voiding the warranty

I think taking a psychedelic probably voids the warranty on life in our society.

Psychedelics have vast potential to expand the human mind. At first use, I wasn’t ready for it and it red-lined my mind. The fear of what I had discovered was difficult to accept and transcend as culture had spent a lifetime putting one over on me. Once I discarded the fear, the growth of my mental capacities increased exponentially. So much so, I clearly notice it. Age has slowed me down but the difference in mental clarity and perception has made up for it and although I may not have the raw energy and processing speed of youth, the acquisition of a 360 degree mind is incredible. A valid comparison would be the wide angled lens of a camera that allows the image plane to see and record more of its surroundings as opposed to a long lens that is limited in scope. The expansion of consciousness through responsible and impeccable use of plant medicines, allows for a widening perspective of knowledge that in turns allows you to synthesize what you know with new acquisitions of knowledge. This leads to an eventual greater understanding. In time, you develop such an expanded base of understanding that you can easily apply it towards all subjects.

Sound is only sound because we use our ears as instruments that convert certain frequencies into what we perceive as sound. Same goes for the eyes and vision. So, take this idea further and think of the concept of not having any senses or peripherals to convert the energy. Everything just becomes vibration as an informational structure either waiting to be decoded or perhaps being able to be sensed by yourself free of the limitations of the body. Therefore, it is us who really brings this whole construct into order by perceiving it as such and subsequently objectifying the energy patterns we perceive. We then act upon this knowledge. This is also the illusion that imprisons us.

Further ruminating on the concept of vibration: To rest in peace is imperceptible vibration. It means to stop perceiving the vibrations as objects and to just let them flow. The opposite of rest would be a brilliant white light of wide open perception followed again by the darkest dark. The in-between state is the act of becoming on the rise. The descent is a return to the vibrational depths where we let go of our senses. What is it that we seek - becoming what? Peace or Enlightenment? We can find glimpses of both within the body construct which can host extremes of our multi-vibrational forms. We are always becoming. The vast potential lies within the darkness and it's not all bad despite fears to the contrary. Everything that becomes has as its beginnings the cauldron of ideas waiting to be stirred by the existential ladle of consciousness. We are big balls of light energy, lit up by desire; a desire fuelled by consciousness that in default mode objectifies. When you feel it within that you as defined by your energy will rise again, because it is all cyclical, then you can start to discard fear. This is the symbolism: Breathe in and you manifest in the physical world and become someone as form. Breathe out and you rejoin the world of spirit minus the form of a body.

Each instance of this consciousness creates a reality. Every conscious form is an axis mundi that creates reality from its perspective and thus as a whole, consciousness has infinite eyes peering into the nature of the grand self. Everyone’s perception of reality is a little different but given that we all lock to the same frequency, at least in our social circles, we manifest the same reality. Different cultures will lock to different vibrational modalities and therefore will manifest a civilization that differs from the one we are accustomed to. The spectrum is pretty tight, therefore we can co-exist effortlessly within other societies' reality and many of us get sucked quite easily into other people’s worlds. We are all bombarded by the mainstream media and advertisers daily, who are pushing their brand of reality in order to hypnotize and trap us into their frequency with the intent of taking advantage of how easily we migrate from one mind control to the next. Its tentacles reach out for our minds to try and drag us into the quagmire. For the most part, human minds are in search of novelty so the capture of the mind doesn’t last long as we all eventually succumb to attention deficit disorder. Unfortunately for some, the hypnosis can last a lifetime. We do have a choice in how and what defines the reality we are creating. Different frequencies of vibration allow you to alter your consciousness and your perceptions.

This is both a blessing and a curse. Creation is fuelled by desire and us wanting to continue to manifest to taste the new scenarios we concoct in our minds and the chase for the thrill of it. Desire keeps the wheel turning and allows us to continually examine the problem of self. Our fatal flaw is we always get caught up in the drama and forget who we are which fuels the anxiety and depression that are keystones of our existence. Once again, without the amnesia the game loses its lustre. When you wake up and see what’s going on, the game stays fresh because everyone else is still asleep and running around like it matters. It’s very easy to re-enter the game and play along with the knowledge that it is all going to work out.

If we subconsciously know of the suffering that duality entails then why are we attracted to it? It’s for the adventure and having a playmate. Something external to the self that you can love and even hate. There is nothing more rewarding in the universe than love. Duality presents unfavourable conditions to love with the gamble that all can go horribly wrong. The way out is love and is teaching us the answer to all of life’s vexing questions. Duality is made up of conditions where we constantly have to choose and this leads to the need to act unconditionally. It brings to the forefront the question of what exactly is it to be free? No conditions and no coercion, whether that is coming from external actors or internal desires. What is the highest love we strive for? It’s unconditional love; in essence free love. What’s my biggest regret so far in life? That I didn’t love more.

Liberation is to be free from conditions and desire. It involves self-mastery where you are in charge - not desire, culture, or any external actor. It’s a great gift to give yourself and it is the root of all becoming. To attempt to become ultra-spiritual, holy, enlightened, or whatever you want to call it without first mastering your own bad self, will lead to frustration and inner doubts fuelled by what a hypocrite you are. Climbing the spiritual mountain as an ascetic or a renunciate of the passions of life puts you in denial and eventually there will be a reckoning if you do not first run out the clock and avoid the confrontation. The only way out is to go on through. Head into the darkness and embrace all your passions, desires, kinks, worries, fears, and all that you bury. They are ideas that have somehow taken hold of you and won’t let go, as I said we are easily hypnotized into disparate siren songs of behaviours. Smash through theIr grasp and then see how easily you can move from desire to desire. Eventually, you will see how each one irrationally takes hold of you and the damage it causes to your life. Having desires is perfectly normal; beholden to their grasp is not. Life class involves self-mastery and it is through learning to master your desires you become free. When you destroy the power that the desire demons hold over you then you are liberated and may embark on whatever path you choose, knowing full well that you are acting unconditionally.

my muse

The best games and thrills are the ones where you let go of control. And the ones where two eternal familiars disguise knowledge of their acquaintance and convince themselves they are strangers. You search and find the connection again, not even knowing what you started off looking for. Once you repeatedly find her and are on to the game, then you start putting out the vibration that reveals you know. You find her hiding everywhere.

 

There’s no mistaking her presence when I alter my consciousness. However, the feminine presence encountered in an Ayahuasca ceremony isn’t necessarily the same monolithic energy, even with the knowledge that in fact she is the mistress of transformation. The manifestation of the feminine in ceremony consistently presents within the role of women in this created world and my life. The roles in ceremony are pretty much as advertised: maiden, mother, and crone. This division is found in the mythology of our heritage in the threefold nature of the Greek goddess Hecate.

