within the one is found the two

The spiritual chorus preaches the one. Everything is derivative of the one and all of creation can be folded back into the one. To express this one, us humans have come up with a bunch of terms, including the polarizing concept of god which we in turn fetishize and transform into an object of worship and sometimes assign to an ideal that is used for human pursuits of power and monetary gain. The understanding of your place in all of this is your connection to all, in that not only are you a product of the universe but you are indeed the universe and from your perspective you are a point of that universal consciousness that is looking out upon itself. It is not only an empowering vision of creation but it also lowers anxiety about what happens to you when the body dies. If you like adventure then I wouldn’t worry about what happens next. You can go even further with this concept and discard the one. Grasping at the one is still objectifying and truthfully there are no objects. We delineate what just is, conjure duality, and selectively take subjective forms of energy and solidify them into objects.

Okay, I think the above is a pretty good explanation of what heady spiritual people preach, if I do say so myself. In our culture, science is king and therefore in modern spiritual pursuits we try and reconcile the two. Using core concepts of Eastern philosophy allows us to bridge the gap and transform the woo into nuanced metaphysical speculations that allow consensus and eschews wishful thinking. This is all well and good however I like to push the envelope past the chains of what others think. I want experience and subsequently I want to put the experience through my filter and come up with my own concepts.

I have walked the desert sands of Egypt and explored their pyramids and majestic temples. I’ve sweated in the jungles of the Amazon basin. I’ve climbed mountains in the Andes and visited valley temples. I’ve spent a night out in the arid and unforgiving wilderness of the American southwest. I’ve ingested multiple plants that have altered my consciousness enough that I know there are many dimensions to this magical mystery tour we call life. I’ve tried to figure it all out. I’ve tried to grasp this elusive enlightenment. I’ve wondered where do I get my certificate telling me I’ve made it?

I understand the philosophy and I feel the universal connection. It’s undeniable. My experiential journey suggests instead of the one, all truth lives at the door of two. We are a reductionist culture and because of this, one is the holy grail. For me, it’s two and everything is derivative of the two. I’m talking about the divine feminine and divine masculine and their coming together creates the one which then reflects back out as a multiple duality of many twos. Envision this construct that comes from the mind of a human, if you will. It is a centre-point that contains two polarities. As a flow chart, the two as the divine feminine and masculine come together into the one which brings you to the unified centre-point. From the centre-point flows out all of creation into multiple instances of this duality into creation. The two must become one before they become the many.

I see this in ancient Egypt as the great mother and her son, who is also the father; this peculiarity known as kamutef, the bull of his mother. In their literature and on temple walls, I see it also expressed in the concept of creation emanating from an androgyne source that contains the sacred two. In the Ennead of Heliopolis, of which this dual-sexed god Atum is at the head, it is said that the masculine light source Shu and the feminine water source Tefenet are always with and are Atum. The androgyne is the combination of the two and there is no getting around it. Even in the word hermaphrodite is presented in clear view the union of two great deities in the Greek wisdom god Hermes and Aphrodite, the goddess of love. These two go back into the hazy scrolls of history to the beginnings of Egyptian thought and the primordial beginnings of the Ogdoad at Hermopolis where the Egyptian counterparts of these two, Thoth and Hathor, stand at the head of all creation that comes forth from the primordial swamp of 8-town. The concept of union and attempts at artistic expression is depicted on temple walls such as this painted relief masterpiece inside the Khonsu Temple at Karnak temple.

The dual-sexed Kamutef

I see this concept in the sacred mesa of the Andes where the reconciliation of the two gendered polarities brings everything back together into the centre at the axis mundi. The great stone idol of the Chavin temple, the lanzon, brings together the feminine and masculine in this depiction of the sacred world centre.

Lanzon in the temple of the jaguar at Chavin

The temple grounds are made up of dualistic constructs such as the set of black and white limestone stairs leading to the temple as well as finding dualistic principles in the raised and lowered opposite hands of the idol in which the masculine points to the upper world and the feminine to the lower world. The temple grounds rest at the meeting point of the coastal and jungle civilizations in a valley where two great rivers merge into one. This reconciliation of all was called tinkuy. Achieved is balance and from this position the healing can be empowered and love for all can flow. In the jungle are the symbols of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar. There are exoteric and esoteric understandings of the two.

Those that live off the land and in primitive dwellings we culturally denigrate as simple. Simple people paradoxically have the most profound symbolism. The modern symbolism from our culture of excess is bereft of ideas and suffering from malnutrition. Hidden in the jungle is the most profound teaching accessed by the brave and the courageous. I’ve searched high and low but never have I come across such a direct communication of what it is all about. Obviously, the serpent is feminine and the jaguar is masculine and they are ubiquitous symbols of the jungle. It’s a pretty simple exoteric depiction of life, creation, destruction, and renewal.

There were big teachings this last time through Peru earlier this year in the jungle that carried on into the Andes mountains. It included the direct experiencing of and understanding of the life force common to all, that connects us all, that originates from a common feminine and masculine vibration symbolized as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent creates the vibrational body that undulates from on to off and the jaguar traverses this path. The jaguar moves freely. As visualized and communicated by Hindu adepts of yesteryear, when you raise your consciousness and enlighten all the subtle body chakras, energetic touch points you break free of, you meet the jaguar who roams the chakras as an expression of the power of the kundalini serpent which in the pre-Columbian South American religious thought are the three shamanic worlds. And finally you become the jaguar.

Everything comes from this one vibration with vibrations within each vibration. It pulses from off to on. Creation is the pulse with two extreme states and everything in between. From a holistic point of view it is one vibration. Within the one is found the two. The one can’t be without the two. The two always have their opposite. Try it; try to cut off the bottom end of a piece of string. What do you end up with? For the feminine and masculine there is no one. There is always the pull to rejoin your opposite, like a magnetic pull that creates the constant oscillation that creates life. How’s that for the esoteric? I’m so humbled by this knowledge that gives me the power to transcend any thoughts of annihilation and head straight into the gale force of life, full of courage and resolve. As the hero, I set out to rescue the princess; my feminine polarity. They seek each other and afterwards separate once again to keep this all going. It’s universal and timeless.

It's as close to the truth as I can get. There is a serpent and a jaguar and that’s it. The serpent’s body represents the pulsing form while the jaguar is the energy rushing forth along this serpentine highway. It also dawned on me the ancient Egyptians had something close to this idea in their great mother goddess Hathor and her son Ihy. The serpent lady would give birth to the wild bull Ihy, who would also be described as the perfumed effluence coming forth from her body. The rattling of a sistrum, an energetic vibration, much like the shacapa of the shaman in the Amazon, brought forth the Goddess and the power scent she gave off is the naked child come forth in wild abandon.

The clever adept proclaims non-duality. It all just is. It’s true. Within all, the is-ness is consciousness and once the pond is disturbed, duality becomes king through objectification. Trying to define non-duality is trying to define a state of existence; like taking a snapshot in time. Whatever it is we are living in, one thing for sure is it is constantly on the move and in motion therefore beyond definition. From the perspective of the realization of the one, being at the centre, where you become the axis mundi you see it all splinter into shards of duality made up of the feminine and masculine polarities. When I stand at my mesa, I envision I am the lanzon, the centre, the chaupi. I am everything. I look to my left and I see the feminine. I look right and it’s the masculine. I see everything. Lower world, upper world, and then back to self. My mesa represents the self, my self, and the totality of everything that comes from me. It’s all me. I am non-dual and I see it all break down into duality. All aspects and qualities of existence, psychologically and biologically, contained within it all. Which is the correct perspective? Is it from the standpoint of non-duality or does it originate from duality? What are your prejudices?

I look up at the sky, see the clouds, and I am stunned by the vastness of it all. I come to the realization it is the image of mind I am looking at. This vastness is consciousness. I am privileged and privy to having the ability to image mind and see how creation is the representation of the twinning pattern of consciousness and energy, yin and yang, feminine and masculine, serpent and jaguar.

