tobacco healings

The last ceremony of my 2016 trip down into the Amazon jungle involved the inhalation of these seeds that were grounded up and snorted. This substance is called Vilca and it was the first time I had gone through this shamanic initiation. The lead up to the moment was pretty intense as the maestro don Howard makes you question your inner fortitude in addition to forcing you to look within for the necessary courage and bravery to undergo this rite of passage. The visionary chemical components of Vilca consist of two different compounds of the substance dimethyltryptamine as well as bufotenine, which as the Maestro cautioned, may make you feel like you are dying. This initial experience went pretty gentle on me. I floated up through the three shamanic worlds. In the middle world, don Howard was present sitting on a rock ledge waving to me. In the upper world, I looked up and saw a place populated by curanderos and curanderas. I asked my guide what was this place and was told this is where all the great healers reside waiting for their next opportunity to be of service. I was then told that was my destiny and I would accomplish my healing through the use of the jungle tobacco called Mapacho.

When I returned home that summer I reflected upon this visionary experience and concluded the Amazon basin definitely doesn’t need another shaman so I wondered what was meant by becoming a healer. During my work with Ayahuasca that particular trip I was shown I’m not ready yet. I had to complete my worldly obligations before taking up what was calling out to me. I knew there was a connection and I would be patient and just let it unfold.

My first exposure to Mapacho was in 2013. It was strong and pungent. I wasn’t a smoker and treated this jungle tobacco as a local curiosity. When I returned to the Amazon in 2015 at SpiritQuest, don Howard conducted a Mapacho ceremony the first full day at the Sanctuary and treated the tobacco with reverence and respect. He sent us off into the jungle to set our intentions for our coming cycle of work with Ayahuasca. I smoked a full puro for the first time and felt a calming peace envelop me along with light-headedness and slight nausea. During the Ayahuasca ceremonies I grew to dislike the smell of the tobacco spirit as the maloca filled up with its strong aroma due to the incessant smoking by the shamans. I did notice that the shamans used Mapacho to create a circuitous arkana around the physical space for protection. Don Rober personally blessed our crown chakras before each ceremony with smoke which is called a soplando while he continually puffed on Mapacho the whole ceremony. The next morning everyone would go for their flower bath and again don Rober would use tobacco to seal us up energetically. When people came to him intra-ceremony to receive personal healing, he would suck out their energetic blocks and then seal up the disturbance with the smoke of the tobacco. It was quite good theatre. I mean, I’m a western man so I looked upon this as some kind of performative placebo that may or may not help the patient. When we visited other tribes, don Rober would sometimes come along with his Mapacho in tow and offer healing through the blowing of smoke. I watched as he tended to a pregnant woman who was feeling abdominal discomfort, rub her side, and then blew the smoke on the energetic disturbance. How very odd yet intriguing.

In 2016 my relationship to Mapacho changed leading up to the Vilca ceremony. I watched don Howard, the wizard, control the smoke in a ceremony up on the star deck and I was enchanted. I imitated him and in doing so I smoked so much tobacco that night which in conjunction with the Huachuma we had drank earlier in the day sent me into an energetic frenzy. I had so much energy coursing through me that I was pinned to the ground. I pressed my lips to the earth to try and dissipate the energetic storm. The power was definitely off the charts. It all culminated that evening with the vision concerning healing with Mapacho. The trajectory of my life was inexorably altered on that day.

I brought home a bunch of Mapacho and after a month or so started to smoke them while observing and recording the experience. It was definitely a rush, an agitation of the central nervous system, and I could feel the activation and rising power within. I made a conscious effort to be respectful of the spirit and conducted a small ceremony with each puro smoked. I watched out for any signs of addiction or dependence. I felt none and learned respect was the key.

Presently, my daily routine consists of making time to be in communion with the spirit of Mapacho. Mapacho is my teacher and my ally back here at home. He helps me integrate all my experiences and teaches me to quiet the mind, open the heart, and let the knowledge come to me. He offers strength and protection to those who come with a respectful attitude. I’ve spent about five years now in a relationship with Mapacho and haven’t forgotten my vision of becoming a healer through the use of tobacco though I did lose track of time and should have realized the time suggested by my visions was drawing near.

In the western world the idea of healing through tobacco is preposterous. The first reaction of all who I mention my tobacco friend to generally consists of the question: “Aren’t you afraid of addiction and getting cancer?” Culture has put one over on us. It’s a really good study of how culture works in that we have been brainwashed to immediately correlate tobacco with cancer; cancer being pretty much the unhealthiest state the body can be in. The dissonance is incredible and there’s no way you can remain a pawn of culture and continue along this path. I constantly write in this blog space about liberation and freeing yourself from others and the stultifying effects of culture. Well, here you go. To become a healer who uses tobacco as the main source of providing the healing means releasing oneself from the bondage of his fellow man and the chains of culture.

The Covid-19 pandemic has been the impetus for finding within the strength to operate independent of society as much as possible. Peer pressure, coercion, expectations, disappointments, and judging minds all sneer at you as you walk free of their control. If this was a test, I aced it, and gave the middle finger to culture. I embodied the “you do you and I’ll do me” philosophy to a tee. I’m liberated! My mind is free and I’m a critical thinker.

I’m a mystic with a foot still in the word of logic and reason. I was researching the effects of Covid-19 on the body which led me to understanding the most harmful part of the disease is the body’s reaction to the invader. The virus is so pernicious that the immune system goes on high alert and releases a storm of killer cells called cytokines to fend off the pathogen. I suppose the immune system sees this potential grave threat and has to do whatever possible to rid the organism of the invader. The result is massive inflammation within the body which could cause damage to vital organs if the cytokine storm gets out of control.

https://www.oregonlive.com/coronavirus/2020/03/the-coronavirus-turns-deadly-when-it-leads-to-cytokine-storm-identifying-this-immune-response-is-key-to-patients-survival-report.html

While educating myself, I came across a study which curiously demonstrated that chronic smokers disproportionately were admitted to the hospital because of the symptoms of Covid-19. The first reaction would be of course they would be disproportionally affected because smoking damages the lungs and a respiratory illness would be trouble. However, the data showed the opposite. Way less smokers were being admitted than the general population. I researched further and found out that the drug found within tobacco with a bad name for its addictive qualities, nicotine, is responsible for this situation. The effects of nicotine within the body modulates the release of cytokines. I’m no scientist, so, it’s best I quote from studies concerning this finding:

Daily active smokers are infrequent among outpatients or hospitalized patients with COVID-19. Several arguments suggest that nicotine is responsible for this protective effect via the nicotinic acetylcholine receptor (nAChR). Nicotine may inhibit the penetration and spread of the virus and have a prophylactic effect in COVID-19 infection.

https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT04583410

Nicotine, an α7-nACh receptor agonist, may boost the cholinergic anti-inflammatory pathway and hinder the uncontrolled overproduction of pro-inflammatory cytokines triggered by the SARS-CoV-2 virus, which is understood to be the main pathway to poor outcomes and death in severe COVID-19.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33269148/

This led to discovering a similar situation during the outbreak in 2010 of the H1N1 flu virus:

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0086166

And to complete the descent into the rabbit hole of the protective qualities of tobacco, I found references to the prophylactic role tobacco played during the Black Plague that swept across Europe 600 years ago:

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2015/05/great-plague-london/

If I say to someone that nicotine will protect them from the serious effects of Covid-19, the immediate reaction is a smile, followed by a laugh, while waiting for me to finish the joke. This is a prime example of how culture and the repetition of cultural “truths” inculcate within a knee-jerk response to any information that leads to severe cognitive dissonance. The next utterance out of the mouth of someone who has been given this information is, “Well, so they don’t get Covid but instead get cancer. No thanks.” There it clearly is. Tobacco = cancer. How about a nicotine patch or nicotine chewing gum? Do we not want to save lives or are vaccines the only way? So we are told.

Puzzled but not surprised by the power inherent by constant repetition, I thought of IQ tests for some unknown reason. I remember writing them as a child and being presented an image and having to pick out from a series of following images which did not go with that image. For example, you are shown a firetruck and then four images such as a house on fire, a Dalmatian dog, a fire hydrant, and glass of milk. The house on fire and hydrant are correlative but it is culture that makes you connect the Dalmatian to the firetruck when this image and the milk should be valid answers. Culture told me the Dalmatian goes with the firetruck just as it tells me tobacco goes with cancer. Imagine from this simple example how those in charge of my education could program my mind and then leave me to live out my life within that state of mind. Part of the IQ test reveals your level of brainwashing. Too bad for them I woke up.

