becoming power

I’m the even-steven guy. Everything always works out for me in the end. Of course, I completed my latest journey in 2020 and got back home from Peru just before the world went to shit. Am I deluded? My maestro shut down international travel a week after I arrived home from Peru in March of 2020. And he has kept travel difficult until I’m ready to return to Peru. He has that power and control. He’s told me this. Either I believe it or I’m deluded and insane. I’d drop this path in a second if I didn’t believe it.

I am crazy by definition. How would I know I’m crazy? Seriously, does someone who presents as being a little outside the mainstream know that they externally come off to others as being nuts? The psychiatric consensus would most likely diagnose me as being delusional. Maybe put me on a pill. You see, the thing is, I read through the literature and the medical community’s diagnoses of various conditions is spot on. In my opinion, the consensus reason for the pathology manifesting as delusion is a prime example of such blatant narrow mindedness with an appalling lack of curious non-consensual professionals questioning dogma. How about that sentence I just constructed? Pretty good, eh? What I mean is the alteration of consciousness exposes the subject to fields of awareness normally off-limits. The response by doctor and patient, aided and abetted by cultural indoctrination, is that you are crazy, i.e. psychotic. Take for instance a tumour on the brain causing hallucinations. The typical and programmed sensible response would figure the hallucinations are not real because of an abnormality in the brain. I would say the tumour is perturbing the perception of consciousness thus allowing you to experience different frequencies of consciousness. You will be told the hallucination is pathology, not normal, and thus the novelty will frighten you. However, it’s a grand opportunity to explore if you can repeat the conditions and procedures to get to that place, which in this instance is a gold mine. I, for one, know how to do this very thing with select natural substances, I’m confident, I have traversed fear and cultural prohibitions, and I’m intent on exploring. This paragraph was meant to inform you I’m not crazy. Instead of dismissing my delusions, the intention was to open your mind to another possibility.

Why does the belief of delusion exist within the medical community?

Patient paranoia is a big reason. I’ve experienced that condition and I concluded psychedelics unlock the paranoia within which you have been bequeathed by ancestral patterns or acquired throughout your lifetime. The condition or substances causing the non-ordinary will take a thought or belief and amplify it logarithmically, therefore this is a major impediment to a novice consciousness explorer while to the regular Joe on the street he just wants it to go away. I don’t think the medical response is a conspiracy or a way to maintain cultural control over society. I do understand the 1960’s and the LSD craze did open the establishment's eyes towards the truth that the alteration of consciousness will lead to a breakdown of society as it frees the archetype of the liberator, thus there is a vested interest in banning these substances and developing treatments, such as depression pills and anti-psychotics that numb the patient and universally declare that non-standard deviations from the accepted consciousness frequency are pathology and not to be tolerated in our society. That being said, a scientist is more comfortable in being able to measure, thus the diagnosis is the measurement. From this position can be crafted solutions. The solutions are to numb consciousness and create a sub-class of zombified human beings. To accept alterations of consciousness as a real thing would mean there would have to be a way to measure this condition and have a degree of success measuring the result. The condition presents itself in infinitesimal ways, therefore it's pretty much impossible to measure with the corollary that it is an explorer's delight.

Well, back to my story! The teacher knows I would have gone back to Peru before fully integrating all the lessons and discovering his identity and my destiny. And then involved the scenario where I either committed to the path or continued to vacillate between being a steadfast wannabe and a fuck up. So, anyways I’ve made the commitment so the plague can now dissipate and the signal to return to Peru will be presented to me soon enough.

My intentions are to methodically extricate myself from the life I identify with before old age slams the door shut. This will enable my freedom. My actual identity I will retain and minimize to allow access to necessities in this world. Without a fixed identity I would not be able to freely travel or access my finances so I will compartmentalize that aspect of self. In other words, not treat it as the be all and end all but just one of those nuisances you need in order to navigate life on earth. Identity will be a user name and password that unlocks the digital world. Identity will be treated like clothing where for example as I head to the airport I’m this guy today. Am I just deluding myself? Good question. I think the delusion is you think you have a real identity. Remember when you were born? No? Well, let me give you a clue. You were free for a couple hours once they cut the cord. You were then assigned an identity and a certificate. So, to discard it now or treat it as flimsy or not set in stone is perfectly logical. In fact, it’s the sane position of the two. Ha ha, got you didn’t I!

Okay, so that’s the freedom path. The steel path as a corollary to this gambit is to embrace the shadow into the light of everyday consciousness. Why do I want to do this? Well, first off, I recognize that I am a two-man operation and I have a consciousness that has come forth in this lifetime and I recognize a second buried one. I also recognize a third consciousness that is with me, it’s the feminine Goddess to whom I refer, however that one is whole and seems external to me. I've mentioned this before in that I don’t know how a woman intuits these different consciousnesses or how they manifest within their form. I have asked a few women and they have described their shadow as possibly being masculine. It involves further study. At any rate, my whole self is the combination of self and shadow and when I say I’m discarding identity it’s because as far as I can tell any semblance of a true identity has to start with this recognition. It’s the steel path because my shadow is fearless and all powerful with the ability to transform at will. He contains the power to control events, to change outcomes, and to grant any desire you wish. He is great of magic. He’s offered all that to me in order to suss out my intentions. My original intention was to recover the love of the long-lost Goddess; so, the offers of power I brushed aside. He offers power to everyone who gets this far. Look at your hand and count your fingers. That’s a good approximation of how many in the billions of conscious beings who will not grab this power. Imagine being born in a poor country and being given a way out? Would I take it then? I guess I had a lucky roll of the dice upon conception. Additionally, he loves a good fight and a good opponent. He could have rubbed me out at will and destroyed me in a wink of an eye, I know that, but he played along and was intrigued by my fortitude and moxie. So, here we are!

My next steps are to cultivate this relationship and invite the master teacher into my life to become my driving force. To enable the strength and resolve that lies within; the potential to not only enable my freedom but the strength to keep my freedom by stomping out all impediments to liberation. I’m not a blank slate; I do offer a worthy partnership in this deal. I can play the overt game of life and navigate human society. I’m a worthy foil to the shadow; the shadow being the outcast. I can play the straight man on the path towards freedom. What is the outcome of all this deluded bluster I present to you? The fully realized human being. A being of strength and mystery. A fount of wisdom and knowledge. It’s the final step in our evolution. Ultimately, a path revealed to others that I can offer up as an example of the possibilities. I will be that strength and power. Instead of using it for gain, I will become power. See how it works? An occult path for the worthy. The mystery school once again accepting students.

