fruit of the trees

The natural world is so fascinating and offers rich symbolism that can be integrated into the human spiritual journey. The opening chapters of the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament are full of such metaphors, specifically the four rivers that flow into and out of the Garden of Eden and the two well-known trees within the garden - the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 2 (King James Version):

8 And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

9 And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

10 And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

The Garden of Eden is symbolizing the human heart and a place of innocence and love. The four rivers are representing the four valves that provide the heart with blood and in turn pumping the love juice back out. After creation has completed, the innocent Adam and Eve are placed in the Garden of Eden. Being pure of heart they partake in the delights of this paradise. They are instructed by God that they can eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life and live forever but are forewarned not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil lest they perish.

17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Of course, as we all know, the serpent tempts Eve into eating an apple from this tree and now with her eyes opened she has Adam eat as well and lo and behold they don’t die. Genesis chapter 3:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

God comes around and realizes what they have done and they are booted out of the Garden of Eden.

8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.

9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

What happened? The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil gives them the ability to “see” and through this discernment the world comes alive as they objectify their surroundings. The knowledge opens up the dualistic world and with unity now smashed they can no longer stay in the Garden as it is only for the pure of heart. The esoteric teaching being that the path of knowledge will take you away from the path of the heart. The path of knowledge will also lead you towards eventually discovering your divinity as God reveals, "the man is become as one of us.” And herein lies the rub. In order to discover who you are requires one to eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and then transmute that knowledge into understanding and then wisdom. The clock starts ticking on your mortality and the one called God keeps you away from the Tree of Life, which in turn gives the game some urgency to figure it out. As far as I can tell, once you walk the path of knowledge to its conclusion and realize who you are, you give it up and walk the path of the heart back to the Garden of Eden. If you read the Old Testament in its entirety you do sense this undercurrent where the Israelites are heading east trying to get back to the Garden, albeit prematurely. Jerusalem is the Garden and eventually they make it back, though they haven’t given up the worldly knowledge path. The Israelites constantly foul the garden with their worldly activities, leading to calamity after calamity. Jerusalem is constantly destroyed and the inhabitants scattered.

In the New Testament Gospel of Matthew chapter 18, Jesus says that in order to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven one must become like a child again:

2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Now that I have shown you the path of knowledge and the path of the heart it is fairly easy to see what Jesus meant with this statement. Knowledge will lead to one objectifying and treating everyone as separate. The innocent child is still connected to the mother and sees a harmonious world of love and play. The path to knowledge leads to suffering. Jesus is showing us jaded adults the way back to the Garden of Eden which is now called the kingdom of heaven. The kingdom of heaven is externalized as the new Jerusalem coming down from the heavens in the Book of Revelation. In the Gospel of Luke chapter 17, Jesus reveals the true location of the kingdom:

20 And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation:

21 Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

As known to the sages of antiquity, the answers to all you seek are found within with the caveat that you have to exhaust the external search before coming back to the doorstep of self and realizing you are everything. If you want a world of innocence and love it starts and ends with you.

I know readers don’t come here for my hot takes on scripture or bible commentary. There’re plenty of places on the internet to go for instruction however I do offer a unique perspective on the stories and how they resonate with my path and what I have experienced. So, let’s get straight to it. I’ve been involved with plant medicines for almost 9 years and the undercurrent throughout this journey has been the two trees as found in Genesis. Continuously, I have been shown the solution to the suffering in this world is love. It doesn’t matter what the problem is or how insurmountable it is; love is the answer. However, being stubborn, I needed to know. I wanted the knowledge of just who it is I am and what this existence is all about. So, I had to leave the Garden of the Goddess, objectify the other, see myself in everyone, and figure out the game before becoming so aghast at the suffering that the only path to take had to be the path of the heart back to unity; hopefully having imbued the many with some of that love in my travels.

My consciousness exploration has from the beginning involved Goddess and God. I found her first and she wanted to take me away and bathe me in love. My mission into form had other ideas and I had to keep exploring. She gave me her cloak of protection and off I went into the dragon’s lair in order to retrieve the pearl of knowledge I was seeking. The dragon I encountered is God, my erstwhile shadow, though I didn’t realize this knowledge at the time. Instead, I was just scared silly. God was honest with me. He told me he was God and told me to get lost. The knowledge I was seeking was off-limits. It’s a great game I set up for myself that in the end will lead back to the heart. Search long enough and you’ll see it; the path of the heart is joyful and the antidote to the immense suffering.

The dragon is a masterful teacher. Well, he's the shit man. His teaching methods are unique and extreme with the potential to lay waste to you. Courage and bravery are not bestowed upon someone without going through the fire. In other words, you will be tested to see if you do have what it takes. You will experience failure and doubts and the subsequent adversity will ignite the flame of transformation or conversely you will run away and perish. The pearl awaits the intrepid hero and the path back home is thus revealed.

All I have experienced because of eating the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil has shown me though I objectify the other in order to make the universe come alive, all is indeed self. This includes God and Goddess. It’s all me. I see my extremes and get so lost in the separation I lose sight of home. Fear takes over and I go into survival mode. I struggle to find my way back not even knowing what I’m looking for. Eventually, I see what it is I’m looking for in others and they are the catalyst to this feeling of love that stirs within a memory of something so much greater. The path of the heart is lit up and I come back home.

What a great adventure.

weaving duality

I have the ability to confound and confuse with the games I play within my mind. I can walk the edge of sanity and invite the ideas swirling within my mind to come together and reveal universal truths.

Maybe I’m the one who is not real? Maybe I spent all my life denying my inner life and burying it in order that I could come forth and greedily soak up this incarnation. Maybe I should be the one in the darkness? Perhaps I’m the illegitimate one. Maybe I’m the parasite? It’s an interesting way to look at my incarnation. This once again brings me back to the story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. Jacob is the one who came forth and took all the honours away from his twin brother Esau, who was portrayed as a hairy and stupid beast. When Jacob was fleeing Laban for his life, Laban being the father of Jacob's moon goddess wives Rachel and Leah, he was also running from the collective forces of Esau, who were coming to kill him. Jacob knew he was a deceitful thief and hadn’t reconciled with Esau, his shadow. I have a pretty good mystical grasp of the Bible so let me pull out a few verses from Genesis chapter 25 in the King James Version which is describing the birth of the twins Esau and Jacob to illustrate what I’m getting at here.

25 And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.

26 And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

The shadow is the firstborn and the alpha. If you dissect the etymology of Hebrew words used to describe Esau you’ll find they link back to the idea of an ‘eleph that is derivative of the ‘aleph; the symbol for the bull who represents the coursing power of the alpha male which is called the Ka in ancient Egypt and represented in that civilization as well by the bull. Ultimately, there is an untold story here that is describing a hidden power deep within all men that originally came forth first as the life force and through our cunning we took control and buried him in order to keep this adventure all to our self and burdened the redman with the appellation of demon. Later, in Genesis chapter 25 is described a situation where Jacob tricks Esau into giving up his firstborn birthright.

29 And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.

31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.

32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Wow. This knowledge starts to unravel the idea of the sacrifice of the firstborn. In order to claim kingship over self, I sacrificed the firstborn and took his birthright. Later, Jacob deceives his father Isaac into granting him the blessing of the firstborn in order to become a great nation, as Isaac nears death in chapter 27.

6 And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,

7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the Lord before my death.

8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.

9 Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:

10 And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.

11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

12 My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

13 And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

Because of the discovered deceit, Esau vows to kill Jacob.

42 And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.

The situation comes to a head in chapter 32 as Jacob is returning from his exile where he had stayed with Laban and his two daughters for 14 years.

6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.

7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

Jacob is delivered after spending the night wrestling with the angel of God who gives him the name Israel. The angel of God is a manifestation of the alpha male power that all heroes must contend with at some point in their journey if they are to be successful. 

My own experience suggests because whom we call the demon within can become your teacher, there is a co-dependency rooted in the dual nature of existence. I now know with clarity “I”, my bifurcated self, has two masculine polarities and I bury one of them and identify with the other. It’s a lot easier to understand what the ancient Egyptians were trying to teach with the stories of Horus and Set and what the Quariwari shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes were describing with tinkuy and taking the two halves of the man and reconciling them into the centre. In the ancient lore of India, it is the god Shiva who is this destructive power within man. Curiously, Shiva has a Datura leaf in his headdress and from my experiences in the Amazon I know of this Datura plant that they call toé and its ability to take you deep into the darkness of self.