I obviously identify the maiden with my soul mate because of the intense attraction which belies this connection. As the Goddess she is highly, nay I say insanely erotic, due to a resonance of the energy between us. There is also a mother who is nurturing and grandmother who is full of wisdom and healing. She appears in other forms as well; sometimes to terrify, enchant, or teach. I have also encountered her as a serpent and a jaguar; with the serpent representing the wave vibration that creates creation and the feminine jaguar being complementary to my masculine self. The mother is the mother of all and she is the one common to all drinkers of Ayahuasca.

 

I find her not only in ceremony but also in everyday life. She has always been in my presence although I couldn’t see it. I fall in love with her over and over again. The thrill of the chase and discovery is too strong. Giving in to the passion will satisfy the urge but the result is the flame will die out. We have played it out many times. There’s no escaping it so on we go, fooling ourselves into thinking we are strangers, perhaps fated once again to meet and fall in love.

class

Desires we all have and left unchecked they will motivate and control your actions. Eventually, you will become a puppet and slave to desire; it's built into the system, system being culture. For the player of the game of life, they are a challenge beyond compare and for those with the foresight to see it, a teaching tool. Master your desires, lest they master you. They will amp up the game to what you desire and always require more. If you wish to increase the stakes and face your destruction, then it’s game on! Ultimately, the best way to learn is to face adversity and the optimal way to grow is to head into the darkness of self. Living at the top of the mountain, bathed in light, is a great experience for sure but in the end it will make you soft. Renunciation and asceticism are a cop-out. I know, I tried it and found out those desires you tried to run from were always waiting for when you fell. It’s no fun knowing deep down you are a hypocrite. There was no transcendence of my own bad self; instead I just put off the inevitable reckoning. What a difficult struggle and psychological predicament. I couldn’t shake the demons though I wanted desperately to rid myself of this curse. What to do? The frustration was beyond anything I had ever faced.

The darkness always gets its turn; the desires of life always return. They follow the timeless pulsation of life, so be ready for it, study it, and when the time comes you become the master instead of the puppet. Facing your desires is the greatest teaching tool because you realize it’s life and death. Seriously, think about it. Examine your desires and the pull they have on you and how if you fall prey to them they will drag you down into the dumpster and kill you or alternatively to realize desires of power and wealth you will have to step on others and stomp them out to reach that goal. I won’t give you an example here but just let you sit with this idea. Think of your greatest desires and play them out to where they are leading you and what it will entail. The greatest teacher has to raise the stakes. You can deny this is the case for only so long until the day comes when the last step is before you. Will you snap out of the hypnosis or double down?

Chasing desires are a form of hypnosis in that when you break free of them and become the master you look back and realize your behaviour was being influenced by a pull that was not exactly rational, not to say that actions always have to be rational. Culture leads you towards desire fulfillment but also makes you suppress natural desires. You essentially become a puppet of culture and some play the fame and fortune game it pulls us towards. Our gastronomic fantasies are waiting to be fulfilled and will entrap those with a predilection towards mouth pleasure. Alcohol is available to bewitch those easily addicted to escapism. The seedy side and outcasts of society exists to feed the suppressed sexual and pharmacological desires.

In relation to desires, I was meditating upon purpose again. Fundamentally, there is no purpose or meaning to existence. It just is. There is nothing you need to do; nor do you need to save yourself. You are eternal and will continue on in the journey. Don’t worry about annihilation. However something still nags at me. You see, I have incarnated and I am faced by these challenges. I need to overcome these desires or perish. It’s a peculiar situation related to where life on earth currently stands. As a species, we have solved a lot of the food and shelter problems as long as you participate in culture therefore there is ample time to ponder purpose and chase desire. I still look within and wonder: I could be better; I could level up and master my humanity. A good parallel is my employment. I have mastered it. I know it and nobody has to tell me I have. There is no doubt. Imagine transferring that mastery to life? I know the scope is much larger but it is a lifelong project and really what else do I have to do? Why not?

I have taken note that we all have wants, needs, and desires, no exceptions, and I know personally I have been a slave to my desires. A lot of times, it’s all or nothing. I could drink a cup of coffee in no time flat. A bottle of beer used to disappear fast. Buy a big chocolate bar or a big bag of chips and within no time I’d eat the whole thing. I could discipline myself to make these occasions treats, however once involved there would be a head first dive into the situation. I always held back a bit from the temptation of going full on into hedonism. Was it shame, health concerns, or my own way of keeping things fresh and balanced while holding back something to look forward to?

Another thing I’ve noticed is the need for always more. One bottle of beer isn’t enough. I stopped drinking over seven years ago because I realized where that was headed and if I ever wanted to accomplish anything in my life I’d have to give up the stultifying effects of alcohol. It wasn’t hard to do and I had no desire to go back to that lifestyle. With other desires and habits, I see the same demand of more to feed the demon or fetishize the pleasure. We humans are so easily hypnotized into behaviours. We are weak.

My spiritual journey of over a decade has been pretty rewarding. Facing fear head on was huge and coming out victorious is pretty special, especially when I was faced with being a coward and being stomped out. I’m a jaguar, a warrior, I have courage, and I’m not weak. I know it deep down in my soul. I have strength and will take on all. I feel like I’ve been through the fires of incarnation in a process to forge steel. If anything, that has been the purpose of my life. Transcending limiting behaviours and growing into the ultimate jaguar warrior has been a goal. Albeit an unconscious goal at first that takes a lifetime but here I am post middle age knowing I’m on that path. 

The most challenging teacher as the catalyst for this transformation has been the darkness that lies within. The Hindus in their chakra system of Rāja yoga, call it the base Muladhara chakra and it's where you will find the great Sri Ganesha.

The power from this base chakra is what animates our existence and is in the bowels of our being, with a connection to excretions. When I went to Peru early this year and drank Ayahuasca, the first ceremony took me deep into my darkness. The vision was one of a toilet and the depths of this hell. What a direct metaphor! I’m constantly amazed at the visions and their meanings which gives me months, and years, of a challenge to unravel the symbolism, teachings, and relationship to my journey. The teacher has put me to the test and challenged me to go deeper into my addictions, taunted me, threatened me with death, and hounded me with my desires. As long as the ganas, Hindu desire demons, controlled me the spiritual beatings would continue. It took me a long time to get the upper hand on all of it. It was a relentless battle, full of constant failure but when I finally won I pretty much knew it immediately. It’s that intuitive knowledge of mastery I related earlier about work. 

Another name for the great Ganesha is Ganapati, which basically means lord of desire. Ganesha is the master. He appears with his fat and satiated belly and a bowl of sweets, reminding you of desires and our western seven deadly sins. He is the master of the ganas and they are desires placed in your path to teach you. The renunciate, sitting atop the mountain in his asceticism, has fled from them thinking he can run out the clock on desire. This school of life involves mastery and it’s a serious game. You must master your desires it you want to become the ultimate warrior.