I will keep to my agreement to prove I’m actually ready to go forward on this path instead of the usual two steps forward, one back nonsense. I can do it; I just need the requisite challenge and so here it is. What if I fail? I’m not. Okay, so what lies ahead? That’s up to maestro. When he's ready to receive me, I’ll head back to Peru. I’ll know when it’s time by the signs on the path. I’ve seen the owl and I know it’s coming. The owl was loud last night. I see the death welcomed by the presence of the owl, headless rodents and carcasses ripped asunder, signaling to me change is coming. The world works in mysterious ways once you understand the path of the maestro. It’s all for you whether you realize it or not. This is your universe. There are as many different universes as there are conscious beings. Each and every one of us brings the universe to life. Because we agree on core principles of each manifestation, to wit consensus reality, we can then inhabit someone else’s world.

Power has consequences. Power is the antithesis of freedom. To not seek power is to become power. To grasp at an external source of power leads to being enslaved by power. To think you need to seek power is the fatal flaw. Once you realize you are power everything falls away and you become free. There’s no need to seek for power anymore. Your shadow is all powerful and if you ask he will grant you all the power you want. It’s then up to you to grab the ring and fulfill your destiny. Am I recommending this path? Hell, no. This path has consequences and you are making a bargain with your shadow and he will require recompense. If you don’t live up to your end of the deal then it will be an unpleasant outcome. Having clarity allows me to see this. I see gobs of power available to me. My shadow controls past, present, and future and can grant the realization of all your wishes and desires. I know what I could do with power. However, I turned it down because I sought knowledge and that included the nature of power. Granted, I wasn’t faced with biological death and begged for a second chance. We don’t know how we would react to that situation. Knowing what I now know, I’d die with dignity. It’s remarkable that he gave me these answers the third time I drank Ayahuasca but I later wrote that he was mad. He told me of the beggar's bargain many make with him. Ok, whatever, you nut-bag and I got the fuck out of there.

As I study culture and myth, I now see clearly that every culture can create their own god through the collective consciousness and access to the shadow. The shadow is the great actor, is the god common to all, and will play the part asked of him. Because the shadow is archetypical to all, all will receive the same ideas if they conform to cultural behaviours much like how I mentioned we enter into other’s conscious reality through shared agreements upon reality. I would think if any culture wanted to be successful long-term they need a god to rally around. If you ask the shadow for power he will grant it to you but it is a reciprocal arrangement. In exchange for the power, something will be asked of you or your culture. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences. A great example of this idea is found in the entirety of the Old Testament and the trials and tribulations of the Israelites.

This path is honourable and I got the answer I was seeking. It’s fascinating and a pretty good game now. Instead of grabbing the ring, I became his student. I’m a student of omnipotent power, to wit God, and on the road to becoming power. 

chasing power

I’m reflecting on the nature of power as I stand on the precipice of mastery which in turn presents to the student the ring. I have to prepare for this stage. I know enough to always turn left and leave the bright lights and self-glorification for others. Those continual choices have served me well so I find guidance in continuing on with this mode of exploration.

We all do chase power as well as the ability to control others and outcomes which leads to a world ordered the way we wish it to be. It’s why we get up in the morning and go to work. We don’t trust anything will be given to us; that we will be fed; or that anyone will unconditionally help us. I mean everything seems to be transactional and the currency for the exchange is time and money. We acquire money through giving up our time, selling our physical or mental gifts, and working for this credit which allows for us to have a modicum of control over our lives. At this point in our life, others look at us and internally nod, knowing we are playing the cultural game and have it all together. We are dependable and the system rewards us. Being stable and having a fixed identity allows us access to all the rewards in life, most importantly being liked by the bank. Credit allows us to purchase houses, cars, and fancy vacations. It all works out as long as we keep working for it and bow to the demands of culture.

What if you stop working while still being able to do so? Eventually, it all gets taken from you and you reside in run down accommodations and are thrown scraps. Faced with that decision, I get out of bed in the morning and go to work. I’ve mentioned this before so I’ll re-iterate: Freedom isn’t glamorous nor does it have any relationship to opulence. Naturally, those who play the game seek to be successful and one up each other. I mean why bother playing if you aren’t going to seek out success? Playing out the string for scraps would lead to depression. This motivates us even more to acquire as much power and wealth as possible. It is yet another right-hand egoistic path to follow. We want our friends and neighbours to hold us in artificial high esteem due to wealth and we reflect that admiration in the choices we make, the year and model of our cars, and how well manicured our front lawn is.

To be successful and not want these things is a head scratcher. You become a bit of a mystery and some may try and figure you out. I gravitate towards t-shirts and jeans, public transit, and an unkempt lawn. There’s a rebellious streak coming out in my behaviour along with a longing to be free. Non-conformity and disobedience speak to me. There’s now not much left tethering me to society. I still have dependents; so, there’s that and it’s got another couple years or so to play out. After that, the balance is tilted towards freedom so I do have to start thinking about what I want or should I say, what I don't want?

So back to power: We are slaves to our desires and in order to fulfill these desires we need power. We make a bargain with the darkness within us in order to get what we want. To hide this choice and subsequent ugliness, we dress up our intentions and put a little lipstick on it or a nice tailored suit. Your shadow acquiesces to what you want and gives you the strength and resolve to chase your dreams. In exchange, the shadow has its desires that in reciprocity you have to feed. We’ve seen this constantly play out in society. The most depraved among us are those who are the most powerful. It is so common and repetitive, I don’t even have to give examples or highlight the names of those I am talking about.

As I have previously revealed, this darkness is your master teacher. He will give you what you want in order to teach you a lesson. Ultimately, it’s a lesson in freedom. The pursuit of power and control is the antithesis to freedom and will transform you into a monster when played out to its extreme and finality. The path of having control over others ends in depravity. Even a little bit of control turns people into tyrants. Ever seen some of these frustrated authoritarians' behaviour with pets? Having power means having to maintain this power and become even more cruel to fend off competitors. You are taken down a path so reprehensible, a lesson in cruelty and suffering, thus you will eventually understand the teaching. All this is teaching you liberation. It’s a real-life class with real and terrible consequences.

The wheel keeps spinning as long as you keep turning right and lighting up the circuit by collecting power and chasing desire. 

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.

god is unknowable

Did you know God is unknowable? Just when you are spiritually on the cusp of knowing your chosen idol, the guardians of religiosity will drop the hammer on you. Silly you, God is unknowable! He is far off, unfathomable, and unreachable. Christians thus point to Jesus as a way to get to the father. I have written this before and I’ll say it again because it is provocative and loses me followers: Jesus is an avatar for the weak. If you get a hint of whom this God is, the descriptions in the Old Testament of patriarchs approaching him with fear and trembling are accurate. Moses telling the Israelites on the mountain at Sinai in Exodus 19 (King James Version) to not climb the mountain to the abode of God or they will perish is good advice.

