eternal return

I sense your absence, I curse your return. I wrote a poem five years ago about the cyclical coming and going of an uncontrollable force within who made me crazy.

The struggle is eternal and I had no idea what it was or who I was up against so I mistakenly assigned it to the darkness and thought it was something to try and control and ultimately vanquish. I locked down my mind and filtered all my thoughts. I purified myself to the point where a monastery would probably give me one of those honorary degrees if they knew about my success. And then one day I went back to the dance and I found I had only suppressed the power and he was waiting for me; ready to pick up the relationship where we last left off. The force is desire. I have at least been educating myself over the last five years, both bookish and experiential, so though I could never get rid of the power, at least I discovered what it is.

When the cycle returns, which in truth it never leaves but fluctuates, trying to control the energy doesn't work. It has to flow upward and outwards or it will leave you a quaking mess. Desire has to be the strongest drug known to us. Desire is serpent power; it comes from the heart being an aspect of Love, and it affects us sexually, our well being, and can be used for spiritual growth. Its exclusive use in one of these areas will turn you into a human who is hard to be around. The power can also be wildly misused in terms of uncontrolled violence and aggression as well as affecting the sex drive, which leads to unfortunate consequences of unbridled passion and lust. It was through my use of the plant medicines and teachers, Ayahuasca and Huachuma, that I came face to face with this power. I didn't know what this power was at first but after getting lesson after lesson it clicked and I eventually passed the course and knew what it was. Serpent power is the life force energy that pulses through all living things. With Ayahuasca it is a requirement of most traditions that the drinker abstain from sexual behaviour a few weeks before drinking and a few weeks afterwards. If you are expressing this energy out through sexual behaviour then there will be less energy accessible for healing and spiritual work. As well, I have also experienced where the body's use of this power to heal itself of sickness can be curtailed by engaging in sexual behaviour and temporarily deplete the self of this power. There is then a need to rebuild up stores of this energy. When under the influence of Ayahuasca this has been presented to me very clearly. My body has been in a heightened state of vibratory ecstasy where I was feeling the love, and I felt this energy coursing in me and rising on up out of my body. At this point my visionary activity became inundated with sexual imagery, in particular writhing, sexually charged women. I understood this at this time to be the direct result of this serpent power and that there is always a choice to channel this energy into the sexual or the spiritual.

Now, the question that needs to be asked and answered is why do I call it serpent power? The presentation of this power within plant medicine ceremonies has been accompanied by visions of serpents or an association to the snake. The first unmistakeable stirring of the energy within ceremony was the final Ayahuasca ceremony in 2015 where the Goddess appeared in her ancient Egyptian temple at Denderah in my vision. The manifestation of power was the ancient Egyptian goddess Hathor in her guise as the Goddess of Love dressed in a red corset and as she approached me and lay over top of my body I experienced the most erotic sensation which I have ever felt, nothing even close to this. Full body ecstasy. Among many connections in the iconography of Hathor is a connection to the serpent Wadjet who represents the power of the rising serpent. The energy undulates in a serpentine pattern and courses through the bodies of ecstatic dancers for Hathor.

dancing in ancient Egypt

It is an eternal flowing and pulsing of energy. When the presentation of this awesome power totally engulfed me it was the second time I drank Huachuma. My whole body was fluttering and I closed my eyes and witnessed the presence of two huge serpents which were flanking this magical light. The light I later learned was myself and the serpents represented this power lighting me up. A year later during a breakthrough ceremony with Ayahuasca, I had an open eyes vision of a green boa slithering along the ceremonial Maloca floor towards me and then entering into my mouth and wrapping itself around me before settling on my left shoulder and arm. I then experienced another snake enter me before I went back to my room and laid down on the bed and experienced the energy pulsing through my body in librating serpentine waves.

So, what I want to explore now is this eternal return of the cyclical power using myself as the test subject. My initial speculation is it is related somehow in man to the feminine menstrual cycle and has a connection to the moon. It is intriguing to think this because ultimately the power comes from the feminine and is then activated within the masculine. I have felt an uptick in power around full moons. This of course leads into mythology and specifically the werewolf and horned creatures of the forest. Looks like I have some research to do. Preliminary thoughts regarding the mythology tie the phenomenon to the full moon, unbridled passion, frenzy, and seducing willing maidens. There is something in this myth to delve into. I'll report back soon.

The beliefs of a great deal of ancient cultures seem to have similar myths of the dying and resurrected god man which when studied we see in them the connection to the grain cycle. The book "The Golden Bough" by anthropologist James Frazer in the 19th century is one of the first and more popular books describing this phenomenon. As well, the typical scholar of religion and mythology tends to relate these nature myths to the development of agricultural societies. Some of the gods and goddesses we put into a neat scholarly box are Osiris in ancient Egypt, the mysteries of Dionysos and Persephone in ancient Greece, and Attis in Phrygia. Jesus Christ of Christianity, though not a typical grain god, incorporated this ability into his all encompassing lordship and gave hope to all believers in a life after death. The impetus for the disappearance and reappearance cycle of these gods is as I have stated serpent power. It's an eternal cycle that comes and goes and riding the wave allows for an eternal return.

In researching these gods, the grasping of the connection to the omnipresent agricultural cycle seems to lead to a confidence in decoding the myth and therefore a probing deeper into the real mystery stops. Dionysos is a prime example as there is his unmistakable connection to the grape and wine but the agricultural cycle is just one example and an aspect of how the power works; serpent power in actuality is everything! Sit with yourself or record how you feel over the course of a few weeks and you’ll discover everything is shaped by this mysterious and rhythmic power. There are these cycles of hunger, sleepiness, and desire to give a few examples which repeatedly come and go. Oh, lusty desire is pretty special and it can make you horny, just like all the randy horned gods of antiquity. Dionysos is a madman, a charmer, and a seducer. He breaks down societal mores and expectations of chaste behaviour. Our modern, hidden, and latent Victorian attitudes makes us a little put off by the sexuality of these gods like Dionysos as well as his crazy followers - the maenads and satyrs, and the depictions of these fertility gods being fully erect is a mental block which prevents us from exploring the mysterious power further.

Satyr

Sure, we all feel it but where does it come from and why does it go away and then return, always knocking on the door once again? How about when the power returns you start to channel it into healing or a passion for something else besides sexual activity? Like Love. It is the eternal returning power and it forever comes and goes. You can't control it, but you can definitely recognize it, and then channel the power instead of wasting it. This is unchartered territory for a modern. I have no template for this but I know the power and when it returns and so I can do something with it. And I know it is the answer. It’s the holy grail. It's indestructible life. I feel like I'm on the game show Jeopardy where you are given the answer and you have to formulate the proper question.

I convinced myself at some point on the start on this mystical journey while researching and figuring out the origin of beliefs that the observation of nature and the heavens was the impetus behind myths and gods and why cultures believed in concepts like the resurrection, the underworld, and the drama and battles taking place in the heavens. I deduced the ancient seers then projected these concepts onto their own lives and I guess the human condition being what it is, they found solace in beliefs that allowed for the continuance of some form of life post mortem. However, let's look at this another way: Perhaps instead of this approach, they were first in touch with the awesome power which flows through their very core and developed an advanced understanding of this power ebbing and flowing. They sensed it was indestructible and always returned. Understanding this gave them a sense of being eternal and the fear of annihilation upon physical death was assuaged to the point where human sacrifice could be thought of as a noble endeavour as opposed to the horror we think it is. From this core belief and understanding, they would then observe the environment and discover this power at work in everything. When you really feel this power within it is like the waves on the ocean, it is the the undulating movement of the serpent, it is the cycle of the moon waxing, becoming full, and waning. You start to witness it everywhere. And now today from the loss of the ability to feel this, we stand on the precipice of history as a blind man ignorant in regards to the fundamental core of who we are, our indestructibleness, and the eternal return all the while creating an impressive world based on the wonders and marvels of technology.