I have had a massive realization concerning the darkness I have dealt with all my life and the darkness I have faced when I have altered my consciousness. At first, I feared this realm and the entity that inhabited it. I ran from it. I returned and I faced up to it. I was threatened, challenged, avoided it, watched it come back, and realized I could never transcend it. Most importantly, I kept at it. Once I had the courage, I became curious and inquisitive. I have been relentless, though a little guarded. Anyways, I am at the point where I finally realized something amazing. It’s a huge test of strength and courage. Fear will constantly challenge you and get you if you are weak. It will run you into the ground and turn you into a cowering mess and even try to kill you. It’s definitely not something for the timid. I get it now. On this path, most come to a fork in the road: Stop and take the path back to safety and give up the seeking or head right to the light, climb the spiritual mountain, and become holy and righteous, though somewhat intolerable. Nobody sees the hidden path on the left or they pay no mind to it. It’s dark, uninspired, unpaved, and full of obstacles. Keep going where the path heads into the dark and carve out the path no one dares to tread, or if they do they get lost or seduced by power. I’ve been there, survived, and I know the darkness within respects me because I have courage, resolve, and I see it for what it is. It’s the ultimate challenge and it’s where you will find the greatest source of available inner fortitude and strength. It’s unassailable. I stand at the ready to claim my inheritance. The last hurdle in my way, bent on destroying me, I have defeated. I’m ready now.

If there can be ascertained a purpose to life then this has to be it; well in the case of my coming forth in this incarnation as a member of the masculine polarity. I finally mastered my desires before they decimated me. It was a helluva battle. I feel so strong right now. I can’t rest on my laurels or accomplishments. I’m heading into that darkness and exploring. You see no one has ever done this. Those who touch and engage in a dalliance with the darkness are the insane and depraved. I’ve declined the offers of power and defeated the onslaught of the army of my own making. I’m unencumbered, free, and taking notes.

Suicide, insanity, depravity, and paranoia. Going into the darkness of one’s self is pretty much up there with having a cage match with a shark in an underwater arena. And you have no scuba gear. You are going to get knocked around, bloody and beaten. Sometimes we foolishly venture into the ring and other times life beats us down into the depths of despair from which we can’t escape. The all-encasing suffocating despair is deadly. What I’m trying to say is the darkness either kills or psychologically alters you forever. I fall into the fool category and I saw it and I ran. It profoundly affected me psychologically to the point where I had to fight back and then muster the courage to face it once again. Something though happened along the path and I discarded the fear. I was still gun shy though about the whole return. Eventually after levelling up to embrace the jaguar and become a warrior, I traced this stunning evolution of self back to the darkness. I understood it was the master teacher. This readies the student to now go further.

Our western concept of a demon involves thinking it is evil. It represents those behaviours and desires that haunt you. The devil made me do it. Desire led me to this behaviour. It’s an antagonist and adversary bent upon your destruction. Look at it another way and find the truth. These evil spirits are your greatest teachers. So great they will kill you if you ultimately fail the course. Best to drop out than continue on this path.

Go into the darkness, embrace the riddle, as here the mystery lies. You can't bypass the darkness. Running from fear, owns you.

In the battle with the adversary within, at one point he offers the shortcut to power. Most will take it; it’s the easy way. Power acquired this way has consequence. Giving into desires and accepting unearned power reveals instantly you aren’t worthy. It’s a device used by the master teacher to discover your true intentions. Power will only not corrupt when wielded by someone who has attained self-mastery and will not give in to the temptation to use the power to fulfill desire.

It’s warrior training school to transform you from being weak into a forged block of strong steel. The darkness within can become your ultimate ally and source of unmatched inner strength and fortitude. The only catch is it doesn’t suffer weaklings. You will be put to the test and want to run and hide. He will keep coming for you, especially once challenged. It’s the fight of your life. You can back down and go cower in the corner and hope he doesn’t come for you and end it. If you can muster the courage and stand up for yourself, take the punches, and fight back you’ll earn respect. It’s not over. Forging steel is tough work. The jaguar comes to check out its prey and see if you are willing to fight. You’ll still think of ways to transcend the darkness, give it up, and become pure and holy. Fair enough but that was your chance. Hardly anyone makes it this far as something sidetracks or gets you. If you keep going eventually you’ll realize it. You can never transcend the darkness but you can harmonize it with the light. Only then do you get let in on the secret. A vast reservoir of strength and power lies in the darkness.

The fight of my life is over; I’m through to the other side. My weaknesses I have moved passed. I can navigate my inner word now with impunity and am free to explore this gift.

I’m not sure I can teach this to others. It’s hard to recommend, embrace, or explore something that can kill you. That’s better left to individual choice. Counsel can be offered and hints provided of what lies within however everyone has to make their own choice whether they want to pursue it. The pitfalls are too serious to take responsibility for someone’s choice. And I think the only way through is by yourself. I’ll can lend you a flashlight. 

warrior

Why do the lessons of Ayahuasca begin in full on classes months before I go drink again? I understand the integration period and the importance of continuing with the lessons received from the previous round of work. I understood where I was on the path of becoming a fully realized human being and knew I was avoiding a full on trip into the darkness of self. I had become brave enough to take brief forays into it and peek below, somewhat satisfying my curiosity, however I’d never fully gone back as I’d leave a lifeline that would get me out of the labyrinth and I was still guarded a bit. The time has come to revisit the horrors of my original forays into the world of plant medicines now equipped with knowledge and understanding. I set my intention for my next journey hopefully in 2021 to explore further the nether regions of self. As always happens, the preparation for in-person class comes fast and furious.

Jaguar training school is run by the darkness that lies within to train the human to release the jaguar out into the world. The darkness is not malicious; I know that now. It is relentless and can be perceived as malicious but understand it is tough love, so tough it can be deadly to enter into its advanced teachings. The teaching methods of the darkness are unique, somewhat cruel, and the training wheels are off in that it can kill. To forge steel is a heavy process and there will be casualties along the way. This isn’t for everyone; in fact I’d reserve it only for a select few. You will be exposed to everything that makes you tick and it will be intensified. You will be in a fight for your life as you confront everything. You will curse the darkness and try to bury it within again. Nothing is off the table in terms of outcomes. If you want to run - run. If you want to become an alcoholic to numb the pain and escape - drink. If you want to castrate yourself to escape desire - cut. If you want to run towards comfort - eat to obesity and numb the mind on culture and social media. There are no requirements to continue on the path and many ways off. I don’t know about you but I was never comfortable with failure. I was extremely uncomfortable however with the darkness that lies within.

Over a year before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I wrote a poem about the darkness I perceived bent on destroying me.

I wanted to get rid of it and was at the point in my life where the crossroads of existence became centre stage. I was primed to start climbing the mountain towards enlightenment in order to receive my holy robes and be declared a winner of the game of life. I started searching for the meaning of life and wanted to transcend the human. It’s an exercise in frustration and I constantly was interrupted by the darkness within, always at my side, laughing at me and my fellow humans for their folly. I found plant medicines and went off in search of transcendence that way as a shortcut to my beatitude. My second time drinking Ayahuasca I was punched in the gut. The resulting beat down and paranoia chased me back home to live out life a cowering mess. I had a choice in whether I wanted to accept defeat or get up off the mat and fight. In reality, I had no choice if I wanted to live life fully. If I didn’t want to fight back I’d have to find a way to numb consciousness. Eventually, step by step, with the help of the feminine divine I battled back. I got pretty good at it and was able to right the ship and continue the journey. The darkness was still lying in wait; however it was abated while I figured out my plan of action.