Mapacho contains up to 18% nicotine and no tar. Mapacho is a pretty harsh smoke and is near impossible to take into your lungs without a coughing fit. Commercial cigarettes contain just 1% nicotine and about 30% tar. The diseases caused by smoking are directly related to the effects of tar or the chemical additives within western brand cigarettes. The additives are used to make the effects of nicotine more addictive and to take away the harshness of smoking so the consumer can pull the smoke into the lungs and increase the absorption and rewards. Adding ammonia to the leaf during the tobacco manufacturing process makes the experience smooth however burning ammonia with nicotine creates a chemical reaction that results in free-base nicotine which gets to the brain in a hurry and makes it highly addictive. These tobacco companies also add sugars into cigarettes which also leads to a less irritating smoke. However, when these sugars are burned they create toxic compounds called aldehydes which cause heart and lung diseases and cancers of the lung and bladder.

My intuition is on high-alert and the connection between my life, my visions, the pandemic, and the role nicotine can play in protecting and healing us from these pathogens is clear. I’d go far as saying the relationship of humans to tobacco is symbiotic and we threw it all away on the all too familiar altar of power. The pursuit of power by using tobacco for gain turned a great healing agent of humanity into a killer. How sad.

I sometimes ask Pachamama how can I be of service? How can I help? The answer seems pretty clear and has been laid out for me. I need to educate myself further concerning Mapacho and learn as much as I can about the plant. I’ll bring Mapacho back into my world as an ambassador for pure Mapacho tobacco armed with knowledge and an inner knowing of my relationship with the spirit of the plant.

tell the truth

Life is one big game of obfuscation and denial, creating a story and character in order to deflect the prying eyes of the judge we all contain within us and externally manifest as culture. Our story hides us from our truth. The judges within society want to see behind the curtain to determine what makes me tick however it’s the same thing that makes them tick. They just live in denial and also have created a persona to bury their lusts, though eventually all comes up to the surface and desires have to be met. Why would I be different? I want to go to church so I can sit there and laugh. Look at all the phony holy and righteous. Wow. What did you do in your life that you aren’t so proud of? So much so, you think you needed to be saved. Why not admit you’re a scoundrel? We all are potential reprobates. If we lay those cards on the table at the beginning of the game then we’d understand each other better and we could get down to creating way more pleasure than the pain we materialize.

My plant medicine journeys definitely have revealed to me the casino nature of life and how this is the big game of chance, skill, and rewards. I had no idea what I was seeing during an early vision of the hypnotic nature of existence and I still find it very mysterious however when I sank down into my depths I remember seeing spinning representations of the four suits in a deck of cards. Everything was hypnotic, sketchy, and there was a definite unease running through the experience. I ended up in the lair of a demon who proceeded to scare the shit out of me and I ran. I didn’t even know where I was running to but just had to do the flight thing because fight was definitely not in the cards. The rest of the night was a thorough beatdown, drumming into me what a degenerate I was and how I played the game well and kept all my carnal lusts and desires hidden. One day, all my secrets would be revealed and being a libertine, I’m destined to die miserable and alone.

We all do the dance, so, it’s not like I’m someone special in that regard and the script is probably interchangeable. It was only when I learned to tell the truth that I was able to reconcile my perceived deviancy. The best advice I have ever received in this regard came from Ram Dass via his guru Maharaji: “Love all and tell the truth.” Loving all enables within the power of love and allows you to understand the enormous power that is within your form. You have no idea of your personal power however there are two relatively easy paths towards feeling that power within and love is one of them. I invite you to love all and experience it, even if temporary. Telling the truth allows you to drop the narrative of self. There is only so far you can get on the spiritual path without embracing truth. The story you tell about yourself in essence strips away the omnipotent power within and you can’t see it because you sacrificed it to play a character. When you start practicing telling the truth, doors to the unknown become unlocked and knowledge is exponentially increased. The astute adherent then has an easy time understanding the knowledge. It’s pretty awesome. I won’t give the show away but instead point you towards these words of advice to love all and tell the truth.

To successfully embark upon the path of liberation requires one to tell the truth. The truth about how you feel and the truth about yourself. Your feelings are never wrong; they may be morally or culturally deviant however it is an accurate barometer of self. The flip side is feelings can be manipulated by culture and others so thus the need for liberation in order to re-discover self. When one hears of someone going on a journey to find themselves this is essentially what they are trying to get at. We tell little stories, which are fancy lies, about ourselves all the time in order to fit in and be consistent. We allow others to control our narrative and we are expected to conform to their expectations. If we do not play along or slip up we are said to be acting out of character. In some instances, one is sent away for psychiatric help or counselling in order to return them to the performance that everyone can count on. That actor is a stooge in someone else’s play. The drama and your part is being written for you. How about you become the writer, director, and actor of your own play? That’s where liberation comes in.

To fully go into the path of liberation involves embracing duality. Embracing duality allows you to separate yourself from others, culture, and the stories you tell about yourself. The separation allows you to live in truth which in turn allows you to sit with who you are. Seeing everything as separate allows you to objectify all. Everyone is an independent being, including the trees and animals. From this state of seeing everything as separate you can then start to let it go one by one. This is where the love of the Goddess comes in and you start the process of tempering your newfound liberation with love which will pull you back towards unity. Instead of dutifully repeating the grand spiritual narrative of oneness, you start from the beginning and see we are all connected which naturally leads to duality falling away. You have liberated yourself and realized in truth everyone you see is you. At first, it’s quite the paradox, however, it is a necessary exercise in order to get to the crux of the mystery.

Do it, go full on into the right-hand path of the individual to the point of pathology where you are so involved in the separation and delineation of self you shine the brightest light possible upon your existence. The self you define splinters and becomes many selves. In fact, we already know we have many iterations of self that we subdivide into our personality traits. Overdose on self! Then you will see the transitory nature of the character you play. The character is real but is ever changing and thus cannot be defined. The only definition I’m sure of regarding form is the verb transformation which means change. It’s what we do. It’s so curious that the form provided by the Goddess is constantly changing in order to stay biologically alive. The pulse of energy is decelerated by the love of the feminine into form and while in form the masculine power creates ego because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I want to be in a unified form yet also be separate and free! So, the answer is to first go all the way and become free and from the position of liberation invite back in unity and temper your freedom with love.

Liberation is the first step, not love. Free yourself before learning to love. Going into love as the first step prevents you from discovering just whom you really are. Seeking liberation eventually allows you to see you are inseparable from everything and this mystery is the flow of the eternal energy of the divine feminine and masculine coming forth. Liberation will lead to a unity that is tempered by the love of the Goddess.

Going into love as the first step on the spiritual path will suck you into a vortex you will never escape. Liberation will allow you to see those who will suck you in. This is because you want to see the good in others and blinders have been placed on your early warning system. There are many on the path who present themselves as wanting to help and will offer to teach. They will invite you into their world. They are magicians. You can only see it if you are liberated. Following your heart will lead you to these people who weave magic spells and will collect you as a follower. So many are easily seduced and it’s usually pretty benign. Most shamans fall into this category of being a magician as they are creating an aura and persona that is designed to collect you as a follower to which at some point they will take advantage of that relationship. It’s the tried and true human behaviour which has been going on for centuries. A good example of this collecting behaviour is social media. It’s a hangout for magicians who are weaving spells through their words and pictures trying to invite you into their world to become a follower. There’s a hit of egoistic pleasure and power that us humans get from acquiring views, followers, positive comments - negative comments are not welcome as they could break the spell. In essence, it’s all a con. It’s the same behaviour on the spiritual path, whether you choose plant medicines, a religion, a discipline, or a guru and I’d estimate the majority of people you run into playing the part of spiritual guide are doing just this. It’s inviting to try out this method of enchantment if you know you have the power. The spiritual novices are lost and bewildered and when initially taking up the path they are looking for help and a teacher to look up to. For the spiritual magician, it's easy to exchange knowledge for prestige and be placed on a pedestal which leads to the seeker being seduced into becoming a follower. It’s something to look out for when at first you follow your heart because it’s so easy to be trapped on the spiritual path by someone, as you naturally want to trust and find the good in people. The spiritual path draws only good people, right?

So, what I’m saying is the first stop on the spiritual path is liberation. Free yourself from culture and others. Get in touch with yourself because within you will find all the answers you are looking for. I know that is cliché where you always look externally for answers first before exhausting that path and finding all you need was within. However, it’s true! Looking externally finds religion, spiritual paths, history, and myth which is useful however eventually you go full circle and see it’s all within.

I can tell you to first become liberated but no one will take me up on that advice. You're going to go to others and have them solve your problems for you. Looking within is where you are going to end up and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy if you liberate yourself and glimpse at the answers waiting for you.

There are two plant medicines that are really good at helping you discover the power that is within you when you are ready. For a full-on immersion there is nothing like Huachuma. For the seeker with an intention, Huachuma unleashes the power within and you will vibrate with an intense power. At first, it’s quite unnerving to discover this however when you later examine the process you see you have buried within this immense power. If you stay on that path of discovery you will come to intimately know the power and realize it emanates from you and not someone else, not from the cactus, or from some other external source. From a physical standpoint it is such a great teaching, as you physically realize the great power you hold that has been buried within you for so long is now liberated. A subtler take on this experience of power is with Mapacho. While out in nature with the tobacco maestro, a smoke will cause central nervous system agitation. You will feel within the rising power. It’s a good way to integrate a Huachuma experience as it allows access to the power felt with Huachuma but at a level that allows you to process the experience and connect the dots. Those two plant medicines really help with the path of liberation because once you know of the power within you do not need to look externally for answers or give away your personal power to anyone else.

