spiritual babble

The pandemic is part blessing and for all I know was designed and mapped out on the game board to be part of my spiritual journey that forced me to seek answers away from the molecular onslaught of the powerful plant medicine teachers Ayahuasca and Huachuma. My repeated spiritual odysseys to Peru were put on pause. My integration period after their use average out to a year, which does give me ample time to sit with what I directly experienced. To be sure, I am still getting lessons and revelations of visionary experience from eight years ago but it’s not surprising as communion with plant medicine teachers really is lifelong continuing education. I would have gone back to Peru in February of 2021 if I could have. I’ve reached a point in my exploration of consciousness where instead of running scared or struggling with the experience, I find the whole immersion uplifting to my soul and gives me a yearly hit of the spiritual to sustain me for another year.

The plan, as drawn up on my chalkboard, was to dive deep into the abyss and confront my shadow. I wanted to see what made me tick and why I’m wired the way I am. I wanted to re-live my first experience with the medicine when it scared me silly; this time exploring the hidden toy box of repression and discovery. Finally realizing and accepting that 2021 was a write-off in terms of travel coincided with exploring my darkness with the tools I have at my disposal, helped by the tobacco maestro Mapacho. I gathered up all the knowledge as revealed by the plants and my in class experiential interaction with my shadow and sat with it, all the while using the grace of Mapacho to activate the hidden power within me. I made the connection of the unveiled and coursing power at the root of the seat of my being to the divine masculine and this source coming from a place buried deep within me. My knowledge coalesced into understanding and I realized I didn’t need to be in an Ayahuasca ceremony to explore what I kept in the darkness. All I had to do was integrate the sum total of all my lessons. There comes a point in the journey where you have the requisite knowledge you need in order to unlock the mysteries of life. What is then required are the twin graces of wisdom and understanding. Plant medicine journeys will give you knowledge but it is within the integration period where you take the knowledge and cultivate understanding. Once understood, you can apply it freely to your situation and see the same in others. This is wisdom.

Through understanding, I realized my ability to directly connect with the divine masculine and feminine powers and to take it at face value. I experienced this connection over and over again in ceremony, visions, and dreams yet instead of accepting it, I was always unsure of the visions; in essence thinking I wasn’t important enough to have this relationship. Eventually, coming to the realization that I’m a mystic was a major step on this path of discovery and getting to my true nature. Everyone has a calling in life; something they are really good at. I’m good at a lot of things but have never found something I’m exceptional at. I think I found it. I can enter into communion through ritual and ceremony with the help of my friend and ally Mapacho. The exploration of self and what makes me tick is a satisfying endeavour while I bide my time until I can return to Peru.

I am deluded enough to believe I am on the eternal path towards discovery of the mystery and am acquiring all the answers to fully unlock the secrets. I am able to navigate cultural norms with ease and I come off as being level headed, consistent, and dependable. Spend some time with me and you’ll start to wonder. To blow past cultural blocks is intoxicating. To unlock more of the mystery is the juice that keeps me going. I have to utilize all the tools at my disposal to gain knowledge and ferment the alchemical process of understanding, allowing me to advance past obstacles in my way on this journey. For example, plant medicines are one of the available paths. I got the message early on which was the sobering advice to not abuse the privilege. Enter into the sacred and subsequently integrate the experience, which is a lifelong process. Ideally, once a year is enough for a cycle of work. The curriculum is so dense there’s really no need for more. This advice was from a man who had integrity. He could have easily taken advantage of my enchantment with the plants but instead cautioned me on their use and the need to process the experience. Come back when you’re ready, you’ll know, but not before then.

I know the secrets of my shadow and the many faces of god. I went to the divine family reunion with Goddess and God - Mom and Dad. I understand who I am and my origins. I now have to formulate my intentions for continuing on the plant medicine path. I am an explorer at heart and I will continue, though I have definitely learned I have been gifted with all the tools I need to study here at home. I have a pretty good feeling and intuition my next course will involve energy and consciousness and the modality of transformation. I’ve seen my destiny in a grand visionary Vilca experience with these beings made of a form consisting of the love of the Goddess and enlivened by the constant transformational magic of God. They were spectacular multi-dimensional, shining, and crazy diamonds of light, cycling through the colour spectrum whilst welcoming me home. Why else did I have this vision?

As humans who have advanced cognitive abilities that allow us to know that we know, we are truly to become greater than the gods. It is the final stage of our evolutional development. The gods I speak of are the divine feminine and masculine. In duality, they exist as separate and must come together to create. Their creation is a forging of the two powers in the universe in this child. As children of the two divine powers, we come forth with the potential to evolve into a greater conscious form than the parents.

Non-duality is the merging together of the masculine and feminine into a singularity. The creation of duality is the separation of the two that were one. From the separation of these powers eventually develops the power of awareness as the freedom allows for objectification and an awareness of self. The evolution of awareness leads towards consciousness where we know we are aware. The evolution of consciousness follows the physical evolution of species. Where does this lead? The path of the evolution of consciousness leads towards the creation of entities that are greater than the gods; the gods being the elemental powers. The energetic forces become self-aware and we are the vehicle to accomplish this progression when we awake to the discovery of the power inherent within. Reclaiming your essential self, which is power, allows you to forge consciousness with power and create an imperishable and eternal being. The addition of the love of the divine feminine into the mix tempers the grandiose predilection towards destruction such a being may exhibit. The secret to eternal life is transformation. As I mentioned above, the eternal being will consist of a form of the love of the divine feminine in combination with the continual transformation of the rising and falling of the divine masculine energy as light cycling through the energetic colour spectrum. This new being is both dual and non-dual, depending on perspective. It is the merging of the two archaic eternal energies with the self-awareness enabled by duality. The all-encompassing creation is multi-dimensional and thus I can only describe what I saw in vision as a shining and crazy diamond composed of love and exhibiting ever transforming light. They are pure and holy beings of love and light and the forging of the two is my eternal destiny. These beings welcome those who can break free of one’s consciousness suppression into their realm for a glimpse of one's destiny.

Knowledge from four years ago did become understanding and the trivial doubts I carry with me about the experience fall by the wayside. 

lesson of the days

I left my house Monday morning in an uneventful manner as I had many times before. Because I question everything, this was the day that I finally questioned why I was doing this. I mean I like my comfortable life and doing the Monday to Friday thing allows me to navigate the vagaries of life with aplomb. However, there is something quite strange about falling into patterns of behaviour that reinforce your comfort zone and perpetuate your cultivated existence. Like MasterCard, stability has its rewards. In contrast, us humans like novelty and the colour in life comes from new experiences and not falling into traps that deliver the predictable results with the side effect being having to wonder: Is this what life is really all about?

I thought back to a dream I had recently where I lost my job and it caused me great upset. I guess I had to chew on that for a bit before moving on to the guts of the lesson. In retrospect, the teacher on the path I walk placed a huge obstacle to overcome in my lesson plan. First off, he had to scare the proverbial shit out of me, make me question my fortitude, and force me to summon courage in order to transform myself from weak to strong and from fearful to brave. I look back upon my journey and I now know they were tests, though at the time it was all so confusing. I successfully passed these tests after displaying fortitude and courage. I can say this knowing full well the outcome was in doubt. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to go back to my mediocre life and not have to face up to the challenge of a lifetime. Regret is a good motivator and ultimately wanting to walk this path meant I had to step up to the plate. Ultimately, I was successful and got my stripes. I know what I did and who I took on to prove myself. Now, within me is the undeniable knowledge I can handle whatever is thrown at me. The dream of losing my job was to challenge and take me a step further.

So, I left my house and the voice questioned me: What are you doing? Why are you spinning your wheels going through this whole routine day after day? I thought about it and in a way, I’m being of service to the attachments I have acquired throughout my life. It’s comfortingly noble! I have an excuse for why I’m not free - I’m being of service! There’s truth to it. I’m a good provider however without balance I lose my way. It was pretty incredible I was able to take up my sword on this path and get as far as I have come considering the cultural prohibitions and family ties that prevent most from exploring that which calls out to them. We all get the inkling of something perhaps greater however by the time we are ready to follow what is calling out to us we are too old and too tired. Those with families and respectable jobs don’t out of the blue trek into the jungle in order to lose their sense of self. The inner voice was now questioning why I’m afraid of giving up the day to day routine and stopping the pathological madness. I like assured meals, a little spending money in my pocket, and a soft mattress in a warm place to sleep at night. I have a family that relies on me and a dog that adores me. That’s what keeps me going.

