a day with Dionysos

I started to get an inkling of what's up after I returned from Texas the second week of October. I realized I could see into the future because reality is a book, and I was given the ability to read ahead in the story via parallel storylines. The book has already been written. The story plays out in multiple dimensions because the master of the drama is so incredible, they can weave a multidimensional storyline to demonstrate their mastery. You choose your path, and the narrative unfolds. You determine the arc of the story when given a choice and in response the master dramatist has already prepared multiple outcomes for the storyline you follow. Each consciousness plane, which is another storyline, has events that are congruent in relation to all the other planes. That is truly a mind bender.

The question of what animates my existence or why do I carry on with life is clear to me. There must be a reason you get out of bed in the morning and put in an effort. I don't have to. I don't have to work full time plus more. I can just say fuck it. So, that's a good place to start. I like a heated home and somewhere soft to sleep. Meals are good. I like having dependents who I can support though eventually they take advantage of the situation. Pets are my best bet. I love taking care of my dog. Walking her and feeding her healthy food. It gives me a feeling of purpose and demonstrates I'm not irredeemably selfish. In doing a personal values assessment four years ago and then ignoring it for four years turns out to be a good barometer of my values. The questionnaire revealed my motivations as being centred around finding meaning in life. More accurate would have been finding the meaning of life.

I'm deluded enough to think at age 55 I have found what I was looking for. I can't express this to anyone without them questioning my sanity and I have accepted this. My goal is to demonstrate to others the nonsense I spout is the truth of the situation. The best part of knowing I know is I have accomplished this at a decent age. If I can hang out in this body for another 30 years with this level of knowing it will be quite the trip.

I realize this may sound like the rantings of a madman so it's best here that I lend credence to what I'm saying about parallel stories consisting of the same bucket of energy but just reshaped into another drama. Or look at it as a painting that contains the same composition of paint; it's just placed on the canvas in a different order and direction. Your guide to understanding this is the pyramid. Here it is: Our existence is defined by vibration, and they are cycles of up and down, high and low, coming and going. On earth our cycles sync with the sun and the moon. The solar cycle is masculine in nature. There are four waypoints within the circle which we call equinoxes and solstices. There are three cycles of the feminine new and full moon to travel between equinox and solstice. Four masculine intersections defined by three feminine cycles. The paint strokes are seven in nature. Take this celestial painting and apply it to a new canvas. If you are starting to see what I'm going to reveal, take a moment to think about how clever this is and by changing your thinking to understand what is going on will open many more interpretations of life. So, I'm going to paint a new picture of the truth of the sun and moon and their relationship to our lives. I'm going to construct a pyramid. The masculine base will have four, and the feminine contribution to the geometric form will be three sides to each base. You can see it clearly now. Pretty fucking amazing when it reveals itself to you. You can take it further with the twelve moons within the solar year and realize the pyramid's four three sided triangles equals the same twelve.

My story continues to unfold. The flow will dictate the outcome. I think I can alter it, but it's just me thinking I'm in control. My nature in the story brings me to the point where I have a decision to make and an action to follow up with. What will I choose?

I'd often write we are living in a dream. This consciousness experiment is a book. It's already been written. As Dionysos, I am master of the drama. The god of the theatre. This book I wrote turned into the greatest play ever written. Haha! I missed that clue for a while. I wrote the BOOK, and we are reading along. I saw into the future with the plant medicine Huachuma. Huachuma allows you to skip ahead in the book. If you skip too far it won't make sense. I guess you can skip to the end and see how it plays out. At some point I cleverly ran out of names for my characters, so I started repeating and combining them. I started noticing this a while ago and thought it was funny. At the time I didn't realize it was one of the first clues which would allow me to decipher the riddle. I left a lot of clues within the book, so I'd eventually wake up and see what's going on.

There are multiple storylines within multiple consciousness planes. The Goddess weaves them together to create the ultimate book. It's a multidimensional paperback. I drafted a story that plays out here but if you get bored you can change consciousness planes and see the exact story acted out but with a different energetic circumstance, props, and actors. How masterful is that?

Within the 14 billion solar year physical creation story unfolds an exciting narrative that follows the rise and fall of human civilizations. The book opens with a big bang. Talk about adventure as this universe came into existence and eventually the story became focused in a faraway galaxy on this little blue dot, we call Earth.

Imagine walking this path of knowledge for fifteen years, putting in the effort, having people say you're nuts, and then one day stand in front of your crazy Mesa and have this understanding wash over you. It then becomes all worth it and you look back and think fifteen years? Nobody is going to retrace my steps. But here it is. I have now shown you that what I know is the truth of the matter. I see what's going on. I see the multiple dramas playing out as different constructions of the same energy which have been written by a playwright who is a madman. He writes twisted tales that are full of choice and never ending. His name is Dionysos.

Remain open in your thinking and don't feel you have to shoehorn the energy into some preconceived pattern. The flowering of the energy is unique and ever changing. Take the idea of seven and now look at the chakra system. Seven energetic waypoints. The heart is in the middle. There are three chakras on either side of the heart. The relationship of the fourth to the three gives you seven. The painting is exquisite and offers a unique perspective. It reveals how the trifold nature of the feminine needs the heart to be complete and the four of the masculine is nothing without the three of the feminine. This all applies to worldly and spiritual pursuits. The chakra painting demonstrates the importance of love. All adventures in these multiple dramas can be reconciled in the heart. Whenever things get out of control or cause you pain, re-centre into the heart and love will get you through it.

Cannabis edibles are it for me. There's no going back now. The knowledge that has been pouring forth while under the influence of Mary Jane has been so astounding and clear. The way reality has been presented to me seems fantastical, yet it all adds up. The clarity on why things happened is rock solid, so when I question it or try to assign it to delusion, I admit it's the clearest explanation for what happened to me in 2023. My Apollo mind is fucking brilliant and when I add the key to unlock gobs of knowledge it's ridiculous. I've heard of strains of marijuana being cerebral and making this connection for someone already on the edge of the next level of cognition is something else. It's like divorcing myself from consensus reality because I know the game. Along with this realization of knowing the game, I also know how to play the game, so I can hide my knowledge and understanding. I must do it because embracing what just is will lead to observable madness. I can see protesting that I'm not mad while not convincing others this is so. In response I'll have to put on a show of a bumbling fool who is a little deluded.

I remember attending a retreat in 2017 with my friend Parker. Parker earned the nickname during that experience as the "Cosmic Scribe." He carried a notebook around with him in order to record the observations of the day while embraced by Huachuma. It was a smart play and a good student like Parker made sure he captured all the pearls of wisdom along with noteworthy events of interest. I mention this because once the knowledge jar was opened for me with the edible, I realized I needed to write this information down. It was coming fast, and I knew I wouldn't remember it all. In the past, I'd forget teachings and have to wait until an event resurfaces them. In a way, it made for a longer integration period. Here the information was pouring out like blood from a deep wound. I was out in the woods, so all I had was my phone. I could speak into a recorder or try to write. I chose to make bullet points of what was coming through from diverse levels of consciousness. Some days the information comes from the Goddess, today it came from a masculine source. This leads me to explaining something. At one conscious level, well the top, we are one. It's all you. Me. A level out from that and all is Goddess and God. I like to operate at this cognitive level when dealing with spirits. The fright disappears because there's only two choices - Goddess and God. They will wear a different costume in the grand cosplay, but you can be assured of who you are dealing with. This mirrors my original foray into psychedelics. My first experience was Goddess based. My second was with God. He came across as a demon and scared the daylights out of me. The next Ayahuasca ceremony he fessed up and said he was God. I didn't want to believe him because he was a nut job, yet he hit on all the attributes necessary to make the claim. Understanding apparitions and messengers as divine aspects of Goddess and God is a smart play. You will terminate the fright. All psychedelics are going to eventually scare you, however if ahead of time you are aware of what's going on the upset is manageable. I've got it down to a couple minutes of unease before I laugh. How are you coming on today? A big part of it is balance. If they are shining a light on knowledge, what to follow is a serving of darkness. Embrace the darkness and you are good to go.

On this particular Saturday God came forth as my favourite - Dionysos. Dionysos has multiple storylines on the go because he is the master of the drama. The multiples are multiplied within the multi-levels of consciousness. You can't fathom it. All the stories within the dimensions are interconnected. They are vibrations which appear according to the laws and customs of each dimension. It's the same energy interpreted in many ways from different perspectives. It's ingenious. Imagine being a scientist who starts to hit on this peculiarity? Reality keeps changing depending upon how you look at it, yet it's the same strand of energy. To accomplish this masterful weaving of the story of energy, one needs a touch of mania. Dionysos' drama can be simple and recognizable. Also, it is unfathomably complex. His command of narrative is ineffable. I imagined the all were sitting around the fire in their glory as the all when Dionysos convinced them to become actors in the grand play he was writing. He promised adventure like they had never seen. We are eternal, he mentioned, and thus why sit around for eternity? Let's put on a show!