The game is fascinating and I have a fascination with the game. It’s like being at the beach and grasping a handful of hot, white sand. It just slips through your fingers.

centred

We start out in life centred with just the self, full of possibilities, and we create the higher and lower self. The higher self comes from an idealistic and utopian desire which suggests we can transcend the human and become ultra-spiritual, like it is some kind of holy game that we must play. In western culture, the church is the path for a lot of people who need to accomplish this task they have invented and subsequently must climb the ladder to heaven. For others, the church has become an oppressive game and hard to swallow; especially in today’s climate of science and reason. There are also the eclectic and eastern mysteries to spiritually one up the masses, everyone loves the one up game for the rush it brings to ego; alternatively for the atheistic among us are ways to become metaphysical such as being spiritual but not religious. There is even a term for it, SBNR, and the two factions engage in criticism of each other. A simple internet search will get you a front row seat to the accusations hurled at each camp. One is coined lazy and the other dogmatic. Humans are pretty special creatures; always doubling down on their chosen identities! Science has declared god is dead but still wants in the game. We have the current high priest of rational atheism and its revered saints of yesteryear. Science is the idol on which the faith, err I mean the logic, exists. These are all games; more high brow and nuanced versions of the childhood games we played such as cops and robbers or various modern cosplay scenarios. It’s serious and sometimes the fate of your soul rests in the balance which gives it the juice to take over your existence and morph into the meaning of life. Christians have just the one shot at the salvation of the soul! That’s deadly serious. Those who are not playing this game shake their heads in amazement without realizing the cultural and psychological underpinnings and consequences of this mass behaviour. We all need a game or to put it in more polite terms that isn't as condescending: We all need a purpose.

On the other hand, we create the lower self as well. Whatever behaviours or desires we want to explore from cradle to grave, which we are told are culturally taboo or not allowed, are buried. These behaviours go into the hidden closet. A closet that contains no light and therefore these questionable behaviours go dark. They can only come out of the closet when no one or society isn’t looking. We create such a barrier to our dark side which if discovered if can be mortifying for the individual whose lifelong project is laid bare. It’s almost as if we are to have a place we keep things that makes us tick which are reserved for only our purview. In a way, these desires animate our existence as much as the acceptable behaviours we present to the public at large. Oh yeah he loves sports; spends all his free time either playing or watching sports! Let’s face it, though this may be true to an extant, we all have things we love or desire that no knows about or if they do, they are people not involved directly in our lives.

So, that’s the situation at hand. Everything originally radiates from the centre as the self and we create and enable the quest for enlightenment or the descent into hell. Heading full on to either path will bury the other, which is interesting. They are equal on the scale of psychosis. The religious nut though gets a pass. Has anyone ever gone on the ultra-spiritual trip and left it buried? By this, I mean all who quest to become holy make damn well sure everyone knows about it. From what I gather, the primary undertaking of one who does this is to present themselves by actions, dress, and behaviour as now being of the holy crowd. Evangelizing is a normal human trait and for those who are part of an exclusive club there are created ways to let others know you are part of their club. Therefore, I think by definition one who seeks the light lays their amazingness cards out on the table for all to see and basks in the recognition of who they have become; darkness be damned. And the darkness is damned! It becomes the hell region for all the sinners and those who don’t play your game.

I don’t know what the result is of one who heads down the path of darkness. Well, in a way I kind of do. I believe it leads to depravity, insanity, and chaos. The examples are all around us and we define it as pathology and not part of the human condition. We are loathe to accept it as normal. Doesn’t this just continue to perpetuate the madness? Aren’t they as sick as the ultra-spiritual among us? Granted, they do cause much more damage to society. It wasn’t always that way as the crusades, inquisitions, accusations of being an infidel, trials and burnings, and religious wars attest. I would think as a remedy to our proclivity towards both paths which leads to aberrant behaviour we need to integrate all into the human experience and allow the darkness to come out and mix with the light. My ideal of an open and loving society would be inclusive of the whole human condition and celebrate it all. This means bringing the uncomfortable out into the open and recognizing and saying yes and that too. To reconcile all, instead of creating a divide of the holy and the damned, the righteous and the depraved.

The world at large is an accurate reflection of who we are as a species. An apt comparison is the stock market. You may think it is irrational but the market is never wrong. When you realize and accept the paradox of life, it’s time to let a little light in on the dark and conversely take a little shine off the light. Bring everything back to the centre; integrated and reconciled.

balance is it

The meaning of life seems to becoming more clear to me everyday. It is about discovery. The journey of discovery of who you are and that within you find the good and the bad. Now, most of us upon finding this out, want to be good. Some of us take it to the next level and want to become ultra-good, like in the pure and holy religious way. We invent spiritual outfits that will declare us holy and allow us to reach this pinnacle so we can rest assured that we made it into the rarified air. Religion is a great game and the precursor to secular role-play and cosplay outfits. Conversely, not many of us purposely take the other path and become super-bad. Those that do, we generally assign to pathology and look for an external reason which could have caused their anti-social behaviour. I’ve looked within and I have seen both the good and the bad. I’ve tried to leave the darkness behind. I also thought at one point the answer was to go all in on the righteous side of things.

The human condition is a paradox in that there is always a push towards the opposite of what we seek. If we go all in on the righteous path, then the traits that are buried to get to that point eventually become imbued with the need and power to manifest at inopportune times or just when given the chance. I was listening to a Ram Dass talk when he mentioned he knew this spiritual teacher whose teachings were contradictory. He would tell someone one thing and subsequently turn around and tell a different person the exact opposite of what he just preached! This confused so many people until he was asked about it. He explained that he was teaching balance. In order to allow the student to reach that goal he would assess each individual and give them the personal advice needed in order to take them to that centre where they would reconcile the opposites.

I found out that this inherent and vacillating condition is not something you can transcend but instead work towards taking off the sharp edge. What I mean is that duality will always remain; the divide will never leave us. I finally got it that what we want is balance and through this we will find peace and fulfill inner longings. The method towards transcendence of duality in this plane of consciousness is to find balance. It’s to go straight into the head wind of polarities and embrace both sides. The ancient shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes had the answer all along. It’s a process called tinkuy and is symbolized by the meeting of two great rivers where a strong current becomes greater by allowing for the joining and coming together of the flow of two bodies of water. The two flows become one. Similarly, the human is refined by bringing together those traits of light and dark and preparing them to be joined with their soul mate, whether that is in a physical marriage in this plane or spiritually where in my case she waits in order to reunite and once again become complete.

I know she is always with me; it is the Goddess I speak of. I have my own personal goddess who is my feminine soul mate. She awaits me as she has already gone through the purifying fires of incarnation, forged the contending spirits into a harmonious one, and reached this balance. The night I met her again for the first time, she implored me to come away with her; to leave my earthly bonds behind and re-join her. I had no idea what she was talking about and told her I wasn’t done with this incarnation. I still had stuff to do! I certainly did. I have responsibilities, a need to accomplish a few more things, and I also need to get my act together. I didn’t know how I was going to do that but I have finally realized what I need to do. Balance.

If I would have joined her I wouldn’t have been ready. The relationship once again would have ended in the long separation as I went off alone to sort out my shit. Ah relationships, I guess they carry on over to the spiritual plane.

I spoke to her the other day and she confirmed to me it is balance that I seek. I had climbed the spiritual mountain and found everything came with me up that mountain. I could act the part of an enlightened and holy being if I wanted to but that would be a drag. Who wants to live life being disingenuous and doubting whether they really deserve the honour? I know I still have my dark and intolerant side. It’s part of me; part of life. I’m cool with it all. It was another dose of the wisdom she drops on me when I’m ready for it. Love washed over me.

When I left work I went into the washroom and of course playing over the speakers was the song “Mysterious Ways” by the band U2. The lyrics describe her to a tee.

Johnny take a walk with your sister the moon

Let her pale light in to fill up your room

You've been living underground

Eating from a can

You've been running away

From what you don't understand...

