path of a novice

What is my path? I have been exposed to many modalities on this long and winding road. There is the all-pervasive love as well as this shining bright light available to head towards. The right-hand path can lead to becoming a shining example of a fully realized human being or it could devolve into another game of self-aggrandizement. Have you ever met someone who has drank Ayahuasca so now they can do no wrong and all their decisions are leading towards becoming infallible? Ha ha! The opposite is true and you are slowly being shown you don’t know anything. There is also the less glamorous left-hand path of service in order to freely offer yourself to others. I have to be honest with myself: These paths don’t resonate deep within me and speaks to diversity within us all in that we are all drawn to different paths. I do offer myself in service to anyone who asks. I try to treat everyone well but I don’t go out of my way to do it. What calls to me is the path of knowledge and exploration.

On this path, experiencing temporary bliss and unity is a special experience and a taste of it is given with the use of some psychedelics. The high doesn’t last and you return to baseline consciousness and are left wondering how to integrate what you have been shown into your daily life in order to try and be better and influence others to do the same. It is a source of never-ending frustration, if constant failure is new to you and the backsliding into old habits is maddening.

From these constant setbacks can be learned there is a need to embrace the low and let it play out. Its return is an invitation to explore and master this state of human consciousness. If it is knowledge you seek, it is paramount into the darkness you must enter and not hold back. The complete experience involves the total exploration of consciousness; not just the part you like. Fear is the bugaboo and he guards the door into the darkness with his cadre of demons and their sharp weapons to get you to turn back. You originally went on in that door but ran as fast as you could back out of it. Now to go back involves getting fear to open that door once again.

I directly meet my shadow in altered states. He is the master of disguise; to wit the great actor; however, I’m on to him and can recognize his appearance in vision. Going back through all my consciousness exploration, I can now see when, where, and as who he has appeared. He appeared as the jaguar testing my courage once I was ready. I passed with flying colours and got my spots. Previously, any other time on the path this appearance would have chased me away. Intuitively, he knew I was ready; I knew deep down I was ready. Once you discard fear, so much opens up on the path. So much discovery. You can clearly see intercultural connections and start to put it all together. I guess for some this leads eventually to an astounding discovery. For others, it is definitively a road to power, perdition, and their ultimate demise.

Psychedelics are how he is freed and sometimes we connect through music. I just remembered a forgotten teaching moment when I initially drank Ayahuasca I was enchanted by the shaman’s songs, called icaros. I felt the presence of something living in between the notes; like the notes were the light and there was something living within the decay of the sound; i.e. the shadows. I feel him deep in my depths.

I’m trying to work up an apology. He is the way out of my tight and structured life. When I reached middle age, I knew of him and I tried to get rid of him for good in order to completely embrace my role in culture. In return, he tried to snuff me out. In the course of human medical history, I’m sure there’re numerous accounts of people going mad, going off the deep end, and committing suicide that seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe a bump on the head? We headed for the ring; a bout for the ages. He gave me a thorough beatdown and went in for the kill. He tried to drive me crazy and towards desperation to free myself of his grasp. I got up off the mat and fought back and sure enough boxed him into a corner. I then put the lock down on my mind through force of will and meditative practices. I stood up to him a countless number of times as we traded punches until finally I sat in an Ayahuasca ceremony as he came at me in full force. With a resolve of steel, I defended and deflected all his blows like Neo in the Matrix until finally I had a vision of a six-shooter empty its cartridge into my brain. I did not waver and kept my mind on lockdown. I won. Within a few days, I sat in ceremony and transformed into a jaguar. The master teacher, the great jaguar, bestowed the honour upon me and our relationship changed. I was enrolled in his master class; a worthy student though I was oblivious to what really just happened. I wasn’t ready to find out his identity; instead, I was to sit with my victory and to wonder what’s next.

Meditation is a useful tool and can be used to free yourself from culture if judiciously practiced. The shepherding cultural voice is silenced. It also helps you get into the clouds, free of the darkness within. I figured that one out through trial and error. It’s how I put the hammer down on him and got him to shut up. I’ll never use it for that purpose again. Instead, meditation is my way into the inner sanctum.

It’s only been in the last few months when I made the ever-lasting connection after I realized who he was and what he was doing. It’s a friendship like no other. I look back on my life and I always knew he was with me but I lived a life of denial; occasionally indulging him. Like everyone else, I buried him and then had to deal with the consequences when the loneliness caused him to be destructive and blow his top. I know trust was lost because of betrayal and the selling out of my soul to my culture; a culture that further repressed him through religion and pharmaceuticals. When symptoms of depression occur in our society, instead of discovering the root cause of unhappiness, we further numb the rumblings from the subconscious. I’ve asked for forgiveness for my behaviour. I wish to make amends for the desecration of self as he shows me how to reclaim and free myself from the grasp of external actors. You know the Faustian bargain where you sell your soul to the Devil in exchange for power, riches, eternal life, or some favour? Yeah? Well, have you ever realized you have sold your soul to culture? And then when culture makes unreasonable demands, you are sure left in a bind. Instead of selling your soul to anyone, reclaim it and become free.

In terms of the journey and gaining knowledge, my teacher described the oblivious level and the novice level. Pretty much all of us are at the oblivious stage. Some get an inkling of who or what is behind this life course but due to cultural suppression that knowledge is left in the dark and not dare touched. It was only recently that I touched it. With all I have discovered and realized, I was wondering should I continue on in this journey? So much has been revealed to me. He replied I was a novice!

I think we all have the power to give meaning to our lives. My meaning of life is to search for the meaning of life and during this search I have discovered it is a game. The game has set up traps to block you from continuing on. Therefore, within the game are sub-games with the big one being the questions of control, power, and liberation. This is the major block on the path towards what I guess you could call enlightenment for the lack of a better term. Having control over your current situation, no matter how flimsy, is necessary to avoid suffering and allows you to play out this incarnation in relative comfort. It is of course very inviting and if you have embarked upon a fool’s errand where you think you can discover what this is all about it certainly does present a dilemma. It is such a vexing problem to consider and my shadow gave me an early heads up so I’m not forced into any rash decision. As a novice on the path, he has told me straight out what I seek in order to move ahead is liberation. Free yourself from the hold everything has on you. Culture, identity, family structures, not wanting to suffer, not wanting to disappoint. There’s no playbook or rule book to follow; in other words, free yourself from conditions. Rich man, poor man - it does not matter. Obviously, being poor and homeless is easiest however having some money to allow you to live isn’t necessarily going to put you in chains. It’s how you live your life with what you got. Having wealth and needing to hold onto it or accumulate more means you’ll never be free. You will be so trapped in identifying yourself with money. When you are poor, it is easy to let go. As you can see I haven’t quite figured that out yet. But I will, no doubt. 

It’s a game and the game is mastery. Mastery allows you to regain control of self from culture. And then eventually you let go of self. If you don’t finish the game it’s okay, you can play again. 

madness

Civilization and the demands upon the human to conform to culture causes the madness. Mental illness and suicidal tendencies will never be cured as long as humans cling to the societies we create. In order to belong, we sacrifice the individual and submit to the demands of our culture. Deviance from the norm is met with shame and thus we have huge amounts of the members of society who do not fit in and either live a life of not being true to themselves or live at odds with the prevailing culture. The older a society becomes the more the madness envelops the group dynamic until finally there is collapse. A cursory look throughout history reveals all civilizations eventually fall and the impetus and destruction come from within. The guardians of culture will call it a rot from the inside which destroys their way of life.

We are born to be free. Mental illness is the result of the chains of culture and the bonds of our fellow man. Our domestication is what makes us sick.