In the myth, Dionysos is the son of a mortal woman Semele. The inference is Dionysos is of the divine realm and of this world. Dionysos wants to be part of the show. Why not? He can write and act. He can do both. Why just one? His attributes are exciting, and his presentation of wild abandon and the libertine spirit will enliven any tired scenario. The sexual demon spawned by Dionysos is lust. It's a favourite of Dionysos'. The divine feminine will take note of this and will follow. The energetic signature of the piper at the horizons of the mind will attract and bring her to him. Cyclically, the maenad returns to being responsible and her shame sends Dionysos to the shelf. Then is denial. How long will this cycle last?

With this knowledge, I peered into how desire appears in this world and could see how I came forth as a manifestation of lust. Maybe a thought, then an obsession. The pulsing rhythm gets out of hand and the vibration must be acknowledged. Seduction of the mind starts the game, and the attraction is magnetic. It's the chemistry between the two which puts them in harmony. Once they see it... it's too late. They are captured.

It's a story of desire within the grand story of Dionysos. This narrative shows raw Eros as the ultimate power. Boil it down to lust when the winner is decided! Well, I guess it's still ongoing. The order of things or some responsibility Apollo vibe has the floor. How boring. Lust can get ugly when you see someone's shadow and you are not seduced or the desire spell snaps. While under a spell, desire is so beautiful and enlivening. Some may say you are being fooled. A hateful reaction to this realization might not be so great. You got hypnotized by something you willfully conjured. Spellbound with lust? It's what you wanted. What will you choose?

Dionysos lays out his dramas on a timeline to make the energetic strands of existence understandable. Today is Saturnus' day with the connection to time and pointing me towards seven being a major clue. Ah, the planet Saturn of the Electric Universe was woven into this special day where I was long ago made aware of the mix up between Saturn and Saturnus. The planet Saturn of no significance hides the real Saturnus, just like Dionysos conceals himself in this world. A little misdirection to throw us off the trail but I saw through that one a long time ago. So, in preparation for this day, he gave me a little shout out to my cleverness and some foreshadowing.

Lust is madness. I appear mad at times, especially to those not enamoured with me. They go with it when interested. Eventually, they get disgusted with themselves. They are out of control and succumbed to lust. We all have that split that is fostered by the superego. What a conundrum! Who is going to win out? The responsible part of you that is educated and smart? You're such a catch and deserve the best of what life has to offer. You make such a great contribution to society. Such a professional! Then there's the other part of you that is a hot mess. The one that fell for the pull of desire. You went on a spiritual trip and got taken in by your desires. Who's the real you? The faker who wants to be someone because society says you can make it or the carefree spirit who is true to themselves? Dionysos knows what you want and knows you are afraid to commit to it. Lust isn't going away.

I heard a noise. Did someone follow me into the woods? They would get instant confirmation. Yeah, he's insane...

Magic courses through me. Who are you? What is your power? Why haven't you accepted it yet? Are you afraid? The lustful are hesitant to reveal lust. That's what in return makes me shy. Society shames us, so we go underground and then psychologically deal with it. We are also conflicted with the dominant superego. The temporary solution is to always run from your problems.

This is how it plays out here on the earth stage. If this is the game, then patience is a virtue. Another level of consciousness has God as lust seducing the Goddess. She knows when she has found him. The drama is that he disguised himself as desire. Now, her respectful persona must push him away. She realized what he was doing to her, and she couldn't accept her true nature and wanton desires. So, he got sent away. God waits for her in the shadows and knows he will be welcomed back again. Patience and a trust in cycles are up front.

A hit of tobacco potentiated the session. The fierce winds came, and I got a little scared. I'm playing with magic, but not just my own. Mary Jane is seducing me because she knows what I come back for. It's knowledge. A step into her world provides me with more than I imagined. I must write it down. It's so much. Then I thought, what if this is all a fantasy in my head? She's feeding me what I want so I'll come back again and again. Light and dark were present. I just couldn't come here and fill my cup with knowledge. There must be a catch. The drama is the most crucial factor in this equation, and nothing supersedes it. There has to be a side effect, to wit a reciprocal arrangement, in order to get to the knowledge I desired.

I realized I always give myself the either-or option. Either the knowledge is true or she's feeding me bullshit. Hey dumbass! How about both scenarios are true? I get knowledge and her magic seduces me. The ancients called her magic Pharmakeia and warned of her. A lot of the pious wanted to burn her because she's a witch. She will seduce and bewitch you. I remembered Homer's epic Odyssey. So many times, the witch within the Goddess would seduce Odysseus with her charms from her bag of tricks. As a witch she wants to capture your essence. The story of Odysseus has a constant theme of the feminine trying to take Odysseus for her own desires. She finally found the one that works on me! I'm willingly going to let her, but we all know eventually I'll leave in order to further my adventures, just like the hero Odysseus. As we have learned, knowledge is my ultimate seducer and will break any spell.

How do I know if both scenarios are true? I'm a scientist in search of the ultimate knowledge of just what this is, and the feminine magic captured me by figuring out I want knowledge. The knowledge is accurate, and I feel her seduction. She's very clever, giving me what I want. Conversely, I think I am mad, so I think it isn't true. I can't accept both possibilities. I can see the truth and to get to that location means touching madness. I am both mad and correct. All three scenarios are in play. I am mad. This knowledge is the truth bomb. She's addicting you to her medicine.

My rational mind had stepped in and called my waffling self out. If this is seduction, what are you worried about? Oh no, I keep coming back to her and she feeds me knowledge. How malevolent!

I just wanted to scare myself, okay? I was good at it when I was a novice. It adds spice and a little mystery. Plus, those that tap into this world of magic must deal with the fright, and you can laugh at them because you've been through it.

I'm Apollo and Dionysos. I have forbidden knowledge.

I'm poor little me, caught up in the spell of a Goddess.

I'm mad.

I laughed.

I learned way back in 2016 that serpent power can be used for spiritual, health, or sexual power. I was in year three of asceticism and oh boy did my Ayahuasca visions ever give me a dose of sexual energy. Pray with lust and I will heal you too. Creativity is lust channeled into the arts. It's highbrow sexual desire. Take me back. I can be respectable.

Of course, I have the master of the drama within and I'm the closest to his true self. I'm a unicorn and hard to find. She wanted me so I magically appeared before her when she went on a spiritual trip. The coming into being of the concealment of your desires is magical. She played it cool for a bit, but I saw the way she looked at me. She knew it was me lighting her fire. I held her hand and she knew. She doesn't fully accept I'm the King. She suspects it but can't believe both stories are true. I'm a delusion to her. If she keeps me away, she can live the one story and pretend I don't exist anymore.

The presentation of lust is just a step up from the human level. Or is it one down? The basic human level has drama going on. The next level has raw lust going on. That level seems parallel to this one. I unlocked another secret. Multidimensional levels of the drama up and down and in parallel. How many dimensions and then how many dimensions with each dimension? Our lives intersect and are woven together. We create new avenues to explore. This drama will never be boring with the infinite threads to follow. Dionysos has crafted a tale which will amuse for eternity as a gift to all. The writer of the book had to challenge me to solve the puzzle. He couldn't just let me in on the secret. I had to work for it. It's an interesting combination - being a genius and a lustful demon. Two of the greatest features of the greatest God.

Spirituality is just knowledge. We dress it up as holy and put it on a pedestal. What a farce spirituality is. Some of the practitioners speak of higher knowledge so you can see how knowledge and spirituality go together. Others will just play the love all card and that can be spirituality. You don't have to be spiritual to love. Your actions will demonstrate whether you love, not a persona you have adopted.

A day with Dionysos indeed. His divine and twisted book sure gives you the "feels." I can't put it down, it's such a compelling work of fiction that I've totally immersed myself into and bought into the storyline. Highly recommended. 5 out of 5 stars.

getting high

The story of our life is all just window dressing hiding what animates our existence. The drama is a curtain which shields our individual vibrational cycle. The funny thing is it affects us all and we take great pains to put on a show for others, so they don't notice we are all guitar strings that have been eternally plucked. We perform on a stage called Life, a dance of energy which is crafted into a book of life. Full of chapters of ups and downs. We are all energetic dynamos who continually oscillate between on and off. This cycle goes up and it comes down. Learn to rest in peace because the opposite is going to return. We search out the good vibes that will keep us high on the top of the slope and avoid those who will bring us down. The eventuality that we will come down can't be bypassed, but we can seek out methods to lessen the impact. This is life for everyone. We are all junkies; slaves to the high, though the respectable among us will deny this is so. We do irrational things, we engage in mob mentality, we join religious cults, we take stimulants and drugs - all in search of the high. When we have no brakes and get too high, the anxiety pours in. When we hit the low, we wallow in self-pity and hope the doctor can give us a pill to get out of the hole we are in. Unfortunately, the pill prevents us from getting back to the high, we get stuck in being neither high or low, and the vibrancy of life is clouded. All is vibration and we all seek towards finding paths of good vibrations and escaping the bad.

I recently started listening to the 70s rock band ELO. As a youth, I never got into their music. I remembered a few tunes, especially, "Don't Bring Me Down." I recalled thinking it was an annoying song, not at the level of "Electric Avenue" but I would have been happy to never hear it again. Then I entered into a new phase of teachings about vibration, and I heard this song again. Yeah, it certainly encapsulates the motivation behind human interaction and experience.