Love

She's slippy

You're sliding down

She'll be there when you hit the ground

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

She moves in mysterious ways

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

She moves in mysterious ways

She's the wave

She turns the tide

She sees the man inside the child

One day you will look...back

And you'll see...where

You were held...how

By this love...while

You could stand...there

You could move on this moment

Follow this feeling

For all my talk about my dark side and how it trolls me, well, she kind of does as well. However it is not a troll but loving reminders. I think she wanted to also let me know that though yes my dark side is strong, she is just as powerful and stands at the ready to always be at my side like she promised me a while back. I can go forth full of courage with my head up and heart forward.

Not only have I found the good and the bad within without being able to transcend either but I have found absolutely everything within. It’s all me and whatever you can point at, well that too. Through acceptance and owning it all I will bring it all back to centre and find balance.

finding balance

The jaguar is the ultimate representative of the life force power. The visual expression of the energy is stunning. The beauty, strength, and savageness are on full display. The manifestation of the pure power is realized in the wild state. The domestication and cultivation of the power allows for nuance, growth, and feats of incredible achievements. Deep down, the power wants to be free to express itself and in controlled societies that results in periodic outbreaks of uncontrollable wild abandon. Sometimes we say one has gone crazy.

Balance comes to mind. One can stay cultured and acceptable for only so long before the dam breaks and the jaguar within wants out. There becomes a need to recognize and befriend this state. There is a pull within all to become free and let loose. It is awesome and is what you seek. I can feel it within and how it animates all. This is it; it is what you wanted to discover. It’s the Great Spirit. It comes forth as the jaguar, powered by the serpent. It’s the harmony of feminine and masculine to produce conscious power capable of constant transformational magic.

 

We are all expressions of the power; every single living thing. Everything has spirit. Life could be thought of as an experiment where free will is observed in the situational embodiment of conscious energy and the wonder is in how it is used. The masculine wants to push forward, achieve, accomplish, and win. This involves building and destroying, amidst a show of strength and ferocity. The feminine wants to create community, unity, and family structures. She wishes to express the power through creativity and the arts. Her potency is a check on her masculine counterpart through love and inclusiveness as opposed to individuality and competition. The two as one makes for harmony while balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Left alone, each polarity refines into a greater expression of its dominant traits. In the case of the male, it is the warrior intent upon world domination at the expense of all. This darkness is within us all. Look within and you will see it and you will see the need for harmony and balance. A reconciliation involves finding your soul mate. We are agents of destruction, both outwardly and the self. When we are shown love, the power flowers.

 

There is a need to first reconcile within and afterwards the recognition and mitigation of the duality of each lighthouse of power. Subsequently, one is ready to harmonize with the outward expression of this power. Why do most relationships fail? Look within for the reason. We are not whole beings as of yet though we go in search of a partner who will make us whole. That only works once we have dealt with our own shit.

 

There is a need for deep soul work and a need for the reconciliation of opposites in order to live within the centre/heart space but to get to that place involves a balance within of the contending polarities. Before the coming together of the feminine and the masculine, each side has to get its act together. It's mythicized in ancient Egypt as the constant fighting between Horus and Set and within that story are homosexual elements that symbolize a union of masculine traits that mitigate the destructive tendencies and weaknesses found within masculine archetypes. It’s a tough sell to discuss in our culture as we view this behaviour as deviant as opposed to being symbolic. In western culture, a real man ain’t no sissy; he’s alpha and definitely no cuck or soy boy, has no feelings, and never backs down. In a culture that ritually celebrated this behaviour, the answer becomes obvious and so empowering.

 

I have written about this before and these concepts were realized and practiced by the great quariwarmi shamans of the Andes. I write about it again because of constant insights into its nature and seeing this process unfold within. In pre-Colombian Andean cosmology, each polarity would be first mediated towards the centre starting with the reconciliation of the same gendered complementary opposites found within. Disharmony between these worlds leads to confusion. Sacred performances involving cross dressing males, called ipas, were ritually performed in order to mitigate the male tendency towards judgment and destruction. The masculine force, sufficiently tamed, would be prepared to be symbolically united with the opposing feminine force that has been similarly tamed in a holistic process called tinkuy. The successful reconstruction of the respective gendered poles leads to the mediation of the feminine and the masculine polarities, a process called yanantin, with the result a perfect harmony called the conocimiento. This balancing act and subsequent joining together of the opposing forces ritually recreate the original androgyne along a central axis, bisecting the feminine and masculine polarities, which in turn unlocks and radiates unconditional cosmic love and demonstrates this union is the origin of all there is and is represented in ritual and symbol as the mediated third gendered hermaphrodite. It is the union of the feminine and masculine powers which reconstitutes the all. It’s the cultivation of the human to reclaim a cosmic destiny. It’s taking the wild grape within nature and creating a dual sexed and self-pollinating plant that I have discussed before which is the essence of the mystery of the great Dionysos. I directly experience this voyage of the harmonization of the energy. I am not even sure where I am on the path but I sure do feel this power. It courses through me and at times it is magical. I’m engaged in slowing down, calming the mind, and becoming conscious of this power. Eliminating distractions, whether that be forced through the aging process or mindfulness, brings you into communion with this power. It’s magical and can transform into many expressions.

 

The power of the Huachuma mesa involves this balance and reconciliation. Lighting it all up, getting quiet, and just listening. Being present. Feeling the power of the serpent ripple through my body in waves and admiring the jaguar and its wild and ferocious display of coursing natural power. If nature was going to design the ultimate expression of the force that animates all in the universe then the jaguar is it.

 

I smiled knowingly as the knowledge slowly caressed me and allowed me to understand what it was I was feeling. I pictured the undulating serpentine nature of the Goddess come forth as a serpent and profoundly realized that our existence is a vibration and the path of the serpent’s body represents the pulsation that defines the reality of that vibration. This path is travelled by the jaguar, whose wild energy and abandon lights up the track and allows for the experience of what it is the vibration has created.

 

When you pass the challenges of life, embrace the undulations of the serpent, and rise up in strength, the jaguar comes. Balance is at your doorstep. Welcome to the Order of the Jaguar.

full admission

Continuing on with what I wrote about last week, I’m going to be forthright and come off as maybe deluded and crazy however this is the truth of the situation. This is what has happened to me and continues to occur on a regular basis. I got trolled again this morning by my subconscious. Well, not really a troll, but one of those coincidences that is too contrived to think it is a random happenstance and I know from past experiences that my subconscious can manipulate events so that the outcome lines up in a way that is serendipitous. I think this goes back to the assertion that I’m mad but in a healthy and good way. I’m pretty low-key and have it all together on the outside so nobody suspects anything is going on.

I remember when I first went to Peru and drank Ayahuasca. I was an easy mark who tended to avoid confrontation. The darkness within went into full on attack mode in order to leave me dazed and to send me home, never to return. Just live out your life, don’t change anything, and don’t come back. Do not disturb. When I left the jungle, I started hearing voices in my head. Okay, not voices but just one voice. It scared the shit out of me and it went on for three days. No sleep and I was on the verge of psychosis it was that unnerving. Seven years later I know what it was. It was me. The part of me I bury in the subconscious that occasionally rises up to the surface. I know him pretty well now. He was just trolling me and asserting dominance. He kept at it in the background for months leading to this situation where he’d wake me every night at the exact same time and harass me. 1:10 am wakeup call. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was a wreck after five nights of this. Eventually, I asked my muse the Goddess, for help after I went into a full-on panic attack for the first time in my life and she helped me out of this hole. My relationship with the feminine divine is the single most important bond in my life. Her power saved me from what it was I faced. She is always present, ready to offer protection, guidance, and wisdom. All I have to do is ask. I know it sounds religious! It’s why I can’t get sucked into the beliefs of others. My belief in a personal goddess is unshakeable. Anyway, I started making changes in my life and the darkness accosted me again a few months later and I went into another panic attack but I came out swinging and fought back. I resolved to get the best of him and defeat him. I then spent two and a half years with the upper hand and used a hammer to beat him into submission. I wasn’t aware I had that strength and neither did my dark side.