Okay, so back to trying to observe this power and how it manifests. I was at a Trevor Hall concert in late July and I noticed a few things. I haven’t been to a concert in a while and back when I used to go I obviously didn’t know what I know now. First of all, I noticed the women and how they move. About one in ten women get lost in the rhythms of the music and enter into trance. Their movements become very serpent like. Another half of them present feel the beat way more than their masculine counterparts and are compelled to dance and move. The other thing I really noticed was how this generation of people are really connected to a different paradigm of sensing spirit and the earth mother. Part of it is probably because of the popularity of North American practices of Yoga as well as an adoption of hippy culture and an acceptance of marijuana over a strictly alcohol based modality as a culturally sanctioned activity for altering consciousness. The reason I suggest this is Trevor Hall’s songs and stories are very spirit based and reference the great earth mother which always drew a reaction from the crowd. I also sense in this generation the struggle to break free of the older generation's insistence on Christianity and perhaps its prevailing counterpoint which is the atheistic response to that Christianity. It’s almost like they are waiting for permission to completely throw off the chains that these two modalities have upon society and return to an earthy and feminine type of reverence and within this is the room for the masculine as the protector of the sacred feminine as the knight in shining armour. The last thing I really noticed was this aura that surrounded Trevor on stage. It was especially present when the use of stage lighting enveloped him in a purple light; this purple light being very representative of the Goddess. He truly radiates love, light, and peace.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca I had the most dreadful experience though in retrospect I wouldn't trade it for the world; it was a necessary part of this journey. So, in my descent into this hell, when I reached the bottom this very shadowy character appeared; he was sitting in a floating lotus position and his eyes were droopy like I had disturbed his nap or awoken a demon. To my left I was being audibly addressed in a sinister tone repeatedly as "Apollo". I cannot remember in my lifetime where I was more frightened than I was at that point. Fight or flight took over and I ran from this nightmare. This all led to profound self discoveries, an awesome fearlessness, and I came to embrace the moniker Apollo. I also started to sense the split in myself; there's a part of me that is brilliant and wants to be intellectually challenged and there is a part of me that wants to find deep connection within this world. Apollo is going to figure out the great mystery. Dionysos wants to Love, delve into the passions, and experience life.

Dionysos from the Royal Ontario Museum

Dionysos is born under the cover of darkness, forever coming forth after being torn apart; this alluding to patriarchal societies that are always suppressing manifestations of Dionysos. Greek reason rose on the back of Apollo after the influence of Dionysos was repressed. The scant mention of Dionysos and mystery cult in Homeric epics is a testament to the suppression of his influence. He gets a mention in the Iliad as being scared off and fleeing into the sea a coward after a confrontation with the Thracian king Lykourgos. The lack of Dionysos' presence in Homeric epics led scholars to speculate Dionysos was a later addition to the Olympic pantheon and was probably of foreign derivation. This speculation was all refuted with the discovery of commerce tablets from matriarchal Bronze Age Greece and Crete written in a proto-Greek language called Linear B that contain the name Dionysos. The conclusion is the Homeric epics are patriarchal propaganda; it is the ideology of the ruling class, though very good reads. Dionysos however is the eternal return and not even the literary giant Homer could suppress and crush him forever. When you crush the grape it comes back stronger as wine. The major Greek mystery cults conducted at the sites of Eleusis and Delphi both contained elements of the mystery of Dionysos. In Roman society, the mystery cult of Dionysos was sometimes tolerated but mostly suppressed. The Bacchanalia, as it was called, was for the most part comparable to today's after hours club or the "speakeasy" of prohibition times. Dionysos ultimately represents a return to the left hand path of the feminine. To sensuality. To transgressing society's morals and repression. To unity. He appears androgynous, he cross dresses, he encourages drink and drugs, and flaunts his sex appeal. It's this orgy of Love to which Dionysos returns. It reminds us he's indestructible. 

The most liberating act in my lifetime is the discovery of this guy Dionysos. I too, like Homer, have sent him away repeatedly, shamed him, belittled him, and tried to vanquish him but he is indestructible and always returns. He harangues Apollo and causes him no end of frustration. I see now the many times Dionysos took control and steered my desires towards fulfillment; he still does because I haven't integrated this dichotomy into a wholeness. It's out in the open now so I can at least laugh. I was going to say study it but that's Apollo talking again hoping to get one up on this guy. There is this capitulation on the part of Apollo in deference to Dionysos. An acceptance of the need to form a partnership instead of trying to get one up. To let go of the identity of self as Apollo that excludes Dionysos. In our modern culture, Dionysos has been reduced to the Greek god of wine and licentious behaviour. Fair enough I suppose because he epitomizes the lust for life. Dionysos is the elixir that powers up and makes the world go round and round. He is our base desires; the id. We kind of recognize this and attempt to trivialize it which leads to psychological outbursts and fulfillment of this suppressed power.

Following the concert, I had this dream about licentious behaviour and here is my interpretation of the early morning dream of Tuesday September 4th. It’s been a few months since I first asked Dionysos for help. I imagine he correctly deduced I wasn’t ready for his help. Actually, that’s pretty much the truth. I had to get a bunch of unquenched desires in order before embarking on this journey. I settled up last week and prepared myself in earnest. A week later it begins.

Major characters present in this dream were Eddie, Jimmy, and my mother in law. I was at a party. Due to the age of people attending, the party was winding down around 11pm. Jimmy was off somewhere with his Asian friends and invited me out with them, with the promises of lasciviousness. I then tried to figure out how I'd get there, oblivious it seems to the time and effort it would take to get to this place out of the way, not to mention the late hour. The alternative was Eddie and his bong which he had just brought out and was firing up. My mother in law, who was at the party, seemed okay with the bong which was strange. She represents the judging aspect in my dreams. She has appeared before in other dreams to represent disapproval of my actions. The dream didn't progress beyond the bong as I woke up. There's a Dionysian aspect of this dream and since I have asked him for help it isn't surprising. I have consciously entered a phase of work where I am trying to move my passions into the heart. I know Jimmy represents going all in for pleasure and Eddie is just a fun loving sort who used to be a Jimmy but has become tamer in his maturing. But thinking about it, they do both represent the untamed Dionysian aspects and they never disappoint in that they were always fun to be around. Subconsciously, I need to access that power once again and there is the element of the judging world which prevents you from doing that openly. Our Dionysian impulse in this society has to be kept under wraps. So my mother in law, representing the judge within, which is the psychological superego, was present for the beginnings of the movement of this power and it seems it was given the stamp of approval or at least a recognition that Dionysian power is under the watch of the judge in our western culture.

When activated, the Dionysian impulse causes a tendency in most to either bury or to keep it under wraps, occasionally letting it out under cover of virtual darkness. This keeps your non-approved behaviour away from the prying eyes of others who would judge that behaviour, thus causing a degree of shame in your life, and also they would claim a touch of control over you. This is the first lesson from Dionysos. He’s making me rethink my attitude towards him. My request of him is to move the passion of this madman into the heart and he is telling me that it is not going to work if you hide away your heart. You have to be open hearted and you have to embrace your passions and desires. Plus, he is reminding me to have fun.

A big part of Dionysian revelry is drama and the theatre. The development of theatre in Western Civilization comes from the ritual performance of mystery cult. Initiates would take on the roles of the supernatural and act the part along with singing and dancing as an element of the ritual. The mask, representing the ability to change persona, is a reminder we are playing a role on the grandest stage of all.

mask of Dionysos

Dionysos is the master player. He creates pathos, tragedy, and the triumphant return.