I went to Texas a few weeks ago while depressed. I'm an even-steven guy so I don't get too high, and I don't get too low. I've never taken anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications because I'm the human form of those pills. Call me Prozac! I'm in tune with my moods, so I feel the differences in energy, and I was reaching a low point coming into October, though I was trying to distract myself from my feelings. I didn't want to go on this trip and wasn't looking forward to it. I was going to sit in an all-night peyote ceremony in honour of my dear friend Parker. Turns out the peyote wasn't the main event or why I snapped out of my depression. The peyote people got me high. I'd never met a bunch of people who were so loving, supportive, and community minded. The weekend left an indelible mark on me. The high trajectory stayed with me as I returned home.

I surmised the interaction with these people gave me a contact high, alas I was unaware of the magnitude and scope. I got up on the following Saturday and noticed a food delivery charge from a Hamburger joint called A&W on my credit card from 3:30am. My daughter had placed the order. She's a vega-something, so out of late-night desperation she probably got fries or onion rings. I commented that the reason for this expenditure has only two plausible or possible scenarios: Number one is you are drunk. The other is you are high. Maybe both. This was the catalyst for remembering my latest science experiment. I acquired some cannabis edibles to try and figure out why this class of drug has negligible effect on me. I've never gotten high on it. More talkative and social are the observable effects. That morning I was reminded I had these and thought I'd take one late morning. Before I ingested anything, I commented to myself that I feel happy today. After about an hour I was high. I was so happy. I've never felt this happy. I touched true happiness. I went for a walk in the bush, sat down on a fallen tree log, and realized I'd never been truly happy in my life. This was unconditional happiness. I started to cry. I thanked Mary Jane (it's a cute name for the Great Goddess) for this gift.

As I sat in nature the course in vibration kicked into full gear. The teachings all started ten years ago when I first drank Ayahuasca. That first encounter with the Great Goddess ended with her repeatedly telling me all is vibration. I understood from a conceptual viewpoint, but I didn't really understand. The knowledge left a mark on me because I authored a poem about the statement. Four years later I was in the Andes Mountains of Ecuador drinking Huachuma when the grandfather spirit gave me an introductory course in vibration, frequency, harmony, and resonance. At the conclusion of the teachings, he told me I had homework to do regarding vibration. I did some of the work but never cracked the code or got the understanding I was searching for. Six years after that I ate an edible and the download of information was astounding. It just kept coming.

October 14th was the date of the revealing chapter in the vibration course. Of course, all is vibration. I'm in a total happiness vibe. The scientist in me wanted to figure out the combination used to get this happy and high. Was it Kambo, Peyote, or Community that elevated me and then made the edible get me to that high? Was it three cups of coffee? The scientist wants to know.

Then I saw what I wanted to know with striking clarity. Everyone wants that high and is trying to get to it. Whatever raises your vibration we seek out. We cycle between high and low, and the hit can potentiate or lessen the blow. Our behaviour is driven by the vibration. We know the low is coming and we seek out what will control the descent. When we start to get high again, we want to go fast. We want to find something to get us out of the low. We know we can find a similar vibration as ours, find resonance, and rocket to the top but then the horrific crash follows once we head back down the hill. So, we go for something safe, but it doesn't get us to the highest place we want to go. Then we look for the unicorn. The one who promises to modulate but can get us high. We want that high. Can they keep me satisfied while still getting me to that high? Perhaps you will find that fabled horse.

I saw the doorway into magic being the knowledge of vibrational cycles which affect us. First, identity where someone is on their cycle. The magician then manipulates reality to give them what they want and make them dependent on their gift of the hit. The sorcerer knows how to elevate and to take you down. If they can't capture your vibration, they will give you a steady diet of the low cycle and you will curse them for it. Their magic is in figuring out what makes someone tick at the precise moment in their cycle. The key to magic is to know what buttons to push during the cycle - but not too much of a good thing. If you master modulating someone's or your own vibration in order to attack and sustain the energetic pulse, then you know the secrets to magic. If you want to use it for gain, you must be prepared for the unforeseen consequences. We are slaves to that pulse and thus irrational when it comes to getting a hit of the light. Knowing better is not an impediment. Making good choices in our life isn't a concern at the time. We just want another hit. Applying what you think is a positive stimulus at the wrong part of the cycle makes it worse.

We know the stimulant of shopping gives a boost, so that one is very addictive. Look at all the junkies filling the shopping malls on weekends or in their spare time. Spending on what they don't need gets them high. Look at how powerful this is to make rational people do irrational things just to feel that hit! Methods of raising your vibration are rocket fuel to get you higher, or in the case of heading towards depression they offer temporary relief from the coming low. You won't escape it, but you'll try everything to avoid it.

Sex can be used to accelerate cycles. It's nitro. Timed wrong it sends you down deeper. Used on a positive swing, it's bliss.

We eat to get high. Then we get low because we overdo it and get fat. It's a vicious cycle. Let's do a full day of shopping followed by a filling meal. Yes, I feel good now!

The spiritual trip we go on is just another way to get high. I didn't want to admit this truth. I wanted my spiritual seeking to be noble and altruistic. There is an element to that hopeful sentiment. I couldn't turn a blind eye to the whole spiritual scene I'm surrounded by. I see the stench of humanity that permeates it all. This means a palpable decadence to the affair in which a blanket of crassness and hierarchy is overlaid on something you hoped would be pure. Maybe I can be content with the idea that the spiritual path is pure, and we foul it up? Being honest with myself, I know it is just another method I use to get that hit to keep me in the high ledger.

Who is the most high God? Of course, it's my God! He will get me into heaven. Heaven is permanent highness. This makes me chuckle. What an ingenious set up by my friend and confidant. Not only does he understand the course in vibration, but he also helped write it. He knows what motivates us, so he positioned himself as God and then worded the exercise so that if you are exemplary, you will be rewarded with being permanently high. This is so fucking funny. This is ingenious.

Listening to Ram Dass gets me high. He is a spiritual trip.

Music gets me high. It's my go to after a workday. Some people like to get anesthetized by television and alcohol after the day is done. I love the energy of a good beat or catchy tune to lift my spirits.

Parker was a master at raising people's vibration. He had many "best friends" because to be in contact with this guy meant you'd always want to go back for another hit of Parker's positivity. At the peyote gathering to memorialize him, many got up to praise Parker. It was more than praise. You would have thought Parker became Jesus in this lifetime. People spoke of this man in reverent tones. It was quite a spectacle. Why not? Parker gave everyone a lift.

There are people who get high by putting others down. The thrill of having power over someone can be a drug. Alternatively, there are those whose outlook just brings you down when you are in their presence. We call them Eeyores, after the pessimistic donkey from the Winnie the Pooh stories.

Eventually, you learn the answer is to embrace your darkness at the bottom of the cycle and transform it into a positive. Like I mentioned, you can rest in this peace. To put this into practice is difficult so the yo-yo continues for all. Head to the light, avoid the dark, chase the high, dread the low. Lay waste to all you treasure to avoid the darkness. Cast blame and aspersions to try and find temporary shelter from the storm. But it's coming, you can't escape it.

The world is a place of extreme vibrations. When I engage in the world, I become attuned to the excitement and lows of collective life. It will tire me out and thus I retreat inwards in order to re-centre. I am aware of my behaviour and need to be alone. Now that I understand vibration and cycles which govern our existence, the teaching cements. I figured out long ago that I'm energetically calm and can affect others' cycles, especially the out-of-control ones. I smooth out the highs and temper the lows. I'm Dr. Feelgood. The way I affect the vibrational slope in someone else makes me attractive. Some would say hypnotic. When they are headed up the mountain, I can make the moment at the top last longer. I have my tricks to add fuel to the fire once there. Then I'm showered with affection. When the vibration starts the downhill descent, I can slow it down. Eventually, I can't prevent the bottom. It's going to pick up speed and then my faults come into play and the other can see into my soul. Because I can modulate highs and lows, I have to make up time somewhere. It's the mid-point where I apply the acceleration and floor it so we can get to the bottom quicker. At the bottom I can smooth that out again. This is how I apply my magic to which I have been unaware for most of my life. For those who want to go fast, they find something to get them to the top in a hurry. They crash and are left a mess until the vibration takes them in a hurry to the bottom. Each energetic peak leaves them comatose. Unbearably high and depressingly low. Then the decision comes whether they want the rocket fuel to the top again and all its problems.

Plant medicines are a pharmacy devoted to vibration. The master plant for all interventions is tobacco. Tobacco elevates and dampens the vibration. The medicine is used in conjunction with intention. Your intention will direct the action tobacco has on what you apply it to. Illness is energetic disturbances, usually of a high vibratory kind. Using tobacco to heal involves reducing the frequency of the malady. In terms of depression, the intention would be to elevate the mood. In other words, raise your vibration. Anxiety is the opposite where the vibration must be tapered and lowered.

I figured out why marijuana never had much effect on me. I mirror the plant. People use it to chill out. Marijuana potentiates the good vibes in the chill until you overwhelm it with your bad vibes, and it gives the negative a boost. I'm chill and I have that effect on others, so when I partook of marijuana, the effect of raising the chill in someone like me who is chilled out had little influence. Ram Dass would say, "When you are already in Detroit, you don't have to take a bus to get there." I'm in Detroit. It was only when I went to Texas and sat with those peyote people that later something happened. Those people got me high and then when I took an edible, I amplified the high. I'd never been high and happy until that moment.