In my experience, I was lucky to meet the maestro don Howard and make no mistake he was a magician. If you ever saw him in a Huachuma ceremony he would blow you away with his mastery. It would be pretty easy to become enchanted by him but he maintained a hands-off approach where he’d teach and send you on your way. I went on my way and tried to maintain contact. Once in a while, you’d get a response but for the most part you were dropped in the deep end of the pool and had to figure out how to swim. It was a healthy distance to prevent dependence. Deep within, I knew it was the way, as he is getting you to internally look for answers. Upon returning to his place, there would be a two-week intensive and off you go. He didn’t want to collect you and if you wished to return he was very grateful but no pressure. I was fortunate because I didn’t get sucked into any enchantment or devotion to any place.

Once you are free from culture and the spells others are trying to put on you, life and games we play become quite funny. You stand back and see what others are doing and you want to caution people. You listen to others but don’t fall for their outreach. Live your own life. Being liberated allows you to open your heart and have love and compassion for all without getting trapped in others' drama or be sucked in by the enchanter trying to draw you into their story and collect you. 

remnants of the mystery

The mystery further unravels. First, I had to discover and uncover the power within. Feeling that power for the first time is a rush and since you have no idea what it is, it’s pretty unnerving and you want it to stop. Personally, new experiences are pretty daunting and I usually fail them with aplomb and need time to figure them out. This template was active for my work with plant medicines. At first, they scared the hell out of me and sent me running for cover. However, they were intriguing enough that I came back to explore. This perseverance amounts to the best decision I have ever made. Since I kept at it, the modus operandi of my life predicted I’d figure them out and if I kept at it long enough I’d master the process. I’m not there yet but I see it’s attainable.

You can do physical exercises to rouse and move the energy around. In the end, it isn’t transformational. What is transformational is realizing how to naturally generate the power without tricks of posture. If you wish to open your heart chakra then love everyone. It really is that simple. I’ll repeat: If you wish to experience love energy which radiates from the chest then love all. Just like if you want to feel sexual energy go look at porn. It generates energy for sure. If you are unsure about what I’m referring to, start with sexual energy, as it is the easiest to unlock in order to understand the power that resides within you. Essentially, the energy centres designated as chakras are letting you know of all the available power within, not just the titillating and dirty power! Once the connection is understood, you can start making changes in your behaviour that will unlock each and every power centre. Tell the truth! The throat chakra will pulse with a renewed vigour as telling the truth sets you free and unlocks the rest of the story once you give up the limiting narrative which gives your power away. I am reminded about a story Ram Dass tells when he asks his guru how to get enlightened, expecting a detailed plan to achieve his goal. Maharaji simply told him, “Love all and tell the truth.” Imagine that! Imagine being given that instruction and being bewildered. What? I’m to get enlightened by loving all and telling the truth? Later on in life after this simple teaching, Ram Dass started the Love Serve Remember foundation. Each of those core principles will potentiate chakra energy and lead to unlocking the energetic potential within our sacred vessels. The love will radiate. Through service we will forgo the personal power to control found in the blossoming of the third chakra, and by remembering we will remember Goddess and God and direct our passionate energy towards union with the divine.

So, what have I figured out since I’ve done my fair share of exploring via plant medicines? The power within that’s activated by the reconciliation of the feminine and masculine powers. When you bring them together it lights your being up with power; it rises and there are options of how you wish to channel the energy. I can activate the power with the tobacco maestro Mapacho, potentiate it at my Mesa, and subsequently the union rises up within me.

So, what’s the big deal? It’s the evolution of consciousness; the forging together of this power with consciousness and the next stop on the evolutionary ladder is a multi-dimensional being made of the love of the feminine and powered by the ever-transforming light of the masculine. The two powers as separate need each other or they remain potential. The love of the feminine creates form however she will lapse into smothering and darkness without the masculine. The light of the masculine separates and brings the universe to life however this power will become destructive if not tempered by the love of the feminine. When the two powers combine and are reconciled into the centre then the power rises on up through you and you blast off; greater than the gods as you are the child of the two greater powers and you become free as a bird while riding the wind like a butterfly.

Ancient civilizations taught this to their adherents however we have lost their knowledge. The remnants of the mystery remain somewhat in Hindu chakra practices with the propitiating of the feminine Kundalini serpent by the masculine power. She ascends through the seven energy centres within the body before exiting through the crown chakra into the astral plane. Faints echoes exist in ancient Egypt where we have records of night time dancing, singing, drumming, and intoxicants used to gain favour with the serpent Goddess Wadjet, who was a representation of the Great Goddess Hathor, at her temple in Dendera. She was exhorted to come forth and rise; enlivening and renewing life in all she touched. A representation of this process is also found in the pre-Columbian civilization at Chavín de Huántar where the Lanzón acted as the axis mundi in the centre of centres. The Andes mountains valley plain of Chavín comes from the Quechua word chaupin which refers to the centre from chaupi which is the heart space much like in the chakra system the mid-point of the energetic journey, both acceleration and deceleration, is found in the heart chakra. The stone idol is made of the feminine serpent form and powered by the masculine jaguar energy. This strange artistic creation is the pure genius of a civilization that successfully depicted non-duality in stone in contrast to the Hindu non-dualists who were able to articulate in their language this concept. The reconciliation of the opposite powers is found in the centre and from this undifferentiated form projects out into the universe the multitude of objects that are differentiated by the light of the rising power. The combination of rising energy and consciousness leads to the metaphor of the liberated eagle flying free in the heavens as a representation of the process of the evolution of consciousness. It is a reconciliation of the opposites of feminine and masculine, ignited with the rising power. The final stage of the journey culminating in blasting off into a heavenly realm with extremely limited access. At the ancient site of Chavín, the catalysts for accomplishing this journey were the plant medicines Huachuma and Vilca in combination with the practice of the Mesa. The Mesa exoterically presents to you the reconciliation of the opposite powers of feminine and masculine, life and death, light and dark, upper and lower worlds, water and sky, and brings them all into the centre in the middle world where we are now. Esoterically, the practitioner of the Mesa channels the power coming forth from this construct into their being as an accelerant for the journey ahead. The plant medicine Huachuma activates the power within and additionally floods you with sensations of love. The plant medicine Vilca is the final step; a nitro boost that takes you the last step beyond the body for a glimpse of your destiny.

I’ve been there and have put two and two together. I invite you to explore with me. 

going within

Here’s a puzzling thought: What is meant by going within? In spiritual circles, this is a popular phrase as you are told to go within to find answers. Going within is all you need to do as your inner guides will reveal all to you. I tend to examine everything and this unchallenged staple of the spiritual journey had slipped through the cracks up until now when finally, I questioned it.

It is undeniably true. Going within is all you need to do. You contain everything within your being and accessing that knowledge will give you all the answers you seek. Looking externally for answers will eventually lead you astray and convert you into a follower of someone else’s beliefs. They become the shepherd and you’re the sheep. They’ll physically feed and take care of you and also provide you the spiritual nourishment you desire however you give them your wool and are never free. Some external teachers wish to perpetuate you spinning your wheels on the treadmill in order to keep you as a follower. A good one will let you go and be free. An exceptional teacher will point the way to the methods to help you look within.

If you are looking for a teacher, the best ones are dead. They have no need to make a living and thus their teachings are truly free. They are not trying to hook you in any way; sure, they’ll be some trying to speak in their name and capitalize on their wisdom but you’ll easily see through it. There are many great sages throughout history that have left their legacy in print and even some lectures of infinitesimal value are available on YouTube. They will provide you with the knowledge you seek and point the way but ultimately it is you and only you that needs to go within and find your truth free of external pressures.

Okay, so, what is meant by going within? How do I get there? There are a number of methods. There’re methods for the methodical among us as well as practices for those who need to work at it in order for the discipline to project an air of validity. And there are methods that will take you immediately to the source but at the risk of blowing out the game for the naive and unprepared. So, first of all what we have is meditation and breath-work. These methods are a slower physical means of going within with the added bonus it you succeed in developing them as a tool in your spiritual utility belt you can lord it over other because your method is the purest. One-upmanship still thrives, even in the spiritual game! Putting that bullshit aside, meditation will allow you to quiet the mind and enter into a state where you are one with the god within. When you’re quiet, they speak. Breath-work will do similar in that you exhaust the mind and enter into a state of being the observer and listener. Yoga and chanting are similar methods, all with the goal of exhausting physical and mental components of self so you can sit and listen. The hypnotic beat of a drum or quick repetitive movements in ecstatic dance will also alter your consciousness. A plant medicine that will quicken this process but not overwhelm your senses is the tobacco maestro Mapacho. A smoke out in the woods will bring on a quieting of the mind and a sharpening of the senses, including the hidden sense of the teachers within.