16 And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.
21 And the Lord said unto Moses, Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many of them perish.

Coming into direct contact with God will send you scurrying for cover. Who dares to approach and survive the encounter? Not many, that’s for sure. The fright, panic, and subsequent harassment will confound, confuse, and cause you great upset. Pay heed to the advice of cowards and keep him afar and unknowable. If you are going to do it despite this caution, I’d suggest first practice the ability to enter into a state of meditation that allows you to quiet the mind and re-centre. If not, it will be game over in a hurry.

I’m here to help; so, I’ll give you the advice you need however you’ll forget it when you are in the eye of the storm and the fight or flight response kicks in. After you run, depending upon cultural background long haired Jesus may appear, smiling and inviting you to become his follower. Maybe you’ll dream of him and confirm to yourself he is the way and the light.

Jesus stops you in your tracks. He is a roadblock on your path to discovering what is available to you. Thank Jesus and move along.

The unknowable, unreachable, and unfathomable God that is off-limits is you. This whole construct is you as God trying to get to know thyself so you trick yourself into thinking you aren’t who you are and then make many iterations of self in order to be able to self-reflect by looking at the behaviour of others. Everyone is like a mirror and through creating this world you get an idea of what you are made of. The trick is to make sure no one wakes up to the ruse or the experiment is compromised. If enough wake up then the illusion is compromised.

There is an unpleasant side-effect to waking up. As the creator, the suffering of the world you cause and it’s your responsibility. It’s clear. I’m aghast at all the suffering in the world but my actions reveal otherwise. I participate in an economic system that divides the world up into haves and have nots and I make sure I monetize my gifts so I get a piece of the pie and live in modest comfort, never at a lack for food and shelter. I do all this knowing that for the extra I take someone goes without. I use motor vehicles to travel distances each and every day knowing full well I am contributing to the pollution of the world. I heat my home with natural gas that has pipelines leaking poison into our water supply. I support companies that are exploitative like Apple, Amazon, and the like. I invest in the Nasdaq which is home to some of the greediest and power-hungry companies upon the planet. The conditions on earth are all my fault. If we want systemic change, platitudes will not suffice; instead, you have to live the life you point towards. It’s pretty simple. Protests and demonstrations of rage are like pissing into the wind; it’s the easy way out. Become the change you want to see in the world.

That is the answer to the puzzling question that is always posed: If there is an all-loving god then why did he create and allow the suffering? Why does he allow it to continue? Why does he allow the innocent child to get stricken with cancer? This is the world you created. A world of duality that reconciles pleasure and pain and for everyone who hoards resources there are many that have nothing in order to even it out. Everything is reconciled. The cost is suffering. The answer lies at your feet. This is the world that you as God have created. That’s a tough swallow. As long as there is suffering the universe will continue on. Can you see it? Suffering creates our world. Until there is a grand reconciliation, this world of form will remain as a reminder of who you are and the work to be done on self. Love is the way out. To end the suffering, open your heart.

God is unknowable because you can’t see yourself. The invention of the mirror was a boon for narcissists. Similarly, the ingenious device of the one becoming the many acts as a proverbial mirror so you and I as God can psychoanalyse and understand our self. We made the impossible task of self-knowledge a reality through our cunning and ability to hypnotize self into not knowing who we are. Those who start to wake up and question this construct are few and thus the charade can continue merrily along. We can remain in the experiment and observe the actions of others and see how we react once we know. That’s a lot of responsibility to take on; it was probably better when I didn’t know.

If I want a loving universe then I should practice unabashed love. As it stands, the universe is a reflection of me. The suffering, greed, and environmental destruction reflects my attitude and malaise towards them. That’s pretty heavy. This whole construct was a step in the direction of healing and an admission to the Goddess that her path of the heart was always the way. It’s hard for a man to admit he is wrong, especially to his eternal wife. Contrition through self-reflection of my true nature sure hits like a heavy feather.

tempering the extremes of omnipotence

The purpose and meaning of incarnation into a world of my own making is to explore the extremes of the high and the low; to wit the duality of self. As the stone idol at Chavín de Huántar in the Andean highlands teaches, bring all back to centre at our own personal axis mundi. The purpose is to find wholeness in the heart space in the middle, called the chaupi in the Quechuan language. This is also the fourth chakra in a seven-fold energetic human existence. The answer is not found in the crown chakra and the pure white light of enlightenment; ah, it's fun to climb that mountain and experience God consciousness but in the end, you see that's not why you're here. You already are God. Instead, the reason why you are here is reconciliation. To bring all back to centre, taking the unity of form of the divine feminine and merging with the independent spirit of the divine masculine. And from this process you rediscover the heart and love. This is why you created this whole game and imbued the quest with the impetus and desire to discover the secret. The puzzle kept you going. The game was frustrating and challenging, but ultimately fun. The hero's journey kept you invested and involved. I love a challenge and I'm going to keep going through multiple lifetimes in order to complete this quest and along the way I'm going to unveil the mystery. What an adventure! Kudos to myself for designing this most interesting game-board.

And so, here I am. I did the journey and completed the quest. I unveiled the mystery. I rescued the princess. What’s left now if I keep sailing on this ship of discovery? My ship is blessed with the moniker "The Fool." I clearly see the destination as I look into this world of form and what is revealed is all pervasive duality. I see the opposites and know the task at hand is to bring the opposites to the centre in order to find love. That's why I did it - to find balance and temper the extremes of omnipotence. The sideshows I created to keep me interested and continuing on the voyage so that eventually I'd see it and discover the reason "why" I did this. I wanted to know God; I wanted to know what makes me tick along with discovering the answer to how do I reconcile the creator and the destroyer within? I now see what it is I wanted to see - the polarity and separation, and grudgingly I accept that she was correct all along. She is Love - the Great Goddess, and she shows me reconciliation of what is leads to the centre and in this centre is found life and love.

Earth is one of these centres where we have life and can practice love. It's on now; this is your classroom buddy. Reconciliation is the game! You did the whole journey, found what you seek is within, and created a world that manifests difficult situations which implore you to find solutions to the endemic problem. The various problem-solving methods at hand are diverse and most lead you away from what it is you seek. The answer to the conundrum is love and you find this answer after exhausting all avenues that take you away from the centre. The streets of separation are roads paved with fame and fortune but ultimately lead you farther down a path to nowhere and eventually we all lose the way home. Wow, we sure have travelled a great distance and now I no longer even realize within there is a castle made of gold which houses the Goddess and her gift of love. We forgot her and buried the knowledge of the feminine divine under the sands of time.