Additionally, I have wondered why I can’t transcend destructive behaviours that plague me. In truth, I’m a psychologist's dream. Deep down, I know I have the resolve to overcome anything that is thrown at me; in fact, I have done it against all odds. I took on a Dragon and came out in one piece. I look back at and marvel that for two years and eight months I was a total ascetic, eschewing all the guilty pleasures in life. It was one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of humankind! I could do it again if need be. If the chase of transient worldly pleasures gets too much in my way I could go back to that lifestyle. In the end, I know it doesn’t free me; I’m just delaying the inevitable return and at the end of the road I will be left with a big bag of nothing.

This gets to the crux of the matter and the spiritual journey. Our lives are to be lived in the fires of transformation. Through suffering and the fires of this hell, steel is forged, burning away desires as dross, and tempering this new alloy with the love of the Goddess. Through this incarnation the path leads towards purification of your energetic signature, that in combination with conscious awareness, allows you to become a pure and holy being greater than the gods. By pure and holy I mean energy free of attachment and desire that weigh you down within a form made of love. The form is enlivened by the constant pulsing and transforming energy that keeps the spectre of death at bay. I’ve seen this outcome in vision so though it sounds like I’m nuts, it’s my truth. I’ve glimpsed my destiny and here on earth I walk a path towards that outcome. Within this lifetime we re-discover, transform, and become ready to fly free like the butterfly that drops the caterpillar body.

The lesson for the day was if you want to transcend the behaviours and desires that plague you, you have to extricate yourself from the scene you have trapped yourself in. It’s pretty clear in my behaviour I seek to destroy my cultivated life. I walk on the edge of ruin wondering what it would be like to fall into the abyss; waiting for someone to shove me in so I don’t have to be the bad guy who makes the decision to jump. As long as I remain doing the same old same old then the thirst for liberation and self-destruction will continue. Well, there’s my answer. My teacher was thorough in teaching this lesson; watching me fail over and over again, leading me to the edge of frustration before I realized why I can’t transcend what vexes me. My trade-off for this comfortable life is an inner cry for freedom at any price that keeps bubbling over and just gets worse. It’s like a leaky boat where thinking the hole is going to close up is the real madness. Ignoring the hole gives only temporary mental refuge from the situation. It’s just going to keep getting bigger until eventually you go down with the ship. Destiny proclaims I will leave the boat one way or the other. I can stay on the boat until it capsizes and then struggle to stay afloat or I can jump off the boat before the inevitable collapse, swim towards my freedom, and put destiny in my own hands.

It’s a worthwhile course I enrolled in. I like the no nonsense and tough answers I eventually grasp.

I came across Jordan Peterson on Wednesday talking about sacrifice and it stirred something within me.

https://youtu.be/ISHmPXOS_Og?t=898

I have limited use for Christianity, I’ll bluntly tell you Jesus is an avatar for the weak, however I can talk Christian theology with some good clarity and I understand the lessons of the Bible. I started thinking about sacrifice. In the Old Testament it’s pretty preposterous. Abraham was going to sacrifice his first-born son Isaac in order to curry favour with Yahweh until it was called off at the last moment. It’s what happened; for real. As well, the whole sacrificial system of the Old Testament is based upon sin. The wages of sin is death and as payment to escape the punishment the follower has to give up something of value which evolved into animal sacrifice. Okay, that’s the explanation so that’s out of the way. What intrigued me was the metaphor of giving something up of value in exchange for a boon which is ultimately reciprocity and something I am familiar with in partaking of plant medicines. You ask for something and offer something back in return. Reneging on the bargain is not a good idea as it was also stressed in the Old Testament. The conception of reciprocity does seem to be universal and there is a higher understanding to grasp as opposed to behavioural reconciliation through ritually killing a goat because you didn’t honour the sabbath. Intuition is telling me the absurdity of the biblical stories are pointing to a higher truth much like arguing the existence of Noah's ark is debating metaphor with today's science. That's what is truly absurd. I had a feeling that if I want to free myself of my behaviours I don’t like I need to sacrifice them. I need to recognize I value them however to go forward on my spiritual path involves sacrifice. It resonated deep within but I need to sit with it for a while before making a commitment.

The answers are finally coming. They always come fast when it’s time. I watched a Russell Brand video on Thursday where he described his drug use and hitting rock bottom.

https://youtu.be/PG6JP12OMPM?t=103

The takeaway for me from the video is how he explained the motivation behind all addictions. Addictions are an unconscious attempt at destruction; to annihilate the self and experience liberation. The filters of the perceived self are destroyed and you become free. That is the impulse behind the progression of addiction. The attempt at self-destruction just needs a vehicle - whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, food, risk taking etc. At first, the behaviour is fun however it eventually is used by the destructive impulse within to free oneself from the clutches of his fellow cultural enforcers.

This was the clearest explanation I have ever had of what I have experienced throughout my life. It’s no mere coincidence that I finally came across this confirmation as I did ask for answers to why I am wired the way I am with a predilection for self-destruction. On Monday morning that voice in my head said it will remain that way until I extricate myself from the life I have created. I was frustrated that I cannot beat the demon once and for all. I’m very good at avoidance however he just lays in wait for the next opportunity.

The demon is the Dragon; he’s the teacher in disguise, and he is one of the many faces of God. It’s a tough course in liberation however once you understand the truth, the destructive power of the Dragon is yours and leads you to destroying the chains that have bound you for so long and for so many incarnations. Once removed, you see God as the liberator and taste the sweet nectar of the vine of freedom. 

greater than the gods

I’m greater than the gods! Got your attention, didn’t I?

Why do we need to go into our shadow? You know, shadow work. The primary reason is to explore what you have buried, life traumas, issues you have not come to terms with, or haven’t accepted nor integrated into your life as of yet. Childhood traumas are a huge issue for a great deal of adults. There comes a great catharsis, relief, and letting go from acknowledging, coming to terms with, forgiving, and letting go of these energetic holds upon your condition. I lay claim to none of that as my childhood was relatively happy and I have no issues to explore from that period of my life that need closure. For sure, like every human on this planet, I have had some slights or difficult situations that have influenced the shaping of my life. I don’t talk about them but I haven’t buried them. Instead, I have chalked them up to experience.

So, personally examining shadow work is wanting to explore what makes me tick. When I reach deep down and need courage, or motivation, or to rise to the occasion to whom do I call on? When I need someone to blame for my shortcomings, who is there to take responsibility? Society? My parents? My shadow? These desires that keep tripping me up - where do they come from? Must be my shadow, right? The shadow is the toy box where everything is dumped into at the end of the day. There’s something comforting about having a reliable punching bag, holder of repressed emotions, and general scapegoat to lay off all my inadequacies.

The shadow is present within all life forms however it is only us humans that bury this part of us. Shadow is a misnomer; he is the divine masculine energy that pulses throughout the universe, enlivening the forms constructed by the divine feminine. So, it stands to reason that when you go off on a journey to find yourself you will encounter this god, entity, being, spirit, dragon, jaguar, adversary, and so on. And the same situation will occur with the feminine in the form of a goddess, lover, maiden, succubus, and fairy. This I write with some authority as I have experienced them both on this journey and they are conceptually my cosmic parents though it goes much deeper than that recognition in that as a gendered male I am both father and son. What I’m trying to get at in this musing is that every one of us human forms is a distinct biological form containing within them the same two spirits as mentioned above. The shadow I can discover, who at first meeting will scare the shit out of you, is the same spirit within all of us and it's my connection along with the Goddess to everyone on this planet. This knowledge lets me understand the basic makeup of everyone I meet, what they are going through, and at what stage of this discovery and awakening they are at. This puts me at a great advantage.

What is fascinating about our biological condition is that the all, the combination of feminine and masculine, has succeeded in creating a new entity that has autonomy. What I mean is that you are unique. You contain the signature of mom and dad however you are a blank slate; free to make of the opportunity with what you will. You consist of immortality and mortality. Through constant transformational magic of the masculine and re-birth magic of the feminine you transform mortality into immortality or as a sage would say, “ceaseless coming and going.” Another sage would explain this is the wheel of incarnation to which you would look for a way out through enlightenment.