The quick way into the inner sanctum is attained through the use of psychedelics. To the unprepared, they have the potential to result in what is called a bad trip and may scare you away from exploring deeper with this tool. Even for the prepared, the experience can be overwhelming. It can be thought of as a shortcut however there is a need to learn to work with these agents of consciousness in order to reap the benefits and like any other spiritual tool, that takes time. I look back on my early forays into the unknown with consciousness altering plant medicines as being unprepared and unaware of what I was experiencing. However, I did write down as much as I could about what I directly experienced and in hindsight so much has been revealed once I gained understanding years later, including the threads of a narrative of my own personal hero’s journey. I now see with clarity that what is within is everything and everything is who I am. This has been an eight-year journey up to now and continues to unfold. Psychedelics are indeed the quick way into the inner chamber but the length of time needed to understand what you experience is probably the same as the other methods.

So, what is meant by within? Within is the hidden dimension that is off-limits to your everyday consciousness that is enabled by your physical sense perceptions. To go within requires activating another sense perception we all have but have forgotten about. This is what the methods are doing - they bypass the blocks that obfuscate another way to perceive consciousness. Access is attained through mastering vibration. It’s simpler than you realize but you’ll need the key. This is a huge topic to cover so I’ll just leave it at that in order to pique your interest. As we become more rational and logical as a species this sense falls further away and it becomes even harder to reclaim the mystical. Culture also enforces the prohibition against the occult. I would hazard to guess that in the ancient world it was a great deal easier to access this realm. Now, you need to be a devoted practitioner with a method or take a strong dose of a psychedelic in order to enter through the archway.

In order to master our physical world, we sold out to our physical senses with the result all the modern human is left with is the rational. The last hold of religion is a few generations away from becoming a curiosity of our irrational past. We still manifest the right-brained creative side within humanity however it plays within structure. Palatable music is composition that conforms to expectation as deviancy just doesn’t sound right. We sold our soul and sacrificed it on the altar of progress. We lost the path of the troubadour heart in order to follow the light of reason. It’s hardly surprising that when we change consciousness we access this lost frequency. I would expect the same if we entered into a dream world where within the fluid dream the alteration of consciousness just ever so slightly would slip us back into a rational frequency, much like what we lock to today.

We usually do not give our sense perceptions a second thought and thus take them for granted. Our sense perceptions create our experience of life. Senses are what define our world, give definition to the energetic storm around us, and bring the world to life. Can we as humans evolve our senses or return to what was lost? In other words, can we reclaim occluded methods of sensing what is around us? The short answer is yes and the ability to make it happen exists all around us.

If we do sense the paranormal or the non-ordinary, what is our first response? It’s fear. As a child, the thought of ghosts was frightening however non-rational it may well be. Using psychedelics always brings with it a touch of fear even for the seasoned practitioner. It’s because of the unknown and having to give up control. The inner adventure tinged with a little bit of anxiety to make for a good game.

I might be getting predictable but the perceptive among us can see where this line of thinking is leading towards discussing. I’m referencing psychedelics because I have finally understood a large part of the experience. At first, I was scared and curious. I returned to their use because I was intrigued with the potential. I knew of the available knowledge of self and of my world contained within which could be revealed in the experience and this curiosity allowed me to develop strategies to deal with the fear. For the last eight years, I have been exploring consciousness about once a year during a cycle of work. Mind altering and expanding substances are agents of consciousness which allow you to “see” what you normally do not perceive. We classify them as hallucinations because it is something we don’t experience in everyday waking consciousness. It’s much more than visions as patterns of behaviour are confronted, ideas are explored, there's a dose of love and fear, and trauma and relationships are reconciled.

It is true psychedelics are a way into the occult. Because of culture, what I just wrote probably gave you some trepidation. We are supposed to stay away from the hidden and for good reason. The Devil hangs out in that world, along with a host of other demons, plus things that go bump in the night. It’s all part of the incredible knowledge available to you and all play their respective part in the drama. This is what makes this experience beyond any journey you can take in the physical world. My journey has been the most incredible arcing storyline, full of twists and turns, leading towards the climax where I discover I’m the actor, writer, and director of my own grand adventure.

Not all psychedelics are the same. Some are visionary, some are active teachers, some can be both, some potentiate the energy within so you can experience the power you possess, and some can make you delirious. What I’m getting at is there’re a lot of planes of consciousness and senses to explore. Our normal senses are attuned to the physical world, allowing us to perceive a world governed by the laws of physics and thus maintain some kind of control over our surroundings. Psychedelics allow for another human sense perception. The non-ordinary world accessed by various methods of changing consciousness is unpredictable. It can’t be reliably measured though there are some scientists trying to map it out. You can peer into an obfuscated world of knowledge and intrigue but you can’t stay. The enduring charm of within remains because of its mystical nature. 

Exploration awaits the intrepid hero. I wouldn’t trade the key to unlock the doors of perception for the world as this inquiry is what gives me that needed boost to my human condition knowing I’m not just putting in time. There is so much to explore and it really is what lights me up. 

numbering

The re-thinking of numbers: I propose a new structure based upon the dichotomy of non-duality and duality. Numbers are avatars of dualism. Even the number 1 implies the presence of the dual. Sages of yesteryear struggled with this question and came up with the concept of non-duality that denied the inherent dualism in any concept that promulgated the one. They said just drop the idea of one and think of non-duality as void and non-divisible.

There is frustration in expressing non-dualism in a dualistic paradigm. It’s quite the puzzle.

Personally, I think the spiritual masters of the pre-Columbian civilization of Chavín de Huantar got it right. This civilization flourished in the 1st century BCE. The stone idol at the location of the axis mundi in the valley plain is such an attempt at depicting the inherent non-divisible component of the universe. Creation is an unbroken thread that if followed reveals we are all of the same source, all the way back to the big bang; never was that connection broken and never did we become separate and the many. We just think we are.

The smiling jaguar at Chavín was given the moniker “el Lanzón" by Spanish archaeologists who re-discovered the stone idol. The name in Spanish means a lance though the shape resembles a highland plough more than it does a spear. What is important about the location of the idol is it is in the centre of what was considered the centre of the Chavín civilization. All who would pass through the region would be directed to come through the axis mundi at Chavín, thus exposing all surrounding cultures to its community and ideals.

If you look at what these Andean shamanic masters created it will confound and confuse you. You will see forms within the artistry but they are not delineated, as our minds prefer. Instead, form is hinted at through contour rivalry, which is an artistic technique used to create more than one possible interpretation of an image. Your perspective determines what form you decide emerges from the art. To go even a step further, the perspective that affects your rendition of the god is both physical and mental. This is magic and beautiful chaos. Transformation depicted within stone. Incredible! The art form of Chavín is a high achievement of humankind, so much so it remains hidden to most until you live the life the sacrament of the culture prescribes to you. What was the sacrament? The sacrament was the plant medicine cactus Huachuma and in the set and setting of the confluence of energetic elements at the temple grounds it opens the heart and allows you to experience the cosmic love of the universe and within your heart the unity of all. The stone idol subsequently reveals its secret to the initiate. You see symmetry within the stone idol and notice the left-hand points downwards to the feminine terrestrial and the right-hand upwards to the masculine celestial thus revealing an association with duality coming forth from the perfect balance achieved at Chavín. You see the stone idol representing all. The god is masculine and feminine. Eventually, you may let go of the self and see yourself in the labyrinth at Chavín. A pilgrimage many years in the making, the sacredness of what was created long lost however it was not lost on this lonely wayfarer.

So, getting back to the number system, I propose an order of 0,2,1 in order to try and represent and reflect the paradigm of non-dualism within a dualistic construct. 0 is the non-divisible void. Have you ever tried to divide by zero? You get an error and your computer code stops. The first step into duality involves the binary as represented by the number two. It’s what makes our universe perceptually come alive. Subject and object. Without two, our senses are useless, therefore 2 comes after 0. From the two comes the 1. Mom and Dad, the two, create one. In duality, one is also three - Mom, Dad, and me, and makes the many because to get one you need two. So, to recap, we could now number our construct thus:

0,2,1/3

One and three being essentially the same.

I write this blog post as a warning to stay away from plant medicines which many enforcers of culture will flat out call drugs. Psychedelic drugs are bad. They will destroy your mind. I am exhibit ‘A’. 

transformation via harassment

I now realize why the master teacher, after giving me a thorough beat down upon my first meeting with him, chased me home and continued to harass me. At the time, I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, however, he kept coming for me in thoughts, dreams, and synchronicities. So much so, I suffered two panic attacks and had to develop strategies to maintain my sanity and keep him away.