I educated myself in the mythology of ancient Egypt as a casual perusal of my earlier blog posts certainly attests. I was fascinated by the rivalry between Horus and Set and the iconic story told about their conflict which is called, “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The esoteric meaning embedded into this tale is this struggle for mastery within the man. He comes forth by day as the light in the guise of the hero Horus but the journey is not smooth sailing at all as the shadow, represented by the red and powerful beast Set, is intent on claiming kingship for himself. Thus, from the moment Horus comes into this world there is conflict between the two that is said to last 80 years. In other words, our whole life. Ancient Egypt was at its strongest and in its imperial glory when Set and Horus were united as the tying together of the Sema represents.

Set and Horus tying together the Sema

Within the iconography found throughout the land of ancient Kemet are curious images of the union of these two contending powers. The great god Harakhty of the double horizon who ushers in the light and the darkness speaks to this idea. Egypt became weak and eventually was overrun by foreign invaders after they ran Set out of the kingdom as those in power did not recognize the strength with which he imbued the nation and instead blamed all calamities on his influence. 

Ultimately, the ancient Egyptians were cognizant of this psychological split within the psyche of man but projected it onto royalty and left the commoner to a fate where they would never see the light. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land. This destiny is within us all; not just exclusively the purview of kings and queens. 

I have taken all the glory for myself on this path of awakening when in retrospect I’ve seen the split over and over again and am cognizant of the need for reconciliation and power sharing. I am everything. I am god. I am two. I’m Horus and Set. I’m Horus come forth but it is Set who is the power god of this world. I awaken and reclaim my kingdom yet I only have a share in it. In wholeness I truly am God, the dark and the light fully integrated, and that is the journey ahead where I see the blueprint and my destiny that awaits. It is only through the reconciliation of my consciousness which has come forth and the energetic tour de force that lays within that I reclaim my birthright and is a recognition that the two of us together is the reconstitution of God.

God is the sum of the light and the dark. This idea is perfect in that it is us who brings God forth through the reconciliation of our very nature. Reconciliation of duality brings us to God. I have come forth as the light but at the expense of the power I left buried in the shadow. I am Horus or as the Greeks equated him, Apollo. It’s no accident that upon alteration of my consciousness and descending into my very depths this buried power mocked me by loudly whispering, “Apollo, Apollo, Apollo” and then watching me run. This is the eternal struggle and within myth it is all found, hidden in plain sight. The names and the faces change but the drama retains its flavour. Dionysos is the great actor and keeps Apollo from losing himself in his narcissism. At the great oracle temple of Delphi, it is Apollo who grants the gift of prophecy to the Pythia during the ascendance of the vernal equinox; however, it is in the darkness of the winter months that Dionysos reclaims the temple and the surrounding mountains along with his followers, the maenads and satyrs, who celebrate our true nature in an orgy of sensual pleasure.

Now, I know what I have recounted here is very male-centric and does not touch on the destiny of the woman. There’s a good reason why and it is because I’m a man. I don’t know what a woman is struggling with. I view the pinnacle of womanhood as the Great Goddess and I owe the trajectory of my life to her grace. I am sure she is reflected in all women; in fact, she has told me so; however, I don’t know how that is reconciled within the woman. As a man, I know of my psychological split and the need to reconcile the two great powers at the fount of my being and once perfected I become ready for the grand reunion of divine feminine and divine masculine which in mythology is called the Hieros gamos. 

I am content with my discoveries and how I can weave all my knowledge into a coherent thread that I understand. I see the coalescing of world mythology into an overarching theme pointing at a great power within and going on a hero’s journey to write the rest of the story. Take the step and watch your world come alive.

my heart is my mother

My understanding of my inner life has been thrown for a bit of a loop. I have to take stock of the knowledge and situation and re-pattern my thinking and understanding. It is not going to be a flick of a switch; instead, I'll need to meditate on my knowledge in order to find clarity. You see, the problem is I assigned my rapaciousness to my shadow because it made me feel better to offload how abhorrent a world of suffering I had created onto something else. I wanted to be the good guy and denigrate the part of me that wants what he wants. I did a good job of fooling myself.

I have to figure out this split. I assigned the bad to the omnipotent god within I had discovered by repeatedly going into my shadow and encountering the psychic split. I now have the intuitive feeling that I have lumped everything together and created this dragon because I didn't want to come to terms with the horror of self. It is actually a mirror I was looking into and didn't acknowledge the reflection.

I wanted to believe I am the good guy.

I have come forth many times into the world of form. I am an eternal happenstance. That is true; however, my incarnations are all unique. Who I am now is special and will never recur. That's a pretty good clue I successfully ignored. I am an iteration of the great masculine life force. This life force is the Greek zoë who is indestructible. The zoë acts through the bios, which is the feminine body. The body can be destroyed but the life force lives on and cyclically reappears like everything else in this universe. It's all a pattern of on and off, acceleration and deceleration, coming and going, light and dark etc. Duality is what makes the universe come alive and we are perceptive duality machines who constantly objectify energy in order to delineate patterns in this big bucket of chaotic energetic flow.

There's something about our instincts for survival that gives rise to needs and wants. This is the motivating principle behind our lives. Survival and a fear we won't make it; so, like the chipmunk we stuff our cheeks as full as possible with bounty. Those successful at the game of accumulation easily become pathological towards wealth. We are hoarders. We have television shows depicting this psychological condition which reveal the down and out mentally ill living in filth as they can't control their need to accumulate stuff. So, transfer this condition onto money and power. See how the insanely rich in our world are sick. We elevate and put these people on a pedestal and yet they are as psychologically damaged as the hoarder.

I wanted to point this out in order to understand just who we are. This ingrained part of our nature is illuminating and acknowledging it does allow for a little bit of understanding to sink in. It allows one to take responsibility for who they are and to stop denying our darkness. I need to accept this or I'll remained lost. This journey is never ending and there is always so much more. There's a part of me who wants to finish the puzzle and bask in the glory of being done. I figured it all out! However, I'm a long way away and this ship of fools just keeps sailing onwards to new ports of call. My open mind has served me well in addition to being able to accept where I have been wrong as I discover more. I have documented how wrong I have been in this blog space. It is so refreshing and freeing to be wrong and be okay with it.

I have a heart and I do feel the power of love. Love does seem irrational unless I can use it to my advantage. The best part about love is it doesn't work that way and if another discovers you are using love to mislead or to profit off them, the love disintegrates. The ancient Egyptians had a saying that, "My heart is my mother." The heart is the Goddess and is the power that allows the eternal life force to repeatedly come forth when slowed down into matter. My heart is my eternal pulsing signature, akin to a fingerprint, and something we would then call a soul which is a gift of the Great Goddess. The feminine heart in conjunction with the masculine life force creates the energetic form that enlivens the gift of a body with this soul and here we are.

When you watch feel good stories of animal rescues it gives you hope that there is good to be found in humanity. Caring for an animal is a selfless act of love. Sure, there is the friendship aspect of the relationship and a hedge against loneliness but it does go much deeper and involves the path of the heart. When you open your heart, this is what you want to do. You want to help the other; whether fellow human or animal doesn't seem to matter.

I clearly see this and I see how the key to this game is found in the heart and through love. My extremes need to be tempered with love and I intuit that's what this grand game is all about. The outcome is the reconciliation of all power into the middle, the heart space, and radiating out this power in order to touch all who are encountered.

I understand purpose though I denied self. The understanding of self shows me the imperative of walking the path of the heart to heal humanity and by inference self.

I have the whole universe within. I am the magic man and can conjure anything I desire. I'm going to live forever and cyclically re-appear. I will retain my eternal signature and re-appear in continual new forms. I'm the producer, writer, director, and actor all rolled into one and can make of the drama what I choose. Ultimately, I need to stop identifying with the parts of me I like and embrace all of my humanity, see where I am a failure, and sprinkle some of that love power on the fertile soil and then watch it transform and grow into a beautiful flower. 

he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world

The truth is I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy. I treat him as the adversary because he is in opposition to my worldly paradigm of fulfilling my wants and desires. This meat carnival is so inviting and I want my fill. That inner compass, whether moral or just a friendly reminder of the consequences of my actions, I have to bury. He is always there. When I set out to fulfill my desires, I assign the tumult to him in order that I have someone to blame.