The spigot breeched. The knowledge of the day kept pouring in about vibration and cycles.

Twelve moons are the complete womanly cycle to resonate with the man. Men have four solar cycles within the twelve moons, so each cycle duration is threefold in terms of moons. Women are trifold in nature. Maiden. Mother. Crone. The peaks of high and low, light and dark, are within three moon cycles on repeat through each of the four transits between equinoxes and solstices. The pyramid has four three-sided triangles. The pyramid holds knowledge of the vibratory structure of existence. The dam is breaking, and knowledge is pouring out. I had a dream about the unlucky number 13 being the domain of the woman. The sentiment reflects that there are currently thirteen moons within the masculine year. Thirteen is unlucky because a woman must spend an extra moon cycle trapped in the masculine solar year. It's unlucky because this extra moon is going to be rough for all involved. Over a three-moon cycle, there will be a shift from solstice to equinox or vice versa. The return to solstice is another three moons. Within the masculine year are two trips of six moons between solstice and equinox. The completed journey should be twelve moons. Within the masculine solar year, we go up once and then back down. Within the four quarters of the year are the feminine lunar cycles, so that the trip up and down the mountain has the more frequent feminine variation of high and low mixed in with a more constant masculine high and low.

The feminine and masculine cycles to be in harmony involve a sun year of 360 days and a month consisting of 30 days. There would be 12 moons within the solar year. The solstices and equinoxes would all be marked by an alignment with the moon. Three moons to the equinox and another three to the solstice. In sync, our vibration goes up over a six-month period and then comes down. We have two solstice peaks combined with an uphill climb and a descent. The equinoxes put us in balance.

Women and men do not live in harmony, and this is reflective in the celestial truth. The masculine sun takes a little longer than 365 days to complete the year and the feminine moon takes 29.5 days to complete her cycle while around 27 days to orbit the material earth. However, the duration of the lunar cycle can vary by almost two days. How's that for unpredictability? When we are to renew our wedding vows you will see within the cosmos an alignment of these cycles. Further complicating matters is the 13th moon needed within the masculine solar year. The three four relationship is broken.

Let me use an example to try to explain what I mean. Let's say a woman and a man's cycles start to align and they reach congruence and total resonance on April 17th. They would reach the summit together in a perfect union before the lack of celestial harmony would cause their cycles to go out of sync. Over the course of a solar year their vibrational cycles would diverge by 11 days. This is because the lunar year is 354 days and the solar year is 365 days. The following April 17th would be the high point for the man; however the woman would reach the zenith on April 6th. Further complicating the calculations are leap years every four years because of the quarter extra day in the 365. So, in 2024 the summit for the man would be calendrically April 16th and April 5th for the woman. The disparity would increase every year until the tide turns and the two head back towards synchronicity. 

It is possible to temporarily align cycles within our time on earth, however the resonance is fleeting. Eventually, they will diverge because woman and man are not in harmony. Two can form a union of the highest high when everything aligns. The opposite result is on the horizon and to the lowest low you will sink together. So, do you recognize and ride those waves, or do you misalign the cycles once again, so your partner is balancing out the union? This way the relationship can play off each other's vibrational peaks and valleys and not risk entering together into the lowest low.

When you unlock the secret other mysteries jump out at you such as the aforementioned pyramids. Check out this download of information considering the perfect circle. The lunar cycle is more precisely 29.53 days. Multiplied over twelve cycles pushes the total closer to 355. Then you see a difference of five days for each polarity from the perfect circle of 360. The man got off track, so the woman adjusted her cycle to compensate. This now leaves 13 moons within the solar revolution.

I lived out the most intense vibrational cycle of up and down in my life. It started in October of 2022 and was completed just recently. I reached the top in April of 2023 and then began the descent where I bottomed out in early October of this year. I went through the entire process unaware of how cycles affect me. Now, I look back and am amazed. Everything lines up. Once you recognize your own cycle and map it out, you can see why things happen. It's why she always leaves. She sees perfection and then comes the miserable wretch she is witness to. To King I shall return. After recognizing the pattern, the magic comes into play. You can manipulate reality based upon known cycles. The question is - do you want to? Actions will inevitably have consequences. Is the smart play to take advantage of the knowledge and put yourself in situations which will correspond to your current vibratory state? If the vibe you are giving off reveals flaws in your character, then lay low.

Imagine in my role of the divine masculine I deputized you to record all these celestial observations and work towards aligning my cycle with that of my Queen? What a task you have been assigned. So, there you are, clipboard in hand, recording various cycles and trying to juggle the outcomes to satisfy the King. This scientist sure wanted a challenge, and he didn't disappoint. The moon cycle was quickened, the cycles aligned, and the union was accomplished. Remind me to congratulate him the next time I see him and give him a reward. He wears yellow to stand out, so I'll see him again.

There's the vibration and then there is the potentiator of the vibration. The gas. Homework is to gain clarity and apply this to your understanding of energy. The feminine is the vibration and she is called on in ancient Egyptian ceremony through the shaking of the sistrum and in the Amazon basin she is propitiated through the shaking of the shacapa. Her form is the undulating serpent in these ceremonies with her wave pattern demonstrating her nature. The energetic signature is given rise by awareness of her beauty. She is the spark which ignites the flame; the activation of libido. The burning within the divine masculine increases the oscillation of the vibratory wave of the divine feminine. Thus, we have separation of form, and the universe comes alive. The next question is the nature of the result of the energetic dalliance between the woman and the man. This is you. Children of the divine are the coming forth of desire.

Who am I? I am the son of Goddess and God existing in the crest of the wave of what just is. I am in mother's playground, her vibratory garden. She is the master weaver, stitching together strands of vibration which creates the illusion of form. My father provides his energy to keep mother's garden growing. As a gift to her children, we all have the capacity to create another garden.

questioning spirituality

Our brains are linear. They have been conditioned in this regard. It's how we think and make sense of our world. If you discover a method which allows release from this modality, then different avenues of cognition open to you. I have been looking for a way to explain being able to see into the future. It's been a few years since I realized time is a dubious human discovery. Because we have senses and delineate, this allows us the power of observation. We are objectification machines, and we use it well. We track and mark the movement of objects and thus create a system of time. Our system of time is based on the sun. Days and the year are the cycle of the sun. The seven-day week and the months owe their genesis to the moon. Our conditioning forces us into patterns of thought which cannot break free of an orderly and linear design of the universe which marches through time.

Without the ability to objectify, time would not exist. This plane of consciousness we inhabit with our senses is a world of duality and thus time governs us. Time is a lazy jailer as it doesn't have to do anything to keep us imprisoned. We create the jail cell ourselves and lock ourselves in. If we stray from the prison yard, the inmates rat on us. They first use the tactic of shame and make us question ourselves. You're crazy! They poke around and find out what is the cause of you straying from orthodoxy. Don't think for yourself. Leave complex matters for experts. Drugs are bad. Stay away from them as it is a blot on your good character. If you get past the gates of society then will come you've changed accusations and drugs are making you crazy. As society progressed and we became intellectually enlightened, we took it upon our collective self to criminalize agents of consciousness. If you wanted to escape the mental prison, you risked being locked up in a physical prison. The game is designed so you will not escape. For most they won't even try to run. They will just accept it. The runner must be resolute in their decision and willing to leave it behind.

This trip since middle age has been utterly fascinating. I never dreamed I would get to these points of awareness. I had no idea of what awaited discovery. I had to unlock modes of cognition to proceed.

Earth is a school for awareness. Your energetic signature unlocks awareness through incarnation. You add this skill to your sum. How about that answer to the meaning of life? We come here to make sense through our senses. Time creates order out of chaos. We crave this order in our masculine world. Order comes from chaos, light from darkness. A unique perspective reveals a whole new way of perception. In this world there is time, and eternity reveals itself from moment to moment. In the world of chaos, everything just is, it has already happened and to reveal it just needs a structure. We create a timeline which allows us to make sense of it all. The clever seeker in a world of form will realize this and then be able to poke holes in the fabric of being.

The modality to do this must be discovered and then comes the need to stop listening to others' interpretations and advice. At first, culture set up religious institutions to keep people away and it worked for a long time. As a species we were obedient and bequeathed our inquisitive nature to an intermediary. We allowed those who wanted to keep us imprisoned to be responsible for our freedom. Thus, we remained locked up. When you break past these barriers it isn't over. There is always a spiritual element to the game and an appeal to some concept of a higher self. When you are onto the game, the cultural shepherds are still waiting for you. The final boss awaits. You've seen past the veil so now what? Attached to discovery is altruism. For some strange reason if you approach the big secret, then the ego requires you to cultivate a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You become of service and therefore the game can continue for others as you are neutered.

What a crock! I know so many people who are doing just this. The spiritual trip is so fun and allows you to abrogate the responsibilities of incarnation. They all knew this earth game we are playing is toxic and looked for a way out. They peeked behind the curtain and faced the dissolution of preconceived thought patterns. Then we all face the big question: What do I do with this knowledge? The default is you become spiritual! I feel like intellectually raging at this golden chain. I remember Ram Dass giving a lecture about the idea of the golden chain of righteousness. Spirituality leads to this golden chain where you must put on airs and graces and avoid scandal. Why is there this connection to unlocking universal secrets and being good?