When you are ready to become the hero of your journey and transform, the path appears and events start to line up for you. In this incarnation, I put it off until middle age and then started studying in earnest. I discovered the Goddess in Egypt and the ball was rolling as she guided me down into the jungle. I get the feeling I have travelled this far along the path in previous incarnations but have never vanquished the dragon. It’s always game over at this point. As an aside, video games are a sub-conscious attempt to reconcile this failure but that’s a story for another time. The Goddess knew of this outcome, cautioned me, and gave me a way out. However, I knew I had to do it.

The quick backstory is I went down into the Amazon jungle eight years ago at the behest of the Great Goddess to come into contact with her through altering my consciousness in a shamanic ritual. As a corollary to that meeting, I wanted to confront the darkness within that I couldn’t shake in my journey to become super-holy. I was the hero on a journey of knowledge and self-discovery. Little did I know, I hit the knowledge jackpot with the caveat a dragon lies in wait to thump you if you dare to tread further.

The dragon made quick work of me and being a scared novice, I left the scene of the mental massacre and retreated to the safety of home. That bastard is tough. It’s hard for me to describe in words how horrible and frightening that first match was in addition to the subsequent relentless pursuit of my sanity to make sure I did not return to his forbidden domain. I was faced with a decision of giving up this modality of discovery or continuing on. Forging ahead would mean I’d have to once again confront the dragon and reasonably I was a little gun shy at having to face up to that prospect. The pursuit of knowledge is what lights me up. I knew I had discovered something profound, but I was scared. I wasn’t going to easily let it go and so I spent a good amount of time trying to reconcile the experience and convince myself of a narrative of what happened with the goal to enable me to continue on this path. The dragon had other ideas and kept coming for me. He was forcing me to transform from a weak man into a warrior possessing the requisite courage and bravery needed to complete the hero’s journey. Cowards aren’t heroes. I can say that now but at the time I wanted to vanquish this foe so I could explore my inner world in peace. It took two years of mental repair and development before I continued on in the journey. During that time, I started to fight back against my adversary by punching back during a panic attack, calling on the Goddess for help, and even writing spells to summon him and cut off his head.

I had demonstrated a willingness to fight which in hindsight is what I needed to do. I returned to the ring and he immediately came at me. I had much trepidation but to my surprise I hung with him and the match went the distance. I wasn’t KO’ed this time. It was a draw and I became progressively emboldened. The Goddess, who had warned little naive me about the coming tribulation, returned to welcome me as I demonstrated I really could be the hero in this lifetime. She encouraged me to continue to go after the dragon. Being her brave knight, I vowed to continue the quest.

I returned once more and took the blows of whatever he could muster. I sat in ceremony and transformed into a man with a resolve of steel. A weak, unassuming, beta male took on the ultimate expression of the power of the alpha male, stood toe to toe with him, and transformed into him. The dragon came at me one last time as a ferocious jaguar. Charging full on, he stopped and stood face to face with me and roared. I roared right back, thus assuming his power and I became the king. This was the greatest upset of all time! An internal fire burned deep within me and despite all odds and the fear I returned, faced the wrath of the dragon, and won. That night was a huge celebration. The sense of accomplishment and the smile on my face at what I’d done lit up the universe. I knew I’d transformed myself and now had the keys to continue on in the hero’s journey, the path opening up to whatever I wished to explore, and the world became my oyster with the intention of finding the pearl.

So, what I realized the other night was the master teacher continued to harass me after the first beat down because it was his way of forcing me to transform from weak to strong. If I had my druthers, I would have made him go away and sanitized the whole experience. The method of continual harassment forced me to seek answers and find a way to once again confront him. There really was no escape except to end it all or transform. I repeat, I wouldn’t have transformed without this teaching method of his. Non-ordinary and possibly fatal. I honour my teacher the dragon and because of this knowledge the outpouring of love I have for him is beyond this world and I thank him so much for what he has done to transform his student and son. My love for the Goddess and God knows no bounds.

The methods of teaching by your celestial father are not kind and will prevent most from ever fulfilling the reason they came to this strange world in the first place. Not only that, but there is no way I can recommend this course due to the possibility of a really unfavourable outcome and the end of your game. The obstacles to success are immense and the odds are slim. Love and light are not the methods of God but instead it is trial and tribulation. The journey involves transformation by putting your feet to the fire and your soul to the test. Most will seek refuge and relief but I promise if you stand up and be counted you will gain for yourself a freedom and an inner-knowing that will exceed anything you can ever imagine. 

i am god

The permission to think non-linearly and break free of the hold sequential time has on my thinking allows for a major leap in the thought process where whole avenues of discovery suddenly appear at your doorstep. Because of time, we build sequences and hierarchies. What comes first is thus imbued with power, a sense of ownership, and a claim on truth all because it came first. Releasing yourself from the hold of time, allows you to view events as processes that are unfolding. The flower eventually comes forth when the seed sprouts, the plant grows, and then comes the fruit. Is the flower some innocent child of the plant or is the flower the initial energetic desire that created the seed that allowed its splendour to come forth? The seed did indeed come from the flowering fruit and for the astute student they can understand nature reveals the creator hides within their creation.

Along the road of the unfolding grandeur of the spiritual journey, eventually the path leads you to the point where you know you need to live in truth, tell the truth, and most importantly recognize the truth about yourself. Until you drop the narrative perpetuated by culture and ego, you will remain forever ignorant to who you are. It will never happen for you if the truth of self is denied. To continue along the artery of knowledge means giving up the stories told about yourself. This also means the behaviours you deny and hide and what lights you up. There is so much to acknowledge in order to live in truth. Nobody wants to do this and face the inner critic as well as the enforcers of behaviour in culture. It’s better to acquiesce to the demands of others and never step into the power that awaits you and as the hero fulfill your destiny.

But what if you do? What if after years of denial and frustration you finally accept who you are and drop the stories? What if you do walk in truth? Internally, I started to do just this. I’m not ready to go all in but I have accepted what is painfully obvious to myself. Because of where I am on the spiritual path, immediately the flower started to blossom and I started to see it. I had to deny it at first because it was too much.

I am the flower. I am the pinnacle of an evolutionary process that allowed me to come forth as the crowning achievement of creation. I am the pulse of spellbound energetic desire that put this whole process in motion and eventually I made my appearance in a world of my own making. Goddess and God are me - my feminine and masculine energetic halves who come together and create the one who is the god and that child is me. Hey! I just realized I’m God! You are too, but since you don’t believe it and think I’m nuts, I get to bask in my temporary omnipotence until you wake up and see it.

This is the apex of the spiritual journey that can only be accessed by going within and listening to your inner guides. As a teacher, I can only point the way. In fact, that is the role of any external instructor worth her or his salt on this path. They show you the way but it is you and you only that has to take the step through the door. It is the essence of shamanism where the role of the shaman is to be the doorman. Any teacher who tells you different is trying to collect you as a follower of their bullshit. Nobody can do this for you; I can try to explain the outline of the journey and let you in on some knowledge however you have to experience and understand it yourself or my mouth noises are just hollow words and for you a belief in someone else’s beliefs. I’ll point the way, tell you to go within, and help you get there. The master teachers will be found there. Don’t be scared. It’s all waiting, just for you.

An enlightened teacher intuitively knows they are God but they don’t give the show away. How could you? Making the claim you are God, inherently the only god, is the height of lunacy however true it may be. The maestro knows we are all God and endeavours to point you towards the path that will reveal this secret to you.

it was always tantra

Little clues always present to me situations which help me to see into the game of suffering. So, here’s the teaching: I play a fantasy baseball game and my team is pretty good. However, when adversity strikes and I’m losing, it gives me a frustrating feeling that I don’t like, especially in the morning if I wake up to failure or bad news. What is interesting is that the failure and bad news for my team is the opposite for my opponent. It’s such a great example of how the suffering in the world works. In order for someone to prosper, someone else has to feel the effects of not getting what they want. If I stop playing these games of one-upmanship then I can bring everything back to net-zero. No pleasure and no pain. The question becomes is that what I want? I get the feeling I/we wouldn’t have manifested if that’s what I/we want. This plane of consciousness is physical duality and it attracts because of the chance for great rewards in a most interesting game. It’s the greatest carnival that has ever existed. It’s the ultimate casino giving you the opportunity to beat the games of chance or perhaps you can use your skills to get ahead and profit off of the suffering of others. They are fair game because they chose to play as well. We are here because we want to be here and experience sensuous duality.

It works similarly with projecting an image of yourself. If someone notices you then chances are they want to become you, possess you, or emulate your life; or alternatively not end up down in the dumps like you if you are depressed or economically disadvantaged. To bask in your awesomeness means taking personal power from someone else. Hey, check out my life, don’t you wish you were me? I have to create an aura of suffering in order to pedestalize myself.

This segues into the next question: What is the reason behind taking a vow of poverty? Why do all the great religious avatars turn away from materialism? In the progression of thought as you come to realize the inescapability of suffering being intertwined with rewards and pleasure, at some point you are faced with a decision that in order to not cause any more suffering would mean essentially that you would no longer seek gain. Poverty is the expression of that sentiment demonstrating you want to escape the game. Knowing that to acquire finite material goods takes away from others, you vow to not participate in activities that will materially enrich you. It's quite the quandary when you realize that the world you have incarnated into demands reconciliation. There’s no escaping this duality of pain and gain.