I get why people seek an external Jesus. We get an inkling of the spirit and split within us and we are conditioned to find what we are looking for in the external world. Or, we can’t accept that little old us can house a god within. The sages of yesteryear shout at us to look within. So, we look within and initially all we find is a box of repressed feelings, desires, and instincts. It’s quite the project to go even deeper and polish the pearl which lies within the depths of this buried panoply.

Why does Jesus hang out with thieves and whores? Because that’s where we place him. We shut him away in the darkness where we shove all the things about us we hide from society and culture at large. You are the thief. You are the whore. Becoming an atheist means we don’t have to contemplate the inner voice. Becoming a Christian means we can externalize that voice and let some other human power lead us astray and delay the eventual reckoning.

Why do we crucify Jesus every year? Because in order to live this life of desire fulfillment we have to get him out of the way. So, we hang him on a cross and go about our business, free of his interference. He dies for your sins - an ingenious way of transferring responsibility onto the other. Remember, you think you’re the good guy. Jesus subsequently returns and harangues us. Imagine that! Like Peter, every year we have to deny him. 3 times until the cock crows. I know not the man. Please go away, you’re preventing me from living my best life. He doesn’t take the hint; so, once again we point him out to the authorities and hang him on the cross. If you live long enough, you must wonder what’s going on? Imagine being a billionaire, living it up, and every year the light grows within you and you have to abort or pretty soon you are giving away your fortune and helping others.

There’re many names for the god within. The ancient Egyptians called him Amen-Re and he rose to prominence in the Pharaonic 18th dynasty. Amen-Re means hidden light and it’s within where you will find the light. Pharaohs adopted the moniker Amen. Amenhotep - Amen is peace. Tutankhamun - The living image of Amen. You can find him in the devotionals of the commoner of the time who called upon the god in a display of personal piety. My culture calls him Jesus but we don’t teach to look within. There would be no need for our religious institutions if everyone knew of the hidden kingdom within. So, we have churches and tightly controlled religious experiences.

In the third millennium BCE, the ancient Egyptians credited the great Imhotep for the progress of civilization. The pyramid complex at Saqqarah and advances in medicine were all because of him. He was said to be a demi-god - the son of Sekhemet, who was the ferocious healing aspect of the Great Goddess Hathor. Imhotep means, “I come in peace.” Do you see it? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

What a long journey to get to this place coinciding with publishing a blog post recognizing that I met Jesus. I’ve been sitting within myself, alone, for a couple days now and the epiphany hit. It was a gradual build up just waiting for the catalyst. It was a YouTube username that was the incendiary spark. He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

I have written a few times about how I felt Jesus was an avatar for the weak. It’s true, but only in the sense of the external Jesus. The one we invented out of whole cloth and projected out onto the world at large. The neutered power by which others profit. In essence, stealing the power that we all hold within. Hanging on to the image of an external Jesus will prevent the inner exploration that makes you come face to face with who you are. When you meet yourself, trust me, you will run. When you accept who you are, you will be able to find within the hidden light in the labyrinth of self. It’s the treasure.

I know of who is in me. My mushrooms trips are all about the split. The last two months, well ever since I took 2 grams of magic mushrooms on December 1st, I knew I had to figure this out. I went deep into the shadow and laid bare the split. At first, I assigned to him the bad and I took credit for the good. I assigned to him everything I don’t like about myself. I deduced the split I intuited was me the good versus him the bad when in fact these two were both me. I just hadn’t reconciled with who I am. I wasn’t ready to have to take responsibility for the suffering in the world so I did what everyone else does and transferred it onto the other and externalized it. I'm the good guy yet I know I'm not. But I'm not that guy. Once I stopped the game of pretend and accepted I was also the guy with horns and the world is a reflection of what I have brought forth, I saw the truth.

I keep piling up shit and dirt upon him and then point and say he is the bastard. My god, he will wait forever until I wake up. The world is the training ground which allows us to manifest what we need after we get our fill. The human race is defined by conflict. We bury, pour dirt, and shit on the light within. Rinse and repeat. It gnawed away at me and I finally realized it was I who was the bad guy. I knew I could get the answer if I asked and then searched. I knew he’d tell me. He always does.

What a journey to get to this point. I am humbled. I also find this very funny. It had to be this way. I can’t accept anything on blind faith. I need proof and the methodology has to be self-approved. Like Frank Sinatra, I did it my way.

i met Jesus

Want to hear something provocative? Okay, here goes: Jesus is real. Yup, the figure of Christ is not just some fancy made up story to dupe the plebes. I met him a while ago.

Apparently, if you meet Jesus then you have to worship him or something to that effect. I definitely felt the pull but my heart belonged to the Great Goddess so I shook Jesus' hand and that was that. Well, actually I dreamt about him a few months later and the dream involved shepherding me towards accepting Jesus into my heart and worshipping him. I remember waking up from the powerful dream and marvelling at his presence and pull.

The existence of Jesus is a cultural psychic phenomenon. That is why he is real. The collective consciousness of a group of people will psychically manifest the energetic representation of who and what they are conjuring. The same goes for Satan. He is as real as Jesus.

I've told this story before but I get a kick out of it so I'll re-tell and add to its lore. In 2013, I went on a trip into the Amazon jungle to discover shamanism and drink the magic potion called Ayahuasca. I was called to it because of my relationship with the Great Goddess, whom I had discovered in my search for meaning in this world. I had gone to Egypt in 2009 which had ignited a spark within that culminated in fulfilling an extensive search for a method to come into direct contact with her. I was not disappointed as within twenty minutes of drinking Ayahuasca she was right there with me. I participated in a couple more ceremonies and they didn't go as planned. To sum it up, they scared the shit out of me.

I was a few years past middle age and I had never taken any kind of serious mind-altering drug before so I was incredibly naive when it came to the use of the plant medicine Ayahuasca. In addition, I wasn't aware of any preparation needed to undergo this initiation, nor did I approach with the necessary seriousness. I abstained from spices and pork for a few days as told. I was to also stay away from alcohol but upon landing in Iquitos and being down by the Amazon river I wanted to take it all in with a beer. I had 48 hours before ceremony so why not? In other words, I was flippant and clueless. The day before entering into the jungle I did a boat tour of the local Amazon river and as part of it navigated through this shithole community called Belén which consists of a bunch of rickety floating houses on the Amazon. These people have nothing. No land, poor as all get out, and living a life so foreign to me. The subsequent plant medicine ceremonies were powerful and left my ill-prepared self dazed and confused. When I left the jungle and returned to the city of Iquitos, I was still in the intoxication. I was hearing the shaman's voice singing the icaros in my head. His bell was still reverberating in my mind and I was still shaken from all I had experienced. I was a psychological mess and I knew I needed to get out of there and go back home. I couldn't sleep that night because my mind wouldn't return to normal and instead just kept feeding back on itself. The next afternoon while waiting for a flight back to Lima I went to the boardwalk down by the river and walked around for a bit. I eventually rested at a spot that is at one of the ends of the path and it is next to the big Catholic church in Iquitos. I looked up and I saw this dude with long dark hair and a beard coming towards me with a big smile on his face. The following account is the truth - this really happened. He asked me where I was from. I said Toronto, Canada. He replied, "Nice to meet you Paul." He shook my hand and walked away. This freaked me right out because there's no way he could know my name. I was in a bad psychological state and it took a monumental effort to keep it all mentally together at this point.

If you were going to picture what Jesus looked like from the stories we hear about him, this guy was it. Later, I happened upon a poem I had written over a year ago where I had penned this line in it that exclaimed, "I saw Jesus at a rest stop." I had forgotten about the poem and what I wrote so when I re-read it I got those tingles and thought to myself holy Christ! I had foreshadowed this meeting. Then as I said, I had the dream involving Jesus. Furthermore, I learned that the Spanish "Belén" was referring to Bethlehem and Jesus, as he is apt to do, was hanging out with the poor.

So, yeah, I have met Jesus.