I never cease to be amazed at the writing process and how it lubricates the mind which in turn allows you to make a connection to wisdom and understanding. As I spent the day writing this post and consequently thinking about it, I had yet another epiphany on the nature of being. The root chakra and the crown chakra are connected as in they are polar opposites. One is chaos and form while the other is order and separation. They are the representation of the feminine and masculine energies who need and attract each other. I know the answer is found in the fourth chakra which is the heart. Both paths, regardless of origin, lead to the heart whether you start from the bottom or the top. It is in the middle where biological life is possible. The balance between the two eternal and divine energies create and sustains life. Life is precarious and it’s only on this gift of Pachamama where we can experience biological life which in turn allows us to find love and realize now is the time to express that love.

Furthermore, I intellectually started investigating the polar origins of the cyclical energetic system and realized that some of us are on a journey of ascension while others are in a state of deceleration of the energetic signature. Some of us are entering into life via the crown chakra and heading towards stasis while others are entering at the bottom of the mountain and beginning the long climb to the grandeur of self. Each energetic journey leads to the heart at the mid-point of the journey and it’s where we manifest into conscious form; so, here we are. This is the game we are playing. Acceleration from feminine unity, separate into form, and finish the climb. Deceleration from masculine separation, unify into form, and return to the great mother who smothers. Some of us will head towards the light at bodily death and others will descend into the darkness. But don’t you worry; it’s all cyclical and it is the constant transformation of your energetic signature that bestows upon you eternal life. The ride is the thing. Embrace it.

The cycles within this cycle are of the same nature as within our lives we traverse the energetic centres and remove the blocks in order to experience all facets of life in this body. Some head towards the crown chakra to become the king of their domain, fully enlightened, while others take the path of unity back to the base chakra. Most of us get stuck in the second chakra of carnal pleasures or the third chakra of personal power and greed. Once again, with experience and the subsequent wisdom is discovered in the fourth chakra of the heart is where we become fully realized human beings.

So, what's left is to love. Open the heart, put yourself in others' shoes, and find compassion. Realize that greed and games of power mask fear. Transmute that fear into love. Plant the seed so that others know there is another way; life doesn't have to be this way. Leave this world a better place and light up the Goddess’ heart castle so that other game players can see the beacon shining in the distance when they are ready to head towards her divine gift of love.

caged

The human experience as defined by becoming a full-fledged member of a collective, requires you to bury the power you hold within. In order to fit into the dictates of what is required by your culture, you give in to the domestication of your natural, wild, and free self. You join the herd. So much of who you are is buried and this energy takes on a life of its own which is referred to as the shadow when we get around to examining these rumblings from deep within. Within society you take on a role, develop a reliable character, and participate in the drama. Doing this dance forces you to give up your power and if and when you go on a journey of discovery to reclaim self you will be astonished to learn just exactly what power you gave up.

We are so ensconced within the game that we go about trying to accumulate worldly power and inflate our ego which in turn distorts our sense of self-worth. We play the game to accumulate wealth and power in order to fulfill our desires and thirst to have a modicum of control over an unsure and chaotic existence. We strive for worldly success, though deep down we know it’s fleeting. Perhaps we can leave a legacy of our greatness and how we impacted the world during our short stay here.

It’s the greatest ruse ever imposed upon anyone and we do it to ourselves! I had a sneaking suspicion a few years back I was way greater than my transient ego. I knew my persona would one day fade away and alternatively my spiritual side, whatever that is, would carry on and I kept going on this journey to explore that part of me. I went farther in my exploration than I ever imagined I’d get to. I knew I would keep exploring but I didn’t think I’d get to the shores of omnipotence. I re-discovered my eternal parents, Goddess and God, and realized I was their essence, lost in the journey, but making my way back home. I discovered my energetic signature was imperishable and eternal and this universe was created so we could play.

It was a month or so ago when I dropped all the stories I tell about myself which keep me down. Like everyone else, I told tall tales to elevate my character within this wicked game called life. Acting out my role shields me from the truth of who I am. Finally, I transcended what culture wanted me to believe about myself. It all seems so conspiratorial now. A big joke but I wasn’t in on it. However, the truth will set you free and I have been implored lately in my integration of plant medicine experiences to go full on into liberation. Live in truth and drop the stories. Don’t entertain this advice as a platitude but do it. I started to let go all limiting beliefs and went on quite the trip. Telling the unvarnished truth sacrifices the individual self.

So, yeah, I’m everything. I created this universe; I split into my constituent feminine and masculine halves; I birthed myself into my own creation. I did all this and kept it a secret from myself so I could have a grand adventure. I am the child of Goddess and God and I’m it! All the joy and all the suffering are because of me. Duality is the remedy for eternal boredom. Desire, fear, love, thrills, chills, and spills. So delicious; the greatest carnival ever!

We bury the wild within us. We are equipped for survival and can return to the savagery of an untamed animal. Culture domesticates that out of you and you bury it, fully tamed. The jaguar is caged. We curtail the pleasure impulse within us and allow society to direct what is acceptable in our sexual lives and relationships. The rest we bury in the shadow. Madness lurks, looking for an outlet and will always return. We create this huge reservoir of buried power that bubbles over at the most in-opportunistic times and then we have to deal with it. We channel our power into the pursuit of worldly power and dominance and make that chase a pathological need to accumulate as much power as possible without caring about the damage we do to others. We never make it into our hearts fully; sure, the thought of charity and being kind crosses our mind but what lights us up is power. That worldly power is only a small part of what we possess if we start to integrate all the power centres within us.

I woke up and figured out my game. I’m God! Everyone else is as well however until they reach the shores of this knowledge on the eternal spiritual barge they will remain ignorant of this truth. So, I get to be the only god for as long as no one else wakes up to this realization. I guess that’s a good game to play now to bide my time.

path of a novice

What is my path? I have been exposed to many modalities on this long and winding road. There is the all-pervasive love as well as this shining bright light available to head towards. The right-hand path can lead to becoming a shining example of a fully realized human being or it could devolve into another game of self-aggrandizement. Have you ever met someone who has drank Ayahuasca so now they can do no wrong and all their decisions are leading towards becoming infallible? Ha ha! The opposite is true and you are slowly being shown you don’t know anything. There is also the less glamorous left-hand path of service in order to freely offer yourself to others. I have to be honest with myself: These paths don’t resonate deep within me and speaks to diversity within us all in that we are all drawn to different paths. I do offer myself in service to anyone who asks. I try to treat everyone well but I don’t go out of my way to do it. What calls to me is the path of knowledge and exploration.