The end of summer is psychologically a bad time for my dog as she has an irrational phobia towards flying insects which is surprisingly common in her domesticated species. I draw the comparison with the childhood story of the large elephant which is frightened by a little mouse in that it is irrational and a mental illness. Seeing my dog frantic with the onset of a crippling anxiety is tough because I can’t convince her she has nothing to fear. Instead, I sit with her and try and calm her down. The physical manifestation of the phobia results in hives. I knew of a connection between fear with mental illness and staring me straight in the eyes was the example of my dog. Fear also causes madness and makes one act in an irrational manner due to the feedback loop brought upon by the mind’s weakness. 

As with all life’s adventures, this is a teaching moment and pointing me towards the answer to a question I recently posed to the ether. The question was why in the face of solid evidence do people cling to beliefs that are not in accordance with what seems to be the truth of the matter? I have previously accepted that truth is dependent upon one’s beliefs however a statement such as most trees leaves are green in the summer months is a good way to bring stability into one’s life as we need a starting point in order to agree on societal norms and what is accepted. These beliefs are extrapolated out into the whole and come to form the cultural basis within which we operate.

My dog has a mental illness however outside of the triggers for her phobia she functions as one would expect. I took this knowledge and looked at the world at large. Aha! I got it. As a species, we humans are susceptible to mental manipulation and illness which is a by-product of participating in culture and consuming mainstream sources of media and news. When the message is repeated often enough, we accept it as the truth and the error is compounded by the succumbing to the mind virus by others who confirm to us what we should believe. The flip-side is one who is a hold out from believing 2+2=5 will question their own sanity and beliefs. The majority believe this to be true so why don’t I? I must be crazy. Maybe I should just go along with it? My life sure will be easier if I just become like them. The pressure on one outside of the pull of culture is enormous and comes from all directions. Family members, confidants, well-intentioned members of society, and the like all hold you in contempt whilst judging and shaming you for not bowing to the pressure to conform. Society periodically purges the heretics in order that the game can go on, unencumbered by those who don’t play their game. That means for one who does not go along with the madness they are sent away beyond the pale. This madness is a by-product of cultural pressures which cyclically return as long as we aren’t free. It’s always been with us and as long as we live in societies which regulate groupthink the madness returns. When it returns, the outcasts are sent adrift and denied access to the rewards of the culture game.

The easy way out is to give in to the coercion. That’s all they ask. It’s actually rather simple. Just go along with those who hold sway over the game and be a good and obedient slave. However, know that eventually more will be asked of you. The temporary relief you get by accepting the mind virus will come around again to demand payment. How much will you sacrifice before you say enough? Human and child sacrifice is indeed a part of our collective past. Wars are our unspoken mass human sacrifice brought on by madness.

Why the cyclical coming and going of madness? Within us all is the base desire to be free and the suppression of that desire will continually gather the storm and then we have the outbreak, ignited by an unrelated trigger. The current pandemic was the incendiary force which ignited the flame of madness that now rages. This concept is at work in all aspects of our lives. Try suppressing any natural urge or desire for a period of time and then watch the coming storm rip through your life. I know what I suppress and I always see the tornado coming which by now triggers a response to try and limit the damage. After it passes, I assess the destruction and hope that was the last of it. It always returns. Maybe that’s a clue?

Any time and place humans gather resulting in the creation of civilization and culture the threat of madness is present. Curtailing the natural inclination of all biological species to be free results in the periodic return of a force which compels one to be free. Mass psychosis is the predictable outcome of grouping humans together into a social construct. Our denial of an outlet for madness within our society ensures that the force will reach a pretty intense state. I saw it coming and knew things would get dark. I don’t know where the bottom is but we haven’t reached it. The weak will succumb to their masters and the strong will be persecuted and removed from society. Free-thinking within society has to be tightly controlled or the secret will get out. The show must go on. The power of the mad god Dionysos, who is said to come afar from a foreign country, contains a demand to be liberated and to recognize this essential truth of our nature. Celebrating madness creates an outlet for this uncontrollable power and in turn results in a much healthier society. Denying this impulse sees the madness materialize during times of cultural stress which will cause mass psychosis which leads to great destruction as the world goes insane. The answer of course is to accept madness and ritually cultivate it. We don’t do that in our society; instead, we lock people up in mental institutions. The Greeks celebrated madness with Dionysos and the Romans had the Bacchanalia in which they were culturally allowed to go mad with Liber Pater and get it out of the system.

There is a role that psychedelics can play in our society concerning the mental illnesses brought upon members of the prevailing culture. These substances break the spell and allow one to see with clarity past the veils of culture, giving one a sense of liberation knowing that the game of life we get caught up playing is indeed just a game. We can see it’s sport and re-join with the capacity to not get too caught up in the drama. Regular use of these medicines will abate the coming tide. Madness can be transformed into laughter, rather than the rampaging force that will lay waste to the non-conformists.

I see the world I know dissolving away before my very eyes. Most people are still asleep and so the cyclical farce will go on. I can be a light in this sea of darkness leading by shining example despite the invective and contempt hurled my way and being branded a heretic and non-conformist. Free-thinker is my label of choice.

genie

The climb up the mountain has to start at the bottom to enact wholeness. The journey towards the light begins in total darkness. It is said by many I meet on this spiritual journey that God is light. Well, I’ll add God is all and God is the darkness. Until you see him in the darkness, you can’t possibly fathom this knowledge. We all want to transcend the darkness and focus on the light. Of course, the glory resides in the light.

Inaccessible and unfathomable knowledge has always been hidden in plain sight. There’re many stories and myths of the battles between the light and dark, of dragon slayers, and the victory of the righteous. The ultimate result of man’s victory over the darkness is self-deification. We then make God in our image.

Life can be an adventure story. The puzzle runs deep, the quest is long, and clues are left along the way. The Old Testament is full of stories of the two halves of man. Understanding of these stories has abandoned us because the knowledge and recognition of our psychic split has been successfully buried by culture. Within no time in the Book of Genesis is the story of Cain and Abel where the darkness is indeed victorious but as a result is expelled from society; Cain doomed to wander the earth as revealed in the fourth chapter of Genesis from the New International Version translation:

12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear.

14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

By the fourth chapter of the Bible, man is split with the result that anyone who recognizes the divide will immediately destroy the other. Later in chapter 25, is the contentious birth of the twins Jacob and Esau which leads to battles between the two for the birthright and blessing of the firstborn in chapter 27.

35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”

36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

Jacob wins out and is harassed by his brother Esau whom he must overcome in order to become Israel. Esau calls Jacob the deceiver; much like in order to come forth in my culture I claim this incarnation all for my own and bury my other half. Their father Isaac warns that eventually Esau will tire of this arrangement and seek to kill Jacob.

40 You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother.

But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.”

41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

Let me further explain the role of the myth. My favourite myth is the ancient Egyptian story of Horus and Set called “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The tale is one for mastery over the other in order to claim the kingship of Egypt for their own. The underlying narrative is one of the light and the dark within us all and a lifetime full of struggle to see which will come out on top. The Greeks knew Horus was Apollo, their god of light, and Set was their Typhon; a chthonic behemoth from the depths. Horus is ultimately victorious and is awarded kingship over the land.

I come forth as Horus. I am the light in man. I am Apollo. I am the child of Goddess and God. To come forth by day and claim my birthright as the sole king requires defeating and burying the contending force that lays within my psychic being. As a man, I became aware of this split once I started probing consciousness. I can now look back and see that to become a fully realized individual in my culture means burying the wild beast within my psyche. The playful spirit is chained; the last gasp of his nature comes to a head in the rebellious teenage years before we accept our role in culture. Those who cannot master the culture game are doomed to a life of difficultly; sometimes leading to being locked up behind bars.