The way out is to become greater than the gods. How would one go about that process? It involves combining conscious biological life with the eternal life force; in essence having the eternal energy become aware. That’s the divide. The separation of the two is found in the awareness. As a biological entity, I am aware of my surroundings; I am conscious. Energy is omnipresent but is not aware unless it has a vehicle to become aware much like light doesn’t shine unless it has a vehicle to allow for the condition of transformation from energy to light. The biological life form is what allows for a degree of consciousness of the energy, think of consciousness as light, however the biological form claims it all for themselves as opposed to an even split with what we eventually determine is our shadow. Consciousness as the light casts a shadow that we choose to not recognize. The divine energy that we do not recognize is the shadow. It’s the shadow because we buried that half of us as we became accepted into our human society and peculiarities of culture. And then we attached all desires and emotions we did not want to deal with to the shadow. We are the architect of the monster. To return to what was, we have to re-discover, come to terms with, and acknowledge the shadow. Apologize for our disregard and malice. Once re-integrated, the human partnership project can resume.

In totality, we contain in our form the essence of all there is. Waiting to be discovered is a goddess and a god; your celestial parents. The mother is love and wisdom who will do anything for her children. There is also jealousy and desire that arise from separating the feminine from the masculine. The father is courage, strength, valour, and reasoning allowing you to use your mental faculties to solve any problem put before you. He is also a dragon that rages and a rampaging jaguar that dominates and destroys those in his way. Coming forth as a man, I meet the father in the depths as my shadow. When I get to know him and re-discover this hidden relationship he becomes my teacher; teaching his son how to become a warrior and master his domain. The mother teaches me to love, play, and to help others in need. In addition, I discover my hidden soulmate; the maiden who makes me whole. The coming together of our being into one is beyond description. The attraction is intense and the fire burns within to explore this relationship.

When I look at my dog, I see the energetic powers of the universe having come forth in a biological form. My dog operates upon instinct for the most part. She has awareness, yet the differences between her species and mine is I can think about thinking and create constructs out of these intellectual feedback loops until I bring the concepts to life through desire.

I was thinking about this because I have a secret. I know I can become greater than the gods and by this, I mean my celestial parents; the divine feminine and masculine to which I refer from whence all comes forth. Humans are unique in that we are the result of the fount of the eternal energies that created the universe and we have conscious awareness and an intellectual capacity to understand that we know that we know. I’m not sure my dog knows she is aware or can conceptualize her situation but for the most part runs on instinct which in a way is a pre-programmed set of instructions activated by biological need. Animals don’t think about thoughts or sit down to meditate in order to give their thinking mind a break. What I mean about becoming greater than the gods is I am unique in that I am aware. I also know of the power within that animates all of creation yet operates in a shadowy world, obfuscated from the consciousness of biological life. The power, my parents, exist as a twinning of feminine and masculine that I have interacted with and have invited to come forth within the vehicle of self. This is a fancy way of saying that I no longer need to seek power; instead I am power. I can shine with the light of man and express the love of the woman. I can rescue both from the shadowy world where they were left buried in order for my biological form to take centre stage for the majority of my life. The downhill ride of my life span has allowed me to let go and enjoy the gravitational force that propels me along on the path. I don’t have to do the difficult climb up the mountain anymore. That part of the journey is in the rear-view mirror. I let it go and allow the divine part of me to come forth. A goddess and a god that are conscious, aware, and eternal. I’m the good son. 

do you believe in god?

At multiple points in our life we face this strange question: Do you believe in God? Curiously, it’s not a one-time occurrence. Over and over again you are asked this question and I have always found it catches me off guard and I have an internal reaction to the question. You can’t escape the question because for some it's a veiled way to judge you by how you answer. The religious will know they can count on you to join in their groupthink if you answer in the affirmative and the atheist will give you a knowing nod if you answer no. As well, there is the child who innocently asks you the same question with no ulterior motive. Because they look up to you and can be influenced by your answer, I’m always hesitant to answer.

I have a friend on a similar journey who has been using this word quite regularly as of late and it is the catalyst for why I actually wanted to concretize my experience with “God” so the next time someone asks me this question I can wax eloquently for a nauseatingly long time about what I know.

Now, I said, "what I know" because I’m not comfortable with faith and belief. Indeed, it is possible you can know and the remnants of my coming of age as a man of reason and logic still influence my thought processes. In fact, I wouldn’t be walking this spiritual path if I didn’t think I could know. I would have abandoned ship a long time ago. I’m not saying that I’ll ever know all the answers because I won’t but as long as I keep going on the path I’ll acquire knowledge which will then lead to understanding and eventually you will see me as a madman on the street corner quoting biblical verses about the need to repent and the coming apocalypse. Okay, scratch the last part. Instead, my goal is to be able to formulate my answer to this strange question in a way that will plant a seed.

I’m surprised it has taken me this long to actually sit down and write out my answer to the question. I say this because when I reached middle age 13 years ago, I resolutely decided I was going to discover the origin of beliefs. I considered myself an atheist but I was curious as to why humans had these strange beliefs in god, gods, and the like. We have a great capacity for the irrational however at the same time it is always balanced out by the level-headed among us and for a great deal of human history this question would have been preposterous to even ask. The rational and irrational took this for granted and did not question the existence of the gods. I pondered the reasons for these unchallenged beliefs; deducing that superstition and wishful thinking along with a desire for an explanation of why things are the way they are in order to find meaning and purpose to life were plausible as answers. I also hypothesized maybe there was more to it than my rational brain could comprehend and perhaps the mystics of yore were able to make a connection with ethereal spirits. At any rate, I was supremely self-confident in my ability to eventually find the answer. It’s something that has served me well in my life - I know if I put my mind towards a problem I’ll get the answer. That in combination with the realization I’m a mystic at heart will lead me into uncharted territory the sober logicians among us fear to tread. As a champion of reason and logic, it is quite surprising that I can approach the mystical and explore. The scientist can only get so far before they start trying to map out the experience instead of letting go and free-falling into the abyss.

When I started out on this path, I investigated the world religions of current day and antiquity and became fascinated with the ancient Egyptians. The soaring majestic structures of the land and outpouring of religious literature of their culture led me towards an intellectual acceptance that allowed me to take them at their word. I believed what it was they were trying to convey. Would you build an unfathomable pyramid based upon superstition? Not only that, but the construction of multiple pyramids plus hundreds of temples. This allowed me to turn my efforts towards figuring out how they did it. By it I mean not how they managed to physically build a pyramid which is a mystery in itself, but how they came into contact with their gods. To make a long story short, in essence a study of the great goddesses of the land gave me the answer. The great goddess Hathor at her temple in Denderah was propitiated and approached through ecstatic dance, percussive and rhythmic music making, and intoxication. I connected this to archaic shamanism and a series of fortunate events then led me into the Amazon basin to drink this psycho-spiritual potion called Ayahuasca. Within a half hour of drinking that cup I had my answer.

Knowledge and understanding are quite different concepts. Just because I now knew there was a realm of spirits, gods, and goddesses didn’t mean I understood what it was all about. That has taken over seven years to get to the point where I can confidently answer the question, "do you believe in God?"

And here’s my answer. I believe in God and Goddess. I’ve met them. I have spoken at length with both of them.

As a mystic, it's actually not surprising I can do this. There currently isn't an academy for aspiring mystics that award you with a diploma in recognition of your power. Instead, you just know. It's the same with enlightenment where we look externally for confirmation of our spiritual mastery. It's quite funny to me. 

God and Goddess are my eternal parents who are the omnipresent flowing energy that are the fundamental makeup of everything in this universe. Everything is energy and the energy is the interplay of God and Goddess. The masculine divine is the acceleration of the pulse of energy and the divine feminine is the deceleration of the energy. She creates form and he provides the form with the spark of life. She promotes the coming together of all through love and he seeks liberation through destruction of form. The attraction between the two and the constant transformation at the heart of all is just what is. When they are together in a cosmic embrace we have darkness and potential. Come the Big Bang we have separation and light. And the appearance of a multitudinous of form as in their offspring. Within creation plays out the continual eternal pulse of just what is and because we have become self-aware we develop consciousness and can sense the energetic patterns of the universe. The evolution of this conscious awareness is the gift of mom and dad. Their children were conceived to become greater than the gods through the combination of energy and consciousness. The ultimate gift of love consists of eternal life in combination with knowing you are eternal. Your parents created this for you and bequeathed it all to their children.

My father doesn’t suffer fools. It has to be this way to teach you to be a brave warrior, full of strength and courage. Stand up for yourself. Don’t be a coward. The many faces of God are all my cosmic dad; the supreme actor whose methods of teaching are harsh. In addition, he is like the genie with the three wishes. He will offer you whatever you want and the smart play is turn him down and put him back in the bottle. I chafed at the god of the Old Testament for so long until I saw in him one of the many faces of God. Meet him in this guise and the phrase, “fear and trembling” comes to life. Now, I read the story of the Jews and see in it what happens when you ask for power. These are stories about power, reciprocity, recompense, and the consequences of not living up to your end of the bargain.