 

Eventually, I went back to Peru and once again faced him directly. What balls! The first experience was designed so I’d run away and not come back; never to peer into the darkness again. Why did I go back? I didn’t want to live out my life a coward. I knew somewhere I had courage to muster and so I came back for round two. He came out swinging and I took all the punches. He threatened me with death if I didn’t give in to his wishes. I stood my ground and said kill me if you must. I earned a lot of respect that night.

 

I'm the biggest and baddest motherfucker on the planet. How do I know that? It’s because my subconscious wanted to destroy me because no one takes on that aspect of themselves when it has decided to stomp you out of existence and comes out of it alive, all in one piece. I really should be a cowering basket case and exhibit ‘A' in regards to the use of psychedelics. Who knows what lurks within? I won and for that I got mucho respect. My relationship with my dark side is what you could call a truce with steps towards a working agreement. He knows my weaknesses because they are me and he is me. Predilections is a better word for it. He constantly shows me what he is capable of. It’s astounding in that he transcends time and can manipulate events to work out how he so chooses.

 

On this path, you are warned about power and its seduction. I see clearly how it works: you are shown the strength and dominance of the darkness within. It floors you with an uppercut and beats you into submission. Afterwards, the subconscious force offers you power in exchange for fealty as there is a price to pay for your new-found power. Look at the powerful in the world and see it. See the depravity at the base of it. The last two years of world history have been a course in what the result of giving power to humans manifests. There is a price to pay for power. In the end, you end up using your power to feed off of others, mostly in a way that is subtle where you take advantage of and manipulate them. Meanwhile, the Goddess is busy teaching you that you are the others; we are all one. Don’t do it! I look back now and see how this was to play out. I got hammered and subsequently in a malleable position was offered a ton of power. I declined. I was harassed afterwards until finally I fought back and later had the gumption to return and face up to it all. Not only that but after being offered power again, I declined and kept my freedom.

 

I don’t think the subconscious is malevolent. I think it is in a way proving a point in that we are all weak and will take the road to power, fame, fortune, and glory if offered the chance. We will self-aggrandize at the expense of others, forgetting we are one. Ultimately, that is the lesson to learn in that to objectify others as separate from yourself is what causes suffering and also allows you to amass power. We will sell out whomever and whatever for this opportunity. I don’t want to glorify myself. I did decline the offer of power and said I’m looking for a paradigm of love and was not interested in those worldly powers. If I do acquire fame and fortune, I will do it through my own accord and use it to give back. Those are my intentions and have always been my intentions.

 

I am intrigued with the darkness, as it is me. The relationship is now much different and he knows I’m a jaguar and have the serpent on my side. I have wondered if he misread me? Would he have attacked as he did, if he knew I’d fight back and win? He didn’t see the jaguar hidden within nor the serpent woman at my side ready to strike. I now know of his power and I think we can strike a deal in order to liberate the mind and to help heal the world.

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

being healthily crazy

When you reconcile all back to centre by taking the feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, water, earth, air, and the four directions you reconstitute the axis mundi. It is what you began with and have always had. Ultimately, life is not a quest to discover or attain anything; the journey is a way for you to eventually remember who you once were and reconcile all back to centre. It’s the big game and it’s one hell of an adventure. When you play, awaken, and realize you are everything then you become the I am - the self. You realize there is nothing that is not you. Freedom and liberation in this finite lifetime. From this you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self; it just is.

How about a mythological lesson or two? In classical texts, the terms nusa, nyssa, and nyssi refer to a mountain that is the support stand of heaven, which is the axis mundi. With this information, it's not hard to figure out the Greco-mythical figure of Dionysos is the embodiment of the axis mundi. The ‘dio' part of the name is the connection to divinity. Dionysos is the god of the reconciliation of all. This is the eternal flame, the zoë, and the Great Spirit. The history of Dionysos extends beyond Classical Greek civilization into the Mycenaean period where a reference to the name was discovered in Crete during the Bronze Age Minoan civilization. This is a civilization that extends back in time to 3000 BCE. Why do ancient civilizations has a preponderance of gods and goddesses? Were they superstitious and intellectually inferior, devoid of the reason and logic that our civilization idolizes? My guess is they were more in balance with the dualistic powers of serpent and jaguar that animates the spirit within, instead of valuing and exalting one over the other and consequently losing the knowledge of both. Looking back into history, the evidence reveals the evolution came gradually: goddess and god became just god and eventually that was done away with and replaced by the man. Heralding this event into our civilization was reported by Plutarch who wrote, "The great god Pan is dead!" The news of Pan’s death was announced from the skies to a sailor named Thamus. Paganism, as nature worship, was struck down. The nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche exclaimed, “God is dead,” and then proceeded to write a book, ‘The Birth of Tragedy” in which he describes the Apollonian and the Dionysian divide within man and somehow he intellectually accomplishes the act of divorcing them from the gods he had buried. Welcome to man as the godman. Apollo gets top billing now as the bright light of reason and the epitome of man's destiny while the wild man is sent away. Nature remains under attack. Logic, reason, and science is now the god of our culture, personified by the intellect; the feminine chaos still exists in the waters of creation but is relegated to an afterthought. Artificial Intelligence and sentient robots of pure logic and reason will be the crowning achievement of history! Fuck feelings and love; what impediments! The Babylonian Marduk must take to the waters of chaos to kill Tiamat in order for civilization to progress. She has been wounded and relegated to the deep and here we are on the cusp of fulfilling that Mesopotamian myth. The ancient mind hadn’t devolved into this single-mindedness, thus they could sense all powers within the environment. It’s available to us if we can throw off the shackles of culture, get still, and feel.

The central idol of the Chavin culture of pre-Columbian South America, we now call the Lanzon, is also an axis mundi representing the reconciliation of all the forces of nature into one being.

The central idol in the temple of the Jaguar at Chavin

It is reversing the process of the power expanding outwards back into its source. It’s like picturing a point of consciousness that contains all and then seeing this potentiality projected out into the universe at large and subsequently finally realizing it is all you. You are seeing yourself at play. We have for the most part lost this meaning and to suggest it to most is to elicit the response of I don’t know what you are talking about, a dispassionate shrug, or a leave that up to the experts response.

When I drink Huachuma, I feel the coming of the god. It’s the idea of the complete self, once we shed the notion of the separate parts of yourself. I connect with all. I experience bringing it all back to centre, the axis mundi, and sit with the self and bask in the knowledge that it all starts with the great self and emanates all out from there. It’s a touchstone moment on the spiritual journey.

I’ve thought about physics and matter enough to realize that we are limited by our instruments and their ability to peer into subatomic particles. I believe that the further we are able to peer into the underpinnings of the all, the more it will just subdivide and confound us. I have embraced the idea that all is consciousness as in mental energy that vibrates and from these levels of vibration we get what we call rays and what we call matter. To use string theory as an analogy, where at its basic form there are an infinite number of strings which are vibrating and that’s what makes up the universe, well picture that but minus the strings. In other words, stringless theory.

The same goes for the self. It’s comforting to think we are an autonomous self and in a way we are, as long as we hold together the form however I have to believe at the root of all this is the same situation encountered in physics where eventually we will learn there is no self. We are just amalgamations of energy that have taken on a certain vibrational form and who knows how long that will last? Do we eventually disintegrate and return to the ocean of energy and continually transform into a new energetic being? Do you believe in magic?

Enjoy the ride. 

indestructible life

It’s important to study mythology and the goddesses and gods if you are a seeker of wisdom and knowledge. Contained within these myths, are wisdom bombs that withstand the test of time and are a check against the obfuscation of language and culture. The indestructible life force behind the body and powering you up is the eternal energy that just is. The Greeks had a word for it, called zoë, which they differentiated from individual biological life of a perishable nature which they called bios. This speaks towards the importance of language and the different meanings of life that we have lost that were ingrained into the Greek mind. This same situation pops up again with our conception of love which we leave as a catch all and depend on modifiers to describe how we are feeling. The Greeks in turn, used multiple and differing words all related to the core concept of love, that related precisely to the specific feeling whether it be romantic love, brotherly love, a mother’s love, unconditional love, and so on.