I went back to the jungle to confront the darkness. I was scared and sat in the first ceremony prior to drinking wondering why I was back and going through this? I wanted to run again. Little did I know this mountain of a man was sitting beside me to my right, smoking away on mapacho, who would help me on this path with his encouragement and positivity. It was help that was huge and beyond anything I could ever payback. I was immediately confronted by the demon. I stood my ground that night and earned respect. In a way, the darkness accepted me as his student that night though I wasn’t aware I had enrolled.

I have subsequently been challenged with being strong, brave, courageous, and standing up for myself in both ceremony and in life. I have definitely not received straight As. I mean who really could? This is serious and difficult life lessons. My third visit to the jungle and successfully navigating the treacherous waters resulted in my transformation into a jaguar. Ultimately, the darkness is teaching you to become a warrior and invite you into the order of the jaguar. I got my spots for my courage. I faced the darkness and then was charged by a jaguar. I stood toe to toe with that jaguar and he became me. What a rush. It’s something I’ll cherish forever and a graduation planned out to perfection. That’s why don Howard coined the sanctuary SpiritQuest.

School was by no means finished. Higher education beckoned. I demonstrated I had the fortitude to be successful though I still had a lot of work to do. The darkness flooded me with all the desires and behaviours that were holding me back; so much so it was overwhelming at times. I cursed the darkness, wondering when it would ever stop? I wanted to be a shining example for everyone. I knew love was the ultimate answer. I could project that but lying within was still my humanness. How do I get past that? It’s lying within and making me a liar.

To become a warrior is hard work. Strength of steel comes from being battle-tested in life’s foundry and facing one’s own demise. Gladiators aren’t anointed and coddled or issued certificates acknowledging their bravery. It’s strange that I didn’t realize this seven years ago. I defined the darkness as being an adversary instead of being a teacher. The greatest teacher I have ever known. Without the darkness I could not lay claim to the following:

Courage

Bravery

Strength, not being weak

Standing up for myself

Confidence

Fortitude

Resolve

Rising to the Challenge

These attributes are the domain of the darkness that lies within with an assist from the heart. This is what the teacher wants to teach you. It is a difficult path and he will stalk and kill you if you do not transform. He will dig down deep into your soul and pull all that shit up and make you confront it. He will imbue it with power and have it relentlessly stalk you. I slowly passed each test and was left with one more to go. I remember the night it happened last month. I finally broke free of the spell of culture and tasted complete freedom. I knew it immediately. This battle was over. I am a warrior. I now wait to return to the jungle to see what’s next. As don Howard would say, “There’s always more."

Onward ho! The journey continues towards becoming an adept of the darkness. 

within the one is found the two

The spiritual chorus preaches the one. Everything is derivative of the one and all of creation can be folded back into the one. To express this one, us humans have come up with a bunch of terms, including the polarizing concept of god which we in turn fetishize and transform into an object of worship and sometimes assign to an ideal that is used for human pursuits of power and monetary gain. The understanding of your place in all of this is your connection to all, in that not only are you a product of the universe but you are indeed the universe and from your perspective you are a point of that universal consciousness that is looking out upon itself. It is not only an empowering vision of creation but it also lowers anxiety about what happens to you when the body dies. If you like adventure then I wouldn’t worry about what happens next. You can go even further with this concept and discard the one. Grasping at the one is still objectifying and truthfully there are no objects. We delineate what just is, conjure duality, and selectively take subjective forms of energy and solidify them into objects.

Okay, I think the above is a pretty good explanation of what heady spiritual people preach, if I do say so myself. In our culture, science is king and therefore in modern spiritual pursuits we try and reconcile the two. Using core concepts of Eastern philosophy allows us to bridge the gap and transform the woo into nuanced metaphysical speculations that allow consensus and eschews wishful thinking. This is all well and good however I like to push the envelope past the chains of what others think. I want experience and subsequently I want to put the experience through my filter and come up with my own concepts.

I have walked the desert sands of Egypt and explored their pyramids and majestic temples. I’ve sweated in the jungles of the Amazon basin. I’ve climbed mountains in the Andes and visited valley temples. I’ve spent a night out in the arid and unforgiving wilderness of the American southwest. I’ve ingested multiple plants that have altered my consciousness enough that I know there are many dimensions to this magical mystery tour we call life. I’ve tried to figure it all out. I’ve tried to grasp this elusive enlightenment. I’ve wondered where do I get my certificate telling me I’ve made it?

I understand the philosophy and I feel the universal connection. It’s undeniable. My experiential journey suggests instead of the one, all truth lives at the door of two. We are a reductionist culture and because of this, one is the holy grail. For me, it’s two and everything is derivative of the two. I’m talking about the divine feminine and divine masculine and their coming together creates the one which then reflects back out as a multiple duality of many twos. Envision this construct that comes from the mind of a human, if you will. It is a centre-point that contains two polarities. As a flow chart, the two as the divine feminine and masculine come together into the one which brings you to the unified centre-point. From the centre-point flows out all of creation into multiple instances of this duality into creation. The two must become one before they become the many.

I see this in ancient Egypt as the great mother and her son, who is also the father; this peculiarity known as kamutef, the bull of his mother. In their literature and on temple walls, I see it also expressed in the concept of creation emanating from an androgyne source that contains the sacred two. In the Ennead of Heliopolis, of which this dual-sexed god Atum is at the head, it is said that the masculine light source Shu and the feminine water source Tefenet are always with and are Atum. The androgyne is the combination of the two and there is no getting around it. Even in the word hermaphrodite is presented in clear view the union of two great deities in the Greek wisdom god Hermes and Aphrodite, the goddess of love. These two go back into the hazy scrolls of history to the beginnings of Egyptian thought and the primordial beginnings of the Ogdoad at Hermopolis where the Egyptian counterparts of these two, Thoth and Hathor, stand at the head of all creation that comes forth from the primordial swamp of 8-town. The concept of union and attempts at artistic expression is depicted on temple walls such as this painted relief masterpiece inside the Khonsu Temple at Karnak temple.

The dual-sexed Kamutef

I see this concept in the sacred mesa of the Andes where the reconciliation of the two gendered polarities brings everything back together into the centre at the axis mundi. The great stone idol of the Chavin temple, the lanzon, brings together the feminine and masculine in this depiction of the sacred world centre.