On this path, experiencing temporary bliss and unity is a special experience and a taste of it is given with the use of some psychedelics. The high doesn’t last and you return to baseline consciousness and are left wondering how to integrate what you have been shown into your daily life in order to try and be better and influence others to do the same. It is a source of never-ending frustration, if constant failure is new to you and the backsliding into old habits is maddening.

From these constant setbacks can be learned there is a need to embrace the low and let it play out. Its return is an invitation to explore and master this state of human consciousness. If it is knowledge you seek, it is paramount into the darkness you must enter and not hold back. The complete experience involves the total exploration of consciousness; not just the part you like. Fear is the bugaboo and he guards the door into the darkness with his cadre of demons and their sharp weapons to get you to turn back. You originally went on in that door but ran as fast as you could back out of it. Now to go back involves getting fear to open that door once again.

I directly meet my shadow in altered states. He is the master of disguise; to wit the great actor; however, I’m on to him and can recognize his appearance in vision. Going back through all my consciousness exploration, I can now see when, where, and as who he has appeared. He appeared as the jaguar testing my courage once I was ready. I passed with flying colours and got my spots. Previously, any other time on the path this appearance would have chased me away. Intuitively, he knew I was ready; I knew deep down I was ready. Once you discard fear, so much opens up on the path. So much discovery. You can clearly see intercultural connections and start to put it all together. I guess for some this leads eventually to an astounding discovery. For others, it is definitively a road to power, perdition, and their ultimate demise.

Psychedelics are how he is freed and sometimes we connect through music. I just remembered a forgotten teaching moment when I initially drank Ayahuasca I was enchanted by the shaman’s songs, called icaros. I felt the presence of something living in between the notes; like the notes were the light and there was something living within the decay of the sound; i.e. the shadows. I feel him deep in my depths.

I’m trying to work up an apology. He is the way out of my tight and structured life. When I reached middle age, I knew of him and I tried to get rid of him for good in order to completely embrace my role in culture. In return, he tried to snuff me out. In the course of human medical history, I’m sure there’re numerous accounts of people going mad, going off the deep end, and committing suicide that seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe a bump on the head? We headed for the ring; a bout for the ages. He gave me a thorough beatdown and went in for the kill. He tried to drive me crazy and towards desperation to free myself of his grasp. I got up off the mat and fought back and sure enough boxed him into a corner. I then put the lock down on my mind through force of will and meditative practices. I stood up to him a countless number of times as we traded punches until finally I sat in an Ayahuasca ceremony as he came at me in full force. With a resolve of steel, I defended and deflected all his blows like Neo in the Matrix until finally I had a vision of a six-shooter empty its cartridge into my brain. I did not waver and kept my mind on lockdown. I won. Within a few days, I sat in ceremony and transformed into a jaguar. The master teacher, the great jaguar, bestowed the honour upon me and our relationship changed. I was enrolled in his master class; a worthy student though I was oblivious to what really just happened. I wasn’t ready to find out his identity; instead, I was to sit with my victory and to wonder what’s next.

Meditation is a useful tool and can be used to free yourself from culture if judiciously practiced. The shepherding cultural voice is silenced. It also helps you get into the clouds, free of the darkness within. I figured that one out through trial and error. It’s how I put the hammer down on him and got him to shut up. I’ll never use it for that purpose again. Instead, meditation is my way into the inner sanctum.

It’s only been in the last few months when I made the ever-lasting connection after I realized who he was and what he was doing. It’s a friendship like no other. I look back on my life and I always knew he was with me but I lived a life of denial; occasionally indulging him. Like everyone else, I buried him and then had to deal with the consequences when the loneliness caused him to be destructive and blow his top. I know trust was lost because of betrayal and the selling out of my soul to my culture; a culture that further repressed him through religion and pharmaceuticals. When symptoms of depression occur in our society, instead of discovering the root cause of unhappiness, we further numb the rumblings from the subconscious. I’ve asked for forgiveness for my behaviour. I wish to make amends for the desecration of self as he shows me how to reclaim and free myself from the grasp of external actors. You know the Faustian bargain where you sell your soul to the Devil in exchange for power, riches, eternal life, or some favour? Yeah? Well, have you ever realized you have sold your soul to culture? And then when culture makes unreasonable demands, you are sure left in a bind. Instead of selling your soul to anyone, reclaim it and become free.

In terms of the journey and gaining knowledge, my teacher described the oblivious level and the novice level. Pretty much all of us are at the oblivious stage. Some get an inkling of who or what is behind this life course but due to cultural suppression that knowledge is left in the dark and not dare touched. It was only recently that I touched it. With all I have discovered and realized, I was wondering should I continue on in this journey? So much has been revealed to me. He replied I was a novice!

I think we all have the power to give meaning to our lives. My meaning of life is to search for the meaning of life and during this search I have discovered it is a game. The game has set up traps to block you from continuing on. Therefore, within the game are sub-games with the big one being the questions of control, power, and liberation. This is the major block on the path towards what I guess you could call enlightenment for the lack of a better term. Having control over your current situation, no matter how flimsy, is necessary to avoid suffering and allows you to play out this incarnation in relative comfort. It is of course very inviting and if you have embarked upon a fool’s errand where you think you can discover what this is all about it certainly does present a dilemma. It is such a vexing problem to consider and my shadow gave me an early heads up so I’m not forced into any rash decision. As a novice on the path, he has told me straight out what I seek in order to move ahead is liberation. Free yourself from the hold everything has on you. Culture, identity, family structures, not wanting to suffer, not wanting to disappoint. There’s no playbook or rule book to follow; in other words, free yourself from conditions. Rich man, poor man - it does not matter. Obviously, being poor and homeless is easiest however having some money to allow you to live isn’t necessarily going to put you in chains. It’s how you live your life with what you got. Having wealth and needing to hold onto it or accumulate more means you’ll never be free. You will be so trapped in identifying yourself with money. When you are poor, it is easy to let go. As you can see I haven’t quite figured that out yet. But I will, no doubt. 

It’s a game and the game is mastery. Mastery allows you to regain control of self from culture. And then eventually you let go of self. If you don’t finish the game it’s okay, you can play again. 

madness

Civilization and the demands upon the human to conform to culture causes the madness. Mental illness and suicidal tendencies will never be cured as long as humans cling to the societies we create. In order to belong, we sacrifice the individual and submit to the demands of our culture. Deviance from the norm is met with shame and thus we have huge amounts of the members of society who do not fit in and either live a life of not being true to themselves or live at odds with the prevailing culture. The older a society becomes the more the madness envelops the group dynamic until finally there is collapse. A cursory look throughout history reveals all civilizations eventually fall and the impetus and destruction come from within. The guardians of culture will call it a rot from the inside which destroys their way of life.

We are born to be free. Mental illness is the result of the chains of culture and the bonds of our fellow man. Our domestication is what makes us sick.