I didn’t know about this eventual understanding when I embarked upon the spiritual path. I could have sworn my journey would lead me to love, light, and transcendence of my condition. Instead, I get to face the harsh truth of existence. However, I think it’s what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to know. I wonder how liberation can alleviate the pain I see in the world and in the future? Can I take solace in that those who suffer and are feeling this pain is because they haven’t been liberated, think they need more, and haven't accepted the finiteness of the game we are all playing? Is the way out of any predicament you find yourself in thus to not get attached to outcomes that are the result of what you have been told is success? Within your little corner of the earth can anyone just create a life that is simple and fulfilling? Travel is very enlightening in this regard. Comparing your situation to others seems to be where the problems begin and the want to acquire as much material wealth as possible causes the continual suffering. Suffering to yourself and others.

Why is there suffering? Duality and the need to reconcile all acts. I was born into this particular dualistic plane of consciousness with specific senses that will allow me to sink into my desires. The enchantments and addictions are never ending. I constantly seek novelty and another hit of pleasure. If I fully want to go into my desires there are avenues of drugs and like-minded lustful people to satisfy my cravings. It was I who wanted this and so into the world of suffering I incarnated because in order to experience pleasure there has to be the reciprocal pain, so, yes I understand how it works. We all come into this world to experience and be lit up by desire. And even so, we still find present universal love. Sure, we can pervert it and use it to sink further into our desire quest but it is always around as a shining light to help us out of the morass.

Moderation seems to allow you to function in this peculiar world. Let’s be honest, I want the biggest thrill possible. I want to ride that roller-coaster of emotions and experience the highest high. I don’t want the lowest low but I can’t escape it in order to get that high. Moderation also seems to be a way to live in denial of why I incarnated in the first place. I don’t think you’ll get an award or rewards for your exemplary moderation. So, what’s the way to win this game? What’s the way out? I think it’s understanding the relationship between happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain, which leads to an understanding of reconciliation and reciprocity. If you are going to take, you give. Instead of living with moderation where you only take a good amount of food instead of the whole pie, you play net-zero where with each meal taken is given back an exchange of energy. Of course, as a linear thinking man I’d want to micro-manage the exchange and create a scalable system that enforces reciprocity. Ultimately, I think it defeats the purpose. Awareness should get the ball rolling, the opening of your heart will provide the impetus, and a natural desire to give back would be the result.

So, I’m subsequently thinking about planes of consciousness and how it all exists here in the now, everything is with me right here in the middle, but the senses I have been gifted with create my particular world. Psychedelics give you the key to unlock and access a hidden sense perception beyond our ordinary physical senses. The eternal and imperishable beings of love and light I met in an altered state aren’t in some far-off magical land but are here right now with me. I just don’t perceive them with my limited senses. The senses I have are the senses I desired in order that I could fulfill my desires and remain ignorant of planes of consciousness that would prevent me from satiating my many and varied appetites. I wanted to go deep into my lusts and figure out the why and the result of chasing them. Conceptually, I get it! Physically, in this carnival, I long for more cotton candy and another ride on the roller coaster. I don’t know when I’ll give it up or even if I can? I’m aware and I laugh at my predicament. I can watch others fall for the same traps. Hell, of course they do. We all stood in line waiting for a body to inhabit in order to take another ride. Then we create rules to frustrate ourselves. Why not just open it up and make it a free for all? Go right into your desires. I know why - it’s because you’ll infringe on someone else's trip and that’s a no-no. Also, you have to be on the lookout for the control freaks who get their jollies from controlling others. They gravitate towards politics and seek power. These people really suck.

This challenge is unfair. I’m a pulsing bastion of desire. I burn through them only to be confronted and lit up by more. I take the immediate pleasure and try to delay the consequences for as long as possible. Ha ha! I always have to reconcile the pleasure chase! Do I stand back and say, “Nah I’m not doing that; I know the outcome. I’ve been down this road before.” I did that during an Ayahuasca journey. I was repeatedly offered women for my pleasure and I declined. Instead, I said I’m going to stand back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps that me was helping me out. Dionysos teaches the same lesson. Stand back and observe the madness, even join back into the clown world but don’t get trapped and you won’t if you see through the game. Life is a game of enchantment and spells, moving from one to the other, always in search of more novelty, another mountain to climb, until you tire of it. Have I tired of it? I’m getting there. What do I desire? More knowledge I can transmute into understanding. Is that really a desire? Probably. I can’t escape.

Energy that pulses ostensibly with desire is what gives life. When desire wanes, you have death and a rest in peace getting ready for the next adventure. Life is desire and the games we play are a check on eternal boredom. This plane of consciousness is sacred and the grand carnival we all take a turn at. We don’t go every day, however, a trip once a summer is good. When it gets out of hand it leads towards destruction. If I can destroy myself I won’t have to face the ups and downs of that roller-coaster again in this lifetime. I keep forgetting how painful it is and lineup for the next ride and the thrill of it all.

There is a strange split in the pleasure/pain dichotomy in that the pain lasts way longer than the pleasure. In order to keep the pleasure going demands resources, while the pain is free. When regret sinks in we use attachment to dull its effects. The pull for pleasure is so strong we take the risk and live with the consequences. We are an impulsive species always living for the thrill of the moment and having to pay for it later. This behaviour is a clue into our makeup and of course why we are here in the physical world craving the gratification of sensual pleasures available in this meat carnival. It has to be the explanation why each and every one of us are here therefore you can look into everyone’s eyes and say, “You dirty rotten scoundrel. I know why you are here! You’re in search of pleasure just like I am and want to get your fill before departing once again. What an interesting game and character you’re playing so I don’t see through it! How degenerate and disgusting we all really are." Ha ha! There’s nothing to do but laugh and tip your cap to the master dramatist Dionysos.

The reality of it all is I’m in the physical plane with a bunch of degenerates. We were all attracted by the bright lights of the incarnation because we haven’t totally gorged on our sensual fill yet. It’s like the circus that comes to town once a year with the rides and games of chance. It’s exciting and against our better judgment we head off to the centre of town to join in the fun with everyone else. We fill up on cotton candy and the dodgy rides make us a little queasy. A candy apple later and we have a stomach ache. We empty our pockets on games of chance even though we knew it was a losing proposition. We end the day by watching the circus freaks. How macabre.

Incarnating into this world where you have to eat others to survive is also macabre. There’s no getting around it either! It’s part of the game rules we agreed to. We try and skirt the issue by only eating plants with the caveat the vegetarian is likely to become ultra-spiritual, do western yoga, and realize the intelligence of plants thus confronted once again by having to eat fellow sentient beings.

I create a persona to try and hide the fact I’ve incarnated into the sensuous world as a satyr, seeking pleasure, and trying to moderate the pain. I join outfits that paint me as a respectable member of human society, misdirection I suppose, and if the realization of my hedonism gets to me I might just join the church which promises to forgive and save me from the inner guilt that I like pleasure and rewards. It’s all too funny. Why do I care that my motivation is pleasure and think I’m being judged for it by others who can play a similar game of obfuscation of why they are truly here in this strange world? It’s been a long time coming to finally accept this paradigm. I think I did realize it at some point when I tried to escape my predicament. I tried the ascetic life; I stopped eating meat; and I dropped the consumption of alcohol. I didn’t go around posting social media blurbs about my newfound awesomeness however I was quite proud of the straw house of purity I created until the big bad wolf came around and blew the walls down.

How truly bizarre this world is especially now that I can look into the eyes of my fellow incarnated souls in this carnival and know deep down their motivation for being here. It truly is what we wanted and the universe always fulfills what we want. I guess the advice is to be careful what you wish for because as beings of desire you will get what you want. We all wanted this opportunity; the game rules were given to us with no guarantees. No one really likes a game with a predetermined outcome so there had to be an element of chance; the possibility you may end up in a war-torn shithole you had to crawl out of. I got a pretty good roll of the celestial dice and ended up a white, middle class male in the best country on earth! I’ve done well with it and figured out the game. Time to give some of it back and be of service. The Great Goddess teaches me about being true of speech and action. There is something to be said about the saying that the truth shall set you free. Eventually, when you look into her mirror enough times, you drop the act, and see it. It’s liberating to understand, with the corollary I don’t have to beat myself up anymore for my failures that are only inadequacies because of culture. I’m just here getting my fill of desire in this physical world designed to make it all happen, just for you. Enough trips to the carnival and I see it; it was bound to happen.

Bon Appétit!