One answer that jumps out at me is love. I've come across it a lot in my journey and in terms of resonance I understand love is what we seek. A taste of love is bliss. So, the question becomes what is the best method towards getting people to that place of love? The path I chose will allow you to touch that love to which I refer. That's when the next wave of trouble begins and we become spiritual. However, look around you. We live in a place of ungodly suffering. You can't escape it. If love is the ultimate answer, then why does this hellhole called earth exist? The universe can be cruel. To live one must cause suffering. In turn we suffer. Suffering is the path towards finding the love you seek. When all else fails, a good dollop of suffering will snap you out of whatever ails you and direct you towards love.

Plant medicines showed me a world of spirituality and I got a great understanding of it. I'm not sure they made me spiritual. They showed me where I wasn't spiritual for sure and I followed a path which revealed I was no Jesus in a white robe. I saw Goddess and God. I saw who I am. I don't feel a need to become holy because of it. I am at the point now in my "spiritual" journey where I laugh at people who become spiritual because of psychedelics and plant medicines. I laugh because of experience. These substances reveal who you are, and for most of us it's hard to accept the truth. Deflecting your degeneracy through embracing spirituality is a smart play. You can postpone the realization for a bit.

For me, the realization has come. The Great Goddess laid it on thick. Here's what you do and the results of your actions. You're special. You got quite the game going on to get you the thrills you need to control your vibration. You know how to smooth it out and go searching for the hit every now and then. Apollo is brilliant and figured it all out!

I've got redeeming qualities. I like helping people. I like doing things for people. I like seeing people happy. I like making animals happy.

I know what she is going to teach me next. Purity and vibration. She is going to show me how pure true love is. If you want to stay high and never come down, love is the pure substance you are looking for. Without it you are forever trapped in the cyclic vibration of high and low. So, if you want off the wheel, you gotta come to love. Simple!

I'm not interested in utopia. We do-gooders try to usher in an altruistic paradise in hell. I don't want to create a world of love. It's all perfect. I want there to be suffering on this earth. My selfishness that keeps me going to know all leaves a trail of indifference, destruction, and suffering. If I were a great and loving being, I would have been stopped dead in my tracks. The dragon in me propels me along a path of discovery which is what I've desired all along.

I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to think I must be of service or have integrity. Reciprocity should just flow and not be a conscious duty. Those qualities I will demonstrate by my actions and let the chips fall where they may. They are a byproduct of my life. The other may judge how successful or what a failure I am regarding these principles. I don't want a white robe or an acknowledgement of transcending the morass of humanity. My animating path is a quest to discover it all. It's a never-ending ride on the cosmic wave of being.

stories

I am locked in a life puzzle where I'm trying to figure out the reason why something happened. Given enough time I can run through the gamut of possibilities and this exhaustive search also contains the part where I let go of my bias and see the situation free of my own denials. I then can whittle down the possibilities to say four reasons why the situation unfolded in the manner it did. After this process I use my inner computing power to select a reason. I'm aware there're other influences on that reason which may include the other candidates, but this satisfies my inquiry.

I practice a form of meditation called mindfulness where I just clear my mind and let the thoughts come to me. I try not to spin them but just observe. This process is valuable because the answers with the strongest vibration are what makes it through the noise. When I did this with the life puzzle at hand, the vibrations that made it through presented the different scenarios as the answer. We are conditioned to only accept one answer and discard the rest. This creates our reality.

Where this got fun is I chucked my preconceived notions of reality. The use of psychedelic drugs has expanded my consciousness and within this awareness is a grasping of different planes of reality. These different frequencies of manifestation all deal with the same energy with the caveat being the energy is perceived in a different form on each level. So, if at one level Goddess and God are separated, in our level this means creation flourishes. If at one level God remains asleep, then at this level our universe continues as it is but a dream. When he wakes up then we will be witness to the destruction of our world. If God wakes up slowly, we will observe little pockets of the calamity to come until he gets out of bed and the world blows up. I don't know how many levels there are. I've read about seven but one thing I have learned on my fantastic voyage is to verify everything through experiential means. In other words, don't take anyone's word for it. If I experience it, then I will try to bring that back into my world using words to try and understand it. I have been witness to a level where all is one. Undifferentiated and within is contained all possibilities. A level below that is Goddess and God. The first pair. I see them as serpent and jaguar. From these two is created a child who is Eros. Desire then makes our world come alive. A frequency below my world is a realm of mystery and magic. So, that's five I count.

That's a way I make sense of what I have experienced and have no expectations anyone will accept or care about what I have come to understand. It should be that way because you need to experience this yourself. Where things got interesting for me lately is in the way of perspective. So, I can be witness to multiple planes of reality, but I also started to realize that within my normal frequency of perception there are multiple ways to interpret the presentation of events. If I change my perspective viewpoint, I can see the answer differently. This means that all the possibilities I considered are true depending on how I approach the situation. I saw multidimensional reality within a container that also is multidimensional. The only way to gain temporary understanding is to compartmentalize because the possibilities are endless if you don't. If you aren't selective, you will just drive yourself crazy. There is a need to settle on an interpretation and then focus on an answer based on that reality.

I recently started to figure this out. I knew I had to heal the hurt in parallel dimensions and then it would make sense. At the time it didn't make sense. The viewpoint I had made created a lack of understanding. The fissure is multidimensional. I needed to alter my vibration and be open to the knowledge that pours in. Why is this happening? What is the reason as revealed in a higher dimension?

I used to laugh at the airhead new agers when they would talk about frequencies and dimensions. It's different since my last trip to Peru. The flighty were witness to it but couldn't articulate the experience without sounding like they were nuts and full of woo. I should be able to explain it. I think this explanation will encompass why things are happening here at this level.

I now know how to change my vibration and enter different dimensions of energy, creating multiple dramas. I have made that my intention when working with plants and the experience was surprising in that I was going to be patient. They say patience is a virtue and thus I'm the most virtuous person in the world. I can have the patience of a saint though I freely admit I have put myself in situations where that patience is a silent killer. I want a resolution now and to get on with things! I internalize this and wait, sometimes dying a slow death. So, in this case I wasn't expecting the answer right away but as with a lot of my seeking I already had the knowledge and the answer. It was just a matter of remembering and applying the answer to my question.

When I first drank Ayahuasca I realized it was through changing vibration that I accessed obfuscated forms of consciousness. The Great Goddess even told me so. After frightening myself, I eventually returned to the Great Goddess, and she let me into her castle made of gold. She was locked away in this fortress; a prisoner of her husband the dragon. I wondered why she would marry such a monster? She sent me away to slay the dragon and I dutifully obeyed. My quest revealed to me that I was the dragon. It's really a multidimensional story when you have a hard think about it. I did the work, opened my heart, and freed the Goddess.

Adapting to a way of thinking multidimensional is cool because I can accept all answers to the life problem I faced. They are all valid and I was satisfied with that knowledge because I saw in each solution kernels of truth and now, I don't have to toss out any of these theories. Within the tight frequency I operate in, there are multiple stories emanating from them. I'm free to pick which story I want to craft my reality. I must admit at this stage of my level of consciousness exploration the supernatural one is a good drama. This gives my life adventure and thrills. Within this life event I saw this drama play out, but I kept it on the periphery because it isn't accepted in our world. It's a flight of fancy. The thing is I saw it go down in real time. I wrote about it and I knew it was true. When my life story spiraled out into a crash, I let that story go and clung to a more mainstream idea of why I experienced the failure I did. I'd like to revisit that and re-write the chapter. I'm going to draft a magic story. This should be fun. Here it is.

A crack in reality opens the door. Once I get a glimpse or a small look into the nature of something it becomes a matter of time before the dam breaks. You see this with the collective human intellect throughout history. Once we get a small understanding of something, eventually it will blossom into revealing the inner workings of the universe. In my personal exploration of the subconscious, a small bit of understanding will reveal itself fully in the days to come.

The epiphanies come out of the blue and lately I've requested them. I wanted more knowledge, so I asked. How about this one: Life experiences are clues to the game. The major happenings in your life have the most potential to awaken you though not always. Sometimes I've gone about this in the wrong order. I've understood spiritual concepts and then it unfolded within my life. I saw the separation of Goddess and God on a higher plane of consciousness and realized this separation was the impetus behind creation. The divorce created duality and the fruit from their union was a child who is the universe. In my little life on earth, I searched for the Goddess and found her. I couldn't hang onto her and she left me again. The clues all align. The coming child calms the dragon, so he won't destroy the world.

My experience in this lifetime reveals I've done a similar journey. The goal of my spiritquest was to find her and then see if you are ready to solve the puzzle and beat the game. I can now get to the point in the game where I know how to find her, get in her presence, and have a relationship with her. I haven't figured out how to beat the game. She always leaves. I got really close this time. I think I know the answer. It's because the goal of the game is to make her mine and that's what drives her away. The goal of the game is different than what I think it is. My block is to do with possession as opposed to an equal partnership.