Through the unity of opposites Dionysos is trying to teach us to find balance in the centre. The power of Dionysos unmixed will destroy you. It is too much. Add some rational Apollo and you find harmony. Dilute the power of Dionysos, much like in ancient Greece no one would drink unmixed wine. Dilute the power of Apollo so he doesn't judge and condemn. Once the masculine is harmonized with all his parts he is then ready for the sacred marriage to the feminine. This spans many lifetimes acquiring wisdom along the journey. When ready, she will appear. That's why she is here and she is different things to different people or not even registering with most. There's the danger, or not really danger, but a good chance others will wonder what it is you are talking about. When ready the teacher appears. When ready to be reunited with the Goddess in a sacred marriage, the Hieros Gamos, she appears. Then there is this performance of this enchanting music and someone comes along playing a sacred drum. When you are ready to go home you will know. It's very mystical. This is supremely unable to be quantified because if you are at a different points on your path or a different path you will manifest different experiences. And then I will think you are nuts. And they will think I'm nuts. I'm dancing with Dionysos along the mountain ledge of the eternal return contemplating going home. For now, day breaks, and Apollo returns.

freedom

In western culture freedom is stressed. We are told we are free, we value freedom, we consider it a right, and we fight and die for freedom. Looking back into the annals of history, an indentured medieval serf or an African slave would have freedom at the top of their wish list. The old economic systems that relied upon indentured servants and slaves came to end in both the 19th century and the first world war of the early 20th century and the United States became the model for freedom. Today, we think we are free. I doubt we will ever be free but we are less controlled since we have more jurisdiction over our situations and can make choices on how we wish to live our lives. Ultimately, in order to eat and be sheltered it is a requirement to join the workforce or start a business to make money. Starting a business is a way we are more free however there is still a reliance on banks for capital in order to launch the business but you assume responsibility and directly benefit from profits or shoulder the burden of losses. As a worker, you have a choice of where to work however that is curtailed by your level of education. You are paid a wage that allows you to raise a family of more potential workers, feed, clothe, educate, and shelter them. Health care is provided for the worker to maintain their level of productivity. Some money is left over so you can enjoy yourself a little bit. We call this freedom. It's not freedom. It's an escape from a historically miserable existence however don't delude yourself as you are working for someone else and making them lots of money so they can try and win the I am the most materially successful game and accumulate the power to control others. Whatever level of the game they are playing, whether small business or large corporation, make no mistake you are generally subsisting while they try to get to the top.

The second time I drank the profound teacher and plant medicine called Ayahuasca I had a dreadful time. One of the visions presented to me was this strange hypnotic scene accompanied by a feeling of being captive in the jungle where I was a slave to a faceless owner and living in a ramshackle abode in the middle of nowhere. I had this eerie feeling that I had lived many lives in similar situations. At the time I felt like the jungle was enslaving me. Upon subsequent visionary experiences where I gained valuable experience, I have come to realize visions deal in metaphor and they don't necessarily explain themselves right away. You know when you listen to someone tell a joke and you don't understand it but then later on you get it and laugh? Well, that in a way is a big part of working with plant medicines. Some will call this an integration period because a largely overlooked part of the plant medicine experience is sitting with them afterwards and figuring out what was meant by the visions or the conversations with different entities. A great deal of the time it is revelatory or an epiphany while you are doing something unrelated. It is the most magical and humbling experience when the answer reveals itself to you. And the kicker is sometimes the lesson was pretty basic but you totally missed it at the time. Well, that's what happened here. Ayahuasca was telling me, "Hey dumbass you are still a slave. You can candy coat it however you want but here is the stark truth." I was so beat down by the novel experience that it just played into my paranoia and delusion at the time. That's why you write down your visions and interactions so that in the following months and years you can then one day realize what the experience was getting at.

So what? I am enslaved. I have a good family and decent life. Isn't that how they want me to feel so I don't become angry and rebellious? It has been ten months since I went deep in a plant medicine journey. It was with Huachuma in the Andes mountains of Ecuador and the day with this Grandfather plant was spent describing the world system, all its connecting nodes, and the wiseman talking to me in my altered state described this system as sucking Satan's cock. I was shown how ingrained into our lives it is, the many nodes that pulse this noxious frequency, and the monumental effort it will take to change it. The change comes one at a time through the opening of the heart in conjunction with developing socially responsible technologies that work for the betterment of the world as opposed to being devices for profit and greed. The blockchain is a step in the positive direction. There will be setbacks; the blockchain will be co-opted and crypto-currencies that are free of state manipulation like Bitcoin will be preyed upon by those looking for a quick score but eventually the flood of a new technological era will enable us to throw off the chains.

This leads to artificial intelligence and maybe AI is the superman George Bernard Shaw was talking about in that play "Man and Superman" I had to read in high school? It all depends on perspective and your view of the fundamental view of what we call reality. If you believe consciousness is the result of tiny particles that exhibit charge, spin, and mass coming together until they reach a breaking point of awareness which develops into individuated consciousness then AI becomes something that eventually we will have to treat as sentient beings when they reach this perceived switch point. From artificial intelligence will develop artificial consciousness. The majority of scientists, psychologists, and philosophers take this worldview as reality without reservation. I bring this up really just because I want to espouse my viewpoint and knock down the robot consciousness one. There is only one consciousness; it is a top down system. The universe is energy and awareness of the energy. Awareness activates the energy; non-awareness allows the energy to coalesce. Thus energy creates form which catches the eye of awareness and through desire awareness becomes conscious and brings the universe to life. Fundamentally, that is the everything from which everything is derivative.

AI will be the golden child of the new technological era and AI in my estimation has the ability to lead to our emancipation as long as it remains open sourced. Imagine a world where a human at birth is gifted an AI double which does the work required of them for survival? We can then create a collective world of philosophers or pleasure seekers. Or both. Or, have we just exchanged one problem for another? Well, anyway I can dream.

motion and thought

Been thinking more about time. Ultimately, it is motion. Time is the vibration of the eternal song, the Great Goddess, which creates the perception of a past as we hear the echoes of her song trailing into the distance. From this perception, we can then project and create a future. It's a peculiar human trait. The future is hardly a sure thing but just something humans can curiously construct and try to predict from available data. Why is the concept of time slippery and why will the eternal song forever remain a mystery? It is because humans objectify all and in truth the mystery is not solid; it is change, and therefore the antithesis to objectification. Just when we think we can grasp time, it slips away, just like the serpent. This process illuminates the Hindu concept of maya as illusion, in that all objects are illusions and by that it is meant they are transitory. Nothing lasts. The only constant is a lack of permanence. We recognize this, call this time, and see a world in constant flux. It is a dose of acceptance of change that we need. Embrace the music she creates and the now moment in which the song of creation eternally comes forth.

In the world of objects we have created for ourselves, we need time. We cling to a belief in permanence; and in order to continue the charade, we need the conception of time. An object lives in a dimension that includes time. What happens if the idea of objects is smashed? Everything becomes a no thing; instead what we have are vibrations cresting and falling. When we think about the past we understand the movement of the wave creates events that can be construed as being part of a timeline. Two necessary ingredients for the conception of time are therefore movement and thought.

The ancient art of astrology is given new life, once you realize nothing lasts. The occult practice is revealed as a way the ancients, desperate for a way to capture the moment, devised a scheme where a snapshot of the universe could be recorded with the expectation that the wheel of fortune eventually would revisit this same setup. It was as good a concept they could come up with knowing that when the wheel returned the body will have aged, the river will have changed, and this truth was captured by the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus who explained, "No man ever steps in the same river twice." However, there was the expectation that the universe, when arranged in a specific pattern, would repeat the actions and events that previously transpired under such a set-up, Heraclitus be damned.

The lessons of cyclical time inspired by horoscopy add insight to the quest for understanding the eternal song. The tune goes on forever but if you listen closely you can detect the familiar rhythms, pulses, riffs, and the backbeat that give us a feeling of familiarity with the rhythmic cycles of creation's daughter.

power

Imagine holding in your hands ultimate power! You have the power to control and alter anything you wish. We all strive for power. Play this scenario out to the end. You would become totally bored. Then you would start giving it away; you would feel the rush of uncertainty and of spiraling out of control. Eventually, you would give away all this power in order to create a world of unending possibilities; a world that would test your ability to love under the most dire of situations. To see what you are really made of when put to the challenge.