The end of summer is psychologically a bad time for my dog as she has an irrational phobia towards flying insects which is surprisingly common in her domesticated species. I draw the comparison with the childhood story of the large elephant which is frightened by a little mouse in that it is irrational and a mental illness. Seeing my dog frantic with the onset of a crippling anxiety is tough because I can’t convince her she has nothing to fear. Instead, I sit with her and try and calm her down. The physical manifestation of the phobia results in hives. I knew of a connection between fear with mental illness and staring me straight in the eyes was the example of my dog. Fear also causes madness and makes one act in an irrational manner due to the feedback loop brought upon by the mind’s weakness. 

As with all life’s adventures, this is a teaching moment and pointing me towards the answer to a question I recently posed to the ether. The question was why in the face of solid evidence do people cling to beliefs that are not in accordance with what seems to be the truth of the matter? I have previously accepted that truth is dependent upon one’s beliefs however a statement such as most trees leaves are green in the summer months is a good way to bring stability into one’s life as we need a starting point in order to agree on societal norms and what is accepted. These beliefs are extrapolated out into the whole and come to form the cultural basis within which we operate.

My dog has a mental illness however outside of the triggers for her phobia she functions as one would expect. I took this knowledge and looked at the world at large. Aha! I got it. As a species, we humans are susceptible to mental manipulation and illness which is a by-product of participating in culture and consuming mainstream sources of media and news. When the message is repeated often enough, we accept it as the truth and the error is compounded by the succumbing to the mind virus by others who confirm to us what we should believe. The flip-side is one who is a hold out from believing 2+2=5 will question their own sanity and beliefs. The majority believe this to be true so why don’t I? I must be crazy. Maybe I should just go along with it? My life sure will be easier if I just become like them. The pressure on one outside of the pull of culture is enormous and comes from all directions. Family members, confidants, well-intentioned members of society, and the like all hold you in contempt whilst judging and shaming you for not bowing to the pressure to conform. Society periodically purges the heretics in order that the game can go on, unencumbered by those who don’t play their game. That means for one who does not go along with the madness they are sent away beyond the pale. This madness is a by-product of cultural pressures which cyclically return as long as we aren’t free. It’s always been with us and as long as we live in societies which regulate groupthink the madness returns. When it returns, the outcasts are sent adrift and denied access to the rewards of the culture game.

The easy way out is to give in to the coercion. That’s all they ask. It’s actually rather simple. Just go along with those who hold sway over the game and be a good and obedient slave. However, know that eventually more will be asked of you. The temporary relief you get by accepting the mind virus will come around again to demand payment. How much will you sacrifice before you say enough? Human and child sacrifice is indeed a part of our collective past. Wars are our unspoken mass human sacrifice brought on by madness.

Why the cyclical coming and going of madness? Within us all is the base desire to be free and the suppression of that desire will continually gather the storm and then we have the outbreak, ignited by an unrelated trigger. The current pandemic was the incendiary force which ignited the flame of madness that now rages. This concept is at work in all aspects of our lives. Try suppressing any natural urge or desire for a period of time and then watch the coming storm rip through your life. I know what I suppress and I always see the tornado coming which by now triggers a response to try and limit the damage. After it passes, I assess the destruction and hope that was the last of it. It always returns. Maybe that’s a clue?

Any time and place humans gather resulting in the creation of civilization and culture the threat of madness is present. Curtailing the natural inclination of all biological species to be free results in the periodic return of a force which compels one to be free. Mass psychosis is the predictable outcome of grouping humans together into a social construct. Our denial of an outlet for madness within our society ensures that the force will reach a pretty intense state. I saw it coming and knew things would get dark. I don’t know where the bottom is but we haven’t reached it. The weak will succumb to their masters and the strong will be persecuted and removed from society. Free-thinking within society has to be tightly controlled or the secret will get out. The show must go on. The power of the mad god Dionysos, who is said to come afar from a foreign country, contains a demand to be liberated and to recognize this essential truth of our nature. Celebrating madness creates an outlet for this uncontrollable power and in turn results in a much healthier society. Denying this impulse sees the madness materialize during times of cultural stress which will cause mass psychosis which leads to great destruction as the world goes insane. The answer of course is to accept madness and ritually cultivate it. We don’t do that in our society; instead, we lock people up in mental institutions. The Greeks celebrated madness with Dionysos and the Romans had the Bacchanalia in which they were culturally allowed to go mad with Liber Pater and get it out of the system.

There is a role that psychedelics can play in our society concerning the mental illnesses brought upon members of the prevailing culture. These substances break the spell and allow one to see with clarity past the veils of culture, giving one a sense of liberation knowing that the game of life we get caught up playing is indeed just a game. We can see it’s sport and re-join with the capacity to not get too caught up in the drama. Regular use of these medicines will abate the coming tide. Madness can be transformed into laughter, rather than the rampaging force that will lay waste to the non-conformists.

I see the world I know dissolving away before my very eyes. Most people are still asleep and so the cyclical farce will go on. I can be a light in this sea of darkness leading by shining example despite the invective and contempt hurled my way and being branded a heretic and non-conformist. Free-thinker is my label of choice.

genie

The climb up the mountain has to start at the bottom to enact wholeness. The journey towards the light begins in total darkness. It is said by many I meet on this spiritual journey that God is light. Well, I’ll add God is all and God is the darkness. Until you see him in the darkness, you can’t possibly fathom this knowledge. We all want to transcend the darkness and focus on the light. Of course, the glory resides in the light.

Inaccessible and unfathomable knowledge has always been hidden in plain sight. There’re many stories and myths of the battles between the light and dark, of dragon slayers, and the victory of the righteous. The ultimate result of man’s victory over the darkness is self-deification. We then make God in our image.

Life can be an adventure story. The puzzle runs deep, the quest is long, and clues are left along the way. The Old Testament is full of stories of the two halves of man. Understanding of these stories has abandoned us because the knowledge and recognition of our psychic split has been successfully buried by culture. Within no time in the Book of Genesis is the story of Cain and Abel where the darkness is indeed victorious but as a result is expelled from society; Cain doomed to wander the earth as revealed in the fourth chapter of Genesis from the New International Version translation:

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

By the fourth chapter of the Bible, man is split with the result that anyone who recognizes the divide will immediately destroy the other. Later in chapter 25, is the contentious birth of the twins Jacob and Esau which leads to battles between the two for the birthright and blessing of the firstborn in chapter 27.

35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”

36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

Jacob wins out and is harassed by his brother Esau whom he must overcome in order to become Israel. Esau calls Jacob the deceiver; much like in order to come forth in my culture I claim this incarnation all for my own and bury my other half. Their father Isaac warns that eventually Esau will tire of this arrangement and seek to kill Jacob.