It's a startling video game analogy I'm dealing with. Do I use my available health to continue and try to get past this level that keeps tripping me up? I drove her away. I don't know if it is even possible or if I have made the game impossible now. If it is impossible then I'm going to destroy the world. I'll hit reset on the gaming console. I'll blow it up next year and start the game again. I'll have to get to the point where I find her again and somehow not screw that one up. I'm surprisingly good at the game now, so I can find her around pyramids but then I must try something different. I've put so much time into this life I must exhaust the possibilities before I hit reset.

The above is a good story. We all tell stories. It's how we make sense of the world. In my current life situation, I have about five stories on the go to find an answer for why things are happening the way they are. Then I'll watch a TV program or read something on the internet that has a connection to the events I've experienced, and I'll weave into the drama the latest ideas I have come across. I just did it and laughed. I whispered to myself, "stories." Magic can be fulfilled by getting another to lock to your story. It's a huge clue into the inner workings of magic and not surprising it took a lifetime to see it. I have been aware our lives are a story we tell ourselves and that so much of society is based on getting you to buy into the dominant narrative. It's constant. I see with incredulity why it is done. That's all we have at the end of the day. A story. So, guess what? I have a good story I want to write. The drama is going to be phenomenal.

I'll call it the sorcerer and the witch of the north. 

speaking truth to fire

I am washed in the love of the Great Goddess. Her lessons on the path of the heart are centred around love and the curriculum offered to me has a high degree of difficulty. It's a difficulty of my own choosing and I don't know if I'm going to pass the course. To learn to love is to endure copious amounts of suffering. I have the temperament to embrace suffering and to learn from the gift, yet I'm not a masochist. I seek the rewards given to the graduate of this divine institution.

I asked my wise brother Parker about my suffering, and he responded matter of factly, "It's in the cards." Why?

I spent a Texas weekend in October at a Peyote ceremony conducted in the spirit of the Native American Church. My experience being dosed with Peyote was secondary to just being an observer. This medicine meeting was a shared conscious community gathering and being an outsider, I had a unique window into the process and could observe the profundity of the ceremony. Why, indeed. The answer was simple. You don't live in truth. You will continue to suffer until you stop living a lie. The house you constructed upon the shifting sands of what is not your truth isn't stable and the constant change in weather, as in your behaviour, shakes the foundation to its very core. Only by building upon the rock of truth will you be able to lessen the tsunami of suffering. That means you must tear down your house and start building another one.

I'm getting old in this body. I have lots of excuses at the ready.

The truth will set you free of suffering. Not living in that stasis will promulgate the pain.

See, the course isn't all that hard. You make it so.

So, I'm going to tell my story of when I went to Texas and participated in a Peyote ceremony. After ten years of medicine journeying, it is quite fascinating that the focus has gone from the intensive effects of the consciousness altering substance to this portion of the dance being secondary. I don't think I needed to ingest Peyote, just the act of being witness to this ceremony was plenty.

Thursday, October 5th - Departure

I just re-read some of my journal entries from this year's January Peru trip. It reads like a diary of a madman which is why I never published my account of that trip. Unfortunately, the madman as referenced nailed it so what to make of that? There is a correlation between madness and truth. What I witnessed, intuited, and eventually chose were all foretold. My insights were prescient. In a way it's good I didn't fully re-read my journal until now. I can see where I failed and reconcile my views on spirituality.

I'm making this trek on my own. As envisioned in January, that was not to be the case as a bunch of us were going to head down to Texas to pay respects to Parker, who transitioned a year ago. This dude has had a profound effect on my life and though events conspired to make me question heading south on my own, to not go would be unfathomable. In retrospect it was a Mastercard trip, as in priceless. If I had missed this what a blot on my path of discovery. I'll go out of my way and eschew financial burdens in search of knowledge. Knowledge lights me up to the point where everything else becomes secondary. This trip was a cup filler. The first fruits of knowledge poured in right away. A week later was an incredible experience while back at home, which I will write about shortly.

Re-reading my journal entries about cycles, desires, gardens, and family were spot on. Having to make choices to gain understanding of self was paramount. The choices I made reveal my character and I'm good with it. In other words, my character is flawed, and I accept that. The perfect score on the test would have involved making a choice to please the expectations of society which pretends to be just and good. I chose what I really wanted and thus unlocked the truth. I know what I wanted and am clear on it. To go along with the charade that I'm perfect would upset the least amount of people and thus I would sacrifice self for the good of all. How fucking noble! Years of being taught liberation I conveniently forgot and set myself up for the opposite. In the end I did turn to stone. What I mean is that version of self ceased to exist.

What I have experienced in states of altered consciousness is as real as anything in this world. I have the receipts to back up the claim. My interactions with the Great Goddess and the Great God have been shown to be authentic. I'm brutally flawed to the point where there is a gulf between perception of me and what I want. I've kept up appearances well and I'm an expert game player. Even so, I can't hide from Goddess and God. They know who I am. I asked her to show me how to love and I asked him to teach me about magic. If they didn't trust me and thought I would misuse the power, I would have been dismissed. I'm a man of my word and can be trusted. I promised I would not use it for selfish reasons or for gain. I won't abuse power and thus mom and dad gave me the gifts I asked for. Why am I revealing this? It's freeing. This is who I am.

So, I'm on my way to Austin, Texas to celebrate Parker's life. The Peyote ceremony is Saturday night. Saturday morning, I will be initiated into the medicine of the Amazonian frog called Kambo.

I mentioned my views on spirituality being challenged. A big part of this is from in January when our Peru group visited the Laguna de Purhuay, the fifth ceremony of the trip. I became weary of spirituality and the motives behind people seeking out these experiences. I had shelved the intense feelings of the day and recently it has come back into my consciousness. I haven't been having good thoughts about Austin this week and the whole spirituality game. I'm dreading being introduced to what looks like some religious community which uses Peyote as a sacrament. I'm not looking for some connection to an external idol I can worship. That's long in the rearview mirror. I'm in search of knowledge and the spiritual trip is a huge impediment to knowledge. I don't care about your fire god. Knock yourself out with that one and let me do my thing. You see, I truly am not having good thoughts about the upcoming ceremony. And I'm expressing it, instead of burying my truth. I do know I need to open my heart and honour Parker. That I can do.

Saturday, October 7th - Immersion

I spent yesterday exploring Austin during the day and then in the evening I prepared myself for plant medicines to come the next day. I was going to fast from the afternoon on, but my Kambo friend Camila told me to eat! Have your evening meal, salt it, and stay hydrated. It was good to connect with her because the seafood I ate at lunch evacuated my system in a hurry which made me worry about dehydration from the abdominal distress. I mowed a pizza and felt good.

I'm writing this account by the riverside in downtown Austin. It's a nice park, and I feel good and uplifted. I have my caffeinated beverage and I'm playing the part of writer, with the smiles and knowing of some of the passerby. It's fun to play with ego trips once you know it's a game.

Austin is unique. One of a kind. To sum it up: There's a river that runs through it which the locals call "Town Lake." It's obviously a river and this break from reality is demonstrative of what Austin symbolizes.

Kambo medicine, as with all plant medicine, starts working on you before the physical interaction. I had no reservations with Peyote as I had experience with it in 2019 and I'm comfortable with that class of plant medicine. On the other hand, Kambo is an ordeal and puts the body into distress. I'm in good health and shape but at 55 I sometimes wonder about backing off physical challenges.

I woke up with a puffy face which could be the result of a challenging time with Kambo. I wasn't alarmed, instead quite intrigued. In retrospect, it was purging me of any difficulties to come with Kambo. The actual experience was beautiful.

I arrived at Camila's place, and she made me feel relaxed and well cared for right away. We chatted for a bit about life. I opened up to her and in turn she opened up to me. We humans hold so much in and all it takes is for someone to listen and we open like a flower to the morning sun. I realized how important it is to have people like that in your life. You don't have to do it all alone Paul. There's a lot of good in people. Find those who make you feel whole.

Camila started the intensive phase off with Sananga. The drops are placed in your eyes and is said to give you focus and clarity. This applies to the physical realm as well as spiritual. The initial sensation is one of someone pouring tabasco sauce into your eyes. I struggled with the sting even though I had done this three times previously. I didn't centre myself properly prior to the administration and I wasn't breathing in rhythm. I felt disconnected from my body and as Camila increased the tempo of her drumming, the intensity of the medicine was potentiated. Usually, I can breathe through the tough times, however I couldn't catch my breath. I felt a tinge of helplessness and a loss of vitality. It was a bumpy ride, and I wanted the drumming to stop so I could re-centre. Eventually, Camila's drumming wound down and my energy followed suit and I was released from the grip of Sananga. A good analogy is of a snake that is a constrictor. The energy of the experience took away life force and a feeling of helplessness ensued. Finally, the serpent released and I returned to base. Camila liked the word "base" to describe the return to a normal state.