Lanzon in the temple of the jaguar at Chavin

The temple grounds are made up of dualistic constructs such as the set of black and white limestone stairs leading to the temple as well as finding dualistic principles in the raised and lowered opposite hands of the idol in which the masculine points to the upper world and the feminine to the lower world. The temple grounds rest at the meeting point of the coastal and jungle civilizations in a valley where two great rivers merge into one. This reconciliation of all was called tinkuy. Achieved is balance and from this position the healing can be empowered and love for all can flow. In the jungle are the symbols of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar. There are exoteric and esoteric understandings of the two.

Those that live off the land and in primitive dwellings we culturally denigrate as simple. Simple people paradoxically have the most profound symbolism. The modern symbolism from our culture of excess is bereft of ideas and suffering from malnutrition. Hidden in the jungle is the most profound teaching accessed by the brave and the courageous. I’ve searched high and low but never have I come across such a direct communication of what it is all about. Obviously, the serpent is feminine and the jaguar is masculine and they are ubiquitous symbols of the jungle. It’s a pretty simple exoteric depiction of life, creation, destruction, and renewal.

There were big teachings this last time through Peru earlier this year in the jungle that carried on into the Andes mountains. It included the direct experiencing of and understanding of the life force common to all, that connects us all, that originates from a common feminine and masculine vibration symbolized as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent creates the vibrational body that undulates from on to off and the jaguar traverses this path. The jaguar moves freely. As visualized and communicated by Hindu adepts of yesteryear, when you raise your consciousness and enlighten all the subtle body chakras, energetic touch points you break free of, you meet the jaguar who roams the chakras as an expression of the power of the kundalini serpent which in the pre-Columbian South American religious thought are the three shamanic worlds. And finally you become the jaguar.

Everything comes from this one vibration with vibrations within each vibration. It pulses from off to on. Creation is the pulse with two extreme states and everything in between. From a holistic point of view it is one vibration. Within the one is found the two. The one can’t be without the two. The two always have their opposite. Try it; try to cut off the bottom end of a piece of string. What do you end up with? For the feminine and masculine there is no one. There is always the pull to rejoin your opposite, like a magnetic pull that creates the constant oscillation that creates life. How’s that for the esoteric? I’m so humbled by this knowledge that gives me the power to transcend any thoughts of annihilation and head straight into the gale force of life, full of courage and resolve. As the hero, I set out to rescue the princess; my feminine polarity. They seek each other and afterwards separate once again to keep this all going. It’s universal and timeless.

It's as close to the truth as I can get. There is a serpent and a jaguar and that’s it. The serpent’s body represents the pulsing form while the jaguar is the energy rushing forth along this serpentine highway. It also dawned on me the ancient Egyptians had something close to this idea in their great mother goddess Hathor and her son Ihy. The serpent lady would give birth to the wild bull Ihy, who would also be described as the perfumed effluence coming forth from her body. The rattling of a sistrum, an energetic vibration, much like the shacapa of the shaman in the Amazon, brought forth the Goddess and the power scent she gave off is the naked child come forth in wild abandon.

The clever adept proclaims non-duality. It all just is. It’s true. Within all, the is-ness is consciousness and once the pond is disturbed, duality becomes king through objectification. Trying to define non-duality is trying to define a state of existence; like taking a snapshot in time. Whatever it is we are living in, one thing for sure is it is constantly on the move and in motion therefore beyond definition. From the perspective of the realization of the one, being at the centre, where you become the axis mundi you see it all splinter into shards of duality made up of the feminine and masculine polarities. When I stand at my mesa, I envision I am the lanzon, the centre, the chaupi. I am everything. I look to my left and I see the feminine. I look right and it’s the masculine. I see everything. Lower world, upper world, and then back to self. My mesa represents the self, my self, and the totality of everything that comes from me. It’s all me. I am non-dual and I see it all break down into duality. All aspects and qualities of existence, psychologically and biologically, contained within it all. Which is the correct perspective? Is it from the standpoint of non-duality or does it originate from duality? What are your prejudices?

I look up at the sky, see the clouds, and I am stunned by the vastness of it all. I come to the realization it is the image of mind I am looking at. This vastness is consciousness. I am privileged and privy to having the ability to image mind and see how creation is the representation of the twinning pattern of consciousness and energy, yin and yang, feminine and masculine, serpent and jaguar.

The game is fascinating and I have a fascination with the game. It’s like being at the beach and grasping a handful of hot, white sand. It just slips through your fingers.

centred

We start out in life centred with just the self, full of possibilities, and we create the higher and lower self. The higher self comes from an idealistic and utopian desire which suggests we can transcend the human and become ultra-spiritual, like it is some kind of holy game that we must play. In western culture, the church is the path for a lot of people who need to accomplish this task they have invented and subsequently must climb the ladder to heaven. For others, the church has become an oppressive game and hard to swallow; especially in today’s climate of science and reason. There are also the eclectic and eastern mysteries to spiritually one up the masses, everyone loves the one up game for the rush it brings to ego; alternatively for the atheistic among us are ways to become metaphysical such as being spiritual but not religious. There is even a term for it, SBNR, and the two factions engage in criticism of each other. A simple internet search will get you a front row seat to the accusations hurled at each camp. One is coined lazy and the other dogmatic. Humans are pretty special creatures; always doubling down on their chosen identities! Science has declared god is dead but still wants in the game. We have the current high priest of rational atheism and its revered saints of yesteryear. Science is the idol on which the faith, err I mean the logic, exists. These are all games; more high brow and nuanced versions of the childhood games we played such as cops and robbers or various modern cosplay scenarios. It’s serious and sometimes the fate of your soul rests in the balance which gives it the juice to take over your existence and morph into the meaning of life. Christians have just the one shot at the salvation of the soul! That’s deadly serious. Those who are not playing this game shake their heads in amazement without realizing the cultural and psychological underpinnings and consequences of this mass behaviour. We all need a game or to put it in more polite terms that isn't as condescending: We all need a purpose.

On the other hand, we create the lower self as well. Whatever behaviours or desires we want to explore from cradle to grave, which we are told are culturally taboo or not allowed, are buried. These behaviours go into the hidden closet. A closet that contains no light and therefore these questionable behaviours go dark. They can only come out of the closet when no one or society isn’t looking. We create such a barrier to our dark side which if discovered if can be mortifying for the individual whose lifelong project is laid bare. It’s almost as if we are to have a place we keep things that makes us tick which are reserved for only our purview. In a way, these desires animate our existence as much as the acceptable behaviours we present to the public at large. Oh yeah he loves sports; spends all his free time either playing or watching sports! Let’s face it, though this may be true to an extant, we all have things we love or desire that no knows about or if they do, they are people not involved directly in our lives.