40 You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother.

But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.”

41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

Let me further explain the role of the myth. My favourite myth is the ancient Egyptian story of Horus and Set called “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The tale is one for mastery over the other in order to claim the kingship of Egypt for their own. The underlying narrative is one of the light and the dark within us all and a lifetime full of struggle to see which will come out on top. The Greeks knew Horus was Apollo, their god of light, and Set was their Typhon; a chthonic behemoth from the depths. Horus is ultimately victorious and is awarded kingship over the land.

I come forth as Horus. I am the light in man. I am Apollo. I am the child of Goddess and God. To come forth by day and claim my birthright as the sole king requires defeating and burying the contending force that lays within my psychic being. As a man, I became aware of this split once I started probing consciousness. I can now look back and see that to become a fully realized individual in my culture means burying the wild beast within my psyche. The playful spirit is chained; the last gasp of his nature comes to a head in the rebellious teenage years before we accept our role in culture. Those who cannot master the culture game are doomed to a life of difficultly; sometimes leading to being locked up behind bars.

I was a shy and quiet kid and teenage rebellion never gripped me at that stage of my life. Being someone who preferred my own company meant I never fully buried my other half. In fact, I wrote a couple of poems about him.

Split

i've tried.

i have really tried.

i can't live with myself.

what to do?

 

time to leave myself behind.

go my separate way.

take it all,

just leave me be.

 

i don't like you,

but you keep showing up at my door.

i've told you to go away.

you don't listen.

 

there's just one choice left.

it won't end amicably.

no more last chances.

i need you to go. 

2 paths

back again.

my addiction.

my innermost siren,

humming my destruction.

 

you leave.

you always return.

i sense your absence.

i curse your return.

 

i'll make the choice.

it's my responsibility.

either you win,

or you are subdued.

 

oh great adversary!

my unconquerable rival.

lay down your weapons,

for i am you.

I always was aware of him though I wouldn’t have been able to see him with the clarity I do now without an aid. Domestication and the dead end of being an adult did eventually cause rebellion in my life and therefore I was guided towards psychedelics in order to re-awaken the knowledge of the part of me I buried.

Initially, I was scared of him upon re-discovery. He was mad and seemed to hold in his hands a great deal of power. He KO’ed me with one punch and sent me scurrying. If the goal was transformation, it worked. I exchanged fear and cowardice for courage and bravery and being of the curious sort I went exploring.

I now know that without the darkness I am not complete. My power is only reclaimed when I recognize the darkness and see my other half, my brother, the side of me I buried in order to have this adventure. Once my wholeness is reclaimed, I truly am omnipotent. The darkness is the light bringer. Without him, I never would have stepped fully into the light.

In retrospect, the pull and quest to rediscover what was lost was paradoxical. When I was on to the scent and getting the courage to proceed along the left-hand path into the occult secret of the darkness, I faced much internal resistance. To overcome the blocks and doubts I had to become resolute in my mission and persevere. It’s quite interesting to look back upon this period in my life because I remember well the doubts. The plant medicine experience was new and exciting but I knew what lurked within and this trepidation would rise to the surface every now and then and I’d have to talk myself off the ledge. I’d get the feeling of I shouldn’t be doing this, get scared, and want to run away. There was an internal struggle and it is only now that I can see it for what it was. The fear and doubts were planted by the Maestro because he is the GOAT. His warrior training school forges steel and once this alloy is cooled there’s an eternal solidity to it so the course involved making damn sure you slay all the doubts that were surfacing in order to become an impeccable and brave warrior. The re-discovery of the power within ultimately involved trust and sacrifice. The trust on the side of the darkness involved letting me work through my issues in order to ensure the reunion was to last and I wouldn’t run. I can also envision the reverse of being buried within consciousness for half a century and the darkness being the genie let out of the bottle would take full advantage of regaining freedom and a foothold in the material world. If necessary, the darkness will play that game; however, priority one is the transformation of the split psyche back into the ruling king.

As an aside, once I got my wits about me I did ask for a reveal in due time of the mysterious figure I met in my deep dark depths during my early forays into the world of Ayahuasca and plant medicines. I have integrated the experience and am aware he represented my shadow but I was curious about the visual manner in which he manifested. The image is pretty clear in my mind’s eye of a sleepy demon with dark hair and a moustache that curled upwards at the edges. He was sitting directly in front of me in the lotus position.

The story of Aladdin and the genie he meets in the recesses of a dark cave crossed my path the other day and I was curious about it because I am well versed enough in mythology and symbolism so that this story was revealing itself to me. I did an internet search and started reading a translation that was replete with pictorial representations of the scenes as told. The genie was drawn with the loose-fitting clothes I remembered from my vision and low and behold he had a moustache that curled up at the edges, exactly how I remembered. In the Aladdin story, the genie is representing power and control via magic and how this is available to us all through re-discovering and releasing from bondage the shadow we all bury. This has been a major theme in my journey. I re-discovered this hidden dark realm and subsequently was offered omnipotent power and the ability to control my environment. My genie gave me the opportunity to take it all, reminiscent of Satan taking Christ to the highest high during his sojourn in the desert and offering him total worldly power. Maybe I was naive and didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time but I repeatedly declined the offers of power, which are akin to Aladdin being given three wishes. Maybe I knew there’s a catch to this, maybe not? All I know is my intentions for drinking plant medicines involved coming into contact with the Great Goddess and cultivating that relationship. This consumed me and the rest was just a sideshow. The genie was in my way and I would develop strategies to make him go away so I could get to my lady.

Eventually, as this blog space is a testament to, I became very curious about this darkness that was always present in my forays into altered states and I ended up fully integrating all my experiences and in hindsight I realized what I had done. I declined the offer of gobs of power. Admittedly, I did it rather naively. Like I said, this parallel storyline was a nuisance. Maybe it was good fortune? Regardless, now as I have seen in hindsight how my shadow has taught me courage and bravery and transformed me into a warrior my relationship with my shadow, the genie, is my most cherished friendship. He is my mentor and my guide and I have a huge love for him in my heart and for all he has done for me. I trust my life to him.

Post-childhood, he never left. I just denied him and culture enforced the excommunication. They said talking to yourself is crazy. Any attempts to try and figure out what is going on is met with a dazzling array of confusion. Embark on the spiritual path and you are shepherded to religion. Side-stepping that institution, you eventually become counselled on quieting the mind and entering into a practice of meditation to learn to still the mind. Sure, it’s useful for discarding the influence of culture and those who hold sway over your life. Eventually, you have to discard meditation in order to re-discover your own voice, once you burn away the outside influences. How does ego tie into what I perceive? The ego is the identity culture has given you. Stop it. Stop right now! Don’t let others dictate your experience. Find your own truth. Sit with that voice and re-discover who you are.