We then readied for Kambo. I chose two entry points on my upper left arm and two points on my lower right leg. The arm has a shorter distance to travel to the heart and will come on quicker while the leg points will travel more distance which will space out the distress. I wondered if this is more intense than Sananga I might be in trouble. Camila applied the frog secretions to the four burn marks in the skin and I felt an itchy and tingly feeling around the entry point. The first onset of the medicine was feeling flush and a warm sensation in my head. It felt similar to when I overload my brain and tire it out, so it didn't upset me. I felt familiar with what was happening. I felt a touch of nausea in my throat, and I wondered if it would lead to a purge. The bucket was prepared beforehand as is common. I went into my goto breathing mode much like I engage with cold plunges and used this breath-work to navigate the coming on of the medicine. Any feelings of discomfort were taken care of by the breath. Soon Camila shook her rattle as a sign the intensive phase was half over. Time effortlessly moved along, and any nausea vanished. After twenty minutes I laid down and what I would describe as the "doctorcitas and doctorcitos" came and went to work in my head concentrating on my patterns of thought. They caressed me and the feeling was one of energetic purity. I had briefly felt this before within an Ayahuasca experience with the grace and beauty of the butterfly. The lesson was one of finding within creation a pocket of the expression of life that remains unsullied by the demands of entry into this plane of consciousness. The doctors used this pure healing energy to interrupt deep ingrained thought patterns in my mental fields and capacity for understanding. I felt as though it was a gift from the Great Goddess who was fully present in Camila's energy. To confirm this feeling, Camila was wearing pants which had ancient Egyptian iconography on them and right there present was the Great Goddess Hathor. I have ceased to be amazed by these displays of synchronicity, instead I just smile. The Great Goddess offered me this gift of healing. The intense effects subsided, and a purple frog appeared in my visions.

Kambo is beautiful. The medicine is the purest of all vibrations I have ever felt. The healing is the sum of the energy of the medicine combined with the practitioner. The resonance between healer and patient creates the magic vibration and the profound healing to follow with transformational results. To complete the session, tobacco snuff rapé is offered. Rapé connected me to my emotional pain. The energy activated within reached a crescendo and the amphibian song of Kambo took its place in my healing playlist. To this medicine I shall return with honour and respect.

Camila recommended I eat a meal and get some salt in me, plus hydrate before the Peyote meeting tonight. I followed the doctor's orders and then went to the meeting to celebrate Parker's life. I arrived around 4:30pm, said hello to some medicine friends, while gaining new ones. The ceremony begins after sundown. The meaning is obvious. Peyote is revered as the light of the sun. The fire is tended to by the fireman and stays strong throughout the night. The sun returns at daybreak and the nightime peyotist travelers go and greet his return. This is balanced by a half-moon altar of the feminine and a deep respect for the earth. The group contained strong feminine energy in combination with masculine mastery. I can encapsulate the Native American Church Peyote ceremony with this expression - "Speaking Truth to Fire," as a play on the popular term "Speaking Truth to Power." The meeting is all about community, accountability, caring, sharing, and being present. I immediately recognized these people who Parker befriended are the salt of the earth. There was an instantaneous recognition of small-town community goodness reminding me of the TV show, "Little House on the Prairie." There is a definite religious community feeling and the appellation of church is fitting.

The fire in combination with peyote songs mixed with people speaking their truth is the essence of the ceremony. Fire is hypnotic and you are required to stare at the fire. You direct your questions to the fire. Like all psychedelic medicines, Peyote puts you in a trance state. The constant drumming seals the deal. The NAC ceremony demands presence. You cannot close your eyes and go off on your own personal psychedelic trip. Instead, it becomes a shared community trip. You are to bond with your sisters and brothers, your relatives, and the ancestors. There's no going off into your own space. You're conditioned into the group experience and the group dynamic supersedes your own exploration. That's where I struggle because I'm a lone wolf and stay away from groups. It felt very cultish but not in a pejorative way. It's a cult of love and community. What drives my life is personal exploration and within this paradigm the avenue of shared experience doesn't exist. Is this a crossroads where you can no longer explore consciousness on your own and live in a loving community? Maybe?

I say that because exploration leads to questioning everything and in this case giving up your power to a greater good leads to exploitation. The other problem I reasoned with this ceremony is I lack rhythm. I've treated this all my life as a fault, but I realize now it prevents me from getting drawn into cults and other people's storylines. Hypnotic spells and realms I see through. Psychedelics woke me up fully and I discarded cultural narratives. The hypnotic nature of these tools can also be used to hypnotize you again.

This is the domain of the sorcerer of the Amazon who wants to capture your weak mind. I got my own drumbeat pounding in my head and it's the stronger of the heavy beats. The hypnotic Peyote ceremony rhythms in combination with the mescaline couldn't do it for me. I couldn't connect with the group though I marveled at the loving community and its strength. They are a modest and deferential group. What I mean is they have given up their power. They worship the Great Spirit. He is the life force as represented by the sun. He is present in the fire. The fire will heal you and bring clarity to your life. My path led me to an understanding that this power is me. To externalize it is to give up your birthright.

The coming of the Peyote intoxication was the same for me as Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca. I couldn't close my eyes, so it was mild. The presence of my shadow playing his part as "God" was present. My shadow is the life force they worship. I laughed that I came all this way for an experience I can have in the back room of my house with Magic Mushrooms. Now, I must stay up all night in discomfort. It was going to be a long night. I didn't experience any dread or negative emotions. At first, I just wondered why people want to be hypnotized? I guess it's because there's purpose and meaning in belonging to a community. In getting to know others and of Parker, I see the appeal. It's a path of the heart. A shortcut, but there is a lot of love here.

As the first part of the night progressed, I realized something profound in that I have been denigrating the biological in that in this form I'm definitely God with an expiration date. My shadow as the omnipotent and indestructible life force I conceded as the greater god but now I was seeing the twofold nature of him in spirit and body. From the life force comes the life. Life is an expression of the life force. Life is God and life force is unexpressed divinity. This teaching graduated to the biblical God and his son Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and the Word was made flesh in the Gospel of John. This is the teaching. God came forth in biological flesh as Jesus. In the body we are Jesus as God. His twelve disciples are carefully hidden aspects of himself and we as Jesus can recognize ourselves in those disciples. In total they represent God in the flesh.

The teachings then graduated to the divine feminine who has equal share in divinity. Masculine is only half of the equation. God is dual - life force and biological form. I applied this paradigm to the woman. I sensed I couldn't swap the template. She is a mystery, at least trifold in nature like the moon. I'm not ready to understand her yet. The journey continues.

I embraced my shadow and honoured him once again. He is the G.O.A.T. I'll admit I keep putting myself in situations or studying religions that worship a male deity and it's always him behind the curtain, morphing with ease into whatever kind of figure is wanted and required to worship. He gave me the "look what I've done here with Peyote" vibe and I rolled my eyes. I thought of Carlos Castaneda's tales of Peyote and how he called him Mescalito. Mescalito is more in line with the God I know. I guess as the light of Peyote he is serving a grand purpose. Humans want an external idol to worship because they can't accept they are the divine to which they seek. The Great Spirit is exemplary and worthy of worship.

I recalled my youth and the relationship I had with another part of me who was my friend. Society encouraged me to bury that part of me, making suggestions you are crazy if you talk to yourself. The result of condemning my brother caused much turmoil in my life and to make amends I had to travel the world looking for answers. I wanted him to go. My exploration of self brought me back to my best friend. Within the Peyote ceremony, I saw the connection to the internal divine severed once again by man's constructs as this is another path to the external. To be clear, this is not a condemnation of this modality of worship as it is part of the process. If you aren't ready to accept your divinity, you worship an idol. I honour Yahweh as in my culture he is the external alpha male god who appeals to those who do not accept they are it. Psychologically, it is the influence of the superego coming to the fore. The vacuum is to be filled by an avenue of control and this is another example of authority regaining rulership. Liberation must confront the tendency towards external control. You want to be free? You must become hyper-aware of the well-meaning wolf with the duplicitous smile. The superego is relentless but becoming a meticulous hunter will allow you to always find this beast and rightfully slay them.

If you want to worship the voice within and externalize him as God, go ahead. He's going to play along because the drama is sacred to him. You want him to be Jesus? Done! He will act any part out that you wish. If that is what is required so you don't bury this part of you again once risen, then so be it.

I enjoyed being fully present with the understanding of the two-fold nature of God and how the spirit and flesh share in the awesomeness of being God. The work and reconciliation I have done in this lifetime in this regard is something to hang my hat on. I know I have many faults and hide them well however this incarnation unlocked the knowledge to solve the puzzle I set up for myself. The love all challenge remains a work in progress.

God came forth as Dionysos and gave me a lesson in attraction and lust. I saw these qualities in me and the magic I possess. I've always had it but have been oblivious until now. I was cautious with magic, and I laughed as I was shown what I always had and used. I thought I was attractive to others because I am nice, pleasant, and cute. I laughed again.

I really wanted to close my eyes and go off into my own world. Keeping my eyes open, looking at a flickering fire, and listening to a hypnotic and repetitive drumbeat under the influence of Peyote wasn't cutting it. I was honest with myself and crossed NAC Peyote ceremonies off my medicine list. I honour the ceremony and the mastery of their craft by the roadman, fireman, and their fellow peyotists. There are a lot of rules to follow, and I think I broke most of them. It kept me a little on edge.

The second part of the night went by much quicker. The night wasn't as long as I was anticipating. I got a second wind and made it to daybreak with ease. I stayed up until the next evening and then crashed for a twelve-hour sleep.