I was a shy and quiet kid and teenage rebellion never gripped me at that stage of my life. Being someone who preferred my own company meant I never fully buried my other half. In fact, I wrote a couple of poems about him.

Split

i've tried.

i have really tried.

i can't live with myself.

what to do?

 

time to leave myself behind.

go my separate way.

take it all,

just leave me be.

 

i don't like you,

but you keep showing up at my door.

i've told you to go away.

you don't listen.

 

there's just one choice left.

it won't end amicably.

no more last chances.

i need you to go. 

2 paths

back again.

my addiction.

my innermost siren,

humming my destruction.

 

you leave.

you always return.

i sense your absence.

i curse your return.

 

i'll make the choice.

it's my responsibility.

either you win,

or you are subdued.

 

oh great adversary!

my unconquerable rival.

lay down your weapons,

for i am you.

I always was aware of him though I wouldn’t have been able to see him with the clarity I do now without an aid. Domestication and the dead end of being an adult did eventually cause rebellion in my life and therefore I was guided towards psychedelics in order to re-awaken the knowledge of the part of me I buried.

Initially, I was scared of him upon re-discovery. He was mad and seemed to hold in his hands a great deal of power. He KO’ed me with one punch and sent me scurrying. If the goal was transformation, it worked. I exchanged fear and cowardice for courage and bravery and being of the curious sort I went exploring.

I now know that without the darkness I am not complete. My power is only reclaimed when I recognize the darkness and see my other half, my brother, the side of me I buried in order to have this adventure. Once my wholeness is reclaimed, I truly am omnipotent. The darkness is the light bringer. Without him, I never would have stepped fully into the light.

In retrospect, the pull and quest to rediscover what was lost was paradoxical. When I was on to the scent and getting the courage to proceed along the left-hand path into the occult secret of the darkness, I faced much internal resistance. To overcome the blocks and doubts I had to become resolute in my mission and persevere. It’s quite interesting to look back upon this period in my life because I remember well the doubts. The plant medicine experience was new and exciting but I knew what lurked within and this trepidation would rise to the surface every now and then and I’d have to talk myself off the ledge. I’d get the feeling of I shouldn’t be doing this, get scared, and want to run away. There was an internal struggle and it is only now that I can see it for what it was. The fear and doubts were planted by the Maestro because he is the GOAT. His warrior training school forges steel and once this alloy is cooled there’s an eternal solidity to it so the course involved making damn sure you slay all the doubts that were surfacing in order to become an impeccable and brave warrior. The re-discovery of the power within ultimately involved trust and sacrifice. The trust on the side of the darkness involved letting me work through my issues in order to ensure the reunion was to last and I wouldn’t run. I can also envision the reverse of being buried within consciousness for half a century and the darkness being the genie let out of the bottle would take full advantage of regaining freedom and a foothold in the material world. If necessary, the darkness will play that game; however, priority one is the transformation of the split psyche back into the ruling king.

As an aside, once I got my wits about me I did ask for a reveal in due time of the mysterious figure I met in my deep dark depths during my early forays into the world of Ayahuasca and plant medicines. I have integrated the experience and am aware he represented my shadow but I was curious about the visual manner in which he manifested. The image is pretty clear in my mind’s eye of a sleepy demon with dark hair and a moustache that curled upwards at the edges. He was sitting directly in front of me in the lotus position.

The story of Aladdin and the genie he meets in the recesses of a dark cave crossed my path the other day and I was curious about it because I am well versed enough in mythology and symbolism so that this story was revealing itself to me. I did an internet search and started reading a translation that was replete with pictorial representations of the scenes as told. The genie was drawn with the loose-fitting clothes I remembered from my vision and low and behold he had a moustache that curled up at the edges, exactly how I remembered. In the Aladdin story, the genie is representing power and control via magic and how this is available to us all through re-discovering and releasing from bondage the shadow we all bury. This has been a major theme in my journey. I re-discovered this hidden dark realm and subsequently was offered omnipotent power and the ability to control my environment. My genie gave me the opportunity to take it all, reminiscent of Satan taking Christ to the highest high during his sojourn in the desert and offering him total worldly power. Maybe I was naive and didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time but I repeatedly declined the offers of power, which are akin to Aladdin being given three wishes. Maybe I knew there’s a catch to this, maybe not? All I know is my intentions for drinking plant medicines involved coming into contact with the Great Goddess and cultivating that relationship. This consumed me and the rest was just a sideshow. The genie was in my way and I would develop strategies to make him go away so I could get to my lady.

Eventually, as this blog space is a testament to, I became very curious about this darkness that was always present in my forays into altered states and I ended up fully integrating all my experiences and in hindsight I realized what I had done. I declined the offer of gobs of power. Admittedly, I did it rather naively. Like I said, this parallel storyline was a nuisance. Maybe it was good fortune? Regardless, now as I have seen in hindsight how my shadow has taught me courage and bravery and transformed me into a warrior my relationship with my shadow, the genie, is my most cherished friendship. He is my mentor and my guide and I have a huge love for him in my heart and for all he has done for me. I trust my life to him.

Post-childhood, he never left. I just denied him and culture enforced the excommunication. They said talking to yourself is crazy. Any attempts to try and figure out what is going on is met with a dazzling array of confusion. Embark on the spiritual path and you are shepherded to religion. Side-stepping that institution, you eventually become counselled on quieting the mind and entering into a practice of meditation to learn to still the mind. Sure, it’s useful for discarding the influence of culture and those who hold sway over your life. Eventually, you have to discard meditation in order to re-discover your own voice, once you burn away the outside influences. How does ego tie into what I perceive? The ego is the identity culture has given you. Stop it. Stop right now! Don’t let others dictate your experience. Find your own truth. Sit with that voice and re-discover who you are.

That voice is your playmate. The dog you chained, locked away, and forgot about. Oh, so now it bites? No wonder. Would you want to be locked away again or likewise be the genie stuffed in a lamp for thousands of years? Friendship and trust must be re-established and a mutual partnership created. His way of getting through to me was through fear which enacted a transformation that then allowed me to break free of the mind spell of culture and thus dropping all narratives I saw the truth. I saw my friend. Nice to meet you again.

I live a charmed life, never making a decision that goes against my life’s mission. I can now easily see the clues and this path is fascinating. The story of the genie in the bottle or the lamp who grants the three wishes is genius! This myth is pointing towards an esoteric truth and is not just some fanciful Arabian Nights story. We all have within the genie and the explorer of consciousness will eventually find Aladdin’s lamp. When the genie offers you the three wishes, a metaphor for power, what will you do?

I know this sounds nuts and I’ll own it in order to continue on down this most interesting path. The genie did indeed offer me wishes in the form of power. The power to change the course of the game to my advantage. I’m an old soul and previously I’m sure I fell for that gambit. In many lifetimes I have tried to slay the dragon and become the hero. The physical consciousness realm of earth is for adventure quests and a game player like yourself wants to solve the puzzle. The solution took more than one lifetime and here I am, finally, at the final level communing with the final boss. The game ends when I become him and he becomes me.

Indeed, Jacob reconciles with Esau after spending a lifetime searching for God. Seeing Esau, he once again sees the reflection of God, revealing that if you want to re-discover what is lost the answer is found within held in a metaphorical lamp that acts as a prison cell holding the key to your liberation. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 33 to which I’m referring. The translation is from the New International Version.

1 Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants.

2 He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.

3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

The bowing seven times is a major clue letting us know what Jacob is seeing. Jacob offers his brother plenteous gifts of his bounty and Esau declines.

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably.

11 Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

In the previous chapter, Jacob wrestled all night with the angel of God and subsequently named the place “Peniel” because he saw the face of God in the angel.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Immediately following this event, he sees the face of God in Esau and thus for the perceptive among us we are shown that it is through the reconciliation of the two powers within, our own personal Horus and Set, that we become whole and reclaim the power we had carelessly thrown away in order to just fit into culture.