My mom created this playground called earth that us ungrateful siblings are fouling at an accelerated rate. I remember when I started out in earnest on the hero’s journey to reveal the mystery and find my treasure. She knew it could end in disaster because the ultimate alpha male, my dad, pulls no punches and will kill you if he must to teach you a lesson. She tried to hold on to me, to protect me, but eventually realized I had to do it. I was ready and she had to let me go. She gave me her cloak of protection and sent me on my way to face the dragon.

Throughout our lives the answer to the mystery stares us right in the face. We just don’t see it. As a parent you want everything for your children. You sacrifice. You witness them rebel and try to make it on their own and you let them go because you know it has to be this way. You want to step in and make it all work for them; to give them advice and a helping hand but ultimately you know for growth you let them find their way and hope that one day they find their way back home. I have walked this path for a long time now and I have returned to the steps of the front door of mom and dad. The greatest gift is the discovery of just who you are. I see it clearly now and the tears are flowing as I ready for the reunion. We are all the sons and daughters of God and Goddess. The two divine parents are the essence of my being and I carry them with me on my forever path.

acceleration and deceleration

The dream I had a week ago Saturday night will leave me food for thought for quite a while as it was a full plate. During the day, the weather and sunshine contributed to the first spring like day of the year and I spent a great deal of time outside, all the while smoking away on Mapacho. For those unfamiliar with the tobacco maestro, he is a potentiator of dreams, always reminding me that Ayahuasca visions and dreams are of the same world.

So, here’s the dream: I had been hanging out with three other people in a remote location; the identity of the those with me were generic, no one familiar. This particular evening, I went to a sacred spot of visions. There was no catalyst needed; instead you peered into this darkness and it became visionary. With me during this occasion was one of the women. She peered in and then encouraged me to do so. The visions were kaleidoscopic and abstract in nature. I commented that I wished I could record what I am seeing through the auspices of my mind that is interpreting the energy in this portal. The woman with me was talking to me about these revelations and how she needed to show others this place of wonder. She then became part of the experience and started directly communicating with me without speech. I have previously experienced this modality of communication during Ayahuasca ceremonies with the Great Goddess. Eventually, I felt the woman I was in communion with merge into me until she squeezed my chest and heart so much I felt smothered and couldn’t breathe. I physically felt these sensations though I was dreaming which eventually woke me up. The suffocation stopped once I stopped struggling and accepted the hug. When I came to, I was in a wtf state for a bit before I started trying to comprehend the dream. I wasn’t scared though I had some adrenaline flowing from the experience and recurring tingles throughout my body because of the excitement. It was a bit of a shock however a testament to my experience on this path that I did not get frightened or have some kind of panic about what transpired but instead I experienced recurring chills in regards to how real it was. Mapacho makes the dream so real it makes me question the reality I live in. I have indeed dreamt before a dream that fingered Mapacho as the potentiator of the mental energy behind this reality we think is really real.

I have a few initial takeaways from the dream. The major one was the feminine spirit I felt merge with me and squeeze me like a constrictor. I tried to figure out who she represents but, in the end, I think she is an amalgamation of the feminine divine. The dream is showing me the underlying desire of the feminine to possess. They want to hold on so tight and sometimes it leads to smothering. Lately, I have been marvelling at the symbol of the serpent for the feminine because of how in life too much love can lead to feeling suffocated much like a boa constrictor would squeeze the life out of you. The way out is not to avoid love but to let it happen. Let the serpent constrictor have her embrace, celebrate her love, find balance, and proceed to once again disengage and go your separate ways. I also thought about the human custom of hugging and how it uniquely captures the instinct to love, squeeze, and possess. Further clarity on that dream is I remember an Ayahuasca ceremony in 2016 where the Goddess as a green boa entered into my body and took up residence in me. I’d have to believe then the woman with me at the visionary site was her. She was reminding me of the need to stay heart strong on this path.

Another takeaway is something intuitive where I have noticed the feminine has this occult power resident within that I’m not sure they even understand. It is magical and sends out vibrations that are intent upon enchantment. I say this because of certain women I meet who I know become interested in the vibe I put out and in turn they want to possess it. I don’t say this in terms of self-aggrandizement or wanting to give myself an ego boost but instead recognize it for what it is. Ultimately, I am walking a path that has to remember liberation is the key ingredient. I believe the dream represents an obstacle on the path being the tendency of the feminine to ensnare, not in a devious and plotting manner, but in a loving way and this makes you give up the path towards the answer to the mystery and parallel journey that calls out to you. You sacrifice the odyssey to tend to the needs of the feminine archetype which is to create family. In parallel, men also have an instinct to possess, we like to collect things, which in turn enslaves us. I remember a Ram Dass talk teaching the way out of this behaviour. It’s to treat all as the beloved instead of continuously collecting individual manifestations of the beloved. My first cycle of work with Ayahuasca in 2013 dealt with this very predicament. The masculine energy I was in communion with was presenting as a madman and was spouting off about the feminine in a very misogynist tone. I remember sitting there in the dark in the middle of the jungle listening to this and wondering what I had got myself into? I was being told the subjugation of the feminine was because of her charms that took the man repeatedly away from his reason for being here in form in the repeat of his incarnation. To walk the path of the hero was thwarted by settling down into domestic hell. I didn’t know it at the time but this appearance of a madman was just one of the ways the divine masculine can manifest in vision. Sometimes, he’s stark raving mad, pulsing with energy, and other times he’s a wise grandfather. I now celebrate them all. At that particular time, he came on in this way to teach me the lesson. Well, that and to chase me away to see if I had the courage and fortitude to return and take up my sword of liberation.

The thing about the hero’s journey calling out to you is that it leads to liberation of not only the masculine spirit within but will also free the feminine from the masculine’s desire to possess. When the masculine pursues the feminine he becomes a collector, and being the stronger of the two powers he ends up locking her up in a castle made of gold or in some cultures she is veiled and never let out without being escorted by her husband or brothers. The path of freedom leads to extricating oneself from cultural constructs and at the same time making this freedom available to all.

I also recall Ram Dass telling a story where his guru Maharaji-ji told him he should be alone. I don’t have a Maharaji but I do know I need to be alone. The pitfall is that if I spend too much time alone I become destructive so once again it leads me towards seeking balance. Then the scales tip in the other direction and I have to extricate myself out of the ensuing predicament. Ram Dass further explained this advice with the caveat that though he should be alone, contradictory he should be with others. What this advice is getting at are the subjects of freedom and attachment. You can be around others and enjoy them however do not get attached. You’ll sacrifice your freedom on the altar of possessive love or co-opt your ideals to fit in with the group and it’s game over. The journey comes to a sudden stop. Maybe next time you’ll beat the game. Therein lies the rub. There’s always a next time so we fall into the trap and say we have come far in this incarnation and we’ll get them next time. There’re no guarantees. I got a good roll of the dice this time around thus being on to the game, I think I should see it through to where it is leading me this time around.

Overall, the dream is forcing me to concretize what I already know. The impetus of the dream is to get me to examine the nature of the universe and develop my thoughts into a coherent structure that unlocks the mystery of just what is. It’s the next lesson on the path where I knew the masculine was energetic outpouring but the feminine was a mysterious power that entrapped the masculine in order to create form. I wasn’t sure of the mystery. I got it now. The epiphany followed the dream. The energy is masculine and feminine. The masculine is acceleration and the feminine is deceleration and that constitutes what just is. The masculine wants to go fast, to be free, to shine, to roam, and to be unencumbered. The feminine wants to slow it all down, hug it out, unity, love, and create form. Deceleration creates the world of form. Acceleration is the destroyer that seeks to liberate itself from form. That is the mystery.

This simple description of the pulse of energy being acceleration and deceleration plays out on the world stage in the behaviours of the man and the woman. I take a walk in the woods and look at the massive girth of a mature tree and just see decelerated energy that has taken on form. All biological life is this energy of the universe decelerated into innumerable patterns with the acceleration of the masculine polarity giving it life. Within our forms are the two gendered charges creating and destroying life in a continuous cycle. It’s so awesome, empowering, and at the same time comforting to understand this lesson. Even in the world of electronics, I see this concept at work in the idea of the computer replicating the biological life form where the divine feminine is the form of the computer and the divine masculine is the electrical power that gives life to the form. The makings of this construct is also witnessed in the animal kingdom where the instinct animals are said to run on, the law of the jungle and the survival of the fittest, are the traits of the masculine power. The feminine is the form and the traits of the great mother overtake the animal when they are flooded with estrogen during pregnancy and motherhood.