So, that’s the situation at hand. Everything originally radiates from the centre as the self and we create and enable the quest for enlightenment or the descent into hell. Heading full on to either path will bury the other, which is interesting. They are equal on the scale of psychosis. The religious nut though gets a pass. Has anyone ever gone on the ultra-spiritual trip and left it buried? By this, I mean all who quest to become holy make damn well sure everyone knows about it. From what I gather, the primary undertaking of one who does this is to present themselves by actions, dress, and behaviour as now being of the holy crowd. Evangelizing is a normal human trait and for those who are part of an exclusive club there are created ways to let others know you are part of their club. Therefore, I think by definition one who seeks the light lays their amazingness cards out on the table for all to see and basks in the recognition of who they have become; darkness be damned. And the darkness is damned! It becomes the hell region for all the sinners and those who don’t play your game.

I don’t know what the result is of one who heads down the path of darkness. Well, in a way I kind of do. I believe it leads to depravity, insanity, and chaos. The examples are all around us and we define it as pathology and not part of the human condition. We are loathe to accept it as normal. Doesn’t this just continue to perpetuate the madness? Aren’t they as sick as the ultra-spiritual among us? Granted, they do cause much more damage to society. It wasn’t always that way as the crusades, inquisitions, accusations of being an infidel, trials and burnings, and religious wars attest. I would think as a remedy to our proclivity towards both paths which leads to aberrant behaviour we need to integrate all into the human experience and allow the darkness to come out and mix with the light. My ideal of an open and loving society would be inclusive of the whole human condition and celebrate it all. This means bringing the uncomfortable out into the open and recognizing and saying yes and that too. To reconcile all, instead of creating a divide of the holy and the damned, the righteous and the depraved.

The world at large is an accurate reflection of who we are as a species. An apt comparison is the stock market. You may think it is irrational but the market is never wrong. When you realize and accept the paradox of life, it’s time to let a little light in on the dark and conversely take a little shine off the light. Bring everything back to the centre; integrated and reconciled.

balance is it

The meaning of life seems to becoming more clear to me everyday. It is about discovery. The journey of discovery of who you are and that within you find the good and the bad. Now, most of us upon finding this out, want to be good. Some of us take it to the next level and want to become ultra-good, like in the pure and holy religious way. We invent spiritual outfits that will declare us holy and allow us to reach this pinnacle so we can rest assured that we made it into the rarified air. Religion is a great game and the precursor to secular role-play and cosplay outfits. Conversely, not many of us purposely take the other path and become super-bad. Those that do, we generally assign to pathology and look for an external reason which could have caused their anti-social behaviour. I’ve looked within and I have seen both the good and the bad. I’ve tried to leave the darkness behind. I also thought at one point the answer was to go all in on the righteous side of things.

The human condition is a paradox in that there is always a push towards the opposite of what we seek. If we go all in on the righteous path, then the traits that are buried to get to that point eventually become imbued with the need and power to manifest at inopportune times or just when given the chance. I was listening to a Ram Dass talk when he mentioned he knew this spiritual teacher whose teachings were contradictory. He would tell someone one thing and subsequently turn around and tell a different person the exact opposite of what he just preached! This confused so many people until he was asked about it. He explained that he was teaching balance. In order to allow the student to reach that goal he would assess each individual and give them the personal advice needed in order to take them to that centre where they would reconcile the opposites.

I found out that this inherent and vacillating condition is not something you can transcend but instead work towards taking off the sharp edge. What I mean is that duality will always remain; the divide will never leave us. I finally got it that what we want is balance and through this we will find peace and fulfill inner longings. The method towards transcendence of duality in this plane of consciousness is to find balance. It’s to go straight into the head wind of polarities and embrace both sides. The ancient shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes had the answer all along. It’s a process called tinkuy and is symbolized by the meeting of two great rivers where a strong current becomes greater by allowing for the joining and coming together of the flow of two bodies of water. The two flows become one. Similarly, the human is refined by bringing together those traits of light and dark and preparing them to be joined with their soul mate, whether that is in a physical marriage in this plane or spiritually where in my case she waits in order to reunite and once again become complete.

I know she is always with me; it is the Goddess I speak of. I have my own personal goddess who is my feminine soul mate. She awaits me as she has already gone through the purifying fires of incarnation, forged the contending spirits into a harmonious one, and reached this balance. The night I met her again for the first time, she implored me to come away with her; to leave my earthly bonds behind and re-join her. I had no idea what she was talking about and told her I wasn’t done with this incarnation. I still had stuff to do! I certainly did. I have responsibilities, a need to accomplish a few more things, and I also need to get my act together. I didn’t know how I was going to do that but I have finally realized what I need to do. Balance.

If I would have joined her I wouldn’t have been ready. The relationship once again would have ended in the long separation as I went off alone to sort out my shit. Ah relationships, I guess they carry on over to the spiritual plane.

I spoke to her the other day and she confirmed to me it is balance that I seek. I had climbed the spiritual mountain and found everything came with me up that mountain. I could act the part of an enlightened and holy being if I wanted to but that would be a drag. Who wants to live life being disingenuous and doubting whether they really deserve the honour? I know I still have my dark and intolerant side. It’s part of me; part of life. I’m cool with it all. It was another dose of the wisdom she drops on me when I’m ready for it. Love washed over me.

When I left work I went into the washroom and of course playing over the speakers was the song “Mysterious Ways” by the band U2. The lyrics describe her to a tee.

Johnny take a walk with your sister the moon

Let her pale light in to fill up your room

You've been living underground

Eating from a can

You've been running away

From what you don't understand...

Love

She's slippy

You're sliding down

She'll be there when you hit the ground

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

She moves in mysterious ways

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

She moves in mysterious ways

She's the wave

She turns the tide

She sees the man inside the child

One day you will look...back

And you'll see...where

You were held...how

By this love...while

You could stand...there

You could move on this moment

Follow this feeling

For all my talk about my dark side and how it trolls me, well, she kind of does as well. However it is not a troll but loving reminders. I think she wanted to also let me know that though yes my dark side is strong, she is just as powerful and stands at the ready to always be at my side like she promised me a while back. I can go forth full of courage with my head up and heart forward.

Not only have I found the good and the bad within without being able to transcend either but I have found absolutely everything within. It’s all me and whatever you can point at, well that too. Through acceptance and owning it all I will bring it all back to centre and find balance.

finding balance

The jaguar is the ultimate representative of the life force power. The visual expression of the energy is stunning. The beauty, strength, and savageness are on full display. The manifestation of the pure power is realized in the wild state. The domestication and cultivation of the power allows for nuance, growth, and feats of incredible achievements. Deep down, the power wants to be free to express itself and in controlled societies that results in periodic outbreaks of uncontrollable wild abandon. Sometimes we say one has gone crazy.

Balance comes to mind. One can stay cultured and acceptable for only so long before the dam breaks and the jaguar within wants out. There becomes a need to recognize and befriend this state. There is a pull within all to become free and let loose. It is awesome and is what you seek. I can feel it within and how it animates all. This is it; it is what you wanted to discover. It’s the Great Spirit. It comes forth as the jaguar, powered by the serpent. It’s the harmony of feminine and masculine to produce conscious power capable of constant transformational magic.