What kind of game would you construct? What unsolvable mystery would you have woven into the fabric of existence to frustrate and enchant? It is pretty clear humans love games, puzzles, rolls of the dice, and games of chance. Once you have totally immersed yourself within the game, what is the fallback strategy? When you totally fuck yourself over, who has the key to get you out? It seems to be Her. So, we try and stay away from the Goddess, and her mysterious plants, because she has the secret and the answers to the riddle which shows you the door to exit the game. The way out and home is through her gift of the heart when you are ready. You can continue to play the game and see how much you can accumulate, both physical and emotional stuff, before it is game over. Or maybe you are of the mindset that you want to deconstruct and figure out this game therefore you can’t let it go and continue searching for clues to unlock the whole enterprise. Life as we live it is always a race against time. Health and finally death are relentless stalkers.

The dragon is there in the game as the last line of defence against unlocking the truth; much like the final boss. When all else fails then out comes the threats on your life to get you to turn back and leave the path behind. You can't win this game without courage and there is a requirement of no fear. It will be tested. Once you take a step into the unknown, with an ounce of bravery to counteract the trepidation, it opens up. Dragons are bullies and standing up to them will cause them to back down. Enormous strength is required to vanquish the master player and most impressive foe.

Now is time for self-examination in terms of the game. I'm not interested in the accumulation gambit neither do I desire fame and glory. My motivation in this game has been to solve the mystery. It is a vast conundrum and I'm not sure there is a 100% solvability rate but at this point, year 50 of my game, I'm pretty cool with what I have figured out. Equally important is my uncanny ability to have sidestepped all the pitfalls and traps life throws at you to knock you off that path of discovery or to tie you up in knots in order to possibly get you to sell out to some belief system and accept a belief in someone else's beliefs. Haven't done that at all. It's all me baby! No more games after this one, well at least for a while...

creator and destroyer

To explain the idea of creator and destroyer is to not take it from a literal and physical standpoint. Instead, approach the concept from the standpoint of idealism and then it will make sense to you, though making sense is probably not a prerequisite of the concept. As an individuated representative of total consciousness, it is mind that creates the world in which it exists. We create our world generated from what we can sense. What we are not aware of does not become part of the image we form of the world. Do you see that? What we cannot sense we cannot possibly incorporate into our vision of the world. Since we all have the same base senses, we come up with a common and plausible conception of the world. Those that have extrasensory perception or alter their conscious awareness describe a world that seems strange and fantastic to the consensus reality we operate within. They are hinting at something beyond but since it is inaccessible for the most part, it is relegated to the designation of fantasy.  We have created this image of the world. As destroyer, we then see through this facade. Destroyer is to not be taken as a pejorative term; instead, it is a good thing! By once again drawing on primal awareness, free of spin, you can break free of the commonality of consensus reality and throw off the chains of what you are supposed to believe courtesy of others who hold the key to that agenda. In a way, become a child again and sense the world with wonder. Give yourself a reset and start creating your own world, not someone or something else's world. The power is in your hands. 

psychological concepts and the understanding of self

Self is created through thinking and self reflection, a quality humans have developed. Being a construct of mind, the self is fragile and can be at times easily manipulated. To try and break free of this manipulation causes self to turn on self. There's no way around facing this gun fight at high noon.

The mind heads for judgment as its first course of action. The social app Facebook is pernicious in this regard because immediately you have to make judgment decisions on what is presented to you as you scroll through the posts. Humans crave acceptance from others so psychologically you present a snapshot of your life, thoughts, beliefs, or interests and then you wait to see if it gains approval from others who hold this power over you. It's a strange gambit but it could pay off in rewards. If you accumulate likes and followers then you achieve to a degree fame. Then you build off that fame with your ego temporarily feeling satisfaction in achieving this notoriety. Social media is a bit of a catch 22 in that it is a great way to stay connected and a big part of life is connecting with others. The way past this judgment is positivity and to like and encourage.

I am desire, I am Love, I am my feelings, passions, dislikes, and likes based on awareness. Psychologically it is called the Id. My sense of self, identity, and the suppression and control of my base needs and desires is mediated through Ego. Ego is formed by an interaction with others and culture who want you to fit into society's box. From this develops the Superego which judges, rewards, punishes, and controls the ego like a puppet. And it can be malicious. The ego is kept in line via shame and rewards meanwhile the id is buried, though feelings always surface. The feedback loop between ego and superego suppresses the id. I was confused all my life because I thought my impulses were causing havoc but here's the thing: I was trying to break free of the puppet master by getting rid of my ego so when I did that the superego just made the goal of a higher self the next egoic achievement. You see this outcome in many others. They want to become ultra spiritual but it is still just the ego now moved up to a higher place. I wanted to get one up on everyone and I was going to do it by becoming enlightened! The Goddess at one point had told me there are many layers to the deception and when I did the whole spiritual trip in the end she just laughed at me and said it is all about Love. Nothing else matters. So conceptually shedding the ego and superego reveals who you are, pure conscious awareness, as far as I can tell. There's no higher self and no lower self. Just me, warts and all. I want pleasure, I want Love, I'll act and react when challenged. I will accept.

So what about this id? Psychological concepts were a product of the 19th and 20th centuries but there is a treasure trove of deep work into the psyche that we now call mythology and largely dismiss. The masters we have voluminous records of were the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Hindus. All great societies of the past we can learn from and a great overview of this can be gleaned from Joseph Campbell's book The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

I will touch on one of these great gods of the past which has been calling to me and that I have done some work on over the past little while. It comes from a question of what gives the energetic wave that enlivens us the impetus to rise, fall, and repeat? It is desire. The feminine encapsulates desire and the masculine is enlivened to come forth through want. Within the masculine is a transformer that absorbs this power and lights up desire. The ancient Greeks called him Dionysos.

The ever coming one of indestructible life. He appears, and then goes away to eventually return again. In our modern culture he has been reduced to the Greek god of wine and licentious behaviour. Fair enough I suppose because he epitomizes the lust for life. Dionysos is the elixir that powers up and makes the world go round and round. He is our base desires; the id.

Dionysos is born under the cover of darkness, forever coming forth after being torn apart; this alluding to patriarchal societies that are always suppressing Dionysos. Greek reason rose on the back of Apollo after the influence of Dionysos was repressed. The major Greek mysteries conducted at Eleusis and Delphi both contained elements of the mystery of Dionysos. In Roman society, Dionysos was allowed out once a year during the Bacchanalia as the people shed their pent up frustrations and inhibitions. Dionysos ultimately represents a return to the left hand path of the feminine. To sensuality. To transgressing society's morals and repression. He appears androgynous, he cross dresses, he encourages drink and drugs, and flaunts his sex appeal. If you want to find him in modern times look towards good old rock 'n roll. Watch this performance by Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin and you'll get the idea. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll baby! is this guy. It symbolizes a society out of control, freeing itself of the shackles of good taste and modesty, and perhaps that what we need before we destroy ourselves. Our world is a locked down patriarchy, dominated by the rigours of science and reason which exacerbate our destructive tendencies in a quest to control everything instead of letting things be, enjoying ourselves, and loving one another. It's this orgy of Love Dionysos ever returns to remind us of because he's indestructible. Until given his proper place and an equality with Apollo in order to find that critical balance, the outburst of Dionysian lust will forever trouble and harangue Apollo and the edifice he has built.