This knowledge I have been sitting with for a while but it’s only now the understanding has come. I have previously described all life as being a verb in the sense that nouns are objects and anything we can lay claim to that does not transform is dead. Life is transformation. Fighting transformation is useless and leads to suffering in the same sense that the Tao Te Ching teaches that swimming against the current leads to frustration and counsels you to go with the flow. Accept that the gift of life is enabled by transformation as opposed to fighting change and the requisite suffering. Once the body stops transforming it dies but the death of the vehicle leads to continual transformation of the energy sustaining that body; free once again to enliven another form. The ancient Egyptians perfectly understood this concept and assigned to the scarab beetle called Khepri the representation of this continual process of the universe. One of the regal names of the Pharaohs of the 18th dynasty included a variation of this theme of transformation. The Pharaoh’s name you see encircled in a cartouche, called the prenomen by Egyptologists, emotes this idea of transformation. The prenomen of Pharaoh Akhenaten is “Neferkhepure-Waenre” which recalling my knowledge of ancient Egyptian means something like, “beautiful are the transformations of light.” His son, the famous Pharaoh Tutankhamen, prenomen is “Nebkheperure” which translates to the “Lord of the transformations of light.” The ancient Egyptians were spiritual masters of the knowledge of energy and its continual transformations.

The masculine impetus of the eternal flame climbs the mountain of appearance. The power inherent in the speed of light accelerates to the top, suffers in his journey, and finally shines in grandeur for all to admire. The feminine deceleration of the energy takes the path of least resistance back downhill towards unity until the masculine leaves once again, fully rested, to seek out adventure.

This blog space is a testament to my journey of discovery where I don’t want to come across as having all the answers. I certainly did not and I can look back on my journey and see that it was a progression where I detailed what I needed at the time knowing that I had so much still to discover. As I have progressed upon the path so much has been revealed, a little at a time, and then I have to understand the knowledge. Once I understand the concept, I move on to the next lesson. The obstacles in the path are removed and I advance unencumbered to the next block of teachings.

otorongocito

It’s all an act. I’m such a good actor I don’t even recognize I am acting so how would I comprehend the masterful dramatic performance of the ultimate actor? I’ve seen the master teacher and marvelled at how he transcends time. How he multiplies coincidences to the point of absurdity. How he wakes me from dreams at his whim to give me food for thought. How he laughs as I curse him and tell him I’m going to destroy him. He then whispers in my ear as I wake, “I’m going to kill you.” He continuously challenges me and watches me fall down. He speaks to me with the voice of a madman, contributing to my psychosis. As with the Goddess, he never has given up on me, though his curriculum is deadly.

He plays multiple roles and wears different costumes; therefore, the subterfuge with the help of cultural indoctrination, originally caused me to identify him as an external entity. He sometimes scares the shit out of me while subsequently appearing as a struggling actor in a vision with the sole purpose of enacting a scene change and hinting at a new lesson plan. He has a recurring role as “god" though a great deal of the new generation are tiring of that one. Sometimes, he is red and has horns.

He’s the great jaguar. I’m so dense that when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I thought, “shit, I’m such a bad ass and so courageous that I earned it." Instead, the big lesson was you are him. Look. Can’t you see it? You’re just coming home. You’re the son of colossal power. The indescribable, unknowable, and indestructible energy of the universe - the masculine polarity defined as the zoë, underlies all these manifestations and is you too. The master class involves remembering that you are the jaguar.

Therefore, I’m really teaching myself. Teaching myself courage, bravery, and liberation. All this suffering is for liberation and transformation. The mass suffering is done out of a love so deep that it puts us all through hell so we will rise above it. It is the impetus for the hero’s journey. The master class teaches liberation in order to be free of conditions and act of your own choice and accord. If you want to discover whom you really are and the nature of this existence that seems to be an imperative.

After I returned from class in Peru in 2016, I had this very strange dream. I was in the maloca at SpiritQuest during a Huachuma ceremony. I was naked and don Howard poured Huachuma, the consistency of green slime, all over me. I smoked a Mapacho and put it out on the ceremonial floor to which I was chastised by don Howard for my lack of respect. It got even stranger but I’ll leave out those details because they’ll take away from the gist of this tale. Anyway, I have sporadically tried over the ensuing four plus years to figure out the meaning of this dream. It was one of those dreams that I had no trouble recalling the next day as opposed to the majority that just fade away, even while you are in the midst of recalling them. I think I finally figured it out.

In that cycle of work at SpiritQuest, I had succeeded in blowing past my fears and limitations and indeed within an Ayahuasca ceremony I raised my consciousness and transformed into a jaguar. It was a recognition of unlocking that power within and subsequently I have realized that jaguar was freed from deep within my shadow and he was accepting me into his training school. Jaguar training school, the order of the jaguar; I was enrolled!

It’s been a challenge for sure; I’ve skipped class numerous times however at some point I have also studied and learned so much knowledge which I have converted into understanding and wisdom. I get the feeling it’s hard to get kicked out of this school once you are accepted; instead, the heat is just turned up to see what you are made of and to force you to transform or perish. The course will probably last the remainder of my biological life. I’m an attentive student, though at times led away by distractions.

The last phase of the work in 2016 involved a ceremony with the sacred Vilca and my intensive phase of 2016 ended with communing with the curanderos and curanderas of renown. I was told that within I had the ability to heal and my primary method of healing involved the sacred tobacco Mapacho. In retrospect, apparently a magic wand isn't waved and you don’t automatically become an agent of healing. Instead, there is training through the adventure of life. I’ve incorporated Mapacho into my daily ritual and maintained a somewhat respectful attitude towards him while always treating him with reverence. I have repeatedly observed his effects and have definitely noticed that respect negates addiction. That lesson is alone worth the price of tuition. Mapacho can contain up to 20x the nicotine levels of a regular cigarette. I smoke regularly and have no cravings or withdrawal symptoms. I can go days or even months without smoking if it’s unavailable, like during this current pandemic. In other words, addiction to tobacco, the nicotine within the plant, is a result of behaviour that does not respect the plant. Tell that to a scientist or even someone you know. Watch them raise their eyebrow.

The effects of Mapacho involve heightening the senses and an energetic connection to your surroundings. The dosage level is admittedly tough as I enter into this new phase of my teachings. I have to sit down and find a quiet space, he is that intense. However, I can see the energy, I can feel the energetic connection, and I can hear sounds far off into the distance as the clarity envelops me. I have a feeling what this is leading to: Mapacho calls out to the Jaguar to come forth. The forging of consciousness and energy is the new lesson plan.

Anyway, back to the dream - the ceremony was obviously a consecration into the order of the Jaguar which involved taking an oath binding both of us. Don Howard presided over the ceremony and welcomed me into the order. The great Jaguar is the ultimate warrior, the alpha of all alphas, and the cosmic grandfather teaching me the ways of the wise. To Otorongo I earned my place as Otorongocito. 

reciprocal exercise

He rubbed my nose in it. We used to do this to puppies when house training them. If they took a dump in the house we’d put their nose in the shit in order that they learn not to crap anymore on the carpet. I bring up this turn of phrase because it is in essence what my shadow did to me. I was weak when I first met him and I was so scared of his presence I ran away like a coward. Subsequently, when he told me truths about the world I recoiled from what he was telling me or I just flat out rejected the assertions. He was my adversary and I thought he was deceitful so I discarded what he said. The behaviour was reflexive on my part because he was so frightening and I just didn’t want to hear him out. Now I know better and am all ears.

So, what did he rub my nose in? Well, on multiple occasions in ceremony he’d show me all the darkness and greed attached to plant medicines. A plant like Ayahuasca is an energetic sponge and will soak up the energy and intentions of those around her. My shadow kept telling me she is not pura medicina. He would tell me the operators of these retreat centres were mostly in it for the money. They are retreats designed for affluent westerners and no local would get their “healing” from a place such as this. Those with integrity would balance their higher intentions with business but make no mistake as income generators there are many hands with a stake in the enterprise. He told me they use people to further their outreach as it is free advertising. The visions and thoughts I had regarding this state of affairs were very slimy and unnerving. I didn’t like that at all and was very troubled by them. My visions became tainted by this knowledge and I had to learn to let it go. It was difficult to reconcile the pursuit of higher consciousness with the paradigm of profit. I chalked up the visions to a darkness within the medicine as opposed to an energetic component that parasitically attached to the remedy and I did my best to avoid going back to those strange places of consciousness. I reconciled commerce and spiritual retreats and I was okay with it as long as there was no hard sell. Employees must be paid and food doesn’t show up on one’s plate for free.