 

We are all expressions of the power; every single living thing. Everything has spirit. Life could be thought of as an experiment where free will is observed in the situational embodiment of conscious energy and the wonder is in how it is used. The masculine wants to push forward, achieve, accomplish, and win. This involves building and destroying, amidst a show of strength and ferocity. The feminine wants to create community, unity, and family structures. She wishes to express the power through creativity and the arts. Her potency is a check on her masculine counterpart through love and inclusiveness as opposed to individuality and competition. The two as one makes for harmony while balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Left alone, each polarity refines into a greater expression of its dominant traits. In the case of the male, it is the warrior intent upon world domination at the expense of all. This darkness is within us all. Look within and you will see it and you will see the need for harmony and balance. A reconciliation involves finding your soul mate. We are agents of destruction, both outwardly and the self. When we are shown love, the power flowers.

 

There is a need to first reconcile within and afterwards the recognition and mitigation of the duality of each lighthouse of power. Subsequently, one is ready to harmonize with the outward expression of this power. Why do most relationships fail? Look within for the reason. We are not whole beings as of yet though we go in search of a partner who will make us whole. That only works once we have dealt with our own shit.

 

There is a need for deep soul work and a need for the reconciliation of opposites in order to live within the centre/heart space but to get to that place involves a balance within of the contending polarities. Before the coming together of the feminine and the masculine, each side has to get its act together. It's mythicized in ancient Egypt as the constant fighting between Horus and Set and within that story are homosexual elements that symbolize a union of masculine traits that mitigate the destructive tendencies and weaknesses found within masculine archetypes. It’s a tough sell to discuss in our culture as we view this behaviour as deviant as opposed to being symbolic. In western culture, a real man ain’t no sissy; he’s alpha and definitely no cuck or soy boy, has no feelings, and never backs down. In a culture that ritually celebrated this behaviour, the answer becomes obvious and so empowering.

 

I have written about this before and these concepts were realized and practiced by the great quariwarmi shamans of the Andes. I write about it again because of constant insights into its nature and seeing this process unfold within. In pre-Colombian Andean cosmology, each polarity would be first mediated towards the centre starting with the reconciliation of the same gendered complementary opposites found within. Disharmony between these worlds leads to confusion. Sacred performances involving cross dressing males, called ipas, were ritually performed in order to mitigate the male tendency towards judgment and destruction. The masculine force, sufficiently tamed, would be prepared to be symbolically united with the opposing feminine force that has been similarly tamed in a holistic process called tinkuy. The successful reconstruction of the respective gendered poles leads to the mediation of the feminine and the masculine polarities, a process called yanantin, with the result a perfect harmony called the conocimiento. This balancing act and subsequent joining together of the opposing forces ritually recreate the original androgyne along a central axis, bisecting the feminine and masculine polarities, which in turn unlocks and radiates unconditional cosmic love and demonstrates this union is the origin of all there is and is represented in ritual and symbol as the mediated third gendered hermaphrodite. It is the union of the feminine and masculine powers which reconstitutes the all. It’s the cultivation of the human to reclaim a cosmic destiny. It’s taking the wild grape within nature and creating a dual sexed and self-pollinating plant that I have discussed before which is the essence of the mystery of the great Dionysos. I directly experience this voyage of the harmonization of the energy. I am not even sure where I am on the path but I sure do feel this power. It courses through me and at times it is magical. I’m engaged in slowing down, calming the mind, and becoming conscious of this power. Eliminating distractions, whether that be forced through the aging process or mindfulness, brings you into communion with this power. It’s magical and can transform into many expressions.

 

The power of the Huachuma mesa involves this balance and reconciliation. Lighting it all up, getting quiet, and just listening. Being present. Feeling the power of the serpent ripple through my body in waves and admiring the jaguar and its wild and ferocious display of coursing natural power. If nature was going to design the ultimate expression of the force that animates all in the universe then the jaguar is it.

 

I smiled knowingly as the knowledge slowly caressed me and allowed me to understand what it was I was feeling. I pictured the undulating serpentine nature of the Goddess come forth as a serpent and profoundly realized that our existence is a vibration and the path of the serpent’s body represents the pulsation that defines the reality of that vibration. This path is travelled by the jaguar, whose wild energy and abandon lights up the track and allows for the experience of what it is the vibration has created.

 

When you pass the challenges of life, embrace the undulations of the serpent, and rise up in strength, the jaguar comes. Balance is at your doorstep. Welcome to the Order of the Jaguar.

full admission

Continuing on with what I wrote about last week, I’m going to be forthright and come off as maybe deluded and crazy however this is the truth of the situation. This is what has happened to me and continues to occur on a regular basis. I got trolled again this morning by my subconscious. Well, not really a troll, but one of those coincidences that is too contrived to think it is a random happenstance and I know from past experiences that my subconscious can manipulate events so that the outcome lines up in a way that is serendipitous. I think this goes back to the assertion that I’m mad but in a healthy and good way. I’m pretty low-key and have it all together on the outside so nobody suspects anything is going on.

I remember when I first went to Peru and drank Ayahuasca. I was an easy mark who tended to avoid confrontation. The darkness within went into full on attack mode in order to leave me dazed and to send me home, never to return. Just live out your life, don’t change anything, and don’t come back. Do not disturb. When I left the jungle, I started hearing voices in my head. Okay, not voices but just one voice. It scared the shit out of me and it went on for three days. No sleep and I was on the verge of psychosis it was that unnerving. Seven years later I know what it was. It was me. The part of me I bury in the subconscious that occasionally rises up to the surface. I know him pretty well now. He was just trolling me and asserting dominance. He kept at it in the background for months leading to this situation where he’d wake me every night at the exact same time and harass me. 1:10 am wakeup call. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was a wreck after five nights of this. Eventually, I asked my muse the Goddess, for help after I went into a full-on panic attack for the first time in my life and she helped me out of this hole. My relationship with the feminine divine is the single most important bond in my life. Her power saved me from what it was I faced. She is always present, ready to offer protection, guidance, and wisdom. All I have to do is ask. I know it sounds religious! It’s why I can’t get sucked into the beliefs of others. My belief in a personal goddess is unshakeable. Anyway, I started making changes in my life and the darkness accosted me again a few months later and I went into another panic attack but I came out swinging and fought back. I resolved to get the best of him and defeat him. I then spent two and a half years with the upper hand and used a hammer to beat him into submission. I wasn’t aware I had that strength and neither did my dark side.

 

Eventually, I went back to Peru and once again faced him directly. What balls! The first experience was designed so I’d run away and not come back; never to peer into the darkness again. Why did I go back? I didn’t want to live out my life a coward. I knew somewhere I had courage to muster and so I came back for round two. He came out swinging and I took all the punches. He threatened me with death if I didn’t give in to his wishes. I stood my ground and said kill me if you must. I earned a lot of respect that night.