It is a good exercise to open the mind. My English language steers me in the direction of thinking about life with just the one meaning and that it begins and ends with my biological body and I treat everyone as an individual who concentrates life within their own personal biosphere. I don’t ever give thought to a power behind all life that gives rise to everything and is the arcing presence behind the creation of life because language shields me from this way of thinking. I don’t feel immortal because I have little exposure to a legitimate concept that bestows immortality upon us however there is a force that is indestructible and it is the power behind everything; an energy which the Greeks called zoë.

You can’t kill or destroy this power. A gun does nothing. You can’t stomp it out or burn it. You can try and tear it to pieces but it just adopts a new form or reforms. It lies behind all and is forever coming and going in a cycle of creation and destruction, vibrating in a constant transformational flux. Zoë uses the power of the Goddess to keep reappearing. The feminine is the creator that gives birth to recurring biological forms, allowing the divine actor to take the stage once again and perform the dance of life. The life form is the vehicle for zoë to reappear in our world; the ever-changing and transformational glory of indestructible life.

In my never ending journey on a ship of fools, I’m starting to understand this power called zoë. My biological body is a finite structure animated by this power. This eternal power doesn’t expire and is forever pulsing with a huge amount of energy. It’s the body that eventually slows down and has trouble accessing the power. There is an advantage to this slowing down though as awareness increases and you can sit with yourself and get a feel for what is happening: to you and all around you. I was walking on a path in the woods yesterday and came across a patch of overgrowth that had all these bees and deer flies buzzing about. I knew that was the power concentrated in a little insect and the buzz was the sound of the energy. It was popping, zinging, and having a glorious time. I felt like I was in the midst of a day with Huachuma, with my senses alive and noticing all this wonder. A butterfly came into my view and the majestic fluttering while riding the wind gave me a glimpse of the artistry contained within this power.

It got me thinking about how I have encountered this power in my mythological studies. The ancient Egyptian Heb Sed festival stands out as a celebration of the virility of the Pharaoh. He shows off his strength and concludes this display by maintaining an erection and masturbating to completion. For real! They had an elaborate ceremony for this act. The ability to prove he is still virile is a testament to the power still coursing through him. There is a depiction in a tomb of a courtier of Amenhotep III that describes a renewal of the Pharaoh’s power in which the starry serpent of the sky, as the goddess Hathor, is invoked in order to propitiate the continued strength of the king through granting him this much needed power. I also remembered in Lao Tzu's ancient Chinese Tao Te Ching, the passage where the power is being described as coming forth pure in the erection of an infant male.

Being full of power is like being a baby.

Scorpions don’t sting, tigers don’t attack, eagles don’t strike.

Soft bones, weak muscles, but a firm grasp.

Ignorant of the intercourse of man and woman, yet the baby penis is erect.

True and perfect energy!

All day long screaming and crying, but never getting hoarse.

True and perfect harmony! To know harmony is to know what’s eternal.

To know what’s eternal is enlightenment.

Increase of life is full of portent: the strong heart exhausts the vital breath.

The full-grown is on the edge of age. Not the Way.

Lao Tzu: Tao Te Ching, A Book about the Way and the Power of the Way – Ursula K. Le Guin

To know what’s eternal is enlightenment! Plant medicine teachers reveal the eternal and the homework is to understand it. Then you know. Additionally, how much is our sexuality connected and tied to this power and why does it makes us feel so alive? I thought of how zoë enlivens our bodies and gives us that feeling of strength and virility; personified by the ancient Olympian and the modern decathlete. Also, the bodybuilder who takes this power and shapes it in the human form. Plus, the artist who creates and the scientist who discovers by accessing the creativity, wonder, and wisdom within this power. I also wondered about how the power is taking this amalgamation of flesh and bone and granting it the charge needed to act. I thought of how we can express this power and how it manifests within creation. In the jaguar, you see in the ferocity of the animal this power and in the fur the patterns displaying its savage grandeur. The flower coming forth is the grace inherent in life. The eyeball and its exquisite intricacy and stunning beauty defy words.

This power is mostly hidden. It’s always there with us but for the most part we are oblivious to it and once again because of language we never think about it or go looking for it. There are ways to access it however and in order to re-introduce yourself to this power you have to find a way to change your consciousness. I know of a few methods. A surefire way to directly access this power is through the plant medicine Huachuma. It will sharpen your senses and allow you to recognize this power free flowing throughout your body. At first, it is quite the strange experience as you feel this coursing energy envelop your body. With experience, you will then be able to start to work with the energy. Strong, powerful, lustful, challenging, teaching, rewarding, and connection are some words that come to mind. Connection is the biggie. Through the commonality of this power between all it becomes possible to make connections with nature, others, and yourself through a sub-channel of communication we don’t normally use. Perhaps that is not correct. I think we do use this mode of communication all the time but we don’t know we are engaging in this transmission. It involves harmony and resonance with others. Mental telepathy is a thing; we just don’t have the requisite experience and natural ability to change consciousness enough to recognize it. Plant medicines will show you it is possible and help you cultivate this power. At its core, this power is vibration. All life is vibration and the language of frequency plays out on a scale hidden to us until we unmask its use through changing our consciousness. Changing consciousness allows us to experience the world from a different perspective instead of the frequency we normally lock to that obfuscates much of what is going on behind the scenes. The way we operate in the world is oblivious to this power and the fundamental connection we have to all life, and to zoë.

The ancient Egyptians referenced this power in their art as someone’s double which was the connecting same source life force running through us all that came from the power of the Goddess called sekhem.

Ka power represented as a double

The Hindus call it the subtle body (sukshma sarira) which is the expression of the chakra system and their power centres within. Zoë is the power expressed by the kundalini serpent that rises on up through the chakras. The energy that propels the serpent upwards is zoë. The expression of the power sexually results in bliss and waves of serpent energy coursing throughout the body. It leaves and ever returns, thus the need to recharge. Fully charged, you can eventually express the energy via a different modality. It can still be strong and pulsing sexualized energy but instead of the genital route you can enliven your subtle body and make it shine and pulse. It’s called working with the power and through it you can heal and fully enliven your spiritual centres. This is true enlightenment through tantric practice for anyone who is interested. All of us on the pure and holy path towards enlightenment run from tantra because of its association to sexual power and sex isn’t spiritual; it’s dirty right?

The ancient Minoan god Dionysos is the image of indestructible life. In the myth, zoë is always returning through the auspices of the goddess Ariadne; he mystically impregnates his wife who subsequently becomes his mother.

Dionysos and Ariadne on the Derveni krater from the Thessaloniki Archaeological Museum

The ancient Egyptians called this phenomenon the kamutef which means "bull of his mother."

Ithyphallic Amen-Kamutef from Luxor Temple

Originally in mythology, the ever-coming god was sent away, ridiculed, and torn apart by the Titans but this immortal god always returns. The god is zoë; the one behind all life. Dionysos, once discovered, is the liberator par excellence, freeing one from care, worry, and the self through madness, ecstasy, and potent unmixed wine; the wine being an all-inclusive symbol of intoxication that throws off the chains of self-restraint and cultural expectations. At its best you are free to love all; at its worst you kick down the door of repression and upset the guardians of society.

Dionysos can be described as a he-she. Dionysos is the link between the living and the dead and thus he appears in the Greek Eleusinian Mysteries with Persephone as she descends into the underworld and returns with new life. The awesome power you can feel flowing through you is Dionysos. I will do my best not to pronoun Dionysos as the presence of the god encompasses all. Dionysos is the new life of the grape that appears courtesy of the sun and the rain. Dionysos is a vegetarian and the god also eats raw meat. Dionysos comes forth as a creator, as a vegetarian Dionysos preserves life, and by trapping wild animals in the forest and rending them alive, tearing their flesh and devouring it, the god is also the destroyer. The god is a paradox encompassing life and embracing death. Dionysos dances delightfully upon the thread that binds the living with the deceased. 