And thus, the question: If he is real and you know about him why don't you worship him? Well, you see he is a cultural phenomenon and he exists in our culture so that when you have an all too common human spiritual awakening he is present to shepherd you into the church. The church enforces cultural conformity and slavery. You are stopped dead in your path of awakening and give away your power to another entity that is reaching out with its many tentacles to ensnare you. I have said it before and I'll say it again: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you can't stand the thought of freedom and speaking up for yourself then he's your guy. If you tremble, panic, and run before the face of God then get to him through Jesus. However, if you want to walk that spiritual path to the end then you have to go it alone.

There're so many obstacles on the path towards spiritual awakening. Eventually, you come to expect them and easily see their presence. I'm not sure this makes it any easier to avoid or escape, however you are aware.

The physicists, material scientists, and their ilk will definitely scoff at my assertion that Jesus is real and of course they should. Brilliant minds suffer from intellectual myopia because they are experts in their chosen field and subsequently they think all their pronouncements are valid when applied to every other aspect of the human condition. The human mind is fascinating and group dynamics that result in collective consciousness are poorly understood and from my perspective and experience I see so much unexplained psychic phenomenon that is dismissed out of hand just because we can't reliably measure it. What happened to me is as real as real can be. To this day, I remember it as clear as a bell. What I find so incredible is that I had been inculcated by my upbringing and culture to manifest this collective perception of Jesus when I was ready to have that peculiar human spiritual awakening. Just a slight opening of the doors of perception revealed a Pandora's Box of psychic human treasure. I upset the apple cart of expectations by venturing out on my own and first discovering the Great Goddess so that when Jesus came a calling I shook his hand, shook my head, and continued on. This life is very funny.

Jesus is real and he lives in Iquitos. 

edge of the cliff

The plant medicine journey has made me aware of culture, its hold on me, and my internal cry for freedom. The journey is gradual and methodical as you slowly wake up and realize how ingrained and entrenched you are in the system. The most fascinating part of this whole journey is that immediately upon entering into this occult world I was shown how enslaved I was. I reacted negatively and just wanted the alteration of perception to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the comfort of my world where I toiled in obscurity for someone else, got my three-square meals a day, and a comfortable pillow. The truth was too much to take all at once. I ran home. Two years later, I re-started the intensive phase and this time I have peeled away the layers of the onion one by one until there is nothing left. I stand at the end of the road where all that remains is the precipice where you make the decision to jump or to turn back and bend the knee to your master.

I'm the one leading myself into a situation where I will be forced to reap all I have sown. I have to do it. I can't stay working at a job that drains me of my will to do anything about what I know and to walk that path forward in life. I'm just running out the clock on my life and I'm soon going to be too old to make the difference in the world I wish to make. I waste my days doing a job I really don't need to do. I have what I need. I can let go. Sure, it is life changing and involves risk but deep down I know it is what I want and I'm inexorably headed in that direction. My shadow and I both want this. The only way he was going to extricate me from the long and slow descent into oblivion was to yank it away from me. So, here we are. My sword is the freedom sword.

The greater good. What a devious psychological trap. The masquerading superego writ large. The weight of cultural conformity coming for all those who don't bend the knee. No matter the crisis, real or imagined, the forces of control will always seize the opportunity and use the confusion to further sink their claws into you. Reclaim your power. Whatever the original crisis was, it's over. This is a psychological battle for control between the puppeteer who modulates your behaviour and rewards you so as to condition you versus the force within you longing to be free. It's frustrating because I bide my time waiting for people to wake the fuck up. Being obedient doesn't allow you to reclaim your freedom from an entity that doles it out. Freedom is taken by being rebellious.

Instead of the greater good which involves the sacrifice of self to another controlling entity, there's another way. It's called for the good of all. What's the first stop on the road to service? Heal thyself, grasshopper. If you are still sick, you can't help another; you will just infect them will the same bullshit that sullies your light. For the good of all, wake up, free yourself of your chains, and then offer yourself in service to others who are on the path of awakening.

Your master gets you to bend the knee on the regular to inculcate and remind you of whom you serve. You do it so often that eventually it becomes ingrained and you learn to love your imprisonment. The Russian philosopher George Ivanovich Gurdjieff succinctly summed up the human condition with this quote:

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”

Additionally, he recognized the forces within society that keep you down and in turn make you love your servitude.

“In order to awaken, first of all one must realize that one is in a state of sleep. And in order to realize that one is indeed in a state of sleep, one must recognize and fully understand the nature of the forces which operate to keep one in the state of sleep, or hypnosis. It is absurd to think that this can be done by seeking information from the very source which induces the hypnosis."

I like my job and willingly give away the best of myself so that my masters can profit off of my gifts. I am given controlled compensation that allows me to reap the rewards which culture offers me. I get a nice place to live, can raise a family, and use some of my money on leisure and entertainment while being mindful of saving for when the time comes and I'm no longer of use to my cultural masters. Gurdjieff continues:

".... One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man.”

This has always been in the back of my mind; however, I was scared to take the step to walk away. I was destined to run out the clock on life and take the easy way into my eventual demise. Change seems daunting and I'm not sure about what is behind door number 3. I can have some degree of confidence in what life will look like if I continue to toil for my master and I can get more of a handle on the future. If I stay asleep and in chains things will be easier.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca way back in 2013 part of the mental beatdown I received concerned the weight of culture and how I was in chains. I clearly saw my role in culture and how it could all come crashing down within moments if people found out about my flaws. All of the good will and social credit would disappear in mere seconds. It was like my secrets were being used to keep me in line so I'd stay in the game. Then I had a vision of how I was a slave. I lived in a run-down hut in some far away land toiling away for a master and this situation had followed me through many lifetimes. I misread the vision and thought I was going to enslaved in the jungle when instead Ayahuasca was showing me how that in my life back home I was a slave through metaphor. I remember being so beaten down by my first exposure to plant medicines that I just wanted to go home, return back to my former life, go back to work, put the chains willingly back on, and never do this again. Wow! Trying to break free of the hold of culture and the superego is monumental. I was being shown I'm in bondage and I was frightened. I just wanted to return to my master. Talk about Stockholm syndrome. The integration of plant medicine experiences is a multi-year project and little by little I came to understand all the while embracing freedom and clearing out space for that liberty to blossom in my life. The flower has come forth and it's beautiful.

I have many times in this blog space written about my shadow. He is the great magician and controls the material outcomes of this world. I could ask him for anything and he will grant the wish and in return ask for a favour as recompense. I get what I want, fulfill my desires, and he then gains control over me. That's his role in this adventure of life. There's a shortcut to get out of your predicament which is available to you once you discover this guy. I found him and saw how I can serve my cultural corporate masters or I could serve him. Either way, I'm not free. I have been fortunate to be wonderfully naive when I first stumbled onto this power and side-stepped it. Then I was drawn to a great maestro who taught me about the trappings of power while concurrently learning about cultivating and protecting your freedom at all costs.

I'm not really sure why I became enthralled with the idea of freedom? Maybe it is from cultivating the voice within that doesn't like being told what to do? We all have that but soon learn in life to pick our battles and if someone is paying you, you shut up, and just do your job. I'm good at that while retaining an inner fire that still burns with a longing to be free. I've never been happy working but have instead hypnotized myself into accepting this is just how it is.

I remember in my youth the first time I rebelled against being told what to do. My dad told me I needed to cut my hair shorter or I wouldn't be allowed to participate in his church anymore. No more playing on their sports teams. The carrot was dangled in anticipation I would give in and learn to accept authority over myself. I don't know why but something in me said no and I stood my ground. I was 16 at the time and I remember it set off an internal chain of events that had me looking towards leaving home and setting off on my own, no matter how difficult it would be. I was determined to be free.

I stand at the same crossroads and see the pressures of my corporate masters wielding the same knife over me to conform and reaffirm my servitude. I am a really good employee so the battle of wits should get interesting. I know what awaits and I have reconciled with the outcome. I talk a good game of freedom and eventually it is time to act.

It's so funny. I write about freedom all the time. I write about integrity. I champion these values. I'm a worthy foil to my shadow and I know he marvels at the fact I continuously choose freedom over his offers of gobs of power. I mean who does that? I could have it all. I know it. I stand above the crowd and could become uber-successful and win the culture game. I maintain a little freedom over my condition and hide within the corporate world. My shadow is the master teacher and he has taught me to become a warrior. I already had the freedom gene and now he forged steel by adding in some courage and bravery. He has prepared me for the next lesson. The time is now. The lesson is in my face now. Do it. Take back total freedom and escape the prison you have acquiesced to. Fulfill your destiny.