I now have the cheat codes to life. I know the answer to the riddle. I can tell you what the game is and how to beat it. You don’t want that. Where’s the fun and adventure playing in invincible mode? Okay, maybe just one time. I think we both know the joie de vivre of the game of life is the unpredictability which begets novelty.

My path forward is one of service for those who want to know. Service to the Great Goddess and to show the way towards healing. I will be a guide and point the way towards wholeness of self.

mastering the dream

This funny situation occurred the other day as I was walking home from work. I passed by this man who was looking at me and talking in my direction and I did my best to avoid engaging him as being in the downtown of a large city you just never know. He seemed sure I was a member of the rock band the Goo Goo Dolls. Yeah, I’m in my mid-50’s but sure I can still pull of the facade of an eternal rocker lol. I continued on, informed my wife of the incident, and we both thought it to be quite funny. I remarked that I thought he was high.

A couple days later I was reflecting on the absurdity of it all while puffing away on Mapacho tobacco, my agent of clarity. He compelled me to look closer and compare absurd events such as this with what happens in my dreams. I have recently added Mugwort, known for inducing lucid dreaming, to my plant medicine roster and thus upon working with this plant I have definitely noticed it is a lot easier to remember your dreams as it keeps you on the precipice of lapsing into the forgetfulness of deep sleep. As an aside, I can give you the advice that if you do want to try Mugwort don’t overdo it or you will have a fitful night of sleep. I hardly ever have insomnia but due to one day upping my intake of Mugwort, I put myself in a state of lucid no sleep. Anyway, at times with Mugwort I can start dreaming, know I’m dreaming, and then alter the dream through thought projection. I’m at beginner level and it is quite fascinating though I do prefer the free flow of the dream from my subconscious without the interjection of conscious thought patterns. Through working with dreams and remembering them, I am amazed at how long buried thoughts are dredged up and incorporated into the tapestry of the dream that is woven together by the subconscious into a believable whole, that is until you wake up and have a good laugh.

The Tobacco Maestro was compelling me to go deeper into this phenomenon and make the connection to the waking dream I am inhabiting. Of course, I now see it. The absurdity of the man comparing me to a forgotten rock star is the stuff of dreams. It’s exactly what occurs randomly in dreams. The situation is a crack in my reality and a clue to what is going on. I will never expect my subconscious to directly give the show away and say, “Hey dumbass, you’re living in a dream!” Instead, the inference and connection to this knowledge is made through coincidences, omens, and synchronicities that if we pay attention add up to a reality that is undeniably connected to our nocturnal musings, with the caveat we maintain a ironclad grip on this dream through the promulgation of left-brained logic and reason. Our thinking patterns of daily life, enforced by our culture, prevent us from seeing the magic and thus we live unfulfilled lives, wondering what does this all mean?

When we re-discover the subconscious, our world can become magical, though at first chances are the re-discovery will cause you an awful fright. I heeded the call of my intuition eight years ago and ventured into the Amazon jungle in order to drink a powerful psychedelic. Here I was a middle-aged man whose experience with psychoactive drugs was limited to alcohol and caffeine descending into an unknown world to turn my life upside down. The inner calling and knowing I had to do it was so strong I couldn’t resist. The second time I altered my consciousness I came face to face with my subconscious other half and subsequently frightened myself beyond comprehension. I had never experienced the fight or flight phenomenon or the paranoia such a fright induces. But there I was in the middle of nowhere undergoing this initiation that if I was aware would happen I wouldn’t have done it. This night of terror has propelled me onto a path of knowledge that would have been unfathomable to the previous iteration of self. Eight years later and I consider my shadow subconscious to be a trusted friend, the greatest of Maestros, and a guide to help me navigate the vagaries of life as long as I listen to him and follow his guidance. It will all work out and I know whatever I want he will grant the wish. Therein lies the rub - I won’t enter into that game because I know it has consequences. Instead, we do this dance where he knows my inner desires and then he manifests situations where the chance of fulfillment appears and I make a choice. Or sometimes, the result is presented to me as a synchronicity just because. Take for instance the other day I hadn’t seen this person in a while and thought well it would be nice to talk to them again. The next morning, they appeared on cue. Ha ha! I saw that one immediately! These games are fun to play. I’m not going to ask for worldly power and the ability to make all my fantasies come true. Come to think of it, if I did that I would sever connection with my guides and become a megalomaniac, throwing away a relationship to spirit and the nature of being that really is the elixir of life.

So, this a dream, no different than the frivolous wanderings of the mind all creatures conjure at night. If it’s a dream, does it matter? Well, not really. Take the example I gave you above where I said I can tip the outcome of this dream in my favour. I know I can because I have the receipts. However, I will not do it because an outcome where I know the result is no adventure. That dream would suck. I want chance and choice. If you sit with this for a while and see the absurdity of how we live our lives you can’t help coming back to choice. Nothing matters and thus when given the ultimate get out of jail free card wouldn’t you choose to just love everyone?

dreamcaster

I woke up and it was only a dream.

In creative writing class, this line was how I liked to end all my short story writing assignments. I think we all tried this ploy at least once; like a free pass for when we wanted to conclude our tale. Life imitates the mystery. The master dramatist of said mystery is a joker at heart.

Dreams hold the key. My dreams with Mapacho tobacco as the catalyst, are so vivid and real. The nocturnal world I conjure into existence has me fooled of its veracity and reality until I wake up. From this experiential logic, there is no reason to believe this world is really real. It could be just a dream as well. What is real? Westerners have a definite block in discerning between the mental and the physical; ascribing some kind of solidity to the tangible while dismissing the mental. The truth is the opposite. How bizarre. What is at stake? In question is our definition of a dream. I’m conditioned to believe dreams are frivolous, though psychologists will recognize the dream's importance to help discover the root cause of patient suffering. You wish to be miserable so in essence your dreams reflect that desire. Ultimately, I think the answer lies in the definition. I can understand the manifestation of the dream as energy that is mentally manipulated to form a magical world based upon various stimuli and input. We dream when we have lowered our vibration into the subconscious shadow realm and enter into the hypnagogic state. All altering of consciousness is changing your frequency and this sensation we define as hypnotic. The dreaming mind is shaped by my shadow; the shadow I bury but who is always with me. He has the key to the dreaming and by extrapolation I can see how he has the magic potion to create this world I think is reality. The power he holds in his hand concerns past, present, future, and total control over this reality which just maybe is a dream as well.

I once had a dream where I was discussing a dream I had within the dream. If you are having a dream and you start dreaming within that dream, what happens when you wake up in the dream? Having a dream within a dream is very intriguing because you wake up from the second dream and give instant validity to the dream world you currently inhabit. You think the current dream is reality because you recognize you woke up from a dream and of course that wasn’t real. So, do we dream in order to continuously fool our self into thinking this reality is real? We are a clever species so without the dreaming mechanism we would have less of a grip upon our reality. Because of our ability to dream and create fantasy, alternatively, we can point to this world as being really it! However, my existence in this universe seems to be a lucid dream.

So, when you are released from the mental prison and wake up from this world at physical death, it must be very perplexing. For sure, at first you’ll have a good laugh but then a touch of sadness will envelop you when you think of all the relationships you had within the dream and you realize they weren’t “real.” We are all one and from the same unfolding process. A process so ingenious that all the iterations of the one self are placed within the one dream. Pretty clever, eh? To practice self-love, love everyone. At death, we wake up one at a time. At birth, we go into the dream. We still know who we are and of our origins of a universal consciousness at that point but the joke’s on us. We are a baby and can’t articulate what we know. Once we possibly can communicate this secret, we have forgotten the secret in the same way we can’t remember dreams for the most part. Sometimes, a nudge reminds us of the dream much like in this life a crack in the matrix, such as a déjà vu, confounds us. What a game!