Within social constructs there is always one person who is able to generate wealth and from them it flows outwards. They are power centres that attract followers. Huachumon perfectly explained this to me while I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador in late 2017. You play within the system, generate wealth, and people gravitate towards you. Obviously, the problem arises when the person at the head of the construct can no longer function in that role; in the case to which I’m referring they balance greed, insecurity, and a business genuinely interested in raising consciousness. This creates a vacuum and power is transferred to someone else whose intentions could be primarily revenue generation and they base all decisions upon this sentiment, sprinkled in with a mistrust of others. When the stresses of life come and mark my words they will, it will reveal their true intentions. It will be reflected in the plant medicines and this new vibe will permeate the surroundings.

My shadow repeatedly warned me to not get attached. Maintain your freedom as you never know what’s around the corner. The events that lately have transpired vindicate what he was showing and teaching me. I’m sure it happens on such a regular basis he just laughs and re-runs the same script over and over. I guess I need to look inwards and put myself in the situation. What would I do? Would I sell out and make selfish decisions, not caring about the fallout, and be unable to see the consequences of my actions? Perhaps I am off-base because I’m privileged to have been born in a part of the world where prosperity and generating income hasn’t been a problem. I’m far enough along this path I’ve seen some things. I could trade in my influence and knowledge for power which I could convert into riches. I was offered this deal. I have been all along seeking out knowledge and have sat at the feet of the great teacher and grasped what he was saying. If you want power he will give it to you. Just ask. There’s this wonderful and feel good word he throws around called reciprocity. You ask for something and in return you offer up something. You take and you give back. That’s how it works. It’s so sanguine and one of those next level spiritual concepts that makes everything so glorious. Reciprocity. Such an enlightened way of thinking.

Ha ha. Ask of your shadow and it’s yours. Here you go. Are you going to keep your end of the bargain you just made? Yeah, I didn’t think so. No one told you about the consequences, did they? It’s best not to take if you aren’t willing to fulfill your end of the agreement. Reciprocity doesn’t seem so grand when the collector shows up at your door for payment.

I lead a charmed life and stumble onto and past obstacles on the spiritual path. I loved the concept of reciprocity when I listened to the elucidation of its ideals of fairness and equity. I once asked the Great Goddess to tell me the answer to a question I had wondered about all my life. In short time, she told me the answer. In return, I promised I’d write a book about it. I’m done the book. Paid in full. I tested my shadow out a few times with trivial asks in exchange for becoming his student. It all worked out. I have no debts and I don’t plan to incur any. My only asks of plant medicines involve the raising of consciousness and in exchange I will write about it. I wanted to conquer my fears and develop courage and bravery. I was shown love and my heart was ripped open. I seek knowledge and set out on a path to become a spiritual warrior. All these qualities I wished to acquire I have been blessed with their bestowment. In return, I am working towards becoming a healer and raising the level of consciousness in this world for the good of all. I seek not fame, fortune, or self-aggrandizement. I fulfill my obligations, sometimes with aplomb and sometimes I am a miserable failure. However, the intention remains. I see many fall off the path or gravitate away from it. Taking a deep dive into the reasons, I’m sure it has to do with reciprocity or even trying to escape fulfilling your contractual obligations as us human scoundrels are predisposed to do.

When you play the long game, you can see it. The reciprocal outcomes are tangible and fair; so much so that the plant medicine path can be described as an exercise in reciprocity.

tempered

To be birthed by the Goddess gives rise to the ability to become greater than the gods. The child coming forth from her contains both the masculine life force and the feminine life form. Into consciousness we are birthed with the potential to harmonize both powers. Instead of harbingers of either power, we can combine them into a harmonious whole and realize the appearance of the indestructible life force into the conscious world of forms, eventually discarding the body and becoming a perfected being following the example of the caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a butterfly. Her powers of intoxication must be the key to discovering and achieving this synthesis. Through rhythm and dance, the song of our lives beats outs the time signature that implores us to become whole and make our mother proud. I rise from darkness, a miracle.

Contained within the spiritual journey is the discovery of the raw energy that animates all. It’s desire. It is Eros who lights you up and you chase the pleasure it brings. Life becomes a game of desire fulfillment and a drive and purpose for getting you out of bed in the morning. I’m all too familiar with this whole scenario I am writing out and I have tried to transcend desire in order to get my spiritual bona fides only to realize this was an impossible task. Later, I learned I cannot transcend desire because I am desire. Okay, I’ll embrace it then; well, not go full on tantric but learn to incorporate desire into my life and not let it over take my existence to the detriment of dominating my life. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to do that and not much of a plan.

My modus operandi is usually to stumble onto answers when I am ready for them. The page in the textbook is turned over and on to the next lesson. The strange part is I already have the knowledge but did not have the requisite experience to fully understand what I know. And here we are. I know desire is what manifests creation. It’s the magical elixir that brings the world into form. It’s raw and red masculine energy; to wit the animating principle that gives the feminine form the juice to allow her to weave her magic. This power can rise up through the body, piercing energetic blocks as it ascends. It’s the basis of kundalini yoga and the chakra system in Hinduism. The serpent is propelled by the energy up and out through the colour spectrum until it reaches the astral plane as purified white light. I have recently written about the ancient Egyptian conception of this purified white light as the Akh, a heron that is the vehicle for the unification of the energetic and conscious components within the human. Eros is the unbridled energy from your shadow who is ever present but relies on the conscious coming forth of the biological life form in order to play. Combining the two makes for a conscious and energetic form that upon realization of their predicament realizes they are all-powerful. It’s quite the rush, with the potential to be highly disruptive and destructive. The superman created by this union needs the power of the Goddess in order to temper the steel. This elixir is Love. Love of the woman purifies the man. This is the completion of the journey up and out through the body and into the astral plane as fully realized conscious energy. A new form birthed through the fires of incarnation that is the epitome of life’s journey. To become greater than the gods; welcomed by the Great Goddess, the mother of all who sacrifices everything for her children.

The first time I drank Ayahuasca I was lifted up and up through the Goddess’ castle until I reached the top. I was on a bed in the middle of her golden room, exalted, and in her eyes, I could do no wrong. Eight years later, I finally realized the initial meeting with the Goddess was a mirroring of the rising energy of kundalini through the chakras. The raising up was intended to propel my being into the realm of the Goddess. I was privy to experiencing the journey of energy towards a purification that leads you to her realm.

Wow, eight years to figure it out. I was awestruck at the time. Sometimes, I wish I could figure out what I’m being shown in vision on the fly as I have a good grasp of myth and belief however I do realize the knowledge is best left for epiphany when I finally grasp the concept. The clues left for me in my day to day life are extraordinary and I always have to be on the lookout for them. I have had friends recently implore me to look more into the chakras, which allowed me to see the connections.

What it has led me towards is something I have been sitting with at night for a bit. I conduct a ritual in the evening where I combine with my shadow. We come together to form a new entity at the head of my Mesa which is the combination of consciousness and energy. I use the example of the butterfly as it drops the body of the caterpillar in order to be free and flies uninhibited through the sky. In addition, is a skull on the table which reminds me that eventually I will drop the body in the circle of life. I envision the liberation of the energetic form. This combination of consciousness and energy creating a new being that is greater than the gods, forged through the fires of incarnation. The Goddess is at the head of this construct, tempering the steel, this all-new and all-powerful form, with the magical elixir of love.

This is a game like no other. It’s off-limits to pretty much all. The fires of hell forge steel tempered by the love of the Goddess. Power is infused with the elixir of the Goddess as a check upon self-destruction. Power and liberation without love is an orgy of destruction. Love without liberation is smothering. The constrictor will suffocate the life out of you. Welcome to the party.

Another lesson - the purification of the energy in the chakra system is demonstrating how we can raise our consciousness to what would be considered holy and is the meaning of spiritual holiness. We are here on earth creating gods and the Mother is teaching us to become holy and pure, instilling within us a higher consciousness. The human project reaches its fulfillment with the dropping of the body and the release of the spirit you have cultivated. If you are looking for a purpose to life, this is a pretty good calling.

hell has a gate

It was 2017 when I turned 50 that I completed the holy climb up the mountain and discovered love is the answer. It was the fifth year of my involvement with plant medicines and I knew after that trip I didn’t have to search anymore. I could be content with what I had discovered. I saw the unity within us all and that the elixir to make us come together is love. There was no certificate handed out denoting my enlightenment; however, I was aware I had the answer. At any rate, the caretakers and bestower of enlightenment frown upon the shortcut of drug use to obtain the status. It’s best to sit in meditation for a quarter century, pay obeisance to the guru, sweep up at the ashram, and hope the twin graces of wisdom and understanding descend upon you. See, even after all I have been through, I maintain my wit and sarcasm.