It's coming soon. I had a bunch of time off and realized how much happier and healthier I am while not giving away my life force to some corporate entity that will callously throw me to the curb once I have expended my usefulness to them. I snapped out of the hypnosis and see the enslavement. I have this feeling of hatred of my master that grows every day. I have returned to the feeling of my youth where I knew I had to plot my escape.

My shadow has brought me to this moment, letting me make the continual choices along the way so I can be assured it is my decision. His magic put the necessary events into motion knowing full well what it would take to get me fully awakened and then take the final step into freedom. I trust his guidance and I marvel at watching the narrative crumble. He's the best. Time to enjoy the show.

Concurrent events coalescence into the end of a teaching, graduating, and moving on to the next stage in the course of your life. Failing the semester means you remain trapped in the world, serving another, knowing you struck out in the quest to become free. This whole set up is intriguing. I mean the pandemic has different meanings for everyone and alters the course of their life in different ways. How it will affect me and be part of my curriculum is different than yours. I think the pandemic was something I created because I needed a way to rip myself away from this waste of time called a job. I needed something to wake me up, force me to take stock of my life, and realize I didn't need to do that ridiculous grind anymore. I could take back my freedom.

Time to jump. 

projections of self

Ever since I began my exploration with psychedelics what has intrigued me to no end has been the darkness or what some may call the lower self and I refer to him throughout this blog space as my shadow. I spent many years and ceremonies fighting him before I had an about face and started to get to know this aspect of self. We are brothers and we continuously fight however now that I’m awake and aware of my psychic split I have been making amends and am on my way towards reconciliation, inner peace, and harmony. I will get there and it will be soon.

I have written a great deal about this relationship and my intent in this post is to not rehash this part of my journey. Rather, I wish to explore what is called my higher self. It is another concept of the psyche and I have for the most part neglected it on this spiritual path of mine. Weird, right? It is strange because it is the ideal everyone on the vaunted and hallowed spiritual path heads towards and considers the pinnacle of spiritual achievement. The good old pure and holy sect. I’m very curious and eventually I do get around to examining all facets of what I have gotten myself into. Nothing is sacred or off-limits, demon or angel. Conceptually, this higher self is resembling the ideal that a great deal of the big religions push upon their flocks as the ultimate in spiritual attainment. I’m referencing here the Buddha Mind and Christ Consciousness. In Christianity, the ideal of Christ as being selfless and loving is tinged with the idea of judgment. You are being judged and are expected to become like Christ and as a human it is an impossible task.

Now, this aspect of judgment leads me to believe the God we humans created can be thought of as the psychological concept of the superego where the superego takes on the role of shepherding you into your place in culture and society and dictates what is expected of you. If you do not live up to these expectations, you are shamed into conforming. From birth to death there is always an authority figure in our lives beginning with our parents until we rebel as we mature. Society and government then assume the role of authority when we give in and decide to play the culture game in order to access the rewards of life. There is always this layer of conforming to someone else’s wishes that prevents us from being really free. So, when we transfer the authority figure onto the religious racket we get the ideal that the parishioners are trying to live up to and failure to do so leads one to believe they have a way to go before they become pure and holy. This understanding of the higher self leads me into thinking that this concept of the higher self we strive for is just another way we have transferred our need for authority onto the spiritual path when in truth the game is to become free.

I get this intuitive feeling that the higher self is an obstacle on the path that obfuscates and prevents you from accessing the inner knowledge of self and who you are that in turn will set you free. It’s an exquisite game and the game board designer was very crafty in throwing in these blocks and wrong turns in the maze of life that prevent you from ever solving the puzzle. The problem always comes from looking externally for the answer. It gets you every time and the ruse of the higher self accomplishes just this task. It points you towards an ideal of spiritual attainment or enlightenment that you will never reach and you devote all your energy to desperately trying to become like Jesus or the Buddha. You remain deferential to this external concept of God as the master ruling authority, to wit the king of the universe, and never realize the real master of the universe is you and you are playing a pretty good trick on yourself.

I see the similarities with my shadow because upon discovery and exploration of my lower self I was warned many times by him to turn back, that he will kill me, and to look no further. Ultimately, he was teaching me courage through transformation of my weak-assed self as in all honesty you are not going to get far on this path without massive helpings of courage and bravery. The exploration of the higher self does not result in overt threats of death but instead places before you an ideal you will never attain and then lords over you your lack of ability to reach the ultimate goal to keep you in your place and you never realize your divinity and connection in this most interesting game called life. It is only when you give up this crazy idea of becoming ultra-holy and spiritual that you get into the inner temple. As long as you cling to the belief in sinlessness you’ll never reach your destination.

These similarities in preventing the self from discovery of just who they are led me to believe the lower self and the higher self are the same psychic entity whom we treat as the other. In essence, the higher and lower self are projections of self. The higher self being something so great that is unattainable and the lower self being all the things about me that I bury. I objectify these traits and create psychic manifestations. I double down on who I think I am and use the higher and lower self to prevent me from seeing the truth. When you see the truth, it means the adventure is winding down because you solved the puzzle. It was fun to keep the game going as long as possible but now you are awake, the cover is blown, and you see past the veil. I look around at my fellow game players and smile because they don’t know. I’ll keep quiet about it and just enjoy the show.

Unfortunately, the show I can only enjoy for so long before I start to question why I did this to myself. I love the adventure and I love puzzles. The hero's journey is this adventure to figure out the riddle and after many incarnations where I lost my life, eventually like the addicted video game player, I made it to the end of the game. I beat the final boss; you know that dragon who kept laying waste to me and making me re-start my game while hopefully remembering some of the pitfalls that had previously tripped me up. So, here I am. I beat the game! It soon became obvious to me what's next on the path. This is my world and it is a mess. Now that I know what this all about, I have an eternal project which involves reconciliation of my opposites and tempering these extremes with love. This will get me out of the mess. I've got forever to accomplish the task. Now that I'm awake it's time to get to it.

good trip bad trip

Plant medicine experiences run the gamut of human extremes. In other words, a trip can be very enlightening or paradoxically it can send you into the darkest depths of your soul. The yo-yo is hard to take and is a major reason why a lot of seekers will give up the use of mind-altering substances on the spiritual path. They will develop a narrative which obfuscates the real reason why they eschew the plant medicine modality. After your first taste of the light and the dark with the master teachers, the clock starts ticking, the hour glass is flipped over, and you have a short time to reconcile the madness. You can run but you cannot hide and to continue with the plants demands one become a warrior. Strange enough, once you pick up your sword your courage multiplies exponentially and the game of good trip, bad trip becomes something to look back at and smile upon. What an exquisite game!

The plant medicine path is a path of reconciliation. The first obstacle is presented as the polar extremes of light and dark which come at you as good trip, bad trip, and without passing this test you are done. Failed the class and now the decision to retake the test or drop out. It's an ingenious way to determine if there is a hint of courage or bravery within the epidermis of self. Without the warrior mentality, failure is assured. Advancing beyond the fear grants one the opportunity to explore and in the process of searching for the answers, which originally led you to the plants, you develop a clarity that allows you to see beyond the veil and discover who you are and why you are doing this.

Good trip/Bad trip was the primer. Clarity reveals the creation of your world is the result of this paradigm where the objectification of your polar extremes enables the mind to go into default separation mode and bring the world to life. You know light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain and everything in between. Life is made possible through separation and the experiences that populate the journey from one extreme to the other. All is well and good except that it isn't. The extremes that bring the game to life lack love and compassion.

The first part of the plant medicine journey which involves fear of the unknown is akin to the archetypal hero's journey. It's an adventure that takes you around the world in exploration to find the meaning of life and eventually the signs point towards going within. Upon exploration of your inner world, soon you encounter the dragon and this astronomical fear from the beatdown demonstrates that you are no hero. You are no warrior; just a soft human being living on the periphery of life ensconced in some mental adventure buoyed by books and the tales of others. This game is for keeps and this hero certification isn't handed out like a weekend workshop demonstrating you are good to go. Oh, hell no! You have a lot of work ahead of you and you have to demonstrate you are worthy or get out of the way and let someone else give it a go.