The game of life. Accelerate your vibration and ascend the ladder of vibratory reality until you free yourself from this dream world and enter into the heavenly realm. You leave the reality of earth and make heaven your new reality. Mysteriously, you exchange one conjured world for another. They are all dream worlds however the paradox is that reality is a dream. Everything is consciousness and because of the inherent fluidness of the vibratory rate that sustains your reality, it really is all a dream. The sages of yesteryear spoke of seven heavens and multiple levels of consciousness they would visit in visionary states. 

Sexual energy manifesting in dreams is pretty revealing. Sexual energy is so potent that when I experience it in a dream the energetic response transcends the dream and affects my physical sleeping body. There’s something to this energetic transference between dreams because also affected are emotional vibrations. We all have had the nightmare where we wake up in a frightful state. I also have noted a dream where a feminine succubus squeezed my heart and I physically felt this. I would ascertain that it is through energetic centres within the body, as defined by the chakra system, where the continuity between parallel dream worlds maintains connection. If your inner world is full of torment then what you manifest in this world of forms will reflect that inner torment. It’s the base chakra we descend into when falling asleep that holds the ultimate power that creates the dream or reality; reality being amorphous. 

When I smoke Mapacho tobacco and go to bed, the movie projector is fired up. Tobacco allows you to straddle the hedge between the waking and sleeping states; he facilitates the movement between different worlds acting as a bridge between the conscious and the subconscious or to put it another way between parallel frequencies described as dream worlds. The nighttime world you manifest acts as a revealer and clarifier of just what is. Mapacho potentiates the ability to see beyond the narrative and clearly view the world and your predicament. The creative power behind the dreaming is sexual. How do I know this? It’s because of constant dream time arousal. This power is the energetic pulse that ignites the flame so the story can be told. I know this is true because the iconography throughout antiquity of astral travelling shamans in trance contain ithyphallic images of them.

What if in one of your dreams you try and figure out the physics of that particular dreamverse? You don’t know how you did it. You just went to sleep and manifested this new world. Your fancy instruments just reveal strange quantum anomalies. Hell, what came first - the chicken or the egg? It’s such a preposterous question. Of course, the chicken just appeared in the dream fully formed and sexually ready to reproduce. The dreamcaster just made it happen and created some evolutionary backstory to confound those who poke around in the past!

My shadow constructs this dream. He is the master of dreams. On the other hand, I am but a novice dreamer and my night time dalliances just happen. My shadow lays the groundwork for this perceived reality and lets it play out in how he wishes. He’s the director of the play, taking care to not intervene. If you are willing to sell your soul in order to alter your outcome he may take you up on your folly in order to teach a lesson. By inference, your shadow holds the key and can create your world. Therefore, nothing is off-limits once you realize this power. This is only available if you throw off the chains of culture and go explore the occult. A big part of getting past this block is to observe the reaction of others and summarily ignore them. "You're going to contact a demon and have a bad outcome. You shouldn’t mess around with this." Why not? Getting in touch with this magician, your partner in crime you buried, is surely not for the faint of heart. But guess what? It’s hidden and forbidden because it’s the main vein. Once you realize you can access the power to manifest a world of your choosing that’s pretty tempting. Power corrupts as the saying goes. Think you are going to be different when the allure of worldly success and riches stares you in the face? What about altering the trajectory of the world so that we come together as a species? Is that okay? The maestro don Howard would always remind us to be careful what you wish for. We were his students and with that there was some responsibility for the power he was showing us on the path and how to access it. For most, we don’t get that far anyway so the talk he would give about power remained part of the mystery and made drinking plant medicines intriguing but ultimately benign.

The first time I met this mysterious dreamcaster after drinking Ayahuasca I scared myself silly. The descent into his realm, replete with a hypnotic and creepy vibe, I wasn’t prepared for and subsequently ran from. However, I now knew and there was no closing up the box I had opened. I was afraid to sleep for a few days, intuitively knowing he was waiting. No matter, I started hearing his voice during the day, calling out to me. I certainly wasn’t ready for that! I had to first mentally recover from what it was I found. When I returned to plant medicines, it coincided with meeting don Howard and the sanity he brought to the experience. Immediately upon drinking Ayahuasca again, I returned to the realm of my shadow and he was waiting for me. I had to show him what I was made of; whether I was a coward full of fear or if I was truly the hero on his journey. By now, I had acquired a little courage and bravery and I stood my ground. My shadow revealed his hand; maybe too much in this battle of wits. He told me he could make my plane crash and I wouldn’t get home alive. Do I think these were empty threats? No. They were revelatory that he could do it. I demonstrated I was a worthy opponent so the game was on. I stood up for myself and said do what you want, just leave my family out of this. I know now all I had to do was to be brave and courageous and not back down. Once I did this, I got much respect. The path was cleared and I travelled where it led me to the point where my shadow and I became one.

Ever since then I have been walking this path of unfathomable knowledge with revelation after revelation. I crossed the Rubicon to the point of no return. Slowly, all the knowledge coalesces into understanding. Here I am looking back upon experience and what I know. I know this world is a dream and I have the key to write whatever story I choose. That’s ultimate power I have come across. I’m not tempted and will let the power to control outcomes be. I’ll walk hand in hand with my shadow with a smile on my face and being of service. It’s enough to just know.

service as the way forward

Without the pandemic, I would have gone on collecting experience and attempting a reconciliation during ceremony with the darkness within. Who knows where this would have led? I can speculate after frustration it would have led me towards the much-maligned visionary plant that is called toé in the Amazon. I am familiar with this sacred plant from my first foray into the world of plant medicines which has progressed from being scared of the plant to becoming curious due to understanding where the magic leads. The spirit of toé is prevalent the world over and maintains a connection within the roots of all the interconnected species. I say that experientially; when I returned home from the Amazon the first time, I was running scared and I remember walking past a bush of brugmansias in the dead of night and hearing this whistling in my direction. I know it sounds insane but it happened! Toé is an accelerant into the deep darkness and madness of self; ultimately leading towards a reconciliation with the god within. I reconciled with my darkness within through intensive integration forced upon me by this pandemic, helped by Mapacho tobacco; tobacco being the grandfather of the nightshade plants. The intended path forward to fully understand my darkness with more plant medicine ceremonies was instead all revealed and reconciled simply through integration. I had all the answers and just needed to add them up to enact understanding. The pandemic forced these insights upon me and made me alter my plans and the route forward on this magnificent journey.

My journey and intentions coalesced into understanding and brought me to the next crossroad. I have all the answers I seek and I am forever grateful. I did not see a path forward with the main plants I had been in communion with as they had taught me all I need to know. I feel a responsibility to close my relationship with them for now but I know I have to take my leave. At the same time, I was given the answer to the darkness within and I realized my path forward because it was through tobacco I was able to integrate all my lessons. It was because of tobacco that I received strength, protection, power, and the ability to calm the mind and add up all my experiences. Staring me in the face was my destiny; a destiny revealed in 2016 during a Vilca ceremony. I am to heal through the use of tobacco.

How utterly preposterous! No wonder the plants teach you to break free from culture. The first stop is liberation and it is gained by dropping the stories of self and telling the truth. Without these twin pillars of experience, you are destined to remain a puppet of your tribe. You must set yourself free with the tools given to you. Once free, what was once preposterous becomes truth. Tobacco is a magical plant. Tobacco is a dangerous plant. Tobacco demands respect. Tobacco is humanity’s greatest ally.