The cross dressing, transgendered, and somewhat effeminate Dionysos is needed in order to bring balance into the masculine sphere. It's a reminder to embrace the feminine into our life to counteract the rigid and destructive side of Apollo. In Pre-Columbian South America mesa rituals there were a class of Andean shamans called quariwarmi who ritually cross dressed in order to mediate the feminine and masculine to a wholeness and balance in the centre. It is a concept called in the Quechua language tinkuy and it is what the quariwarmi shamans were trying to achieve. Tinkuy is the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation. It's all about bringing everything into the centre, the in between space, to find balance. This place was called the 'chaupi' and the central axis in this common territory was called the 'chhimi' which means the heart. These were societies that still retained an innocence, a respect for the feminine, and valued a holistic way of life. They remained largely untouched by the purview of hyper masculinity until the Spanish arrived. In Ancient Greece the collapse of the Bronze Age spelt the beginning of the end for the ideal of balance. Apollo slew the dragon and took over the oracle at Delphi, and the Hellenistic world that came out of this usurpation is a bedrock our western civilization rests on. At the same time the matriarchal Cretan society vanished and Greece transformed itself into a bastion of reason and logic epitomized by Apollo. They tried to retain a balance, but ultimately as their treatment of women showed, it failed.

i am

The sun as the avatar of the right-hand path is so bright that it is blinding. When you engage the right-hand path of ego self, and this is not a condemnation of that path, you shine very brightly and from this you are unable to see and connect to the left-hand path which is a holistic path that reveals we are all connected as one. Following the right-hand path is a necessary part of the journey, in fact follow it all the way to the end and get right into it. Celebrate the self and pay attention to how we all act out of self-interest; it's quite necessary for individual survival. And when you've exhausted yourself on that path, you are much older and wiser, and you can then start to grasp the left-hand path where you find the moon and wisdom and incorporate this modality of the greater good into how you conduct your life.

I have sat with the ego self for a few years now trying to find the underlying cause of this self. In this case when you get into these spiritual questions and engage all the different beliefs and teachings of the ages, you gravitate towards the Hindu and Buddhist traditions because they teach the ego self is transitory and is a delusion. I became trapped by this thinking and subsequently tried to free myself from ego, spent some time battling with myself but didn't really get anywhere. It was last fall when I realized the quest to become enlightened, to free self from ego, to climb that mountain of spiritual achievement, was in fact just another game and trap of the ego. So, I just let it go and came down the mountain back to a more balanced way of thinking.

I have stressed that the root of one's beliefs must be experiential and not one in someone else's. It's a mind trap to get stuck in this mindset. I don't care how venerated some spiritual system is, you should question it, and find your own answers. Well at least that's how I function and would need to do before accepting anything at face value. So last fall when I went through the Huachuma Mesadas at SpiritQuest, altering my consciousness in order to access the wisdom of the ages, I was inundated with the simple answer that Love is everything. That is the only enlightenment, spiritual truth, or mysterious knowledge you really need to know. I was taught we are made of Love, and existence is one big training ground for us to learn to make that Love shine. I was taught our very core is Love, we are to Love, and to this fount of Love we will return. Until we learn to live a life immersed in this Love, we will repeat the curriculum until we “get it.” It was a simple message. This teaching, however, hinted at the continuance of self upon physical expiration and conflicted with what I had accepted as transitory. To be clear I am not referring to personality or the character we have built in this instance but the underlying energy that is the base for our perceived solo identity. A simple message threw my complex understanding of the mysteries of life into disarray! Now I must change my beliefs and rewrite my understanding of self. It's funny how we tend to resist challenges to established beliefs like the ego self hates being told it was wrong. You see the delicious irony here, right? My ego self was pissed off that they were built upon a slice of the vibratory foundation of Love as opposed to being a peculiarity of consciousness.

One of the first things the Great Goddess taught me when I drank Ayahuasca and sat in communion with her, was that all is vibration. That teaching is something I go back to quite often as it has solved a great deal of the mysteries that have vexed me. In learning of the survival of some form of self upon physical death I eventually went back to vibration and realized my manifestation of this self is a vibration that is coming forth periodically and then returning to the fount in order to recharge the energy that will propel it upon another journey. The master vibration is a vibration of Love; it's the eternal song. It is where we all come from. We are energetic patterns that have as their origin this Love vibration. We are the junior partner in the manifestation of the universe. We are the music coming forth from the eternal song. We are all important; we are all Loved; and we are welcomed home when we are ready to come home. We left because we wanted to make our own way, just like the rebellious teenager, and shine our light so brightly on our own. After doing that, we gain wisdom, regain our sight, and acquire great clarity to see the way back to where we came from. It's the left-hand path back to mama. It's time to go back home.

merry go round

Being unable to recall who you are is the necessary condition that is making this go round a game worth playing. Everything is new again. Because of this amnesia, we can look back into the past through historical records and try and and get an understanding of what has happened before we arrived on the scene and also project into the future what may happen. When our physical bodies perish and localized consciousness is freed and returns to source, I get this feeling we unlock the secret and access all events and knowledge. Imagine the surprise as you realize that consciousness is a singularity and you were there in Egypt during its dynastic ascendancy and you were present at the end of the Bronze Age when the mysterious Sea People destroyed civilization after civilization. You were present when the Roman senate conspired against Julius Caesar and after the French Revolution when Napoleon marched through Europe. And now I live in the age of technology thinking I only came into being in 1967. We die but then reappear somewhere else, each vibration coming forth once again after gathering up energy plus momentum and returning for the next journey.

You were everyone who ever was, is present now, and will be in the future. You are it, playing many roles to keep this great game going, and within this game are traps and dead ends to trip you up and trip you they will. Everytime you hurt someone you are hurting yourself. Everytime you love someone you are loving yourself. What do you want to do?

Intellectually I can figure out all the mysteries. Then they will drive me crazy because I know the answers and I can't put them into practice. Do you really want to know the answer? Are you sure? What is going to happen when you fail at embodying the simple answer and truth that was revealed to you? I didn't think that through.

Last time I was in Peru my friend don Howard said to me you have the answer, now you have to put it into practice. It takes courage. It's the only way to live.

Tell me it is worth another try. We've got to Love one another. Light of the world shine on me, Love is the answer. 

material things and cosmic gamblers

If you have a boat that over the years you have maintained by replacing all its parts is it still the same boat? If your body completely regenerates itself over the course of seven years are you still the same person? The answer is found in the objectification of everything which we by default participate in. You are a happening; a continuous flow of energy, ever transforming, until this meat body expires and a new vehicle is engaged. What is meant then by your heart? Your soul? Well, what does your heart do? It beats out a rhythm and that signature music is as close as you can come to defining you. Intuitively, we choose to define someone's essence by how good their heart is. Don't be afraid of intuition; the language we choose for ethereal meanings contains within it hidden gems derived from this innate knowledge.

When we objectify we want to possess. Is desire the result of all this objectification? A woman wants to embody desire and being an object of desire is necessary for her to feel complete. There is a feeling of a magic spell being involved in all of this in that feminine energy assumes a form that energizes masculine consciousness to pursue this object of his desire. Being powered up, he then notices he is aware and from this point he brings the world into being. 

Your vibration on a march towards physical expiration slows to a state of near latency and from this condition we can reconnect to the master frequency, which is total conscious awareness of everything. Some call it higher consciousness. This awareness is in contrast to the individuated local consciousness to which we currently subscribe. Eventually, we may once again desire to head off into the paradigm of self. Roll the dice and once more play the game.

dream big

A dream is a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. Check out the language spell here as this is how the opposite of dream is described:

Antonyms
actuality
certainty
existence
fact
reality
substance
truth

Our dreams, in an overarching way, are giving us a clue; a clue to our existence. I don't exactly know what but I intuit some connection between our dreams and the nature of our own reality. It is like there is a dreamcaster who has put the one consciousness to sleep and this universe is the simultaneous dream of consciousness manifesting at different points unawares of the mental aspect of this existence. These are the cascading of successive dreams. In the same way our fairy tales of sleeping beauty, princes, magic, and rescuing princesses must be alluding this situation or our motivation to seek answers.

Dreams I'd have to say are not at all frivolous though the contents at first glance can be considered as such. I had one such dream about a month before I left for South America last fall where I woke from it and it was very vivid in my memory. I went to the bathroom and I thought what a strange dream; this really is disconnected from me. It only took about a minute until I realized what it meant. Here's the dream: I was at a train station waiting for a train. There was a small lake at the back of the station and I heard rumours of a drowning. I saw a little girl walking towards me as I went to investigate at the lake. She looked lost and then I heard her mother had presumably drowned in the lake. As I approached the lake I witnessed a rescue crew saving a man and his dog from drowning. The dog, which was a golden retriever, knocked one of the rescuers into the lake in his exuberance as he got in the boat. The rescuer hung on and pulled himself back in. It was amusing. I then woke up.