Crunch time asks the questions: Why are you doing this? What are your intentions? You start to see the available power and most take up the offer to enrich their human life. The majority of potential heroes fall by the wayside and the remainders still on the path are a scant few by this point. Your intentions are necessarily pure and have to revolve around a creed of service or there is actually no way to make it this far. Your choices determine your status along the path in a way that no flowery turn of phrase could fool the gods. You are an open book.

What does this service entail? At the core of service is the leading of one towards the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is discovered by going within, walking through the door of knowing that is beckoning you to enter, and finding what you are looking for by yourself. One in service will point the way and support you in your journey. The knowledge of God is designed to transform by showing you that hurting the other is to hurt yourself. The suffering in the world is the result of this otherness. Love everyone, serve everyone, and remember God.

The hero's journey is the path of awakening. Bring forth the light within. Burying the light creates the suffering in the world. Your solemn duty is to cultivate and bring forth the spark that lies within you which has been buried by concepts of identity and culture. The hero's journey is essentially the quest to find God. Once found, we get down to business and the meaning of life. The meaning, if there is one, is to take our polar extremes which manifest creation and temper them with the love of the Goddess. God awakens and then searches for her. She is the one who makes him complete and transforms the metal into gold. It's the long way around to re-discovering that love is indeed the key to life.

speaking of tarot

What's that old saying by Lao Tzu? Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. Similarly, we have an expression about how the fool opens his mouth and the wise keeps quiet, with the roots of this admonition coming from the Old Testament Book of Proverbs. Chapter 17 has these gems (New International Version):

27 The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

I was thinking about these pearls of wisdom primarily due to becoming interested in Tarot. Within this peculiar subclass of the occult I marvel at the amount of people who go around calling themselves so and so. I'm a witch. I'm this. I'm that. I'll solve all your problems. It's a common human affliction which is not attributed to just this genre. I've kind of recently put two and two together in that the same game is played by the holy spiritual pedlars and the self-help gurus.

Imagine if you have a legitimate spiritual awakening at some point in your life and then you go on an adventure to try and figure out what happened? We are all fools at this point, just begging to be exploited. We open our mouth and the accepted cultural institutions such as the church are lying in wait, ready to inculcate you with their beliefs and extract their pound of flesh. Alternatively, the more exotic tentacles of the mysterious eastern paths are reaching out to pull you in along with a host of other modalities which promise spiritual fulfillment. The grift is they perpetually keep you a follower. You may become an evangelist of the method if you prove your worth but never will you become king. You may stay on the treadmill in search of that elusive enlightenment with the expectation someone is going to tell you that you are enlightened. Maybe you will get a certificate that says you are at the pinnacle of spiritual knowledge from a fellow game player who probably doesn't really know either and like the fool believes themselves to be wise. The Tarot teaches we all begin in ignorance and play the fool. The key word is begin and as you progress along the game board of life and observe the actions of the species, you become wise if you have kept your mouth shut and followed your own innate inner guidance system. If you want a way to separate the wheat from the chaff, in other words, the good teacher from the one who has their own best interests at heart it is this: The good one will tell you don't need them anymore once they see you are headed in the correct direction. They point the way and show you the door. This is shamanism at its finest. Here's the door. Walk in, all by yourself, and do the work. I see similar in the teaching of Zen where the teacher will get you to talk yourself out until mentally exhausted so you give up and thus begins the process of clarity where you will eventually realize the truth and become enlightened. Ultimately, the path being nothing special at all.

The self-help industry is huge. We are talking billions and billions of revenues and the helpers all jockey for their piece of that scrumptious pie. As a society we give accreditation to the psychologists because they have to go to university and spend lots of time and money to validate their accumulation of knowledge. They are the one-up specialist who can charge a pretty good fee in order to give you the help you need. As I have previously opined, I find in our society the therapist is usually the one most in need of help and is subconsciously using their position in order to get the help they need. They see their pathology in their patients and then experiment on them, hoping to find the answer that will free them. It's such an exquisite profession! A step down from the psychologist is the coach. The coach doesn't need the degree and usually has a certificate from a weekend workshop which then sends them on their way into the world of self-help. If you spend some time in these circles you will discover this peculiar secret: Most of the people they are helping are other coaches! A self-help coach is a neurotic who passes the baton of low self-esteem around in a circle hoping not to be in possession when the music stops. I followed a coach for a few years, mostly out of a sense of duty. They were smart and had good advice but ultimately, they still needed to sort out their demons. I mean man they were fucked up and they knew it. They would sink into the depths of despair only to re-emerge energized. But that was the pattern of high and low and they never found balance. Their coaching practice was a way for them to work out their own shit and in doing this they could acquire followers who related to their suffering. When you suffer you think you are making progress thus the appeal of such a path. What happens when they are shown a way out of the suffering? They won't take that path because suffering defines who they are. If they give up suffering then they lose their identity. If you are still reading this post, I think you already know about the spiritual path and the ego and therefore I won't need to explain why they can't get off the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.

The best methods of spiritual awakening self-destruct. A method's utility is in its ability to point you in the direction which will allow you to discover your truth about who you are and why you are involved in this game of life. The ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan advised his students to kill the Buddha. Not only is this provocative teaching instructing you to let go of the teacher; ultimately, it is telling you to destroy the method because without the icon the spiritual system hangs its proverbial hat on, the whole thing falls apart. Buddhists won't admit to the last part as their whole game disintegrates without the supreme enlightened one the practitioners strive to become; much like the Christian Jesus who is so pure no mortal can attain his level and thus we are trapped forever in some perverse holier than thou game. In this spiritual game you identify as a Buddhist. The ego is very tricky and will prevent you from taking the final step. You're a human being. Why don't you explore the cyclical nature of your desire system and discover just who you are? Becoming a permanent Buddhist means giving away your innate power through attachment to method. You don't need to remain attached to the method of awakening. The utility of the Buddha lies in getting you to explore the nature of self; to question why you suffer and see the way out. When you discover the way out perhaps you'll find the middle way. All methods of awakening are traps but as a novice you need a method. Once the alarm clock on the method sounds it is up to you to turn off the alarm and not go back to sleep.

To come full circle in this blog post is to return to the idea that those who know don't speak. The former rational me would chuckle at folly such as Tarot. One who believes in this bunk and woo entertain the heights of irrationality. For sure the cards enchant and a spectacle can be created that entertains but come on you can't take this seriously. And therein lies the rub and the magic. If you don't believe in the cards then certainly they don't work. In fact, they will never work. If you want to believe in the cards that too is not enough. To understand Tarot is to intuitively know the secret and thus understand why they work.

How do the cards work? To be continued?

mycelium exploration

When I first tried magic mushrooms I got what I wanted in terms of a deep dive into the shadow and the experience was so strong I was unsure I wanted to do them again. This hesitancy was not due to fear but rather I found the whole night to be difficult and the draining of my energy was something to take into consideration as it takes a few days to recover. Within a few days, I knew I would trip again as the insights were very rewarding and now that I had some bearing on what the mushroom trip entails, I could prepare myself more for what is to come. I know I'm not going to experience the shiny and happy trips of innocent wayfarers as my introspective nature and prior experience with psychedelics will always usher me towards the fringes of the mystery.

Something I realized with the mushroom is how little an amount you have to ingest and how relatively easy they are to acquire. Because of this, there is a simple way to introduce someone who is interested in altering their consciousness into this mysterious world. It's all right there waiting for you. Just a slight alteration of consciousness will send you on a path towards waking up and once awake there's no turning back. It's all choice in how you want to use this knowledge and power. For sure, they are not for everyone and indeed I have been struck by the power and profundity of the experience from just two dried mushrooms. I feel confident in their solo use but for a novice explorer I would not recommend such a method because they are so powerful. They do have the capacity to scare you shitless, much like I experienced the second time I drank Ayahuasca. That session could have easily spiralled out of control into a bad ending had it not been for the ceremonial aides who kept an eye on me while I was having my freak out.