Dionysos could just be the god for our tumultuous time. The god is a liberator from the restraints of society and culture, allowing all to embrace their passions and kinks. Transgenderism, free love, freedom from identification, and gender fluidity are all in Dionysos’ retinue. These underground currents within society always return to challenge the status quo and invite cultural revolution or repression. Shall we send the liberator god away once again or this time integrate the perverse into society? A little has to be let in or the dam is going to break. Can’t you see it is happening now? Society is being challenged and walls are coming down. Chaos is rushing in. History informs us of the coming backlash and repression or alternatively the crumbling of a civilization. However beware of the forces that rush in when society collapses as that is never predictable. There’s no escaping this influence and it will always be a part of the fabric of life and our attempts to organize and preserve our way of life. The forces of authoritarianism stand at the ready to take advantage of the Dionysian impulse within all civilizations.

Dionysos is the axis mundi who is the link between the dreamer and the dream. The god is the complete psyche; madness and all. Dionysos is the joker and wild card who upsets the jenga of expectations and conformity and lets it all ride on the outcome of a game of chance. The god resides in the orderly pack of playing cards, shuffling the deck, and inserting wild outcomes of chance within the game of life. Dionysos gets on the roller-coaster of life and turns it up to 11. You think you have it together and then Dionysos comes along to upset the perfectly stacked applecart or to scare the living shit out of you and chase you all the way home. Face it, the potential for self-destruction is such a kick, especially when you are indestructible. What game can I play to give this sensation junkie a thrill? How long can I keep up the game and keep upsetting the pillars of society before I’m asked to leave? Conversely have you ever felt you didn’t fit in, especially when you were a teenager? Didn’t you feel there was something funny about the game adults were playing that you knew was bullshit, so you rebelled? But you grew up and decided to fit in and play that game. The strategies you developed as a kid to fit in you levelled up in order to fit into the adult game. Everything eventually has its reckoning. I want to be free. 

harmonic entanglement

The harmonization of the feminine and masculine on a cosmic level is the same template as found here on earth. In other words, it is a random occurrence and two patterns meet and fall in love which seems to me to be a word that can be used to describe harmony. Energy patterns meet and harmonize thus creating offspring. In the cosmic model, the offspring is the universe. In this conception, there are as many universes as there are divine couplings and each set of parents gives their children the free will to grow up and become a reflection of their divine parents. Parents are tempted to guide their child in their development but ultimately let them grow and prosper on their own as this allows for growth and understanding of self; self being consciousness.

I now have two conceptions of the origin of the universe. The other one is a model where a cosmic harmony of feminine and masculine polarities dream the universe into existence and this reality is defined as the splinters of consciousness which have the illusion of independence from the whole. The way each distinct consciousness acts helps psychoanalyze the whole so the great self can understand self better. My two concepts share the similarity in which there is a connection between the divine feminine and masculine and from this is produced the universe as either the divine child or a dream. Both models contain the sum of the feminine and masculine. The child conception recognizes our fundamental unity while the dream accentuates our separateness while encouraging one to wake up from the dream and realize unity.

Why do I love something? Well, because it gives me a good feeling; a feeling of connection, of compassion, of pleasure, of safety. There is a feeling of well-being associated with pangs of love. It also amps up feelings of separation when what you love is not with you and a longing to be in their presence. It’s leading me to realize that love is energetic harmony; whatever form that may take. We are all probably familiar with the romantic kind which is a strong vibration which is very addictive; like a drug including the requisite withdrawal symptoms. It’s instructive to sit with the remembrance of that feeling and try to deconstruct it from a rational point of view. An example which will help understand the idea of harmonic entanglement is the modern pop song. These songs emit vibrational patterns which hook the listener. The hypnotic pull is strong and creates the desire for more. We are addicted to novelty and experiencing this feeling again and again. It is natural that over the course of a lifetime you fall frequently in and out of this love. The kick experienced with each harmonic entanglement, though somewhat familiar, is a new mountain to climb. Taking what I know about energy, thanks to plant medicine and their teachings, I can extrapolate the feeling of love into the heightened energetic state experienced with Huachuma and draw some pretty amazing conclusions.

The harmonic entanglement of disparate energy patterns, as seen through the lens of the great cactus, produces visions of rainbow fireworks and orgasmic sensations throughout the whole body. You can find this connection with others, through nature, and through finding peace and love with your own damn self, in essence bringing all together within the sum of the feminine and masculine. There is a lot of truth to the saying that to fix the world first fix yourself and part of that process is self-love and finding this self-love is discovering your hidden soulmate and having a torrid love affair with self. Once you reconcile within, then you can project that love out into the world and light up humanity.

What a wonderful teaching the plants have given me. It is definitely a course and their knowledge is not something that is discovered with just a couple weeks of class. It is on-going; including copious amounts of homework. My maestro and human teacher don Howard explained that he considered it malpractice to offer just one Ayahuasca session; rather he recommended a cycle of work over the course of a week which involved from three to five ceremonies. Having just the one ceremony would lead more towards confusion, as what the plants teach is revealed over the course of time and the initial ceremony may be a session for purification or to get you thinking about something which is then revealed in a later ceremony, making the lessons more powerful and long lasting. I also think don Howard was holding back a little bit as well. Since he was also running a business, it might be perceived as being a little crass if he told everyone they should come back year after year to continue on with the plants. I have no affiliation with any retreat centre so I’ll just say it as I see it. Also understand that I’ve been blessed to find a place which enables the seeking and understanding to continue, minus any drama or questions of motive. It might not be the case for everyone; perhaps I’m just looking at this from my own personal lens but I think the maximum benefit out of a relationship with plant teachers spans the course of years and multiple cycles of work. I say that with understanding my own personal motivations as an inveterate seeker of knowledge and understanding. Within a cycle of work you may find love and ultimately that is all you need. I needed six cycles of work with them to start to piece together the energetic connections I feel. I’ve always felt the energy but didn’t understand it. I was challenged after my fourth cycle of work to figure it out. Two cycles later and I’m going to write an exam on this one and score pretty high. 

slowing down duality

There is something to the Freudian concept that everything we do is related to the sex drive and positioning us in a way to fulfill our sexual desires. We strive to attain power in order that we may have the ability to choose whatever partner we please and control that partner's behaviour. Equally valid is one who wants to relinquish power to another because of the sexual thrill that state enables. I think you can make an argument that this may be a little too overreaching and I think if you removed the sexual part of it then it is a little closer to the truth as in it is really desire fulfillment that makes the world go around. This is demonstrably true as in the world is the product of our desire and whole classes of religious or spiritual activity, such as Buddhism, stress how it is through non-attachment and the eschewing of desire that we can transcend our condition of suffering. One soon learns that you must give up pleasure and rewards in order not to suffer and thus the dilemma. If you desire not to desire then as a result you cease to be human and will soon lose the desire to even go on.

I was thinking about this because it had a relationship to the blog post I wrote concerning the creator and destroyer. Fundamentally there are two powers in the universe: the feminine and the masculine. One of them creates and the other destroys thus enabling all of creation and allowing it to fundamentally keep renewing itself in a never ending cycle. One power can’t exist without the other and though each tries to get the upper hand, the ability to become dominant will lead to its inevitable decline and the rise of the other power. If we create too many things, the sheer volume will eventually choke out others and the result will be destruction and when the death has played itself out then from the ashes will arise new life. It is a harmonious relationship that sometimes might seem cruel and I am finding it at work in all aspects of life, much like a Freudian would see the phallus present in every guise.