The importance of completing the climb up the mountain to the light is reflected in the second phase of my journey. I had a bit of a pause but decided I wanted to continue on. I’d seen the light but onwards I set sail for adventures unbeknownst to me. Really, I decided to continue on rudderless and see where this journey would take me. I guess if I really thought about it, of course I would have realized after the light once again the destination is the dark. My ship headed back into the dark. The waters were relatively calm as I headed down the river Styx towards Hades. I’m currently at the gates of hell and I know the password. I guess I’ll see you on the other side.

Become the light? Become the darkness. Becoming the light is avoidance of the darkness. The path up the mountain to become a renunciate and a holy man is the pathological outcome of all the expectations placed upon you by culture. It’s another way to reach the top of the ladder of success. Instead of the financial power game, you went for the spiritual game and now await the praise of your peers for your exemplary holiness. What a fucking crock. Just let it go already. Becoming the darkness allows you to turn towards the light and reconcile all. The masculine strives for the light. He is born in darkness; the darkness of the feminine. He takes the light of reason and discovery and creates this world of separate objects. He builds and subsequently destroys. The feminine is darkness. Within the cavern, she births new light from the non-differentiated chaos which is her essence. She is unity and love; it is light that separates and brings an end to her clinging and longing to hold her family together. The masculine spirit wants to explore and be free.

The masculine is the proprietor of the conditions which create duality and the self. The self is created by seeing differences in the environment and our fellow sentient beings. A difference is a condition. We create reality in that we can see differences or we can choose to see it all as one connected organism. To not see conditions is to just see all as is. To act unconditionally in a world you choose to see with differences is impossible; however, the striving towards this game of unconditionality is a non-starter without objectification. Unconditional love is based upon duality and can only be attempted because of the power of the masculine. The relationship of the two divine powers is contentious but ultimately, they need each other.

Nobody will find the answer because no one dares to tread the spiritual path into the basement of the soul. That’s left for the insane and the marginalized. Culture does not approve. The spiritual path is not populated by those who seek liberation from culture. Instead, they culturalize spirituality. They preach unity within the bounds of accepted dogma. I understand I have to go it alone and maintain my independence. This has to always be at the forefront of my seeking. Noted American libertarian Henry David Thoreau said, “Wherever you may seek solitude, men will ferret you out and compel you to belong to their desperate company of odd fellows.” These others desperately want you to join their enterprise in order to justify its existence. It’s a narrow path to walk in order to maintain autonomy over one’s spiritual path yet gain support in the way of friends. Life is tough without it. Recent events and the disappointment inherent in humanity has emboldened my thinking and resolve. I can count on myself, my inner guides, and as Ringo so eloquently states in Sergeant Pepper’s: “A little help from my friends."

alpha

It’s been one helluva journey. A progression from one step at a time to the next. If this knowledge was revealed all at once, I would declare it madness and move on. In fact, my first direct meeting with the divine masculine power was an exercise in madness and fear. It was set up to be a test; to see if I had it in me to walk this path. And a test it was as he got into my head. The reveal was a master stroke of genius in that I could decide to never go back however I would always know he was there. There was opportunity and the easy way out; easy power and glory. Alternatively, I could run. I ran. Subsequently, I regrouped and came back. I was still scared but I wasn’t going to let this beat me. I never give in once I put my mind towards something and I hate to lose. This resolve has come forth within my life as an unwavering self-confidence bordering on arrogance.

The thing is, the perception of the warrior is a man of outward strength and an intimidating presence. This describes the alpha male and is the epitome of what he is. A master of his domain and no one messes with him. A gladiator. I’m none of that; I never have been and never will be. I am meek and unassuming. The bestowing of greatness upon the warrior king tested in the fires of battle was not something that could be predicted for me. I’m a behind the scenes kind of guy. I can be successful but expectations will be tempered. Or so I thought.

Courage is a funny thing. You don’t know if you have it until crunch time. When I played sports as a kid, I liked the big moment and the pressure. I could always raise my game when it came down to the wire. Not only that, but I could keep up with the jocks even though physically they were one up on me. I’d always outsmart them and gain an advantage in that regard. I’d outrun them all in the 40-yard dash because I was quick off the draw but come the 100 yards they’d catch me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready for the big life test when it first happened, courage did not come, and I retreated in fear. Jesus was waiting to console me but I brushed him aside. He’s a relic for the weak; an avatar granted by the maestro as a way to approach but don’t get too close to the power.

Underestimate me at your own peril. Admittedly, I initially suck at new experiences, however given enough time I master them. I returned home, tail between my legs, and made plans to give it another shot. My fortitude made the ultimate alpha male take notice. After previously swatting me away, here I was back for more. I stood toe to toe and took the beating but didn’t back down. Sure, there was fear and trepidation in the face of lunacy however I had courage. Courage came to me and I grasped that sucker, never to let it go. He had to take notice. It was a new paradigm I was demonstrating that instead of outward displays of being an alpha, I was the inner alpha warrior. Don’t mess with me or I’ll best you. I’ve always known that. I walk around life absolutely knowing and demonstrating this inner conviction.

The Goddess implored me to go after him. Free her from the chains he kept her in. At that point she knew I could hang with him and that I discovered his secret and the mystery. This act of discovery would free them both. Well played. The whole world was on notice after that outcome. I don't look like Heracles but I just did what no mortal has ever done. I didn’t know it at the time but I do now. No one does what I did and gets away with it. You either run away or you succumb to the power and become its slave. I was still a free agent and ready to do more fighting. I continued the battle on home turf, gained confidence, and came back for more. My tenacity was such that the gods had no choice but to recognize my accomplishment. I sat in a ceremony and transformed into a jaguar; the ultimate symbol of the alpha masculine power who rules his domain. I recognized my inner strength; I felt a huge blast of conscious awareness and then the serpent energy surged and I felt so powerful. A jaguar appeared in the distance and was coming straight at me. I intuited an intense maleness about the jaguar and soon he was right in front of my face. He roared ferociously at me. I felt no fear. I roared back and I became the jaguar. I was the most powerful person in the world. I let out multiple roars to let everyone know I was the king of the jungle. I sat there bathed in light while sitting on my throne as the throngs came to pay obeisance. At the time, I was still oblivious to what I’d accomplished and it was probably best it remained that way.

I kept peeling away the veils and continued to get to the crux of who exactly it was I was dealing with and his identity. It’s difficult to know if you are really figuring it out or just deluding yourself. What I can say is pay attention to the synchronicities because they are confirmations. These affirmations were so plentiful I knew I was on to him. I’m precocious and maybe too big for my britches. When I see in others the cockiness I exude, I secretly enjoy seeing them fail. It’s now the big irony. However, I know how I got here and I did it honestly. No shortcuts; no grasping of a ring of power that was unearned.

In my case, the plant medicine path towards becoming a man of knowledge is most rewarding during the integration period. It is open ended and each successive experience reveals so much. This past year has been the most fascinating to date as I figured it out. I got home a week before the world went into pandemic lockdown. Of course I did. It’s still in lockdown a year later and my education continues. No going back until the maestro says so. You have to see it all, come to terms with it, and then you can set your intentions and come back.

My shadow is the master teacher, the ultimate alpha male, and is now my teacher and friend. I celebrate him, the divine masculine energy and his wife, the divine feminine energy at my Mesa. My Mesa is lit. I stand in front of this conduit and tremble because of the power coursing through me. We come together at that sacred spot. The steel has been forged in the fires of hell tempered by the love of a Goddess. What a fucking ride! 

black sheep

As you progress along the myriad of spiritual paths available to the seeker, you will come across obstacles in your way ostensibly set up as roadblocks to your liberation. These roadblocks are human-made; they are either cultural cautions of where you are allowed to explore or subtle admonitions shepherding you onto a path that is not of your own making. The shepherd will throw out a bunch of terms to confuse, such as "spiritual materialism" and you have no idea what they are talking about. So, you research it and figure well, they must know about this pitfall so I’ll follow them because they know what it is all about; they are fully realized spiritual beings! Of course, they don’t really know much more than you; they are just collecting followers. That’s what a shepherd does - he or she collects sheep and turns a profit on them.