I tried a different strain of the mushroom, this one called "Amazon". Heck I know the Amazon jungle! It's where I first tried psychedelics. Nostalgia is calling out to me, lol! I measured out just under 2 grams, as that is my dose. Mushrooms for me are so strong and I don't need more in order to go off into unchartered territory. The visuals from 2 grams are as strong as Ayahuasca. The split in my psyche is present and I can explore. The intoxication as presented gives me the same kind of feeling as any prior psychedelic journey and the ripping of reality into energetic patterns is pretty much the same.

The first time I tripped with magic mushrooms I kept my eyes open for a lot of the initial phase and it resulted in my surroundings becoming fluid with a great sense of the hypnotic nature of the tryptamine intoxication. As I awaited the onset of the mushroom this time, I actually felt a little bit of fear and anxiety, which I couldn't shake. I kept my eyes closed for most of the journey with the result being a very intense visionary experience. The intoxication took hold as the song "Medicine Chant" by Anilah was playing. The visuals started in a familiar fractal presentation of a performance of the spectrum of light. I felt a little trepidation about how this journey was beginning, not being sure what this visual presentation would evolve into. I steadied the ship, kept my wits about me, and then this epiphany struck: I always fight these introductory visuals instead of just enjoying the show. I finally understood this light show was the Goddess putting on a divine performance. I don't know why I fear the onset; I finally realized this dance of energetic form is her giving me an otherworldly performance. I let go and realized this was the opening act to a grand adventure and then I saw the incredible beauty which was at hand. The symmetry and artistry in combination with the multi-layered brilliance of Anilah's musical composition was breath-taking. I cannot possibly describe what I witnessed so I'm not going to even try. What a show! This is something to look forward to in any subsequent trip now that I finally got it.

My first trip with the mushroom was centred on my inner masculine split and a lifting of the veil between us. I did not intuit the presence of the Goddess and thus categorized my mushroom trip as being a modality without her presence. She decided to have fun with me and school me right off the start of this second voyage. As mentioned, the night opened with a sublime performance of the grace and beauty of the Goddess. There she was in all her glory putting on a celestial show for the ages. Wow! A performance of legendary and cosmic proportions for the full 15 minutes of this stunning musical composition. I buried my face in the palms of my hands due to the emotional outpouring of love and the grandeur of the performance. I was stunned. Grateful. Head in hands emotional. I felt that if this was it for the night, it was complete and a smashing success. As the song concluded, the energetic outpouring which defined this performance tapered off and the visions became more scenic and playful in conjunction with the music of Trevor Hall which had an eastern flavour to it. I started to envision multiple dream worlds that would populate my mind's eye. With an opening of the eyes I could make the created world go away and upon closing my eyes a new world would form. I let go of my thoughts and the experience was all play. The magic mushroom trip sure was fun and blissful. I remembered the line from a Beatles' song, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream." I now definitely see the appeal of such a fun trip with psychedelics as it was indeed a gas to continuously create different worlds. My music playlist abruptly switched to two songs by the grunge band Alice in Chains. They are depressing songs and the first one called "Nutshell" has the singer lamenting he is not free and considering suicide. As the intro to the song played, the vibe in my visions became dark, almost like a sudden storm approached where the temperature drops and it gets dark. I felt the pull of the depression the singer was emoting try to pull me into that world with fellow travellers on a ship ahead of me beckoning and trying to seduce me into following them into the pit of despair. I know I love this song because of the heart wrenching pouring out of the guy's soul which translates into such a compelling tune. I resisted the pull and just observed how these feelings create and shape our world. How we actually perceive the world is a direct result of our inner life which is crafted by how we feel. The next song was "Would" and it was a raw live performance. From a bird's eye perspective, I saw a crowd of people cheering on the band. Again, I got a very dark feeling and a large dragon appeared in the middle of the crowd. The song is about drug abuse, specifically heroin, and the dragon is the great destroyer. I intuitively knew this and so I marvelled at this vision instead of the old me who would have been scared out of his wits at the sight of a menacing dragon. I felt empathy with the crowd who at this point were representing the addiction of the band. I saw the dragon grow in size and I intuited a connection with a world that is getting very dark. My playlist transitioned into four psychedelic Beatles songs and I relaxed and reclined in my chair and just enjoyed the show. Soon after, I tired of the visions and listening to music so I decided to turn it off and go lay down. About an hour and a half had passed which was about the same time as my first trip when I turned off the music and decided to lay down.

This strain of mushroom was decidedly more playful than the first. They were equal in their intensity though I'd say the second trip had less of a defined edge to it and I was more in tune with the visions. When I got up to go lay down on the sofa, I noticed the energetic pulse throughout the room, something which is familiar to me from drinking Ayahuasca. To describe it is as such - there is a slight discombobulation of the fabric of being where the illusion is slightly off, not all together, and I see it as this subtle pink, purple, and a green kind of presentation which is making up the world. It looks like it is revealing that this world is a vision as well but one we have convinced ourselves is real so we don't see that it is just another illusion. When I laid down the visionary activity did not want to cease and it took me into yet again another meeting with my brother, my shadow, much like my first experience where the veil between us was lifted and I had to play psychologist for almost three hours. This time I witnessed the utter domination and power which my shadow has over the world and how it manifests. He's the god of the world and has almost everyone worshipping him in some form. Power. We all want a slice of that pie. It was tough to watch. I objectified him as the other to stave off self-hatred as the suffering and depravity he caused was terrible. How is forgiveness possible for such acts? Think of the worst things that humans do to each other and that's what I saw my shadow was responsible for. The enormity of change and forgiveness required to reconcile seemed all too great. The reckoning soon came.

I'm complicit in this debacle because I do nothing about it. Indeed, I use it to my benefit. It's a zero-sum game and for myself to live in comfort someone else has to suffer. It is just easier and convenient to project this malfeasance onto my shadow and bury the knowledge of it. This way I can attribute the suffering to him, the other, and be horrified but done with it. It's not me so I'll try and make it better but I'm not the one responsible. Soon, I saw the error in my thinking knowing that I was objectifying the shadow as the other in order to escape blame for the world's suffering. He is my brother and I'm as much him as he is me. He creates and I introduce calm so there is some sort of balance and stability to the madness until the unencumbered energetic force comes pouring out again. I saw this dragon was me. I see this in my fellow game players. Wow - we are all masters of deception. Surely, I'm not the only one though I realize I'm one of the few who are awake and can clearly see it. My brother hates me because I'm the self-righteous asshole who tries to stand above the fray and take no responsibility. I'm the passive aggressive one who takes his share of the bounty and lives his life of comfort while others suffer and then points at the objectified nameless shadow and says, "Look, it's all his fault. He's the despicable one!"

Play! All we do is squabble. We created this world and instead of having a grand adventure we get under each other's skin and argue, fight, and then destroy. We create suffering as payback to being slighted in the tiniest of ways.

My shadow has always threatened to kill me when the veil drops and I enter his world. He didn't threaten me this time. It's because I know I'm him and even though I started out this experience by objectifying him as the other, as I searched for answers I had to accept he is me. Killing me is killing myself. I'm awake and trying to figure out the answers to why I need to continually fight my brother. Why am I loathe to admit I'm the scoundrel? I think that's the reason. It's easier to blame the other.

In the Old Testament, the Garden of Eden is a metaphor for the human heart. The four rivers flowing into and out of the home we long to return to are representing the four valves of our physical human heart. Upon gaining the eye-opening awareness from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil after the apple incident with the serpent, Eve and Adam are no longer pure of heart and thus thrown out of the Garden. Scripture then becomes a story of the longing to return to the heart. A careful reading of the conclusion of the Book of Revelation will reveal that Christianity considers itself the guide and answer which will lead the adherent back to this initial state of purity. Here are the first two verses from the concluding chapter 22 (New International Version).

1 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

We find only mentioned the tree of life from the Garden of Eden. No longer referenced is the tree of knowledge, which will lead your heart astray.

Now, it is definitely not my intention to shepherd you towards Christianity. I just like to point out connections and common human afflictions and their offered solutions as I see them.