That voice is your playmate. The dog you chained, locked away, and forgot about. Oh, so now it bites? No wonder. Would you want to be locked away again or likewise be the genie stuffed in a lamp for thousands of years? Friendship and trust must be re-established and a mutual partnership created. His way of getting through to me was through fear which enacted a transformation that then allowed me to break free of the mind spell of culture and thus dropping all narratives I saw the truth. I saw my friend. Nice to meet you again.

I live a charmed life, never making a decision that goes against my life’s mission. I can now easily see the clues and this path is fascinating. The story of the genie in the bottle or the lamp who grants the three wishes is genius! This myth is pointing towards an esoteric truth and is not just some fanciful Arabian Nights story. We all have within the genie and the explorer of consciousness will eventually find Aladdin’s lamp. When the genie offers you the three wishes, a metaphor for power, what will you do?

I know this sounds nuts and I’ll own it in order to continue on down this most interesting path. The genie did indeed offer me wishes in the form of power. The power to change the course of the game to my advantage. I’m an old soul and previously I’m sure I fell for that gambit. In many lifetimes I have tried to slay the dragon and become the hero. The physical consciousness realm of earth is for adventure quests and a game player like yourself wants to solve the puzzle. The solution took more than one lifetime and here I am, finally, at the final level communing with the final boss. The game ends when I become him and he becomes me.

Indeed, Jacob reconciles with Esau after spending a lifetime searching for God. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within held in a metaphorical lamp that acts as a prison cell holding the key to your liberation. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 to which I’m referring. The translation is from the New International Version.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

11 Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

In the previous chapter, Jacob wrestled all night with the angel of God and subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Immediately following this event, he sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two powers within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture.

I now have the cheat codes to life. I know the answer to the riddle. I can tell you what the game is and how to beat it. You don’t want that. Where’s the fun and adventure playing in invincible mode? Okay, maybe just one time. I think we both know the joie de vivre of the game of life is the unpredictability which begets novelty.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

mastering the dream

This funny situation occurred the other day as I was walking home from work. I passed by this man who was looking at me and talking in my direction and I did my best to avoid engaging him as being in the downtown of a large city you just never know. He seemed sure I was a member of the rock band the Goo Goo Dolls. Yeah, I’m in my mid-50’s but sure I can still pull of the facade of an eternal rocker lol. I continued on, informed my wife of the incident, and we both thought it to be quite funny. I remarked that I thought he was high.

A couple days later I was reflecting on the absurdity of it all while puffing away on Mapacho tobacco, my agent of clarity. He compelled me to look closer and compare absurd events such as this with what happens in my dreams. I have recently added Mugwort, known for inducing lucid dreaming, to my plant medicine roster and thus upon working with this plant I have definitely noticed it is a lot easier to remember your dreams as it keeps you on the precipice of lapsing into the forgetfulness of deep sleep. As an aside, I can give you the advice that if you do want to try Mugwort don’t overdo it or you will have a fitful night of sleep. I hardly ever have insomnia but due to one day upping my intake of Mugwort, I put myself in a state of lucid no sleep. Anyway, at times with Mugwort I can start dreaming, know I’m dreaming, and then alter the dream through thought projection. I’m at beginner level and it is quite fascinating though I do prefer the free flow of the dream from my subconscious without the interjection of conscious thought patterns. Through working with dreams and remembering them, I am amazed at how long buried thoughts are dredged up and incorporated into the tapestry of the dream that is woven together by the subconscious into a believable whole, that is until you wake up and have a good laugh.

The Tobacco Maestro was compelling me to go deeper into this phenomenon and make the connection to the waking dream I am inhabiting. Of course, I now see it. The absurdity of the man comparing me to a forgotten rock star is the stuff of dreams. It’s exactly what occurs randomly in dreams. The situation is a crack in my reality and a clue to what is going on. I will never expect my subconscious to directly give the show away and say, “Hey dumbass, you’re living in a dream!” Instead, the inference and connection to this knowledge is made through coincidences, omens, and synchronicities that if we pay attention add up to a reality that is undeniably connected to our nocturnal musings, with the caveat we maintain a ironclad grip on this dream through the promulgation of left-brained logic and reason. Our thinking patterns of daily life, enforced by our culture, prevent us from seeing the magic and thus we live unfulfilled lives, wondering what does this all mean?

When we re-discover the subconscious, our world can become magical, though at first chances are the re-discovery will cause you an awful fright. I heeded the call of my intuition eight years ago and ventured into the Amazon jungle in order to drink a powerful psychedelic. Here I was a middle-aged man whose experience with psychoactive drugs was limited to alcohol and caffeine descending into an unknown world to turn my life upside down. The inner calling and knowing I had to do it was so strong I couldn’t resist. The second time I altered my consciousness I came face to face with my subconscious other half and subsequently frightened myself beyond comprehension. I had never experienced the fight or flight phenomenon or the paranoia such a fright induces. But there I was in the middle of nowhere undergoing this initiation that if I was aware would happen I wouldn’t have done it. This night of terror has propelled me onto a path of knowledge that would have been unfathomable to the previous iteration of self. Eight years later and I consider my shadow subconscious to be a trusted friend, the greatest of Maestros, and a guide to help me navigate the vagaries of life as long as I listen to him and follow his guidance. It will all work out and I know whatever I want he will grant the wish. Therein lies the rub - I won’t enter into that game because I know it has consequences. Instead, we do this dance where he knows my inner desires and then he manifests situations where the chance of fulfillment appears and I make a choice. Or sometimes, the result is presented to me as a synchronicity just because. Take for instance the other day I hadn’t seen this person in a while and thought well it would be nice to talk to them again. The next morning, they appeared on cue. Ha ha! I saw that one immediately! These games are fun to play. I’m not going to ask for worldly power and the ability to make all my fantasies come true. Come to think of it, if I did that I would sever connection with my guides and become a megalomaniac, throwing away a relationship to spirit and the nature of being that really is the elixir of life.

So, this a dream, no different than the frivolous wanderings of the mind all creatures conjure at night. If it’s a dream, does it matter? Well, not really. Take the example I gave you above where I said I can tip the outcome of this dream in my favour. I know I can because I have the receipts. However, I will not do it because an outcome where I know the result is no adventure. That dream would suck. I want chance and choice. If you sit with this for a while and see the absurdity of how we live our lives you can’t help coming back to choice. Nothing matters and thus when given the ultimate get out of jail free card wouldn’t you choose to just love everyone?