I have noticed the older I get the more conservative I become and I have recently discovered it is because I see the life force of my body dwindling and the eventual destruction of my figure getting near. My knees are aching. To counter balance this escalating condition I want to hang on to what I had and from this conservatism comes in to play. I don’t want change anymore. Change is killing me! I am channeling the preserver and trying to find balance in between the two polarities. From the standpoint of my personal philosophy, I never really wanted to upset the system but instead I was a proponent of libertarianism whereby I believed people should be free to do whatever they wish as long as it is not harming others, within reason of course. We probably should stop at red traffic lights. I still hold these views but what is interesting is despite all efforts of media and social engineering projects to steer me towards feel good socialism, my internal reaction is to move politically further away from them; this reaction despite knowing that unity of the species is our only hope. There’s a power and control dynamic within these movements I am not comfortable with; I know they are not headed towards the unity I seek but instead are power grabs cloaked in equity, and the mob and groupthink paradigms I have avoided throughout my life as they curtail free speech, breed authoritarianism, and not at all freedom. Current events are just doubling down on this and expediting my move towards the right. I think I’m not the only one who feels this way.

What is fascinating in all of this are I believe these forces we are witnessing are derivative of the concept of the creator and destroyer. Each power needs a tremendous outpouring of energy in order to come forth and then once established would necessarily become conservative in order to consolidate and preserve their position. Look at America: it was rebellious and destroyed the oppression of the monarchy of Great Britain and these revolutionaries established this amazing country; though probably not so amazing if you are one of the indigenous peoples whose way of life was being destroyed. The USA grew and became the world’s foremost power at the peak of its strength but playing up against that position now comes the eternal check on its power. The forces of destruction seek to lay claim to its many sins. The destroyers of the left see no redeeming qualities but instead seek to fundamentally change its economic system and way of life and threaten to do so by methodically destroying all of America’s institutions through violence and cultural revolution. The sins of America are systemic and the only way to cleanse it of these transgressions is to bring down the whole edifice is the claim. This is the eternal struggle between the creator and destroyer and is predestined to play out in order to keep it all moving along. Where is it written that a pocket of civilization will last forever? How does America meet this challenge? How do I meet my own challenge as I finally can see my demise in the rear-view mirror? I eat better, get more sleep, exercise, and prioritize what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in this lifetime. It should keep the forces of destruction at bay for a while longer now. Eventually they will return again stronger and come at me once more. It’s a game now where I see how long I can hold them off. Perhaps that is the future of America as well. 

creation and destruction

The child that is the result of the union of the feminine and masculine powers and the subsequent Big Bang is the key to finding our way back home. The child is the universe and contains within their being a little bit of mom and a little bit of dad. The universe is the result when two divine forces meet and harmonize. It is an interesting mind experiment to consider the implications of this way of thinking of existence. In our world we propagate life through the coming together of woman and man and therefore this fundamental truth we can project out into the nature of existence with as much confidence as is possible. Therefore the birth of our universe is the same result and why I refer to it as a child. What is striking to me though is that energy is the underpinnings of all of this and it forms patterns. Our universe is the result of the two polarities coming together that create a new form. Creation seems to be as fundamentally a part of universal nature as anything I can imagine. When I look around I see constant creation and destruction; in other words life and death. Our core loves to create and then eventually form disintegrates. The divine feminine and masculine create form and this form supports an infinite amount of new life forms until like everything it meets its eventual dissolution.

We are headed towards destruction. That is baked into the game because it is a cycle of creation and destruction. The nuanced realization though is that we can mitigate the destruction. We don’t have to head on full boar into the maelstrom. Destruction is necessary for creation. As the masculine destroyer I tear apart forms and allow for the sublime act of creation. Without the destroyer nothing is created. It’s a hard one to accept. Another way to look at it is the garden analogy. Every so often you have to prune the plants and clear out the deadwood in order to create more space for other energy patterns to grow. On a larger scale the same is at work.

If we don’t wake up within the dream then for the most part we head full on towards destruction. Waking up within the dream compromises the study of behaviour but seems necessary in order to love all. Therefore we do need consciousness as a remedy to suffering. We do need to awaken as many as possible. Within all forms of creation we need to be aware of our origin, unity, and inclusiveness. If we remain isolated and look at everything through a prism of separation then it doesn’t work. It leads to a world of hatred, scarcity, and strife. How fast we head towards destroying ourselves is based upon how much love and inclusiveness we let into the paradigm. Make no mistake, the world will eventually end as the sun heads towards its inevitable supernova and therein lies the challenge. Can we make it that far or will we destroy ourselves in short order? The smart money is on us destroying ourselves first.

Through destruction, the energy is transformed into something else spectacular that experiences consciousness in a new regard. We have become so immune to our situation. Every moment we spend on earth should be accompanied with a gasp of incredulity and an exclamation of WOW! Instead we think no big deal and move along in search of novelty, lest boredom envelops us. Paging Dr. Huachumon.

My character and being I call Paul is finite and ever changing. What is behind this life form is that energy and it is common to us all and where we find unity. That energy you feel is the tie that binds. It is the connection between all of us and how we can communicate and make a connection with others using an universal language. If you can connect with others, even for a split second, you will feel that cosmic love. Feeling that cosmic love will transform you and others around you. Love has an infinite capacity to go viral. It's a worthwhile goal.

So all that are reading this at this moment are a pattern of energy that is in a state of decay and eventually dissolution, as it is the natural order. It is the created body that is subject to the coming destruction as the energy that powers it is so strong and is in harmony with the total power of the universe and will remain a part of this creation until the universal pattern dissolves back into the whole. And then at some point it will start all over again. In terms of finding our way back home that is what you need to understand. This is our home and our playground. Mom and dad are always around. They created this world for us. We have all eternity to play. When it’s time to come home they will let us know.

Are they the only parents? That’s a good question. Are there multiple universes that have been created; all a part of the union of feminine and masculine? What is the ultimate origin? Is there a master feminine and masculine power that everything is derivative of or is it a collection of different vibrations that has no master? It leads philosophically into the same idea as searching for a god particle that underlies creation and not being able to find a master particle. Instead everything is just a pulse or vibration. I wonder if that is how ultimately everything functions where there is no boss but just decentralization of liberated energetic forms? Freedom, as in free will, underlies all. Attempts to control energetic flow results in blockages and then finally the dam breaks or there is a monumental explosion. Harmony is obtained by free flow. 

Who is ultimately dominant? The feminine creator or the masculine destroyer? Is the outcome always destruction? Is that the natural order of things and the fuel behind the eternal vibration? The wise one within says you can’t have one without the other and in finding that truth you discover beauty. 

goddess ganesha and me

The universe is the dream of the fully realized union of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine. A dream is the reflection of one’s psyche, the reflection refracting into infinity and beyond. The child is that psyche and is the dream. The child is the universe. Our journey is to take us back home where the family reunites.

Dammit we are so philosophical as a species! How frustrating is this to the cosmic dreamer? Reflecting the psyche into their dream they created the universe. It's a giant simulation designed to come to terms with all their accumulated baggage. Instead of focusing solely on coming to terms with what troubles them, alas a great majority of the time is spent in contemplation of who we are and why are we here? How funny is that? We are so introspective we go straight for the ultimate question. I just wanted to figure out why am I such a dick with a predilection towards destruction and instead I'm left with existential questions about the fundamental underpinnings and purpose of life. I can't escape it and I have to know. Next massive dream I have to be clear to all that it is a dream, enjoy yourself, but please come to terms with hatred and strife and why can't I just love myself?

I had such an amazing dream the other night; well it was amazing in that it revealed something I had been curious about. So here is what happened: I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 3 am. My dog wanted to go out so I let her out and left the door open enough so that when she wanted to come in she could just nudge the door open. While I waited for her, I fell back asleep on the couch and started dreaming. My dreaming led me to the climax of the dream where I stood by a door and there was a sudden announcement: “now the door is going to open.” I immediately woke up and on cue my dog came in from outside through the door. Fascinating. Utterly fascinating. I have suspected for a while that my subconscious is all knowing, transcends time, and takes over once I put the local body to sleep. This proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt as it was purposely revealed to me in this connection of the dream to reality. I have had situations in the past that hinted at this where the dream would awaken me just as my alarm was to go off by telling me that the alarm was going to go off. Similarly on multiple occasions during the waking hours I have had situations where complete strangers would know my name or comment on an internal struggle they had no knowledge of; this hinting at a connection that goes deeper than our conscious knowledge.