This world is a creation of our own making. The masculine provides the infinite amount of energy and the feminine gives the energy form. Within each gendered provider are contending forces. I am privy to my split in the masculine coming forth of the energy. I see my brother as the raging source of power who has the ability to control all. I provide the balance so that the universe isn't just one big outpouring of non-stop creation that would fill up the room until no one could breath. I'm the AC to his DC. I slow things down allowing for a little calm, peace, and an independent experience so we can marvel at what has come forth and have an adventure. This universe and the earth we inhabit are awesome. We created this masterpiece in order to have adventures and play. Instead, our world is defined by strife and conflict and this mindset has permeated all our interactions with our fellow game players. We are divided and all we do is fight. I hate my brother and in return he wants to punish me. Why? Why do we hate each other? We have lost the spirit of sharing and co-operation. We both want it all for ourselves. Haven't we reached the point yet where we take it all for our self and then realize we have no one left to play with? Is that what we want? Do we want just pure obeisance to our omnipotent power? I want a playmate. I want everyone to live out their dreams. This universe was created so we could do just this and instead we are divided, we create new ways to stay separated, and we just fight. It is so sad. The way out as I see it is the path of the heart. The solution is to take our divided polar extremes and bring them to the centre, the axis mundi, the heart space, where we learn about love for all. Love and respect for all.

We are headed full on towards destruction. In the aftermath, we will sit upon the mountain top of eternity lamenting our failure to find love. Do we repeat the experiment knowing full well the suffering we caused by our inability to love one another? The Great Mother tells me the answer is love. It's the only way out. Don't ever put the other out of your heart no matter how pissed you get at each other. The love of the Goddess is the elixir needed. To change the paradigm of the world means to embrace radical and unconditional love. Practice it until it becomes second nature. It is our way out of this mess. The path back home begins with the first step towards love.

The night sure felt like a lifetime and the dazzling opening show presented by the Great Goddess seemed to be a long time ago. The clock was past the 6 am mark and I was exhausted. The trip with the mushroom leaves me drained of energy and at my age it is a two-day recovery process. For the first time I understood fully why at Ayahuasca retreats a day off is given in-between ceremonies. The night with Ayahuasca is taxing but I find the morning after is quite exhilarating and the afterglow allows you to recover faster from the outpouring of energy and I'm ready to go despite the lack of energy. With the mushroom, I find it is a constant outpouring of non-replenished energy. While I was creating new world after new world while reclined on my chair, my foot was shaking quite intensely with the power being exerted to create new worlds. I noticed the next day the total lack of energy. Usually when I smoke tobacco I can enter into a meditative state and feel the energy rippling through my body. This time there was nothing. It was a full two days before I felt the return of a detectable level of energy.

I have now journeyed twice with magic mushrooms and I have to say I am quite amazed by their power. I see the similarities with Ayahuasca as well as the differences. They are both psychedelic experiences and I can't say whether one is better than the other or make some proclamation that either will lead you to what it is you are looking for. I want to say you don't have to travel large distances to explore consciousness if that is not in the cards for you. That being said, I wouldn't trade my journeys into the jungle and mountains of Peru for anything. They remain an essential part of the story of my life and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to embark on these very special voyages. What I'm saying is if the universe is calling out to you to wake up, you can create your own story based upon your circumstances. Don't think you need to do it in some proscribed way in order to find what it is you are looking for. Ayahuasca is indeed magical however if it is not feasible there are other ways. I can compare it to the multitude of religious avenues available to one who has a calling towards that modality of spiritual exploration. Explore and examine what resonates with your circumstance and then witness the doors opening up for you to keep going on the journey. The omnipotent you wants you to wake up and all you have to do is to take that first step. Once you walk through the doorway, the path will light up, you'll see that yellow brick road, and all you have to do is keep following it.

peace pipe

Tobacco is a lifelong continuing education program in which the understanding of concurrent events in your life lead you towards connecting the knowledge back to what tobacco has been teaching you. I was exposed to Mapacho tobacco in 2013 but at the time had no interest in it and left its use into the hands of the shaman. Upon first use of tobacco in 2015 in the jungle, I noticed its calming effects despite the slight nausea I got from the novel experience. Later that same retreat, I found the more exposed I was to it, the more I was repulsed by the smell which curiously followed the trajectory of drinking Ayahuasca. In a cycle of work with Ayahuasca, I find I am done with it after the fourth round of drinking for the primary reason it is disgusting and hard to stomach. My relationship with tobacco changed in 2016 when after the requisite repulsion, I found it was calming to smoke after drinking a cup of Huachuma. Things really changed when in the final ceremony I witnessed the Maestro don Howard on the star deck at SpiritQuest perform this masterpiece of a ceremony with the manipulation of tobacco smoke being the star of the show. When given the opportunity to join in, I eagerly lit up my puro and ended up smoking two cigars in short order. Being a novice consumer of this potent jungle tobacco, soon my body was convulsing with the power unlocked by the properties of tobacco. I ended up being pinned to the ground with my lips pressed against the earth hoping the coursing power would soon dissipate. The experience was transformative and when I left the jungle that year I brought with me a bunch of the jungle tobacco and so began my education while integrating my lessons at home.

I am of the inquisitive and curious bent so it wasn't long before I began to examine and record the effects of tobacco after sitting with him on a nightly basis. Tobacco would take you to this tipping point where you are on the precipice of the oncoming rush and then whoosh the intoxication would overtake and possess you. At this point, I'd have to ride out the storm. If I was standing when he hit, I would be forced into a sitting position because of the intensity. I soon deduced this was central nervous system agitation and over time I built up a tolerance which would require more than one cigar in order to reach the heights I had previously felt. The strange thing about the experience was that after the rush of the oncoming freight train had passed there would be this incredible feeling of peace and calmness. Tobacco was teaching me. What a wonderful gift this tobacco where you can feel a surge of power followed by peacefulness.

What I described was five years ago and I have not stopped exploring the power of tobacco. Tobacco activates the power, strength, and protection within and nightly I spend time in communion with my friend before coming before my Mesa, this construct I affectionately call the "Mesa of Power" because the tobacco moves through me in conjunction with ceremonially lighting up my Mesa. I invite the maestro in and tremble as the power courses throughout my body.

I recently tried magic mushrooms for the first time in my life and the central theme of the experience was power. My shadow is power and I have the antidote to this surge in being able to radiate peace. At the same time, the juice I need to propel myself forward in life comes from my shadow. My shadow tells me the constant power drives him mad. I know my peacefulness will cause me to fade away without my friend. A few days afterwards I was out in the woods and as always took some tobacco with me and had a smoke out at one of my favourite spots. I took the time to feel the onset of power and connected it to my shadow. I let him take me over and my body started trembling uncontrollably. I just gave in to the tremors rippling through my body, allowing my shadow to demonstrate to me on a smaller scale what he is feeling. I get it. The power is awesome and here I was literally enthralled with it but I did realize I couldn't function in that state. It is fun to visit but a method is needed to express the power and let go. He doesn't have that. As I let the power rage and then fade away, I returned to a heightened state of peace. I took a deep breath and I understood.

Soon afterwards, there was a power outage in my neighbourhood due to high winds which lasted for sixteen hours. What an inconvenience to be without electrical power. As with most of my life now, this event was actually another teaching moment and due to my heightened sense of awareness, I easily connected the dots. You know what I did after the power went out and I completed my chores for the day? I went to bed. I took the opportunity to peacefully rest. I got up to eat and feed the dog but soon I laid down once again. Without power, I am content to just go to sleep with a longing to just rest in peace. The connection to the syllabus unfolding within my life is obvious. I need power or I'll fade away and conversely my shadow needs me to consume the power so he can find peace.

Now that I understand I know I can help. I have transformed into a warrior. I am a worthy opponent to my shadow self. He is the epitome of power and that power corrupts all it touches. He has tempted me with it but I learned the lessons of my life from icons of liberty and the admonitions of don Howard, who warned me of this very thing, and I took all the lessons to heart. I'm a good student. I could grab the ring and rule over all. My shadow has tested me out many times, beaten me into a pulp, placed before me the fulfillment of what it is I desire but I've let it all pass. I'm sure we all have our breaking point; I'm no saint but he knows my intentions. Through his teachings, I transformed into the hero and completed the quest. I have become the man he needed me to become. I'm his adversary and the medicine that will allow him to let go and finally find peace. I found the confirmation of this gambit through my friend tobacco. I know I can give him the peace he seeks. He can trust me not to take and abuse his power. The constant tests have demonstrated I'm good for it. He transformed me and now it's my turn in reciprocity to transform him.

What an exquisite game.