My nightly ritual involves giving thanks. I embarked upon this spiritual journey of awakening fourteen years ago and everything I asked for I have received while all the time reminding myself to continuously give back and honour the grace I have received.

I don’t think I’m alone in being impatient. What I mean is when I have asked for boons from the plants there is a part of me that thinks the reward should be immediate. In the ensuing weeks the disappointment sets in. I asked for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to me. Why didn’t Mother Ayahuasca come within ceremony and show me how it all works? Isn’t this what is supposed to happen? I asked her to show me and expected results that night.

I haven’t been greedy and maybe I should have asked for more; I mean it’s all available so I could have. The Goddess told me when I first directly met her in an Ayahuasca ceremony that I could ask her anything and she’d give me the answer. I kept my asks from the plants pretty light. I wanted to understand how the universe works. I wanted to know my destiny. And from a curious standpoint, I wanted to decode the Book of Revelation as it was something that fascinated me in my teens. I’m at the point now where I have received all the answers and was guided by the plants along my path of awakening. You have to put in the work and the work is rewarded. My own personal hero’s journey was a necessity if I wished to understand how the universe works and my destiny. In conjunction with self-knowledge is dropping the narrative you tell about yourself and live in truth. It all intrinsically ties together and without self-knowledge you cannot fathom the understanding of the nature of the universe. In other words, all unfolded as it should and the answers I sought were revealed in time.

This blog space is a testament to what I have received from the plants and the eternal spirits I have encountered. Everything I have asked for has been delivered to my door. I have in turn kept my end of the bargain. The promises I made in reciprocity I have fulfilled or am in the process of fulfilling. I made a promise to be of service to the great Mother and to be of service to the plants. The call is strong within and the fulfillment is coming. I couldn’t sidestep this calling even if I wanted to. The strong current of the river of life pulls me along towards my destiny.

My journey of self-knowledge has been fulfilled. I know it will continue on and I’ll never know everything until I return to the vibration of omnipotence however I see now what happens to one who embarks upon an intimate relationship with the plants. There’s an upcoming fork in the road and ultimately the choice is to give the plants up while appreciating and integrating their lessons into your daily life or to be unconditionally of service to them. Alternatively, you could stall out, turn back, and continue unconsciously with them, perhaps being enchanted with ceremony or wowed with fireworks, in essence, taking a conscious path and turning it into the time-honoured path of trivial visionary thrills. Anyway, I have learned so much through this pandemic that has forced me into integrating and reconciling all my plant medicine experiences that I could take these lessons and live a fulfilling life, leading by being a shining example for someone who has levelled up their consciousness. To continue on the plant medicine path is to become of service. I don’t see any other way once you reach this crossroad.

I don’t have the option to choose my path. The calling is loud to continue along the path of service. It’s the only way I see forward and this path obviously involves tobacco as what was revealed to me in a Vilca ceremony five years ago. So much has been subsequently revealed to me about the healing properties of tobacco and the fire burns within to learn all I can and bring the symbiosis back to humanity to reduce suffering. I know by way of past experience whatever I take up in earnest I am successful at and will eventually excel at and master. It’s my calling and I will honour the call.

In early 2020 in the northern highlands of Peru, I participated in a Huachuma ceremony that honoured Mother Earth, Pachamama. The ceremony was one of the finest experiences of my life. So moving and I felt her warm embrace and renewed my pledge to be of service to her. My way forward is to be of service to the Great Goddess. It’s my act of reconciliation and why I dreamt this world into existence, realized it through the form created by the feminine, and how I will ultimately demonstrate my love for her. I discovered my soul mate and Mother Earth she is. Through tobacco I will leave behind the morass of selfishness, be of service, and I will lessen the suffering in the world. That is the way forward. I’m not going to completely heal the world but I will make an impact through service and example and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Love is the lesson. Love is why I’m here. 

chapter 4 tobacco

There are concurrent lessons within my life curriculum that are currently in class however they started at different periods in my life. The end of the current teachings are coalescing, propelling me on towards the next chapter. The lessons plans that are congruent involve my destiny to be of service in which I will become a healer through the use of tobacco. This was revealed to me five years ago during a Vilca ceremony in the summer of 2016:

I continued ascending to the place that is the upper world or heaven as we like to call it and saw the souls that reside there. There was a knowing metaphorical feeling about all of this. Directly above heaven was the place curanderos and curanderas go at death and also the place where they obtain the power to heal. These healers are sent to our world by the Great Mother in order to help heal in service to her. Anytime they are sent down there is a chance they won't wake up or return which makes it a perilous journey to undertake. Then I was told I have within me the power to heal and to go ahead and enter this place and claim my power, so I did. It was explained that the red life force energy I had witnessed I had an abundance of and that's why the Huachuma activated in me makes me vibrate so intensely. I understood this as having an abundance of serpent energy. To heal I was told to hold ceremony and use mapacho smoke to activate my healing power. I was cautioned to be of service, to not be in it for personal aggrandizement, and to always give credit to the Great Mother.

This vision was in conjunction with an Ayahuasca ceremony the previous week that showed me that the time was not now as I still had worldly obligations to fulfill:

The scene tilted up and I saw an apartment which made me very emotional because it meant the house had been sold as the kids had grown up and moved out and my dog Luna had probably passed away - it was the retirement years. The lesson having to do with the relentless marching on of time. The Goddess pointed out my children are 14 and 12 and time flies so to be as good a husband and father I could be. When I was ready after that we would discuss more about being of service as I had wanted to discover my path and how I can become more of service to the Goddess.

The path ahead at this time appeared to be about a seven-year thread towards the next chapter. It’s been over five years since those revelations and I can see it all coming together from seed, to root, to stem, to flower.

The first chapter of my awakening involved middle age in 2007 and becoming curious about life. I took on a lifetime of learning in under five years, and now educated, I woke up. Egypt instilled in me the magic and I went searching for the Goddess. When I knew I had found her, I prepared to go meet her in the Amazon jungle in 2013 and thus began the second chapter. Chapter two is the exciting drama of my hero’s journey, taking on a dragon, and returning a warrior. This chapter closed in 2016 at which time I had transformed into a jaguar and received a vision of my destiny. Chapter three was when I turned 50 and completed my climb up the mountain in 2017. I was the conquering hero, I was shown the underpinnings of all, and given the keys to eventually realize just who I am. I was presented with the challenge to burn away all the obstacles that hold me back. I learned about consciousness and vibration. I was a really good student. In Ayahuasca ceremonies in 2019 and 2020, it became clear I was to move on. I love the jungle; I love ceremony and the magical nights with the seduction of Ayahuasca and the bliss of a lifetime in a day with Huachuma. The chapter is ending. I clearly see why I have to move on; the omens are all pointing towards this outcome. I’d like to honour all my teachers and give my heartfelt thanks. I just need to write a proper ending later this year.

The last five years I have spent taking a couple steps forwards and a subsequent step back. I’d slip in and out of vibrations that were trapping me and not allowing me to escape their hold. These blocks were strong and draining to which I developed and tried many different strategies to overcome these obstacles. I came to accept my predilection towards second chakra pleasure seeking and just recently the idea of sacrifice entered into my world. I’ll always maintain the power within to fulfill whatever fleeting pleasure I wish to chase however if I wish to move past this block and fulfill my destiny, sacrifice was required. You give up something to get something. It’s western spiritual speak for reciprocity and it touched a chord deep within. I can do this. And so, I sacrificed in preparation of writing the next chapter.