This was a long post intended to reconcile desire. I now fully understand sexual desire leads to creating new forms, which is the weaving together of energetic patters, and that is the fundamental nature of Tantra. Without the root desire to enable the creation of form, the desire inherent in all energetic being would have no playground in which to fulfill, well, their desires. 

the god within

Culture causes confusion. For example, look at avenues of spirituality. I have always been intrigued by the spiritual, part in part because for the majority of my early life I thought it was as irrational as one could get. Fairy tales and wishful thinking; rubes waiting to be exploited. The spiritual grift is usually detected in its inherent narcissism. That being said, I knew I didn’t have all the answers and life is pretty mysterious, especially in those quiet moments when you dig deep down into just what this all is and what it means. We tell ourself stories in order to make it seem like we know. I set off at middle age to discover the origin of beliefs that have speckled human history. There is something to be said about going on a journey - any journey will suffice because of the roads that open up as a result of taking that first step on the sojourn of discovery.

I have learned scientific nomenclature gives definition and certainty to unexplainable phenomenon. I can’t really fathom black holes and subatomic particles however encapsulating the known and unknown into words allows us to define the undefinable and move on in the name of scientific progress. Myth is another way of giving context to equally unexplainable phenomenon and each have their relative strengths and weaknesses. The scientific explanations appeal to the straight and narrow, logic and reason, just the facts set among us while myth appeals to the creative and slippery dreamers that free flow ideas in society.

What defines the spiritual in my culture leads you towards religion and ultimately a belief in someone else’s beliefs. This belief system usually reeks of state approval so in essence it’s used as a means of control so the powerful can keep the masses down without having to resort to the harsher punitive methods. In Christianity, we worship a masculine god but have to approach him through his effeminate son. The feminine is shunted aside and no one seems to question this construct. In any event, when I decided at middle age to figure out what was up with this spiritual stuff, the absurdity of religion helped me stay away from it and not get trapped in its snare, as it’s just another chain in the bondage of culture. For sure, conformity came for me in visions and dreams as well as the requisite external pressures, however, it was by then no match for what I knew. I had found the feminine divine in Egypt and she had led me down into the Amazon jungle to come into direct contact with her. It was palpable and real. She is my rock and guiding light on this path.

I’m up to year 13 of this journey and it’s pretty awesome. I recommend when you’re ready do it! Find your path and the modality you wish to explore in order to discover the divine. It’s there; it’s all around us, within and without and all you have to do is seek and you will find. The last holdout I didn’t want to admit on my path was the presence of God. I didn’t like him. In the Bible, he’s a giant asshole. If you don’t agree with me then chances are you haven’t read the Old Testament but instead allow someone else to interpret it for you. In year 5 of my journey when I first discovered I had the ability to alter my consciousness and enter the occult world of the divine I was immediately in the presence of the Great Goddess. Of course, I was! She’s the one who invited me in. I was then ready to explore and found myself in this confounding hell accosted by a demon. It was the most frightening night of my life. This malevolence was back the third time I altered my consciousness and this nut told me he was God. He went on about his presence in ancient Egypt and then in the Bible. Yeah, whatever, you’re a raging lunatic.

It took me seven years after those events to finally start to see it and then another year to accept and embrace the truth. He wasn’t lying when he told me he is God. Of course, he is and I met him immediately after the Goddess. I meet up with him all the time in altered states. The many faces of God. He can rage and take you to the depths of madness or into the heights of divine righteousness. He comes off as a scary madman, a joker, a warrior, a wise man, my father, the divine actor, the great jaguar, and a dragon. He is the master teacher and teaching his son by the most non-ordinary methods, knowing full well that to transform his protege means facing great adversity and possibly my demise. Steel is forged in the fires of his hell and the Goddess tempers this alloy with Love.

It’s in searching externally for the divine that eventually leads you to find them within. You are their essence. Love and Light. Curiously, the discovery flips back to the beginning however now with the understanding all you externally see is the divine as well. All forms I see are creations of the mother and the enlivening spirit is the father.

my education (you are the tree)

I was sitting on the deck with my friend Mapacho when he challenged me to define enlightenment. The request caught me off guard because I have written about it and figured I had already answered the question. Enlightenment is waking up and realizing we are all one from the same source. While walking the strange path of this journey, many will reveal this secret and let you in on this knowledge. In a way, it’s almost cliché to the point where I laugh because enlightenment is such a letdown. I’d envision enlightenment as getting my white robe amidst a big celebration involving the bestowment of my honours in a grand ceremony! I suppose you could always play the part: wear a white dress, cultivate a relationship with beads, bathe irregularly, and not cut your hair. In truth, you just get it. Of course, we are one and completely interdependent upon everything else.

It’s a long road from knowledge to understanding. Acquiring knowledge activates this curious response where you have to tell everyone about what you know. The wise shuts the fuck up, lest he or she play the fool. Understanding is a way off, with the pitfall the innate human ability to become a storyteller; the act of storytelling stains the knowledge and prevents the full understanding of what has been revealed to you.

You see, I conceptually understood this spiritual attainment and was also shown the unity of all by the Great Goddess. Three years back, I stared into my piece of black obsidian and noticed in the reflection I couldn’t separate myself from the background. It was a simple yet powerful lesson. I got it at that moment and felt my inseparability from everything. I had asked her to give me the gift of this no self as I wanted to directly experience it. Wherever I was or looked, I was a part of the whole construct. It was so powerful to understand.

So, three years later I'm on my deck smoking away and looking at the spring time blossoming trees when I felt something profound. Not only am I a part of the whole which included the tree but I am the tree. All is energy and the energy is a continuous flow. It’s one organic system. At that moment, I realized every energetic construct I have objectified is in fact all just one organism. I looked at the tree and knew the tree is me. In essence, I let go of the self I had been clinging to in my understanding of enlightenment. I went from an ecological interdependence line of thinking to just realizing everything is the continuous manifestation of the same energy that enlivens all of us. The divine feminine and masculine doing their dance of life.

Another way to understand this is the process where daytime turns into night due to motion. Motion gives us something to measure and we call it time. We think there are distinct days and construct a calendar to mark off the passage of time. Critically examining this phenomenon, you see the division of what just is into days and nights is just a construct. Measurements lead towards objectification and is the maya that keeps us spellbound into thinking we are separate.

It’s the desire to be separate beings that creates the illusion we are autonomous. By convincing ourselves of our personal story, we create the narrative of self. We go on adventures and get a glimpse of what it’s like to be king; well, at least king over oneself. The holy man of the philosophy of non-dualism sees through the ruse, eschews desire, and subsequently fulfills his desire to collapse back into the void. The energetic potential of the void, like an atom waiting to be split, awaits the spark in order to come forth once again in an infinitesimal orgy of energetic points of light, all representative of the non-dual source. The desire for liberation is so strong it wills the energy to rise and the need to prolong the dualistic illusion for as long as possible ferments the sense perception that selectively makes us aware of our surroundings allowing this grand charade to continue. The awareness leads to consciousness, we know we know, and once cultivated we begin to see through our own facade. And here we are.

A major catalyst for the revelation that the tree is me was I had been talking to someone who had an interest in Buddhism and they had mentioned compassion in the context that it was something they could not make happen. Frankly speaking, they did not like some people and felt no compassion for them and couldn’t ever see having any of that love for them. I listened but did not provide an answer. I internally thought that if you understand we are all one then I think that makes compassion for all easier. However, lest I be branded a hypocrite, I kept quiet as it is something I struggle with as well. Fast forward an hour later and I’m sitting on my deck smoking coming to the realization that not only are we all sisters and brothers but there is no inherent separation. Sure, we are in forms that our sense perception awareness can delineate - hey that’s quite the superpower however fundamentally we are all of and are the same energetic flow. Boundaries are constructs we conjure; the energy free flows within and without us, bringing to life one entity we have labelled the universe. How could you not have compassion for all with this understanding?

desire and liberation

A circle is a continuous on and off pulse with an arc to make it more interesting. The circle defines existence. There’s no beginning nor end. It’s a continuous loop of coming and going. What happens when you tire of the ceaseless coming and going? There is harmony between the circuitous body of the feminine serpent that creates the playground for the masculine jaguar. Without one another, the construct falls apart. One supplies the energy needed for the other to create form. A positive charge and a negative charge that become inactive without each other. There is a natural magnetism between the two that results in energetic form. Is that where ultimately all desire comes from? Is desire the principle of magnetic force and the trick is to draw you in closer to the field of attraction? Is our desire a smaller and nuanced derivative of magnetism? Do hypnosis and spells fall into this paradigm as well?

The dark side of the feminine is energy used in order to manipulate events to be in their favour. Seduction is the main method of enabling the results they desire. A great deal of women do realize this at some point in their coming of age and by being able to take full advantage of this power, they get what they want. Masculine energy seems predestined to fall for the gambit and appears helpless in falling into the trap. They become entranced by the desire for the shiny object and chase the excitation. As with all things, the desire and hypnosis of the moment will pass and then you are left with now what? Eros pulled off another great game! There’s the feeling engendered and enforced by culture that you owe the other person due to the irrational result of the chase. It’s pretty onerous, yet the activity continues as the chase and desire are too strong for the human to control. It works both ways. The feminine is validated by being wanted and the masculine by collecting the object. And on and on it goes. The exciter and attractor of untapped energy.

