of suits, representing identities, which were available for me to try on and assume whatever personality I wished. I already know what I'm seeking on my next adventure so it feels like I seek confirmation of something metaphysical I have now grasped on an intellectual basis and in fleeting transcendental moments. I will fluidly transcend ego self and become the cosmic higher self I am sure of but it is lacking without the heart. There's a reason I had to recover the heart (I called it the pearl earlier in this post) because without the heart the journey stalls. You have to go down, down, down into the depths of darkness to save the princess and establish the relationship between the heart and the conscious self once again in an union that will propel you soaring into the clouds.

A word about wisdom to end this post. The Roman god Mercury is an expression of the Greek god of wisdom Hermes and the roots of this deity travel down into ancient Egypt to their wisdom god Thoth (Djehuty through transliteration of the hieroglyphics).

Thoth from Book of the Dead of Amen-em-hat

Thoth mediates between the warring brothers in the story of the Contendings of Horus and Set. Thoth acts as both scribe and messenger, can perform great feats of magic, and is depicted at times as a baboon as well as an ibis stork. The baboon is of the earthly Middle World but can reach the limits of the sky while swinging through the trees while the ibis is of the airy Upper World but can descend down into the earth and also spends time fishing in the watery Lower World. What I'm describing here is the fluidity that Thoth as wisdom generates to enhance his ability to seamlessly bridge the divide between the metaphysical worlds that encompass the sum total of our psyches. His mysterious and elusive nature allows us to freely move between being self conscious and an enveloping all persuasive consciousness with ease which we can recognize as distinct modes of cognition. It is through worldly experience and the trials of life that this wisdom is attained and finally allows you to profoundly see what is going on. Wisdom comes in a flash and it is very mysterious. You can't bottle it up and contain it so the element of mercury is used to try to describe it as it can easily change shape and mould itself to be present where and when required. The Greeks incorporated an element of a trickster into their conception of Hermes. This is because we tend to over think situations and then start to second guess ourselves leading to confusion. As well by this time in humankind's evolution the Greeks had become aware of the inherent ability to use abstract language, language a gift originally from the gods based on pictograms, to hypnotize and deceive. Hermes is also a very phallic masculine god which delineates him from the intuitional wisdom of the feminine that is very well described in Greek as Pistis Sophia which translated is ‘faith in wisdom’ and from the translation you can derive the intended meaning being essentially intuition from wisdom. To sum up in order to come to terms with the higher self you need the help of Thoth, who is the bridge and the ladder and he will lead you to your destination and once discovered then you will always know.