A shepherd has got skin in the game because of the personal rewards. They may come to love their sheep and will do anything for them but the underlying reason for being a shepherd isn’t altruism. It’s because of a need to earn a living and being a shepherd is a pretty noble way to transform this reality into something good. Spiritual materialism refers to activities that lead fundamentally towards wealth creation. Along the path is an increase in one’s ego because of achievement such as being a star at meditation or getting a certificate that says you’re enlightened. Okay, I don’t think there is a place that gives out those certificates but I’ve always thought it to be a really funny idea. Spiritual materialism can also refer to monetizing your holiness through books and lectures as well attracting as many followers as possible and cashing in on that list.

I’m more interested in this new term I’ve just coined called "cultural spirituality." What do I mean by this? Well, glad you asked. What I mean is there're avenues of spiritual exploration that are sanctioned by the culture you live in and there are also the taboo paths. Christianity is the gold standard of acceptable spiritual pursuits in western civilization. This institution will ensnare most who have an awakening and subsequently you will concede your new found awakening to a third party who has been fully vetted by the guardians of culture. So, your path is to do the religious thing influenced by culture. Find Jesus. Too sophisticated for that? Go for the eclectic Eastern disciplines. The eastern paths such as Buddhism offer a more intellectual route towards spiritual fulfillment. It is mixed in with meditation and yoga; activities that have been totally watered down and salted within the confines of western culture. For lunch I can get a Buddha bowl and later snack on some prana chips. Us humans are so funny. Go all in on the holy path. Holy robes and let the light in. Learn the postures. Read the pop-spiritual books. Ah “The Alchemist!” Search the internet and ask, "What you selling?" Talk with others about the accepted teachers. Deepak Winfrey! Go for it all: Become a renunciate and an ascetic. They are all traps. They are all obstacles in your path.

I’m the black sheep. I don’t know why but ever since I can remember I have been a contrarian. Whatever is the in-thing or the expected route to take, I always want to go explore the other side or at least question what I am being fed. If someone tries to tell me what is the truth I try and figure out what they are hiding or who they are and how they are planning to deceive me. If they denigrate an activity eventually I’ll get around to exploring why that is? All the avenues of cultural spirituality I never fell for because I see through them. For some, it’s all they need and I’m cool with that; no judgment here. You do you and I’ll do me.

For example, the tantric path is mostly forbidden. I say mostly because it’s tolerated but relegated to the fringe. I reckon it works however the caveat is you’d get so lost in your hedonism you wouldn’t find your way out without an exemplary teacher, so you’d have to find someone you implicitly trust before embarking upon that left-hand path of indulgence. All in all, tantra raises eyebrows and gets tongues wagging but it isn’t taboo.

I know what’s taboo. It’s easy to figure out because the one constant in all spiritual paths is to seek and head for the light. We tie pagan customs of the re-birth of the light left for dead at the winter solstice into the Christian birth of our saviour. These mythological stories of the light being victorious over the darkness are found in all cultures, past and present. So, the lesson at hand is to put on your contrarian hat and figure out what’s off-limits. It’s the darkness! We give it names like hell and put a ruler over it called the Devil and leave it at that. It’s taboo to explore the darkness and it would be quite scandalous to entertain a spiritual path based upon the dark lord. That would definitely have to be kept on the down low; like an after-hours club for spiritual seekers.

Shouldn’t it be on the menu though? To honestly explore is to examine all nature and facets of consciousness and the darkness is quite neglected even though psychologically we know it is the hidden force that directs our lives. The discipline of psychology cloaks it in highfalutin concepts such as the id and assigns it an animal nature hell bent upon desire fulfillment. As a society, we have outlets to channel these destructive and anti-social impulses so they don’t cause too much havoc. As a last resort, or now too common as a first response, we have pills that will numb consciousness so that the rumblings from deep within can be buried even further.

One of the most exciting things to come out of my entry into the spiritual path scene is that I question everything and like to play at the edge of prejudice. The universe was keenly aware that eventually I would get around to questioning this constant shepherding towards the light. Whatcha hiding? It couldn’t keep me away. I’ve seen in. I scared myself silly and ran upon first glimpse. The biggest spiritual block I’ve encountered on this path is desire that originates in this darkness. I’ve tried abstinence, renunciation, and I’ve embraced it. It bubbles up from the darkness before boiling over. I reckon the only way to find the answer I seek is to go fully into this darkness and embrace the teachings of the master. Talk about taboo. Here’s my condensed story of how I got to this place:

I know I will get there. I don’t even know where there is. All my life I have been able to figure out whatever I put my mind to. I’ve answered the questions of life that I had been curious about. This path I have travelled has expanded my consciousness to the point where I can see it all, drink it in, and get the answers to eternal questions. The current block on my path was related to desire. It took a long time to get past its hold. Small victories and ignominious defeats. The constant failure taxed my psychological well-being. I could feel the depression coming and the waves of despair threatening my mental health. However, I knew I would get past it; I always do.

I sat with this feeling last night and reminded myself what a bad motherfucker I am. I know what I did. I know you won’t believe me when I tell you what I did. On this path, I ventured into the jungle wilderness and altered my consciousness in the dead of night. At one point when I did this I met a really scary and bad demon; the baddest of the bunch, well you know who, and this frightened me beyond anything you could ever imagine. He chased me away and then chased me all the way home. My cultural cudgel, Jesus, offered a couple times to help but I declined. Sorry JC, I got this. Diablo continued pummelling me while at home and came in for the final death blow. I slowly learned to fight back and at one point I had the nerve to do something that I look back on and think what chutzpah I had. What balls! One night, I conducted this ceremony to summon him and then when I knew he was present I told him I was going to cut his motherfucking head off! We had another throw down after that and I was jacked. I wanted to keep fighting.

I went back to the jungle wilds and he was waiting for me. I sat in that ceremony and took all the blows to the head. He threatened me with death and I said kill me if you must, I’m not veering off my path. I survived. I got one up on him. I locked him out. I was so successful I convinced him I had it in me to not only take his life course but succeed at the top of the class. My outlook on life changed from being a meek man to someone who was a fighter of no compare. I transformed into a jaguar in a subsequent ceremony because I was the king of my domain. Instead of fighting the darkness, I now became his student. The class is a constant challenge and he tells me he is forging steel. Things will get hot and it's not for the weak. I had to remind myself last night how strong I am and that I can do this. I need to let go of behaviours that make me weak and instead take hold of my destiny.

When I figured out his identity I was shocked at first; I had to sit with it a couple days but then came acceptance because I knew deep down it was true. I had been trying to deny the knowledge for a while even though it was staring me right in the face.

I know power can change you for the worse and I’ve been very cautious with it. This fire burns within me; it’s intense and it comes forth and needs an outlet. When I drink Huachuma, it's coursing through me. It’s my teacher enveloping me and I’m him. Gobs of power lighting me up. Do it, reach out and take it. I get that message sometimes but I’m reluctant. He has told me about this power. I’ve earned it. I took on that bad man and came out the other side, still intact. He says it’s mine. Take it. You can handle it. What would society think of that if I fully owned it - the power and its source? I seek knowledge so I’m not afraid of being corrupted by the temptation to power I see. All the answers I seek are in that abyss that awaits me and I don’t intend to be sidetracked by power that would derail my caravan. My intention is pretty clear at this point and I’m ready to make the leap and fall into the downward spiral to get there. I’ll be alright; I always am.

What is the truth of what I’m dealing with? Organized religion engages in deceiving people in order to obtain wealth and power. I know a favourite tactic of sociopaths are to accuse your perceived enemy of the traits that describe your personality in order to mask your own unpleasantness. It works because you acknowledge you are aware of these character flaws and of course if you had them you would see them in your actions and therefore being a good person, you would change these bad behaviours. If you need examples of how this successfully works just follow politics. My personal favourites are the autocratic governments that call their country the “Republic of” or “Democratic People of”. It’s quite stunning to see it at work and how whole swaths of the populace fall for this tactic. Anyway, I bring this up because if you really want to see the inner workings of the Christian church just examine all the traits they assign to Satan and you will understand the underbelly of the church and its sins. If the church was holy and pure their words would ring true. Instead, it makes you question who really is the great deceiver?

I’m not chasing power and I stood up for myself in the face of great adversity. Respect is earned and in turn it lifts the veil. Though shocked by what you may uncover it’s what feeds me. I’m excited to continue on down this road towards the adventures that beckon and await my exploration.