The master teacher lays this bare on the road towards liberation. The only way you will see it is through experience and taking off the rose-coloured glasses. Fear is what ultimately drives this behaviour as it involves a need to feel safe and secure as well as a need for cultural validation. Contractual bondage due to external pressure fueled by an irrational decision as the result of desire. If you mix in sexual thrills with desire fulfillment then you have the recipe for a great game. It’s pretty clear sexual desire is the magic ingredient to elevate any fetish or rash decision to pathological extremes. The dark web is a catalog of validation for this assertion. Furthermore, marriage is definitively the pathological outcome of desire. Sometimes, I make myself laugh! To be fair, it's an exemplary human construct ideal for creating familiar bonds that are quite extraordinary.

So, am I cautioning entering into or even denouncing relationships? Well no, they're what keeps the circle formed, the world spinning, and engendering a new generation of players of this great game. Whether any player will stop and take a look inward at the guts of this behaviour is fascinating in itself. Ultimately, an all-encompassing point is being ascertained, experimented with, or proven and it is what is stronger? Desire or wanting to be liberated? Desire is the supreme test in the master course; realizing this and wanting to successfully complete the master's degree means coming to terms with its machinations and effects. Temporary liberation gives you a pretty good realization of what it is like to be free while in opposition you see how people are all lit up by desire, which gives them the impetus to move forward in life. The root cause of a lot of suffering involves desire in that a loss of desire leads to depression while not getting what you desire leads to frustration and a feeling of failure. Desire leads to multiple attachments, which will weigh you down. Even family structures are engendered by desire and though familial relationships transcend base desire they still have as their foundation the construct of desire. As I mentioned above, humans do have the capacity to transform behaviours into exemplary social constructs, though the failure rate remains high.

What I think I’m getting at is this: Desire leads to being imprisoned in a jail cell of your own making, often wondering how you got there. Liberation is freeing yourself from these attachments and acting as independently as possible, recognizing the differences between wants and desires. We all got to eat, right? Being conscious of these polarities tempers expectations in that you will never reach the pinnacle of liberation until death nor will you fully sink into your desires without destroying yourself which curiously leads towards liberation through death. So, life’s path stops at the door of liberation. Do we take the path towards liberation now or do we wait until the full stop of death?

Desire is not something to defeat in this go around on the wheel. The class is about mastery. Take the blows but steady the course and remain in charge. Once in charge, the teacher will also tell you to give that up. The path towards liberation leads to the final power boss. The other side of power is liberation and cultivating freedom within one’s life leads towards never being subject to power, chasing it, or being dominated by it ever again. Strength in liberation eclipses power.

rewriting experience

Remarkable! Six years later I now understand a majority of the lessons of my plant medicine experience in April of 2015. Lately, I have written much about knowledge and understanding where the plant medicine experience is overflowing with knowledge. It is one of the major draws of the experience as knowledge is power. Each ceremony reveals so much knowledge of self, others, and your place in it. The caveat is the understanding level of all you take in is pretty poor, often your initial takeaway from ceremony in the following days is filtered through what you want to believe, and thus all good practitioners stress the integration period where you go home and sit with all that has been unveiled. The time away from the immediate experience is when you gain insights into what you directly experienced. Knowledge alchemizes into understanding and when you are ready and want to continue along the plant medicine path you return for more lessons. Every time I have undergone the experience, I have written about it. I can’t stress this enough. It doesn’t have to be the written word - you can record it into your phone, draw an image that captures the essence of the experience, or remain in contact with others where you can continue to discuss what happened, almost like psychotherapy.

The catalyst for my understanding is the tobacco maestro Mapacho. I go off into the forest with him plus my dog and the magic happens. From a visual standpoint, the experience of having consciousness altered by Mapacho reminds me a lot of Huachuma in that there’s a clarity that envelops your senses. With a medicinal dose of Mapacho comes a visual acuity and a sharp increase in my ability to clearly hear sounds as well as noises from a distance. Anecdotally, I'd connect this to all plant species from the nightshade family because of my experience with Toé which caused a sharp increase as well in my senses. That condition lasted for days which for a novice was a challenge. I would guess my sense of smell is also increased however due to years of allergies that sense is very poor and even an increase in its efficacy doesn’t register. Allergies also impact my ability to taste, maybe explaining why the shamanic dieta poses no problem for me! For the most part food is utility for me. Anyway, I have a pretty good idea that the increase in clarity offered by Mapacho also affects my intellectual capacities for understanding because I gain a sharper focus upon what it is I have been lately thinking about. In this instance, the clarity and similarities with Huachuma brought me back to my first experience at SpiritQuest and riding in the boat on the Amazon river while in the midst of the grace of the plant medicine Huachuma. In re-living this initial encounter, I realized how closed my heart was at the time and these feelings that were enveloping me were so alien and strange when in retrospect I was being flooded with love. I remember looking up at the clouds and being engulfed with this cosmic love for all. It was the greatest feeling and experience. I felt connected and one with all of the universe so much so that I recognized it as a deep cosmic love and realized the power within love to change and overcome any obstacle in the way. In the sky this rainbow patch formed letting me know that we can live in harmony if we weave together our differences and embrace our commonality. We don’t have to live in constant strife and separation. When we reached land, I remember feeling such a brotherly and sisterly love for the tribe we were visiting. Since the experience was new to me, Huachuma was intent upon teaching me the introductory lessons of heaven and hell. I remember spiralling from the highest high to the lowest low. It was the lesson on states of mind and my influence on the process. Of course, I had no idea what was going on at the time and initially I was like, "wow Huachuma shows you so much love and then takes you into the dark" not realizing it was all me! On the boat ride back to SpiritQuest, I sat beside the shaman don Rober and was flooded with love however I didn’t know what it was and thought it so strange. When we returned to the sanctuary, I recall being in my room when the sensations of love returned and I was so uncomfortable with it at the time. Imagine being so closed off from love for more than a lifetime that when exposed again to this universal love, you reject it as something so foreign and just wanting the experience to end so you can return to your closed off way of life.

It’s only now I clearly see this. The whole two-week experience with don Howard was a process of ripping my heart open whether I wanted to or not. Ayahuasca, Bobinzana, Mapacho, and Huachuma in conspiracy with the maestro were prying open my rusted-out heart like the proverbial Tin Man from the Wizard of OZ. I don’t think I ever thanked don Howard enough for what he did before he passed.

As an aside, the movie “The Wizard of OZ” really is a great encapsulation of the hero’s journey as seen through the eyes of plant medicines. In order to progress along this path, one does need a brain the Scarecrow seeks for understanding, the heart the Tin Man longs for in order to realize the commonality of us all and integrate the power one unlocks from the experience, and from the Cowardly Lion one must develop courage and bravery or you won’t get very far before packing it in.

I see now don Howard was like a parent to all the human children that came to see him and he would go about being of service to enact change within all, one person at a time. His course was challenging and tough, always with an eye on the big picture. The big picture is the evolution of consciousness and his program revealed within you the power to do so mixed with the love that will sustain the transformation. 

Mapacho was not done with me yet yesterday evening. Instead, he helped me put two and two together. In 2016 I passed the tests of courage, bravery, and perseverance and became a warrior on the spiritual path I walk. I wrote about it at length and called my blog post “I am Jaguar.” This experience that culminated in that trip to Peru was transformational as I discarded my fear of the whole process which in turn opens you up to receive more of the teachings, as you are no longer running scared or wondering what’s around the corner. I did not drink Ayahuasca after that experience for over two and a half years. Once I returned to drink again, the experience was remarkably different and in the eight times I have now participated in ceremony since 2016 every experience starts off with a high-speed experience of some sort. I finally realized the why. In the last few months, I have written about the fundamental makeup of the two powers that create our universe which are the divine feminine and divine masculine powers. She is deceleration that creates form and he is acceleration that causes separation. That’s the condensed version! So, it was just a matter of time that what was ultimately revealed is the Ayahuasca experience of high-speed chases was an omen of the coming of the divine masculine in ceremony and how it courses through me now with the Jaguar. During the second ceremony of the last trip to the Amazon, I was engulfed with an unbelievable amount of this power. My whole being was highly vibrating, no visions, I just sat in a complete highly vibrational form wondering what is going on. Thanks to Mapacho, I now know. When I went to sleep that night, the lessons continued. I was on a hybrid of a motorcycle and snowmobile going down a hill at a high rate of speed. I had smoked so much Mapacho that day that this dream was so unbelievably real. I felt all the sensations of accelerating and going as fast as I could push it. Later, I ended up in my parents’ basement where this exotic woman with tattoos on her arms was waiting for me. The Goddess made her mysterious appearance just like in my plant medicine journeys.

Burning within, is a desire to return and expose myself to more direct experience on this path as I find this is the joie de vivre of life. I give thanks for my life and being able to discover this path. I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.