So after thinking for a brief time about this dream I realized the little girl was my heart. The mother of my heart drowned with the water being a symbol for a return to the lower world. The dream took place on dry land which symbolizes the middle world which is where we are. So my heart has been left on its own. The man and his dog that were rescued from drowning is clearly me and my loyal companion. It's my attachment to the mysteries of the lower world that this was symbolizing. The mother had returned to the lower world and I went in after her which left my heart vulnerable. I've been shown in visions my attachment to this dark lower world. If I wish to do the final ascent up the mountain to the peak I must not follow the mother back into the lower world however inviting it is. My heart and I must continue up the mountain without the mother. She remains behind. I got the message a few months before planning the trip my time with Ayahuasca had run its course and I should not go back to the Amazon to partake in anymore ceremonies for the time being. I went back to be in ceremony and sit with Huachuma, which is an upper world, energy of the masculine mountains, type of plant medicine. So in a way the dream was telling me I'm on my own for this one and also that I will try to go back and cling to the lower world and the mother. There's a chance if I do that I'll drown which is a metaphor for getting stuck in that region again. The train station is connected back to an Ayahuasca ceremony where a dark masculine power told me that if I didn't follow the 'correct' path I would walk in front of a train. So there's an element of danger here as well as a symbol of the journey coming to an abrupt end.

The part of the brain which connects with consciousness and is responsible for the dreaming is really marvellous. Another dream I had recently was very vivid and real. It was so convincing. It is magic. The dreamcaster was seamlessly weaving events and memories to create an incredible storyline that I fell for and totally bought into. I was in South America and went to some Ayahuasca retreat that had been recommended as an alternative to SpiritQuest. The grounds were tranquil and the people I met were of the ilk I'd expect; there was a new age feeling to it. Even the owner or facilitator who was walking around played his part impeccably where he would be talking to himself and whistling in a non threatening and slightly off way. The guy I was talking to had this annoying tendency to take every concept or object I mentioned in conversation and correcting my terminology to fit his lingo. Finally when I said shaman he corrected it to 'roncaster' and this annoyed me to the point where the dream halted and at that point I woke up, it was about 3am, and I totally remembered all the details of the dream. I have had a few like that over the past year and they keep getting more and more impressive. Equally impressive was a dream where I drank Huachuma and felt the effects of it in my dream; that was truly masterful. It is incredible how the dreamcaster can take an element from my consciousness and weave it into the story. They keep getting better and better at it. Beforehand something in a dream would happen that didn't add up and it would give the show away.

Then in my waking state there is the curious case of the appearance of a big brown owl one night in the woods in mid February. On don Howard's Huachuma Mesa is this big brown owl and during one of the November mesada ceremonies, called the singado, you inhale this liquid which puts you in a trance state. Don Howard tells you to approach an object on the Mesa that is attracting you so I went to the big brown owl at the back.

That owl came alive, it would slowly blink its eyelids, and then its face transformed into the Goddess. Obviously I did not take this connection to heart though I have noticed a connection with seeing owls and my plant medicine journeys. So anyway I saw the owl in the woods and the next day I heard don Howard had cancelled a bunch of retreats. The owl had come to me to tell me he was very sick. This connects to a very vivid dream I had while at SpiritQuest where this woman told me he was very sick. In the dream I was like no I just saw him, he's fine. Curiously this dream had occurred the night after the singado ceremony at SpiritQuest. Sometimes I am slow on the uptake but I do get it eventually.

My life is some kind of a dream; a dream where I wipe away my knowledge and start from scratch and try to uncover the mystery. The mystery is her. Go get lost and see if I can find her and see if she can wake me up. I’ve come close a couple times and she has tried to lead me away from my delusion of believing I am the character I play and then she tried an erotic gambit so that the culmination would lead to a breaking of the spell. I subconsciously pulled out of that one. I think she is done with the game and longs to be reunited. I guess I’m stubborn and wanted to do it on my terms. I’m pretty sure this is the eternal game. It’s a really good game; the only way I have been able to see through it is because of my contrarian nature: why the denigration of the feminine? Why all these masculine spiritual pursuits? They all are subterfuge.

holy grail

As the peculiarities, vagaries, and precariousness of life present challenges to us in our life journey what is that one thing humanity seeks? It's the fountain of youth, the holy grail, the quest for immortality. Do you want to know what the secret is to eternal life? Here, I will give you the answer. The secret to eternal life is quite simply Love. Love is the fount and if you have access to this source then immortality is within your grasp. You then surf the Love wave. Without this access, you remain on the cycle of coming and going; living and dying. My Vilca vision last November at SpiritQuest revealed some of these immortals who ride the Love wave. They were made of Love and shone exquisite light. Here is my written recollection of this experience:

The initial and intensive phase of the coming on of Vilca was pretty much a summation of all the difficulties, hardships, and in your face challenges presented by the plant medicines over the course of the last four and a half years to see if I - the knave, to wit the fool, could summon the courage to stay the course and remain invested in the path available by entering into the heart space. It took trust, a hell of a lot of courage, and much resolve, which admittedly did waver a few times, but though I definitely was wary and had much trepidation at no time did fear overwhelm me. I was able to steer my vessel on through and past the tempest. To my surprise the seas became calm and I was lifted up into a realm I can describe as populated by beings made of Love; they exuded Love; and they gave me the opportunity to demonstrate my Love.

The ascension into this realm of Love and Light was gradual and felt mechanical like the movement of an elevator. I could hear mechanical sounds that were congruent with the operation of this celestial lift. When I reached my destination it was dark and and I could visually make out what appeared to be pipes and shafts in the room I now found myself in. Soon after, beings of light started to appear and they would present themselves to me and express Love through this incredibly beautiful and colourful lighting up of their whole being. The shape of these beings was geometrical, maybe diamond like, though I do not want to box them into a defined shape. They moved with an effortless grace as one would dance with expertise once mastering movement without the constraints of gravity. This Vilca vision of exquisite and luminous beings made of Love and shining an ineffable iridescence, well a decent and simple description of them comes from the title of a Pink Floyd song "Shine On You Crazy Diamond." There is a verse in that song that makes me wonder about Roger Waters' mystical experience:

"Remember when you were young and you shone like the sun?"

To describe the way the generated light came forth from these diamond-like shapes so far the best analogy I have come up with is an audible term which is trill. From dictionary.com I grabbed these two definitions of trill that fit the behaviour I witnessed, with the difference being instead of sound it was the light they exuded expressing this behaviour:

• to resound vibrantly, or with a rapid succession of sounds, as the voice, song, or laughter.
• to utter or make a sound or succession of sounds resembling such singing, as a bird, frog, grasshopper, or person laughing.

They were playing the musical scale but visually, and they expressed themselves through this behaviour. It would also be analogous to Tantric descriptions of Kundalini energy that rises through the Chakras within the energetic body that changes colour upon ascension and descension. My attempts to convert this experience into language is clumsy but hopefully this gives some sort of idea into what it is I saw in this most awesome place.

I am Light and to Love I will return.

I understood them to be made of Love and to be projecting Love. I realized that it is mine and everyone’s inheritance to become one of these eternal beings of Love. Within all is this Love and all that matters is to cultivate this Love. Grow it as much as you can and shine! The room went dark and they encouraged me to do this so I lit up the room with Love. The whole scene seemed brief as compared to the torture I went through to get here but even so I was overwhelmed with gratefulness and felt so blessed. I resolved to Love as much as possible so I too will shine my Love everywhere as Love without a doubt is the answer I was seeking. It is the power that animates creation and it is how we will return home. Soon after I felt the experience fall away and I was back to a baseline of consciousness.