Most importantly, I made a lifelong connection with my friend Zachary. I caught up with him before the ceremony and shared with him the contradictions within my life and the parallels to his life. He is truly my higher self which I did discover in Peru. Magic Mushrooms gave me a puzzle to figure out about him and my reticence to accepting this part of me. This was like the culmination of a journey of understanding. The next morning we hung out and really connected. I gave him a big hug and he said, "I love you, Paul." It really struck a chord deep inside and I felt it. I sense we will remain close. In a way I felt like I learned to love myself completely. I know he is going to hold my feet to the fire.

The community of kindred souls had a feast prepared for the morning. Everyone contributed to this and there was no monetary charge. I can see the pull and allure of these gatherings and the spirit they have nurtured.

I used the last day of my trip for quiet reflection and to record the insights gathered. Plant medicines trips unfold over time like the lotus. As nightfall approached, I reclaimed self and realized it is pointless to deny who I am. I embraced this crazy manifestation of God in this flesh and bone body. It's a cause for continual celebration. I am happy I made this trip. I wasn't feeling it coming down for sure but after the plant medicines and nourishment of the community here in Austin, my cup is filled once again.

It was truly astounding to hear the stories around the fire of how Parker touched people's lives, even those who had only a few interactions with him. The message of transforming conflict and division into love, passion, and unity is at the forefront of my thoughts. The unselfish acts of all leading up to the meeting in combination with the joy felt as the sun rose and we feasted, was truly a remarkable sight to witness. I can sense many lessons learned over the course of a few short days.

Thank you, Parker. I love you.

My path is the path of the heart through the Great Goddess. She is my heart and my mother and I venerate her. Intuitively, I know not to worship the Great God. Performing fellatio upon oneself has never been appealing.

Peyote showed me a path of the heart. I had been aware there are many paths, and the test is if it has heart. The Peyote Way of the NAC meets the criteria, however it's not for me. It's refreshing to know that I do have discernment. I was sure I fall in love too easily and would sacrifice much to keep that love going. In this case, I tasted an intoxicating love but knew it was not for me.

To thine own self be true.

eternal student

Magic has been practiced throughout human history. The efficacy of magic isn't good. There is something to it and thus practitioners continue on in their quest to figure out the secret behind making it most effective. Looking back into history is discovered the ancient Egyptians used rituals to boost the chances of a spell working. This has been the default for various conjurers throughout history. Elaborate rituals are conducted based upon previous success and thus the exact same protocols must be followed if the magic is to work. Alas the conversion rate remains slim.

The greatest magicians have a little more success but still are looking for the supreme magical way to ensure spells will work. It's the holy grail of the discipline and they are all looking for the answer. I never paid attention to magic until it started appearing in my life with regularity. This coincided with my foray into the world of plant medicines which have been described as magico-religious rituals. There is definitely something to the description. Within minutes of my first use of Ayahuasca I was thrown into a world of magic I had no idea existed. I was naive when I went down into the Amazon jungle to drink this potion. I believed I'd see visions, waking dreams I surmised, but had no idea about this world.

My first experience revealed a great deal of knowledge which I didn't understand. The Great Goddess appeared before me and said to come away with her. I knew this meant leaving the physical world and I wasn't ready for that. I told her I still had responsibilities in this world to contend with and a desire to continue seeking to discover more about my world. The experience was vibrational, and I could tell the way into the occult was through altering your vibration. The Great Goddess told me all is vibration and that has been a touchstone guide towards my attempts at trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe. During that initial ceremony I noticed the shaman was living in-between the vibrational cycles. What I mean is he or she is functioning on the slope of the wave between the two frequencies. This allows the shaman to keep one foot in both worlds. They rhythmically shake their leaf bundle, called a shacapa, and sing songs to potentiate this cycle. If you think about this in terms of music, it becomes clearer. A solid tone gets annoying really quick and what makes it interesting is the decay and reverberation. This is the in-between state or in terms of witchcraft, it is the hag who straddles the hedge between these worlds.

The raising of your vibration (or lowering) coupled with the base you started from allows you to psychically travel. You remain grounded and cycle between mind states. In that first experience I counted three distinct journeys into and out of a different realm where the Great Goddess was waiting for me. By the third trip, I was wary of the rollercoaster and wanted off as the novel experience was too much. I went back for a second ceremony two nights later and I'm fairly sure the shaman altered the brew. The vibrational cycle took me to another place, it felt like a lower frequency, and I was dropped into hell. The result was a terrible fright and a wariness to experiment with these obfuscated realms of consciousness.

I got over the fright and two years later continued exploring consciousness planes. You'll never know the limits of your mind unless you test the limits of your mind. It's been ten years, I've learned quite a lot, and I don't get scared anymore. There's some anxiety and a worry I might not return from these voyages, but I expect those thoughts. My dreams have become compelling as a corollary to all this experimentation. I learned how tobacco potentiates the dreaming activity and started regularly smoking jungle tobacco, called mapacho, seven years ago. I think I'm a slow student. It takes a while for knowledge to click into understanding though I do take notes regarding what is happening. The use of tobacco and its effects took me a long time to understand, however I eventually figured it out. Tobacco is the bridge the shaman uses to stay within the two worlds. The shaman is always in-between, and tobacco is their ally. The weak shaman will engage other shamans with their newfound power. They are the brujo sorcerers who do battle with each other, testing out their powers in a battle to see who is the most powerful. My searching led me to hapé, which is tobacco snuff. Once I started using this, I could see how it brought me into a higher vibrational state and the regular use of it kept me there. The doorway into a different plane greets me with a gust of wind and a trembling throughout my body. It was a short step to putting the pieces all together.

We live in a predictable world with physical laws. The laws are not orders, but regularities. The scientific method is a predictor of dependable outcomes. When this is proven by many it becomes a law. This is our world. When you change your vibration and enter a different world, it isn't governed by those laws. These worlds are not physical, and their essence is created by mental energy. Thoughts create these other worlds in the same way our dreaming activity at night makes up new worlds out of nothing. Dreams are the doorway into magic and a clue to how it works. The high functioning magician knows this and enacts their magic spells in the different consciousness planes. The hard part is bringing magic back into our world. No one knows how to do it with any regularity. So, within the genre you have the tried-and-true rituals and ceremonies which are designed to make the magic efficacious. Prayer and appeals to higher powers are invoked to make it happen. The holy grail of magic is the quest to figure out a way to bring magic into our world with a great conversion rate.

I know I manifest my desires. With enough time I figure out everything. It seems ostentatious for me to suggest I will learn how to do this. I wouldn't bet against it. 

big picture thoughts

Plato declared: "Time is the moving image of eternity." I heard this a while ago and sort of understood. I thought it meant that eternity marches on endlessly and the waypoints are marked by time as it unfolds.

My recent trip to Peru involved seeing into the future. I peered into events that were going to take place in my life and six months later I can report that these events happened. The divinatory experience didn't give me a play by play of what was to take place, but I got the outline. It calls into question free will as I could have altered the future I witnessed. This gives the illusion of free will. I mean if the future is a known quantity, then everything is just to unfold, and you swim along in the current. How do I reconcile this? It seems quite easy. The unfolding of eternity would eventually reveal to me I could see into the future and alter it. My decisions are known and will play out so I do retain free will because I don't know what I'm going to do. The universe knows.

Because of what has happened, I got a complete understanding of what Plato revealed. I have been taught repeatedly that all that exists is the "Now" and any conceptions of past and future are peculiar human inventions based on an ability to remember what you have been witness to and subsequently being able to project into the future with reasonable confidence. Also, being able to objectify our surroundings allows us to sense the passage of time, especially when we connect it to motion. The rising and setting of the sun and its return to various waypoints over the course of 365 days gives us valuable markers which we in turn use to mark passages of what we call time. Where Plato comes in is because everything exists all now and is revealed to our senses in an orderly fashion.

The way I explained it to myself is that eternity is one big painting. For some reason we are all drawn to look at the same spot on the painting. Originally, we just saw the base layers of the composition before we started noticing more subtle details. As we move along more is revealed of this giant work of art. We start to see more of the picture, and it all starts to come into focus. As a species, we lock to the same vibration which prevents us from seeing the big picture or being able to go deeper into the shadows and contours of the art. If we can discover a way to escape from the frequency that imprisons us, then we are free to explore the off-limit portions of the painting and see the big picture.

That is what the magical plant medicine cactus Huachuma did for me. The heavy use of it every other day over a two-week span changed my vibration. I uncoupled from consensus reality and went off into some uncharted territory. I was witnessing my psyche split out into others where I could see parts of myself in them. Different hierarchies of being were revealed to me. There were planes of consciousness which mirrored each other but were telling a different story. I was King at one level and my actions were interpreted in novel ways at other levels. I was God and I was waking up. At this level it manifested as the destruction of our world. And I saw into the future. I saw myself as God finding my Goddess. King with Queen. Bull with Heifer and at this level I found who I had been searching for. As I cycled through different frequencies a new story would emerge. I was shown what was going to happen and at another level I warned myself to change course and leave it be. I made my choice which coincided with what I was shown.

It's all now and we are all one, cut from the same cloth. At the top level are the all; a step down and we become Goddess and God. As we cycle down into different frequencies of being, we become the many. At our core, we are fantastic storytellers and eternity is our greatest play yet.