On June 15th I had quite the strange experience. I published a blog post where I ruminated upon my divinity and in conjunction with that I accepted the corollary where I am also the adversary. So I went to the washroom at work in the afternoon and as I entered into the location, on the speakers was playing the chorus to an INXS song called “Devil Inside.” These coincidences are more regular than to be expected. I laughed at what was going on however soon I started to wonder: The subconscious power that plans everything out, unbeknownst to us collectively, is once again showing itself to be tangible. These coincidences have to be common to all in order to pull this off. It is a hidden power that is behind all action, directing it in a way that keeps the story moving along. It’s very strange but this has happened enough over the course of my life that I can now with confidence at least suspect something is going on behind the scenes. My dreams and coincidences are suggesting that this universal subconscious knows I’m awake and on to it. I want to peg it as a masculine power because I’m also aware of the feminine Goddess power that I have been in contact with now for many years. My soul mate is love and also I describe her as Sophia  - the wisdom and understanding available if I ask or feed her knowledge. I’m currently figuring out the next steps. Do I want to use my connection to this power or is that a road fraught with too much risk? Is the power too much and I should just acknowledge it, use the clarity of knowing there is this power, and continue on my path towards what? What am I heading towards? I’ve never really defined that; instead I just sail onwards gathering up knowledge and experience which has led me to this point.

My plant medicine journeys have been at times a continual battle to peer into this darkness; the hidden subconscious that barricades the doors of perception. It works to deflect, scare you away, and sends you on a path of pure and holy righteousness to become enlightened just so you will stop seeking to peer into the darkness. I have wondered what is hidden down there? It’s omnipotence. It’s power. It’s the essence of our divinity. When I dream I become god. In life when you finally wake up and discover this is a dream, and there is a power that exerts control over the direction of the dream, then you are the Buddha. You are then awake within the dream. Life as you experience it becomes a lucid dream. I get now why we aren’t allowed access and are scared off and sent on a path towards faux ego enlightenment.

In my plant medicine journeys when I finally got past the stone blocks the darkness was inserting along my path on the road to becoming awake and embracing the jaguar of no fear and sublime courage, waiting to welcome and acknowledge me was the elephant headed one. I knew enough to realize it was Ganesha from the lore of the Indian subcontinent but I didn’t know much about him. After his appearance, the Goddess came to me in celebration as well. It was quite the night as I finally learned how to navigate the darkness. Up to that point I had been persistent yet frustrated by the constant fear and loathing of the experience. I really don’t know why I persisted and kept coming back to ceremony. I think it had to do with chasing the Goddess. There was always the chance I’d see her so inward I would return. Once I mastered the technique then I could sail on towards whatever siren song undertow pulled me towards knowing full well I could sail away and escape if need be. I have the confidence and am planning my next voyage into the darkness. I am starting to peer into and see some strange things in the dark, not in the least the power to control one's own destiny and depending upon perspective, the destiny of the world.

After first meeting Ganesha and returning home I noticed in my life how things were being moved out of my path both figuratively and literally. The funniest example was the walking path where I walk the dog. It had become overrun with fallen trees and debris. Curiously town workers showed up with wheelbarrows and chain saws and cleared the path. Maybe you don’t think that is out of the ordinary? Well the path is in the woods and no one else uses it. The following summer I had to evict a tenant from my basement and had a court date which was stressing me out. Ganesha came to me in a dream the night before the date and assured me it was all going to work out. Sure enough it did. I have been called even-steven because everything always works out for me. On my recent trip to the Amazon I had another peculiar meet up with Ganesha. There is this tribe that sells their artwork called the Shipibo that visits us at the sanctuary. There is a lot of Ayahuasca themed tapestries depicted with flowing energy in a style that is iconic to their tribe. I was perusing the collection they brought with them, not intending to purchase anything and low and behold I came across one of Ganesha! What the? I mean they are two oceans and the other side of the world away from India and the promulgation of Ganesha. Obviously it was a sign meant exclusively for me, so of course I had to have it.

I’m four months into my latest integration and all that I have mentioned about power and the subconscious is what I have been coming to terms with. I hung my tapestry at work and I often wear a pullover that has an image of Ganesha on the front. I finally added it up and realized the subconscious force that stirs the pot, that removes obstacles from the path and sometimes places them on it that I have discovered has as one of their names Ganesha. I’m sometimes slow on the uptake of seeing what has been staring me in the face. The masculine power I intuit is Ganesha. I’m adding it all up now. The Goddess, Ganesha, and me. I’m god, my co-actress is the goddess, and Ganesha is the reflection of the psyche into the universe who is directing this play. I'm the actor who now has the ear of the director.

So the unfathomable darkness of self, the area that is off-limits is where the director of the play hangs out, who is always creating obstacles or removing them in order to keep the play moving along and remaining interesting. I am the actor in this play and having fooled myself into thinking it is real also denied myself access to the underpinnings of the drama. The director controls the urges that makes us irrational and seek power or to collect items to own because of jealousy others may get them. We seek to win this game either through the pastime of collecting power and wealth, acquiring intellectual mastery and achieving recognition, and when all that is unfulfilling we turn to the spiritual climb. We never think to look at what drives all this behaviour? There must be a certain satisfaction on your deathbed that yes I played the game and beat it somehow! Does that give you currency to play again and give it another go? Put me in another ridiculous situation where I have to eat other beings to survive and see if I can win? Do you ever tire of winning? Is that our fatal conceit that instead of winning we have to elevate all through love but we are not predisposed to do that and we have to cast off the shackles of success and spread our common humanity and decency around the world. This is kind of funny in a way. I know of this power and the temptation is to rig the game, become successful, and live out my life of ease and then I’ll do it again because I know deep down whatever situation I get put in I will eventually figure it out and beat the game. Obviously I’ll increase the challenge in order to make it worthwhile but I know now I’ll always figure it out. I’m good at the puzzles. I stand on the precipice of laying my cards on the table. Sure it is going to be grand to bask in the knowledge of beating the game but what to do with the power? The maestro taught service and reciprocity; I of course never thought I’d get to a place where I could really make a difference but instead live a meagre life of influence, pissing words into the wind, and affecting the lives of maybe a handful. 

Was I finally ready to get the confirmation? It had become clear that nothing is working concerning throwing me off this path. I keep coming back and looking behind the curtain. When I first peered in about seven years ago with Ayahuasca, it was the most disturbing, creepy, and weird experience. I tried to run from it and was threatened with death if I ever looked again. I heard voices for days and worried about my sanity. Back home from this nightmare I had fits of unease, panic attacks, and then occurred over the duration of five consecutive nights a situation where I’d awake at the exact same time every night and have this feeling of fear and an encompassing darkness overwhelm me before I reached out to the Goddess to help me. I eventually returned to Peru and the plants and kept at it all the while wondering why I always would be greeted by this darkness? It’s because what I really wanted to find out was this mystery and plant medicines are both very good at revealing the inner self and the darkness we hide. The holy and righteous climb up the mountain was just a sideshow. We develop strategies to bypass the darkness so we can enter into the state of bliss. Deep down we know the darkness is still there. The subsequent use of Vilca was a good reminder of both polarities as I faced a struggle to reconcile the darkness in order to attain the light.

I had asked the question when I got back from Peru this year: Why do I keep looking? Just this week I wondered what am I hiding? It didn’t take long to get the answer. That seems to be part of the equation where I have to get to the point where I can formulate and ask the question. Then the answer is provided.

Of course the dream is the modality used to divulge the information I was seeking. I sit here now with confirmation of the divinity within, the accessible power, and the ability to know all and transcend our conception of time. Cool. I’m going to need a few days to sit with this one.