Well, well, well, that's it. That's the challenge now that I know this; no more excuses. The coming and going of cyclical consciousness zaps memory so if I fail this challenge then I get to start over and spend another lifetime trying to remember why am I back again and what am I looking for? I'd have to petition Sri Ganesha for help again and rely on finding the next don Howard, and it goes without saying I'd need to be born into another good family, in another peaceful country, with access to education, and a source of well above average income. Long odds those. In other words, the time is now. It's pretty imperative and urgent I'd say.

Birth and death are at similar points on the cycle of vibration in that they are at the bottom of the cycle where energy coalesces in order to burst forth once again in the continual cycle of coming and going. There is no annihilation as you are energy that pulses. The concept of eternal life becomes whether your energy can fluctuate at a vibration where you don't blow it all out in the one pass but instead taper the cycle and maintain appearances. What is the secret of drawing on the power that would allow for this? The eternal fount of energy is Love so in order to get off the merry go round all we have to do is access the power of Love. Seems simple enough.

This amalgamation of energy that forms us individually remains intact upon physical death and I think we retain a sense of self at our expiration; in other words, our individuated points of consciousness do not dissolve away. I take this position because of what I have experienced in altered states of consciousness. The energy which constitutes what we describe as an autonomous self is from the eternal fount of Love. We are made of Love. Eventually, I think we return to that Love and do dissolve back into the whole. Rather than this being the annihilation of self, instead it is returning to omnipotence now imbued with the experience of many lives lived. Suffering, triumph, and learning all about Love.

We are the ever changing transformation of energy. We are children of the eternal song.

peace

As humans we identify with the sun because its daily cycle mimics our own patterns of coming and going, awake and rest. The moon moves around in the sky, doesn't rise and set per se, and takes its time in coming to full power before expelling that power in a gradual cycle. The sun is in a hurry everyday to get to the top and shine like no other but then it experiences a more rapid decline. The lesson is you can't hold onto it, but have to let it go, and when you do it comes back. It is the Tao and to the Now we will return.

the sun setting over the Nile in a blaze of glory!

To climb the mountain entails engaging the carnival. But then again why am I here? In probability because of a desire to climb that mountain. It is done; the mountain has been climbed. I figure now is a return to the valley to rest in peace and in the meantime, on the journey down the mountain, I can be of service.

climbed that mountain

I'm on the precipice of some kind of inner peace. I had thought if I want peace then I have to stop searching for the answer. I'd have to become a child again like I did in the second Huachuma mesada last November and play like a child of the earth mother. However in the mountains of Ecuador I was given the reminder to play and not to go all in to the left hand path but find the centre.

The pull of the right hand path in conjunction with the chill left hand path are becoming balanced. Maybe this is where I was heading all along? The right hand path drives me to find answers to the mysteries of life while the left hand path teaches me Love and unity. To find peace I thought it would be necessary to let go of the seeking. It is balance. Do not sacrifice the right hand path but instead use it to an advantage to give you the drive to keep up the quest for knowledge and to probe deeper into the mysteries.

What is it that I want? Knowledge, forbidden knowledge, knowledge of this game we are all playing, destiny.

Why? It is a puzzle I want to solve. It's near impossible but I like the challenge.

It has become clear over the last few weeks that the path of shamanism that leads to higher consciousness through the channel of the heart is the first thing in my 50 years of life that feels deep down inside a path that resonates with my essence. I say this because so many paths in my life do not. You know that awful feeling in your gut five days a week when the alarm goes off and you have to go to work? I don't mind my job, I'm good at it, but it still doesn't harmonize with my soul. I read this story about a football player who turned pro as a baseball pitcher and then couldn't throw strikes anymore because deep down his soul was telling him this is not my path. Once he went back to football he became a different person, happy again. I want to be of service and bring people to the plant medicines to heal and sit at the fount of wisdom.

My Vilca vision from the summer of 2016 at SpiritQuest of healing people through the use of Mapacho is referring to bringing people to plant medicines so they can see existence for what it is. My gift is my ability to describe the ineffable by bringing back core concepts from my journeys into altered states of consciousness and laying them out in an understandable writing style. That’s a good way to be of service.

mind candy

Plant medicine ceremonies are very hypnotic and it is what my conscious awareness flags at the onset of the intoxication. With experience, and proper set and setting, you may learn to let go and trust, if not the plants and the ego mind will continually knock you hard in the head. I struggled with this aspect of the journey constantly as I was very wary of how hypnotic the whole experience can be. What I eventually learned is this mistrust is unavoidable if you engage the mind and I have flagged it in those situations because my mind has been front and centre to the experience. This "in your face" part of the ceremony is a good demonstration of scale. What I mean is that in contrast culture is a slow and methodical way of hypnotizing you and then to break free of this hold, which around mid-life we all get the urge to do, is very difficult because you have ensconced yourself so deep in it in every aspect of the life you have created for yourself. It is a major part of the whole character drama you are playing as Mr. or Mrs. Smith and all the expectations that are required of you to fulfill, lest the whispers begin about how you are surely not acting in character anymore. To break this spell is what I sense plant medicines, Ayahuasca and her shaman being the queen/master of this, are doing and they do it by reverse hypnosis. A heavy induction is required to break the spell. So I think part of the human experience is recognizing this and how easily your mind is manipulated. And once learning this caution at some point you disengage the mind but it is difficult because the human mind is fascinating and it likes candy. The only way out is to to disengage and sit there in awareness. As soon as you engage the mind you start to separate things and create feedback loops of thinking about thoughts. It is by observation that you remember you are everything and that the world we live in is the biggest stage for the grandest drama of all.

sledgehammer

We live in a compositing model of existence. We are all separate objects against a transparent background and a great and mysterious compositor layers all objects together to create a seamless manifest universe. The great compositor can also be viewed as an architect. This is ridiculous. I am a part of my environment; I cannot be separated from it. My environment is part of the earth, which is part of the solar system, which is part of the galaxy, which is part of the universe.

There is no need to objectify even the universe or describe it as the one. That is clinging to the belief in objects. I can come to terms with giving up all objects except for that one. I will still stubbornly believe there is the one great object that everything comes from. Take a sledgehammer to that last belief you so desperately cling to and the only way I can describe this in language is to say then it just "is", with this word "is" being used as a verb and not a noun.

the eternal song

Consciousness is awareness therefore thoughts and feelings are generated by something external. Consciousness takes ownership of these thoughts and feelings but they are attachments. This is awareness and energy playing an eternal game. Energy is magic, can assume any form, and becomes the object of awareness' desire. This elixir gives rise to thoughts and feelings and the game is on. The human is a special case because of the ability to self reflect. They can think about thinking. We grab hold of thoughts and then have thoughts about them which sets up a feedback loop where we form a new thought based on thinking about a thought. It is within this web that we find ourselves tangled up in.

As I was sitting outside on my deck smoking Mapacho, I looked at the chair across from me and wondered at what point did it become a chair? It was a plastic form that was moulded into a shape, given four legs, two armrests, a seat, and a back. Now I defined it as an object and it seems as real as anything else in this world. I then projected that construct onto my ego and deduced my ego is real because I have defined it as being real. It exists because I give it the power to do so by recognizing it as such. Taking this further, my body is distinct and real for the same reasons. The conundrum in all of this is that everything that seems real are just constructs we have all agreed upon as being so. In this thinking I give rise to a self. I essentially give rise to the world through delineation. This recursive process emanating from a false construct of ego is the cause of all separation. So this error in thinking feedbacks into a recursive loop where the one self becomes the many selves.

The feminine divine is the one object and everything is derivative of her however I have realized she is not even an object. The first time I drank Ayahuasca she told me of her essence - the Goddess told me all is vibration and I came to eventually realize all of creation is from this pulsation. I didn't realize at the time she was also referring to herself, it took about 5 years, and then it hit me. My ignorance was fostered by the language spell that we are all hypnotized with and therefore I wanted to objectify her. Over the course of the last five years I have slowly discarded notions of concreteness for everything except for her, as I could detect everything as being inseparable from totality. All it then took was taking a sledgehammer to my clinging to the idea that there had to be one eternal object even though I know all objects are things you can't count on, nothing lasts, perceived objects are all subject to dissolution, and this energy transforms into something else. The ancient Egyptians depicted this phenomenon in the natural order of things with the scarab Khepri, the master of transformation.