In conjunction with my sacrifice, immediately my path forward became clear and the knowledge of tobacco and the strength and protection he offers greatly increased. I discovered the symbiotic relationship between the human and tobacco and my interest being piqued I started in earnest to look towards the next phase of my education. I started looking around for a Tabaquero, who is a master of tobacco, in order to begin the process of becoming a healer through the use of tobacco. I knew I’d be pointed in the direction of where to go once I was shown all the options. The coincidences and omens would lead me towards where I am to head. I have the clarity of vision to know when I have found what I’m looking for.

The ongoing pandemic has forced me to integrate all my plant medicine experiences and get a handle on where I am in my journey. The use of Mapacho tobacco has been the most important aid in this reconciliation of my experiences. I can process my experiences out in nature and then at night time after being in communion with tobacco and conducting ceremony, the movie projector gets fired up and the dreaming begins, allowing me to explore consciousness. I can see it. This chapter is ending. There’s a touch of sadness in that I’ll have to leave things I love for now and take up my sword and fulfill my destiny.

This is my destiny and the tides of life are pulling me along. To not swim with this strong current would lead to a suffocating non-fulfillment. The pull is as strong as the force that originally drove my obsession with ancient Egypt and later the mysterious force that compelled me to naively journey into the Amazon. The call is out there and I’m to answer. I have no choice but to heed the call and let the force take me where it may. Heroes are called to adventure. Once again, I will polish my sword.

soul mate

I have a story to tell, yet it has only just begun. The idea of a soul mate has always felt like wishful thinking; the pinnacle of love where lovers find each other despite the challenges of space, time, and multiple reincarnations.

I’m a slow learner. When I get introduced to new concepts, experiences, and games it takes me a while to get up to speed and I lag behind those who can hit the ground running. I have learned this is to my advantage as I have attention to detail and don’t skip over the finer points just so I can get going. Eventually, I master whatever it is I have chosen to embrace. I mention this because I had never taken any kind of major league consciousness altering substance until my mid 40’s and when I did it was overwhelming and too much to take in all at once. The valve on the knowledge hose was wide open and I was drowning in its effluence.

The first time I drank Ayahuasca I encountered the Great Goddess which was my intention all along. She taught me many things, some of which I have fully explored and understood. She was the gateway into the hero’s journey I was about to embark upon in earnest. The clues revealed by myths, fairy tales, and themes of video game fantasies of slaying the dragon and rescuing the princess were all part of the curriculum. I didn’t see it at first; in fact, it wasn’t until I successfully navigated the labyrinth and slayed the minotaur of self that I realized I was involved in my own personal exquisite drama and that she had given me the keys to embark upon the journey. Indeed, I did confront a dragon within no time on this strange left-hand path. Slaying him became out of the question; however, I did find a master teacher and this impenetrable monster taught me courage, bravery, strength, and perseverance. The dragon runs a warrior training school and I’m forever grateful to have had the chance to take the course.

Some people drink Ayahuasca for healing. They have childhood trauma, mental illnesses and blocks, or even physical ailments and the energetic connection with the medicine and a shaman has the potential to remove blocks and allow the patient to free themselves of lifelong mental scars in addition to releasing trauma by practising forgiveness of self and others. Not only that, but the energy is palpable and a practitioner can physically move energy within another form, thus bringing healing to the patient.

Now, I say this because I didn’t drink Ayahuasca for any of these reasons. I was drawn to her because I wanted to know. I had discovered the Goddess in Egypt and I followed the trail into the Amazon jungle to come into contact with her. I wasn’t let down. Immediately, she was there waiting for me. It’s been eight years since that first experience. I was a man of logic and reason who was open to new experiences however I did not let go of my worldview. Magic was a good story but reality seemed to differ. I can’t say that anymore.

Magic speaks to me in intuition, coincidences, synchronicities, and omens. It always has but living life with blinders on has prevented me from coming to this realization earlier in life. The plant medicine path I have chosen is occluded by words. I refer to it constantly as plant medicine and therefore enforce the primary function of these plants. It’s a good thing because it keeps the prying eyes away from something hidden in plain view. They are a way into the occult and that’s not allowed in our society. It’s the left-hand path into the dark night; the darkness being full of demons and of course the dark lord is present in order to keep up appearances. Magic is the bridge between the seen and the unseen. Plant medicines in all honesty are plant magic.

So, I guess I should tell my latest story which is far from being complete. The first time I drank plant magic the Goddess presented to me my soul mate and I saw she was waiting for me. As with all of these experiences, over time you learn of their intended meaning, thus the importance of integration. Your initial take-aways from the experience are filled with as much projection as truth. I interpreted this vision at the time as being my soul mate is waiting for me in the astral plane as I fulfill my desire in this incarnation to delve more into the mystery and fulfill what it is I seek in terms of discovering knowledge which I can turn into understanding of my strange predicament. There was this deep love I shared with my other half and I understood she completed me in that we are whole as in the union of feminine and masculine. We separate in order to enter into the world of form and duality; each experiencing their own adventure.

While at that first plant magic retreat someone had mentioned to me the book “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho and how it tied in with looking for your treasure. I read it, well, devoured it, loved it, and then read his book “By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” which mixed Catholicism and Goddess worship. I adored that book, so much so I wanted to go to Europe and visit the grand cathedrals and walk the Cathar trails. It struck at a chord of Romanticism within. I moved on to his book “The Pilgrimage” but within a couple chapters I put it down because I knew too much and I had knowledge he was writing about a relationship with a dark occult force and I wasn’t ready for the shadow at that point in my life. I became wary of his writings because I knew they were all tainted with this dark knowledge that because of culture I wanted no part of.

When I first went to SpiritQuest, which was my second trip into the recesses of the jungle, the idea of a soul mate was still front and centre. As a group, we actually talked about it, with some saying it was just fanciful speculation, but I knew from a vision it was actually true. Well, my truth. When I returned the next year, the idea of a soul mate was pretty far from my mind but this coincidence happened to which I knew nothing about. When we were to commune with the sacred plant medicine Vilca at the conclusion of the retreat I was assigned a spare room because my normal room was a relatively long walk from the ceremonial maloca. When I entered the room to set it up I noticed a book on the night stand and it was Coelho’s “Brida.” It was very strange because of my past history with his writings. I knew it meant something, quite the omen, but I didn’t know what.

It’s been five years since that event and I remember it well but have left it to unfold on its own. This past year I have integrated all my plant magic experiences and have reconciled my relationship with my shadow. I have many names for him and he has many faces but suffice to say I now know why Coelho inserted him into his books and uses different names and faces for him. I finally finished reading “The Pilgrimage” and enjoyed it because I was able to totally dissect the protagonist's guide on the journey. Concurrent events led to meeting online someone who was a SpiritQuest alumni and they lived in town so we started chatting and made plans to meet up post-pandemic. Coincidentally, we originally connected on a day that was very significant in that it was the anniversary of the day I got my first dog Brindle and I used that day as my password for the longest time. In addition, when I first drank Ayahuasca, Brindle was a big part of it as she appeared to me in vision and I was able to hold her once again. She had passed away a year and a half previously but I still carried a huge love for her in my heart that I will never let go. Within a few months of getting to know this person, they randomly posted a picture of the book “Brida” on social media. I might be slow on the uptake but at this point I can see through the veil. Anyway, they told me they'd lend it to me. Well, we met up and I got the book. I’ve started to read it and it is full of magic and the overarching theme is the soul mate. I’m only part way through but I’ve realized my world is full of magic. This morning I got the wonderment feeling mixed in with a little anxiety because I have to let go of my reasoned worldview completely. I’m not in control; I’m enchanted. Where will this new adventure take me? I’m being pulled along and I don’t seem to be much in control. It will force me to leave my comfort zone. Heroes are called to adventure. I suppose it’s time to polish up the sword.