 

I'm the biggest and baddest motherfucker on the planet. How do I know that? It’s because my subconscious wanted to destroy me because no one takes on that aspect of themselves when it has decided to stomp you out of existence and comes out of it alive, all in one piece. I really should be a cowering basket case and exhibit ‘A' in regards to the use of psychedelics. Who knows what lurks within? I won and for that I got mucho respect. My relationship with my dark side is what you could call a truce with steps towards a working agreement. He knows my weaknesses because they are me and he is me. Predilections is a better word for it. He constantly shows me what he is capable of. It’s astounding in that he transcends time and can manipulate events to work out how he so chooses.

 

On this path, you are warned about power and its seduction. I see clearly how it works: you are shown the strength and dominance of the darkness within. It floors you with an uppercut and beats you into submission. Afterwards, the subconscious force offers you power in exchange for fealty as there is a price to pay for your new-found power. Look at the powerful in the world and see it. See the depravity at the base of it. The last two years of world history have been a course in what the result of giving power to humans manifests. There is a price to pay for power. In the end, you end up using your power to feed off of others, mostly in a way that is subtle where you take advantage of and manipulate them. Meanwhile, the Goddess is busy teaching you that you are the others; we are all one. Don’t do it! I look back now and see how this was to play out. I got hammered and subsequently in a malleable position was offered a ton of power. I declined. I was harassed afterwards until finally I fought back and later had the gumption to return and face up to it all. Not only that but after being offered power again, I declined and kept my freedom.

 

I don’t think the subconscious is malevolent. I think it is in a way proving a point in that we are all weak and will take the road to power, fame, fortune, and glory if offered the chance. We will self-aggrandize at the expense of others, forgetting we are one. Ultimately, that is the lesson to learn in that to objectify others as separate from yourself is what causes suffering and also allows you to amass power. We will sell out whomever and whatever for this opportunity. I don’t want to glorify myself. I did decline the offer of power and said I’m looking for a paradigm of love and was not interested in those worldly powers. If I do acquire fame and fortune, I will do it through my own accord and use it to give back. Those are my intentions and have always been my intentions.

 

I am intrigued with the darkness, as it is me. The relationship is now much different and he knows I’m a jaguar and have the serpent on my side. I have wondered if he misread me? Would he have attacked as he did, if he knew I’d fight back and win? He didn’t see the jaguar hidden within nor the serpent woman at my side ready to strike. I now know of his power and I think we can strike a deal in order to liberate the mind and to help heal the world.

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

being healthily crazy

When you reconcile all back to centre by taking the feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, water, earth, air, and the four directions you reconstitute the axis mundi. It is what you began with and have always had. Ultimately, life is not a quest to discover or attain anything; the journey is a way for you to eventually remember who you once were and reconcile all back to centre. It’s the big game and it’s one hell of an adventure. When you play, awaken, and realize you are everything then you become the I am - the self. You realize there is nothing that is not you. Freedom and liberation in this finite lifetime. From this you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self; it just is.

How about a mythological lesson or two? In classical texts, the terms nusa, nyssa, and nyssi refer to a mountain that is the support stand of heaven, which is the axis mundi. With this information, it's not hard to figure out the Greco-mythical figure of Dionysos is the embodiment of the axis mundi. The ‘dio' part of the name is the connection to divinity. Dionysos is the god of the reconciliation of all. This is the eternal flame, the zoë, and the Great Spirit. The history of Dionysos extends beyond Classical Greek civilization into the Mycenaean period where a reference to the name was discovered in Crete during the Bronze Age Minoan civilization. This is a civilization that extends back in time to 3000 BCE. Why do ancient civilizations has a preponderance of gods and goddesses? Were they superstitious and intellectually inferior, devoid of the reason and logic that our civilization idolizes? My guess is they were more in balance with the dualistic powers of serpent and jaguar that animates the spirit within, instead of valuing and exalting one over the other and consequently losing the knowledge of both. Looking back into history, the evidence reveals the evolution came gradually: goddess and god became just god and eventually that was done away with and replaced by the man. Heralding this event into our civilization was reported by Plutarch who wrote, "The great god Pan is dead!" The news of Pan’s death was announced from the skies to a sailor named Thamus. Paganism, as nature worship, was struck down. The nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche exclaimed, “God is dead,” and then proceeded to write a book, ‘The Birth of Tragedy” in which he describes the Apollonian and the Dionysian divide within man and somehow he intellectually accomplishes the act of divorcing them from the gods he had buried. Welcome to man as the godman. Apollo gets top billing now as the bright light of reason and the epitome of man's destiny while the wild man is sent away. Nature remains under attack. Logic, reason, and science is now the god of our culture, personified by the intellect; the feminine chaos still exists in the waters of creation but is relegated to an afterthought. Artificial Intelligence and sentient robots of pure logic and reason will be the crowning achievement of history! Fuck feelings and love; what impediments! The Babylonian Marduk must take to the waters of chaos to kill Tiamat in order for civilization to progress. She has been wounded and relegated to the deep and here we are on the cusp of fulfilling that Mesopotamian myth. The ancient mind hadn’t devolved into this single-mindedness, thus they could sense all powers within the environment. It’s available to us if we can throw off the shackles of culture, get still, and feel.

The central idol of the Chavin culture of pre-Columbian South America, we now call the Lanzon, is also an axis mundi representing the reconciliation of all the forces of nature into one being.

The central idol in the temple of the Jaguar at Chavin

It is reversing the process of the power expanding outwards back into its source. It’s like picturing a point of consciousness that contains all and then seeing this potentiality projected out into the universe at large and subsequently finally realizing it is all you. You are seeing yourself at play. We have for the most part lost this meaning and to suggest it to most is to elicit the response of I don’t know what you are talking about, a dispassionate shrug, or a leave that up to the experts response.

When I drink Huachuma, I feel the coming of the god. It’s the idea of the complete self, once we shed the notion of the separate parts of yourself. I connect with all. I experience bringing it all back to centre, the axis mundi, and sit with the self and bask in the knowledge that it all starts with the great self and emanates all out from there. It’s a touchstone moment on the spiritual journey.

I’ve thought about physics and matter enough to realize that we are limited by our instruments and their ability to peer into subatomic particles. I believe that the further we are able to peer into the underpinnings of the all, the more it will just subdivide and confound us. I have embraced the idea that all is consciousness as in mental energy that vibrates and from these levels of vibration we get what we call rays and what we call matter. To use string theory as an analogy, where at its basic form there are an infinite number of strings which are vibrating and that’s what makes up the universe, well picture that but minus the strings. In other words, stringless theory.

The same goes for the self. It’s comforting to think we are an autonomous self and in a way we are, as long as we hold together the form however I have to believe at the root of all this is the same situation encountered in physics where eventually we will learn there is no self. We are just amalgamations of energy that have taken on a certain vibrational form and who knows how long that will last? Do we eventually disintegrate and return to the ocean of energy and continually transform into a new energetic being? Do you believe in magic?

Enjoy the ride.