Khepri with scarab head and human body

To grasp the eternal is to see ever transforming patterns coming forth from an eternal energy source that gives away its secrets to those who can quiet their minds and just observe nature without putting their spin on what they observe. Awareness is to become the jaguar, observe, and react to that input. Nothing lasts, but the energy is always there rising and falling, coming magically into existence, and then performing a disappearing act, in preparation to eventually bloom again just like the flowers, the grasses, the seasons, the moon, the sun, breathing, my sleep cycle, my libido, and on it goes. Eventually you make the connection to the beating of your heart.

She has shown me all this in subsequent Ayahuasca ceremonies. She presented herself as whirling energy containing the potentiality of everything. She has also presented herself to me as Queen, as maiden, as lover, a sexually charged woman, as wife, mother, grandmother, a cat, a cow, twin serpents, a slithering green boa, the ancient Egyptian goddesses Hathor and Neith, and Love. She encouraged me to climb the mountain, savour it, then let it go, and come back down to the valley.

In ancient Egypt the Great Goddess Hathor was propitiated through the shaking of the musical instrument called the sistrum.

Renpet with Hathor adorned sistrum

Hathor with her association to music and dance, was invoked on a deeper level through the movement and sound created by the sistrum and this is revealing that the ancient Egyptians were aware of her eternal essence as vibration by choosing this method of worship to call upon her. They objectified her on their tomb walls, in temples of devotion, and they depicted her as mother, lover, Queen, serpent, cow, and lioness however the use of the sistrum reveals a level of understanding of the nature of Hathor as being vibratory energy. In a culturally similar way, the Hindus ultimately revealed their understanding of the Great Goddess Shakti, the energy source behind all and what powers Shiva. In the Tantric Chakra system they devised for understanding the subtle body, it is Shakti as the Kundalini serpent that must be propitiated and roused in order to awaken this energy within that then rises up through the chakras thus 'enlightening' the aspirant.

So I am a pattern of awareness that has come forth from the eternal vibration, living in an intricately woven cloth of multiple vibratory strands that are so well tailored we confuse it for a tangible and solid world, and then base our worldview upon that erroneous intuition. This energy, all from the same fount, rises from the darkness of potentialities, climbs the mountain of appearance, and then returns to the mother in preparation for coming forth by day once again.

She is the eternal song and I am the music.

get back to the now

The separation of the monad as the event. All subsequent events are echoes of the original event which contained everything. The past is derivative of the eternal Now. When the monad separated, the explosion sent out vibrations deep into what can be thought of as the past. At first this energy created a huge ripple of space and time, a massive time cycle, which is measured in distance and duration. As the energy dissipates, the vibrations' peaks and valleys get less intense. We are all living in an explosion of space and time which is creating a past and everything is eventually headed back towards the eternal Now. All of creation is a vibration and time will eventually run in reverse to flow back towards the Now. The future is just past events that have yet to reoccur; they originally occurred during the original explosion of energy and await their replaying on the road home, all leading to the ever present Now. Get back to the Now. Home is Now and we want to return.

The frequency at which our vibration is oscillating is determining our ability to remember the past. Now is the only state there is but when we are able to self reflect and perceive Now it creates echoes much like the decay of a musical note. What makes music interesting is this decay. The decay of the note is leaving a trail behind of itself that we perceive as a past however it is all derivative of the eternal Now. Now is a ship sailing in the ocean and its wake is the past being left behind. The movement of the ship is such that we can look back into the water at the past and see the ripples our presence has made. This leads to questions such as when did Now start creating a past? It would have to be when it became active. From a cosmological standpoint the big bang would have created a huge vibrational force that exploded outwards, thus creating a first event. This event starts the process of creating dualities, and once the cresting vibrational wave has sufficiently slowed, the perception of separate objects. All time events then build off that event as the ship sails back from the farthest reaches of the past which was the crest of the wave, towards a date with destiny where Now and the trough of the vibrational wave meet and becomes unified once again.

The ship is catapulted far into the deep past by the big bang explosion and then it sails back to start retracing the events that were created as the wave vibration was ascending. Are we in the ascension or descension stage of the vibration? Modern astrophysics describes the universe as expanding so apparently the wave has not crested as of yet and events are still being created. Eventually the universe will collapse inwards and from that is set up an interesting conundrum: will all created time events then get played in reverse? A flip. Will the dead rise!?!

take the long way home

Climbing the spiritual mountain is the supreme egoic accomplishment in this game. By reaching the top you essentially become the most high. The race to the top, while dealing with your split personality, eventually satisfies both sides of the contending halves of your mind. In other human pursuits, this drive to get to the top of your game is the shiny right hand path beckoning you on with promises of fame and fortune. Once reached, the accolades come pouring in. You have made it!

There are two paths - the left and the right. One is shiny, full of your immediate desires, and leads to your cyclical death and re-birth. The other is mundane and dull; however, unlike desire which appears, peaks, and disappears, it just is; it follows the arcing and declension of the natural way. And that's the choice. In ancient Egypt, the two courses can be represented as the cyclical path of the sun god versus the stability of Osiris and the ultimate meaning is contained in their two concepts of time which are neheh and djet.

Osiris and Re merged into one

Neheh is the cyclical path that Re makes and brings time to order. Djet just is; it is not created nor governed.

The right hand path is the path of the sun. Round and round he goes, daily climbing that mountain in the north, shining in full radiance at midday, and then falling into the waters after exhausting himself. The next day he does the same thing, on and on he goes always taking that shiny bejeweled route. The left hand path is the path of the moon. She appears in a cycle out of the waters broken, but eventually reconstituting herself until she shines as well. She does not shine as brightly as the sun however she does not flame out daily like the sun. Instead, she takes her time on this journey to completeness following the natural way until she loses her power and returns to the darkness to regenerate herself over a three day period. The sun is forcing things and his brilliance is short in comparison to the moon, as she follows the great Tao. She lives one life for every twenty eight he lives. In this creation that has manifested, everything is subject to the rhythms of the natural way of things.

I see life and I see death all around me. Day breaks and then night sets upon us. I wake and then I sleep. The energy which courses through me is cyclical. It comes and goes in an undulating serpentine rhythm. To replenish the energy, I need to eat and rest. Like moths to the flame, we are all attracted to fame, fortune, and glory. Looking around I can see the natural path is to take the long way home, shine brightly in full radiance, and then return to the void.

clarity

There is no eternal reward or punishment. It is a choice whether to get off the wheel of incarnation. Desire is the overriding factor in whether you wish to return to the sensual world and its pleasures and sufferings. There is no ultimate morality and no ideals you have to live up to as they are all products of the times. Existence is an experience, a game, and you can play it any way you wish. So what do you do when you get to this point of clarity and understanding? You can do whatever you want. There are no cosmic repercussions. But therein lies the rub. I have now an eternal get out of jail free card. Now it is left up to me. I am free. And what I do with this freedom will ultimately define and reveal my character through the choices I make. Don Howard talks of integrity, he mentions impeccability, and you can't miss him talking about reciprocity. I don't have to live up to any of these lofty ideals or act in accordance with them at all. It's my choice. It doesn't matter and it is precisely why it doesn't matter that it is such a vexing problem. My character isn't real. My personality is a sham. I know that. In this quixotic game of life I just keep hearing don Howard say "just lead by your own shining example." Reading between the lines of the wisdom he imparts I know that means ultimately have integrity, be impeccable, be of service, and give back. Can I do that even though there's no carrot at the end of the stick? Can and will I do that just because? Do I choose to be part of the problem or part of the solution? How I want the world to be is what I bring to the table and how I act. It doesn't matter, yet it is the reality I will have helped create.