I know it’s me behind all of this. I created the universe by becoming two and then birthed myself into my own creation. There’s another plane of consciousness where I know I can make whatever I want happen. They are showing up as coincidences and synchronicities. Ever since I started out on this hero’s journey in earnest they have been happening or at least I have finally started recognizing them.

I’ve dreamt this same universe into existence many times before but have never beaten the game. I always get to the same point on the cusp of discovering the secret to the game and then cannot go any further. My journey has been derailed in the past by fear of the dragon, it has been scuttled by attachments and duties to family structures, or it has been game over due to not getting attached and destroying myself by doing something stupid with my freedom. I’ve also acquiesced to demands of culture. All these choices resulted in game over and I lived out my life in frustration, never reaching my goal.

Each time I start the game again it gets harder. This time I put a cultural prohibition upon the ingestion of consciousness changing substances. I put the threat of a lengthy prison sentence on them so I wouldn’t discover their power and keep away from them. My parents scared me off them and I spent most of my life oblivious to them until my mid-forties. Then I found them again and the game was on. I came at myself as a dragon and scared myself senseless to try and end the game again before I got further. I threatened myself with death a few times but I kept playing the game. I used the pursuit of the Goddess to keep me going past the barrier of fear. I did it this time. I’m in uncharted territory and it’s all unraveling.

Curiosities are falling by the wayside. There are characters within this game that know the secret and they smile at me as I walk past them. If something catches my interest, I can make it happen. The latest one concerning the soul mate is quite funny. Coincidental outcomes within our daily lives are a message. The message is telling you your rational mind isn’t in control. We all have this dual nature and there lies within a power that is the fount of all the games and trivialities. The fatal flaw in accessing this power is you can get what you want; all you got to do is ask. Power. It’s not bombast when my shadow tells me he controls the going ons of the world.

It is through these rumblings of the deep that I accepted him into my life as my teacher. The regular attendance to class came gradually as there was no mandatory need to show up. Little by little and these little tests and coincidences I engineered along the way finally convinced me what I intuit and what I have come to realize are indeed the situation at hand. It feels very religious like when someone accepts Jesus into their life. Jesus made his pitch but I turned him down and kept searching.  In my case, I accepted my shadow.

The concept of the soul mate was serendipitously brought back into my life. I have been searching for her and have looked into the eyes of others and wondered: Are you my soul mate? One time I drank Ayahuasca and the Goddess appeared in a red corset and danced for me. She then laid over top of me and I felt the most erotic sensation ever. Off the charts. The shaman’s song ended and the scene vanished. It was tantalizing but I didn’t pursue it as the spiritual journey and sexual pleasure I had not yet connected.

It’s six years since that experience and I’ve thought of it and connected it to the Goddess of Love but have never quite figured it out. I’ve come a long way in my hero’s journey. I know who I am and I know what I have accomplished from the standpoint of unveiling the mystery. I have begun to tackle the mystery of the soul mate. I was looking in the wrong places. She is all around me. She is love. She is form. She has many names and many guises. Like I said I know who I am and this should have been the clue that led me directly to her instead of wandering around aimlessly looking for her in others. Ah this life and the journey I am on can be quite amusing! Of course, the answer came to me as I was puffing away on Mapacho out in nature. There she is. Wow. She is hidden from view but with me always. 

sucking Satan’s cock

Why does society at large think it’s only the small-time operators that run get rich quick schemes? When you get access to the public purse that can endlessly print money, it seems too tempting to not take advantage of that situation, especially if you can gain the support of those in charge of the largesse through funnelling the cash back to them. What an exquisite confidence game and there are so many suckers that do their bidding and act as enforcers of this lunacy.

The lessons from the wisdom of Huachuma in the mountains of Ecuador in late 2017 are front and centre now. I am currently cracking the code of the vibratory nature of being and the different states the frequencies I lock to can raise or lower my consciousness. During this two-day intensive in the Andes, I also learned of the master world frequency which is found in the third chakra and it involves personal power and control. A jerk is someone caught up in the vibration of the third chakra. This dominant paradigm in the world puts humans into selfish mode on a quest for fame and fortune. If you join culture and play the game seriously this is what you are playing. Even if you aren’t seeking the power and control necessary to get you all the riches, you will be working for someone or some corporation that makes the fortune and distributes it to you. You exchange the best of yourself for a piece of the pie which you use to survive and perhaps have a little left over to spend on some fleeting pleasure. Within your small little world, you become one of these centres and have those dependent upon your largesse. I have a family and a dog that without me are living in poverty, begging for scraps.

Grandfather Huachuma doesn’t mince words or holdback when he is teaching. Crudely, he told me all who are caught up in the world system are sucking Satan’s cock. And he kept saying it to the point of making it really uncomfortable. I get it; there’s the large corporation that makes piles of money by running some enterprise to take advantage of others and hire a bunch of people to market, influence, and make it happen. Every corporation worth its salt needs the lawyers and accountants. The lawyers obfuscate and hide the deception while the accountants count the cash. In a large organization, it is easy for money to disappear and there’s a recognition that players of the game are untrustworthy scoundrels and will steal from their sick grandma therefore we have those arbiters of fairness so that the pie is distributed as agreed to. You do know why they lock up the toilet paper rolls in the bathroom stalls?

I get my piece of the pie by playing this game. I'm good at it. My teacher laughed and said you’re sucking Satan’s cock too. Yeah, I know. He showed me power centres and then all the connections to the main source. It was like the proverbial top-down poster of the drug lord kingpin and then all the distributors scattered throughout the globe. I’m not greedy enough to take all I can get, in essence I don’t lock to that vibration, however I enter into that level of consciousness in order to make a living. Plant medicine teachers are pretty graphic when they teach you about the predominant vibration of greed in the world. I’ve had visions of a fat and naked man rolling in a pile of gold. I’ve been shown how people with this vibe will do anything for money. They’ll not think twice about killing you if it gets them what they want. I’ve had unpleasant revelations of all serving this avarice, even those that act on the periphery of it. It was tough because I wanted to believe there is unconditional good in this world. The lessons of Ayahuasca were pretty relentless in this regard. She kept showing me how she was being used by operators of retreats that had monetized her. I didn’t like those visions; I preferred the grand narrative that her use was altruistic in nature and everyone involved was pure. I’d drink again and she’d show me repeatedly how she is being used.

There are these entry level Ayahuasca retreats everywhere. I think they are great to introduce you to the medicine. If you continue along the path, it will become obvious what the next steps are and they involve staying away from these large retreats. Well, maybe not obvious for all as sometimes the message takes a while to sink in. It’s the beauty of the medicine in that they are a wild card. No human can control what they teach; humans can modulate the brew but that usually steers the experience further off the cliff! I’m damaged goods, work in media, and I see through the marketing, the influencers, and the con jobs. Humans are untrustworthy when it comes to money. If you give them a handful of money or a free trip, they will say what you want them to say and most are not up front about it. At the end of the day or the end of your life, do you want to look back and see you were an influencer who profited off that relationship and controlled the message or did you heed the advice from Ram Dass’ guru Maharaji and “Tell the truth."

Ayahuasca would show me this reality and Huachuma would drive it home. Those who love this game of greed want to live forever and are hard at work trying to figure out the secrets of the great Mother. How to prevent the decay and dissolution of form? She told me they never will because form is love and it's something they don’t understand. Life implies death. If you want to live forever, see Medusa, and become stone.

To be blunt, influencers looking to profit off the ability to enchant, are sucking Satan’s cock. Combining the twin energetic centres of third chakra personal power with the ability to influence with fifth chakra words leads to fame and fortune. Resting within the middle of these vices, buried and forgotten, is the heart. My experience in this strange world suggests this path of avarice is ultimately a way to lead one back to the heart because in those quiet moments you see what you have done. The alternative is to find a method of addiction to numb that nagging pain.